Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 4, Episode 16 - Humbug Not to Be Spoken Here - full transcript
It's Christmas Eve. The biggest problem that Samantha thinks she has is where to put the Christmas tree this year. But a bigger problem arises when Darrin has to work late for the $500,000 Mortimer Instant Soup account. Jessie Mortimer does not believe in Christmas, and he doesn't indulge anyone who does. He uses ultimatums and his money to get what he wants, which is Darrin to come up with a campaign idea tonight or else. Darrin refuses, as he already promised Samantha to help her with the preparations for Christmas. So Mortimer decides to pull his account. Upon viewing the interaction between Mortimer and Darrin and Larry, Samantha believes that there is an underlying issue with Mr. Mortimer not believing in Christmas. Using her witchcraft and her first hand connections, Samantha goes about trying to convince Mr. Mortimer that Christmas should be celebrated.
I don't know. I just don't know.
Sam, please, I have no more time
to be a Christmas tree.
I've got a 9:30 meeting
with a new client.
Now, sweetheart,
it'll only take a second...
and it's easier
than lugging the real tree around.
Come on, honey, let's just put it
where it was last year.
Oh, I don't know.
Well, all right, all right, let's try it.
Well, spread your arms, sweetheart,
so I can get an idea of the width.
How's this?
Darrin, trees don't stand that way.
Sag your branches a little.
- That's better.
- And that's it. I'll see you tonight.
Don't forget to pick the tree up
on the way home.
- No, honey, I won't.
- And last year's tree...
was a little skimpy on one side,
so don't buy the first one you see.
Sam, believe me,
no matter how spectacular...
the first tree I see is,
I won't buy it.
But I still don't know
where to put the...
No.
Perfect!
Merry Christmas.
Mr. Tate, I started out life
as a poor boy.
Now I'm one of the richest men
in America. Do you know why?
- No, sir. Why?
- Three things:
Persistence, prudence
and punctuality. The three P's.
The three P's.
I must remember that.
Yes, sir, those three little P's
have served me all my life.
I never violate them,
and I won't stand for it...
- when others do.
- Absolutely right.
Good, then you'll understand
when I say your man is late...
- and I'm leaving.
- Wait a minute, Mr. Mortimer...
I'm sure there's a very good reason
for Darrin to be...
I'm sorry I'm late.
But you know what traffic is
on the day before Christmas.
- I said there was a good reason.
- I know you did...
and I'm still waiting to hear it.
Oh, right. Let's get to it, Darrin.
You know, tell Mr. Mortimer...
the lead concept you have
for Mortimer Instant Soups.
Slow down, Larry.
This was a get-acquainted meeting.
We planned to present
your campaign brochure...
after the Christmas holidays.
- Did we?
- Yes, Larry, we did.
Mr. Stephens, time is money,
and I see no reason to waste it.
That's right. Waste not, want not.
- Christmas is just another day to me.
- Me too.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
it's hard to tell the difference.
Gentlemen, we're running late.
We'll have to discuss your campaign
for Mortimer Soups tonight.
- Be sure you're prepared.
- But tonight is...
- Right, tonight it is.
- Good. At my house.
- Dinner at 6, promptly.
- But...
Promptly it is.
Larry, what are you doing?
I can't make it tonight.
I promised Sam
we'd decorate our Christmas tree.
Darrin, Mortimer Instant Soups
is a $500,000 account.
That kind of decoration
doesn't grow on Christmas trees.
I'm sorry, Larry,
but a promise is a promise.
Then I'll make you a promise.
I promise the meeting
will be short and sweet.
And I don't like the way
Mortimer steps all over everybody.
For the money we're talking about,
a couple of footprints won't kill you.
Besides, we'll be
out of there by 8.
Just leave it to your old Uncle Larry.
Yes, gentlemen, when I think of
Mortimer's Instant Soups...
I don't think of a powdered
product...
that comes out of a cold,
heartless box.
No, indeed. I think of something
that a mother would have made...
with her own loving hands.
- Hawkins, this coffee's cold.
- I'm sorry, sir, it's a fresh pot.
