Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 33 - There's Gold in Them Thar Pills - full transcript

Hello. Max Grand's Drugstore?

Oh, hi, Evelyn.

This is Mrs. Stephens.
I was wondering...

Bless you.

Could you deliver a hot water bottle?

Oh, I see.

Well, just tell your delivery boy
to go home and go to bed...

keep warm, drink plenty of liquids
and get a lot of rest.

Yes. Bye.

Oh, dear.

Darling, forgive me for being so late.



Late for what?

Have you forgotten?
We had a date to go shopping.

Well, I'm sorry, Mother,
but I can't leave. Darrin's not well.

What's new about that?

His head is so stuffed up
he can hardly breathe.

Well, it can only be
an improvement, Samantha.

Oh, Mother. Now, I'm going to go out
and get him a hot water bottle.

Would you stay till I get back?

- Well...
- Oh, please?

- Oh, all right.
- Thank you.

Darling, I'm gonna go out
and get you a hot water bottle.

Okay.

Dr. Altman's gonna send over
one of his associates.

- Good.
- And Mother's here.



- Did you hear me?
- I heard you.

Well, I'll only be gone a minute.
Mother's gonna take care of Tabatha.

Then can we go shopping?

Oh, Mother, that's impossible,
unless Darrin gets well in a hurry.

Guess who's going to get better
in a hurry.

For your information,
I was about to enter my bath.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Dr. Bombay...

but this is
something of an emergency.

You know perfectly well my practice
is limited to our own people.

But I thought just this teensy-weensy
once you'd make an exception.

For me?

Pretty please?

Endora, some women
can get away with being coy.

You are not among their number.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll get back to my bath.

If he doesn't get better, Samantha
will be tied to this house all week.

Unfortunate.

She won't be able to go to Paris.

Regrettable.

I'll just have to get Dr. Agrafor
to replace you as our family doctor.

- Where's the patient?
- Right this way.

I wanna thank you for coming over
to see me, doctor...

since I'm not
one of your regular patients.

No, I'd say you're
a most irregular patient.

Pardon?

Lean forward.

What's the matter?

- I'm only human.
- Sorry, I forgot about that.

- I think I've located your difficulty.
- What is it?

You have a cold.

I have a cold.

- That's what I just said.
- That's where I heard it.

These pills will do the trick.

- Antibiotics?
- Antibiotics only bore a cold to death.

Take one of those pills.
Your cold will be cured instantly.

- That's amazing. Who puts these out?
- I do.

Well, are they safe?

I can assure you they have been
untouched by human hands.

Yeah, but how come
nobody ever... Ever...

If there's going to be another monsoon,
I'd better leave.

Wait, wait, wait.
Just a minute, doctor.

It's gone! My cold's gone!

I never make idle promises.

But this is amazing!

Have you thought of
putting these out commercially?

- What for?
- You could make an awful lot of money.

What would I do with money?

The same thing everybody else does.
Buy things.

Planes, boats, cars,
houses, you name it.

I can assure you, I have no need
for any of those things.

May I tell you something, doctor?
It's amazing...

to find someone who doesn't care
about money. You're quite unique.

For your information, you are
concurring with a vast body of opinion.

Can you get that, Endora?

No. I'm busy with the baby.

I'll be right back.

- Larry, what a surprise!
- What are you doing out of bed?

Sam said you couldn't lift
your head off the pillow.

- You're supposed to be suffering.
- I feel fine.

Oh, that's marvellous,
just marvellous.

Here I am, dragging myself to work
with a temperature of 101 degrees...

and you're at home, feeling fine.

Less than a minute ago,
I was upstairs.

I was coughing, sneezing,
my head was stuffed.

The doctor gave me these pills.

I took one and the cold disappeared.

- A little hard to believe, huh?
- No, it's not a little hard to believe.

It's impossible to believe.

You want the surprise of your life?

Take one of these pills.

You're gonna carry this charade
out to the bitter end, eh?

I'm truly grateful to you,
Dr. Bombay.

I wish there was some way
I could repay you.

- There is.
- In what way?

Allow me to get on with my bath.

- Incredible!
- Did I tell you?

There's a million dollars in this bottle.

- A million? A billion!
- Where are you going?

Where do you think?
To talk to the doctor.

