Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 7 - Twitch or Treat - full transcript

Honey, you've got a choice.
There's a comedy at the Bijou,

a Western at the Rialto, an
Egyptian epic at the Uptown.

Darrin, I don't think it's right
to go to a movie on Halloween.

It's like hiding out. I think we
should observe Halloween properly.

How? Honey, it's been Halloween
around here for the past week.

What, with your mother, Uncle Arthur,
houses appearing and disappearing.

And appearing!

Sam, it's back! Your
mother's house is back.

- Darrin, do you love me?
- No.

I mean, yes, I love you,

but, no, I won't do what you want
when you say, "Darrin, do you love me?"



Mother only wants that house back there
for a little while. And for one reason.

One reason.

The Halloween party tonight.

So that's what the
Halloween talk was about.

Mother's giving a party for
some of her intimate friends.

Not on my block, she
isn't! And we're invited.

Your mother created
that house. She can

un-create it and have
her party someplace else.

Oh. Darrin, I'd so love to go.

The most interesting
people are gonna be there.

Interesting? Yes. People? No.

I beg your pardon!

Sam, you know what I mean. What if
somebody finds out? What'll you tell them?

Well, people expect strange
things to happen on Halloween.



Besides, nobody's
gonna find out.

Greetings, folks!

Have you heard the glad tidings?

One Endora, mother of Samantha
Stephens, suburban housewife,

is giving a Halloween
party this evening.

The catch to the story is that
the guests will be real witches.

[Laughing]

Buck up, Darrin.
It's gonna be a ball.

Darrin, where are you going?
This is no way to settle an argument.

Who's arguing? Not me.

I am laying down the law. That
house of your mother's has got to go.

As for Uncle Arthur... Well, he's
gone. You can see for yourself.

No, I can't. He could
turn up in our goldfish

bowl. We haven't
got a goldfish bowl.

Sam! Well?

I want that house out
of here. Off of this street.

Out of this neighborhood. Out of
this world immediately... or else.

[Door Slams Shut]

Mother! Mother, I
have to talk to you.

Mother? What is
it that can't wait?

Me. Where are you? Outside?

Really, Samantha, you know I'm in
the midst of all my party preparations.

Mother, Darrin is very upset.

It's always nice to hear
news like that, dear.

But I have all sorts
of chores to do.

You're gonna have to forget about your
chores and you can forget about the party.

Did I tell you that I've decided
to make it a small gathering?

It makes it that much easier
to keep Uncle Arthur out.

He is definitely not invited.

Mother, Darrin is adamant.
That house has got to go.

I can't hear you.

I can. I heard everything
you said, Sammy.

And everything she said.

Except that part about
not inviting me to the party.

Fortunately, I missed
that. I'll repeat it.

There's no point repeating it,
because there isn't going to be any party,

because there isn't going
to be any house to have it in.

Darrin said, "Or else." And
you know what that means.

- It means nothing to me.
- It means my marriage
is at stake.

Oh, blast the house!

I hope you're satisfied,
missy. I'm very grateful.

Fine. I was going to do
my annual rendition of...

'Twas the Night
Before Halloween.

Aw. We're gonna miss that?
Gee, I'm all choked up. [Laughing]

Anybody who'd knock
anybody else out of a tree is sick.

Oh! Mother, really.

Uncle Arthur, come
on. Thank you, Sammy.

Mother, about your party. Couldn't
you have it somewhere else?

Why, Samantha, that's
an excellent suggestion.

Brazil's lovely
this time of year.

A little redoing here, a
little highlighting there.

And probably a tinkling
fountain might be nice.

Where? Brazil?

- In your living room.
- Oh, Mother, no!

Too late.

Oh! Oh, Mother!

What's Darrin going to say?

You didn't expect me to ask my guests
to come here the way it was, did you?

I'll add a few little
things here and there.

Endora, you decorate the
way you do everything else...

In super-stupendous,
glorious bad taste.

[Groans]

[Doorbell Rings] Uh-oh. I
wonder who that can be.

If that's who I
think it is. [Gasps]

Oh, it is! It's Gladys
Kravitz. What am I gonna do?

Allow me.

[Gasps]

[Gasps] What are you doing here?

I live here. Now ask me why.

Thank you, Uncle Arthur.

Think nothing of it.

Now, what time do you want
the life of the party to appear?

- Meaning you?
- Who else?

How 'bout half past never?

She's joking.

She's not very good at it,
but that's what she's doing.

And furthermore, Mother, as long as
the party is being given in my house,

Uncle Arthur is invited.

That's blackmail.

No, it isn't. That's love.

Hi! Hi, sweetheart,
welcome home.

I was just looking out the window
waiting for you to come home.

Swell, honey, but the
neighbors. Let's go inside.

