Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 26 - Baby's First Paragraph - full transcript
Because she can't get a babysitter and she can't cancel her important appointment, Samantha reluctantly allows Endora to babysit Tabatha for the first time. Samantha's only worry about allowing Endora to sit is Darrin's feelings about Endora's use of witchcraft in the house. Despite Endora's vow not to use witchcraft while sitting with Tabatha, Endora can't help herself when Gladys Kravitz comes over the show off her nephew Edgar, who is the same age as Tabatha but who Mrs. Kravitz states is far more advanced than Tabatha. So what Endora decides to do is allow Tabatha to speak, answering Mrs. Kravitz's question directly. Mrs. Kravitz calls in the press to cover the story, which shouldn't be an issue since Tabatha can't really speak, but Endora, who is angry at Darrin for berating her, makes Tabatha speak in front of the reporters. Beyond Samantha needing to convince Endora that what she did was wrong, they have to come up with a way to stop the story cold as their life has become a media circus since the story broke.
Hello?
Hi, Sally. I was wondering
where you were.
What...?
Hang on just a minute, will you?
I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you're
hungry. I'll feed you in a minute.
Hello?
Yes, you'll have to speak
a little louder. The baby's crying.
You can't?
Oh, Sally, I was depending on you.
Yes. Well, I am sorry.
How about your sister?
Yes, I understand.
I hope you both feel better soon.
Bye-bye.
Where did you get that bottle?
Really, Samantha.
Where do you think she got it?
Oh, well, thank goodness.
For one terrible moment,
I thought maybe Tabatha had...
Well, you never know.
Thank you.
Well, that's the last of them.
I've tried every babysitter I know.
I have a lunch date with Darrin...
...and a very important client who
insists on meeting everybody's wives.
If you really wanna go out,
why don't you toddle off.
I'll stay here with Tabatha.
No, Mother. I'd better not.
Thank you for offering, though.
What do you mean,
you'd better not?
You've never stayed
with Tabatha before.
Well, although this may come
as a surprise, Samantha...
...I'm not a complete stranger
to babies.
You, as I recall,
were once one yourself.
Don't you trust me, Samantha?
Of course I do.
- Doesn't Dagwood trust me?
- Well...
Oh, that presumptuous mortal.
Refusing to let me babysit
with my own flesh and blood.
All right, Mother. All right. I'm sorry.
Of course you can stay.
Marvellous.
Do tell Dorian.
It's sure to ruin his lunch.
It's Darian...
Dor... Darrin.
And I'll do nothing of the kind.
Now, Mother, promise me.
No funny business.
Witch's honour.
I promise, angel.
That's it.
That's a nice little girl.
And the beautiful, charming,
kindly witch...
...said to the nasty old Snow White:
"Here's a lovely apple."
Don't kick, darling. Now, listen...
...we're trying to make you much more
comfortable. That's a girl.
Come...
Come in.
Oh, Mrs. Stephens, the most
remarkable thing happened.
I was just feeding little Edgar,
the sweetums...
...and you know what he did?
He grabbed the spoon...
It's you. I thought
Mrs. Stephens was here.
Well, Samantha isn't here.
Mrs. Kravitz...
...do you know how
to change a diaper?
I was just leaving.
What an adorable baby.
- I'll hold him while you're...
- Oh, he doesn't like to be held.
Well, then just set the little darling
right here, and I'll watch him.
Well, he doesn't like
to be touched either.
Very well, just as you say.
Hello, cutie.
Is Auntie Gladys gonna
change you, huh?
I suppose you're wondering
why I came in with a baby.
- No.
- Edgar is Edna's child.
Edna is my sister.
Edgar was born
the very same week as Tabatha.
But they're completely different.
How nice, considering he's a boy.
Oh, no, I mean really different.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised.
Edgar is much more advanced.
Aren't you? Aren't you,
you little Einstein, you?
You see, my sister's husband
is a CPA...
...and you know how smart they are.
So naturally,
Edgar is much farther along...
...than other babies his own age.
Take Tabatha.
Edgar was crawling
almost a week before...
I pricked myself.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yes, but I wasn't even near a pin.
I'd finished.
Don't you worry, sweetums.
You'll clench your fist...
...and you'll gurgle and laugh
and eat with a spoon...
...just like Edgar.
Now that Auntie Gladys
has made you all comfy-womfy...
...maybe nice old Granny would
give you some milky-wilky, huh?
