Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 27 - The Leprechaun - full transcript

Anybody home?

Yes, sweetheart.
We're in the kitchen.

Darrin, dear, this is Brian O'Brian.

Well, well, Darrin me boy.

I've been looking forward
to this moment, that I have.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Samantha is grand. Just grand.

Brian is a leprechaun.

A leprechaun. Yes, of course.
May I speak to you for a minute, dear?

- He just got over from Ireland.
- How about that?

As I said, Samantha is grand.



Samantha.

- Will you excuse me a minute, Brian?
- Dear lady, I'll excuse you anything.

As your husband and the head
of this house...

it's no more than common courtesy
that you forewarn me.

I know, dear.

Now, I've put up with elves,
warlocks and poltergeists.

But this leprechaun relative
of yours is just too much.

Darrin, he's not a relative of mine.

Relative, friend of family,
it's all the same thing.

He's not a friend of my family.

- He's not?
- No.

He's a friend of your family.

We're very happy
to have you, Brian.

Well, where else do you go
but to friends in time of trouble.



- Trouble?
- I knew it.

The very gravest kind
of trouble for a leprechaun.

My last pot of gold
was stolen by an American.

Your last?

Well, every leprechaun has a few
hidden here and there in Ireland.

Two of mine were lost
when they drained some bogs...

and bulldozed them for
a real-estate development.

And then there were a couple
I lost on some confusing weekends.

The last one I hid behind a stove...

in the fireplace
of the old Rafferty cottage.

They were dear friends
and neighbours of the O'Brians.

Well, then along comes this rich
American and buys the cottage...

and moves the fireplace
to the United States...

before I can blink me eyes.

Before you could
open them, you mean?

- The whole fireplace?
- Bodily.

Cobwebs, soot
and my last pot of gold.

Oh, Brian, that's awful.

All your magical powers
must have gone with it.

I'm no more than a shadow
of me former self.

- How can we help you, Brian?
- Samantha!

Well, Darrin, he has to find
his pot of gold.

Samantha, no witchcraft.
You know how I feel about that.

Yes, dear, I know,
but I can't get it for him anyhow.

It's leprechaun gold.
It has a charm on it. I can't move it.

Oh, I'll have to get it meself.

Now, the name of the party
is James Dennis Robinson...

and he lives somewhere
close by here.

Anyone that can move an entire
fireplace from Ireland to America...

must be a very wealthy man.

Brian, you must be
very tired from your trip.

That I am. And the time change
has me a little bewildered.

You go up to the guest room
and make yourself comfortable.

Thank you. I'll rest easy now knowing
you're worrying about me problem.

Good night, cousin.

Oh, my. It is nice having one
of your relatives here for a change.

Samantha, he is not related to me.

He's just a figment of the imagination
of my Irish ancestors.

Maybe so, but that figment
just went to bed with your bottle.

All right.

I just have time to get a credit rating
on this nonexistent pot-of-gold thief.

That's a good boy.

Hello, Miss Spence. This is
Darrin Stephens of McMann & Tate.

Would you see if you have anything
on James Dennis Robinson?

Thank you very much.
I'll hang on.

Prepare yourself for the death
of a very picturesque lie.

Never hurts to ask.

Yes, Miss Spence.

What?

I see. I need a pencil.

Is that so? That's very interesting.

May I please have
that address again?

Seven...

Thank you, Miss Spence.
Thank you very much.

Are you gonna tell me
or do you want me to guess?

Well, all right. It just so happens
there is a James Dennis Robinson...

and he owns
Westchester Consolidated Mills.

- You've heard of the company?
- They're a large outfit.

And they don't do any advertising.

Every agency is dying
to get their account.

- And he lives near here?
- Right.

And he has a fireplace
with a pot of gold in it?

Credit agencies don't give out
that kind of information.

Well, when you go to see him
tomorrow, take a look around for it.

I will.

It's an interesting coincidence,
your coming by to see me.

I have been considering
changing my policy...

- and doing some advertising.
- Oh, good.

But I'll tell you something else.

