Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 3 - Witches and Warlocks Are My Favorite Things - full transcript

Mother, it's the
middle of the night.

That's the proper
time for us, you know.

Well, what is it? I
thought you should know...

that tomorrow has been chosen
as the day of the witches' coven.

Coven? Why? Who?

Your aunts, the entire group.

Oh? They're flying in
from all over the world.

Clara has been collecting
old doorknobs in Bolivia,

and Enchantra has been
coaching a yogi in Outer Mongolia,

and Hagatha is
coming from her school.

What's the occasion? We've
all been designated a coven...



to examine and
report on Tabatha.

Report? What kind of report?

Ordinarily I don't get myself
involved in committee work.

I've done more than my
share, as you well know.

But Tabatha is my grandchild,

and I want to be here when
her powers are measured.

Good. I'd like to know myself.

Uh-oh. Darrin will object.

Oh, boy, will he object.

That's why I came
to tell you tonight.

Get rid of him! What?

Not permanently,
just for tomorrow.

Although permanently
is a more attractive idea.

Well, fortunately, that
won't be necessary.



Even though tomorrow's
Saturday, Darrin has to work.

So we're in the clear. Splendid!

I don't have to measure
your powers, Tabatha.

I know you're the most
adorable little witch in the world.

Bye-bye, honey.

Think you're gonna
have to work late?

Isn't having to work
Saturday bad enough?

Somebody ought to tell Larry about
the 40-hour week, the 8-hour day.

Talk about your slave drivers. Oh,
now, darling, Larry's not that bad.

He's not, huh?

Greetings.

Would you mind knocking
before you pop in?

Well, I thought you
were on your way to work.

I am, and, somehow, you showing
up makes it all seem worthwhile.

I'll call you later. Oh, please do,
especially before you come home.

Why? Well, so I can have a
martini in the window. What else?

That's a good idea. Don't feel
you have to wait for me, Endora.

Never fear.

Oh, that mortal!

Oh, I do hope Tabatha's powers are
not limited to her unfortunate lineage.

That unfortunate lineage happens to
be Tabatha's father and my husband,

and I'll thank you to remember
that. I know, but I love her anyhow.

[Rustling, Thudding]
Ooh! Oooh-ooh!

Oooh-ooh! Ooh, dear.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Ooh, dear. Aunt
Clara, are you all right?

Oh, yes, oh, yes. I'm
all right. [Stammering]

Oh, dear.

Oh, yes. [Chuckles]

You know, Samantha,

I'm afraid that you're going to
have to put a bigger chimney in.

[Laughs] You know?

You might try coming
through the door, Clara.

And lose my
professional standing?

Oh, there's the little darling.

What a dear little girl.
Oh! Quack! Quack, quack.

Oh, it's so long since
we've tested a child.

Aren't you excited, dear? Oh,
yes, I certainly am, Aunt Clara.

I hope the others aren't too
late. I'd like to get on with it.

Mother, do you think
Daddy'll be here?

I have no idea where Maurice is,

and I have no intention
of hunting him down.

Well, it would be
nice if he were here.

Why? [Thunder Rumbles]

It's your father.

Because Tabatha
is also my grandchild.

Oh, Daddy!

How's Daddy's little girl, eh?

May I remind you that she
is also Mama's little girl?

I wish you'd stop making these
unannounced theatrical entrances, Maurice.

It's really quite unnerving.

I'd always hoped somehow that
age would mellow you, Endora.

Instead, you're
just puckering up.

Oh, now-now,
Mother, Daddy, don't.

Clara, it's been a long time.

Maurice, you're
looking very well.

Oh, dere she is!

Dere's Mauwice's
little pwecious.

Ugh, ugh, ugh!

Do that again,

and I'll make you talk baby talk
for the rest of your unnatural life.

You wouldn't dare.

Well, she's quite a
little girl, isn't she?

Yes, and she's certainly got
it. There's no question of that.

I'm glad you're pleased, Daddy.

You know, there's a lot
of me in this little darling,

a certain nobility,
a certain fire, a...

How about "sickening charm"?

- Someday, Endora. Someday.
- [Chuckles]

Daddy, are you able
to stay for a while? Aunt

Hagatha and Aunt
Enchantra are coming here.

A coven, eh? Well, the child
must certainly be certified.

There's no doubt about that,
Samantha. Tests must be made.

You'll stay for them? I'm
sorry. I was on my way...

to the opera in Vienna
when I heard about Tabatha.

They're doing Faust tonight. I
always get a million laughs out of that.

Besides, you don't need
me. This is women's work.

Clara, you're looking
more ravishing than ever.

Oh, thank you very
much, Maurice. [Chuckles]

I must leave before this gaggle of geese
gets here. Let me know their findings.

How will I be able to
get in touch with you?

Right. [Whistles]

This... [No Sound]

this will always
get through to me.