No, thank you, Mrs. Kravitz.
I don't care for any.
- She talked.
- So she did.
The baby talked.
Abner, I tell you, that baby talked.
I heard it with my own ears.
You mean you let her get a word in?
I asked it if it wanted some milk.
And she said,
"No, thank you. I've just eaten."
So? What's so remarkable about that?
The kid wasn't hungry.
Abner, infants don't talk!
- Even Edgar doesn't talk.
- You make up for him.
Abner, I'm telling you,
I heard that little baby, Tabatha, talk.
Now do you believe me or not?
Why shouldn't I believe you?
For a year now, you've been telling me
there's funny things going on there.
Once, you saw people flying.
Then you saw pictures
hanging themselves on the walls.
Now you tell me an infant can talk.
Know something?
You're improving.
Come on. We can sit over here.
Yes, indeed.
Yes?
Samantha? Fine, fine.
Did you have a nice lunch?
No. No trouble. No calls.
Yes, she's right here in my arms...
...looking so bright-eyed
you'd think she was about to talk.
Oh, no, no, dear.
Take your time. No rush.
Bye-bye.
There.
Yes, that was your mommy.
Yes, I'm going to tell you
another nice story...
...about two naughty little children
called Hansel and Gretel.
Yes. Of course, I'm going to tell you
the truth about Hansel and Gretel...
...not any of those old falsehoods
they've been spreading for years.
Now, there. Are you comfortable?
Yes. The book.
Now, here we are.
Let's see if we can find the story.
Yes, here it is.
Now, "Once upon a time...
...a nice, kindly witch lived in
a gingerbread house in the forest.
She wasn't bothering anyone
or causing any harm."
You understand that, Tabatha.
"Well, unfortunately, one day,
two nasty little hooligans...
...called Hansel and Gretel
found the gingerbread house.
Well, without so much
as a by-your-leave...
...the two little gluttons broke off
her window ledge and ate it."
Now, what do you think of that? Yes.
"Well, naturally, the nice witch
was concerned."
I mean, who likes vandalism?
Mr. Stephens!
Mr. Stephens, wait.
- Mr. Stephens.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.
I just wanted to congratulate you
on Tabatha.
- What about Tabatha?
- The way she talks and everything.
Oh, it's wonderful.
A genius on my very own block.
- Tabatha talked?
- Why, yes. I heard her.
She said, " No, thank you,
Mrs. Kravitz. I won't have any."
She meant milk. I had suggested
that she have some milk.
Hello, Tabatha.
I'm your daddy.
Do you have anything
to say to Daddy?
Is there anything you'd like?
Just tell Daddy,
and I'll get it for you.
I imagine she'd like her dinner.
It's already in the...
Let her say it herself.
Darrin, are you all right?
Fine. Just fine for a man who's just
learned his infant daughter can talk.
Tabatha? Talk?
Mrs. Kravitz told me about it...
...how she said, " No, thank you.
I don't care for any milk."
- Mrs. Kravitz?
- No, Tabatha!
- You mean you didn't hear it?
- No, I didn't.
It must've happened during lunch,
when the babysitter was here.
- Mother!
- What mother?
Your mother.
- Sam!
- Well, Darrin...
...the babysitter got the flu.
I couldn't get anyone else.
I didn't wanna break our lunch date.
- Well, it was the only thing to do.
- Honey, you didn't.
You didn't leave Tabatha alone
with that broom jockey!
Darrin, she is my mother. She got
her feelings hurt when I refused.
She promised she wouldn't
do anything.
Promises or no, you don't leave
a four-time loser with an open safe!
Can you get her here?
That won't be necessary.
Broom jockey, am I?
Mother, you promised.
Truly, darling,
I just couldn't help myself.
Couldn't help yourself?
Is that your excuse?!
Darrin, Darrin, just give her
a chance to explain.
Mother, you come down here.
That very foolish woman...
...and her very advanced nephew
just got on my nerves...
...so I put a few simple words
in the baby's mouth.
Oh, it was more than
human flesh could bear.
- You're not human!
- Darrin.
- True.
- Mother.
How dare you play stupid,
childish tricks on an innocent baby?
- Mother. Darrin.
- There's no need to shout.
- You'll disturb the baby.
- The baby?
You couldn't care less
about the baby.
Now, can't we just discuss this
like adults?
That baby, my granddaughter...
...was being insulted.
