Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 28 - No More Mr. Nice Guy - full transcript

Mmm. Marvelous breakfast.

Beautiful wife. I think it's
going to be a gorgeous day.

I think I'll quit my
job and enjoy it all.

[Grunts]

Think I'll begin by
going back to bed.

Oh, fine, fine. I'll just have the
postman slip our bills under your pillow.

I get the message. The
slave's off and running.

See you tonight,
sweetheart. Yes, sweetheart.

[Endora] Now, listen very carefully,
dear, and watch Grandmama.

Oh, witches of the yesteryear,

grant me this wish to disappear.



See how simple it is, dear?

It's really very easy, darling.
Now, why don't you try it, huh?

Oh, no, she won't!

When did you swoop in?
We have doorbells, you know.

Oh? And I warned you about
teaching Tabatha that hocus-pocus!

Oh, don't be such a bore. We
were just playing a little game.

I saw that game. I've told
you a thousand times...

witchcraft will not be
practiced in this house!

What on earth is going on?

Just Darwin, whispering
at his usual level.

[Shouting] I've had it with
her! All right, sweetheart.

You're gonna be late for work.
I'll settle everything. Okay, okay!

But just keep that harpy
away from my daughter!

And me!



I'll see you
tonight, sweetheart.

He's really too much.

Mother, what was it this time?

Oh, nothing!

He was just being
his usual self. Difficult.

Well, that's utter nonsense.

You provoke him. He gets along
beautifully with everybody but you.

Ha, ha, ha. Well, it's true.

In business and everything else,
people find Darrin extremely likable.

Come on, sweetheart. Time
for your breakfast. Here we go.

[Scoffs] People find
Dum-Dum extremely likable.

Oh, they do, do they? [Chuckles]

Well, let's see how likable he
can be. [Robe Bells Tinkling]

Say, I like this type you've
selected, Darrin. Bold, has authority.

Thanks, Larry. [Intercom Buzzes]

Yeah? It's for you, Larry. Hmm.

Hello? Oh, yes.
Send him in here.

Frank Eastwood, an assistant
from the mayor's office.

Well, he can't want a
contribution. Campaign's over.

Not for us, it isn't. I
didn't have time to

tell you, but they want
McMann and Tate...

to create a new
image for the mayor.

Isn't that a little out
of our line, Larry?

Not at all. It's
a very large fee.

Besides, it will open a
whole new field for us,

so turn on the charm, my boy.

Hello, Larry! Frank, my
buddy! Nice to see you.

I don't believe you know my
associate, Darrin Stephens.

Glad to meet you, young
fella. The pleasure's mine, sir.

Have a seat, Frank. Thank you.

Shall we discuss this over some
coffee? How do you take yours, Frank?

Cream and sugar, please. And
you take yours black, right, Darrin?

Right, black.

Oh, tiny wizard of
the irascible spell,

at the teeny sound
of your tinkling bell,

the new acquaintance,
this mortal meets,

he will dislike... and
with loathing treat.

- [Tinkles]
- You don't like cream?

- Uh, no.
- Why not?

- Why not?
- Why not? What have you
got against cream?

[Darrin] I don't have
anything against cream.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen, let's
forget about the coffee, shall we?

And get on with the
campaign? All right. All right.

This campaign for the mayor has to be
handled with the utmost tact and diplomacy.

- I understand, sir.
- How can you understand,
Stephens?

I haven't even mentioned
the problem yet!

Why don't you just be quiet
until you know what's going on?

Look, Frank. Let me assure
you we're here to listen...

and do the best campaign we can.

Oh, I know you are,
Larry. You're an old friend.

And I trust your
judgment completely.

Good. Now just tell us what sort of image
for the mayor you would like us to mold.

Well, Mayor Rockland
is a fine administrator.

But he lacks color and appeal.

He's sort of old-fashioned
in his dress and speech.

Stephens here is an expert
at creating colorful phrases...

that we can sprinkle liberally
into the mayor's speeches.

All right, Stephens. Let's hear some
of those colorful phrases of yours.

Well, I'll have to give
that some thought, sir.

Well now, that's a cliché if I ever heard
one. The mayor uses that line every day!

I wasn't suggesting he use it!

Why not? What's wrong with
it? Got him elected, didn't it?

Yes, it did. And
I voted for him.

Stephens, I resent
your toadying attitude.

I didn't come here to
seek political patronage.

I thought you might have some
ideas about public relations.

