Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 4, Episode 15 - I Get Your Nannie, You Get My Goat - full transcript

Tabatha, that's a nice dinner
for a nice little girl.

I eated that chicken.

Yes, I know. Now, if you eat
everything on your plate...

you'll see a picture
of a pretty bunny.

That goes for the spinach too,
young lady.

Sam, are you still feeding Tabatha?

You better get ready. We'll be
late for the Hunt Club Ball.

Sweetheart, I am ready.

Oh, yeah. Well, then could you
help me find my cuff links?

What you got in your hand?

My cuff links.



I'm sorry, honey.
I guess I'm a little nervous.

But the ball chairman is the head
of Chappell Baby Foods.

He's a hot prospect. Larry thinks
we can clinch his account tonight.

- I just don't want to be late.
- Don't worry.

We're right on schedule.

Sure, and your mother's not here yet,
that's right on schedule too.

Darrin, it just so happens
I have a little surprise for you.

Mother wasn't available,
so I made other arrangements.

Other arrangements?
What kind of other arrangements?

Well, we have a new babysitter.
You'll adore her.

Who? Who am I going to adore?

Her name's Elspeth.

And?

And she's wonderful with children
and very dependable and...



And?

And when I was a little girl
she was my nanny.

And she's a witch. Sam, there's not
room for another witch in this house.

The broom closet is full.

Darrin, no one travels by broom
anymore. It's obsolete.

I don't care if she shows up
riding on a vacuum cleaner.

You'll have to send her back.

Well, all right, sweetheart.
But we have to have a babysitter.

Let's see.

Oh, I could try and get Aunt Clara.

She does tend to goof up a bit,
though, doesn't she?

I could try and contact Mother again.

You have a choice.

- That's some choice.
- There's one more.

We could stay home
until Tabatha's 21.

Okay, Elspeth can sit for us,
but just this once.

You'll like Elspeth.
She's really just plain folks.

She's here. Elspeth's here.

Elspeth's here.

Hey. Hello, folks. Hello.
Hello, love. Hello, Samantha.

Yep. She's just plain folks all right.

Let me look at you, Samantha.

Samantha, you are the lady.

And a beauty into the bargain.

Can this be the same little girl...

who used to scrape up her knees
learning to walk through walls?

Oh, wasn't I a mess?

I remember the first time you made
yourself invisible.

You made everything vanish
except your pigtails.

So this must be the mister.
How sweet and kind it looks.

Samantha, it needs
a bit of fattening.

All skin and bones.

Not to worry. Now I've come to stay.

Come to stay? Elspeth, I think...

Tabatha. I'd know that angel face
anywhere.

Oh, hello.
Say hello to Nanny Elspeth.

Oh, we're going to be great friends.

Listen, Elspeth...

Spinach.
What child could abide the stuff?

- Samantha.
- Oh, Darrin, it isn't really ice cream.

It's Elspeth's special
spinach sundae.

But, oh, how it fooled us little ones.

Just a taste, love. That's a good girl.

Isn't she wonderful?

Let's just have a talk about that.

- When?
- Now.

Sam, she can't stay.

All right, sweetheart.
Anything you say.

I'll break it to her gently. Tomorrow.

- Sam.
- How could you do it to me?

How could you?

- You ungrateful children.
- Butt out, Endora.

You're supposed to be unavailable,
so unavail yourself out.

You keep quiet,
you treacherous clod.

How could you bring a stranger
into this house...

to look after my grandchild?

I can see the handwriting
on the wall.

I shall become a stranger
in my own daughter's house.

- Mother.
- What?

Look, Elspeth is just a nanny,
but you're Tabatha's grandmother.

Nothing can change that.

You know darn well
you're not being replaced.

Tabatha and I
are getting on famously.

I've fed her...
Oh, Endora, how are you?

You see?

That creature is already worming
herself into the child's affections.

All right, my dear.

If you want to play the martyred
mother, it's fine with me.

So long, Granny. Don't call us,
we'll call you.

Perhaps a zipper will help
to keep that mouth shut.

For shame, Endora.

The mister don't stand
a chance against witchcraft.

It ain't sporting.

That baggage has got to go.

She stays till I say so.