She was made to sound
like a dim-witted lump.
- So what?!
- Darrin!
All that's important is that she's
a normal, healthy, happy baby.
- There. She isn't happy anymore.
- There, you see.
- You see, you made the baby cry.
- I'm entitled! I'm her father.
And from now on, you keep your
conjuring mitts off of her!
Don't go away. I'm not finished.
That's where you're wrong.
You're all finished.
Mother, don't you dare.
That's right. That's right.
Not in front of the baby.
This the house
with the talking baby?
- This is it. Their name is Stephens.
- Oh, no.
What's the matter, Mrs. Kravitz?
You can't keep a thing like this
to yourself.
A thing like this belongs
to the world.
Daily Mail, ma'am.
We got a call from some lady,
says you got a talking baby.
Yes, that was me, Mrs. Kravitz...
...with a K.
R-A-V-l-T-Z.
That's her. She's the one.
Hello, Tabatha.
These are the gentlemen of the press.
Mrs. Kravitz, I'm sure
you've made a mistake.
Well, I know what I heard.
Gentlemen, I'm sorry that you've been
brought here on a wild-goose chase...
Yes, I don't know what
Mrs. Kravitz told you.
The truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth.
But the baby didn't talk.
Gurgled, maybe, or...
Or maybe there was a radio
playing somewhere...
...and that's what she heard.
Radio. Anyway, you can see
for yourself, she's just an infant.
- She doesn't even say "Mama" yet.
- No.
- Well, we figured as much.
- But we had to check it out.
Hey, hey! Wait a minute.
She heard it.
- She can tell you.
- My mother-in-law didn't hear a thing.
Oh, are you referring to me,
the broom jockey?
- What about it, lady?
- Besides, she makes up things.
You can't believe a thing she says.
On the contrary, my grandmother
always tells the truth.
Did you hear...
...what I heard?
How about a statement
for the press, honey?
Not tonight, gentlemen.
I haven't had my dinner.
- Okay. Hold it.
- We'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, what a story.
So long. Look for yourselves
in the morning edition.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait for me! Wait till I tell you
how these people fly in and out...
Darrin, you can push
Mother just so far.
Sam!
Sam! Samantha...
- Maybe nobody will notice.
- Not notice?
This is the kind of thing people eat up.
We're in for it.
Darrin, I'm sure people have
much too much to do...
...to bother about
a silly thing like this.
Good morning, Tabatha.
Ready to give us that statement now?
When was the first time she talked?
Is that the one?
Looks like any ordinary baby.
Some ordinary.
She already talks better than you.
Itchy-kitchy-koo, Tabby.
Who do you like in
the National League pennant?
- I'm sorry. This has all been a mistake.
- How do you like that?
People have a smart baby,
and all of a sudden they get snooty.
Oh, my stars.
No. Definitely, emphatically,
categorically no!
But, Darrin, it's perfect!
Can't you see it
out of her own mouth?
"I like Nasely's Baby Food. It's got
the taste and texture that's right."
Then we dub in a baby chorus with
Tabatha singing the Nasely jingle.
Larry, for the last time,
she can't talk.
Oh, come on, buddy boy.
Let's not carry this
modest-parent thing too far.
- There were witnesses.
- She won't do it!
- Aha!
- What "aha"?
You said "won't," not "can't."
What are you doing?
To heck with you. I'll ask Tabatha.
- Who is it?
- Mailman.
Daily Mail, ma'am.
What does Tabatha think of the
American income tax structure?
I don't think she's too crazy about it.
- Sam.
- Hi. Where'd you come from?
I snuck in the back way
to avoid the crush.
This is terrible.
They haven't let me alone all day.
I know. Me too. Larry wants Tabatha
to give testimonials for baby food.
Oh, marvellous. I tried to get Mother,
but she won't come.
- I think she's still mad.
- She's mad?
I've been at it all day. Your turn.
Hello?
Yes, this is Darrin Stephens.
What?
You want to rent her?
For six weeks, to run her through
a series of tests.
Why don't you guys go back to finding
a cure for the common cold.
Who was that?
The Mayo Clinic.
Tonight, all America is agog over the
report that little Tabatha Stephens...
...an infant girl
no longer than my arm...
...speaks the King's English
as well as you or I do.
Reliable sources report that...
...the Stephens have been contacted
by the Hollywood Palace TV show.
- Sam?
- They wanted her to emcee...
...but I turned them down.
