Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 30 - Follow That Witch: Part 1 - full transcript
Darrin pitches a campaign to a baby food company. The company's president, Mr. Robbins, likes the campaign, and wants to sign with Darrin. However, the company's advertising manager, George Barkley, wants ten days to mull over the concept before making a decision. What Darrin is unaware of is that what Barkley wants more than a good advertising campaign is an advertising man with a squeaky clean background that will no way negatively affect the company's wholesome image. As such, he hires a private investigator, Charlie Leach, to do some digging into Darrin's background. After finding no dirt on Darrin, Leach moves on to the family, namely Samantha. Beyond Leach possibly spying Samantha performing some witchcraft, Samantha may unwittingly feed the fire that Leach is starting on her. Beyond this specific job, Leach has ulterior motives on finding out as much dirt as he can on Samantha as possible.
- Mrs. Stephens?
- Yes.
I'm Harriet Kravitz, Abner's sister.
- It's nice to meet you, Miss Kravitz.
- I thought I'd pop in to say hello...
and to return this saucepan
Gladys borrowed.
Please come in.
- Do excuse the mess.
- That's okay. You go right ahead.
Abner's taken Gladys to spend
a couple of weeks with her mother.
- How nice.
- Not for Abner.
He can't stand her mother.
That's why he's driving back tomorrow.
I'm gonna be keeping house
while Gladys is gone.
Well, if there's anything I can do
to help, you just call me.
Oh, I will. Gladys has told me a lot
about you, Mrs. Stephens.
- Oh, really?
- Oh, nothing bad, you understand.
Just what a good neighbour you are.
- Nothing else at all.
- Glad to hear it.
Anyway, I'm a person who likes
to judge people for themselves.
You always paint in the living room?
Well, Tabatha is asleep upstairs.
I just wanted to be near her
if she cried.
You'll never get two coats of paint
out of that little can.
- No?
- Not unless you're some kind of magi...
What I mean is, you won't even get
one coat of paint out of that.
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Well, that's too bad.
I'll just have to work it out somehow.
Thanks for bringing the saucepan.
You can put it down over there.
Cute.
Isn't that silly?
I walked out with the saucepan.
The chair shrunk.
It wasn't Sanforized.
Miss Kravitz, surely you don't think that
that's the chair you saw a minute ago?
I like them. I like them very much.
Thank you, Mr. Robbins.
As a matter of fact,
I like your entire campaign.
I think Robbins Baby Food Company
and McMann & Tate can do business.
- Right, George?
- The campaign could be quite effective.
Good. We'll start to work
on it right away.
No. I'd like to defer our
final decision for 10 days.
- Ten days?
- You need that much time?
Well, I guess
that's about it, gentlemen.
I may be president of the company, but
Mr. Barkley is in charge of advertising.
And I believe in giving my executives
a completely free hand.
Very commendable attitude,
I'm sure.
George has only been
with us two months.
But he's a young man, new ideas.
He's really been shaking up
us old fuddy-duddies.
I'll contact you in 10 days.
Thank you.
George is a cautious man
and probably just wants time to think.
- I'm sure we can do business, Darrin.
- I hope so.
All right. What did you find out
about Darrin Stephens?
Well, I've been shadowing him
for a week. I also dug into his past.
Mr. Barkley, he's as
clean as a whistle.
You didn't uncover any vices?
- You can't win them all.
- It seems too good to be true.
Mr. Barkley, nobody's got a nose
for dirt like Charlie Leach.
And let me tell you,
this guy makes Mickey Mouse...
seem like Jack the Ripper.
Can I have my money now?
You'll get paid
when the job is finished.
Finished? You want me to investigate
that Stephens some more?
- No, his wife.
- His wife?
Leach, this company
sells baby food.
It's imperative that the character
of our representatives...
be wholesome, unblemished,
and above all, normal.
This applies to their wives too.
I'll start with the neighbours.
They usually clam up...
but sometimes you come up
with a live one.
Do you want me to start at
the beginning or just hop around?
Any way you like, lady.
Well, I've only seen one unusual thing,
but Gladys, my sister-in-law...
has told me of many,
many odd occurrences.
I thought she might be exaggerating.
Now I'm sure she was telling the truth.
Go ahead. You see,
the credit company I work for...
is interested in anything
you've got to say.
Well, there was the time
she made the baby fly.
The baby wanted to go by train?
No, she didn't put the baby on a plane,
she just made it fly upstairs.
