Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 30 - How to Fail in Business with All Kinds of Help - full transcript

All right, Tabatha. Lesson
number one in oven cleaning.

Fascinating, huh?

- I knew it.
- [Groans]

I knew it.

I knew that life with that
mortal would finally get to you.

You're taking gas.

With an electric stove? That
would be the trick of the week.

My poor Samantha.

Where is your pride? Do you realize you're
doing all that grubby, menial work...

right before the
eyes of your child?

You bet. I figure she
can't learn too young.



Oh. Well, actually, darling,
I came to invite you...

to the elephant
races at New Delhi.

- [Darrin] Honey?
- [Groans] Not on an empty stomach!

Good.

So long, hon. Mmm.
Have a nice day.

Haven't you heard? Today
is going to turn the tide.

I believe these layouts
I've been working on...

are going to knock the
prospective client's eyes out.

And I'm not going to
be too tough on Larry,

but I think the bonus I get should
cover the trip to Bermuda we might take.

Might take? Well, if the prospective
client becomes "unprospective"...

Oh, sweetheart, he'll love it. I
wouldn't have it any other way.

What do you mean by that? Nothing.
Just a little wifely encouragement.

Then keep it that
way, huh? What...



Of course. See you tonight.

Bye, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

[Door Closes]

If you leave it to mere
wifely encouragement,

the closest you'll ever get
to Bermuda will be an onion.

Oh, very funny. You
should be in Paris or London,

or going to the
elephant races with me.

But since he can't afford it,

I think he needs help.

Mother, dear, butt out.

Samantha, it is your
heritage, you know.

You should live in
the sparkle of a star,

in a flash of color.

Samantha, you're a
creature of the wind.

Mother, speaking of
wind, why don't you blow?

Samantha!

[Wind Howling]

Oh! Oh, Mother!

Please! Speaking of ill winds!

This one is a
beauty. A real beauty.

You know, if Wilkerson likes
this stuff as much as I think he will,

it could mean a lot more
than one little lipstick account.

We might even lock up all the
Madame Maruska cosmetic products.

Lipstick, face cream,
hair spray, all that gook!

It'd be worth millions to us.

Millions. You know your eyes light
up when you talk about money, Larry?

Of course. I'm a greedy person.

[Intercom Buzzes] Yes?

[Woman On Intercom] Mr. Wilkerson
is waiting in the conference room.

[Together] Be right there!

Widdershins and
darklings chuckle,

one man will shine,
one man will sparkle.

Stephens will seem
to you the best,

a better man than all the rest.

Uh, no offense, Darrin, but I
think I'd better carry the ball.

Arch Wilkerson's an
old golf buddy of mine,

and I'll be able to handle
him with just the right touch.

That's fine with me, Larry.
You're the boss. Good boy.

Watch me have old Arch
eating right out of my hand.

Hey, Arch, have I
got a winner for you!

It's sweeter than holding
out a 60-foot approach shot.

Yes, I'm sure it is, Larry.
You must be Stephens.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet
you. Great pleasure indeed.

Well, I'm delighted to meet
you, sir. Well, let's get on it, Arch.

Believe me, it's a
hole in one all the way!

Yes, of course, Larry. What
do you think of it, Stephens?

Well, sir, we believe in
the campaign we have

planned for Madame
Maruska's new lipstick.

You give us the word,
sir, we'll get the ball rolling.

Good! Very good, Stephens.
I like the way you put that.

[Darrin] Thank you, sir. But I said
that exact same thing to you, Arch.

Don't you remember?
Yesterday at the clubhouse.

Yes, of course, Larry. Now you've got my
curiosity going. Let's see those layouts.

You'll flip, Arch. You know when
you and I discussed this last week,

I decided then... Yes, yes. I
think I should tell you, Stephens,

that this lipstick is the key
product for our whole new line,

and Madame Maruska herself is gonna be
very much interested in how you handle it.

Well, I'm sure if she'll drop by
the office, we'll... What? [Laughing]

Drop by the office!
Did you hear that, Arch?

Stephens doesn't know what
we know about Madame Maruska.

Never makes personal calls, a
recluse in her ivory tower. [Laughs]

I remember you telling me out on the
fairway... Larry, why don't you sit down?

We're not out on
the golf course now.

Please go on, Mr. Stephens.

Uh, well, I... Now you've
got the ball, kid. Tee off.