And this evening, TASS,
the Russian news agency...
...announced that in Moscow, a baby
two weeks younger than Tabatha...
...speaks perfect Russian.
- Figures.
- Meantime, in Washington...
- Who is it?
- Mailman.
You tried that before.
U.S. Mail. Special delivery.
You better be.
It's for Tabatha.
Got to deliver it personally.
She's in conference.
Sure would like to see
that talking baby.
Sorry.
- Who is it for?
- Oh, dear.
Tabatha.
It's from Harvard University!
They're offering her a scholarship.
Harvard University? But she's a girl.
They'll make an exception.
Darrin, what are we going to do?
I don't know.
Your mother's really done it now.
She's got to be the one
to get us out of this.
Sam, that's like asking a cobra
to help out a mongoose.
Just a minute.
I have an idea.
And it might work,
but I'll need Mother's help.
If I can get her here.
Okay, but just keep
Tabatha upstairs.
Bye, sweetheart.
Sam. Can you create a diversion?
I'll do better than that.
Go on.
- Thanks, honey.
- You're welcome.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye-bye.
Come on, Mother.
I wanna show you
what's been going on.
There must be at least
100 people out there.
Oh, it's remarkable
what a little publicity will do.
I realize that you did what you did
only out of love for Tabatha.
But you know what this means?
All her life, she'll have a mob of
people around. She'll never be alone.
Well, that's nothing
to worry about, Samantha.
Little girls like to be
the centre of attention.
I always did.
Well, if you're willing
to make the sacrifice...
What sacrifice?
Well, she won't belong
to any of us anymore.
She'll belong to her public.
You'll see her once or twice a year,
if you make an appointment.
Appointment? Appointment to see
my own granddaughter?
You don't think you'll play with her
or take her for a walk...
...anytime you want, do you?
She'll be a celebrity.
- One lump or two?
- Well, is there any way to stop all this?
Well, I do have an idea.
But I'll need your help.
Right.
Hi there, Mrs. Kravitz,
Mr. Kravitz. Come on in.
- Make yourselves at home.
- Come in.
Thank you.
- I don't think they'll buy it.
- Keep your fingers crossed.
Well, how does it feel
to be a celebrity, honey?
- I beg your pardon?
- She doesn't look any different to me.
That's the one that flies.
I asked you all over tonight because
I'd like to make an apology.
Now, all this about Tabatha talking
is an unfortunate misunderstanding.
Yes. And once it got started,
we just didn't know how to stop it.
Let's get to the point, Mrs. Stephens.
When did Tabatha start to talk?
That is the point. She didn't.
I mean, she hasn't.
Perhaps I should explain.
You know, when I was younger,
I was in vaudeville.
Maybe you heard of me.
I was known as
Endora the Miraculous.
- She's miraculous all right.
- Thank you.
My specialty was ventriloquism.
I did baby voices.
They were really quite effective.
And so when this lady came over
the other day...
...I couldn't resist the temptation
to try it out again.
So you see,
Tabatha didn't really talk at all.
Now wait a minute. I was this far away,
and I saw this baby talk.
Would you mind not breathing
in my face, sport?
Like that?
- Her lips moved that time.
- Oh, I don't know.
It's awful realistic.
She may have made Tabatha talk,
but not by ventriloquism.
There's something
very strange about her.
- Gladys, will you stop?
- No, I will not.
It is time that people found out
about this house.
Oh, weird things go on in here.
They have powers,
supernatural powers.
Oh, you wouldn't believe
the things I've seen.
I guess I'll have to prove to you
how simple it is to make a baby talk.
Here, darling,
will you hold your child?
There.
- Now, then, Mrs. Kravitz...
- Don't touch me!
Oh, really, it's very easy, you know.
You can do it too.
Just throw your voice to the back
of the throat and talk very high.
Go on. Try it.
Oh, no, I will not.
Abner, make her stop.
She's gonna do something...
She did! She turned me into a baby.
Hey, lady, that was pretty good.
So you see, that's all there was to it.
I'm awfully sorry if there was
a misunderstanding.
You sure caused a sensation.
Well, we'll have to print a retraction.
- How does she stop?
- Talk in your normal voice.
I am talking in my normal voice.
Mother.
Wouldn't it be terrible
if I were like this all my life?
- That I would agree with.
- Hey, I'm normal!
That I wouldn't agree with.
- Come on, Gladys.
- But...
