Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 2, Episode 21 - Fastest Gun on Madison Avenue - full transcript
While Samantha waits for Darrin alone in a fancy restaurant, she is hit upon by an obnoxious drunk who refuses to leave her alone despite her constantly telling him to do so. Darrin, upon his arrival and seeing the situation, wants to protect his wife's honor which leads to a physical altercation with the drunk. As it looks as if Darrin is going to get beat up by his much larger adversary, Samantha decides to use witchcraft to knock out the drunk, which on-lookers believe was all Darrin's fists doing. Later in private, Darrin is humiliated that his wife fought his battle for him. However, Darrin and Samantha just want to put the incident behind them and move on. That may not be easy as the rest of the world won't leave the story alone as unknown to Samantha and Darrin at the time, the drunk is heavyweight contender Jolting Joe Kovacks. The story ends up being front page news. The front page story has three resulting outcomes. First, Kovacks, despite being truly sorry for his actions which were the result of him being intoxicated, may have lost the opportunity for the championship fight, and will need to prove to the world that he still deserves the opportunity. Second, Darrin and Samantha have to come to an understanding about what she will and will not use her witchcraft for in relation to fighting his battles. And third, others may want their shot at fighting Darrin, one in particular who has ulterior motives with regard to Kovacks.
You can send me two pounds
of onions...
a pound of butter...
a head of lettuce...
and 60 cans of wax beans.
Yes, that's right, 60 cans.
Bye-bye.
They're having a sale on wax beans.
- I see.
- You know, by buying 60 cans...
- I save 3 cents a can.
- Wonderful.
And it also takes care
of all your wax-bean buying...
for the next 15 or 16 years.
- Are you making fun of me?
- Of course not.
You know, there's a lot more
to running a house...
than most people think.
Did you know that lemon juice
takes out ink stains?
- No, I didn't.
- See that?
Honey, I think it's wonderful
the way you've adjusted.
Bet there's not a witch in a thousand
who'd do as well.
I love being a housewife.
You sure you won't get bored
once the novelty has worn off?
How could I be bored being
married to someone like you?
Lady, you've just talked yourself
into dinner for two...
at the best restaurant in town.
I'll see you tonight.
I'm Mrs. Darrin Stephens.
- Has my husband arrived yet?
- Not yet, Mrs. Stephens.
Right this way, please.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Can I get you anything from the bar?
- Oh, no, thank you. I'll wait.
Is there something
I can do for you, beautiful?
Yes, you can go away.
I dig blonds with class.
Now, why don't you and I get
to know each other a little bit better.
Please leave.
I'm expecting my husband
any moment...
and he has a very violent temper.
- Excuse me.
- Hi, honey.
- This man been bothering you?
- It's nothing.
This little blond here tells me
that you're a very tough guy.
This little blond
happens to be my wife...
- and if you don't...
- Darrin. Darrin, he's...
Well, let's leave.
Darrin.
That's a pretty name
for a tough guy.
Now, look, you. I don't...
- Does that hurt, Darrin, baby?
- You let go of him.
This is just for openers, Darrin.
Why, you...
Come on, Darrin, let's leave.
Oh, my stars.
Breakfast ready, honey?
No. No, just a minute, sweetheart.
Darrin?
Are you still mad at me?
Honey, I'm not mad at you.
I'm just disappointed.
I was only trying to help.
I know, sweetheart,
and I appreciate it.
- But you're not supposed to.
- Why not?
When a man's wife is being annoyed
by a drunk in a bar...
the man's the one who's supposed
to do something about it.
- Well, you did, didn't you?
- Oh, sure.
I took a wild swing, and I missed.
You twitched your nose
and knocked him cold.
Does it still hurt?
Darling, I just can't stand by
and do nothing when you're in trouble.
You'd do the same for me
if you could, wouldn't you?
Yeah, sure.
Let's pretend the whole thing
never happened.
- Let's just forget about it.
- Okay.
Honey, where's the morning paper?
Morning paper?
Oh, never mind. I see it.
Samantha!
Abner!
Something you wish
to call my attention to, Gladys?
The Stephens.
They're fighting with each other.
You saw it
on your private radar screen.
No. No.
