Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Very Informal Dress - full transcript

Honey, I'm home.

- Oh, Darrin.
- Aunt Clara.

- So nice to see you.
- It's nice to see you.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, honey.

What you got there?

Twenty-four jars
of concentrated health...

compliments of Mother Jenny.
What's she doing here?

Aunt Clara, would you excuse us
for a minute?

Why, of course. Of course.

- Sam, may I speak to you?
- When?

Now.



Be back in a minute.

I'll be glad to get rid
of these heavy boxes.

I wish I never heard of
Mother Jenny's Jam.

- Who's Mother Jenny?
- His name is Charles Barlow...

and these are samples
of the jam he makes.

Very healthy.

I can see how carrying
all this weight around...

could make you healthy. What do
we have to do for all this goodness?

I'm glad you asked.

Mr. Barlow has to leave
early tomorrow morning...

so Larry's having a cocktail party
for him at the office today.

Oh, no. If you'd only told me earlier.
I haven't a thing to wear.

How about that dress you wore
at the last office affair?

I wore that to the last office affair.



How about the green one?

I wore that at the other office party
before that.

Oh, dear.

Darrin, it's just that you've given
me so little warning.

I don't know what the other women
are wearing. How dressy is it?

What do you usually wear
to a jam session?

Okay. I'll wear my blue jeans
and my Beethoven sweatshirt.

Ring a-ding a-do

Well! Oh, Clara,
you're out of your slump.

Well, I mean...

May I make a suggestion?

Aunt Clara! Did you make that?

Oh, not really. This is just
a little something I whipped up.

Well, it's lovely. Isn't it, Darrin?

Sam, I'm not sure
that you should wear...

- It's a gift.
- Did I do something wrong?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

Well, you have a very funny look
on your face.

Well, it's just that with Sam
wearing such a beautiful dress...

I'm afraid that I'll look
a little seedy.

Well, while I'm in the groove,
let me whip up something for you.

Skat, skin a cat

Well, do you like it?

It's very nice, Aunt Clara.
Thank you very much.

Does it fit?

Alterations included, you know.

Oh, it fits like a suit.

I'm sure Mr. Barlow
will be very impressed.

As long as it's a family affair, do you
suppose Aunt Clara could come too?

Oh, no, dear.

- Oh, no. Now, I couldn't intrude.
- As a matter of fact...

this is just the chance we've
been looking for to show you off.

Oh, how nice.

The only empty space in two blocks,
and there's a fire hydrant.

Oh, is that bad?

It would be a lot easier to park
if it weren't there.

Well, then, why not?

Honey, you better tell Aunt Clara
the law doesn't like you to move...

Oh, it worked the very first time.

Oh, Clara, you're
on a winning streak.

Don't tell me, mister.
Let me guess your hobby.

- You collect parking tickets, right?
- I beg your pardon?

Maybe you need glasses.
You're parked in front of a hydrant.

- What hydrant?
- Okay.

What do you call that thing
over there on the sidewalk?

"That thing" happens to be my wife.

No, no. The other thing.

That happens to be my aunt.

Her favourite aunt.

Look, I've been on this beat
for three years...

and I know the position of
every hydrant in this area, so...

It's over there.

I'm sorry, folks.
I've had a rough day.

Well, we all have our problems.

Ladies.

I just thought of something.

That car parked in front of the hydrant
will get the ticket intended for us.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that
too much if I were you.

Why not?

It belongs
to the police commissioner.

Very smart move, bringing your aunt.

Barlow seems to like family.
Good thinking.

Yes, Aunt Clara does have
a certain Victorian charm.

Judging from the jam, Barlow
dates back to the Inquisition.

Sorry.

Afterwards, why don't
you two and Clara...

have dinner with Louise and me?

- Fine.
- Well, that's lovely, Larry.

Well, here's to the Mother Jenny.

What was that?

"Guess who's" vegetable punch.

Barlow refers to it as "liquid health."

Larry, Darrin...

you're not going to help him
sell this stuff...

to an unsuspecting public,
are you?

- We're considering it.
- We're considering it.

Let me know when you've come
to a decision so I can decide...

whether I want to associate
with either of you.

I'll go check on Aunt Clara.

Well, the charming
Mrs. Stephens again.

That is a lovely dress
you're wearing.

Thank you, Mr. Barlow.

It's an original.

Yes. Aunt Clara dreamed it up
for me.

Your aunt and I have been
having quite an interesting talk.

It seems she doesn't like my jam.

Oh, I'm sure she does.

Well, I like the jar.

And I think the label
is very attractive.

But when you open it,
it's a matter of taste, isn't it?

And it doesn't have any.

She's such a kidder.

Aunt Clara, you haven't tasted
Mr. Barlow's punch yet.

- It's quite an experience.
- Oh, I should like that.

I hate to put a damper on the party,
but I'll have to leave pretty soon.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Barlow.
We hate to lose the life of the party.

Well, that's the way it is.

Perhaps someone could
drop me off at the hotel.

Oh, I'm sure the Stephens
would be glad to.