All right, Dobbin.

Remember you said that.

Elspeth, welcome to our home.

Thanks, milord.

What are we standing around for?

Elspeth, put Tabatha to bed.

Yes, milord.

There. Now, we'll just go
to beddy-bye.

Now, this is what I call a perfect way
to spend an evening.

Music in the air and you in my arms.

And no mother-in-law
babysitting in my living room.

I feel like a 16-year-old.

For a 16-year-old,
you're a very good kisser.

Darrin.

Will you cut that out?
What if somebody sees you?

Let them eat their hearts out.

The somebody
I'm talking about, Darrin...

is Roy Chappell
of Chappell Baby Foods.

I wanna steer him out here to meet you
and we can sew up the account.

And I don't want him to catch you
playing post office.

He won't catch us.
We'll neck in the bushes.

Do you mind?

Darrin, Roy Chappell is a rough,
tough, self-made man.

He wants a hard-nosed idea man
to give him a hard-hitting campaign.

That lipstick you're wearing doesn't
make you look like the man for the job.

Now wipe it off.

Stick your chest out.

And think tough.

Sweetheart, maybe
you should run home...

and change into a lumber jacket.

Don't let Larry frighten you, honey.
I can handle Roy Chappell.

Remember, tonight, I'm a tiger.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

I'm sorry to barge in like this.

But I just had to have you meet
a friend of mine.

Darwin, may I present
Lord Clive Montdrako of Ipswich...

Elspeth's former employer.

Present employer.
You have stolen my servant, sir.

- You are no gentleman.
- Oh, good grief.

Clive knows all about gentlemen.

He's the only warlock
in the House of Lords.

Stolen Elspeth?
Sam, what's he talking about?

Confound it, sir. Stop trying
to involve your wife in this matter.

Aren't you man enough to stand
accountable for your actions?

Him? He's not man enough
to pull on stretch socks.

He is too.

Well, perhaps I can shame him
into facing his obligations.

A tango. Just the thing.

Oh, Darrin.

Well, at least this time, sir,
you rose to the occasion.

You look like Carmen.

If you're going to make a comment,
it could be a bit more amusing.

Well...

So where is this Stephens guy?

I'm anxious to meet the man
who's gonna sell my baby food.

He's gotta be a real heavyweight.

Don't you worry about Darrin.
He's a man's man.

Hey, buddy boy. Darrin.

This is a man's man?

He's got a rose in his teeth.

Well, sure, he...

Darrin, why do you have
a rose in your teeth?

Everybody tango.

I can explain, Roy. It's very simple.

I can explain. I can.

I can?

And that darn rose was stuck
in my teeth till we left the party.

Which was immediately.

I should have known something
would happen to foul things up.

You'd better go back
to Lord What's-His-Name.

Don't worry yourself
about His Lordship, sir.

His bark's far worse than his bite.

Even if that's so, Elspeth...

you should have told me
about Montdrako in the first place.

What? That harmless
old stick-in-the-mud?

Believe me,
you won't see him again.

He wouldn't have come here in the
first place if it hadn't been for Endora.

I bet she had to drag him
by the ears.

Comfy, sir?

Well, yes, thanks.
But listen, Elspeth...

Elspeth, why didn't you tell me
about Lord Montdrako?

Because he's got no claim on me,
he hasn't.

I give him me notice, I did.

I got plain fed up waiting
hand and foot on the old geezer.

Like a blooming baby, he was.

It's so much nicer staying here
with a lovely child like Tabatha.

Elspeth, about staying here...

Such an intelligent child, sir.
Takes after you in that respect.

Martini, sir?

Yes, thanks. She is pretty bright,
isn't she?

Elspeth, what Mr. Stephens
is trying to tell you...

is that your staying here is
absolutely...

That's okay, honey.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Well, it's settled then.

I've got a new home.

There, that's better.

But I hate stuffed fish.

Darrin, Roy Chappell
will be here in a few minutes.

And this time I want you
to make the right impression.

Don't forget, he's an outdoor man.
A big-game hunter.

So try and look rugged.

Here, smoke one of these.

Listen, Lar...

Well, sir, are you now prepared to
conduct yourself like a gentleman?