But... But... But...
You see how simple it was?
I think you should tell Mother
that you're sorry.
I know it was all her fault
to begin with...
...but she did a wonderful job
of straightening everything out.
I'm sure she's forgiven you
for the way you talked to her.
Forgiven me?
I must say, that's very sweet of her.
Mother.
Mother? Where are you?
This is the last straw.
Sam, get her back here.
Mother.
Endora, you come back here
and change my voice right away!
Thank you, Mother.
You're a great help.
That's what mothers are for, dear.
Hi, Sally. I was wondering
where you were.
What...?
Hang on just a minute, will you?
I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you're
hungry. I'll feed you in a minute.
Hello?
Yes, you'll have to speak
a little louder. The baby's crying.
You can't?
Oh, Sally, I was depending on you.
Yes. Well, I am sorry.
How about your sister?
Yes, I understand.
I hope you both feel better soon.
Bye-bye.
Where did you get that bottle?
Really, Samantha.
Where do you think she got it?
Oh, well, thank goodness.
For one terrible moment,
I thought maybe Tabatha had...
Well, you never know.
Thank you.
Well, that's the last of them.
I've tried every babysitter I know.
I have a lunch date with Darrin...
...and a very important client who
insists on meeting everybody's wives.
If you really wanna go out,
why don't you toddle off.
I'll stay here with Tabatha.
No, Mother. I'd better not.
Thank you for offering, though.
What do you mean,
you'd better not?
You've never stayed
with Tabatha before.
Well, although this may come
as a surprise, Samantha...
...I'm not a complete stranger
to babies.
You, as I recall,
were once one yourself.
Don't you trust me, Samantha?
Of course I do.
- Doesn't Dagwood trust me?
- Well...
Oh, that presumptuous mortal.
Refusing to let me babysit
with my own flesh and blood.
All right, Mother. All right. I'm sorry.
Of course you can stay.
Marvellous.
Do tell Dorian.
It's sure to ruin his lunch.
It's Darian...
Dor... Darrin.
And I'll do nothing of the kind.
Now, Mother, promise me.
No funny business.
Witch's honour.
I promise, angel.
That's it.
That's a nice little girl.
And the beautiful, charming,
kindly witch...
...said to the nasty old Snow White:
"Here's a lovely apple."
Don't kick, darling. Now, listen...
...we're trying to make you much more
comfortable. That's a girl.
Come...
Come in.
Oh, Mrs. Stephens, the most
remarkable thing happened.
I was just feeding little Edgar,
the sweetums...
...and you know what he did?
He grabbed the spoon...
It's you. I thought
Mrs. Stephens was here.
Well, Samantha isn't here.
Mrs. Kravitz...
...do you know how
to change a diaper?
I was just leaving.
What an adorable baby.
- I'll hold him while you're...
- Oh, he doesn't like to be held.
Well, then just set the little darling
right here, and I'll watch him.
Well, he doesn't like
to be touched either.
Very well, just as you say.
Hello, cutie.
Is Auntie Gladys gonna
change you, huh?
I suppose you're wondering
why I came in with a baby.
- No.
- Edgar is Edna's child.
Edna is my sister.
Edgar was born
the very same week as Tabatha.
But they're completely different.
How nice, considering he's a boy.
Oh, no, I mean really different.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised.
Edgar is much more advanced.
Aren't you? Aren't you,
you little Einstein, you?
You see, my sister's husband
is a CPA...
...and you know how smart they are.
So naturally,
Edgar is much farther along...
...than other babies his own age.
Take Tabatha.
Edgar was crawling
almost a week before...
I pricked myself.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yes, but I wasn't even near a pin.
I'd finished.
Don't you worry, sweetums.
You'll clench your fist...
...and you'll gurgle and laugh
and eat with a spoon...
...just like Edgar.
Now that Auntie Gladys
has made you all comfy-womfy...
...maybe nice old Granny would
give you some milky-wilky, huh?
No, thank you, Mrs. Kravitz.
I don't care for any.
- She talked.
- So she did.
The baby talked.
Abner, I tell you, that baby talked.
I heard it with my own ears.
You mean you let her get a word in?
I asked it if it wanted some milk.
And she said,
"No, thank you. I've just eaten."
So? What's so remarkable about that?
The kid wasn't hungry.
Abner, infants don't talk!
- Even Edgar doesn't talk.
- You make up for him.