- But I'll make another one.
- Get some fresh cups, Hawkins.
- Yes, sir.
- No, thanks, mine's fine.
- Delicious, as a matter of fact.
- Mine's delicious too.
But cold.
- Time's passing, gentlemen.
- It certainly is getting late.
Exactly, so let's
get back to business.
Mr. Mortimer, I'm sorry,
but this is Christmas Eve...
and my wife
is expecting me home early.
You know I don't believe in
all this Christmas fuss.
It's crass commercial nonsense.
It's... It's...
Try "humbug."
Darrin.
So if you gentlemen
will excuse me...
- Where are you going, Stephens?
- Where are you going, Stephens?
Out to participate
in a little Christmas nonsense.
It's late,
and I still have a tree to buy.
I'm not paying
your advertising agency $500,000...
so you can run out
and buy a tree on my time.
Mr. Mortimer, there's a time for soup,
and there's a time for sugarplums.
And that time, for me, is now.
So good night, gentlemen.
- Stephens, this meeting isn't over.
- Yes, Stephens.
- Stephens, you come back here.
- Stephens, come back here.
Larry was really a little shook up...
but I know
he'll handle Mortimer beautifully.
In a pinch,
old Lar always comes through.
Let me help you
with the tinsel, honey.
This one branch is a little bald.
I wonder what Mr. Mortimer
has against Christmas.
Probably the fact that people
don't give Mortimer Soup as gifts.
More tinsel, honey.
What are you doing?
I asked for more tinsel.
I gave it to you.
Honey, one piece of tinsel
is not the same as more tinsel.
One piece at a time
is the way to hang tinsel.
It gives the tree
that delicate, lacy look.
Hon, it's a Christmas tree,
not a doily.
Oh, I'll get it. You keep working.
Here you go.
One at a time.
- Oh, hi, Larry.
- Hi, Sam.
I'd like you to meet Mr. Mortimer.
Mrs. Stephens.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Mortimer.
I hope we're not
interrupting anything.
Not at all. Come on in.
Put your coats down.
Sweetheart, you'll never guess
who's here.
Who?
- Surprise.
- I'll say.
Well, Mr. Mortimer and I had a very
productive meeting after you left.
We came up with some great ideas.
Since I knew
you'd be dying to hear them...
we didn't wanna
keep you in suspense.
Stephens, we came here
to talk business.
Mr. Mortimer, nobody works
on Christmas Eve.
Except Santa Claus.
- How about a nice cup of eggnog?
- No, thank you, young lady.
Stephens, we're wasting time. Either
we talk business, or I'm leaving.
- Which is it to be?
- I'll walk you to the door.
Darrin.
Mr. Mortimer, Larry...
I'll be delighted to join you
in a business discussion...
the day after tomorrow.
Stephens, I take your refusal
as a personal rejection.
- I certainly didn't intend it that way.
- Nobody rejects Jesse Mortimer.
Tate, I want this man on my account
or there won't be an account.
He has 10 seconds
to change his mind.
Darrin, change your mind.
Sweetheart, I can finish
trimming the tree myself.
Samantha, I am going to help you
finish the tree...
then you're going to help me
get the Santa Claus suit...
for Tabatha's surprise
in the morning.
- Two seconds.
- I refuse to be intimidated.
- It's a matter of principle.
- Time's up.
Gentlemen, Mortimer Soups
will take its business elsewhere.
No, wait, Mr. Mortimer.
Mr. Mortimer, wait.
I can explain everything.
Darrin was just... Mr. Mortimer?
He's gone.
A $500,000 account.
Darrin, how could you do this to me?
Especially at Christmas.
What surprises me is Larry.
I know he's got chronic dollar signs...
in front of his eyes, but you'd think
he'd give them a Christmas vacation.
Mr. Mortimer's
the one with the problem.
Well, he really seems
to hate Christmas.
You know, I bet he doesn't even
believe in Santa Claus.
Can't blame him for that.
After all, he doesn't have
your inside information.
What a pretty little girl
you are, Tabatha.
And how you've grown
since Santa saw you last year.