Well, I'm sorry!

Uh, perhaps it might be better if, uh, you
gentlemen discussed this campaign alone.

Oh, you're walking
out on us, huh?

Politics are beneath
you, is that it?

You're only interested in
tawdry commercial accounts.

I don't think Darrin meant...
Don't apologize for him, Larry.

But in view of his personality,

I don't see how we can
possibly put the mayor's image...

in the hands of this agency.

Frank! Frank, I-I'll call you.

Why did you do that?

Do what? Why did you
rub him the wrong way?

I didn't, Larry! You heard him.

He was the one
who got outta line.

The client never
gets out of line.

For some reason or other, he
just took an instant dislike to me.

Loathed you, is
the way I'd put it.

We can't have that,
not in our business.

[Sighs]

Mr. Stephens?

Mr. Stephens, there's
someone here to see you.

Hmm?

That model Mr. Tate
wanted you to interview

for the Baldwin Blanket
account. She's here.

Who?

Is something wrong,
Mr. Stephens?

Wrong? Uh, what, uh...
What's wrong about me?

Oh, nothing, sir. Nothing's wrong
with you as far as I'm concerned.

- Would you please send in
the model?
- Yes, sir.

Miss Adams?

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Hello, Mr. Stephens.
I'm Gloria Adams.

The Summit Model Agency sent me.

It's nice to meet
you, Miss Adams.

Since it's for Baldwin Blankets, I
thought this costume might be appropriate.

Th-Th-The nightgown's
a very good idea,

but I don't think
it's necessary.

[Tinkling]

You mean you want
to see more of me?

Oh, no! No! I-I-I just mean
you come highly recommended,

and I'm sure you've had
a great deal of experience.

And what do you
mean by that crack?

Uh, nothing at all! I mean you've had
a great deal of experience modeling.

Yes. That's very lovely.
I'm sure you'll do nicely.

- Do what?
- Nothing!

Here. Let me help you.

Don't you dare touch me!

Come on, Miss Adams!
I'm a happily married man!

Oh, that is what
they all say. Beast.

I...

Wow.

All right, all right.
I believe you.

So you didn't get out
of line with her. But

the Summit Model
Agency did report to me...

that she was highly incensed.

Incensed! She's a kook!

[Intercom Buzzes]

Yes? Oh. Send him right in.

I can't understand it! She acted
like I was some kind of Bluebeard!

Forget it. We can
always find another model,

but not another account as
lucrative as Baldwin Blankets.

Now, for heaven's sake make a
good impression on Baldwin, please!

Ah, Horace. Larry.

I wanted you to
see this immediately.

It's just off the loom.

The new Super
Electronic Baldwin Special.

Horace, it's a beauty.

Say, you haven't met
Darrin Stephens, our top man.

He's got some great
promotion ideas.

Happy to make your
acquaintance, Darrin.

Well, I've been looking
forward to meeting you, sir.

Well, now let's get
down to business.

Darrin, where are those great
slogans you brought me? Hmm?

I put them right on your
desk, Larry. [Tinkling]

Get off that blanket, boy!

Oh! Excuse me, sir.

It's the new Super Electronic
Baldwin, not a doormat.

Here they are. They're
your ideas, Darrin.

I think you, uh, better
read them, Larry.

What's the matter? Haven't
you got any faith in them?

I certainly have, sir!

I think we can get a
campaign going that will

have your blankets
selling like hotcakes!

I don't like overconfidence.

What Stephens
means is that he has

confidence in the
excellence of your product.

Well, why didn't he
say so? I did say so!

We're going to stress the quality and
the durability of the Baldwin blanket,

and also the beauty
and the comfort.

Hmm. Sounds like
you're using the hard sell,

and my blankets are soft.

Oh. Well, uh,

we intend to use soft
humor in the slogans.

Larry. Like this.

"For full protection, Baldwin
Blankets keep you covered."

It's scary.

The word "protection" will make the
customers think about burglars, not sleep.

Burglars. Well, how about this?

"Make your security
blanket a Baldwin."

Make your jokes on
your own time, Stephens.

Horace, perhaps we ought to give
this campaign some more thought.

I'm sorry, Larry,

he just hasn't got the
feel for my blankets.

And chemically,
we don't hit it off.

He's some kind of a kook too!

Well, Larry, say something!
That's not rational behavior.

Speaking of behavior,

this is the third time this morning
you've provoked hostility in the office.