And then she had
these green square spots...
and Gladys saw an ostrich
in the living room and...
Am I going too fast for you?
She saw an ostrich in
Mrs. Stephens' living room?
And an elephant, a baby elephant.
I think that came later.
She turned this old man
into an elephant.
Of course, there was something
funny about him too.
He was a wizard
who made flowers dance.
Your sister-in-law told you all this?
Yes. But I believe
everything she said.
She also gave her husband
this long nose and this funny hair.
- Where are you going?
- I've got more than enough to go on.
But there's more, much more.
Wanna hear about when
the bottom half of her disappeared?
Some other time.
Now, you just go to sleep...
and Mommy's gonna plant some
pretty flowers in the garden. Yeah.
Daisies and roses
and all sorts of things.
Oh, dear.
There, that's better.
Hi there. You must be
the little lady of the house.
No, she's asleep in her carriage.
I'm Mrs. Stephens.
Always did like a dame, I mean
a lady, with a good sense of humour.
You can wipe that worried look
right off your pretty little face.
I ain't selling nothing.
I'm doing a little consumer research
on bottle tops.
Well, I'd like to help you,
but I really am rather busy right now.
Oh, this'll just take a jiff.
Before I get your opinion on tops...
I'd like some information
about your...
Did I miss a spot?
Were you working on this
when I rang your doorbell?
- No, I was out back, gardening.
- Gardening?
I like to make things grow.
I really would love to help you,
so could we get on with this?
Sure. Sure, lady.
Say, this is quite a place
you've got here.
- Thanks.
- All paid for?
Does that affect my qualification
to judge bottle tops?
You don't have to hide anything
from me, Mrs. Stephens.
Everything you tell me
is strictly on the q.t.
Thanks.
- Is that your kid?
- No, we rent her by the month.
Funny.
I have this questionnaire here
that I have to fill out.
- Do you drink?
- Well, yes, from time to...
Does it really ask that?
You don't have to answer
if you don't want to.
I can see you take a belt...
I mean, a drink sometimes.
The red nose
is a dead giveaway, huh?
Oh, I noticed the booze over there.
You do, don't you?
Only with my meals.
Drinks with meals.
Mostly at breakfast.
- You drink at breakfast?
- Doesn't everyone?
I mean, it was a bit
of a problem at first.
- Problem?
- Yes.
I didn't know whether you should drink
red wine or white wine with oatmeal.
So I finally compromised
and settled on Scotch.
Breakfast is my favourite meal.
I see.
Any more questions?
I wondered if you had other hobbies
apart from making things grow...
like Bridge, knitting, golf, magic.
Magic? How'd that get in there?
A lot of people go in for magic tricks
in their spare time.
Have you been talking
to Harriet Kravitz?
Never heard of her.
Excuse me.
All right, Tabatha.
Don't you cry anymore.
We'll just take
a little walk over here...
and everything will be all right.
Yes, it will.
Good.
Then there was the time she made
three dresses in 10 seconds.
That was after her husband became
a chimpanzee. Or was that before?
Gladys told me so many things.
Aren't you gonna write
all this down?
I ran out of paper an hour ago.
- Oh, I can get some more.
- I got writer's cramp.
Oh, do you mind if I have
another cup of coffee?
- Right away.
- Is it okay if I use your phone?
- You go right ahead.
- I'd like to call my wife.
She worries about me.
Hello, Charmaine. Charlie here.
I didn't think it was Rock Hudson.
Look, honey, I'm about to wrap up
the wildest case in my whole career.
Boston Blackie has done it again.
I just called to tell you
I'd be late tonight.
And what do you expect me to do?
Sit in this dump and
watch the wallpaper peel?
What kind of a life
do you think this is for me?
I'll tell you what kind of a life it is.
It's a drag.
Now, you'd better get home
or it's goodbye, Charlie.
You don't understand. If I come back
to Mr. Barkley with something hot...
he's liable to put me
on a permanent retainer.
Then I can get you them furs
and jewels you've always wanted.
Don't give me that jazz.
I'm still trying to get the green off
my finger from your wedding ring.
Charmaine, don't give me a hard time.
I've had a rough day.
I've been thrown by a rocking chair
and attacked by a soda bottle.
Charlie, do yourself a favour.
Get off the sauce!
I can't wait until Abner comes home
so you can tell him what you've seen.
Abner never believed Gladys,
you know.
