Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 3, Episode 10 - I'd Rather Twitch Than Fight - full transcript
Darrin and Samantha have a fight over the fact that Samantha gave away his favorite sports jacket, an orange and black checked houndstooth. She gave it away to a thrift store since it was old, torn, outdated, never worn, and what ends up being the biggest bone of contention between the two, ugly in Samantha's opinion. Darrin and Samantha end up speaking to Larry and Louise respectively about the argument, the Tates who give the perspective of their own therapist, Dr. Matthew Kramer. Louise states that the loud jacket represents Darrin's want to look good for her, while Larry states that Samantha's dislike for loud clothing represents Samantha's want to be in a safe, stable marriage. The gifts that Darrin and Samantha get for the other to make up for the fight, each gift based on Larry and Louise's advice, ends up ratcheting the fight up a notch. Only Dr. Kramer may be able to resolve the marital discord. However, Endora, who has disdain for psychiatrists, believes that if one is going to consult a quack, at least consult the most famous of them all.
The babysitter said 10:00,
Louise, but she's usually late,
so why don't we make it 10:30? [Darrin]
Sam, where's my houndstooth sport coat?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Fine, I'll tell him.
Uh-huh. See you later.
My houndstooth sport coat...
Louise and I are going shopping this
morning. Fine. Where's my houndstooth...
Larry's car broke down, so she's
gonna drop him at the office...
and pick me up on the way back.
I'm late for work, and I haven't
got time to listen to an itinerary...
of where you and
Louise are going.
Now, have you seen my
houndstooth sport coat?
Which one is that?
The tweedy one. With
black and orange checks?
The one you hate? Oh, that one.
You don't wear that anymore. I'm
wearing it today, but I can't find it.
To the office? Don't you
think it's a little... noisy?
This may come as a surprise, but I've been
choosing my own clothes for some time now.
Why don't you wear the
brown one? It's much nicer.
Because I want to wear the
houndstooth, and I can't find it!
Now, have you seen it or not?
You're shouting. [Whispering]
Do you know where it is or not?
Um... I, uh, gave it away.
You gave it away?
Well, I, uh...
I was cleaning out your closets and
gave away everything you don't wear.
You gave it away.
Darrin, stop saying
"You gave it away"...
like I just sold your
mother into slavery.
That coat must have
been 10 years old.
Fifteen! That's just the point!
It has tradition and character.
And patches on the sleeves and
moth holes and a tear in the pocket.
Who'd you give it
to? The thrift shop.
Maybe they still have it.
Darrin, that was a month ago.
Darrin? Don't you think
you ought to put on a coat?
You're not wearing one.
Thank you. Hereafter, however,
I would appreciate it if
you didn't touch my clothes.
Oh! Oh!
I know I shouldn't
have lost my temper.
But to give away my houndstooth sport
coat... How could she do such a thing?
Take it easy, Darrin. Relax
and start from the beginning.
Why don't you have a seat?
No, no, not there. On the couch.
It's easier to talk
when you're reclining.
Where did you do
your residency, Doctor?
Now, look, buddy boy, let's
not try to get funny, hmm?
It just so happens I have much more
experience in these matters than you have.
Firstly, I've been
married longer.
And secondly, Louise and I have been
seeing a psychiatrist for several months.
Psychiatrist. So that's how you
come by your couch-side manner.
This is serious. Dr. Kramer's
changed our lives.
And he specializes in
exactly your problem.
I don't have any problem. I just
don't have a houndstooth sport coat.
The coat isn't important.
Not important? That
was my favorite coat.
What matters is that it caused
you and Sam to have a fight.
Now, Dr. Kramer's specialty is
teaching married couples how to fight.
According to Dr. Kramer's theory,
there are three kinds of fights:
the amphigoric, the
semiamphigoric and the centripetal.
That's a great system, Larry.
It'd be impossible to fight...
because nobody knows
what the words mean.
It's really very simple, Darrin.
The amphigoric fight is,
well, silly and irrational...
and, according to Dr. Kramer,
should be avoided entirely.
The semiamphigoric,
well, is your everyday,
garden-variety fight,
which on deeper analysis
can be revealed to be either...
amphigoric proper
or centripetal.
That is significant.
If it falls into the first type, it
should be stopped immediately.
But if it should turn
out to be centripetal,
it should be fought
through to a conclusion.
What type is my
houndstooth sport coat?
To you, it was just...
Just an ugly old
coat, right? Right.