Wasn't it sweet of Mother? What?

Didn't you notice?
The house is gone.

Yeah, I noticed. I just hope nobody
else did. She couldn't have been nicer.

And all she wanted was one
small, tiny, little concession.

And in view of the rather large,

magnificent, magnanimous
gesture on her part,

I felt the least that
we could do was to

grant her one small,
tiny, little concession.

Which is? To let her
have the party here.

And you're especially invited.

Hey, I'm glad to hear that.

I'm being especially invited to a party
that's being given at my own house.

Incidentally, when can I get into
my own house? In just a minute.

I want to prepare you first. You
see, she's done a little redecorating.

You're just full of all kinds of good
news, aren't you? Can we go inside now?

Uh, well, if you
won't let it throw you.

Honey, believe me, at this
point, nothing can throw me.

[Darrin] Samantha!

- Quite a party.
- Thank you, Durwood.

I flew the food in from all over
the world. Personally, of course.

Of course. Thank you.

Have some champagne. I'm sure
it's a very good year. For whom?

Do have some champagne.

Thank you.

What? What?

Oh, sakes. There are two
full cases on the service porch.

It's so difficult to get
good help nowadays.

And don't forget
the caviar. Or did I?

I did! I completely
forgot the caviar.

Beluga, beluga,

sturgeon of the Caspian Sea,

send your very best eggs to me.

Ew! [Uncle Arthur's Voice]
Careful! I bruise easily.

There you are, Endora, dear.
Caviar on the hoof. [Laughing]

How's that for charm?

That man's impossible!

Sam, you're a sweet child,

but your mother has always
been first, last and foremost a witch.

Come, my darling. I
think this is the house.

[Meows] Of course.
How silly of me.

Really, Boris. Sometimes I
wonder which one of us you prefer.

You're the more beautiful, my darling,
but milk is cheaper than champagne.

[Gasps] Abner!

Now let us go in. I'm
anxious to see Endora again.

One moment. I
want to fix my fur.

Hair, my darling.
Until midnight, it is hair.

Midnight. Again?

Boris, why must I always leave a
party just when it's getting started?

Because you are a
pussycat. And rules are rules.

Your slip is showing.

Oh.

Abner! Abner!

Ah, Boris, how
good of you to come.

Endora, my love.

And Eva! I've set aside a saucer
of milk, darling, for after midnight.

You're too kind. Come in.

Gladys, you've called
the police department,

the fire department,
and the S.P.C.A.

Who are you calling now? How many
people have to tell you you're crazy?

Councilman Green,
this is Gladys Kravitz,

chairwoman of the neighborhood committee
for your reelection. Crazy but shrewd.

I'd like you to come out here right
away and investigate a very strange party.

I see Boris has brought
his "ghoulfriend."

Go on, darling, it's the best!

Excuse me, darling.

Samantha.

My darling.

How wonderful to see you again.

Hello, Boris. I'd like you to meet
my husband Darrin. I'm honored.

How do you do? May
we have this dance?

Darrin? Uh, be my guest.

Well, hello. I don't
think I know you.

Um, I'm her husband. Darrin.

[Purring] Darrrrrin.
What a masculine name.

Dance with me?

All right.

Um, I'm afraid I'm not up
with the new dance steps.

Oh, but it's so
easy. You just...

move.

Wait. What?

Oh, I love a man
with a mustache.

Pull in your claws,
kitty cat. He's mine.

Kitty cat? Mmm.

Genuine alley. Oh?

Oh!

You see, last year
Hagatha gave the party.

And I'll never forget the
appetizers she served.

Boiled tree fungus
with peppered fish fat...

and sea urchins
with bordelaise sauce.

I'm afraid we'll have
to move back a bit.

Eva is insisting on
doing her little thing again.

Please.

And the second course was boiled
ostrich with sweet and sour sauce,

turtle dove sautéed
in its own feathers,

roast parrot and dormice
stuffed with pork and pine kernels.

♪♪ [Drum Fanfare]
What's going to happen?

Eva is going to dance. Again.

Her own creation. She
calls it the Pussyfoot.

Oh! I thought you'd like that.

Anything's an improvement
on listening to Uncle Arthur.

By the way, I've been meaning to ask
you. Where's the music coming from?

We have our own special
hookup. Ghost-to-ghost.

That's cute, Sammy.

Sorry.

I forgot to tell you
about the salad.

Oak leaves and moss,
Spanish moss, I think,

with neat's-foot
oil and vinegar.

Really? And finally for dessert,

flamingo flambé with
fricassee of forget-me-nots.

How do you like
that? Sounds delicious.

Delicious? Why,
it was revolting!

You weren't listening
to me, were you?

John, I tell you, this Kravitz
woman is a triple-A kook.

