Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 6 - Take Two Aspirins and Half a Pint of Porpoise Milk - full transcript

And over here, Sweet Osmanthus,
African violets, gloxinias.

- Well, they're perfectly beautiful.
- Thank you.

I know I'm sometimes a bit of a bore
about my hobby...

but before we discuss
your advertising campaign...

I'd like to show you
my pride and joy.

This is a black Peruvian rose.

- A Peruvian rose?
- Yes.

A Peruvian rose is very rare,
but a black Peruvian rose...

is almost unheard of.

It took me nine years
of experimental cross-pollination...

to produce this bloom.



Did you hear that, honey?
Sam, what's wrong?

- I feel a little strange.
- Strange?

- Dizzy. I don't understand it.
- Call the doctor. Don't worry, honey.

We'll get you right to the hospital.

You don't have to worry... Well,
don't just stand there, call a doctor.

- Darrin, I'll be all right.
- Don't be alarmed, Darrin.

A dizzy spell is to be expected
when a girl is...

Has nothing to do with it.
People like her don't get sick.

Darrin!

- You feeling any better?
- About the same.

Now, don't worry, honey.
I'm sure it's nothing.

- You've never been sick before.
- I've never been pregnant before.

- Would you bring me the tray?
- I'm gonna call the doctor again.

But, Darrin, you called him
10 minutes ago.



- He'll call back as soon as he...
- No arguments.

What happened?

I have a feeling we're calling
the wrong doctor.

You think we need a specialist?

A witch doctor.
My magic is on the blink.

Your witchcraft not working
could mean...

- there's something seriously wrong.
- Now, now, Darrin, don't be upset.

I'm just tired.

Maybe my execution of the spell
was sloppy.

Sam, don't try to make me feel good.
Now, normally I'd be pleased...

if your witchcraft didn't work,
but not if it means you're sick.

Try something else.

The window, try opening the window.

- Darrin.
- Sam, the window. Go on.

That did it. I'm calling the doctor.

What good would that do?
What are you gonna tell him?

- "My wife's witchcraft is out of whack"?
- Of course not.

But there's something wrong...

and I'll feel a lot better
after he's checked you over.

Abner, a car just drove up
in front of the Stephens'.

It's a doctor. I can tell by his bag.

He went right in. How about that?

Gladys, you were born
100 years too late.

- What do you mean by that?
- You'd have made a great town crier.

You think I should take over
some of my chicken soup?

- No.
- Why not?

There's a city ordinance
against poisoning people.

Darrin, try to relax.
Dr. Anton said I was just fine.

- We know better.
- Well...

Honey, I won't feel relaxed
until you're completely back to normal.

How's your...?

I don't know.

Let's see if I can put
the window back together.

I'm beginning to understand
how Aunt Clara feels.

- Sam, what can it possibly be?
- I don't know.

I wish Mother were here. I bet
she'd know something about all this.

Can't you concentrate,
figure out where she is?

Nope. I already tried.

When Mother wants to make herself
scarce, nobody can find her.

Isn't there anyone else?

Well, there's Aunt Clara.

Can I come in?

I knocked at your front door,
but I guess you didn't hear me.

- No, we didn't.
- Well, I didn't wanna knock...

very loud in case
it would disturb you.

I saw the doctor drive up...

and I thought maybe
a little chicken soup might...

- What's the matter?
- What's a door doing here?

- It leads to another room.
- Over the front lawn?

- Cantilevered.
- We're adding a nursery.

The room hasn't been built yet.

You mean, you put a door
in the wall first?

How else would we
get into the room to build it?

Thank you very much for bringing
the chicken soup over, Mrs. Kravitz.

Well...

they always say chicken soup
is always...

- What's the matter with her?
- I don't know.

I guess the poor woman's seen so
many strange things she's probably...

- Sam, your face!
- What's the matter with it?

It's covered with spots.

Square green spots.

Square green spots
all over her face, Abner.

- What do you think of that?
- So?

How can you be so calm? Nobody
ever had square green spots before.

Nobody ever had
your chicken soup before.

Do you have any idea
what's the matter?

I think her magic has gone to pot, and
she's developed square green spots.

Aunt Clara, we thought maybe
you'd know what disease I have.

Well, judging from the symptoms,
I should think it's...

a square green spot disease.

- Is that serious?
- No, I don't think so.

It's inconvenient,
and it lasts a whole year.

- A year?
- Yes.

Usually only witches in Peru get it.

Aunt Clara, we were looking
at a Peruvian rose earlier.

Could that have had anything
to do with it?

Was it a black rose?

Oh, dear. That explains...
Explains everything.

You know, a Peruvian black rose
was a part of the formula...

that they used to drive the witches
out of Peru.