You're supposed to be
back at your castle.

Oh, no. You won't get rid of me
until you've done the proper thing...

and restored my Elspeth.

Elspeth has a mind of her own.

She doesn't wanna work
for you anymore. She quit.

Only because you lured her here.
Oh, no. You can't weasel out.

I shall hold you responsible.

Me? Now, look,
this is my place of business.

If you want to talk about nannies,
talk to my wife.

Oh, dear, still trying
to get your poor wife...

to stand up for you, aren't you?

Very well. If you insist on acting like
a spineless weakling, look the part.

This is your last chance
to change your attitude.

When next we meet,
either I shall get satisfaction...

or else you shall suffer
the consequences.

Sam.

Sam.

Here we are, slugger.
I brought old Roy over to...

He traded in his rose
for a lily. Nice.

That's it. That's the last straw.

You got it all wrong, Roy.
There's a great reason for...

It's a great reason, Roy.

Listen, let's have a little lunch
and a few drinkie-poos.

Roy?

And I had to hide in the supply room
until my clothes changed back...

from Little Lord Fauntleroy. That's
your harmless warlock for you.

But, sir, he wouldn't have done
a thing...

if Endora hadn't pushed him to it.

I know what Mother did, Elspeth.

What I don't know is what
the count may do.

Now, you'd better go back.

Samantha, ain't you being
a bit hasty?

Hasty, "schmasty."
Let's put it this way. You're fired.

Bravo. There's an end to it.
Elspeth, get your things.

And you, sir, your honour has been
acquitted, at least partially.

Well, Elspeth, don't lallygag there.
It'll soon be teatime.

Well, put your own kettle on
and stick your head in it for all I care.

I'm not going.

Not going? This is your doing, sir.

Oh, no. No. She's going.
Go ahead.

Fly away. Walk through the wall.
Vanish.

I'm sorry, sir. I don't want to cause
hardship, but I have my feelings.

It seems Endora is right.

You, sir, have no control
over your own household.

You're a mere reflection of a man.
A mere reflection.

You have Elspeth,
and I shall have satisfaction.

The mister's gone. It's all my fault.

Oh, please. What did you do
with Darrin? Please.

Don't bother to plead with me.
I detest scenes.

Darrin? Sweetheart? I know
you're here somewhere.

Sam. Here, Sam. Sam.

Coming, sweetheart.

Sam. Here, Sam.

Now he is a reflection of a man, and
only His Lordship can release him.

What can we do?

I don't know, Elspeth,
but I'll think of something.

Sam, get me out of here.

It's cold.

Pull yourself together, Elspeth.
Crying won't help. We must think.

Yes, think, love.

You know, I still can't imagine
how Endora...

got His Lordship to leave the castle.
I can't think that one out.

Elspeth.

You said he was
an old stick-in-the-mud.

Always sitting all alone.

Now, were you the only company
he had...

in all the years
you worked for him?

I should say so.
His Lordship was practically a hermit.

Well, no wonder he wants you back,
Elspeth.

You're more of a nanny for him
than you are for Tabatha.

You can say that.

Hold the fort, Elspeth.
I'm on my way to the castle.

- His Lordship's castle?
- Wish me luck.

All right, now.

You round up that bunch of tourists
down the road and do your duty.

Very good, mum.

Wait till I get Stephens on the horn.

He'll explain everything. You'll see.

Look, Tate, you're loyal
to your employees.

That's okay. That I can understand.

But this Stephens is
way over the hill.

They're answering. Hello?

Stephens' residence.

Hello, this is Larry Tate.

Put Mr. Stephens on the phone,
please.

Tell him that Roy Chappell and I are
very anxious to speak with him.

Mr. Stephens can't speak
with no one.

He's gone
through the looking glass.

Must be a bad connection.

I thought she said...
She couldn't have said that.

So now he's Alice in Wonderland.

Tate, take me to see Stephens.

To his house? But, Roy...

Listen, I didn't climb to the top
of the baby food pile...

by letting some practical-joking
yo-yo like Stephens...

put me on for a few laughs.

I want to give him a hunk of my mind
at close range. Come on.

Roy, I'm sure Stephens wouldn't pull
a joke like that on anyone.

