Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 32 - A Bum Raps - full transcript

Honey, don't forget
about Uncle Albert.

According to his telegram,
he should be arriving today.

No, I won't forget.

Honey, be especially nice to him.

He's a construction engineer,
no family.

- He's on the road all the time.
- Yes, I know.

- I'll make him feel at home.
- Thank you, darling.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, and he is a little eccentric.

If he pulls any of his funny little gags
on you, just go along with them.

What funny little gags?



- Well, there he goes.
- Yes.

The typical young American executive
on the way to the office.

Same time, same place, every day.

Yeah, you know, a man could set
his watch by that, if he had a watch.

Well, time for breakfast.
Shall we meet back here?

- Absolutely, Mr. Dilloway.
- Positively, Mr. Dunn.

- Good morning, miss.
- How did you know I was a miss?

Well, I presume that
the laws of this state...

prohibit marriage for those
who are under 21 years of age.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I am single.

I'm keeping house for my brother.
His wife's away.

- Oh, I see.
- Are you selling something?

Just the pleasure of my company
at breakfast.

Now, I'm not partial to eggs,
but some wheat cakes...



and crisp bacon
and lots of hot, strong coffee.

Strong coffee is my weakness.

You're a bum!

This is a respectable neighbourhood.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

A man of your age panhandling!

A simple "no" would've
been sufficient.

Good morning.

I know. Don't tell me.
You're Uncle Albert.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Samantha, Darrin's wife.

He's at the office, but I promised to
take care of you. I hope you don't mind.

Mind? I'm delighted.

Come in, come in.

My, you were hungry, Uncle Albert.

Yes, travelling always
gives me an appetite.

You must lead an interesting life,
on the road all the time.

- Oh, you know about that?
- Well, a little.

Most of your work is done
in the field, isn't it?

Yes, in the field. That's right.

Well, that Donald
is really a lucky man.

You mean Darrin?

Oh, Darrin. Darrin. Yes, of course.

Imagine me forgetting your
daddy's name, little fella.

She's a girl, Uncle Albert.

- Tabatha?
- Oh, well...

Darrin's letter informing me of
the birth must've arrived after I left.

My apologies, fair lady.

Apologies accepted.

Now, how would you like to unpack
and get settled in your room?

Well, unfortunately, my luggage
won't arrive until later.

Some delay at the airport.

However, I would like to wash the dust
of the road off this tired old body.

Your room is at the top
of the stairs. I'll show you.

No, no, no. Now, you sit
right there. I'll find it.

I don't want my stay here to be
any trouble to you whatsoever.

Well...

you like your
Great-uncle Albert, huh?

Well, I respect your opinion.

I like him too.

Oh, I didn't know you were there.

My, you do look handsome.

Well, I realized after I took my bath
that I didn't have a change.

I hope your husband doesn't mind.

Oh, not at all.
I'm sure if he were here, he'd insist.

- You have a lovely voice.
- Well, thank you.

That was a song I did in my act
back in the old vaudeville days.

- You were an entertainer?
- Oh, a headliner.

That's funny. Darrin never told me.
I wonder why.

Well, that was a long time ago.
I don't believe...

Darrin would remember
that part of my life.

Why'd you give it up?

Well...

it died, my dear.

I woke up one morning,
and it just wasn't there.

And that's when you decided
to become a construction engineer.

A construction engineer?

Oh, well, yes, I faced the inevitable.

But really at heart, I'm still
an old song-and-dance man.

I bet you could still entertain people
in nightclubs and on television.

No, no. Those days
are gone forever, my dear.

When I hung up my straw hat
and cane, that was it.

- And I became a...
- Construction engineer.

Yeah, exactly.

From then on, it was just constructing
one engineer after another...

until I adjusted myself
to the new life.

Uncle Albert, would you mind
seeing who that is?

Why, certainly.

- Yes?
- Hello, I'm Uncle Albert.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Pardon?

I said, "Oh, I didn't hear that."