But he's a dedicated scientist.
He doesn't care about money.

Doesn't care about money? Well.

Well, if money doesn't mean anything
to him, something else does.

Everybody has an Achilles' heel,
a weak spot, my boy.

And as you know,
I have a Ph.D. in weak heels.

I just got Tabatha to sleep.

We're just going to see the doctor.

- Oh, he's gone.
- Gone!

We didn't see him
come downstairs.

Well, I mean, he's really gone.

You know, way out.

You're not kidding.
Come on, Lar.

I'll go up and send him down.

I just don't want you
to wake the baby.

Say, you know what I was thinking?

If we tie up the doctor,
Hornbeck will be in this afternoon.

Yeah. And can you imagine
what a pill like this would mean...

to a business
like Hornbeck Pharmaceuticals?

Yeah. And for his partners.

He doesn't have any partners.

He will.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I know a doctor isn't supposed to have
a life of his own, but this is ridiculous.

How was I to know
you were still in your bath?

I take long baths.

Dr. Agrafor takes short showers.

Dr. Bombay, believe me,
I know your type.

Selfless, dedicated,
devoted to your work.

And I ask, is it fair for you to deny
your remedy to the rest of humanity?

It so happens that humanity,
as you call it, is not my concern.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I prescribe it whenever it's necessary.

Doctor...

I make you this offer.
Put yourself in my hands...

and you will go down
with the great of medicine.

Lister, Pasteur, Madame Curie...

Sir, I'll thank you not to classify me
among the amateurs.

Doctor.

Let me show you the big picture.

How many people in the world?
Three billion, four?

Let's say they live in a billion homes.
Now, think of this, doctor.

In a billion bathrooms around
the world...

there is a bottle in the
medicine chest.

And emblazoned across
the label is the name:

"Dr. Bombay."

And below the name...

your picture.

In colour.

Yes.

Yes. That might be rather nice.

Bingo.

Now, what do you say we draw up
a little agreement, Dr. Achilles?

I mean, Dr. Bombay.

Anything to get me back
to my bath.

Honey, I'm home.
Did the doctor come?

He sure did.
In fact, you just missed him.

What are you doing out of bed?

An incredible thing happened.
The doctor gave me pills...

and cured my cold, like that.

Something more important happened.

Sam, you won't have to
go shopping anymore.

- The shops will come to you.
- What are you talking about?

The pills the doctor gave me.
They cure the common cold.

- And we've got the rights to them!
- Honey, we're rich!

Wait a minute.

I want to know. Was that the doctor
that Dr. Altman sent?

Yeah, great guy. A little eccentric...

- Who cares? Come on, Darrin.
- What was his name?

- Dr. Bombay. Bye, honey.
- Doc...

Dr. Bombay!

Mother? Mother!

Oh, you're back.

- Mother, how could you!
- Oh, you mean Dr. Bombay?

Oh, I wouldn't worry, darling.
He cured what's-his-name's cold.

And now we can hop over to Paris.

Mother, for your information I had
no intention of hopping anywhere.

I was simply humouring you.

I have to find out
what was in those pills.

You get that quack right back here.

I wouldn't dream
of disturbing him again.

- Very well, I'll go to him.
- Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Well, you're not. And I'm going to.

You see? Mama knows best.

Well, what Mama knows worst
is how to mind her own business.

Show him in, please.

He's here.
Boy, am I going to enjoy this.

Me too. The old buzzard.

Good afternoon, Mr. Hornbeck.
How are you?

Did I answer your question?
Let's get down to business.

- Sir...
- If you don't have a campaign...

that'll stop our sagging sales,
you're through.

- Do you read me?
- Oh, yes, sir. Like a book.

- A bestseller.
- Before we discuss the new campaign...

None of your elaborate stalls.

If you don't have anything,
just say so and I'll leave.

We've got something to show you.

- Now?
- Now.

- Sir?
- "Found, a cure for the common cold.

Dr. Bombay's Cold Bombs."

- Well?
- How about that?

I'll tell you how about that.
You people have flipped.

You don't know one account
from another.

That isn't even one of my products.

- That's what we're leading up to.
- What are you babbling about?

What if I told you
that we ran into a doctor...

who found a cure
for the common cold?

I'd say put him away with the guy
who claims he can grow... hair.