- You do believe her, don't you?
- Look, lady, let me put it this way.
I've got an open mind. I don't know
what's going on over there...
but my nose smells
something weird about her.
My only casserole.
Well...
Sam, are you sure it was
the same man both times?
Positive.
I don't get it. Why would anyone
be interested in you?
I'm sure you don't mean that
the way it sounded.
- You know what I mean.
- Yes.
Maybe he was just nosy.
Yeah, but why would anybody
be snooping around?
Did anything strange happen
when he was in the house?
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I better call the police, have them keep
an eye on the house if he comes back.
I don't think that'll be necessary.
I'm sure we've seen the last of him.
Well, what makes you so sure?
Well...
Suppose you tell me
exactly what happened.
- Suppose I just give you the highlights.
- Why don't you do that.
- The big thing was the baby carriage.
- The baby carriage.
- I made it jump up and down.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
He was under it at the time.
Sam, how many times
have I told you...
Darrin, I don't like anyone
sneaking around Tabatha's carriage.
You are right.
And if you see him sneaking around
Tabatha or her carriage again...
you have my permission to use
any sort of witchcraft you like.
- Does that make you feel better?
- Much.
Good. Now, why don't you
finish dinner.
- I got about half an hour's work ahead.
- Okay.
- Oh, great.
- What?
I just remembered I left the car
outside with the top down.
- You go and work. I'll do it.
- Don't you think that nose...
- has been overworked today?
- I wasn't gonna use my nose.
- What then?
- My feet.
Feet?
An old-fashioned trick called walking.
Easy when you get the hang of it.
That's my girl.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Okay, baby carriage.
Move.
Pretty please. Move?
Come on, pretty please.
Pretty please.
I did it! I did it!
Hi there.
All right. Just what are you after?
My cat escaped, and I thought
I saw it come in here.
- What's your cat's name?
- My cat... Oh, Pussy. Pussy, that's it.
Here, Pussy, Pussy.
Here, Pussy, Pussy, Pussy.
Where are you,
Pussy, Pussy, Pussy?
Look, I don't know who you are
or what you want...
but I think I ought to warn you.
If you ever come near
this house again...
some terrible things
are gonna happen to you.
Now, look, lady,
you better listen to me.
I know who you are,
I just ain't sure what you are.
But one thing you better know...
Charlie Leach is used to
all sorts of danger, see?
And nothing you can do
can scare me.
- You wanna bet?
- Forget it, lady. I don't scare easy.
Right now, I'm gonna go out there
and call a taxi and go home.
My pussycat may be there by now.
Taxi! Taxi!
Now get a grip on yourself, kid.
Try to think what James Bond
would do in a situation like this.
He'd keep calm, that's what.
So...
keep calm.
Help! Help!
Why are you wearing
that ridiculous muffler?
Oh, you'd be wearing
a muffler too, Mr. Barkley...
if you had spent all night on a ledge
outside of an office 40 stories high.
What were you doing there?
If you let me finish,
you'll see the pieces fall together.
At 11:47, I looked into the window
of the Stephens' residence...
and I observed a tiny
rocking chair 4 inches tall.
Ten seconds later, I was admitted
into the Stephens' residence...
and now saw the chair full size.
Upon subtle questioning about
the change in the size of the chair...
Mrs. Stephens admitted she, quote,
"liked to make things grow," unquote.
Well, my trained investigator's mind
put two and two together...
- and I came up with the answer.
- Five?
Sir, I deduced that there was something
very queer about Mrs. Stephens.
Until 11:53, when I was
left alone with said chair...
upon which I proceeded
to investigate further.
Now, when I lowered
my person onto the chair...
it acted in a very aggressive manner
and deliberately threw me to the floor.
At the same time, I was viciously
attacked by a soda bottle.
Now, since I had changed
my opinion of Miss Kravitz...
I repaired to her house to further
observe the Stephens' residence.
Now, being a man of thoroughness...
and being trained to disregard
physical danger to my person...
I reentered the Stephens residence
at exactly 1:15 p.m...
at which time I observed
Mrs. Stephens...
break a dish
into numerous pieces...
and then, with some
strange gesture...
put the pieces
into a whole dish again.
And exactly one minute later
I was attacked by a baby carriage...
which pounced up and down
on my abdomen...
causing me
great physical anguish.
Well, sir, it was at this point
that my suspicions were confirmed.
So are mine, Leach. So are mine.