Oh, thank you, Father.

Well, curtain time!

Keep smiling, Endora.

[Thunder Rumbles]

I'll never know what
I saw in that man.

I know.

What in the world
is keeping them?

I'm due in Tel
Aviv this afternoon.

Oh, really? What's in Tel Aviv?

"What's in Tel Aviv?"
The surf's up, my dear.

[Horn Honking] Wait a
minute! I hear them coming.

[Honking Continues]

Oh!

Aunt Hagatha, Aunt Enchantra,
how lovely to see you both.

Thank you, dear.
Nice to be here.

Ah, you came together.
How very sisterly.

Hagatha picked me up on the way.

You're both late.
Let's get on with it.

Thank you, Macbeth. We
won't be needing you for a while.

Where is the little darling? Oh, she's
in the kitchen eating some cookies.

Oh, she shouldn't have
anything to eat before the tests.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
forgot, Aunt Hagatha.

Well, I'll just have to
make allowances for it.

[Samantha] Be careful.
She's just a baby.

Well, we haven't lost a patient yet,
dear, 308 years certifying witches.

I hope the husband isn't home.

The poor dear's working.

Oh, well, good. Humans emit a low-grade
frequency which upsets my instruments.

Uh, put this on
the child, Clara.

Yes. Oh, it's a pity that
Darrin had to work today.

Some of your ideas are
mighty provocative, Darrin.

Mighty provoc...

- Where did you get that?
- Uh, this?

Well, Samantha
gave it to me. It's a...

Well, in case we go out to
lunch, and you have some, uh,

spaghetti or lobster or...

- What else is kind of drippy?
- You want a straight answer?

This Saturday work
must be getting to him.

Must be getting to me too.

Aunt Clara. Eight to
five, it's Aunt Clara.

Tabatha.

[Instrument Beeping]

[All] Lovely!

Well, I knew it all the time. I knew
it! I knew it! [Beeping Continues]

[All Gasp, Exclaim]

Well, it's all over.

Wait until you hear the results.

Well, that's it.

Tabatha has been tested by the
approved methods and standards.

And I come to the conclusion...

that despite the fact she's a
product of a mixed marriage,

her powers are amazing,

and she shows a great potential.

Therefore, I, Hagatha,

do hereby declare and
certify the child, Tabatha,

to be a true and verified witch.

[All Exclaim, Chatter]

Lovely tea, Samantha.
Thank you, Aunt Clara.

Well, let's finish up here, girls. We have
some decisions to make about Tabatha.

Decisions? What decisions?

We have to decide what
Tabatha's whole future is going to be.

Well, I think that's a matter for
Darrin and me to decide, don't you?

Yes, well, after all, they
are the mummy and daddy.

Quiet, Clara. You too, Samantha.

It's our responsibility.

Well, I don't see it that way.

You will.

Sam, what is going
on here? Who...

Darrin, dear. Who are
these-these-these...

Darrin? Dear? Huh? What?

Um, this is my aunt, Hagatha,

and my aunt, Enchantra.

This is Darrin, my
husband, Tabatha's father.

Well, well.

Yes, indeed.

Well, I suppose
it's a matter of taste.

Yes. "De gustibus"
and all that. Pity.

It's getting late, and we still have some
decisions to make. Let's get on with it!

- With what? Get on with what?
- Don't interrupt, Darwood.

Darling, they've
been testing Tabatha,

and they've found out that her
magical powers are very, very strong.

Well, I guess we'll just
have to live with it, that's all.

Quiet! Clara, any comments?

Uh, well-well,
yes. Yes, of course.

[Stammering] I, um... I-I-I...

And, um... on the other
hand, you know, I-I-I...

Thank you, Clara. Enchantra?

In view of the fact that Tabatha is
the first witch of her generation...

and because of her
importance in the hierarchy,

I feel she should be
immediately sent to your school.

I agree with Enchantra.

After all, Samantha
went to Hagatha's school.

- All the really
chic people did.
- Now, wait a minute!

You're interrupting again.

I'm the father, and I have a few
questions. Where is this school?

That, young man, is
none of your business.

Now, Aunt Enchantra, really!
Mother, this has gone far enough.

Testing Tabatha was one
thing, but making decisions

about her future...
that's something else.

Right! This is our business.
Tabatha is our daughter,

and Miss Tabatha Stephens
is going to our public schools.

That's it. I have spoken.

How dare you?

Whoops. Easy.

How dare you talk to
us in that tone of voice?

You impudent
nothing! You mortal!

Don't you talk to
my husband like that.

He has every right
to say what he thinks.

This is his house, and
Tabatha is his daughter.

Oh, you know, I think I
have a wonderful idea.

Uh, well, I-I
thought, um... um...

Now, what was that?

Oh, yes! Oh, yes.
Now, why doesn't, um...

Enchantra move in...

and stay with you
as Tabatha's teacher?