Well, sir, as we saw the problem, it was
to introduce a new product in a new area.

I'm sure if you study
these, sir, you'll get the idea.

Ah! Yeah. Uh-huh!

And then Mr. Wilkerson insisted that I be
put in charge of Madame Maruska's account.

[Gasps] Which means, dear
girl, if you care to plan ahead,

you may start packing
for Bermuda immediately.

Oh, Darrin!

Oh, that's wonderful!
I'm so proud of you.

I can't wait to tell Mother.

Why? Why?

Why? So she can
hear the good news.

Sam, the last thing
in the world that your

mother wants to hear
is good news about me.

Why are you so anxious to tell her?
What has your mother got to do with this?

Nothing. Besides, at a time like
this, we're certainly not going to let...

anything that Mother might
say or do bother us, are we?

What do you mean? "Might do
or say." Did she do something?

What did she do? It has to be
something underhanded, right?

Right. Darrin, you keep asking
and answering your own questions.

I save a lot of time that way.
She did do something, but what?

You want to answer that one? No.

No. It figures it had
something to do with work.

This morning. Wilkerson.

Was that the result of
some of her hocus-pocus?

Bingo!

Well, Darrin, I don't really
know. All Mother said was... Sure!

Sure. That's why he
took such a shine to me

and practically ignored
his old pal Larry!

She put a spell on him!
Darrin, give yourself credit.

Wilkerson liked you
because he liked your ideas.

Mother didn't have
anything to do with that.

And I thought that Larry was just
overdoing his old golf buddy bit.

But that was Endora's doing!
Sweetheart, you're jumping to conclusions.

Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not.

But as long as there's
a possibility of that

possibility, it ruins
the whole deal for me.

Really, Samantha!

You picked a lemon
in the garden of love.

Mother, you did
influence Darrin's client!

- Naturally. But I did it
for you, darling.
- Oh, for...

If I hadn't, Mr. Wilkerson wouldn't
have given him the time of day.

You should be celebrating. In my
house we celebrate the things I earn!

And I didn't earn anything!

Mother, you had
no right to meddle.

Darrin can get ahead
strictly on his own.

Fat chance.

I can handle this, Sam.
Endora, you wasted your time.

You threw the Madame
Maruska account right into my lap.

I'm throwing it right back out again.
I'm taking myself off the account.

Do you think that once the wheels
are in motion, they can be stopped?

You bet your sweet broom, I do!

Don't be too sure about that.

Just don't be too sure.

After all, Larry, you brought
Wilkerson into the office!

He's your friend, and
I think it's only fair...

that you personally handle
the Maruska cosmetics account.

Fair, schmair.
Look at me, Darrin.

Is this the face of a
sensitive man? But Larry...

Wilkerson wants you. I want that
Maruska account. So what's the problem?

- What about your pride?
- My what?

Wilkerson likes you better than he likes
me, so I'll cry all the way to the bank.

Mr. Stephens! She's here!

She is? Who's "she," Betty?

Madame Maruska! Unbelievable!

And she wants to see you
personally, Mr. Stephens.

That's great. That's great.
Show her in. Show her in!

Madame Maruska never leaves her
salon, but she's coming to see you.

She must have
flipped over your ideas!

It's fantastic. It
certainly is unbelievable.

[Russian Accent] Gentlemen. This
outfit is from my spring collection.

Tell me how you
love it. I adore it!

I think it is quite
mad. Quite mad.

Mah-roosh-kah! That is
how you say my name.

Mah-roosh-kah. You try.

[Together] Mah-roosh-kah!

- Fair. But you will learn.
- We'll practice.

As you know,

I do not usually attend
business discussions.

So dull. But my Mr. Wilkerson,

he was so impressed.

Tell me. Which
one is "Steffins"?

Uh, he is, Maruska.

Mah-roosh-kah!

Uh, Darrin "Steffins". Stephens.

Stephens, uh, my assistant.

And I'm Larry Tate.
We're glad you came over.

We can't wait to
get moving... Ah!

That is why I have come to you.

If this dear man is
to work for my firm,

then he must have a very
responsible position in your firm.

A partner, I should think.

Yes! A partner.

You want Mr. Tate
to make me a partner?

You want me to
make him a partner?

It is my policy never to do
business with a man whose name...

it is not part of the
name of the company.

- Are you suggesting...
- Precisely! McMann, Tate and "Steffins."

- Stephens.
- Madame Maruska...