I'm looking for the Stephens,
Darrin and Samantha Stephens.

- I believe they're expecting me.
- They moved about two weeks ago.

That's strange.
Darrin never mentioned moving.

Well, I believe his office
transferred him unexpectedly.

- They moved to Westport.
- I see.

Do you mind
if I use your telephone?

Well, ordinarily I wouldn't...

but I'm down with a rare case
of galloping fungi.

The doctor says
it's very contagious.

Well, in that case, I'm sorry
to have bothered you.

- Oh, not at all.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who was it, Uncle Albert?

Oh, just a peddler. I got rid of him.

Good.

- How did you find me?
- Hey, I saw that lady usher you in...

like she was expecting you.
How did you do it?

It's a case of mistaken identity.

- She thinks I'm her Uncle Albert.
- It's a case of a gorgeous setup.

Furniture, appliances, silver.
We steal all we can.

Now, look, William,
I like this lady and her baby.

Okay. Them, we don't steal.

You don't understand, William.
I owe her some loyalty.

You wanna talk about loyalty?

For 30 years I carried you
into the act.

For 30 years I cooked
you mulligan stew.

So until this family goes to bed
tonight, you're Uncle Albert.

After that, you're Horace Dilloway
of Dilloway and Dunn.

And you're gonna help me load
the truck I hire to clean out this joint.

Look, William, can't we try
some other place?

No. Like it says in the sketch,
"This must be the place."

Look, Horace, forget loyalty.

Think of responsibility, financial
responsibility to certain people.

- Like who?
- Like us.

Your way, if they find out you're
not Uncle Albert, it's the clink.

My way, it's Miami
and some loot for a change.

Somebody's at the door.
You better go.

- Hi, Miss Kravitz.
- Hi, Mrs. Stephens.

I just came by to return this.
It was in the kitchen.

Abner thinks Gladys borrowed it
some time ago.

Thank you, but you
needn't have bothered.

Heavens, I know how it is
when you run short.

I was saying to Abner just
this morning... "Abner," I said...

Miss Kravitz, I'd like you
to meet Darrin's Uncle Albert.

It's a pleasure
and a privilege, my dear.

Didn't I...? Haven't we met
somewhere just recently?

That's not likely. I've been
out of the country for some time...

and I certainly
would've remembered you.

Well, goodbye, Mrs. Stephens.
Nice meeting you, Mr...?

Albert, Uncle Albert.

Please, don't be a stranger
during my stay here.

Time is so fleeting.

Well, goodbye all.

Well, that was an interesting visit.

Yes, wasn't it?

And we are developing a crash
program to present to Mr. Martin.

It's my considered opinion
that he should...

Mr. Stephens' office.

Oh, sure. Hi. Just a second.
It's Mrs. Stephens.

Hi, sweetheart.

I'm up to my ears.

Did Uncle Albert get there all right?

Yes, yes, he arrived
just after you left.

- How do you like him?
- Fine.

I like him just fine.

Well, you don't sound
very enthusiastic.

Well, Darrin, you remember you
mentioned those little things he does?

Well, he only does them for laughs,
even though he's not very good.

Well, I think he's very good at them.

Has he pulled the one about
the mouse in his pocket yet?

No, but he's pulled the one about
Harriet Kravitz's wristwatch.

Listen, I forgot to tell you.

There's a photograph of Uncle Albert
in the bottom drawer...

of the desk in the living room.

It might be nice if we
had it out on display.

Well, all right, sweetheart.

Oh, look, I just wanted to ask you if...

I'm sorry, honey, I've gotta
get going on this Martin thing.

I might be a little later
than I thought.

Try to amuse Uncle Albert
till I get there, will you?

All right, I'll try.

- Thanks, sweetheart. Bye.
- Bye.

Now, where were we?

It was right here.
"In my opinion, it's..."

Would you get that, Betty?

Mr. Stephens' office.

Oh, I see. Well, just a minute.
Let me check with him.