Miss Perkins, if Mr. Leach is not
out of my office in 10 seconds...
have the guards evict him!
Go on, admit it.
You blew another job, didn't you?
Got all tanked up and blew it.
Charmaine, I ain't had
a belt in three days.
- He just wouldn't listen!
- What did I do to deserve this?
I thought I was marrying Peter Gunn.
Instead I end up with Peter Rabbit.
I ain't no rabbit.
To think, I gave up a promising career
in show business for this.
Oh, Charmaine, knock it off.
You was an usherette at the Bijou.
I was second runner-up
to Miss Grapefruit of 1956.
1951! Please.
I don't wanna dwell
on your past glories.
So you wanna talk about my future?
You expect me to spend the rest
of my life sitting in this dump?
Look, I know this ain't the Ritz,
but it certainly ain't no dump!
Looks like the first act
of La Boh?me.
- La what?
- La Boh?me.
It's an opera, stupid. I saw it on TV.
That's all I got to do, watch TV.
Boy, some life I got.
Now, look, honey. I know we ain't
exactly living the life of Riley...
but things are gonna change soon.
I promise you.
You just stick with me, and you're
gonna be dripping in mink and jewels.
Sure I will.
You'll get your witch friend
to make them out of pumpkins, right?
Charmaine, I swear I saw her
do everything I told you she did.
Then you got no problem, have you?
Just get her to witch up
all those things you promised me.
- The goose that laid the golden egg!
- What?
- I gotta go out!
- Where?
- To see our goose.
- What?
Charmaine, we got us a goose.
I wish someone would tell me
what I'd done to deserve this.
All right, Tabatha.
We'll go for a little ride.
There we are.
And you can stay here...
Don't go away.
I don't believe it.
Lady, you better believe it.
You better start being nice to me,
or you'll be in a lot of trouble.
- May I come in?
- Just who are you anyway?
Let me in for one minute,
and I'll tell you.
I figure as soon as you know who I am,
you'll see things my way.
- Okay. You have one minute.
- Thank you.
Hi, kid.
- You stay away from her.
- Take it easy, lady.
There's no reason why you and me
can't become real good friends.
I can think of several.
You got it all wrong, lady.
We could become real good friends
because we could help each other.
You know, you do something for me,
and I do something for you. Right?
What could you possibly do for me?
Let's start with what
you're gonna do for me.
Lady, you're gonna make me
a member of the idle rich.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Also, you have used up 30 seconds.
Okay. I'll get to the point.
I have proof that you're
a full-blooded...
cauldron-stirring witch!
And if you don't give me what I want,
I'm gonna blow the whistle on you.
- Yes.
I'm Harriet Kravitz, Abner's sister.
- It's nice to meet you, Miss Kravitz.
- I thought I'd pop in to say hello...
and to return this saucepan
Gladys borrowed.
Please come in.
- Do excuse the mess.
- That's okay. You go right ahead.
Abner's taken Gladys to spend
a couple of weeks with her mother.
- How nice.
- Not for Abner.
He can't stand her mother.
That's why he's driving back tomorrow.
I'm gonna be keeping house
while Gladys is gone.
Well, if there's anything I can do
to help, you just call me.
Oh, I will. Gladys has told me a lot
about you, Mrs. Stephens.
- Oh, really?
- Oh, nothing bad, you understand.
Just what a good neighbour you are.
- Nothing else at all.
- Glad to hear it.
Anyway, I'm a person who likes
to judge people for themselves.
You always paint in the living room?
Well, Tabatha is asleep upstairs.
I just wanted to be near her
if she cried.
You'll never get two coats of paint
out of that little can.
- No?
- Not unless you're some kind of magi...
What I mean is, you won't even get
one coat of paint out of that.
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Well, that's too bad.
I'll just have to work it out somehow.
Thanks for bringing the saucepan.
You can put it down over there.
Cute.
Isn't that silly?
I walked out with the saucepan.
The chair shrunk.
It wasn't Sanforized.
Miss Kravitz, surely you don't think that
that's the chair you saw a minute ago?
I like them. I like them very much.
Thank you, Mr. Robbins.
As a matter of fact,
I like your entire campaign.
I think Robbins Baby Food Company
and McMann & Tate can do business.
- Right, George?
- The campaign could be quite effective.
Good. We'll start to work
on it right away.
No. I'd like to defer our
final decision for 10 days.
- Ten days?