Well, there now.
Wasn't that utterly fascinating?

One of the most valued
gun collections in all of England.

Come, come. Come, come.
Right this way, ladies and gentlemen.

No need to push,
plenty of room for all to see.

Now we're in the great hall
of the Castle Montdrako.

What's going on?

Who's here, I say?

Good afternoon, Your Lordship.

You're just in time to meet
your first tour group.

My first what?
Now, see here, missy...

If you'll look upwards toward
the ceiling, you will notice an ever so...

And what are you doing standing
over there in that ridiculous outfit?

Listen.

Legend has it that when strangers
enter this hall...

the ghost of Ipswich Downs...

makes that very tapestry
fly up and wave to you.

Oh, look how they run
and scream and giggle.

There's nothing like a good scare.
By Jove, what fun.

Standing over there, by the door...

is the suit of armour worn by the first
Earl of Ipswich, who, in his time...

danced his way into the hearts
of many a young lady.

Oh, he must be the owner
of the castle.

Oh, a real lord.

Now, see here, ladies...

Your Lordship, you have
such a lovely castle.

Oh, yes. And that haunted tapestry.
How ever do you do it?

Madame, I assure you...

I'll bet you have lots of tricks
up your sleeve.

Madame, I assure you.

It's a shame you won't be
getting down to London.

We're at the Savoy, room 672.

I'm dreadfully sorry, ladies, but His
Lordship is rather busy at the moment.

Would you care to rejoin the tour?

Yes, of course.

We'll be in town for
two weeks, Your Lordship.

Don't forget to visit the tower.
The enchanted bells are in the tower.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Follow me.

We will go into the library where I shall
show you the collection of armour.

I shall make the bells chime
themselves.

Yes, that should tickle
their little fancies.

Yes. I shall make a small spell.

Well, Your Lordship,
why not let Elspeth do it?

She's ready to come back
and work for you.

Elspeth? Why should I want
that wench underfoot...

when I have things to do?

They did say the Savoy, didn't they?

Oh, Your Lordship.

Samantha, Samantha, you sly puss.

You've let the sunlight in for me.
How can I thank you?

Well, you were just trapped
behind a wall of indifference.

That wasn't too difficult to tear down.

But you've got Darrin
behind a wall of glass.

Say no more.

It is undone.

I'm... Sam? Sam? Sam?

Sweetheart. Sweetheart, you're free.

- I'm... I'm out of the mirror.
- Yes.

It was cold... Cold in there.
I'm freezing.

- Oh, well, I think I can take care of that.
- Yeah.

Warmer?

A little.

I'm still cold.

These gentlemen have been waiting
to see you, sir.

Well, let them wait. I'm busy.

Sorry to interrupt, Darrin,
but old Roy wanted to talk to you.

Now, look, old Roy.

If you're waiting for an explanation,
you're wasting your time.

I'm a pretty good advertising man.

If you want to take advantage of that,
it's okay with me.

But you'll have to take me just
the way I am, period. No explanations.

Stephens, I came over here to sock
you in the bazoo for putting me on.

But now that I know
what your game was, I'm with you.

Shake, pal. We got a deal.

That's great.

You know what my game is?

Oh, good old Larry.

You knew all the time,
didn't you, Larry?

But I let Elspeth set old Roy wise.

I should have let
Mr. Stephens tell you...

about how everybody tried to act
like the man Mr. Chappell wanted...

and nobody had the courage
to act like himself.

Nobody except you. No, sir.
I admire that, fella.

I admit you did
some pretty wild things.

Come on, Roy, it takes
a pretty sharp idea man...

to come up with a rose
in the teeth, right?

Yes, sir. Darrin, go on
with your kissing.

You son of a gun.

- Good night.
- Good night, Sam.

Good night.

Elspeth, you told them I planned...?

I mean, I'm glad Mr. Chappell
signed. You told them I...?

Oh, sweetheart, a good nanny
has many talents.

Elspeth, show Mr. Stephens
how you can disappear.

Yeah. Dis...

Why? Why should she disappear?

I'm old enough to kiss my best beau
without a chaperone.

Well, in that case, disappear.

Oh, isn't it loverly.