It's Mr. Martin's office.
They wanna postpone the meeting...

until 11 tomorrow morning.

Tell them yes!

Yes, tomorrow will be fine.

Oh, well, thank you.

Okay, goodbye.

Now, would you like for me
to read the memo back to you?

No, we can do it first thing
tomorrow morning.

I think I'll go home
and surprise my Uncle Albert.

I tell you, I was wearing it when I went
in this house, and that man stole it.

- Harriet, you don't know for sure.
- Oh, I don't, don't I?

You'll see.

- Oh, hi there, Miss Kravitz.
- Yes, it's me again.

Where is he?

- Won't you come in too, Mr. Kravitz?
- Thank you.

- There he is.
- Well, Miss Kravitz.

To what do we owe
the pleasure of this visit?

To a certain item taken
from my person by a certain party.

Don't pretend you don't know.

Well, I'm afraid you do
have me at a disadvantage.

You see, I've just come back
from a long, long trip...

and, well, my mind
is still a little fuzzy.

- Well, let me enlighten you.
- Harriet, please.

I happen to be talking
about my wristwatch.

You mean the one you're wearing,
Miss Kravitz?

Yeah, that's the one, all right.

Oh, boy, I'm sorry, Mrs. Stephens.

I was not wearing that
a few minutes ago.

Harriet, please, you need glasses.

I've told you since you fell out of
the tree house when you were 6.

Goodbye, Mrs. Stephens.

Goodbye, Mr. Kravitz.

Well, another interesting visit
from the Kravitzes.

I wonder why that nice lady
thought I stole her watch.

Perhaps because you did.

- Pardon?
- Oh, come on.

I was standing right here
when you did it.

Oh, you were?

Now, Darrin's told me
all about you, Uncle Albert.

This was another one
of your funny little tricks, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, yes, it was one
of my funny little tricks.

But I still don't understand
how she got it out of my pocket.

Do you?

- How?
- That's one of my funny little tricks.

Now, you have a request
for an encore from Tabatha.

- Do you mind?
- Oh, that'll be a pleasure.

Holy Toledo.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, hi.

I wanted to surprise
my Uncle Albert.

Darrin, I thought you were
supposed to work late tonight.

- The meeting was postponed.
- Oh, it was? Darrin.

- There he is. I see him.
- Darrin.

He's sitting there reading
my newspaper. Isn't he great?

- Darrin.
- What?

- He's not your uncle.
- What?

He's only pretending because
I made the mistake in the first place.

What mistake?

You see, I thought he was your
Uncle Albert, so I invited him in.

He's really a very nice man.

I like him.

Tabatha likes him.

- You'll like him.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it!

What happened to my Uncle Albert?

You know, I've been
wondering about that myself.

Anyway, you'll enjoy
this Uncle Albert.

I asked him to stay overnight.

You did? Why?

Because I'd already invited him.

I thought I'd explained.

You see, I thought
he was Uncle Albert.

That doesn't make any sense.

- He's wearing my suit.
- Yes. Doesn't it look nice?

Does he know that you know
he's not Uncle Albert?

No. Oh, Darrin, please, please.

Go along with it, just for tonight.

- Sam...
- Please?

You...

- You must be Donald.
- Darrin.

And you must be...

my Uncle Albert.

It's no wonder you look surprised.

You probably don't
even recognize me.

After all, it's been years.

Well, last time you saw me,
I was probably that high.

- Maybe even that high.
- Yes.

- You've changed a bit yourself.
- Well, time does change one.

- It's great to have you here.
- Oh, thank you.

- Well, why don't we have a drink.
- All right.

Then after dinner, we can...

We can kick around old times.

It was marvellous the way
he warmed up to you...

when you were talking
about the old days.

Yeah.

I never knew I'd gone to a burlesque
show when I was only 6 years old.

You were marvellous.

- You're not bad yourself.
- Well, thank you.

Sleep well.

- That's it. That's all we can carry.
- Now, wait.

- For what?
- I can't go through with it.