Well, it's not me! No, it's
not! You're not yourself.

Your personality's taken a swan dive,
and two accounts have gone down with it.

I just don't
understand it, Larry.

Neither do I. Why
don't you take the

afternoon off and talk
to someone who might?

- Like who?
- Like Bob Farnsworth.

The psychiatrist?

Now, just a minute, Larry! Bob's
okay as an occasional golf partner,

but I just don't swing with
this head-shrinking jazz!

Don't be medieval, Darrin.
You need psychiatric first-aid.

What I need, Max can handle!

Max?

He's my favorite bartender.

Even the door hates me.

Another one, Mr. Stephens?
No, Max. Nothing's going to help.

Nobody likes me. Yeah? How come?

Down, down, down... [Imitates
Crash] Personality crackup.

Hey, buddy boy, you know what?
I went to Philadelphia yesterday.

Shut up, Harry. You
sure nobody likes you?

They loathe me, the whole world.

Hey, pal. You know what?

Yeah, we know. Yesterday
you went to Philadelphia.

And it was closed.

Okay, now beat it. Don't
bother Mr. Stephens.

It's all right, Max. Let
him stay. I need a friend.

Boy, you are in a bad way.

Washed up. My boss even
tried to send me to a psychiatrist.

Aw, you don't need a
"psycho-diatrist," buddy boy.

Clam up, Harry. What
do you know about it?

Last year I started
going to a psychiatrist...

about my drinking.

Are you still going?

No, I gave him up.

I couldn't afford the booze
and him too. [Laughs]

Beat it, Harry.

Who needs ya? You crumb.

You see, Max? Even him!

Oh, don't pay any
attention to that bum.

Everybody treats me like that.

Yeah? Well, there's
gotta be a reason.

Maybe your boss was right. Maybe
you got one of them complexes.

Does it show that much?

Well, I don't know. I
ain't no skull doctor.

- You think I need one too.
- Well, it can't hurt.

You're right, pal.

[Coin Clinks On Floor]

[Ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Larry.

Darrin?

What would he be doing home
at this hour? Isn't he at the office?

Troubled? What do
you mean, troubled?

Uh, now, don't get upset, Samantha.
It's probably nothing serious.

It's just that he's developed
some sort of personality problem.

Has anything gone wrong at home?

No, of course not. What do
you mean, personality problem?

Well, all morning long people have
been taking an instant dislike to him,

including one of our most
important clients, Horace Baldwin.

I don't understand.

I don't understand
it either, Sam.

But fortunately Baldwin
called and he said

he's reconsidered his
attitude toward Darrin.

He's on his way over to
give him another chance.

Well, Larry, we have to find him.
Where do you think he could have gone?

- Well, he was headed
for a bar.
- A bar!

And grill. I called
there, but he had left.

Say, maybe he took my advice
and is with Bob Farnsworth.

The psychiatrist?

Yes, the psychiatrist. I don't
want to interrupt the session.

He certainly needs help. If you hear
from him, Sam, would you tell him...

to get back to the office
as soon as he can?

Oh, yes, yes, I will, Larry.

Uh, bye.

Psychiatrist? Darrin?

But everyone likes Darrin.

Everyone except...

Mother! Mother, I
want to talk to you.

I know your spiteful spells.

You're antagonizing
people against Darrin.

You materialize this instant.

[Sighs] Mother, you're putting
the mother-in-law business...

out of business.

Tell me, how long have you had
this feeling that people dislike you?

Just since this morning.

I think your inner conflicts have been
building up ever since your marriage.

It all starts in the
home, you know.

Uh, I'm very happily married.

Only on the surface, Darrin.
Deep down, you're seething.

Bob, y-you've got it all wrong.

Perhaps. But you're certainly
overreacting to my suggestion.

I am not! I am
not. I love my wife.

All right. But let's keep
an open mind, shall we?

Then if we happen to find any little hidden
resentments towards your wife's behavior,

we can bring them
out into the open.

I don't resent her. The
whole suggestion is ridiculous.

I don't think so. It's a typical
American male attitude to be fearful...

of revealing a
wife's domination.

Samantha does not dominate me.

I didn't say she did.

But you applied my general
observation to yourself.

That's because you're
getting me all mixed up.

Now, that's a healthy sign. I think if
we dig a little deeper into your ego,

your marriage, we
can cure your problem.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing's
wrong. Not with you.

