Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 28 - Double Split - full transcript

- You almost ready, honey?
- Be right there.

We don't want to be late. I promised
Larry we'd be there at 7 sharp.

We will be.

I don't mean to rush you,
sweetheart.

It's just that it takes women longer
to get dressed than it does men.

Oh, and, honey, be particularly nice
to Miss Kabaker, will you?

I'll kill her with kindness.

You know what an important client
Mr. Kabaker is.

His daughter carries
a lot of weight with him.

I understand.

So if she has a good time,
then he will too.



Of course.

It'll mean a lot to Larry
and the agency.

How are you doing, sweetheart?
We better get going.

Oh, I'm hurrying, sweetheart.

Hey, you're getting faster.
I only beat you by a handkerchief.

I saved a lot of time
by taking a shower with my dress on.

- Well, let's go.
- Darrin?

Nice party, isn't it?

I'll say.

Another mad whirl with the jet set.

Mind if we borrow you
for a moment, J.K.?

Oh, excuse me, dear.

We'll bring your father right back,
Miss Kabaker.

Just a little dull business.



So is this party.

I'm sure it always seems that way
when you don't know many people.

That's why I hate affairs like this.

Just because somebody
handles your father's account...

you have to mingle
like you had something in common.

It must be very trying.

But you certainly chose a lovely dress
for the occasion.

It's not difficult when one has taste,
Mrs. Stubbins.

Stephens.

My compliments on your dress,
Mrs. Stephens.

Thank you.

It's really difficult to tell
those inexpensive copies...

from the originals nowadays.

- Do you know Dr. Hafta, dear?
- I beg your pardon?

Dr. Hafta, the plastic surgeon.
Does beautiful nose work.

No, I don't know him.

It's funny. I could've sworn
when you...

Oh, well. Excuse me.

No, thank you.

What's the matter, darling?

You look like Darrin just cancelled
all your charge accounts.

I shouldn't let it bother me, I guess.

That Miss Kabaker is the most
disagreeable little snob I've ever met.

Well, cheer up. There's always
a sour meatball in the chafing dish.

Maybe she'll get it.

Go on over.

Please.

Have you tried the meatballs?

No, I never eat them myself.

Well, I hope I'll be
seeing more of you.

Maybe we could get together
for lunch some afternoon.

You think about food a lot,
don't you?

- Well, no, I...
- I wish I could be like you.

Carefree, not give a darn
what my figure looks like.

- What's the matter?
- You threw it at me.

Good heavens.

She did it.
She deliberately threw that at me.

Never mind, daughter.
I'll take you home.

Really, Larry, the conduct of some of
your guests leaves a lot to be desired.

I'm sorry, J.K.

I'm sure Mrs. Stephens
wouldn't do anything like that.

- She threw the thing at me.
- It was an accident.

I'll call you...

"Nothing," she says.
One little favour I ask you to do.

And what do you do?

You wiggle that beak of yours
and really cause trouble.

The least you could've done
was ignore her.

You're a great
little helpmate, you are.

Always anxious to help
your husband's career.

Darrin, you didn't speak to me
all the way home in the car...

would you please show me
the same courtesy now?

Gladly. Good night.

Good night.

And another thing.
I'll tell you when we're not talking.

I wear the pants in this family.

Says you.

Says me.

And I'll say one more thing.

- What?
- Now we're not talking.

Now you're talking.

Hi, Larry.

I guess you're still
pretty upset about last night.

I passed upset
at 3:00 this morning.

Right now, I'm up to homicidal.

Mr. Kabaker was
pretty mad last night.

Wonder what he's thinking
this morning.

I know what I'm thinking.

But I'm too much of a gentleman
to use certain phrases about a woman.

So let's put it this way:

If I saw that your wife was
going to be hit by a falling safe...

I'd just stand there and smile.

Larry, that's not very nice.

I passed nice at 2:00 this morning...

right after Kabaker phoned
to cancel the account.

Fortunately, I was able
to talk him out of it.

I'm sorry about that...

but Sam was provoked
into doing what she did.

It was thoughtless and inexcusable.

- A child would've had more sense.
- Wait a minute.

Kabaker's daughter deserved it.
She's a sarcastic snob.

Her father ought to wash her mouth
with that crummy detergent he makes.

That crummy detergent
happens to keep us in business.

Sure, Miss Kabaker
can do no wrong...

as long as her father's got
wall-to-wall money.

If you were a billionaire,
Samantha still acted like a child.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

At least she could've used
a little discretion, like my wife.

Larry.

I've got news for you.

That wife of yours has come up
with a few nuggets herself.

Oh, really?

If we're talking about boners,
let's get all the names on the list.

Name me just one boner
that Louise ever pulled. Just one.

The time she thought
the client's wife was his mother.

The time she forgot
the theatre tickets.

- There was...
- I said one.

So don't go making cracks
about my wife.

Just worry about that cuckoo
that you're married to.

Well...

if Louise is such a drag, you don't
have to associate with her anymore.

Agreed. And you can consider
Samantha off-limits too.

In fact, you don't have
to associate with me anymore.

