Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 25 - The Horse's Mouth - full transcript

There you are, lady.

Time for your nap.

There you go.

It is a horse.

Now, now, take it easy.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.

Well, now, that's better.
What's the trouble?

Funny. I can't understand
a word you're saying.

Well, let's make it easy
on both of us.

There, that's better.

Better? Honey,
I've lost my two front feet.

I've nothing to brush the flies off me.



At least tell me
what's on your mind.

I don't know who you are,
but I'll tell you one thing.

You got a great way with animals.
How'd you do that?

I'm a witch,
but don't spread it around.

If you don't give me away,
I won't give you away. Deal?

Deal.

Now, let's go over here and sit
down, and you tell me your name.

Oh, my name is Dallyrand,
by Rideler's End out of Cutler's Folly.

- A racehorse?
- Right.

You know, this is a crazy blanket.

Why don't you sit down.

I'm very glad that you're here.

Would you mind telling me
the occasion for this visit?

Well, it goes something like this.



Ever hear of a horse
called Adorable Diane?

- Yes, of course.
- Wouldn't you know it?

The glory-grabber.

Is she a friend of yours?

She's my oldest sister,
and I hate her.

She never won a race
on her own in her life.

Adorable Diane's
won a lot of races.

Oh, yes, after I set them up for her.

We're always entered together.

She hangs back,
and it's my job to set the pace.

- Do you mind?
- No, no, of course not.

Well, I gallop my heart out
for the first half-mile or so...

to tire the other horses out...

and after they're all pooped,
including yours truly...

up comes little Adorable Diane,
and she wins.

Oh, I see.

And then back I go to the stable,
panting and covered with sweat...

while my dear sister
tangos into the winner's circle...

tossing her head and batting her
big brown eyes at the photographers.

Oh, that's a shame.

Isn't there anything
you can do about it?

I just did.
The trainer, Jack Spindler...

was taking me to the track
to be an also-ran again...

and, well, I don't know,
something just snapped inside of me.

I guess I'd reached
the end of my tether.

- Do you understand?
- Perfectly.

Lady, I don't know
what your pedigree is...

but you've got a great heart.

- What are you gonna do now?
- I don't know.

You acted on the spur
of the moment?

Oh, spur.

Please don't mention that word.

I think if I just had a couple
of days to settle down...

I could face being a loser again.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh, it's my trainer.
Oh, please don't give me away.

Just relax. He won't recognize you.

Yes?

Have either of you ladies
seen a horse?

Are you kidding? Many times.

No, I mean around here.
In the last 10 to 20 minutes?

I was transporting her by trailer,
and she broke loose.

Oh, my.
She sounds like a spirited animal.

Well, she comes from a good line,
but she's not a winner.

Are you kidding? Maybe you never
gave her a chance, huh?

Maybe you never gave her her head
and let her run her own race.

Did that ever occur to you?
You ever think of that?

Hold on, lady. I'm not the owner.
I'm just the trainer.

Maybe you've discouraged her.
Maybe you've broken her heart.

Horses have feelings, you know.
Especially lady horses.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Don't you "whoa" at me.

Why don't you go into
the kitchen and wait for me...

and I'll get this gentleman's
name and address.

Does your friend
live around here, ma'am?

No. No, she's just visiting.

Seems to me I've met her
somewhere before.

There's something
familiar about her.

Anyway, the name of the horse
is Dallyrand...

and you can reach me
at this address.

Oh, fine.

- Thank you, Mr. Spindler.
- Thank you.

Come on in, Gus.

Well, this is it.

Hey, it's great, Darrin.

We like it, and so does the bank.

Maybe someday I'll be lucky enough
to have a wife and a mortgage.

Come on,
I want you to meet Samantha.

- Anyone home?
- In here.

Come on, Gus.

Hi.

I can't tell you how happy I am
to meet you.

Darrin's given such a glowing
description of you.

Well, I'm glad to meet you,
tall, dark and two-legged.

Gus, no.

He means I don't live here.
I'm just a horse guest.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, darling.

Samantha, this is my old friend,
Gus Walters.

Hiya, Gus.
I've been waiting to meet you.

Oh, this is a friend of mine.

Dally... Dolly Rand. Dolly Rand.

This is my husband, Darrin,
and Gus Walters.

We've met. Will you join me
in some celery? A carrot, Gus?

Oh, well, I don't...