Well, what we
have to determine...
is what did that houndstooth
sport jacket represent to Darrin?
Bad taste?
Too simple! According
to Dr. Kramer,
the way a husband and wife feels
about how his spouse dresses...
shows the condition of
the entire relationship.
How does Darrin
like to see you dress?
Oh, bright colors, chic lines.
Good. Good, good, good.
That means he still thinks of
you romantically... as a lover.
Well, I hope so.
Because if he liked for
you to wear drab clothes...
You know, dull colors
and those sensible shoes...
Well, that would mean he was just
beginning to take you for granted.
That sounds logical.
But what about the
houndstooth jacket?
Why was I wrong
to get rid of it?
Oh, now, that's the
other side of the coin.
To Darrin, that jacket
must have represented...
his desire to be attractive
and alluring to you.
And by giving it away, why, you indicated
you were just taking him for granted.
[Gasps] Oh!
Dr. Kramer doesn't help you solve problems.
He just shows you how to analyze them.
For example, how does
Sam like you to dress?
Well, conservative clothes...
Dark suits, quiet colors.
Exactly. Married clothes.
And you come along with a sport
coat with black and orange checks.
Now, if she really liked that
coat, you'd be in real trouble.
Yeah. Why?
Because it would indicate that she's
not completely satisfied with married life.
That she yearns to be gay,
single and carefree herself.
You see?
Your argument turned out
to be amphigoric after all.
She was just showing you how much
she loved you by giving away that coat.
Larry, I have to admit that Dr. Kramer
seems to really know his stuff.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going
to go out and buy a present at lunch...
to show Sam how wrong I was.
Good idea.
You're showing great
psychological insight.
But remember, Darrin,
when you buy Sam that gift,
a husband's
present to his wife...
expresses exactly
how he feels about her.
I don't know why I let you talk me
out of going back to the thrift shop...
to get Darrin's old coat.
That's the one he loves, and
that's the one he should have.
Will you forget it?
They'd never still have it,
and even if they do, we
want something new. We do?
Uh, perhaps something in a
shetland. They're very good this year.
No, I-I'm sorry.
Old or new, it has
to be houndstooth.
With black and orange checks.
Well, if I may be
permitted, madam,
we haven't carried
houndstooth for many years.
Today's gentleman has grown
a bit more, uh, sophisticated.
This... is for
yesterday's gentleman.
Perhaps if you tried
a costume shop.
Oh, no.
The baron usually gets his
clothes tailored at the chateau.
But being so far
from home, well...
Come, come, Louise.
Well, I guess I'd better go put some
more pennies in the parking meter.
You sure this is it?
Oh, yes. I remember
it quite well.
We dyed it as soon as it
came in. Why did you dye it?
Well, if you're buying
secondhand clothes,
you don't want to stand out
in a crowd like a neon light.
Oh... All right. I'll
take it. How much?
Well, it was your
coat to begin with.
But for the repairs and
the dye, five dollars.
Is that all?
Believe me, it's more than
we ever expected to get.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yech.
This is ever so chic.
Sophia Loren wears one...
very much like it
in her latest picture.
Was she married or
single in the picture?
When she wore it she was single,
but she got married right after.
Let me show it to you in
hot pink. It's a knockout.
[Larry's Voice] Just remember:
When you buy that gift for Sam,
a husband's present to
his wife expresses exactly...
what he feels about her.
But be careful. In Sam's mind,
sensible, conservative clothes
equal happiness and security.
Frilly clothes and exotic
colors equal jealousy...
and dissatisfaction
with married life.
Remember the
houndstooth sport coat.
In hot pink it
absolutely exudes...
romance, gaiety, mystery.
Have you got anything that exudes
a little less gaiety and mystery...
and a little more
security and contentment?
But sir, you asked to see
negligees, not flannel pajamas.
Maybe a bathrobe
instead of a negligee.
Something comfortable.
Something like this, perhaps?
Well, uh, would you say that
was a married woman's robe?
Oh, yes. Definitely
married. With children.
Perfect! Wrap it up.
Sam, about this morning, I
wanted you to know that...
Well, I, uh... I brought
you a little present.
Oh, isn't that a coincidence?
It just so happens I got a
little something for you too.
Oh, you shouldn't have
done that. It was my fault.
Oh, now, shh.
Just open it. Okay.
Oh, I love to get
presents. So do I.
My houndstooth sport jacket.
Oh, Darrin! It's... lovely.
It was, um, very
considerate of you...
to get this for me when I
know how much you hate it.