Well, let's add my vote to
that proposal and make it unanimous.

Great. Keep your big, flat feet
out of my office...

- and I'll keep mine out of yours.
- I'll go you one better.

I'll keep my feet and everything
attached to them out of the building.

- I quit.
- Good.

You just saved me two weeks
severance pay.

Cheap. Cheap, cheap.

Hi.

I thought I heard you come in.
What are you doing home?

I got sick.

- Sick?
- Of working. I quit.

Quit?

Quit. Evacuated the premises.

Ceased working. Hit the road.

What happened?

I shouldn't be telling you this.

- Why not?
- Because we're not talking.

Well, if we were talking...

did it have anything to do
with what happened last night?

Larry and I got into an argument...

and he said some things
about you I didn't like.

You said some pretty unkind things
about me yourself.

That's different. I'm your husband.

I appreciate your defending me.
But whatever he said, he was right.

And so were you.

I should've had
more control last night.

Well, Kabaker's daughter
deserved it.

Well, I still could've ignored her.

I wouldn't let you ignore her.
You did the right thing.

Darrin, when you pick a side,
will you please stick with it?

It's over and done with.

I've got another job lined up. I've
gotta hurry over to an interview.

Another job?
Darrin, that's ridiculous.

Ridiculous? Ames Advertising has had
feelers out for me for a long time.

Well, they're gonna get me.

I hope you don't get it.

I can't miss.
I'm the perfect man for the job.

Louise, it's ridiculous.

Larry and Darrin
are simply being stubborn.

We have to figure out
a way to get them together.

Agreed. Larry always did have
a stubborn streak.

Like when we were dating.

I knew that if I was the first to mention
the word "marriage," I was dead.

How did you finally get
the idea across?

One night he blew a smoke ring...

I stuck my finger through it
and said, "I do."

Oh, men are such little boys, really.
They don't know what's good for them.

Right.

And it's up to us to show them that
they can live happy, contented lives...

even if it makes them miserable.

How do we get our two mules together
when they're not even talking?

Do you have any ideas?

It's very simple really.

The way to unite people
is to give them a common enemy.

Well, I'll buy that.

Now, in Darrin and Larry's case
the common enemy will be us.

Us?

- You mean a war of the sexes?
- Oh, no, no.

Not an all out war. Just a skirmish.

We'll not only get them together,
we'll teach them a lesson.

So, what's your plan?
I can't wait to hear it.

- Well...
- Oh, I just had a terrible thought.

- What?
- It's too late.

You said Darrin was
taking that other job.

I wouldn't worry about that.

Darrin doesn't have a chance
of landing that job...

with Ames Advertising.

How can you be so sure?

I'm a witch.

You said it, honey. I didn't.

How about that.

Now...

Stephens, I'm very glad
you could get in to see us.

Was the traffic bad?

No. Actually, I came in
on the choo-choo.

- Choo-choo?
- I meant the train.

I hadn't eaten, so it gave me a chance
to relax and have my din-din.

I see.

Food's really quite good.

Of course, nobody can cook
like my mummy. Mommy. Mother.

She really knows how
to fill your tum-tum.

Yes.

Stephens, your credentials
are most impressive.

You know, I always say that all horses
have teeth and a tail.

But it's that old track record
that makes thoroughbreds.

Stephens.

What are you doing?

I'm sucking my thumb.

Sucking your thumb?

Yes. I always suck my thumb
when I'm afraid.

- You're joking.
- Oh, no, no.

I wish I had my teddy bear.

Mr. Stephens, I'm sorry,
but this interview is over.

Oh, Mr. Ames,
I don't know what to say.

- This isn't me.
- I don't care.

Whoever it is,
his interview is at an end.

Mr. Ames, please,
if you'll just let me explain.

There's some reason,
for this going on...

I made a boo-boo.

Get out of my sight!

Mr. Ames, it's like some strange force
got ahold of me. It's...

Samantha!

Out!

I believe this is yours.

Samantha!

I have a strong feeling
Bad words will fly

Your daddy just came home
With blood in his eyes

Samantha! Where are you?

Well, Tabatha, time for beddy-bye.

Now, I'm gonna do
something to your daddy...

that you're too little to understand.

But it's for his own good.

Sam!

Wish me luck.

Sam, where are you?

- Come out here and face me.
- Yes?

You've been sticking your nose
where it doesn't belong again.

- Don't try to deny it.
- All right, I won't.

Come on, Sam. Don't make me
drag it out of you. Just...

You admit it?

I only did it to save you from making
the biggest mistake of your life.

That I did on a day long ago...

which we now laughingly call
our anniversary.

Go ahead, rave on. Let me know when
the steam comes out of your nose.

You can help with the ironing.

When will you learn to stop
meddling in my business?

When you learn to conduct it better.

Oh, well, I can't be doing too bad.

You've got a lovely house,
a nice car, lovely clothes.

But to you, I suppose,
I'm still a big dumb-head?

- I didn't say that.
- But you're thinking it.

- Go ahead, out with it.
- Really, Darrin.

- Go ahead, say it.
- Okay.

You're a big dumb-head.