Boy, am I beat.
Imagine going through life...
with that kind of attitude
toward Christmas.
Well, think of all the fun
he's missing.
And all the fun he'd like
the rest of us to miss with him.
It's a waste. A real waste.
There must be some way
of reaching that man.
Everybody's got a reaching point.
Darrin, I have an idea.
- Darrin.
- Sure, Sam, anything you say...
just don't get involved with any...
Humbug.
Hawkins! Hawkins!
Hawkins!
You're gonna wake
the entire neighbourhood.
Who the devil are you?
Why, you're...
You're Mrs. Stephens.
Who gave you permission
to invade my house?
Don't think of me as Mrs. Stephens.
Think of me
as the spirit of Christmas.
- Poppycock!
- I had a feeling you'd say that.
I'll give you just five seconds
to get out of here.
Well, you leave me no choice.
I guess I'll just have to tell you
the simple truth.
I'm a witch.
One second.
You... You broke my clock.
I don't know what trick you used,
but you broke my clock.
- You'll have to pay for it.
- Mr. Mortimer...
I didn't break your clock.
I simply stopped it.
- I told you, I'm a witch.
- Nonsense. Stop wasting my time.
There is no such thing as a witch.
Just as there's no such thing
as Santa Claus?
Oh, well, I can fix that.
What the devil's going on?
You get out of this room...
and back into my nightmare,
where you belong.
Not yet.
Not until I've given you
your Christmas present.
Mr. Mortimer, you are going
to take a long, long trip.
Oh, you don't get airsick, do you?
Put me down. Put me down!
You'll hear from my lawyer
about this.
So sue me.
Look down, but don't get dizzy.
Look down there.
Oh, my, isn't that lovely?
Help! Help!
- I'm cold.
- Oh, well, that's no problem.
I can whip you up
a little fur coat in no time.
Get this thing off me.
You and your tricks.
I'd rather freeze.
Well, anything you say.
He should be here
in a minute anyway.
- Who should be? Where are we?
- The North Pole.
But that's terrible.
I'm wearing my magnetic watch.
It'll be ruined.
- Samantha!
- Hello, Santa.
What a wonderful surprise.
- Come in, my dear, come in.
- After you, Mr. Mortimer.
Santa, I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine.
- Mr. Mortimer, Santa Claus.
- How do you do, Mr. Mortimer?
- It's a trick. I know it's a trick.
- Oh, a nonbeliever.
A really sad case, Santa.
Well, I guess a little convincing trip
is in order, eh, Samantha?
- Right.
- Right after I finish my last shipment.
- Oh, here, let me help you.
- Thank you, my dear.
We are a little short-handed.
You too, Mr. Mortimer,
make yourself useful.
In the red bag, right there.
I'm sorry I'm not my usual
ho-ho self this year...
but it's been a very hard winter.
One thing after another
with the elves.
Oh, dear.
Well, you can rest next month.
Take a trip.
Maybe a couple of weeks in Florida.
Easy with that doll, Mr. Mortimer!
That's a Suzi Bruisy doll.
When you squeeze it,
it turns black-and-blue.
It's the only one of its kind
in the world.
Santa, I know a little girl
who'd just love that.
Oh, really? Should I guess,
or do you wanna tell me?
This is ridiculous.
I'm Jesse Mortimer
of Mortimer Soups...
and I demand to be taken home.
Jesse Mortimer? I don't...
I don't remember ever having
dropped down your chimney.
Well, of course not. You don't exist.
Who are you
under that beard anyway?
- Mr. Mortimer!
- Well, I'll be glad to take you home.
But we'll have to make a few stops
along the way.
And I'm sure you'll find them
very interesting.
You behave yourself.
Fasten your seat belt, Mr. Mortimer.
- Seat belt in a sleigh?
- Standard equipment this year.
Well, this is Santa's last stop...
before we take you home.
Should we go up on the roof...
- and meet him?
- No, wait a minute.
Isn't that Hawkins?
There you go. Up you go.
Hold on tight.
Yes, it is Hawkins. I knew it.