Oh, I don't hate it. I love it.
I just thought I hated it.
Now I know it's just the kind
of thing I want you to wear.
Um, aren't you gonna
try on your robe?
No.
No, I think I'll wait a
couple of decades.
But, sweetheart, I went to a great
deal of trouble to find a present...
that would express exactly
how I feel about our marriage.
And you bought me a prison gown!
Oh!
And what does this express?
I'll tell you what this expresses!
A woman who is
disappointed in married life,
a woman who wishes she was
gay, carefree and single again!
Darrin, I'll have you know...
that I spent almost the whole
day looking for a coat like that.
Then I went back to the
thrift shop. They'd dyed it,
and I had to twitch it back because
I knew how much you wanted it.
You twitched it back!
That's more proof!
More proof of what? That
you wish you were single again.
That's ridiculous. I thought you
honestly wished to give up witchcraft.
I really did. I thought you
wanted to be a normal housewife.
Well, this shows
me how wrong I was.
You really wish that you were a
single, carefree, full-time witch again!
Well, I'd rather be a
witch than a convict.
[Sputtering] Well,
that settles it.
There's nothing more to discuss.
Darrin?
Don't you dare walk out on me!
You see? You see? Every time you
have a problem that you can't handle,
or you get excited,
you resort to witchcraft.
Well, you know what that
means psychologically.
Well, there's nothing I can
do about it, so just go ahead.
I am only human.
[Moaning, Muttering]
Don't twitch.
Do-Don't twitch!
No, don't twitch!
Darrin? [Muttering]
Please don't twitch.
Darrin! No! No! Wait!
It's okay, old buddy.
I'm not twitching.
Oh, uh, hi, Larry.
You been here all
night? [Low Whistle]
Oh, was I wrong.
Was I ever wrong!
Sam and I had one of the
worst fights we ever had.
Wow. You two certainly aren't ready
to handle a centripetal kind of fight.
Darrin, you need expert advice.
Oh, Larry... Uh, no, Larry.
As of now, the
doctor-patient relationship...
between you and
me is definitely over.
Not me. Dr. Kramer.
Let me call him and arrange
for you and Sam to see him.
She'd never agree, Larry.
She won't even talk to me,
much less a psychiatrist.
Well, okay. I'll tell you what. I'll have
him come over here and pick you up.
Then you can both go over
to your place and see Sam.
A doctor who makes house calls?
He sounds a little old-fashioned to me.
Don't worry. You'll
love him. He's a wizard.
[Dialing Phone]
Wizards I don't need.
He bought you this?
Oh! That's just like Duncan.
You get Tabatha ready,
and I'll pack your things.
You certainly are not going to
stay one minute longer in a house...
with a man who bought
that as a present for his wife.
Mother, I'm not leaving just because
we had a fight, so you can forget it.
Think I ought to call him
at the office and apologize?
Certainly not! Not even
mortal housewives do that.
Louise! Louise Tate!
I'm gonna call Louise and get
the name of that psychiatrist.
He's the one that started the
whole thing in the first place.
Psychiatrist?
Oh, Samantha, you wouldn't!
They're anti-witch!
What's so special about
that? So's everybody.
Yes, but they work at it.
They think we're figments
of people's imagination.
[Tabatha] Mommy. Oh,
dear. There's Tabatha.
Would you see if she's all right
while I make the phone call?
Yes, hello, darling.
How's Grandmama's
little witchlet, huh?
I'll wager you're hungry.
Grandmama's going to get you a bottle.
There. Use your
own power, Tabatha.
Mama isn't here.
There! That's a girl!
That's a girl!
Oh, you were hungry.
Oh, a psychiatrist!
My own daughter!
Where did I go wrong?
Well, I always say, if you need
a professional, get the best.
Libido, superego, id,
do for me just what I bid.
Dr. Freud, I presume.
How do you do?
Won't you please
step into my off... off...
Madame, these surroundings
are unfamiliar to me.
Can you please tell me
where I am und how I got here?
For your own peace of mind,
Dr. Freud, don't try to analyze it.
But this is not my office.
And I am not your
patient. It's my daughter.
Ah. Little girl.
Madame, you are very wise.
For the first time, someone
has called me in time.
This is my granddaughter.
My daughter is downstairs.
Follow me.
Samantha, you can
forget about that quack.
I have the real McCoy.
D-Do I have to lie
down? I feel silly.
Well, it's customary, but if you
prefer, you may remain upright.