Mah-roosh-kah! Madame
Mah-roosh-kah, I hardly think...

[Maruska] I never entrust a
new campaign to an employee.

No, no, no, no.

I want someone with the
authority to make decisions.

I insist upon that, Mr. Tate.

Then it is settled, no?

- No!
- "Steffins"!

I'm sure we can
work something out.

Just a minute! If I'm to be made a partner,
that should be Mr. Tate's decision.

He shouldn't be forced into it. I'd
resign before I'd allow that to happen.

Ah, now I understand you!

If you had had the drive,

it would have been McMann,
Tate and "Steffins" a long time ago!

I know your type. You
are afraid of success.

Afraid of success? You know
my type? That's right, "Steffins"!

Stephens! Derwin...
Darrin Stephens!

And I'll thank you to
use my correct name!

Durwood is getting
no apologies from me.

Oh, Mother, please stay
until Darrin gets home,

and then sort of
bury the hatchet.

I'd love to. Where?

How dare you! You
heard me, you phony!

Get out.

Darrin, have you
flipped your wig?

Larry, I know what I'm doing!

This is not Madame Maruska!
She's a fake! Now, get out!

Oh! Are you Madame Maruska?

[Shrieking]

The account, Darrin! You just
blew a million-dollar account.

Larry, we haven't lost a
thing. You must be kidding!

She was a complete fake. Darrin,
are you sure? How do you know?

I can't tell you how I know,
but believe me, I know.

But how? Uh, just a minute.

She was a spy.

You know how
unscrupulous agencies try to

steal accounts? That's
what was happening here.

A spy? Yeah. Well, I'm gonna
take the rest of the afternoon off.

I have something very
important to take care of at home.

Sure, sure. She was a spy.

She was?

Sure, she was.

Was she?

Samantha? Samantha!

What's wrong, sweetheart?
Wouldn't Larry let you off the account?

I didn't get a chance to
argue the point with him.

Something a little more
important came up! Like what?

Like... Her nibs! Are
you referring to me?

I'm not referring to Maruska!

Samantha,

can you translate that gibberish,
or am I to be left in the dark?

Now don't try to brazen it out.
She came to my office today...

and tried to pass herself
off as Madame Maruska!

Well, I saw through her little
disguise and tossed her out on her ear.

How'd you like them
apples, Endora?

You're sick.

Uh, sweetheart.

Mother wasn't in your office.
She was with me all morning.

Sure, she was! Come
on, Sam, don't alibi for her.

That's no alibi.

She was here all the time.

[Samantha] Mm-hmm.
[Darrin] When, all the time?

This morning, all the time.

Your mother was
really here with you?

Yes, Darrin. She really was.

You've never lied to
me, have you, Sam.

No, sweetheart.

Not even this one time.

Darrin, Mother was
here with me all morning.

I could forgive a
little lie this one time.

[Phone Rings]

Hello. Oh, hi, Larry.

But... Y...

M... Hmm.

Madame Maruska. I threw
Madame Maruska out of

my office along with a
million-dollar account.

So why shouldn't I be fired?

Oh, Darrin. I certainly can't allow
you to lose that precious little job.

And I'm not gonna sit
by and watch you take

the bread out of my
granddaughter's tiny mouth.

Now, one simple
incantation... No!

Well, it is my fault, in a way.

No! No witchcraft, nothing.
I'll handle this my way.

If I fall on my head, well, I fall on
my head. But you stay out of my life!

Darrin, can't I do something?

No! No!

[Door Slams]

But I'm sure she'll see me.

I know I don't have an appointment,
but I've got to see Madame Maruska...

It's a matter of life
or death... mine!

Well, maybe I can
catch her between calls.

All right, you can
wait. But no promises.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Maruska think that
there is no more to say!

Madame Maruska,
please let me explain.

Forget it, Stephens.
She's not having any. Larry.

Mr. "Steffins," I am so
glad that you are here also.

Now I can be rid of both
of you at the same instant!

Well, you have every right to be
angry. I can't explain my actions,

but I am sorry, and
I humbly apologize.

I do not accept your apology!

Well, then don't! But you're
supposed to be a businesswoman.

At least look at the layouts.

If you don't like them, I'll
leave without being told.

But don't dismiss my company
just because I made a little mistake.

Very well, Mr. "Steffins."

I won't have it said that Madame
Maruska made a business decision...

based on personal reactions.