Not a chance! Not a prayer!

Well, if you feel
as strongly as that,

maybe we'd better
think about it some more,

sort of m-m-m-m-mull it over.

There will be no
mulling. Everybody out!

I've had enough of the whole
kit and caboodle of you! Out! Out!

Bravo! Bravo!

Um, well, I mean,
you have to admit,

that he said that with
a great deal of spirit.

Well, I agree with Darrin.

Tabatha stays here. That's
our decision, and it's final.

Girls,

Uh, I don't hear you.
Wh-What did you say?

Oh, listen, dears, speak louder.
I can't hear a word you say.

No, I can't-can't hear you.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
Whatever they say, I'm on your side.

[Endora] Samantha,

it really hurts me that you've drifted so
far from tradition and your great heritage.

Now, we've heard your decision.

Now hear ours.

You're both obviously incompetent to
raise a child as important as Tabatha.

Therefore, we're sending her
to Hagatha's school at once.

That child leaves this house
only over my dead body!

Unfortunately, that
won't be necessary.

Girls.

Sam, I can't move my feet. I
can't either. Mother, you stop this.

Well, of all your
chintzy tricks!

Tabatha!

- That's kidnapping! How dare you...
- You're going to be so sorry...

That's enough out of all of you.

Girls.

[Bird-Chirping Sounds]

You may be angry now, Samantha,

but we're doing this
for Tabatha's own good.

You'll thank us for it later on.

[Hagatha] And I'm sure
your father would approve.

[No Sound]

[Thunder Rumbles]

Trouble, Samantha?

[Chirping Continues]

All right. I get the picture.

A little bit of
witch-napping, eh?

Oh, go back to your opera,
Maurice, and stop interfering.

That baby belongs in her room.

Now then, take
the spell off them.

Unthinkable! We'll
do no such thing!

Out of the question! It's for
our grandchild's own good!

Why, you muddling, bumbling
bunch of creaking old crones!

I ought to... Oh, Maurice,
stop the theatrics.

Honestly, I think you should have
been an actor instead of a warlock.

Perhaps, madam, and
I should have been the

greatest of them. I should
have played Hamlet:

"O, that this too, too
solid flesh would melt,

"thaw and resolve
itself into a dew.

Or that the everlasting..."
[Chirping Resumes]

All right, all right. I
heard you the first time.

Maurice, will you please leave?
You'll miss your favorite aria.

Oh, no, I won't. They can't put the curtain
up on the third act until I get back.

Take the spell off them.

Now, you have no right to interfere
with the decisions of this committee.

One word more out of you, madam,

and... And what?

[Thunder Rumbles] This.

Where are we? Where are we?

Oh! Oh, it's so cold!

It's Mount Everest!

Oh, that ham!

I didn't think he'd dare!

Oh, I'm freezing! We
shall be here forever!

Oh, not I. I'm
not dressed for it!

Oh, all right! Maurice!

I think they'll be
more flexible now,

once they've thawed out.

- [Women Exclaiming]
- Ladies, I'm waiting.

[Sighs] All right.

Thank you, Daddy. Oh, yes!

There will be no more
interfering with my grandchild.

Macbeth!

[No Sound]

Ladies?

Well, ladies?

Well done, Daddy.

For you and my darling
granddaughter, anything.

I'd like to thank you too, sir.

For you, nothing.

You happen to be just standing in
the fallout of my love for my daughter.

Gee, thanks, Dad. Watch it, boy.

Well, time for the
third act of Faust.

Can't keep the curtain waiting any longer,
or Mephistopheles will have hysterics.

[Laughs] Oh.

Maurice, would you
mind dropping me...

Clara! I can think
of no nicer company.

[Chuckles] Come along.

♪ Glory and love
to the men of old ♪

[Thunder Rumbles]

He's quite a guy, your father.

He's really very nice
when you get to know him.

It's okay, honey. I
understand your father.

Under that suave, polished
exterior, he hates me.

Well, that's all
right, sweetheart.

Because under this smooth,
girlish exterior, I love you.

Oh, well.

Darrin,

even though they found that
Tabatha has great potential,

her powers are
still very limited.

She is just a baby,
after all. [Chuckles]

I knew you'd understand.

Her powers may be
limited, but her appetite isn't.

I-I-I'll handle it.

[Sighs]

[Gasps] Daddy!

Shh! Just got her to sleep.

Two visits in one day.
What a marvelous surprise.

Well, I'm a grandfather.

I just thought I'd do a
little bit of babysitting.

Why don't you and Dolphin
go out for the evening?

Well, thank you, Daddy.
That would be wonderful.

The evening's on me.
Where would you like to go...

Bullfights in Madrid,
skiing in Switzerland,

a cup of tea at the
foot of Fujiyama?

What would you like to see?

Daddy, nothing in the world could
top what I'm looking at right now.