- You need that much time?
Well, I guess
that's about it, gentlemen.
I may be president of the company, but
Mr. Barkley is in charge of advertising.
And I believe in giving my executives
a completely free hand.
Very commendable attitude,
I'm sure.
George has only been
with us two months.
But he's a young man, new ideas.
He's really been shaking up
us old fuddy-duddies.
I'll contact you in 10 days.
Thank you.
George is a cautious man
and probably just wants time to think.
- I'm sure we can do business, Darrin.
- I hope so.
All right. What did you find out
about Darrin Stephens?
Well, I've been shadowing him
for a week. I also dug into his past.
Mr. Barkley, he's as
clean as a whistle.
You didn't uncover any vices?
- You can't win them all.
- It seems too good to be true.
Mr. Barkley, nobody's got a nose
for dirt like Charlie Leach.
And let me tell you,
this guy makes Mickey Mouse...
seem like Jack the Ripper.
Can I have my money now?
You'll get paid
when the job is finished.
Finished? You want me to investigate
that Stephens some more?
- No, his wife.
- His wife?
Leach, this company
sells baby food.
It's imperative that the character
of our representatives...
be wholesome, unblemished,
and above all, normal.
This applies to their wives too.
I'll start with the neighbours.
They usually clam up...
but sometimes you come up
with a live one.
Do you want me to start at
the beginning or just hop around?
Any way you like, lady.
Well, I've only seen one unusual thing,
but Gladys, my sister-in-law...
has told me of many,
many odd occurrences.
I thought she might be exaggerating.
Now I'm sure she was telling the truth.
Go ahead. You see,
the credit company I work for...
is interested in anything
you've got to say.
Well, there was the time
she made the baby fly.
The baby wanted to go by train?
No, she didn't put the baby on a plane,
she just made it fly upstairs.
And then she had
these green square spots...
and Gladys saw an ostrich
in the living room and...
Am I going too fast for you?
She saw an ostrich in
Mrs. Stephens' living room?
And an elephant, a baby elephant.
I think that came later.
She turned this old man
into an elephant.
Of course, there was something
funny about him too.
He was a wizard
who made flowers dance.
Your sister-in-law told you all this?
Yes. But I believe
everything she said.
She also gave her husband
this long nose and this funny hair.
- Where are you going?
- I've got more than enough to go on.
But there's more, much more.
Wanna hear about when
the bottom half of her disappeared?
Some other time.
Now, you just go to sleep...
and Mommy's gonna plant some
pretty flowers in the garden. Yeah.
Daisies and roses
and all sorts of things.
Oh, dear.
There, that's better.
Hi there. You must be
the little lady of the house.
No, she's asleep in her carriage.
I'm Mrs. Stephens.
Always did like a dame, I mean
a lady, with a good sense of humour.
You can wipe that worried look
right off your pretty little face.
I ain't selling nothing.
I'm doing a little consumer research
on bottle tops.
Well, I'd like to help you,
but I really am rather busy right now.
Oh, this'll just take a jiff.
Before I get your opinion on tops...
I'd like some information
about your...
Did I miss a spot?
Were you working on this
when I rang your doorbell?
- No, I was out back, gardening.
- Gardening?
I like to make things grow.
I really would love to help you,
so could we get on with this?
Sure. Sure, lady.
Say, this is quite a place
you've got here.
- Thanks.
- All paid for?
Does that affect my qualification
to judge bottle tops?
You don't have to hide anything
from me, Mrs. Stephens.
Everything you tell me
is strictly on the q.t.
Thanks.
- Is that your kid?
- No, we rent her by the month.
Funny.
I have this questionnaire here
that I have to fill out.
- Do you drink?
- Well, yes, from time to...
Does it really ask that?
You don't have to answer
if you don't want to.
I can see you take a belt...
I mean, a drink sometimes.
The red nose
is a dead giveaway, huh?
Oh, I noticed the booze over there.
You do, don't you?
Only with my meals.
Drinks with meals.
Mostly at breakfast.
- You drink at breakfast?
- Doesn't everyone?
I mean, it was a bit
of a problem at first.
- Problem?
- Yes.
I didn't know whether you should drink
red wine or white wine with oatmeal.
So I finally compromised
and settled on Scotch.
Breakfast is my favourite meal.
I see.
Any more questions?
I wondered if you had other hobbies
apart from making things grow...
like Bridge, knitting, golf, magic.
