Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 29 - Disappearing Samantha - full transcript

- Sam!
- Oh, out here, honey.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.

Hello, young lady. How are you?

How are you?

You promised to clean out
the garage.

Oh, honey, I'm afraid it'll have to wait.
I've gotta go to a lecture.

Lecture?

He's our client.
He has a new book coming out...

and we'll be handling the promotion
and his lecture tour.

Were you planning to go alone?

Oh, no, Larry and Louise will be
stopping by to pick me up.



We'll be going to
the afternoon lecture.

What's he lecturing about?

Nothing you'd be interested in.

Try me.

Okay.

The title is Witchcraft of the World:
Fact and Fallacies.

The lecturer wouldn't be,
by any chance...

- Osgood Rightmire, would it?
- You've heard of him.

He's a smug phoney who's been
making a living for years...

telling all sorts of lies
about witches.

Then there's no sense in going
and ruining your afternoon.

I'm going. I wouldn't
miss this for the world.

No, you're not going.

There's no sense in going
and spoiling your whole day.



Oh, Darrin, don't be silly.

He's too ridiculous
to be taken seriously.

I just thought it might be
amusing to hear him.

Couldn't I go if I promised
to be good?

Larry will be picking me up
in half an hour.

- No time to arrange for a babysitter.
- I have an idea.

- If it's what I think...
- Mother!

- Now, wait a minute.
- Mother, could I see you for a moment?

Well, Samantha,
I hope it's something important.

Mother, we have to go out
for a couple of hours.

Would you mind sitting with Tabatha
until we get back?

Well, all right.

I've got to get back to Tokyo
for a few minutes.

A nice young Japanese poet is going
to read me some of his love ballads.

I'll be right back.

She certainly gets around.

Oh, Darrin.

You know, she's really awfully
good about babysitting.

For Mother, that is.

Well, I'll go and change.

- I'm really looking forward to this.
- Remember, you promised to be good.

Aren't I always?

If I say yes, I'll be lying.

If I say no, I'm in trouble.

No comment.

- Come on, honey, we'll be late.
- Coming.

I think Sam will enjoy this.

Osgood Rightmire
is a fascinating man.

Is that so?

Larry says he's considered
the top authority in his field.

- By whom?
- Oh, you know.

Whoever it is who decides
who top authorities are.

He really is highly respected.
He's been all over the world.

To all kinds of exotic places.

He's lived with witch doctors
and voodoo men.

It's been a lifelong study with him.

Oh, well, everyone should
have a hobby.

Maybe you'll get a chance
to talk to him later.

Darrin, I took the liberty of asking him
to join us here after the lecture.

Larry, I don't know.
Maybe he'll be tired.

Oh, goody.

Just think, Darrin, an authority on
witchcraft here in our own little home.

Well, we better get going.
Come on, dear.

Genies, voodoo spirits...

leprechauns, trolls and witches...

are the companions of dull,
primitive and ignorant people.

- Well, that covers me.
- He's insufferable.

Mind you, it's true that
my extensive research...

has uncovered certain
inexplicable events...

that have been attributed
to so-called witches.

However...

after intensive investigation...

I have found that
these manifestations...

are all manufactured
or self-induced.

Believe me, there are no witches.

- Wonderful, isn't he?
- Incredible.

And why do people like
to call themselves witches?

Well, I've met
a great many people...

with so-called supernatural powers
in my time...

and I'll tell you what I found out.

Scratch a witch
and you'll find a neurotic bore...

who has no other claim
to be interesting.

Relax, honey. Just relax.
Relax, honey!

Now, in case there are any
of you in the audience...

who think you are a witch,
let me say this:

Here I am, Osgood Rightmire...

a 20th-century witch-hunter...

and your mortal enemy.

Cast your spells.

Strike me down.

I offer myself as your target.

- Samantha!
- I'm sorry, darling.

It just slipped out.
It won't happen again.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
you may think that I staged that...

but I didn't. It was an accident.

However, that's the way
superstitions start.

If I were a superstitious man...

I would say that a witch did it.