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

Oh, there's Louise.
Excuse me a moment.

You catching an early plane,
Mr. Barlow?

No. It's not that.

You see, Mrs. Stephens, I've been
a student of health in all its aspects.

Yes, I know.

And I've come to some
important conclusions.

One, pure nutritious foods.

Two, early sleep is the best sleep.

Three, naturally, the earlier you
get to sleep, the better it is.

Aunt Clara.

Four, pure nutritious foods.

She is a dear. She wants us
to have a good time, you know.

You know, some people have been
flattering enough to compare me...

with Louis Pasteur and
Bernarr Macfadden.

But of course, that's
for history to decide.

I consider myself just a humble
worker in the vineyard of health.

As is see it...

How do you see it, Mr. Barlow?

Well, weren't you wearing
another kind of dress?

- Pardon?
- Well, I could have sworn...

But of course I never swear.

I thought it was green, not red.

Well, it's reddish green.

You know how these synthetics are.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Would you excuse me, please?

I think I'm much tireder
than I thought.

Aunt Clara!

- A red dress?
- Oh, well, why not?

You could have come closer
to the original.

You'll be conspicuous.

I could have been
a lot more conspicuous.

Oh, my dress didn't hold up.

It started doing a striptease.

That fire hydrant's liable
to get homesick any minute.

- You better go and move the car.
- Right.

Darrin, Mr. Barlow is tired
and ready to leave.

- Can you drop him off at his hotel?
- Fine, fine. Let's go, Mr. Barlow.

And I'll take Samantha
and Aunt Clara...

and you join us at the house.

No, I think I better let
Darrin drop me off.

I've had a little too much
of that punch.

And I'm feeling...

I'm feeling rather healthy.

Come along.
I'll take you home...

as soon as we drop
Mr. Barlow at his hotel.

Here you are, Mr. Barlow.

Stephens, do you usually park
by a fire hydrant?

It really is my fault...

the car being parked
by the hydrant.

Come along, Aunt Clara.

Aunt Clara.

- Stephens?
- Yes.

Do you feel a draft?

Oh, Clara, what hast thou wrought?

Aunt Clara.

I'm working on it.

I'm... I'm working on it.

Hey, you!

That's the blue gentleman again.

You do collect tickets,
don't you, sir?

Hey, buddy. Come out here
where I can see you.

Don't play hide-and-seek with me.

Why don't you put the ticket on the
windshield? I have to check the tires.

What's going on here?

Aunt Clara, do something!

Aunt Clara, do something, please!

That was a neat trick, Mac,
but you had the wrong audience.

Oh, I've got a long list for you.

Resisting arrest...

impersonating an officer.

Me?

What is this craziness?

I suppose you know
there's a law against this.

I'm gonna throw the book at you.

I don't know these people.
I never saw them before in my life.

I had nothing to do with this.

Oh, yeah? Why were you running?

I was trying to help you catch him.

He's right, officer. Mr. Barlow
didn't have anything to do with this.

Stephens, you and your aunt...

just aren't
Mother Jenny's Jam people.

Good work, officer.

Taxi! Taxi!

Aunt Clara, you better tell
Sam what happened.

Yes.

All right, officer, I'll go quietly.

Well, it's the last time I'll be
a back-seat driver, I'll tell you now.

Hey, Montague.
I got company for you.

Tell him to leave his card.
I'll call him later.

You both have an appointment
with Judge Crosetti in the morning.

Kind of informal, aren't you?

Well, the way it happened was...

Oh, forget it.

One thing I can't stand
is a sneaky drunk.

Now just a minute. All I had to drink
was some vegetable punch.

Yeah, sure. Vegetable punch,
fruit juice, cough medicine.

That's the trouble with you boozers,
you can't face up to reality.

You live in a dream world.

You see everything
through an alcoholic haze.

You can't face up to things
the way they really are:

Miserable.

Could you save all the philosophical
advice until the morning?

Sam, will you stop worrying?

He probably got caught
in cross-town traffic, that's all.

I don't know.

I have a strange feeling
something's happened.

Intuition?

You could call it that.

I've never put much stock
in women's intuition.

Well, that depends on the woman.

Larry, would you mind making
my excuses to Louise?

- Well, Sam, at least let me drive you.
- No, thanks, Larry, but I've gotta fly.

Oh, Clara, you did it.

Oh, my poor Darrin.

I wonder who that
charming gentleman is with him.

What you lushes need is to develop
a sense of social responsibility.

Yeah.

Then, and only then...

will you be able to face life
directly in the eye...

and march bravely forward.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Take your hands off me or put
some clothes on, one or the other.

Darrin will freeze to death if
I don't get some clothes on him.

Help! Help! Bartender!

I mean, jailer!

Aunt Clara, you blew it again.

Oh, it's a shame men don't dress
like that nowadays.

Turnkey! Warden!

All right, Montague, knock it off.

Help. Get me out of here!

Could you arrange for me
to have a single room?

He had on tights and a plume
in his hat and a big sword.

One's not enough.
Now I got two of them.