What are they so happy about?
Don't they know they're poor?
Mr. Mortimer, you're rich.
Are you happy?
Don't be so grumpy, Mr. Mortimer.
It's Christmas.
I still say humbug!
Well, here we are, Mr. Mortimer.
Home, sweet home.
Good night, Mr. Mortimer.
Sleep tight.
Oh, boy.
Hi, hon, you getting up already?
I... I didn't want Tabatha
to beat us to the tree.
I'll get dressed and keep her busy...
while you put on
the rest of your Santa Claus suit.
You know something?
Santa Claus should be here
very, very soon.
Hurry up, Santa, wherever you are.
A merry Christmas!
A merry Christmas!
And since Tabatha's been
such a good little girl all year...
Santa has a whole
bagful of toys for her.
- Oh, my.
- Here's a paint set for you.
And let's see what else...
A bear.
And a surprise.
Oh, Tabatha, isn't that wonderful?
What do you say to Santa?
Daddy.
Oh, dear.
Well, sweetheart, you were so good,
I never would've guessed.
Sure.
Santa will get it.
Ho, ho, ho, yourself, Larry.
- You recognized me, huh?
- Hi, Larry.
- Everybody recognizes me.
- Daddy.
Well, almost everybody.
Ho, ho, ho, Tabatha.
This is such a lovely surprise,
isn't it, darling?
Lovely.
I tore myself away from
Louise and little Jonathan...
to come over here and apologize.
In fact, Louise insisted on it.
But if that's how
you feel about it...
Larry. Darrin.
Well, who are you?
Oh, Tate, it's you.
You look ridiculous.
Hi, Mr. Mortimer.
Mr. Mortimer, this is a surprise.
I hope I'm not intruding.
Not at all.
Well, I mean, it...
It was sort of lonely at my house.
I thought you and Hawkins
were gonna stay home...
and celebrate humbug.
Well, I sent Hawkins and his family
to Lake Placid for the holidays.
As a Christmas present.
Come right in, Mr. Mortimer.
Yeah, sit down, Mr. Mortimer,
you look tired.
Well, I am tired.
I didn't get much rest last night.
I was very busy in my dreams.
Aren't you tired, Mrs. Stephens?
Me? Why should I be tired?
Oh, well, never mind.
Here, here,
let me take your hat and coat.
Mr. Stephens, Mrs. Stephens,
I owe you an apology.
What I mean is...
We understand
exactly what you mean.
- Don't we, Darrin?
- Perfectly.
I don't understand anything.
Mr. Mortimer,
will you spend Christmas with us?
- Thank you, Mrs. Stephens.
- Call me Samantha.
This is for you, Darrin, Samantha.
Oh, you don't have to open it now.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's a case of
Mortimer Instant Soups.
Listen, everybody, how about
some old-fashioned fruitcake?
- I made it myself.
- And I'll whip up some coffee.
Irish.
You son of a gun.
- There you are, sweetheart.
- Thanks.
- How do you like it, Mr. Mortimer?
- It's delicious.
Old family recipe.
Sorry I'm late, Samantha, but I
ran into some strong headwinds.
I have Tabatha's present right here.
- Oh, Santa, you shouldn't have.
- You'll never guess what it is.
Suzi Bruisy. Oh, thank you, Santa.
- Merry Christmas, Samantha.
- I have a little present for you too.
It's something you wouldn't have
bought for yourself.
- A present for Santa.
- Well, it's about time.
- Suntan lotion?
- For your two weeks in Florida.
Thank you, Samantha.
Well, I gotta be getting on my way.
I'll give you a little boost.
Here you are, darling.
Your present from Santa Claus.
And, Tabatha, hey,
this is our secret.
- Secret.
- That's right.
- What was that noise?
- What noise?
Why, I thought I heard...
Sam, what'd you put in this fruitcake?
Nothing.
Isn't it about time for...
eggnog?
- Oh, Mr. Mortimer.
- You're absolutely right, Mr. Mortimer.
- Right this way.
- Merry Christmas, Jesse. Come on.
Need another, Darrin?