Oh, thank you. Quit stalling,
Samantha. Tell Dr. Freud your problem.
Madam, if you interfere, I
shall have to ask you to leave.
Your daughter will
talk when she's ready.
Well, I'm a witch.
Mm-hmm. Go on.
Don't you think that's strange?
Do you?
No. That's because I am one.
How long have you been a
witch? Ever since I was born.
I didn't know about it until I
was a year old. Right, Mother?
Nine months. You
were very precocious.
B-But that's not my problem.
You think you are a witch, but
that is not your problem, huh?
No, it's my husband.
- Is he a witch too?
- No, he's a mortal,
like everyone else.
- That's his problem.
- Please.
You see, it all started when
Darrin... that's my husband...
Got mad because I gave
away his favorite sport jacket.
That one.
That is your husband's favorite
sport coat? Unbelievable, isn't it?
A friend of mine told
me that that jacket...
represented Darrin's desire to
be attractive and alluring to me,
and that I shouldn't
have given it away.
Anyone who finds that jacket...
attractive and
alluring to anyone...
is showing symptoms of a
severely disorganized mind.
Well, if it doesn't mean
that, what does it represent?
Bad taste.
I could've told her that.
Madam, if your daughter wishes to
tell me why she thinks she is a witch,
then we will have to
go into her dreams,
her childhood frustrations,
her relations with her mother.
Mother's a witch too.
Yeah. Well...
That would be significant.
Because it's not a
psychological problem.
Witch or not, you appear
to be a sensible woman.
Sensible women do not
fight with their husbands...
because the husband is partial
to disagreeable sport coats.
That is silly.
In the future, when you fight,
fight about important things.
Then you will not
have to call upon me.
You sure you're a psychiatrist?
You'll receive my
bill in a few days.
He's a psychiatrist.
Uh, Darrin!
Where have you been?
Uh, Sam, this is
Dr. Matthew Kramer.
I thought that he might help us.
How do you do? Mrs. Stephens.
Is that yours?
Yes, it is, but, uh...
Why, it's beautiful!
Where did you get it?
I've been looking for a houndstooth
sport jacket like this for years!
You see, it is not necessarily
a psychiatric symptom.
There are many
people with bad taste.
Bad taste?
This is a classic
sport jacket, and I...
I don't believe I've met you.
My name is Dr. Sigmund...
Sigmund! Dr. Sigmund.
Well, Dr. Sigmund, what right do you
have to suggest that I have bad taste?
I did not suggest. I
merely stated a fact.
That is the ugliest
sport coat I've ever seen.
And in addition, Doctor,
you broke in on my patient.
Broke in on your...
Mr. Stephens, why didn't you tell
me you had consulted another doctor?
I, uh... I didn't know.
Is this what you call
professional ethics?
Don't you lecture me
on professional ethics!
I'll have you know
that I've been a
practicing psychiatrist
for a good many years.
Oh, yes, Doctor? Well,
I was a psychiatrist...
before there were psychiatrists!
I'll bet you were...
Phony accent and all!
This looks like it's
going to be interesting.
How dare you insult my
accent, you-you upstart!
Doctor, please, please! Upstart?
Dr. Sigmund, I want
to tell you something.
Guys like you give me a pain,
with your beards and
your old-world manners.
I think you've all
got father fixations.
Father fixations? Yes!
You take that back! You make me!
Oh, now, doctors,
this is just a-a silly...
uh, a-amphigoric argument.
- You're not really
going to fight?
- [Dr. Kramer] Aha!
Hold these. There isn't
supposed to be any violence.
You're supposed to watch out
for each other's vulnerable areas.
I'll watch out for it! I think
this guy's got a glass jaw!
Sam, do something.
What can I do?
You might consider
moving the furniture, darling.
Quick, before they hurt
each other! You mean it?
I'll father fixation you.
It's guys like you who give
the rest of us a bad name!
Don't argue with me,
honey! Do it! All right, all right.
Mother, I'll take the big one.
Don't forget to make him forget.
Where did he go? Sorry, Doctor.
Back to the unconscious.
Sam, I have to apologize.
Darrin, I really feel so bad.
Oh, if you're going to kiss
and make up, I'm going to leave.
It's nauseating.
Darrin? What?
I have an idea. What?
Let's kiss and make up.
Say, how did he get...
Darrin? Yeah?
Close your eyes.
What for? Go on. Close 'em.
[Chuckles] Okay.
Closed? Mmm-hmm.
Can't see a thing.
All right. Now, stand
up. With my eyes closed?