Magic? How'd that get in there?
A lot of people go in for magic tricks
in their spare time.
Have you been talking
to Harriet Kravitz?
Never heard of her.
Excuse me.
All right, Tabatha.
Don't you cry anymore.
We'll just take
a little walk over here...
and everything will be all right.
Yes, it will.
Good.
Then there was the time she made
three dresses in 10 seconds.
That was after her husband became
a chimpanzee. Or was that before?
Gladys told me so many things.
Aren't you gonna write
all this down?
I ran out of paper an hour ago.
- Oh, I can get some more.
- I got writer's cramp.
Oh, do you mind if I have
another cup of coffee?
- Right away.
- Is it okay if I use your phone?
- You go right ahead.
- I'd like to call my wife.
She worries about me.
Hello, Charmaine. Charlie here.
I didn't think it was Rock Hudson.
Look, honey, I'm about to wrap up
the wildest case in my whole career.
Boston Blackie has done it again.
I just called to tell you
I'd be late tonight.
And what do you expect me to do?
Sit in this dump and
watch the wallpaper peel?
What kind of a life
do you think this is for me?
I'll tell you what kind of a life it is.
It's a drag.
Now, you'd better get home
or it's goodbye, Charlie.
You don't understand. If I come back
to Mr. Barkley with something hot...
he's liable to put me
on a permanent retainer.
Then I can get you them furs
and jewels you've always wanted.
Don't give me that jazz.
I'm still trying to get the green off
my finger from your wedding ring.
Charmaine, don't give me a hard time.
I've had a rough day.
I've been thrown by a rocking chair
and attacked by a soda bottle.
Charlie, do yourself a favour.
Get off the sauce!
I can't wait until Abner comes home
so you can tell him what you've seen.
Abner never believed Gladys,
you know.
- You do believe her, don't you?
- Look, lady, let me put it this way.
I've got an open mind. I don't know
what's going on over there...
but my nose smells
something weird about her.
My only casserole.
Well...
Sam, are you sure it was
the same man both times?
Positive.
I don't get it. Why would anyone
be interested in you?
I'm sure you don't mean that
the way it sounded.
- You know what I mean.
- Yes.
Maybe he was just nosy.
Yeah, but why would anybody
be snooping around?
Did anything strange happen
when he was in the house?
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I better call the police, have them keep
an eye on the house if he comes back.
I don't think that'll be necessary.
I'm sure we've seen the last of him.
Well, what makes you so sure?
Well...
Suppose you tell me
exactly what happened.
- Suppose I just give you the highlights.
- Why don't you do that.
- The big thing was the baby carriage.
- The baby carriage.
- I made it jump up and down.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
He was under it at the time.
Sam, how many times
have I told you...
Darrin, I don't like anyone
sneaking around Tabatha's carriage.
You are right.
And if you see him sneaking around
Tabatha or her carriage again...
you have my permission to use
any sort of witchcraft you like.
- Does that make you feel better?
- Much.
Good. Now, why don't you
finish dinner.
- I got about half an hour's work ahead.
- Okay.
- Oh, great.
- What?
I just remembered I left the car
outside with the top down.
- You go and work. I'll do it.
- Don't you think that nose...
- has been overworked today?
- I wasn't gonna use my nose.
- What then?
- My feet.
Feet?
An old-fashioned trick called walking.
Easy when you get the hang of it.
That's my girl.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Okay, baby carriage.
Move.
Pretty please. Move?
Come on, pretty please.
Pretty please.
I did it! I did it!
Hi there.
All right. Just what are you after?
My cat escaped, and I thought
I saw it come in here.
- What's your cat's name?
- My cat... Oh, Pussy. Pussy, that's it.
Here, Pussy, Pussy.
Here, Pussy, Pussy, Pussy.
Where are you,
Pussy, Pussy, Pussy?
Look, I don't know who you are
or what you want...
but I think I ought to warn you.
If you ever come near
this house again...
some terrible things
are gonna happen to you.
Now, look, lady,
you better listen to me.
I know who you are,
I just ain't sure what you are.
But one thing you better know...
Charlie Leach is used to
all sorts of danger, see?
And nothing you can do
can scare me.
- You wanna bet?
- Forget it, lady. I don't scare easy.
Right now, I'm gonna go out there
and call a taxi and go home.
My pussycat may be there by now.
Taxi! Taxi!
Now get a grip on yourself, kid.