- Not any at all, Lar.
- Oh, my.
- Away we go, honey.
- I hope so.
Thanks, sweetheart. Mr. Mortimer?
What's that you're holding,
little girl?
- Baby doll.
- Oh, that's not just a baby doll.
That's a Suzi Bruisy baby doll.
The only one of its kind in the world.
Why do I know that?
- Not any at all, Lar.
- Oh, my.
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Mortimer.
- Merry Christmas.
Sam, please, I have no more time
to be a Christmas tree.
I've got a 9:30 meeting
with a new client.
Now, sweetheart,
it'll only take a second...
and it's easier
than lugging the real tree around.
Come on, honey, let's just put it
where it was last year.
Oh, I don't know.
Well, all right, all right, let's try it.
Well, spread your arms, sweetheart,
so I can get an idea of the width.
How's this?
Darrin, trees don't stand that way.
Sag your branches a little.
- That's better.
- And that's it. I'll see you tonight.
Don't forget to pick the tree up
on the way home.
- No, honey, I won't.
- And last year's tree...
was a little skimpy on one side,
so don't buy the first one you see.
Sam, believe me,
no matter how spectacular...
the first tree I see is,
I won't buy it.
But I still don't know
where to put the...
No.
Perfect!
Merry Christmas.
Mr. Tate, I started out life
as a poor boy.
Now I'm one of the richest men
in America. Do you know why?
- No, sir. Why?
- Three things:
Persistence, prudence
and punctuality. The three P's.
The three P's.
I must remember that.
Yes, sir, those three little P's
have served me all my life.
I never violate them,
and I won't stand for it...
- when others do.
- Absolutely right.
Good, then you'll understand
when I say your man is late...
- and I'm leaving.
- Wait a minute, Mr. Mortimer...
I'm sure there's a very good reason
for Darrin to be...
I'm sorry I'm late.
But you know what traffic is
on the day before Christmas.
- I said there was a good reason.
- I know you did...
and I'm still waiting to hear it.
Oh, right. Let's get to it, Darrin.
You know, tell Mr. Mortimer...
the lead concept you have
for Mortimer Instant Soups.
Slow down, Larry.
This was a get-acquainted meeting.
We planned to present
your campaign brochure...
after the Christmas holidays.
- Did we?
- Yes, Larry, we did.
Mr. Stephens, time is money,
and I see no reason to waste it.
That's right. Waste not, want not.
- Christmas is just another day to me.
- Me too.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
it's hard to tell the difference.
Gentlemen, we're running late.
We'll have to discuss your campaign
for Mortimer Soups tonight.
- Be sure you're prepared.
- But tonight is...
- Right, tonight it is.
- Good. At my house.
- Dinner at 6, promptly.
- But...
Promptly it is.
Larry, what are you doing?
I can't make it tonight.
I promised Sam
we'd decorate our Christmas tree.
Darrin, Mortimer Instant Soups
is a $500,000 account.
That kind of decoration
doesn't grow on Christmas trees.
I'm sorry, Larry,
but a promise is a promise.
Then I'll make you a promise.
I promise the meeting
will be short and sweet.
And I don't like the way
Mortimer steps all over everybody.
For the money we're talking about,
a couple of footprints won't kill you.
Besides, we'll be
out of there by 8.
Just leave it to your old Uncle Larry.
Yes, gentlemen, when I think of
Mortimer's Instant Soups...
I don't think of a powdered
product...
that comes out of a cold,
heartless box.
No, indeed. I think of something
that a mother would have made...
with her own loving hands.
- Hawkins, this coffee's cold.
- I'm sorry, sir, it's a fresh pot.
- But I'll make another one.
- Get some fresh cups, Hawkins.
- Yes, sir.
- No, thanks, mine's fine.
- Delicious, as a matter of fact.
- Mine's delicious too.
But cold.
- Time's passing, gentlemen.
- It certainly is getting late.
Exactly, so let's
get back to business.
Mr. Mortimer, I'm sorry,
but this is Christmas Eve...
and my wife
is expecting me home early.
You know I don't believe in
all this Christmas fuss.