Mr. Hornbeck, you're in for
the biggest surprise of your life.

Here.

Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

I'm so sorry I misjudged you.
What is this going to cost me?

It isn't going to cost us anything,
partner.

- "Partner"?
- Naturally.

Naturally, but the name's all wrong.
It's corny.

- We'll have to change that.
- We can't do that.

Dr. Bombay is the man
who found the cure.

The name is part of our deal with him.

Dr. Bombay.

Has a bit of a ring, hasn't it?

You again. Didn't I tell you to knock?

I knew you wouldn't be
taking a bath in here.

Dr. Bombay, I'm worried about
the pills you gave my husband.

Why? He got rid of his cold,
didn't he?

- Have you ever given them to humans?
- No.

Then how do you know
they're safe for a human to take?

I'll soon find out, won't I?

That's not fair. They might have
some terrible side effect.

My dear girl, how is a scientist
to learn unless he experiments?

You also gave them permission
to market them.

You shouldn't have done that.

Samantha, can't you see I'm busy?

- What's that?
- Chicken soup.

Care for a bowl?

- Not bad, not bad.
- Thirty-four and a half.

Here's a beautiful 55-room home.

Has its own lake.
I can put you in it for, oh, 330,000.

- I don't think so.
- How about a topcoat?

There's a steal on an 80-foot cruiser.
Sleeps ten, twin diesels.

Yes, put him on. How much?

Ninety-two thousand.
It's a hardship case.

Larry, don't you think
this is a little premature?

Are you kidding?
You saw the way Hornbeck flipped.

He and his lawyer will be here
in half an hour.

Those agreements
are as good as signed.

Can't you get it through your head
we're filthy rich?

Show him a boat. Oh, hi, Fred.

Remember that talk we had
about you buying me out?

Well, I'm ready to talk.

Yeah, give me a call in a day or two
and we'll get together. All right.

You're going to sell out?

What do I need
an advertising business for?

- That looks like a castle.
- It is. On the Rhine.

Put that aside.

Here we go. Hello.

I'll tell him.

Sam's in your office. Make it fast,
will you? Before Hornbeck gets here.

Say...

I like that one with the smokestack.

You mean...

You mean he's a witch doctor?

Well, we call him a "warlock doctor."

And those pills aren't...

If that woman
weren't your mother, I'd...

And I may do it anyway!
I gotta stop Larry.

Sweetheart, wait,
there's one more thing...

He's gone hog wild. If I don't stop him,
he may ruin both of us!

What happened?

That must be the side effect.

Side effect?

Dr. Bombay's pills.

That's what
I was trying to warn you about.

How long is this going to last?

I don't know.

I guess I'll just have to...

pop back to Dr. Bombay's office
and see if he has an antidote.

Well, you'd better hurry, because...

- Hello?
- Where's Mr. Stephens?

He just stepped out.

Would you tell him that Mr. Hornbeck
and his lawyer are on the way in?

Yes, sir.

Will you please hurry!

This is ridiculous.

We're building an empire
and he's visiting with his wife.

It's not like him.

- It's like her.
- What?

- Yes, sir?
- Hasn't he come back yet?

No, I'm sorry, he hasn't.

- Well, it's about time.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.

He guarantees one of these
will lower your voice.

Thank you.

Well?

Could you speak up a little bit?

Speak a little slower, sweetheart.
I'm trying to read your lips.

Gonna kill who?

Your mother!

I'll be right back.

- Too low, eh?
- He can't talk at all.

Well, is that so terrible?

I've met him, and he doesn't
seem to have much to say.

Dr. Bombay, how would you
like to be reported...

to the Witches' Medical Association?

Now, now, now, let's remain calm
and not indulge in idle threats.

You know you're not
supposed to practice on humans.

Get up off your hassock
and give me something...

that'll bring my husband's
voice back, or else.

Really, Sam. There's really only
one way to do it, you know.

- What's that?
- Well, I'd have to...

No, no, no.
It's simply out of the question...

for a doctor of my far-flung
reputation.

Whatever it is, you had better do it
and do it quick.

Or you have no idea
how far-flung you will be.

Well, come on.
Hornbeck's blowing his top.

Okay, so you lost your voice.

You can still listen, can't you?
Come on.

Well, I found him.