You're calling me names now.

When you talk like that,
you are a dumb-head.

- I'll tell you one more thing...
- Hold it. Hold it. Stop the world.

We are about to get the word
from the high lama.

If you had any sense, you would
get down on your hands and knees...

and crawl back to Larry Tate
and beg his forgiveness.

Me, crawl?

Well, we both know that without him
you'd be nothing.

He taught you everything you know.

He taught me? Well, that does it.
That really does it.

Excuse me, I have to fix dinner.

Don't bother setting a place for me
because I'll be eating out.

Good, more for me.

And don't bother turning down
my side of the bed...

because I'll be sleeping
on the sofa.

As long as you're eating out,
why don't you sleep out too?

What?

Sam, this isn't like you.

It is now.

Well, then I'll do just that.

As of now, my address is the club.

What do you think of that?

I think I better call you a cab.

I'll need the car for shopping.

Louise?

Anybody home?

Hi, dear.

I know all about it.
I spoke to Samantha.

Figures.

It's none of my business...

but you're being
stubborn about this thing.

I agree.

- That you're being stubborn?
- That it's none of your business.

You got a bicarbonate?

I've got a knot in my stomach.

You've also got one in your head.

Well, I've got news for you,
tinted-top...

I run my business the way I see fit.

And I don't need any suggestions
from the corset crowd.

Be my guest, Snow White.

And let me drop another thought
on your pointed, little ears.

Some men are fortunate enough
to have wives...

that are understanding
and sympathetic.

After a hard day in the rat race...

they don't have to come home
to a mouse that roars.

I believe the last word
is my prerogative...

so I'll take it.

If I were you, I'd crawl to Darrin
on my hands and knees...

and beg his forgiveness.

- Me crawl?
- Oh, come on, Larry.

We both know it's
his brilliant mind...

that made you everything
you are today.

Without him you'd be nothing.

Are you serious?

Well, let's face it.

I married you, Larry, but you're not
the smartest man in the world.

- Louise.
- Yes?

Louise.

You wanna try for double-or-nothing
on my last name?

The discussion is at an end.

Fine. I'll get dinner.

Or would you prefer to eat out?

That's the best idea
you've had in years.

Nag, nag, nag. Yakety-yak-yak.

If you feel that way about it...

you'd be better off
where you can't hear my voice.

- Louise, you're driving me to the club.
- I don't have time.

Here are your keys.
Drive yourself.

Desk.

Could you tell me if Mr. Darrin
Stephens has checked in yet?

He has.

What room is he in?

He's in 909.
Would you like me to ring him?

Oh, no. No, don't bother.

Oh, Mr. Larry Tate
will be arriving very soon.

I'm sure you'll
make him comfortable.

Eddie, can I have
a room for the night?

Yes, sir, Mr. Tate. Room 909.

- I'll ring for a bellboy.
- Don't bother.

- Larry.
- What are you doing here?

- I might ask you the same question.
- It's none of your business.

They got our rooms mixed up.
I'll get another one.

Don't tell me you had
a fight with Louise.

That's my business.

I suppose you had
a fight with Samantha.

That's my business.
What's the matter with you?

How could you walk out
on a great girl like Louise?

How could you run out
on a marvellous girl like Samantha?

- I thought you didn't like Samantha.
- I thought you didn't like Louise.

- What gave you that idea?
- Your big mouth.

I said those things in anger.
You should've known.

So did I.

And if you weren't so thick-headed,
you'd know I'm crazy about Sam.

Larry, we're a couple of numskulls.

You said it.

- I'm sorry, Lar...
- I'm sorry, Dar...

Well, now we can enjoy
our newfound bachelorhood together.

Right.

- Freedom. It's wonderful.
- It's marvellous.

Do anything we want.
No one to answer to.

Play poker. Go bowling.

Golf every weekend.
More time at the club.

Yeah.

I hate poker and bowling.

Golf gives me the hives.

This place is depressing.

Darrin?

Yeah?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so.

Last one packed pays for the room.

Wouldn't you know it, Louise's car.

Figures. She was miserable
at home without me.

Poor kids.

Must be crying
on each other's shoulders.

- Oh, thanks, Larry.
- You're welcome.

Well, look who's back.
The freedom fighters.

Have some champagne.
We're celebrating.

Louise, we're going home.

- Oh, really, Larry.
- Louise.

Nag, nag, nag.

Louise, don't forget
your Ouija board.

- Wasn't that fun?
- Fascinating.

Goodnight, Samantha.

- Night, Darrin.
- Night, Larry. Louise.

- Night, Samantha.
- Night-night.

Did I just detect a sly smile
on your upper lip?

Smile?

It suddenly occurs to me
that it's more than coincidence...

that Larry and I
ended up in the same room.

Stranger things have happened.

Especially in this house.
And I'll tell you something else:

If you've been meddling
with your witchcraft again...

I couldn't care less.

Now let me tell you something.

If you think you can walk back through
that door and all is forgiven...

you're absolutely right.

Sam, isn't it amazing
how stupid a man can be?

Oh, yes.
You certainly were, sweetheart.

I meant Larry.