But I would have a remedy.

I would simply say:

Any witches which are here

From this moment disappear

And with that, they would disappear.

- Sam?
- Yes, dear?

- Where are you?
- Well...

It can't be much of a spell.
Louise is still here.

That'll do, hon.

Thanks for the lift, Larry.
We'll see you after dinner.

- I'll bring Bob Andrews, if it's all right.
- Fine.

If he gives us that Rightmire article,
it'll be a big help to the national tour.

Wonderful. Bye-bye.

- See you later.
- So long.

You sure you're all right?

Oh, don't worry, Darrin.
It was just that one time.

I'm sure it couldn't happen again.

It was pretty scary. How would
he know an incantation like that?

Must've picked it up
in his travels somewhere.

Amateurs shouldn't fool around
with things like that.

Honey, I hate to mention it...

but somebody else
did start the whole thing.

I know. I'm sorry.

- Well, when he's here tonight, no...
- Don't worry, Darrin.

I'll be a good little witch.

Sam? Sam!

- Sam, are you still here?
- I am in spirit, darling.

Right over here.

Would you mind proving it?

Oh, honey. This is a lot
more serious than we thought.

- What are you gonna do about it?
- Mother?

Mother!

You'll wake the baby!
Oh, what a sweet child.

It's a pleasure to be with her.
She slept the whole time.

Mother.

- What's this?
- Samantha!

Samantha?

Mama, I've got a problem.

Mother, have you found
anything yet?

No, there's nothing in here.

Oh, I'll find it, all right.

- How do you feel, sweetheart?
- Well...

Just hang on, darling.
Your lips feel funny.

That's because you kissed me
on the eye.

- Do something!
- Oh, it's your fault.

How could you expose your wife to
a dangerous fanatic like Rightmire?

Wait a minute.
I didn't want her to go. She insisted.

Oh, I was under the impression
that you were the head of the house.

This is no time to bicker.
Do you know how to stop it?

Can you remember
what Rightmire said?

No. It didn't even sound like
an authentic incantation.

That's bad, huh?

Oh, I've seen some cases
that would make your hair turn blue.

Well, I'll just have to borrow
some more books from Aunt Clara.

Oh, my stars!

Well, it must be
some exotic incantation.

And since it was executed
by an amateur...

well, it can't be that powerful.

I'll just have to do
some more research.

- Hey, I made a comeback.
- Thank goodness.

Hey, I don't know how long
it's gonna last.

In the meantime,
put a cold compress on your head...

take two aspirin...

and above all, keep yourself warm.

- Any symptoms?
- Not yet.

Darrin, could I have
a drink of water?

Sure thing, honey.

Darrin.

Sam!

Endora!

- When did it happen?
- Just now.

I wish you could remember a little
more of what that simpleton said.

What did it sound like?

I wasn't listening. It was those
ibbety-bibbety-sibbety-sab things...

"Out goes Y-O-U,"
and out she went.

Oh, you're a great help.

Try to remember
so I'll know where to look.

Mother, it was one of those things
I've never heard before.

I'll go down and ask Rightmire.
It's as simple as that.

You should've
thought of that sooner.

I'll catch him before
the evening lecture.

Well, don't trust your human memory.
Write it down!

You missed.

- Well, here I am again.
- Oh, darling, sit down.

Everything's going to be
all right, dear.

Mother's here.

I was particularly impressed...

with the way you handled
that situation when...

Well, you know.

Thank you, but I'd rather not be
reminded. I warned the management.

They better fix that platform,
or they'll have a lawsuit.

The way you leaped right up and
turned it into a point in your lecture.

Any witches which are here...
Something or other... Disappear

What'd you say first?

Mr. Stephens, my contract
in this town is for two lectures.

I do not intend to give a third
in my dressing room.

I thought I might use it
for a publicity release.

But you have my colourful personality
to work with, Stephens.

What else do you want?

Besides, the spell will be in my book
which is coming out next month...

and I do not believe in giving away
anything for nothing.

- But, Mr. Rightmire, I believe that...
- Thank you for dropping by, Stephens.