Abner, I'm telling you,
I heard that little baby, Tabatha, talk.
Now do you believe me or not?
Why shouldn't I believe you?
For a year now, you've been telling me
there's funny things going on there.
Once, you saw people flying.
Then you saw pictures
hanging themselves on the walls.
Now you tell me an infant can talk.
Know something?
You're improving.
Come on. We can sit over here.
Yes, indeed.
Yes?
Samantha? Fine, fine.
Did you have a nice lunch?
No. No trouble. No calls.
Yes, she's right here in my arms...
...looking so bright-eyed
you'd think she was about to talk.
Oh, no, no, dear.
Take your time. No rush.
Bye-bye.
There.
Yes, that was your mommy.
Yes, I'm going to tell you
another nice story...
...about two naughty little children
called Hansel and Gretel.
Yes. Of course, I'm going to tell you
the truth about Hansel and Gretel...
...not any of those old falsehoods
they've been spreading for years.
Now, there. Are you comfortable?
Yes. The book.
Now, here we are.
Let's see if we can find the story.
Yes, here it is.
Now, "Once upon a time...
...a nice, kindly witch lived in
a gingerbread house in the forest.
She wasn't bothering anyone
or causing any harm."
You understand that, Tabatha.
"Well, unfortunately, one day,
two nasty little hooligans...
...called Hansel and Gretel
found the gingerbread house.
Well, without so much
as a by-your-leave...
...the two little gluttons broke off
her window ledge and ate it."
Now, what do you think of that? Yes.
"Well, naturally, the nice witch
was concerned."
I mean, who likes vandalism?
Mr. Stephens!
Mr. Stephens, wait.
- Mr. Stephens.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.
I just wanted to congratulate you
on Tabatha.
- What about Tabatha?
- The way she talks and everything.
Oh, it's wonderful.
A genius on my very own block.
- Tabatha talked?
- Why, yes. I heard her.
She said, " No, thank you,
Mrs. Kravitz. I won't have any."
She meant milk. I had suggested
that she have some milk.
Hello, Tabatha.
I'm your daddy.
Do you have anything
to say to Daddy?
Is there anything you'd like?
Just tell Daddy,
and I'll get it for you.
I imagine she'd like her dinner.
It's already in the...
Let her say it herself.
Darrin, are you all right?
Fine. Just fine for a man who's just
learned his infant daughter can talk.
Tabatha? Talk?
Mrs. Kravitz told me about it...
...how she said, " No, thank you.
I don't care for any milk."
- Mrs. Kravitz?
- No, Tabatha!
- You mean you didn't hear it?
- No, I didn't.
It must've happened during lunch,
when the babysitter was here.
- Mother!
- What mother?
Your mother.
- Sam!
- Well, Darrin...
...the babysitter got the flu.
I couldn't get anyone else.
I didn't wanna break our lunch date.
- Well, it was the only thing to do.
- Honey, you didn't.
You didn't leave Tabatha alone
with that broom jockey!
Darrin, she is my mother. She got
her feelings hurt when I refused.
She promised she wouldn't
do anything.
Promises or no, you don't leave
a four-time loser with an open safe!
Can you get her here?
That won't be necessary.
Broom jockey, am I?
Mother, you promised.
Truly, darling,
I just couldn't help myself.
Couldn't help yourself?
Is that your excuse?!
Darrin, Darrin, just give her
a chance to explain.
Mother, you come down here.
That very foolish woman...
...and her very advanced nephew
just got on my nerves...
...so I put a few simple words
in the baby's mouth.
Oh, it was more than
human flesh could bear.
- You're not human!
- Darrin.
- True.
- Mother.
How dare you play stupid,
childish tricks on an innocent baby?
- Mother. Darrin.
- There's no need to shout.
- You'll disturb the baby.
- The baby?
You couldn't care less
about the baby.
Now, can't we just discuss this
like adults?
That baby, my granddaughter...
...was being insulted.
She was made to sound
like a dim-witted lump.
- So what?!
- Darrin!
All that's important is that she's
a normal, healthy, happy baby.
- There. She isn't happy anymore.
- There, you see.
- You see, you made the baby cry.
- I'm entitled! I'm her father.
And from now on, you keep your
conjuring mitts off of her!
Don't go away. I'm not finished.
That's where you're wrong.
You're all finished.
Mother, don't you dare.
That's right. That's right.
Not in front of the baby.
This the house
with the talking baby?