Try to think what James Bond
would do in a situation like this.
He'd keep calm, that's what.
So...
keep calm.
Help! Help!
Why are you wearing
that ridiculous muffler?
Oh, you'd be wearing
a muffler too, Mr. Barkley...
if you had spent all night on a ledge
outside of an office 40 stories high.
What were you doing there?
If you let me finish,
you'll see the pieces fall together.
At 11:47, I looked into the window
of the Stephens' residence...
and I observed a tiny
rocking chair 4 inches tall.
Ten seconds later, I was admitted
into the Stephens' residence...
and now saw the chair full size.
Upon subtle questioning about
the change in the size of the chair...
Mrs. Stephens admitted she, quote,
"liked to make things grow," unquote.
Well, my trained investigator's mind
put two and two together...
- and I came up with the answer.
- Five?
Sir, I deduced that there was something
very queer about Mrs. Stephens.
Until 11:53, when I was
left alone with said chair...
upon which I proceeded
to investigate further.
Now, when I lowered
my person onto the chair...
it acted in a very aggressive manner
and deliberately threw me to the floor.
At the same time, I was viciously
attacked by a soda bottle.
Now, since I had changed
my opinion of Miss Kravitz...
I repaired to her house to further
observe the Stephens' residence.
Now, being a man of thoroughness...
and being trained to disregard
physical danger to my person...
I reentered the Stephens residence
at exactly 1:15 p.m...
at which time I observed
Mrs. Stephens...
break a dish
into numerous pieces...
and then, with some
strange gesture...
put the pieces
into a whole dish again.
And exactly one minute later
I was attacked by a baby carriage...
which pounced up and down
on my abdomen...
causing me
great physical anguish.
Well, sir, it was at this point
that my suspicions were confirmed.
So are mine, Leach. So are mine.
Miss Perkins, if Mr. Leach is not
out of my office in 10 seconds...
have the guards evict him!
Go on, admit it.
You blew another job, didn't you?
Got all tanked up and blew it.
Charmaine, I ain't had
a belt in three days.
- He just wouldn't listen!
- What did I do to deserve this?
I thought I was marrying Peter Gunn.
Instead I end up with Peter Rabbit.
I ain't no rabbit.
To think, I gave up a promising career
in show business for this.
Oh, Charmaine, knock it off.
You was an usherette at the Bijou.
I was second runner-up
to Miss Grapefruit of 1956.
1951! Please.
I don't wanna dwell
on your past glories.
So you wanna talk about my future?
You expect me to spend the rest
of my life sitting in this dump?
Look, I know this ain't the Ritz,
but it certainly ain't no dump!
Looks like the first act
of La Boh?me.
- La what?
- La Boh?me.
It's an opera, stupid. I saw it on TV.
That's all I got to do, watch TV.
Boy, some life I got.
Now, look, honey. I know we ain't
exactly living the life of Riley...
but things are gonna change soon.
I promise you.
You just stick with me, and you're
gonna be dripping in mink and jewels.
Sure I will.
You'll get your witch friend
to make them out of pumpkins, right?
Charmaine, I swear I saw her
do everything I told you she did.
Then you got no problem, have you?
Just get her to witch up
all those things you promised me.
- The goose that laid the golden egg!
- What?
- I gotta go out!
- Where?
- To see our goose.
- What?
Charmaine, we got us a goose.
I wish someone would tell me
what I'd done to deserve this.
All right, Tabatha.
We'll go for a little ride.
There we are.
And you can stay here...
Don't go away.
I don't believe it.
Lady, you better believe it.
You better start being nice to me,
or you'll be in a lot of trouble.
- May I come in?
- Just who are you anyway?
Let me in for one minute,
and I'll tell you.
I figure as soon as you know who I am,
you'll see things my way.
- Okay. You have one minute.
- Thank you.
Hi, kid.
- You stay away from her.
- Take it easy, lady.
There's no reason why you and me
can't become real good friends.
I can think of several.
You got it all wrong, lady.
We could become real good friends
because we could help each other.
You know, you do something for me,
and I do something for you. Right?
What could you possibly do for me?
Let's start with what
you're gonna do for me.
Lady, you're gonna make me
a member of the idle rich.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Also, you have used up 30 seconds.
Okay. I'll get to the point.
I have proof that you're
a full-blooded...
cauldron-stirring witch!
And if you don't give me what I want,
I'm gonna blow the whistle on you.