Mmm-hmm. Come here. Well, okay.
Keep 'em closed, now. Yeah.
Put your arms behind you.
Now, other arm. Mm-hmm.
Don't peek. I'm not.
There. Okay?
Mm-hmm.
Hey. Hey, this is
something else!
Where did you get it?
I, uh, exchanged the
houndstooth jacket for it.
Honey, you couldn't
have exchanged it. You...
Now, why did...
I exchanged the bathrobe too.
What were you gonna say?
I forgot.
Louise, but she's usually late,
so why don't we make it 10:30? [Darrin]
Sam, where's my houndstooth sport coat?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Fine, I'll tell him.
Uh-huh. See you later.
My houndstooth sport coat...
Louise and I are going shopping this
morning. Fine. Where's my houndstooth...
Larry's car broke down, so she's
gonna drop him at the office...
and pick me up on the way back.
I'm late for work, and I haven't
got time to listen to an itinerary...
of where you and
Louise are going.
Now, have you seen my
houndstooth sport coat?
Which one is that?
The tweedy one. With
black and orange checks?
The one you hate? Oh, that one.
You don't wear that anymore. I'm
wearing it today, but I can't find it.
To the office? Don't you
think it's a little... noisy?
This may come as a surprise, but I've been
choosing my own clothes for some time now.
Why don't you wear the
brown one? It's much nicer.
Because I want to wear the
houndstooth, and I can't find it!
Now, have you seen it or not?
You're shouting. [Whispering]
Do you know where it is or not?
Um... I, uh, gave it away.
You gave it away?
Well, I, uh...
I was cleaning out your closets and
gave away everything you don't wear.
You gave it away.
Darrin, stop saying
"You gave it away"...
like I just sold your
mother into slavery.
That coat must have
been 10 years old.
Fifteen! That's just the point!
It has tradition and character.
And patches on the sleeves and
moth holes and a tear in the pocket.
Who'd you give it
to? The thrift shop.
Maybe they still have it.
Darrin, that was a month ago.
Darrin? Don't you think
you ought to put on a coat?
You're not wearing one.
Thank you. Hereafter, however,
I would appreciate it if
you didn't touch my clothes.
Oh! Oh!
I know I shouldn't
have lost my temper.
But to give away my houndstooth sport
coat... How could she do such a thing?
Take it easy, Darrin. Relax
and start from the beginning.
Why don't you have a seat?
No, no, not there. On the couch.
It's easier to talk
when you're reclining.
Where did you do
your residency, Doctor?
Now, look, buddy boy, let's
not try to get funny, hmm?
It just so happens I have much more
experience in these matters than you have.
Firstly, I've been
married longer.
And secondly, Louise and I have been
seeing a psychiatrist for several months.
Psychiatrist. So that's how you
come by your couch-side manner.
This is serious. Dr. Kramer's
changed our lives.
And he specializes in
exactly your problem.
I don't have any problem. I just
don't have a houndstooth sport coat.
The coat isn't important.
Not important? That
was my favorite coat.
What matters is that it caused
you and Sam to have a fight.
Now, Dr. Kramer's specialty is
teaching married couples how to fight.
According to Dr. Kramer's theory,
there are three kinds of fights:
the amphigoric, the
semiamphigoric and the centripetal.
That's a great system, Larry.
It'd be impossible to fight...
because nobody knows
what the words mean.
It's really very simple, Darrin.
The amphigoric fight is,
well, silly and irrational...
and, according to Dr. Kramer,
should be avoided entirely.
The semiamphigoric,
well, is your everyday,
garden-variety fight,
which on deeper analysis
can be revealed to be either...
amphigoric proper
or centripetal.
That is significant.
If it falls into the first type, it
should be stopped immediately.
But if it should turn
out to be centripetal,
it should be fought
through to a conclusion.
What type is my
houndstooth sport coat?
To you, it was just...
Just an ugly old
coat, right? Right.
Well, what we
have to determine...
is what did that houndstooth
sport jacket represent to Darrin?
Bad taste?
Too simple! According
to Dr. Kramer,
the way a husband and wife feels
about how his spouse dresses...
shows the condition of
the entire relationship.
How does Darrin
like to see you dress?
Oh, bright colors, chic lines.
Good. Good, good, good.
That means he still thinks of
you romantically... as a lover.
Well, I hope so.
Because if he liked for
you to wear drab clothes...
You know, dull colors
and those sensible shoes...
Well, that would mean he was just
beginning to take you for granted.