It's crass commercial nonsense.
It's... It's...
Try "humbug."
Darrin.
So if you gentlemen
will excuse me...
- Where are you going, Stephens?
- Where are you going, Stephens?
Out to participate
in a little Christmas nonsense.
It's late,
and I still have a tree to buy.
I'm not paying
your advertising agency $500,000...
so you can run out
and buy a tree on my time.
Mr. Mortimer, there's a time for soup,
and there's a time for sugarplums.
And that time, for me, is now.
So good night, gentlemen.
- Stephens, this meeting isn't over.
- Yes, Stephens.
- Stephens, you come back here.
- Stephens, come back here.
Larry was really a little shook up...
but I know
he'll handle Mortimer beautifully.
In a pinch,
old Lar always comes through.
Let me help you
with the tinsel, honey.
This one branch is a little bald.
I wonder what Mr. Mortimer
has against Christmas.
Probably the fact that people
don't give Mortimer Soup as gifts.
More tinsel, honey.
What are you doing?
I asked for more tinsel.
I gave it to you.
Honey, one piece of tinsel
is not the same as more tinsel.
One piece at a time
is the way to hang tinsel.
It gives the tree
that delicate, lacy look.
Hon, it's a Christmas tree,
not a doily.
Oh, I'll get it. You keep working.
Here you go.
One at a time.
- Oh, hi, Larry.
- Hi, Sam.
I'd like you to meet Mr. Mortimer.
Mrs. Stephens.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Mortimer.
I hope we're not
interrupting anything.
Not at all. Come on in.
Put your coats down.
Sweetheart, you'll never guess
who's here.
Who?
- Surprise.
- I'll say.
Well, Mr. Mortimer and I had a very
productive meeting after you left.
We came up with some great ideas.
Since I knew
you'd be dying to hear them...
we didn't wanna
keep you in suspense.
Stephens, we came here
to talk business.
Mr. Mortimer, nobody works
on Christmas Eve.
Except Santa Claus.
- How about a nice cup of eggnog?
- No, thank you, young lady.
Stephens, we're wasting time. Either
we talk business, or I'm leaving.
- Which is it to be?
- I'll walk you to the door.
Darrin.
Mr. Mortimer, Larry...
I'll be delighted to join you
in a business discussion...
the day after tomorrow.
Stephens, I take your refusal
as a personal rejection.
- I certainly didn't intend it that way.
- Nobody rejects Jesse Mortimer.
Tate, I want this man on my account
or there won't be an account.
He has 10 seconds
to change his mind.
Darrin, change your mind.
Sweetheart, I can finish
trimming the tree myself.
Samantha, I am going to help you
finish the tree...
then you're going to help me
get the Santa Claus suit...
for Tabatha's surprise
in the morning.
- Two seconds.
- I refuse to be intimidated.
- It's a matter of principle.
- Time's up.
Gentlemen, Mortimer Soups
will take its business elsewhere.
No, wait, Mr. Mortimer.
Mr. Mortimer, wait.
I can explain everything.
Darrin was just... Mr. Mortimer?
He's gone.
A $500,000 account.
Darrin, how could you do this to me?
Especially at Christmas.
What surprises me is Larry.
I know he's got chronic dollar signs...
in front of his eyes, but you'd think
he'd give them a Christmas vacation.
Mr. Mortimer's
the one with the problem.
Well, he really seems
to hate Christmas.
You know, I bet he doesn't even
believe in Santa Claus.
Can't blame him for that.
After all, he doesn't have
your inside information.
What a pretty little girl
you are, Tabatha.
And how you've grown
since Santa saw you last year.
Boy, am I beat.
Imagine going through life...
with that kind of attitude
toward Christmas.
Well, think of all the fun
he's missing.
And all the fun he'd like
the rest of us to miss with him.
It's a waste. A real waste.
There must be some way
of reaching that man.
Everybody's got a reaching point.
Darrin, I have an idea.
- Darrin.
- Sure, Sam, anything you say...
just don't get involved with any...
Humbug.
Hawkins! Hawkins!