And I tell you,
Councilman, if it's one thing

you better learn about
American politics...

it's that kooks vote.

Councilman Green. Dear Mrs.
Kravitz, how nice to see you.

This is Mr. Morgan,
my campaign manager.

Wait till you see what's going
on in that house across the street.

Well, if there is... Councilman, just
in case there is something going on,

don't you think we ought to
arrange for some documentation?

Documentation. We're going
across the street. You call this number.

When the man answers, tell him to
stand by for a call from Councilman Green.

Who'd you have her call? The Morning
Globe. You want headlines or not?

Good thinking.

Excuse us.

Oh, some hors d'oeuvres
from Perugia. Hey, Sam!

Say, hey, Willie.

- How you doin'?
- Fine. Just fine.

Sam, Sam. Hmm?

Isn't that Willie
Mays? Of course.

She's my favorite. Naturally.
She's her mother's daughter.

What's he doing
here? Oh, Darrin, really.

You mean, he's a... too?

The way he hits
home runs, what else?

Sam? Oh, excuse me, sweetheart.

I think it's about time for
me to pop out to the ballpark.

He sure is.

Well, hello!

You've been ignoring
me all evening.

Not intentionally, I'm sure.

There must be something
I should be doing.

This party's being given in
my own house, you know.

That's fascinating.
Tell me more.

And while you're at it, you
can scratch me behind the ears.

Did you see that? No. And if you know
what's good for you, neither did you.

Expecting some late arrivals?
No, but we may have some anyway.

See that man? I think
that's our councilman.

What's he doing
here? I don't know.

Probably some of Gladys
Kravitz's handiwork.

I don't care what you say, I want to
know what's going on in that house.

It is! He and his friend are
coming to the front door.

What'll we do? We do nothing.

Party crashers are my specialty.

That should take care of that.

This is the thinnest house
I've ever been through.

Well, we found a
shortcut through the house.

Now all we have to
do is find the house.

Ah, Eva. Eva, please!

I'm a married man. I know.

I better take care of that.

That's what makes
you so interesting.

Eva.

[Eva's Voice] Rats!

Exactly. Go chase a few.

Sam, did you?

Mmm, didn't have to. At
midnight it happens automatically.

Sammy, come here.

Oh, excuse me.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

I got rid of 'em once. Persistent
little devils, aren't they?

Morgan, there's more to
this house than meets the eye.

You mean, there's less to
this house than meets the eye.

Come on, let's try the window.

Come on, John.
Let's get out of here.

We always did make a good team.

John, I've been handling the problems
of this community year after year,

and I suggest that we handle
the problems of this house...

the same way I've handled all the
other problems of this community.

I suggest that I won't say
anything about it if you don't.

Good thinking.

[Applause] [Endora]
Everybody, quiet please.

What's Endora up to now?

I'm afraid she's about
to start her recitation.

Oh, no. Darrin, are you
gonna let her ruin your party?

My party? Well, it's in your
house. Want everybody to leave?

Is that what they'd do?
Now, stop it, you two. Shh.

We'll just have to grin
and bear it. Come on.

[Applause]

Thank you, thank
you. Needless to say,

I wouldn't dream of doing any of my own
selections if some of you hadn't insisted.

Now... what would some of you
insisters like me to do first, huh?

Sing "Melancholy
Baby." [Laughing]

Endora, I apologize.

No apologizes needed for
you, Boris. [Clears Throat]

My first selection will be 'Twas
the Night Before Halloween.

'Twas the night before Halloween and all
who were chic, were sipping champagne...

They'd been stoned for a week.

The witches and warlocks
in Rome by the score,

with their ladies attired
in their best by Dior.

Checking their warts as
they came through the door.

And the odd little mortals,
all snug in their beds,

while visions of trick or
treat danced in their heads.

Our children...

were practicing spells
and their chance...

And even the poltergeist
pulled off their pants.

[Laughing]

I've had it! Did you
hear what I said, Arthur?

I've had it!

I guess that will
dampen your spirits.

Come on, everybody, let's
take our party somewhere else.

The Riviera? Venice, anyone?

Oh.

You gotta say one thing
for her, she's got imagination.

I warned you, Uncle Arthur.

Thank you, Sammy.

Let's put it this way.

It was the most unusual
Halloween party I've ever been to.

It sure beats
dunking for apples.

Well, I think it was Mother's
most unusual Halloween party too.

You know something, among other
things, you're an awfully good sport.

Nah. It's true.

Not many men would go through what
you've gone through and still keep smiling.

That's true. Darrin!

Well, I...

Just to show my appreciation for
you letting us have the party here,

I promise that next year, if you want to,
we'll spend Halloween with your family.

Thanks. And
Thanksgiving with mine.

Mmm.

[Chuckles]