That sounds logical.
But what about the
houndstooth jacket?
Why was I wrong
to get rid of it?
Oh, now, that's the
other side of the coin.
To Darrin, that jacket
must have represented...
his desire to be attractive
and alluring to you.
And by giving it away, why, you indicated
you were just taking him for granted.
[Gasps] Oh!
Dr. Kramer doesn't help you solve problems.
He just shows you how to analyze them.
For example, how does
Sam like you to dress?
Well, conservative clothes...
Dark suits, quiet colors.
Exactly. Married clothes.
And you come along with a sport
coat with black and orange checks.
Now, if she really liked that
coat, you'd be in real trouble.
Yeah. Why?
Because it would indicate that she's
not completely satisfied with married life.
That she yearns to be gay,
single and carefree herself.
You see?
Your argument turned out
to be amphigoric after all.
She was just showing you how much
she loved you by giving away that coat.
Larry, I have to admit that Dr. Kramer
seems to really know his stuff.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going
to go out and buy a present at lunch...
to show Sam how wrong I was.
Good idea.
You're showing great
psychological insight.
But remember, Darrin,
when you buy Sam that gift,
a husband's
present to his wife...
expresses exactly
how he feels about her.
I don't know why I let you talk me
out of going back to the thrift shop...
to get Darrin's old coat.
That's the one he loves, and
that's the one he should have.
Will you forget it?
They'd never still have it,
and even if they do, we
want something new. We do?
Uh, perhaps something in a
shetland. They're very good this year.
No, I-I'm sorry.
Old or new, it has
to be houndstooth.
With black and orange checks.
Well, if I may be
permitted, madam,
we haven't carried
houndstooth for many years.
Today's gentleman has grown
a bit more, uh, sophisticated.
This... is for
yesterday's gentleman.
Perhaps if you tried
a costume shop.
Oh, no.
The baron usually gets his
clothes tailored at the chateau.
But being so far
from home, well...
Come, come, Louise.
Well, I guess I'd better go put some
more pennies in the parking meter.
You sure this is it?
Oh, yes. I remember
it quite well.
We dyed it as soon as it
came in. Why did you dye it?
Well, if you're buying
secondhand clothes,
you don't want to stand out
in a crowd like a neon light.
Oh... All right. I'll
take it. How much?
Well, it was your
coat to begin with.
But for the repairs and
the dye, five dollars.
Is that all?
Believe me, it's more than
we ever expected to get.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yech.
This is ever so chic.
Sophia Loren wears one...
very much like it
in her latest picture.
Was she married or
single in the picture?
When she wore it she was single,
but she got married right after.
Let me show it to you in
hot pink. It's a knockout.
[Larry's Voice] Just remember:
When you buy that gift for Sam,
a husband's present to
his wife expresses exactly...
what he feels about her.
But be careful. In Sam's mind,
sensible, conservative clothes
equal happiness and security.
Frilly clothes and exotic
colors equal jealousy...
and dissatisfaction
with married life.
Remember the
houndstooth sport coat.
In hot pink it
absolutely exudes...
romance, gaiety, mystery.
Have you got anything that exudes
a little less gaiety and mystery...
and a little more
security and contentment?
But sir, you asked to see
negligees, not flannel pajamas.
Maybe a bathrobe
instead of a negligee.
Something comfortable.
Something like this, perhaps?
Well, uh, would you say that
was a married woman's robe?
Oh, yes. Definitely
married. With children.
Perfect! Wrap it up.
Sam, about this morning, I
wanted you to know that...
Well, I, uh... I brought
you a little present.
Oh, isn't that a coincidence?
It just so happens I got a
little something for you too.
Oh, you shouldn't have
done that. It was my fault.
Oh, now, shh.
Just open it. Okay.
Oh, I love to get
presents. So do I.
My houndstooth sport jacket.
Oh, Darrin! It's... lovely.
It was, um, very
considerate of you...
to get this for me when I
know how much you hate it.
Oh, I don't hate it. I love it.
I just thought I hated it.
Now I know it's just the kind
of thing I want you to wear.
Um, aren't you gonna
try on your robe?
No.
No, I think I'll wait a
couple of decades.
But, sweetheart, I went to a great
deal of trouble to find a present...
that would express exactly
how I feel about our marriage.
And you bought me a prison gown!
Oh!
And what does this express?
I'll tell you what this expresses!
A woman who is
disappointed in married life,
a woman who wishes she was
gay, carefree and single again!