Hawkins!
You're gonna wake
the entire neighbourhood.
Who the devil are you?
Why, you're...
You're Mrs. Stephens.
Who gave you permission
to invade my house?
Don't think of me as Mrs. Stephens.
Think of me
as the spirit of Christmas.
- Poppycock!
- I had a feeling you'd say that.
I'll give you just five seconds
to get out of here.
Well, you leave me no choice.
I guess I'll just have to tell you
the simple truth.
I'm a witch.
One second.
You... You broke my clock.
I don't know what trick you used,
but you broke my clock.
- You'll have to pay for it.
- Mr. Mortimer...
I didn't break your clock.
I simply stopped it.
- I told you, I'm a witch.
- Nonsense. Stop wasting my time.
There is no such thing as a witch.
Just as there's no such thing
as Santa Claus?
Oh, well, I can fix that.
What the devil's going on?
You get out of this room...
and back into my nightmare,
where you belong.
Not yet.
Not until I've given you
your Christmas present.
Mr. Mortimer, you are going
to take a long, long trip.
Oh, you don't get airsick, do you?
Put me down. Put me down!
You'll hear from my lawyer
about this.
So sue me.
Look down, but don't get dizzy.
Look down there.
Oh, my, isn't that lovely?
Help! Help!
- I'm cold.
- Oh, well, that's no problem.
I can whip you up
a little fur coat in no time.
Get this thing off me.
You and your tricks.
I'd rather freeze.
Well, anything you say.
He should be here
in a minute anyway.
- Who should be? Where are we?
- The North Pole.
But that's terrible.
I'm wearing my magnetic watch.
It'll be ruined.
- Samantha!
- Hello, Santa.
What a wonderful surprise.
- Come in, my dear, come in.
- After you, Mr. Mortimer.
Santa, I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine.
- Mr. Mortimer, Santa Claus.
- How do you do, Mr. Mortimer?
- It's a trick. I know it's a trick.
- Oh, a nonbeliever.
A really sad case, Santa.
Well, I guess a little convincing trip
is in order, eh, Samantha?
- Right.
- Right after I finish my last shipment.
- Oh, here, let me help you.
- Thank you, my dear.
We are a little short-handed.
You too, Mr. Mortimer,
make yourself useful.
In the red bag, right there.
I'm sorry I'm not my usual
ho-ho self this year...
but it's been a very hard winter.
One thing after another
with the elves.
Oh, dear.
Well, you can rest next month.
Take a trip.
Maybe a couple of weeks in Florida.
Easy with that doll, Mr. Mortimer!
That's a Suzi Bruisy doll.
When you squeeze it,
it turns black-and-blue.
It's the only one of its kind
in the world.
Santa, I know a little girl
who'd just love that.
Oh, really? Should I guess,
or do you wanna tell me?
This is ridiculous.
I'm Jesse Mortimer
of Mortimer Soups...
and I demand to be taken home.
Jesse Mortimer? I don't...
I don't remember ever having
dropped down your chimney.
Well, of course not. You don't exist.
Who are you
under that beard anyway?
- Mr. Mortimer!
- Well, I'll be glad to take you home.
But we'll have to make a few stops
along the way.
And I'm sure you'll find them
very interesting.
You behave yourself.
Fasten your seat belt, Mr. Mortimer.
- Seat belt in a sleigh?
- Standard equipment this year.
Well, this is Santa's last stop...
before we take you home.
Should we go up on the roof...
- and meet him?
- No, wait a minute.
Isn't that Hawkins?
There you go. Up you go.
Hold on tight.
Yes, it is Hawkins. I knew it.
What are they so happy about?
Don't they know they're poor?
Mr. Mortimer, you're rich.
Are you happy?
Don't be so grumpy, Mr. Mortimer.
It's Christmas.
I still say humbug!
Well, here we are, Mr. Mortimer.
Home, sweet home.
Good night, Mr. Mortimer.
Sleep tight.
Oh, boy.
Hi, hon, you getting up already?
I... I didn't want Tabatha
to beat us to the tree.