I have no intention of giving
my account to McMann & Tate.

You're just not big enough for me.

Oh, size is no indication
of quality, Mr. Robinson.

You're right.

Being little doesn't necessarily
make you good.

That's what you meant, isn't it?

All we want is an opportunity
to show you what we've done...

and what we think
we can accomplish for you.

Now, your first advertising campaign
should have real importance.

Something different.

What's the matter with you,
young man?

Are you nervous or afraid
to look me in the eye?

Not at all, sir.
I was just admiring your fireplace.

You've got good taste.

This fireplace came from Ireland.

I got it in a little cottage
in County Cork.

Had it shipped over here.

This fireplace is over 200 years old.
That's all hand-hewn rock.

Is that so?

Get your hand off of there!

That's the original soot on there!
I don't want any fingermarks on it!

I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.

I'm sorry, Stephens.
I didn't mean to be so sharp.

But this fireplace
is my pride and joy.

Yes, sir.

To me it's worth its weight in gold.

Just because there's a fireplace...

doesn't mean there's
any pot of gold in it.

Oh, it's there all right.

The only pot of gold I'm sure is there
is his advertising account.

It's gonna be a lot tougher
to get than yours.

Darrin, me boy, you helped me,
I'll help you.

Do me a favour.
Just stick to leprechauning.

Tell me now...

you wouldn't be having more of this
heart-warming elixir about, would you?

If you'll stop calling me cousin,
I think I can find some.

Oh, that's a terrible
heavy price you're asking.

Oh, but I'll pay.

Brian, when do you plan
to go after your gold?

Well, now, there's a lot imponderables
I have to be pondering upon.

It'd be easy if I had me powers...

but it would be asking
for trouble to go now.

When the moon is new.

Well, isn't it also dangerous to go
when the moon's full?

Not unless he's full too.

He's grand, Samantha, just grand.

I'm pleased and proud
to be able to call him my...

My friend.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.

- Hi. How's Tabatha?
- Oh, just fine. Sleeping like a baby.

Brian's been
entertaining her all day.

Told her about the time that he was
official leprechaun to Queen Victoria.

Yeah, that's a real sleeping pill,
that story.

- What's he doing now?
- Fixing your brown shoes.

- Fixing my shoes?
- Yes.

All leprechauns are shoemakers
by trade or tradition.

He wanted to do
something nice for you.

Darrin, me bucko.

I have a splendid surprise for you.

Your shoes needed fixing,
and I fixed them.

Yes, you fixed them all right.
Yes, indeed.

Wait till you put them on. It'll be
a new experience in walking for you.

I'll fix up where I was working.

He fixed them.

I think I need a tranquilizer or two.

That did it!
That little man has got to go.

- Now, Darrin.
- No argument, Sam!

He's going tonight! Brian!

Anything you say, me boy.
You name it.

After a long discussion, Samantha
and I have decided you're going...

after your pot of gold tonight.

Well, now, maybe it'd be
better tomorrow night.

Somehow I don't have the courage.

I know, you drank it all up!

Well, I'll buy you another bottle,
but you're going tonight!

Allow me to introduce myself, sir.

My name is Brian O'Brian.

To whom do I have
the honour of speaking?

I can't understand what
all the commotion is about.

I merely lost me way
on me way to a fancy dress ball.

You understand how a thing like
that can happen to a man, can't you?

Of course.

So I took a shortcut through your
living room, looking for a telephone.

I see.

Now, if you'll take your big hands
off me, I'll be on me way.

What do you want me
to do with him, Mr. Robinson?

Lock him up.

You heard the man.
So come on, Paddy.

Let's trot on down
to the pokey, shall we?

What's your name, officer?

They call me
Michael Francis Xavier Fogerty.

Well, now, you wouldn't be Irish,
would you?

No, Polish. Of course I'm Irish!

Well, you must know then from
the manner of me dress what I am.

Well, now don't tell me.
Let me guess.

You're a nut!

- I am a leprechaun.
- Oh, sure, sure.

And I'm the Wicked Old Witch
of the West.