Darrin, I'll have you know...
that I spent almost the whole
day looking for a coat like that.
Then I went back to the
thrift shop. They'd dyed it,
and I had to twitch it back because
I knew how much you wanted it.
You twitched it back!
That's more proof!
More proof of what? That
you wish you were single again.
That's ridiculous. I thought you
honestly wished to give up witchcraft.
I really did. I thought you
wanted to be a normal housewife.
Well, this shows
me how wrong I was.
You really wish that you were a
single, carefree, full-time witch again!
Well, I'd rather be a
witch than a convict.
[Sputtering] Well,
that settles it.
There's nothing more to discuss.
Darrin?
Don't you dare walk out on me!
You see? You see? Every time you
have a problem that you can't handle,
or you get excited,
you resort to witchcraft.
Well, you know what that
means psychologically.
Well, there's nothing I can
do about it, so just go ahead.
I am only human.
[Moaning, Muttering]
Don't twitch.
Do-Don't twitch!
No, don't twitch!
Darrin? [Muttering]
Please don't twitch.
Darrin! No! No! Wait!
It's okay, old buddy.
I'm not twitching.
Oh, uh, hi, Larry.
You been here all
night? [Low Whistle]
Oh, was I wrong.
Was I ever wrong!
Sam and I had one of the
worst fights we ever had.
Wow. You two certainly aren't ready
to handle a centripetal kind of fight.
Darrin, you need expert advice.
Oh, Larry... Uh, no, Larry.
As of now, the
doctor-patient relationship...
between you and
me is definitely over.
Not me. Dr. Kramer.
Let me call him and arrange
for you and Sam to see him.
She'd never agree, Larry.
She won't even talk to me,
much less a psychiatrist.
Well, okay. I'll tell you what. I'll have
him come over here and pick you up.
Then you can both go over
to your place and see Sam.
A doctor who makes house calls?
He sounds a little old-fashioned to me.
Don't worry. You'll
love him. He's a wizard.
[Dialing Phone]
Wizards I don't need.
He bought you this?
Oh! That's just like Duncan.
You get Tabatha ready,
and I'll pack your things.
You certainly are not going to
stay one minute longer in a house...
with a man who bought
that as a present for his wife.
Mother, I'm not leaving just because
we had a fight, so you can forget it.
Think I ought to call him
at the office and apologize?
Certainly not! Not even
mortal housewives do that.
Louise! Louise Tate!
I'm gonna call Louise and get
the name of that psychiatrist.
He's the one that started the
whole thing in the first place.
Psychiatrist?
Oh, Samantha, you wouldn't!
They're anti-witch!
What's so special about
that? So's everybody.
Yes, but they work at it.
They think we're figments
of people's imagination.
[Tabatha] Mommy. Oh,
dear. There's Tabatha.
Would you see if she's all right
while I make the phone call?
Yes, hello, darling.
How's Grandmama's
little witchlet, huh?
I'll wager you're hungry.
Grandmama's going to get you a bottle.
There. Use your
own power, Tabatha.
Mama isn't here.
There! That's a girl!
That's a girl!
Oh, you were hungry.
Oh, a psychiatrist!
My own daughter!
Where did I go wrong?
Well, I always say, if you need
a professional, get the best.
Libido, superego, id,
do for me just what I bid.
Dr. Freud, I presume.
How do you do?
Won't you please
step into my off... off...
Madame, these surroundings
are unfamiliar to me.
Can you please tell me
where I am und how I got here?
For your own peace of mind,
Dr. Freud, don't try to analyze it.
But this is not my office.
And I am not your
patient. It's my daughter.
Ah. Little girl.
Madame, you are very wise.
For the first time, someone
has called me in time.
This is my granddaughter.
My daughter is downstairs.
Follow me.
Samantha, you can
forget about that quack.
I have the real McCoy.
D-Do I have to lie
down? I feel silly.
Well, it's customary, but if you
prefer, you may remain upright.
Oh, thank you. Quit stalling,
Samantha. Tell Dr. Freud your problem.
Madam, if you interfere, I
shall have to ask you to leave.
Your daughter will
talk when she's ready.
Well, I'm a witch.
Mm-hmm. Go on.
Don't you think that's strange?
Do you?
No. That's because I am one.
How long have you been a
witch? Ever since I was born.
I didn't know about it until I
was a year old. Right, Mother?
Nine months. You
were very precocious.
B-But that's not my problem.
You think you are a witch, but
that is not your problem, huh?