Dolly's staying overnight.

Oh, fine, fine.
Why don't I fix us all a drink.

Good idea. You all go in the living
room, and I'll get out the ice.

Gus.

Okay, who is she,
one of your mother's friends?

Tell me the truth, Sam.
Is she another witch?

No, she's not a witch.

Anything the matter?

These things should be nailed on.
I just threw a shoe.

Ice.

Well, Darrin's got this great
campaign mapped out for me...

but now all I need is a couple of
thousand dollars to put it into action.

A couple of thousand?
That ain't hay.

Gus certainly has come up with this
great new idea for an office lamp.

Trouble is,
I pushed my credit to the limit...

trying to get it
into production and...

Could I have a little more meat,
Samantha?

Oh, sure, Gus.

It's not only delicious, but when I
get nervous like this, I eat like a horse.

Now, what kind of a crack is that?

Dolly's an animal lover.

Well, anyway, here I am
with a better office lamp...

and nobody's gonna beat a path
to my door if they don't know about it.

All you inventors
ought to be required...

to take a course
in practical finances.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't we all go
to the track tomorrow...

and I'll show you
how to pick the winners.

For a minute there,
I thought you had a good idea.

Well, I wouldn't do this
for most people...

but I kind of like Old Paint here...

and for a 2-dollar investment,
he can make himself a bundle.

You...? You go to the track often?

I practically live there.

Really? Do you follow the horses?

Always. That's my trouble.

Well, I think it's a marvellous idea.
I'm all for it.

Honey, you can't be serious.

We could save ourselves
a lot of trouble...

just by taking Gus' money
and burning it.

That's only because
you don't know the horses.

- And you do?
- Personally.

Darrin, really, what can I lose?

Just a few dollars...

and it's just about my only chance.

Scratch an inventor,
and you'll find a gambler.

We've gotta be gamblers.

- Then it's all settled.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

With Dolly as our leader,
we can't lose.

- Coffee, anybody? Excuse me.
- Black for me.

Never mind the coffee,
I'll just take the sugar.

In lumps, if you've got it.

- I'll help you, honey.
- I don't need any help.

I'll help you.

I wanna talk to you.

- When?
- Now.

I have a feeling there's something
you're not telling me about that lady.

- You do?
- I'm right, huh?

- There's something fishy about her.
- No.

Not fishy exactly.

- Horsy.
- Horsy?

Like, "Giddyup, horsy"?

Of course. She's a horse, right?

Yes, that's right. And you should
see her. She's beautiful.

- Her name is Dallyrand, and she's...
- She's a horse?

Yes.

A "horse" horse?

A racehorse horse.

You mean we've been chatting
and having dinner with a...?

You mean you turned a horse...?

You turned a horse...?

You mean, with a mane and a tail?

Oh, Sam, you did it again.

Darrin, I've never turned
a horse into a person before.

- What kind of an excuse is that?
- Look, I know how you feel.

But when you've heard her story,
you'll understand.

- Wanna bet?
- No.

But I think Gus should.
He needs the money.

And when Dolly says
she knows horses...

she means
she really knows horses.

But the fact remains that
right now one of my best friends...

is sitting out in the living room
talking to a horse.

Darrin, don't you think you're being
just a little bit short-sighted?

I mean, look at it this way.

How many people
have the opportunity...

of really getting to know a horse?

Well, I mean, you might kick
yourself for the rest of your life...

if you didn't take advantage
of this opportunity.

You've got to be kidding.

Well, then think about Gus.

He's 35 years old, and he's
worked 10 years on his invention.

This may be his only chance...

to get enough money
to put it on the market.

You think I'm being selfish?

Oh, Darrin, it's only for one day,
and what harm can it do? Please.

I don't know, Sam. How can we
be sure that Dolly's tips are sure-fire?

Darrin...

you're getting it straight
from the horse's mouth.

Good night.
That was a great dinner.

Thanks, Gus.

And Dolly, I can't tell you how excited
I am about tomorrow.

We'll pick you up at the motel.

I'll probably be up all night
studying the racing form.

Oh, forget it.
That's just for people.

Well, good night.

Now, Darrin, don't worry
about Gus and his money.

Oh, I don't mean to suggest
the races are fixed...

but I do happen to know
a little more than your usual bettors.

Relax, Dolly. Relax.

He knows.
I told him you're a horse.