I'll get dressed and keep her busy...
while you put on
the rest of your Santa Claus suit.
You know something?
Santa Claus should be here
very, very soon.
Hurry up, Santa, wherever you are.
A merry Christmas!
A merry Christmas!
And since Tabatha's been
such a good little girl all year...
Santa has a whole
bagful of toys for her.
- Oh, my.
- Here's a paint set for you.
And let's see what else...
A bear.
And a surprise.
Oh, Tabatha, isn't that wonderful?
What do you say to Santa?
Daddy.
Oh, dear.
Well, sweetheart, you were so good,
I never would've guessed.
Sure.
Santa will get it.
Ho, ho, ho, yourself, Larry.
- You recognized me, huh?
- Hi, Larry.
- Everybody recognizes me.
- Daddy.
Well, almost everybody.
Ho, ho, ho, Tabatha.
This is such a lovely surprise,
isn't it, darling?
Lovely.
I tore myself away from
Louise and little Jonathan...
to come over here and apologize.
In fact, Louise insisted on it.
But if that's how
you feel about it...
Larry. Darrin.
Well, who are you?
Oh, Tate, it's you.
You look ridiculous.
Hi, Mr. Mortimer.
Mr. Mortimer, this is a surprise.
I hope I'm not intruding.
Not at all.
Well, I mean, it...
It was sort of lonely at my house.
I thought you and Hawkins
were gonna stay home...
and celebrate humbug.
Well, I sent Hawkins and his family
to Lake Placid for the holidays.
As a Christmas present.
Come right in, Mr. Mortimer.
Yeah, sit down, Mr. Mortimer,
you look tired.
Well, I am tired.
I didn't get much rest last night.
I was very busy in my dreams.
Aren't you tired, Mrs. Stephens?
Me? Why should I be tired?
Oh, well, never mind.
Here, here,
let me take your hat and coat.
Mr. Stephens, Mrs. Stephens,
I owe you an apology.
What I mean is...
We understand
exactly what you mean.
- Don't we, Darrin?
- Perfectly.
I don't understand anything.
Mr. Mortimer,
will you spend Christmas with us?
- Thank you, Mrs. Stephens.
- Call me Samantha.
This is for you, Darrin, Samantha.
Oh, you don't have to open it now.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's a case of
Mortimer Instant Soups.
Listen, everybody, how about
some old-fashioned fruitcake?
- I made it myself.
- And I'll whip up some coffee.
Irish.
You son of a gun.
- There you are, sweetheart.
- Thanks.
- How do you like it, Mr. Mortimer?
- It's delicious.
Old family recipe.
Sorry I'm late, Samantha, but I
ran into some strong headwinds.
I have Tabatha's present right here.
- Oh, Santa, you shouldn't have.
- You'll never guess what it is.
Suzi Bruisy. Oh, thank you, Santa.
- Merry Christmas, Samantha.
- I have a little present for you too.
It's something you wouldn't have
bought for yourself.
- A present for Santa.
- Well, it's about time.
- Suntan lotion?
- For your two weeks in Florida.
Thank you, Samantha.
Well, I gotta be getting on my way.
I'll give you a little boost.
Here you are, darling.
Your present from Santa Claus.
And, Tabatha, hey,
this is our secret.
- Secret.
- That's right.
- What was that noise?
- What noise?
Why, I thought I heard...
Sam, what'd you put in this fruitcake?
Nothing.
Isn't it about time for...
eggnog?
- Oh, Mr. Mortimer.
- You're absolutely right, Mr. Mortimer.
- Right this way.
- Merry Christmas, Jesse. Come on.
Need another, Darrin?
- Not any at all, Lar.
- Oh, my.
- Away we go, honey.
- I hope so.
Thanks, sweetheart. Mr. Mortimer?
What's that you're holding,
little girl?
- Baby doll.
- Oh, that's not just a baby doll.
That's a Suzi Bruisy baby doll.
The only one of its kind in the world.
Why do I know that?
- Not any at all, Lar.
- Oh, my.
- Merry Christmas, Mr. Mortimer.
- Merry Christmas.