You will be at our house tonight
after the lecture, won't you?

Possibly. Who else will be there?

Mr. Andrews, the editor
of Pictorial Week.

All right, Stephens.

Rightmire should be through
with his lecture about now.

We're anxious for you to meet him,
Mr. Andrews.

I wonder if he does that business
of tripping at each performance.

Of course he does.
It was so obviously staged.

Didn't you think so, Sam?

Yes, yes, of course.

He kidded about the accident
being caused by a witch...

and then he recited a spell
to send the witch into limbo.

I wonder if he'd tell me his secret.

I have a few relatives
I'd like to make disappear.

The entire lecture
sounds like nonsense.

I found it quite interesting.
Didn't you, Samantha?

- Where did Samantha go?
- She was here just a second ago.

I wonder where she disappeared to.

- What happened?
- I ran into some thick air.

I'll take a look in the kitchen.
That's probably where she is.

The kitchen.

Honey.

Honey, are you in here?

Yes, dear.

- Well, where are you?
- I'm right here.

Honey, try to hold on until
Rightmire gets here.

Then everything will be all right.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Mr. Rightmire.

Oh, no, Mr. Rightmire...

But, Mr. Rightmire,
we're all expecting you.

I'm terribly sorry
to disappoint you, Stephens...

but I'm rather tired...

and I have some important
research to do tonight.

Yes. Well, please extend my apologies
to whoever it may concern, all right?

Goodbye.

Now, my dear...

- I'm all yours.
- Oh, Mr. Rightmire.

- Osgood.
- I's good too.

Oh, no, my dear.
Osgood is my first name.

What's yours?

Beverly. And I'm thrilled,
just thrilled to meet you.

Well, it was most sweet of you
to come backstage...

and say such nice things
about my modest little effort.

Oh, it wasn't modest at all.

It was what you were talking about
that just drives me crazy.

It's so... So...

- Fascinating?
- No, spooky.

But, Mother, we have to get him here
to find out what the spell was.

Don't worry, dear.
Osgood Rightmire will be here.

- How can you be so sure?
- Why, his research will bring him here.

Right to Morning Glory Circle.

But...

Let me concentrate.

I thought we might go to some
nice, intimate little club...

and get to know
each other better, what?

Oh, that sounds just marvey.
And I know just the place.

Good. Where is it?

On Morning Glory Circle.

Well, lead the way.

Maybe we should've
picked Mr. Rightmire up.

He might've gotten lost.

Not a chance, I assure you.

How can you be so sure?

Mother means that any man
who has hacked his way...

through mysterious jungles
shouldn't have a problem.

He'll be here any minute now.

Is something wrong with the engine?

What does it sound like?

Well, I'm not mechanical.

That, my dear,
is a matter of opinion.

Where's this club
you were telling me about?

I don't know.

Well, why did you say
it was here?

I don't know.

Well, I'll just go in the house
and call the auto club.

It's cold out here.
Can I come with you?

Oh, very well.

Oh, pardon me. My car...

Mr. Rightmire. How nice
of you to come.

Stephens.

I decided my research could wait.

Well, good, good.

And I brought along my niece
who lives here in the town.

- Beverly...?
- Niece?

- Beverly Niece.
- No, Beverly Wilson.

Beverly Wilson.

This is Mr. Darrin Stephens.

- Well, hello there.
- How do you do?

We were afraid you couldn't
find the place.

There's some people here who
are very anxious to meet you.

Won't you come in?

One word out of you
and I'll kill you.

I was having a drink with a major near
the officers' mess in Bonga-Bonga...

and the door opened and in came
this diminutive colonel...

approximately 9 inches high.
Immaculately dressed in every way.

He swarmed up the stool
to the bar and ordered a drink.

The major said
to the colonel, he said:

"Colonel, tell Mr. Osgood about the
time you fell out with a witch doctor."

- Can I freshen anybody's drinks?
- No, thank you.

Well, this has been most interesting,
Mr. Rightmire.

Thank you, Mr. Andrews.