Oh, is that why you were so quiet?

I'm sorry, Dolly, it's just that...

Well, I never chatted
with a horse before.

I mean... I don't know
what horses talk about.

Oh, the same things
people talk about:

The weather, working conditions,
the usual track gossip.

Like which horse
is gonna win the race?

No. Remember, we're all nobility.

Arabian blood and all that sort of jazz.
We horses are out there to win.

That's nice to know.

That's my life's dream.

There's at least one great race
left in this old bangtail.

I'd love to see myself
in that winner's circle just once.

Oh, I tell you,
the way I feel right now...

I'd like to sit down and have
myself a good long whinny.

Dolly, that's just because
you're tired.

You need a rest.
You've had a hard day.

Maybe you're right.
Where's the barn?

- I'll show you to the guest room.
- Just one race.

Just one race before I go
to the great pasture in the sky.

You just had a conversation
with a horse.

You've definitely flipped.

The horses are approaching
the starting gate.

Hey, Samantha, guess who's
still entered in the sixth race.

- Dallyrand.
- Yep, he hasn't scratched me...

Her yet.

Hey, Adorable Diane's in that race.
I've heard of her.

See? See? What did I tell you?
See? See?

Dolly, just relax.
Try and enjoy yourself.

Dolly, suppose we go down to the
paddock and look over the horses.

- You can pick me a winner.
- Oh, the paddock's for peasants.

Let's go to the stables,
and I'll talk to the horses.

This is Diamond Turkey.
Nice, huh? He goes in the fourth.

- Doesn't look too good to me.
- Me neither.

Not so loud.
You'll hurt his feelings.

You can't always judge a horse
by his appearance. Right, Dolly?

Well, you ought to know.

Hey, Diamond Turkey,
how does it look for this race?

Oh, thanks, old buddy. Come on.

Hey...

Diamond Turkey's a long shot.

Are you sure you're sure?

Oh, For heaven's sakes,
get up and go to the window...

and give the man your money.

Go ahead, Gus.

What did Diamond Turkey say?

It's his birthday, and the other horses
are going to let him win.

Isn't that nice?

I thought these races
were on the level.

Well, sure, but we run
a benefit once in a while.

They're turning for home.

It's Invincible Irma in front
by three lengths.

Beautiful Pride is second,
Dasher's third...

and Diamond Turkey on the outside.

Here comes Diamond Turkey
on the outside.

It's now Diamond Turkey
taking the lead into the stretch...

by two and a half lengths.
Invincible Irma is second.

And Diamond Turkey
wins it all by himself.

He won! He won!

- Dolly, you're a real horse.
- Player.

- Player.
- Happy birthday!

Hey, Romping Roger.

Sure?

Well, does he look good today?

Romping Roger, number five.
He'll romp home.

What is this, a wedding
or an anniversary or something?

No, he just told me he's hot today.

Look. Money.
Isn't that beautiful?

Put half in your pocket and
the rest on number five's nose.

Anything you say, Dolly.
You're one of the greats.

How do you like living
on the other side of the track?

You know something? I'd have to train
a while, but I could get to like it.

They're turning for home, and
Romping Roger on the rail in front.

Now it's My Favorite Martian
on the outside.

Through the stretch, it's Romping
Roger on the rail in front ahead.

On the outside,
Favorite Martian driving hard.

It's Favorite Martian on the rail,
with Romping Roger ahead.

It's Favorite Martian.
Favorite Martian ahead on the line.

Romping Roger is second.

What's that mean?

What's that mean?

Come on, Dolly.

Oh, I should've known it.
That plug always talks a big race.

Look, here he comes now
with a whole mouthful of excuses.

Benedict Arnold!

Hey, take it easy.

- Oh, I beg your...
- Watch it, will you?

- It's you.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Spindler.

- Hello.
- Did you find your horse?

No, I'm still looking for her.
I have no idea where she is.

Well, I'm on Dallyrand's side.

I don't blame her for not coming back,
the way you felt about her.

Now, just a minute.
I happen to love that little horse.

- You do?
- Okay, so she wasn't a winner...

but I liked her personality.

Anyway, I sure could
use her right now.

I had to scratch Adorable Diane.
I don't have an entry for the sixth race.

You scratched Adorable Diane?
That little old showboat?

Yep. She came up lame
this morning.

Well, I sure am sorry
to hear about that.