No, it's my husband.
- Is he a witch too?
- No, he's a mortal,
like everyone else.
- That's his problem.
- Please.
You see, it all started when
Darrin... that's my husband...
Got mad because I gave
away his favorite sport jacket.
That one.
That is your husband's favorite
sport coat? Unbelievable, isn't it?
A friend of mine told
me that that jacket...
represented Darrin's desire to
be attractive and alluring to me,
and that I shouldn't
have given it away.
Anyone who finds that jacket...
attractive and
alluring to anyone...
is showing symptoms of a
severely disorganized mind.
Well, if it doesn't mean
that, what does it represent?
Bad taste.
I could've told her that.
Madam, if your daughter wishes to
tell me why she thinks she is a witch,
then we will have to
go into her dreams,
her childhood frustrations,
her relations with her mother.
Mother's a witch too.
Yeah. Well...
That would be significant.
Because it's not a
psychological problem.
Witch or not, you appear
to be a sensible woman.
Sensible women do not
fight with their husbands...
because the husband is partial
to disagreeable sport coats.
That is silly.
In the future, when you fight,
fight about important things.
Then you will not
have to call upon me.
You sure you're a psychiatrist?
You'll receive my
bill in a few days.
He's a psychiatrist.
Uh, Darrin!
Where have you been?
Uh, Sam, this is
Dr. Matthew Kramer.
I thought that he might help us.
How do you do? Mrs. Stephens.
Is that yours?
Yes, it is, but, uh...
Why, it's beautiful!
Where did you get it?
I've been looking for a houndstooth
sport jacket like this for years!
You see, it is not necessarily
a psychiatric symptom.
There are many
people with bad taste.
Bad taste?
This is a classic
sport jacket, and I...
I don't believe I've met you.
My name is Dr. Sigmund...
Sigmund! Dr. Sigmund.
Well, Dr. Sigmund, what right do you
have to suggest that I have bad taste?
I did not suggest. I
merely stated a fact.
That is the ugliest
sport coat I've ever seen.
And in addition, Doctor,
you broke in on my patient.
Broke in on your...
Mr. Stephens, why didn't you tell
me you had consulted another doctor?
I, uh... I didn't know.
Is this what you call
professional ethics?
Don't you lecture me
on professional ethics!
I'll have you know
that I've been a
practicing psychiatrist
for a good many years.
Oh, yes, Doctor? Well,
I was a psychiatrist...
before there were psychiatrists!
I'll bet you were...
Phony accent and all!
This looks like it's
going to be interesting.
How dare you insult my
accent, you-you upstart!
Doctor, please, please! Upstart?
Dr. Sigmund, I want
to tell you something.
Guys like you give me a pain,
with your beards and
your old-world manners.
I think you've all
got father fixations.
Father fixations? Yes!
You take that back! You make me!
Oh, now, doctors,
this is just a-a silly...
uh, a-amphigoric argument.
- You're not really
going to fight?
- [Dr. Kramer] Aha!
Hold these. There isn't
supposed to be any violence.
You're supposed to watch out
for each other's vulnerable areas.
I'll watch out for it! I think
this guy's got a glass jaw!
Sam, do something.
What can I do?
You might consider
moving the furniture, darling.
Quick, before they hurt
each other! You mean it?
I'll father fixation you.
It's guys like you who give
the rest of us a bad name!
Don't argue with me,
honey! Do it! All right, all right.
Mother, I'll take the big one.
Don't forget to make him forget.
Where did he go? Sorry, Doctor.
Back to the unconscious.
Sam, I have to apologize.
Darrin, I really feel so bad.
Oh, if you're going to kiss
and make up, I'm going to leave.
It's nauseating.
Darrin? What?
I have an idea. What?
Let's kiss and make up.
Say, how did he get...
Darrin? Yeah?
Close your eyes.
What for? Go on. Close 'em.
[Chuckles] Okay.
Closed? Mmm-hmm.
Can't see a thing.
All right. Now, stand
up. With my eyes closed?
Mmm-hmm. Come here. Well, okay.
Keep 'em closed, now. Yeah.
Put your arms behind you.
Now, other arm. Mm-hmm.
Don't peek. I'm not.
There. Okay?
Mm-hmm.
Hey. Hey, this is
something else!
Where did you get it?
I, uh, exchanged the
houndstooth jacket for it.
Honey, you couldn't
have exchanged it. You...
Now, why did...
I exchanged the bathrobe too.
What were you gonna say?
I forgot.