- This is it. Their name is Stephens.
- Oh, no.
What's the matter, Mrs. Kravitz?
You can't keep a thing like this
to yourself.
A thing like this belongs
to the world.
Daily Mail, ma'am.
We got a call from some lady,
says you got a talking baby.
Yes, that was me, Mrs. Kravitz...
...with a K.
R-A-V-l-T-Z.
That's her. She's the one.
Hello, Tabatha.
These are the gentlemen of the press.
Mrs. Kravitz, I'm sure
you've made a mistake.
Well, I know what I heard.
Gentlemen, I'm sorry that you've been
brought here on a wild-goose chase...
Yes, I don't know what
Mrs. Kravitz told you.
The truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth.
But the baby didn't talk.
Gurgled, maybe, or...
Or maybe there was a radio
playing somewhere...
...and that's what she heard.
Radio. Anyway, you can see
for yourself, she's just an infant.
- She doesn't even say "Mama" yet.
- No.
- Well, we figured as much.
- But we had to check it out.
Hey, hey! Wait a minute.
She heard it.
- She can tell you.
- My mother-in-law didn't hear a thing.
Oh, are you referring to me,
the broom jockey?
- What about it, lady?
- Besides, she makes up things.
You can't believe a thing she says.
On the contrary, my grandmother
always tells the truth.
Did you hear...
...what I heard?
How about a statement
for the press, honey?
Not tonight, gentlemen.
I haven't had my dinner.
- Okay. Hold it.
- We'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, what a story.
So long. Look for yourselves
in the morning edition.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait for me! Wait till I tell you
how these people fly in and out...
Darrin, you can push
Mother just so far.
Sam!
Sam! Samantha...
- Maybe nobody will notice.
- Not notice?
This is the kind of thing people eat up.
We're in for it.
Darrin, I'm sure people have
much too much to do...
...to bother about
a silly thing like this.
Good morning, Tabatha.
Ready to give us that statement now?
When was the first time she talked?
Is that the one?
Looks like any ordinary baby.
Some ordinary.
She already talks better than you.
Itchy-kitchy-koo, Tabby.
Who do you like in
the National League pennant?
- I'm sorry. This has all been a mistake.
- How do you like that?
People have a smart baby,
and all of a sudden they get snooty.
Oh, my stars.
No. Definitely, emphatically,
categorically no!
But, Darrin, it's perfect!
Can't you see it
out of her own mouth?
"I like Nasely's Baby Food. It's got
the taste and texture that's right."
Then we dub in a baby chorus with
Tabatha singing the Nasely jingle.
Larry, for the last time,
she can't talk.
Oh, come on, buddy boy.
Let's not carry this
modest-parent thing too far.
- There were witnesses.
- She won't do it!
- Aha!
- What "aha"?
You said "won't," not "can't."
What are you doing?
To heck with you. I'll ask Tabatha.
- Who is it?
- Mailman.
Daily Mail, ma'am.
What does Tabatha think of the
American income tax structure?
I don't think she's too crazy about it.
- Sam.
- Hi. Where'd you come from?
I snuck in the back way
to avoid the crush.
This is terrible.
They haven't let me alone all day.
I know. Me too. Larry wants Tabatha
to give testimonials for baby food.
Oh, marvellous. I tried to get Mother,
but she won't come.
- I think she's still mad.
- She's mad?
I've been at it all day. Your turn.
Hello?
Yes, this is Darrin Stephens.
What?
You want to rent her?
For six weeks, to run her through
a series of tests.
Why don't you guys go back to finding
a cure for the common cold.
Who was that?
The Mayo Clinic.
Tonight, all America is agog over the
report that little Tabatha Stephens...
...an infant girl
no longer than my arm...
...speaks the King's English
as well as you or I do.
Reliable sources report that...
...the Stephens have been contacted
by the Hollywood Palace TV show.
- Sam?
- They wanted her to emcee...
...but I turned them down.
And this evening, TASS,
the Russian news agency...
...announced that in Moscow, a baby
two weeks younger than Tabatha...
...speaks perfect Russian.
- Figures.
- Meantime, in Washington...
- Who is it?
- Mailman.
You tried that before.
U.S. Mail. Special delivery.
You better be.
It's for Tabatha.
Got to deliver it personally.
She's in conference.
Sure would like to see
that talking baby.
Sorry.
- Who is it for?
- Oh, dear.
Tabatha.
It's from Harvard University!