My advice to you both
is to get some sleep.

Help! Look at him now.
He's got a tin suit on.

Okay, I'll be right back
with a can opener.

Angels and ministers of grace,
protect me.

And everything went all flooey.

People running around
without their clothes.

Oh, terrible, dear.

Well, I'm so glad you've come, dear.
Look.

Oh, poor Darrin.
Well, at least he's all right.

Hey, nutsy. Do it again.

You know something,
that's a pretty good bar trick.

I could get a lot of free drinks
with that.

- How do you do it?
- All you have to do...

is snap your fingers.

Just snap your fingers.

Yeah?

Yes, I tried, dear. I tried.

But I don't seem to be able
to have the same old zing as usual.

Well, I'll tell you what you do.

Now, you go upstairs
and take a hot bath...

and get a good night's sleep.

Oh, yes. No, no. I think I'll polish
my doorknob collection.

So consoling, dear.

- Yes. Yes, of course.
- So consoling. I think maybe...

I'll take some clothes to Darrin.

I did it. I did it!

And I did it a lot better
than you did, buddy.

Now...

Honey.

Darrin, I'm so terribly sorry
about all this.

- You want me to spring you?
- No.

I'm in enough trouble
with the law already.

What's gonna happen when
you have to face the judge?

Somehow I have a feeling
things are going to be all right.

- So don't worry, honey.
- Hey, just a minute, buddy.

I dreamed her up. I'll thank you
to stop kissing her.

Good night, sweetheart.
See you in court.

So before I could write out a ticket
for parking in front of a hydrant...

somehow he shucked
off his clothes...

which is another violation.

Then he ducked behind the car.
So in pursuant to my duty...

I pursued him around the car...

and apprehended him
on the third time around.

Then I locked him up, Your Honour.

All right, Mr. Stephens,
what do you have to say?

Your Honour, I don't like to contradict
an officer who was pursuing his duty...

but how could I have been taken
from my cell...

fully clothed this morning if I was
in my shorts when I was locked up?

Was he locked up all night?

Well, yes, sir.

But he had his clothes on this morning
when he was taken out.

Doesn't that seem
a little strange to you?

Well, now that you mention it,
yeah, Your Honour.

But he was in his underwear
when he was locked up.

- I've got a witness.
- Who's your witness?

Montague, come on up here.

Morning, Judge Crosetti.
How's the wife and kids?

Montague was in the cell
with him all night, Your Honour.

- Is that true, Mr. Stephens?
- Yes, Your Honour.

It's all right. Go ahead,
tell the judge everything.

Don't hold anything back.

All right. How was
the defendant clothed?

Judge, you should have
been in that cell.

Never mind the wishful thinking.
How was the defendant clothed?

Well, first he had on these
fancy tights and a big sword...

like Richard Burton.

He can cut quite a figure.

And then...

Then he had on a suit of armour...

like a knight.
Only he didn't bring his horse.

You forgot his horse.

And he clanked around
for a while.

All right, Montague,
I think I've got the picture.

Just tell me one thing more.

Where did he get the clothes
that he's got on now?

A beautiful girl
appeared in the cell...

with some clothes on a hanger.

And she just gave them to him.

This is your only witness?

- Yes, Your Honour.
- I see.

You're dismissed, Mr. Stephens.

- Thank you, Your Honour.
- And you too, Montague.

Thank you, judge. Be seeing you.

Officer, I'd like to speak
to you a minute.

Judge! That's her! That's the girl!

- Out!
- Judge...

Out! Out!

Aunt Clara won't be here
when you come home...

so she wanted to say goodbye.

- Well, goodbye, Aunt Clara.
- Oh, not goodbye, dear, no.

Ta-ta.

Oh, I hope my little visit
hasn't caused any trouble.

No. No, not at all.

Oh, good. Well, it's time for takeoff.

And everything is A-okay.

A-okay?

Yes, I like to keep up
with the times.

Well, countdown.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Blastoff.

Oh, nuts.

Will you give me
a little boost, dear?

Yes, certainly.
Take a deep breath.

Three, two, one.

Thank you, dear. Ta-ta.

Oh, anytime.

Sam, you can't go on like this.

Well...

- That'll be Larry.
- What are you gonna tell him?

I'll simply tell him
if he's decided to fire me...

I've decided to quit.

Hello, Samantha.

- Hi, Larry.
- Let's go, Darrin.

I have something important
to talk over with you.

Why don't you say it here
and get it over with?

Say what?

Well, the Barlow affair, what else?

Oh, yes.

He told me some weird story
about you being in your underwear...

and being chased by a policeman.

And then there was something
about fire hydrants...

and traffic tickets... It was wild.

You know what I think?

- What?
- I think he's a king-size bore.

And I've decided that our office isn't
interested in handling his account.

- Good.
- Who needs a nut like that?

Give me nice, ordinary human beings
like you two.

The Barlows of this world
can get you into trouble.

You could even wind up in jail.

Let's go, Darrin.

I'll see you tonight, honey.

Ta-ta.

So long.

Good.