I didn't know
they had witches in Peru.

Well, they haven't. It worked.

Aunt Clara, you said the disease is not
usually serious, but Sam's pregnant.

Oh, really? Well, I've never known it
to have that effect before.

Never.

Aunt Clara, Darrin wants to know
if my having the disease...

while pregnant is serious.

Well, there's only one way
to find that out:

Ask a Peruvian witch who was
pregnant when she got...

the square green spot disease.

Offhand, I think the chances
of finding her...

is not too good.

Isn't there anything we can do?

Well, now, if I only had the right
ingredients, I could whip up...

a brew that would get rid of it
like that, you know.

- You could?
- Why, of course.

Darrin, now, would you mind
running out and picking up...

- some items I need?
- Of course not, Aunt Clara.

There's a drugstore in the
neighbourhood, stays open all night.

Exactly what do you need,
Aunt Clara?

Well, now, let me see.
I think you'd better make a list.

Well, now, let me see.
Two bat wings.

A half a pint of porpoise milk.
And be sure it's fresh.

Be sure it's fresh.

Four eye of newt.
And an ostrich feather.

One.

Yes, that's it.
You've got that, Darrin?

Yes, Aunt Clara, but where
am I gonna get all these things?

Well, I'll give you the address
of a little place that I shop.

Wilbur. Wilbur, there's no use
in sending me any more brooms.

I just can't move them.

The young witches today just
wouldn't be caught dead on one.

Come in, come in.

Wilbur, let's face it, they just don't
give a hang for tradition anymore.

No, I can't think of a thing
I need, Wilbur...

except half a dozen tail of iguana.

Okay, no rush, Wilbur.

Well, what can I do for...?

I suppose you're wondering
about the phone?

Yes, I was.

Well, as a matter of fact, up till
last week, I did use a crystal ball...

but then I finally decided
to try the phone.

- Why fight progress, right?
- I guess so.

- Now, sir, what can I do for you?
- Oh, well, it's all right here.

Porpoise milk, porpoise milk.

- Please make sure it's fresh.
- Fresh?

Why, I milked the porpoise
myself this morning.

Here we are.

Now, "four eye of..."

"Four of eye of..."

What's that?

"Newt." I think.

Oh, yes, right over there in that jar.
Help yourself.

I find most of my customers like
to pick out their own eye of newt.

Bat's wings, bat's wings.

You're sure you don't want
the whole bat?

No, thanks, just the wings.

Would you believe it...

you know, you're the first customer
I've had in here in days.

Business slow?

Witch-supply business
just ain't what it used to be.

Nowadays everybody uses
them instant spells.

Just one quick incantation,
it's all over.

- Now, is that gonna be all?
- One ostrich feather.

Oh, I am sorry. We're fresh out
of ostrich feathers.

Now, where did I put my abacus?

Here we are.

I've just got to get
an ostrich feather.

He tried to steal your what?

My ostrich feather. Came right up
to me on the street and said:

"I want your feather."

Sergeant, I offered to buy
her feather.

We'll get to you later. Go on.

Well, I said I had no intention
of selling my feather.

And then I started to leave.
But he followed me.

I see.

Okay, what's your story?

Well, sergeant, I know my behaviour
must seem very strange...

- but I do have an explanation.
- Oh, I can hardly wait.

First of all, I didn't want
the feather for myself.

- So far, so good.
- It's for my wife.

You see, I promised her one,
and I didn't want to disappoint her.

Secondly, as I pointed out before,
I offered to buy the feather.

At no time did I try to take it
by force.

Lady, do you wanna prefer
any charges?

Well...

Well, since no actual damage was
done to my feather, I guess not.

Okay, you can go.

Oh, may I say something
before the lady leaves?

- Go ahead.
- Would you take $30 for it?

You never give up, do you?

You've got the guts of a lion,
do you know that?

Do I look like the type of man
who would accost ladies...

- in the middle of the night?
- No.

No, I must admit, you don't.

You seem normal enough.

- Well, thank you, sergeant.
- By the way, what's in the bag?

Just some things I bought.
May I go now?

Just as soon as you tell me
the contents of the bag.

- Does it matter?
- It matters. What's in the bag?

Two bat wings, half a pint of
porpoise milk, four eye of newt.

You remember what I said
about you seeming normal?

Forget it.

Abner, he's back.
Mr. Stephens is back.

Come to bed, Gladys.

I bet she has some
strange disease...

and we could catch it.

Abner, you wanna wake up
with something strange?

I've been doing that for 20 years.
Why change now?

Very funny.

So they finally let me go, but the whole
experience was rather nerve-racking.

- Oh, you poor thing.
- Never mind about me.