Hmm.

Hmm! "Don't play fair.

Use Madame Maruska's lipstick."

Isn't that something? I hate it!

Good-bye, peasants!

Nothing personal, Darrin,
but I think I'll have you shot.

Oh, Larry, please!
Let's talk! Uh...

Let me buy you a drink. All
right, Stephens. One drink.

But don't talk to me.
I'm liable to lose control.

It was all sewed up.

You had to get that crazy idea
Madame Maruska was a fake.

The whole sweet deal.
[Imitates Slashing Sound]

Larry, for the last two hours
you've been going on and on and on.

Why did you do it,
Darrin? Why did I do it?

The whole smear. Why?

- I can't tell you.
- You can tell me.

- No, I can't.
- You can tell me.

Okay. I thought my mother-in-law
turned into Madame Maruska to foul me up.

- So I threw her out.
- Can't tell me, huh?

Right.

Look at that. Isn't
that a great layout?

"Don't play fair. Use
Madame Maruska lipstick."

[Sighs] Best thing I ever did.

Yeah. Great.

Bartender! Yes, sir?

May I? Hey, that's my paper.

That's my layout!
Somebody stole it, line for line!

Let's get back to the office and
check the newspaper listings.

We'll find out who
did this. We'll find out

who's guilty, and he's
gonna pay, boy, pay!

Gimme my paper. [Larry]
We'll fix that dirty crook!

Darrin, you're that dirty crook!

I didn't do it. I don't remember
signing these authorizations.

Well, I don't remember typing them,
Mr. Stephens, but there they are!

Authorizations for newspapers,
posters, leaflets, billboards.

Billboards too? You authorized this
agency to pay for all that promotion,

and we don't even
have the account?

Do you know how much this
is going to cost us? Do you?

Stephens! Come
back here! Stephens!

[Samantha] Darrin,
please try to understand.

Witchcraft is what got you into this
mess, and witchcraft can get you out.

Sam, it's no use. I'm going
to spend the night at the club.

You don't belong
to a club. I'll join one.

Darrin, now listen. I placed your
ads. Your ads! They were wonderful.

Madame Maruska was
wrong and you were right.

Sam, I know you meant
well. You always mean well!

I'm almost used to
your mother's meddling.

After all, she's supposed to be a
colossal pain. She's a mother-in-law!

But when you start doing
it, well, that's just too much.

It is just too, too much.

Darrin. Good-bye, Sam.

[Doorbell Rings]

You son of a gun!
You old son of a gun!

You're wearing two
coats. I know. You want

to tell me how much
money I cost the company.

Well, don't worry about it. I'll
see you get every penny back!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Will you listen to him, Sam?
The guts of a riverboat gambler,

and he's worried about
a few measly thousand.

Larry, what happened?

What happened?
You wheeler-dealer.

Placed Madame Maruska's ads in the paper
even though we didn't have a contract.

And it paid off.

It paid off? Mr. Innocent, huh?

Why, an hour after
those ads hit the paper,

every chain store in town was
on the phone to Madame Maruska,

doubling their lipstick orders.

"Don't play fair.

Use Madame Maruska's
lipstick." It's sheer genius!

The ads worked. Worked? Why, I'm
on my way over to her salon right now...

with the contracts
for her complete line.

And you did it,
fella. You really did it.

Two coats, huh?
Maybe I'll try that.

The ads worked. She
signed up the entire line.

It was your ads that did it. I just placed
them. Any office boy could've done that.

Sam, it was still
witchcraft. You did it.

I could've been that office boy if I'd
had as much faith in my work as you did.

It doesn't matter.
Even if I should've done

it, you did it, and you
shouldn't have done it.

Even if I should've... done it.

That doesn't make any sense.

I know it doesn't.

I just want you to forgive me,
and I don't know how to ask.

[Chuckles] You
don't have to ask.

That's what I call success.

[Yawns] I'm beat.

Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, sweetheart.

Oh, darn.

It's going to be chilly, and I left
Tabatha's comforter downstairs.

Oh, hold it. Don't run
up and down the stairs.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
That's very nice of you.

Well, I'm not going to do it.

You know... Why,
Darrin, I'm shocked.

You said... In this case
I'll make an exception...

At least until I can
afford an upstairs maid.

Thank you.

All done.

Oops. My turn.

Darrin! How did you do that?

I pulled the plug.

Oh.