Well, that's what makes
horse races.

Well, thank you for the philosophy.

The only thing that can help me
right now is Dallyrand.

Dallyrand is not a thing.

Dolly, can I speak to you
for a moment?

- Yeah, but take it easy on my fetlock.
- Oh, sorry.

See you later, Mr. Spindler.

Yeah.

- This is your big chance.
- Oh, yeah.

I know I could beat that whole pack
in the sixth race, but not on two legs.

- Oh, Sam, I'm a born loser.
- You're still entered.

- You haven't been scratched yet.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- All you have to do is show up...

- as your real self.
- Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Okay, let me have it. Oh, hold it.

Tell that nice Gus Walters to bet
everything he's got on me in the sixth.

- Remember, I'm number one.
- I will.

I'm gonna miss you.
It's been nice knowing you.

Yeah, me too, Sam.
Well, thanks for everything.

Okay, fire away.

There you are, Dolly.
Okay, on your way, and good luck.

Dallyrand, baby.
Where did you come from?

You look in great shape.

We still have time. Come on.

The horses are approaching
the starting gate.

But it's crazy. Dallyrand
hasn't won a race in years.

No, sir. I'm keeping
the money I have left.

Gus, you can't. This is it. Dolly said
to bet everything on that horse.

Look, Dolly's not infallible.
Her last tip didn't pay off.

Where is Dolly anyway?

She was called away
on a family emergency.

- Family emergency?
- Her sister hurt herself.

Gus, please.
Bet on number one, please.

Look at the odds. Ninety-nine to one,
Darrin. Nothing doing.

Gus, Dolly said if you never bet on
another horse in your life, bet on her.

I mean Dallyrand.

Look, Gus, if you won't take a sensible
recommendation, then take a silly one.

Dolly Rand. Dallyrand.

Get it? It's a great hunch bet.

Now you're making sense.

It is now post time.

- Well, I did it.
- Good boy, Gus.

The flag is up.

There they go.

Fantasy is drawing to the front.
Big Helen is second...

- Come on, Dolly.
- Why did I do it?

Why'd I let you talk me into it?

Will you stop? You're beginning to
make me nervous. Come on, Dolly.

Passing the stands the first time,
it's Big Helen in front by a head.

Knows Nothing is second on
the outside, two and a half lengths.

Spanish Don is third,
Montique is fourth...

- Come on, Dallyrand.
- Oh, I know you can do it.

- Around the clubhouse turn...
- Come on, Dallyrand!

- Where is she?
- She's running last.

- She's running last.
- Montique is fourth.

Dallyrand is trailing.

Come on, Dolly. Come on, Dolly.

- Come on.
- Might as well tear these up.

- Gus, wait until after the race.
- Come on, Dolly.

Tell me when it's over.
I can't bear to look.

- Come on, old girl.
- I know she can do it.

Pioneer and Latke and Dallyrand.

- Come on, come on. Come on, girl.
- Come on.

- By one length, and now
Dallyrand coming on the outside.

- There goes Dallyrand.
- Look at her move!

Knows Nothing in front by one length.
Montique is second...

and Dallyrand on the rail. Dallyrand
passing Orchards on the inside.

She's passing them all.

I can't stand it. I can't bear to look.

Around the turn, it's Knows Nothing
in front three quarters of a length.

Venture Out is second a length,
Montique is third.

And Dallyrand on the rail...

turning into the stretch.

It's Knows Nothing in front one length,
Venture Out is second.

And Dallyrand on the inside.
Here comes Dallyrand.

- Come on, Dolly.
- Come on, girl.

Venture Out in second,
Spanish Don, Dallyrand on the rail.

- Move! Move!
- Come on, Dolly.

Dallyrand on the rail.
Venture Out is third.

It's Knows Nothing in front.

And Dallyrand on the rail.
Here comes Dallyrand!

It's Dallyrand taking the lead!

It's Dallyrand in front!

Here she comes,
she's gonna make it!

And Dallyrand wins it!

She won.

She won it! She won it!

That Dolly can sure pick a winner!

It takes one to know one.

Congratulations, Mr. Spindler.

You betcha.
A great day for Towner's Stables.

You got yourself
a real champion there.

You know it.
Say, your friend was absolutely right.

She's got a lot of horse sense.
I'll never hold her back again.

All she needed was a chance.

Will you look at that.

You got a great horse there.
She's almost human.