All right, in with you.

And don't give me any more
of that whimsy from the old sod!

Whimsy is it?

- Your mother was English.
- Flattering me will get you no place.

Now, will you step in,
or shall I throw you in?

- I'm entitled to a telephone call.
- All right, all right.

- But do you have a lawyer?
- In a manner of speaking, yes.

Okay, one call. Come on.

Hello.

Brian?

- Where are you?
- He's in jail.

- He's in jail.
- He's in jail.

What jail?

Oh, well, Brian, I don't think...

Well, wait a minute.
Let me speak to Darrin.

- Darling?
- You wanna go spring him, right?

- He must be in some kind of trouble.
- It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

You don't want Brian
to stay in jail, do you?

Darrin?

Darrin.

- I'm thinking.
- Oh, really.

Okay. Go on down
and get him out.

But after that,
absolutely no more witchcraft!

All right, Brian.
I'll meet you in your cell.

Oh, yes. He is grand, isn't he?

Samantha, you look beautiful,
charming.

That's enough of that, Brian.

I must remind you that although
you may not be a workingman...

my husband is,
and you're disturbing his sleep.

Is he angry with me now?
I wouldn't have that for the world.

We have to get you out of here.

Then we have to decide how
to get your gold.

- Take my hand.
- Now, just a moment.

I'd like to leave an insulting note...

for the black Irishman
that arrested me, you know?

- I'm leaving, Brian. Now!
- And I'm going with you.

Hey, nutsy,
I brought you some coffee.

I think I need a little nip.

Darrin, me boy, how nice
of you to wait up for me.

There's real friendship for you.
Here, I brought you a cup of coffee.

You are a disgrace to the O'Brians.

You've set the cause of leprechauns
back 1000 years. You're a bungler!

Don't you love him
when he's like that, Samantha?

Full of the O'Brian fire.

I have the perfect solution
for your troubles.

Samantha here will take me
to the Robinson house.

I'll get me gold from the fireplace...

and with me powers restored
to full strength...

I'll remove meself from
your kind hospitality.

- Well?
- The answer is no!

Oh, but, Darrin, it would
only take a moment or two.

- No.
- Think of the position we're in.

We have a hot leprechaun
on our hands.

What is it?

I'm wondering if there'll be
a reward out for him.

An O'Brian an informer? Never!

Somebody always has to be the first.

Goodbye, Brian.
I've got a long day ahead of me.

I'm going back to bed.

- Goodbye, cousin.
- I am sorry, Brian.

- But we did our best.
- Oh, you're grand. Both of you.

Just grand.

But I guess this will be
the end of me now.

I'm a stranger in a strange land.

Well, maybe it'll work out somehow.

No.

Without me pot of gold,
I'm just another old man...

you'd pass by in the street...

hat in hand,
taking pennies from passers-by.

Now, Brian...

Sick at heart, wearing a brave
but trembling smile.

- Well, you know I wanna help you.
- Dogs barking at me.

Little children making a mock of me.

But bearing no rancour in me heart...

because you couldn't spare me
the five minutes help...

that would've kept me
from the downward path.

- Well, Brian...
- I'll be leaving you now, Samantha.

Try and forget me.

Be as happy as you can.

I'll always think kindly of you.

Brian, if you promise never
to tell Darrin, I'll go with you.

You will? Oh, bless you.

But let's go. I want to get back
as soon as I can.

Hang on.

There's the old fireplace.

It's four to the left,
one, two, three, four...

and eight down,
one, two, three, four...

There's the monsters.

Splendid work.

Well, that's better. Oh, pardon me.

My goodness gracious.

Now, you two keep very quiet
and behave yourselves.

We're very busy.

Stay there.

You have a real touch.

Never mind the flattery.
Just find your pot of gold.

Right. One, two, three, four...

And out she goes.

Here she comes.

What's the matter?

- Saints preserve us, it's gone.
- Brian!

- But it was here. I know it was here.
- Darrin's right. You are a bungler.

But, Samantha...

You probably lost that the same way
you lost all the others.