They're offering her a scholarship.
Harvard University? But she's a girl.
They'll make an exception.
Darrin, what are we going to do?
I don't know.
Your mother's really done it now.
She's got to be the one
to get us out of this.
Sam, that's like asking a cobra
to help out a mongoose.
Just a minute.
I have an idea.
And it might work,
but I'll need Mother's help.
If I can get her here.
Okay, but just keep
Tabatha upstairs.
Bye, sweetheart.
Sam. Can you create a diversion?
I'll do better than that.
Go on.
- Thanks, honey.
- You're welcome.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye-bye.
Come on, Mother.
I wanna show you
what's been going on.
There must be at least
100 people out there.
Oh, it's remarkable
what a little publicity will do.
I realize that you did what you did
only out of love for Tabatha.
But you know what this means?
All her life, she'll have a mob of
people around. She'll never be alone.
Well, that's nothing
to worry about, Samantha.
Little girls like to be
the centre of attention.
I always did.
Well, if you're willing
to make the sacrifice...
What sacrifice?
Well, she won't belong
to any of us anymore.
She'll belong to her public.
You'll see her once or twice a year,
if you make an appointment.
Appointment? Appointment to see
my own granddaughter?
You don't think you'll play with her
or take her for a walk...
...anytime you want, do you?
She'll be a celebrity.
- One lump or two?
- Well, is there any way to stop all this?
Well, I do have an idea.
But I'll need your help.
Right.
Hi there, Mrs. Kravitz,
Mr. Kravitz. Come on in.
- Make yourselves at home.
- Come in.
Thank you.
- I don't think they'll buy it.
- Keep your fingers crossed.
Well, how does it feel
to be a celebrity, honey?
- I beg your pardon?
- She doesn't look any different to me.
That's the one that flies.
I asked you all over tonight because
I'd like to make an apology.
Now, all this about Tabatha talking
is an unfortunate misunderstanding.
Yes. And once it got started,
we just didn't know how to stop it.
Let's get to the point, Mrs. Stephens.
When did Tabatha start to talk?
That is the point. She didn't.
I mean, she hasn't.
Perhaps I should explain.
You know, when I was younger,
I was in vaudeville.
Maybe you heard of me.
I was known as
Endora the Miraculous.
- She's miraculous all right.
- Thank you.
My specialty was ventriloquism.
I did baby voices.
They were really quite effective.
And so when this lady came over
the other day...
...I couldn't resist the temptation
to try it out again.
So you see,
Tabatha didn't really talk at all.
Now wait a minute. I was this far away,
and I saw this baby talk.
Would you mind not breathing
in my face, sport?
Like that?
- Her lips moved that time.
- Oh, I don't know.
It's awful realistic.
She may have made Tabatha talk,
but not by ventriloquism.
There's something
very strange about her.
- Gladys, will you stop?
- No, I will not.
It is time that people found out
about this house.
Oh, weird things go on in here.
They have powers,
supernatural powers.
Oh, you wouldn't believe
the things I've seen.
I guess I'll have to prove to you
how simple it is to make a baby talk.
Here, darling,
will you hold your child?
There.
- Now, then, Mrs. Kravitz...
- Don't touch me!
Oh, really, it's very easy, you know.
You can do it too.
Just throw your voice to the back
of the throat and talk very high.
Go on. Try it.
Oh, no, I will not.
Abner, make her stop.
She's gonna do something...
She did! She turned me into a baby.
Hey, lady, that was pretty good.
So you see, that's all there was to it.
I'm awfully sorry if there was
a misunderstanding.
You sure caused a sensation.
Well, we'll have to print a retraction.
- How does she stop?
- Talk in your normal voice.
I am talking in my normal voice.
Mother.
Wouldn't it be terrible
if I were like this all my life?
- That I would agree with.
- Hey, I'm normal!
That I wouldn't agree with.
- Come on, Gladys.
- But...
But... But... But...
You see how simple it was?
I think you should tell Mother
that you're sorry.
I know it was all her fault
to begin with...
...but she did a wonderful job
of straightening everything out.
I'm sure she's forgiven you
for the way you talked to her.
Forgiven me?
I must say, that's very sweet of her.
Mother.
Mother? Where are you?
This is the last straw.
Sam, get her back here.
Mother.
Endora, you come back here
and change my voice right away!
Thank you, Mother.
You're a great help.
That's what mothers are for, dear.