He... He... He...
Mr. Stephens is gonna
be the next heavyweight champion.
That's wild, all right.
But not as wild as some of the things
you've been dreaming up about them.
- Maybe you're getting better.
- All right, Mr. Know-It-All.
Look, it's right here in the paper.
Mr. Stephens, wait a minute.
May I have your autograph?
- Mr. Kravitz. You're kidding.
- You're a celebrity, Mr. Stephens.
Sign right here where it says
"next heavyweight champ."
Me, living next door to the man who
knocked out "Jolting" Joe Kovack.
- Can you imagine that?
- No.
I'm sure glad I got your autograph
this morning...
while you can
still write your name.
What does that mean?
You didn't see Kovack's fight
with "No-Nose" Novotni?
No. Excuse me, Mr. Kravitz.
- I have to get to the office.
- Sure.
Of course, they didn't start calling
Novotni "No-Nose" until after the fight.
- Hi, Johnny.
- Good morning, Mr. Stephens.
- Are you okay?
- Sure. Shouldn't I be?
After the Tomson-Kovack rematch...
Tomson had both shoulders
in a cast for three months.
And he was lucky.
- Lucky?
- Yeah, it was a glancing blow.
- The next time you run into Kovack...
- Yeah?
Be in your car.
- Mr. Stephens?
- Not right now, Barbara.
- But...
- And I don't want to be disturbed.
All right.
- Okay, but you'll get the chair for this.
- Easy, Mac.
- Stupid, here, just come to apologize.
- Yeah.
Apologize?
Well, he...
He certainly should apologize.
Annoying my wife
and assaulting me and going...
Look, pal, I had a couple of shots,
and, well I ain't used to it.
Most of the time, I'm in training.
See what I mean?
Now, about that assault bit, sport.
We got some witnesses and a picture.
Now, this picture shows my tiger
out cold and you standing over him.
I still say I never saw
the punch he hit me with.
Yeah, the whole thing was magic,
like he did it with mirrors.
- As a matter of fact...
- Let's get down to business, right?
Now, I figure you and Joe meet
at Dundee's Bar again...
- and he apologizes to you in public.
- Oh, that won't be necessary.
- Shut up.
- The sooner, the better, is what I say.
So we'll make it at lunchtime today.
Now, I'll fix it so there'll be plenty
of reporters and camera guys around.
- You dig?
- No.
Don't you know what that lucky punch
of yours last night cost us?
A million bucks. Maybe 2 million.
You knocked us right out
of a title fight.
- I did? Why?
- Because who's gonna pay to see us?
I mean, me, fight Tommy Carter,
the champ...
after I've been KO'd
by a square named Darrin.
- I got a good mind to...
- Shut up.
So at Dundee's place,
Joe's gonna apologize...
like the clean-cut fella he is, only
you ain't gonna accept his apology.
Sure, I will. I'm a good sport.
Ask anybody.
No, Darrin. You're a lousy sport.
You're gonna refuse
to shake hands with him.
One thing is gonna lead
to another...
you'll throw a couple of punches...
and Joe is gonna lay you out.
- Joe is gonna pull his punch, natch.
- Natch.
He's just gonna graze you,
and you go down, and you stay down.
Are you suggesting
that I take a dive?
I won't do it. It's un-American.
So if Joe busts your jaw for real,
you're a patriot?
- Can I kind of lean on him right now?
- Not now.
Later, maybe.
Darrin, I don't think you're
in no position to dicker.
- May I think about it?
- Why not. Take your time.
Take about 10 seconds.
I'm up here in the nursery,
Mrs. Kravitz.
Okay.
- Hello there, Mrs. Stephens.
- Hi.
- What are you doing?
- It's a pony for Tabatha.
Isn't she a little too young to ride?
Abner says that if he were
Mr. Stephens, he'd be hiding out.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm just telling you what Abner said.
He says Kovacks is gonna catch up
with him and give it to him good.
Hello. This is Mrs. Stephens.
Is my husband there?
Did anything unusual happen?
Did you say Dundee's?
No, no. No message. Thank you.
They're meeting for lunch.
It's an ambush.
You've got to warn him.
- I'll tell you, I'll babysit and you go. Go.