I'm worried about you.
They seem to be getting bigger.

Never mind. When I get my potion,
she'll be as right as rain.

But aren't you still missing
one ostrich feather?

Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I'll try and conjure one up.

Now, cross your fingers.

- Is that part of the spell?
- No, but I need all the luck...

I can get.

One ostrich feather.

I didn't realize they were that big,
you know.

There now.

- Is that enough, Aunt Clara?
- I think so.

- Yes. Yes.
- Well...

to my health.

How about the...?

Let's see, I'd better start
with something small.

I'll try and turn out that lamp.

Well, it went out, all right,
but not the right way.

Aunt Clara, are you sure you got
all the ingredients right?

Oh, yes, yes.
There's the porpoise milk...

the bat wings,
the eye of newt and...

Of course.

The hair of the dog.

Aunt Clara, will you tell me
exactly what you want?

Yes. Yes.

Now, I want four petals
of a black Peruvian rose.

Now, do you know anyone
that has a black Peruvian rose?

The police should be arriving
in 30 seconds.

I take it you have some explanation
for your incomprehensible act?

Yes.

But you'd never believe it.

You know, I had a feeling
I'd be seeing you here again...

but I didn't think
it would be so soon.

- Sergeant, I do have an explanation.
- No, let me guess.

You wanted the flower
for you wife, right?

- Yes, but...
- Book him.

Now, we've got to get Darrin out of jail
and back here with the flower.

Are you sure you have
the right spell, Aunt Clara?

Oh, yes, my spells are
getting closer every minute.

Now, this is going to be a bull's-eye.

I certainly hope so.

You've got to deliver this flower.
Otherwise I won't be responsible...

- for the consequences.
- You get one phone call...

- and you've had it. Go to sleep.
- Come back here.

You don't realize how important
this is!

Look, I don't wanna hear
another word...

Sergeant.

Hey, sergeant!

Four.

Let's try it again.

It worked! Honey, it worked.

Now we'd better get you back to jail
before they discover Aunt Clara.

Right. I'm in enough trouble with
a breaking-and-entering charge...

- without adding escaping from jail.
- Don't worry.

We'll work something out.
I'll see you in the morning.

See for yourself, sarge.

I turned my back for a moment,
and there was this little old lady...

I swear, she was there.

What did you do
with that old lady?

She just flew out,
straight through the wall.

All right, that's enough out of you.

Now, Joe, look, why don't you
just take the night off.

Don't be embarrassed.
I mean, the job gets to all of us.

I'm retired, and you drag me
out of bed at 7:00 in the morning.

- Some retirement.
- Abner, I told you.

Sure, you told me.

Mrs. Stephens has square green spots
all over her.

- Do I have the whole thing correct?
- You'll see. You'll see.

Oh, hello. We just...

They're gone. They're all gone.

My wife says you weren't feeling well,
Mrs. Stephens.

Well, I'm fine now. It was just
one of those 12-hour bugs.

Well, come on, Gladys. Glad
you're feeling better, Mrs. Stephens.

Thank you, Mr. Kravitz.

I wonder if I could have
my soup dish back?

Oh, yes, of course.
It's upstairs. I'll get it.

Oh, no, I'll get it. You've been sick.

Somebody knocking at the door.

Somebody knocking.
Knock, knock, knock.

Overactive thyroid.

I know how to cure
an overactive thyroid.

You take the left ear of a kangaroo
and the whiskers of a weasel...

Thanks, Aunt Clara. I'll tell him.

Well, I know, just the same.

I don't get it.
First, Norton drops the charges...

then he agrees to come over here
and talk to me.

When you talked to him,
did he say why?

Not in so many words.

You haven't been...?

Oh, no, of course not, darling.

At least, not yet.

- Sam.
- Oh, that must be Mr. Norton.

Now, why don't you let him in and ask
him out here for a cup of coffee.

It's absolutely incredible.

- How did you do it?
- Oh, it was easy.

A little perseverance...

and suddenly everything was
coming up black Peruvian roses.

You're not supposed to be
around those.

Now, don't worry, Aunt Clara said
I could only get it once.

You won't go back on our bargain?

- Bargain?
- Yes.

As long as we picked one
of Mr. Norton's roses...

I promised him a cutting from one
of our black Peruvian rose bushes.

Oh, well, Mr. Norton,
I want you to know...

I'll understand if you request
another account executive.

Darrin, all I know is a man whose
wife can raise black Peruvian roses...

can't be all bad.

- She's something pretty special.
- Special?

Mrs. Stephens, you must be the
greatest horticulturist in the country...

or some sort of a magician.

Oh, not at all, Mr. Norton.

- I simply have a green...
- Nose...

- Thumb.
- Yes, thumb.