Of course, it's only one of many stories
I have concerning witchcraft.

- Fascinating, Mrs. Stephens?
- Yes, indeed.

I could listen to him
all night, couldn't you?

Well, perhaps not quite...

Honey.

Pass me the ashtray,
would you, Beverly, dear?

Yes, sir.

I've been away for several years...

and I'm afraid my niece is
a little awed by her illustrious uncle.

- Isn't that it, dear?
- Yes, Uncle Rightmire.

- Osgood.
- Who?

Mr. Rightmire, I'd like to do
an article on you and your work.

I was telling him about the way you
handled that situation this afternoon.

Oh, that.

Yes, he was positively wonderful.

You bet.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Osgood.

I'm particularly interested
in witchcraft, Mr. Rightmire.

What was the spell you put
on the witches in the audience?

An ancient peasant incantation
I translated from the Hungarian.

Yes, we were trying to remember it.
How does it go?

As a publisher, I'm sure Mr. Andrews
will appreciate the answer...

that I gave
to your son-in-law earlier:

Read my book.

He's absolutely right.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Mother?

Mother!

He did it to me.

And without the incantation.

Mother, where are you?

Here I am.

Mother, he's a warlock.

He could be.

Yes, he certainly could be.

And we've got to find out.

We'll just have to give him
the ordeal by fire.

But how, and with what?

The most simple test is
to give him a glass of cayenne...

red peppers, hot sauce
and a little tomato juice.

Of course. If he can drink that,
he's a warlock, all right.

I was in a village in darkest Africa...

investigating some strange
voodoo rites...

and the chief came up
to me and said...

Excuse me.

After midnight, everyone.
Time for bloody marys.

- Oh, that's a marvellous idea.
- Fine.

Oh, thank you, Endora.

Thank you very much.

Well, here's to the success
of your book, Mr. Rightmire.

Thank you.

Cayenne and red pepper?
What for? You almost killed him.

To prove he isn't a warlock.

He doesn't even know
what he's doing.

He's a stupid bungler.

- Mother.
- What?

Maybe he has a charm,
a talisman of some sort...

that he doesn't know
anything about.

Yes. Yes, that has to be it.

- All right, back to the living room.
- Yes.

Really, I'm awfully sorry,
Mr. Rightmire.

I hope you're feeling better.

- Fine, thank you.
- I made you a fresh one.

No more, dear lady, no more.

Incidentally, I'm sure none of you know
this, but the bayou folk of Louisiana...

use cayenne and red peppers
as a test for warlocks.

That's a rather interesting ring,
Mr. Rightmire.

Where did you get it?

From an old mystic who lived
at the headwaters of the Nile.

- May I see it?
- This ring never leaves my finger.

Except for you, dear lady.

Did you see that?
It practically jumped out of my hand.

- Mother, I'm getting that feeling again.
- Me too. Come on.

It can't have gone very far.
No, I thought...

- Look above your hand.
- You looking under the sofa?

It's got to be in this room.

All right. You first, dear.

Thank you, Mother.

It's too dangerous to be
in the hands of an amateur.

- Well, we can't let him have it back.
- No.

He'll never know the difference.

Come on.

Is this the ring you're looking for?

Yes. Where did you find it?

In the kitchen.
It must've rolled there.

It's a busy little ring, isn't it?

Yes, well, I'd better be toddling along.
I have to get Miss Wilson back home.

I'm sure your little niece
isn't used to being out so late.

Hey, what about the car,
Uncle Rightmire?

Oh, yes, of course.
The auto club.

Oh, doesn't it work?

Why don't you try it again.

Yes.

Yes, I'll do that.

Well, Mrs. Stephens,
thank you so much.

Oh, no, Mr. Rightmire.

Thanks to you, we've had
an enchanting evening.

So be it.

Let me sum up by saying what
you've all heard many times before:

Discount coincidence,
discredit fate...

dispense with superstition...

and you'll be secure, as I am...

in the conviction that there is
no such thing as witchcraft.

Mr. Rightmire? Mr. Rightmire?

Ta-ta.