No. I swear it was here
when the fireplace was moved.

It was me last pot, Samantha.
Me security against me old age.

How dare you involve me
in this wild goose chase.

Now, we are going back,
and you are going on your way.

No, I tell you. It was right
in this hole behind the stone.

Good evening.

Is this what you're looking for?

That's it! It's me crock!

Let me correct you.
It is not your crock. It's me crock!

I don't know how you got out of jail,
but I know how you're getting in again.

And this time you're going to have
some very pleasant company.

Mr. Robinson, I know this may
all seem very strange to you, but...

Not at all.
Why it happens every night.

The police are gonna get
very tired...

of my waking them up
in the middle of the night.

Mr. Robinson,
Mr. O'Brian here is from Ireland...

and he had hidden that pot
in the fireplace before you bought it.

You know...

something tells me I haven't
heard the real story yet.

Well, there's nothing left for me to do
but to reveal meself to this creature.

Sir, you are looking at
an authentic Irish leprechaun.

A leprechaun?

I am the lovable leprechaun
of County Cork.

Well, I tried. He doesn't believe it.

But, my dear sir,
of course I believe you.

- You do?
- Well, naturally.

- I'm Irish too.
- Robinson?

Where do you think the Dennis
in my name came from?

My sainted grandfather,
may his soul rest in peace...

was a Mahoney.

Many is the story he's told me
about meeting leprechauns in his day.

I wouldn't dream of keeping this now.

It's yours.

Thank you. Thank you. Bless you.

Now, you see, Samantha,
I wasn't lying to you.

Oh, forgive me, Brian.

- And this fair colleen?
- She...

Mr. Robinson,
I'm Mrs. Darrin Stephens.

You remember, he was here
talking to you about advertising.

Oh, yes. McMann & Tate.

Yes. You see, as a matter of fact...

his grandmother
was also from County Cork.

It's all very clear to me now.

Those two Chihuahuas...

they wouldn't be
my dogs, now, would they?

- Brian.
- My pleasure.

Well done!

- May I shake your hand, sir?
- Certainly, sir.

- I got you!
- Let go of me arm.

Now, I remember another story...

my grandfather
told me about leprechauns.

If you catch one,
he has to grant you a wish, right?

- Those are the rules.
- Very well.

Now, my mills are putting out
a brand-new line of Irish linen.

For the first time,
I'm going to advertise.

I want to use your picture
as the symbol...

as the trademark for my product.

Mr. Robinson!

Leprechauns never lend themself
to commercial enterprises.

Never.

Well, he'll be well paid
for his services.

And I guarantee you,
he'll make enough...

to fill up more pots of gold
than he's ever seen before.

Well, now, your eloquence
has convinced me, sir.

- Your wish is granted.
- Thank you.

- But I have a wish of me own.
- Very well, Mr. O'Brian.

I want to have a sympathetic
and understanding presentation...

of me image.

And who could be
more understanding...

than me dear friend,
Mr. Darrin Stephens.

Very well, Mr. O'Brian.
Your wish is granted too.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Robinson.
May I break the news to him?

Of course, my dear.

Mr. O'Brian, what is it?

Me throat's a bit dry
with all that talking.

Well, now, I've got
the liquid cure for that.

Isn't he grand, Samantha?

Aye, just grand.

Of course I'm angry!

I wake up,
and you're not in your bed!

- You're not even in the house.
- Darrin...

Then you come back and tell me you
went to Robinson's house with Brian.

After I told you not to!

It's just a lucky thing
you didn't get caught.

We did. Mr. Robinson caught
us there.

Oh, great! Great! Great! Great!
That does it!

- Well, if you'd just let me explain.
- No, no, no, no.

There's nothing you could possibly say
that would make me feel any different.

You deliberately went to that house
after I told you not to!

McMann & Tate
have the Robinson account.

And you're going to handle it.

Mr. Robinson is Irish.
He was delighted to see a leprechaun.

Brian has his pot of gold back,
and he got you the account.

Now, you feel any differently?

What can I say?

You can say you love me.

That's easy.