You seem to be
a very fine person.

Calm, well-adjusted, one of
the nicest men I've ever met.

I'm the hostile personality
around here. I'm

the one who should
be seeing a psychiatrist.

Where are you going?
To see my psychiatrist.

And if you think I'm expensive,
you should have to go to him!

Sam, what are you doing here? Don't worry,
I got Aunt Hagatha to sit with Tabatha.

How did you know I was here? Never
mind. Larry needs you back at the office.

Honey, I can't go back there.
I'll just cause more trouble.

Oh, Darrin.

It isn't you. It's Mother.

Yes, you see, she put some kind of
spell on people so they dislike you.

I should have known this
was Endora's sandbag!

I'm afraid so.

But you'd better get back to the office.
Mr. Baldwin's coming to see you again.

What good will that do? Baldwin will
still have Endora's whammy on him.

I'll try and find her and
get her to take it off.

But meanwhile, you be
very, very, very nice to him.

Be sweet as pie. Now, hurry up.

Well, Darrin will be pleased that
your attitude toward him has changed.

[Door Opens] Well,
here he is now.

Mr. Baldwin! I can't tell
you how marvelous it is...

to have the pleasure of
your company again, sir!

- Well, thanks.
- It's so very, very, very
nice of you to come back.

Yes, sirree, sir!

Certainly pleased,
all right, isn't he?

Well, Stephens, I felt that I was a
little hasty and abrupt in my judgment...

of you and your
ideas this morning.

Oh, not at all, sir. It was entirely
my fault. You were right, sir.

I should have paid more
attention to your ideas.

Excuse me, is that
lint on your suit, sir?

Oh, that's a beautiful suit, sir.
May I compliment you on your taste?

I guess so.

Well, as I was about to say...

[Exhales] What was I gonna say?

That you liked Stephens's
ideas for Baldwin Blankets.

Yes. Yes!

I particularly like
the slogan that goes:

"For full protection, Baldwin
Blankets keep you covered."

Are you absolutely certain
you like it, Mr. Baldwin?

I'll do anything to make it better.
I'm sure that I can improve it.

No, I like it just
the way it is.

Are you positive, sir?
After all, here at McMann...

Yes, Darrin. He's positive.

Oh, that's wonderful,
Mr. Baldwin!

Won't you have a cigar, sir? They're
the very finest. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

No, thanks. Don't smoke
cigars. That's very wise of you, sir.

Can I do anything else for
you? I'd just like to get on with it.

Good idea, Horace.
You're tired, Mr. Baldwin.

Why don't you sit down here,
sir? This chair is very comfortable.

I don't wanna sit down! I want to get
this meeting over with and go to lunch.

You're hungry! I'll run right
downstairs and get you a sandwich!

Darrin!

Oh. What would you like, sir...
ham, corned beef? How about a club?

Club? Don't tempt me.

I'd be only too happy
to get it for you, sir.

Horace, since you seem
to be in agreement with

the way we're going to
handle this campaign,

why don't we get together
some other time so

you won't be late for your
luncheon appointment.

Larry, a great suggestion.
The account's yours.

Oh, thank you, Horace.
Go ahead without me.

Mr. Baldwin, I'll be looking
forward to our next meeting.

At your convenience, of course,
sir. I like your work, Stephens.

But I don't think we'll
need any more meetings.

Well, we got the account back
again, but you almost lost it.

I was only trying to be likable.

I liked you better when
you were unlikable.

Samantha! Sam!

Hi, sweetheart. Is
something the matter?

This time your
mother's gone too far.

What'd she do now? She took
the spell off, that's what she did!

Well, since when is that
something to complain about?

When she takes the spell off,
and I don't know the spell is off,

and I proceed to make a fool of
myself in front of Larry and Mr. Baldwin,

that's when it's something
to complain about!

I tried to call you, but
your secretary said

you were busy and
couldn't be disturbed.

I was busy... getting myself
nominated as the boob of the year!

But only after I'd won the vote as
the most disliked boob of the year.

It's a cinch I don't have to
worry about my popularity.

Well, I should hope not.

Huh?

Well, not with everything
else you have to worry about.

What "everything else"?

Well, like your charm,
your good looks,

your wonderful personality,
your funny crooked smile,

your great sense of humor,
your warmth and sincerity.

Gee, I didn't know
my smile was crooked.

Darrin. What?

I'm telling you I love you.

And I love you.

Crooked, how?