- Are you gonna start that again?
- They were so wonderful to me.

You should've been in there
at dinner tonight.

You bet I should've
been in there.

The sooner we get rid of this,
the sooner I can buy my dinner.

Like in Miami Beach, Florida.

They really made me
feel like somebody.

Yeah. The somebody they
made you feel was Uncle Albert.

How will they make you feel
when they know you're Uncle Horace?

- I know.
- Come on, come on, let's get going.

- What is it?
- I think your hobo friend hit the road.

Well?

Oh, Darrin.

I was so sure he'd
turn over a new leaf.

Honey, he's obviously
been at it a long time.

With him, you'd have
to uproot the whole tree.

- Well, I guess I better call the police.
- Police?

Is that absolutely necessary?

Have you got any better ideas?

As if I didn't know.

Hey, what can I do
to make you crack a smile?

- It's a lost cause.
- Yeah.

You'll change your mind
when I turn this into eating money.

We can bum a year
on what we got back here.

Hey, I wonder if this is real silver.
It could be worth a lot of dough.

Hey, wait a minute.
Let me see that.

"To Darrin from Uncle Albert."

- Oh, no.
- "Oh, no" what?

They knew. They knew I wasn't
Uncle Albert all the time.

Hey, wait a minute.
What are you doing?

- I'm going back.
- Oh, no chance, pal.

You wanna go back,
get out and walk.

All right.

- You know you're breaking up the act.
- Unless you wanna stick with me.

No, I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Absolutely, Mr. Dilloway?

Positively, Mr. Dunn.

All right, you've had your fun.

Now, you just kindly
turn around and come back.

What's that?

These things don't belong to you.
Just bring them back.

You're wasting your time and mine.

Yeah? What happens
if I turn you off?

- I must be losing my mind.
- No, not really.

Just do as I tell you.

Yeah, lady. All right.

Honey, they couldn't have
swiped the phone, could they?

It's right down there.

Thanks.

We're gonna have to call the police.

Oh, darling, I don't think
that'll be necessary.

Our furniture's on its way back...

and Uncle Albert will be knocking
at the door any second.

Really?

Why do I even ask?

May I come in?

Hello, Uncle Albert.

Glad you decided to come back.

Samantha, I'm not your
Uncle Albert. I'm a tramp.

And you both knew it
right from the beginning.

Why didn't you throw me out?

Because we liked having you here.

That'll be the police.

Well, I guess
I had it coming to me.

Well, it's not the police.
It's the truck you left in.

William? He's back here?

Let's just say
he delivered the truck.

You know where to find him later.

You're not gonna have me arrested?

My wife thinks you can turn over
a new leaf and get a job.

Maybe the suit
will bring you good luck.

I can keep it?

Why not?

Well, I don't know how to thank you.

Maybe I can get a job
and really be somebody.

You are somebody.

You're Horace Dilloway
of Dilloway and Dunn.

Now you can go back to entertaining
people in nightclubs and on television.

Oh, no. No chance.

Nobody has any use for us
these days.

And I say they do.

You think it's possible?

Mr. Dilloway, when my wife says
it's possible, believe me, it's possible.

How did you know my name?

That's just another one
of my funny little tricks.

Well, I'll be in touch with you
if you'll let me.

We'll be looking for you.

Good night, Darrin,
and thank you very much.

Good night, Mr. Dilloway.

Good night, Samantha.

Good night, Uncle Horace.

I told you everything
would be all right.

You'll see. Dilloway and Dunn
are gonna be headliners again.

I wasn't worried about them.
I was thinking about lugging...

all that furniture
back into the house tonight.

Darrin...

why don't you let me do it for you.

Sam, this is some kind of a record.

For the second time in one night...

I'm not gonna argue with you.

Wait for me.

What took you so long?

- Hey, I just thought of it.
- What?

Whatever happened
to my Uncle Albert?

Oh, well, I wouldn't worry about him.

He's probably busy
constructing engineers.

Come on.