Sit down. And listen.

Go ahead, Mr. Hornbeck.

We were discussing
whether to go public...

- or hold onto the stock ourselves.
- I say, why share a gold mine?

We can always
go into public issue later.

What do you think?

You can nod your head, can't you?
Do you think we should go public?

You mean we should keep the stock
among the three of us?

What's the matter with him?

I think I know what it is.

This is the big one.
The chance we've all dreamed of.

And I think he's got
a little stage fright, that's all.

That's probably
why you lost your voice.

- What's wrong with you?
- My voice.

- Listen to me.
- What happened?

I don't know! I don't know!

"Pills."

Side effects?

I think we've talked long enough.

Let's sign the agreements,
get it over with.

I've got a better idea. Why don't we
just forget the whole thing?

- You're joking, of course.
- I wish I was.

Mr. Hornbeck, those pills
have a side effect.

Who do you think you're kidding?
Stephens disappears, comes back...

hands you a note, now you're trying
to back out. I know what's going on.

You wanna give it to another company!
It's the bait and double cross!

Now you have it too, Mr. Hornbeck.

- So have you!
- No, I didn't take any pill.

This is the way I talk all the time.

- Yes?
- Mr. Tate?

Mrs. Stephens is here again.

Hi. I thought it might be rather nice
to drink a toast to the new company.

Forget it, Sam.
We're out of business.

Oh, Mr. Hornbeck,
this is Mrs. Stephens.

- How do you do?
- You too, huh?

No sense in letting this go to waste.

Sam, do you know
where we could find Bombay?

On the road to Mandalay?

No! I mean the quack who
conned us into this whole pill deal.

Those pills of his have side effects.

Is that why your voices
all sound so funny?

It's not so funny to me.

Here, sweetheart. Drink this.

Champagne's been known
to work wonders.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Sam, it's very good.

My voice! My voice came back!

It worked.
Maybe it'll help you fellas.

You're right, this...

Hey! I'm back to normal too.

Hope I can get mine back.
It is back!

Didn't do a thing for me.

When I think of how close we came
to an international disaster.

Tate, this is another example
of one of your feeble... Feeble...

Bless you.

I got my cold back again.

Mr. Hornbeck, how was I to know...

Know...

Bless you.

This is no place for a lawyer
who's still got his health.

- I'll see you all.
- Wait. I'll drop you off in my cab.

- Thanks, I'll take my own cab.
- I hope you'll give me...

an opportunity
to make up for this goof.

Why? So you can top it
with another goof?

So this is Dr. Bombay's
magic formula.

Yes, sweetheart.
I had to drag it out of him.

He made me promise
never to tell anyone...

that he gave me
a prescription to catch a cold.

Well, I suppose anything's
better than...

Oh, darling, that's marvellous.

You're back to normal.

Well?

I know, Darrin.

I was saying to Louise when
I was telling her about Hornbeck...

that the last three years have been
one disappointment after another.

- Some good things have happened too.
- Not in the last three years.

How many years
you been with us, Darrin?

Three years.

Now wait a minute, Larry!

You're blaming me because
Hornbeck pulled out?

And who introduced me
to that kook Dr. Bombay?

And who badgered him
into giving us the rights?

One of your severest faults
is that you can't accept blame.

I can't? How about...?

- Yes?
- Mr. Hornbeck and his lawyer are here.

Lawyer?

- He's gonna sue us.
- Has he got any grounds?

I don't know.

Have them come in.

That's all I need right now,
is a lawsuit.

As if I don't have enough suits.
And boats.

I'm sorry. I'm getting hysterical.

Mr. Hornbeck, before you say anything,
Stephens wants to make a statement.

- Me?
- I want you to tell Mr. Hornbeck...

that you are personally responsible...

for discovering Dr. Bombay
and his pills.

- Just a minute!
- I knew you were the bright one!

Where can I find this Dr. Bombay?

- I wanna make a deal with him.
- What about the side effect?

Side effects, plural.

- There's another one?
- I'll say.

What is it?

Prager, get out those agreements.
Boys, get out your pens.

We're back in business once again.

I just thought of a slogan:
"Gone tomorrow. Hair today."

Don't like it, huh? Forget it.

I'm going to build an empire that's
the greatest ever seen. You with me?

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