- All right.
Tabatha's been fed,
and I'm sure you'll have no problem.
Problems. It'll be a pleasure.
Oh, Mrs. Stephens, aren't you going
to change before you go out?
Oh, of course.
What could I have been thinking of?
Goodbye.
Hey, ain't you what's-his-name?
The guy that creamed Joe Kovack?
You're confusing me
with someone else. Excuse me.
You're him.
You're the guy, all right.
Well, you don't look so tough to me.
Put them up.
Come on, put them up. Come on.
Come on.
Hey, come on. Fight.
You, I know I can lick.
- And I don't want no mistakes.
- Okay. All right.
Well, I owe you an apology.
- Oh, yeah?
- No hard feelings?
Get lost.
Give me a double martini.
Look, friend,
I'm trying to be a nice guy.
Beat it before I flatten you again.
Now, friend...
Don't call me "friend," you...
You louse!
All right, put them up.
Samantha.
Samantha. Samantha!
Samantha!
Sam, you're supposed to be my wife,
not my bodyguard.
Darrin, how was I supposed to know
the whole thing was a fake?
What was I supposed to do?
Let him hit me.
You mean just stand around
and look happy...
- while he puts you in the hospital?
- Yes.
Well, I don't mean that.
He wasn't really going to hit me.
- You sure?
- I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry.
I really did mess things up, didn't I?
I'll figure some way out of this, but
you've gotta promise me one thing.
- Anything you say.
- Don't do it again.
I mean, if you see me squaring off
with a locomotive, don't twitch.
Go read a book or something.
Understand?
Yes, sir.
In the future,
let me fight my own battles.
- Okay. Okay, I promise.
- Okay.
Abner.
Hey, Abner.
Abner, put that flute down
and come and help me.
Help you what?
Help me put this box
over there on the sofa.
- You got it?
- Yeah. What have you got in here...
some of your icebox cookies?
I'll tell you in a minute.
Abner. Abner, he did it again.
- Who did what?
- Mr. Stephens.
I just heard it on the car radio.
That boxer got snippy again,
so Mr. Stephens hit him.
- Where?
- In the bar.
It took three seconds
to knock him out cold.
The fight game
isn't what it used to be.
Abner, what would you do if someone
made a pass at me in a bar?
- I'd faint.
- No, I'm serious.
Now, supposing a man tried
to kiss me, what would you do?
Put a dime in his tin cup,
pat his Seeing Eye dog and go home.
- Now, what's in the box?
- Something for that stomach of yours.
- They have a sale of bicarbonate?
- You're out of shape, Abner.
I was born that way.
Well, anyway...
I decided that the one thing you
needed in your life was a dumbbell.
So you married me.
Funny. Very funny.
Put that flute down.
Doesn't it bother you
that every time I go out...
I am fair game for any playboy
that has a roving eye?
Gladys, if Richard Burton
can live with it, so can I.
That's not a good enough answer.
It's my responsibility
to keep you healthy and fit.
I don't want to be healthy and fit.
I paid good money
for this dumbbell...
and you're gonna be healthy
and fit if it kills you.
Hi, Darrin.
- Would you mind explaining this?
- It's the morning newspaper.
I know it's the morning newspaper.
What I want explained is...
You mean there's more?
- Possibly in the afternoon newspaper.
- Possibly?
Probably.
I went to lunch at Dundee's today,
and I met Kovack again.
And he dumped you
right on the seat of your pants...
in front of a whole roomful
of people.
Not exactly.
- There weren't a lot of people around?
- The bar was jammed.
There were reporters
and photographers.
- They took a lot of pictures.
- Of what?
Of me dumping Kovack
on the seat of his pants.
You don't believe me.
Frankly, no.
Darrin, remember when
we used to skip lunch...
and work out together in the gym
on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Yeah. You were on a health kick.
You developed a potbelly and...
Never mind about my potbelly.
The point is...
we used to put on the gloves
and spar every now and then.
Sure, I remember, Larry. We used
to kid around a lot in those days.
Well, I had the impression then that
I could take you any time I wanted to...
if we ever tried to mix seriously.
Sure you could, Larry.
Well, there's a clause in my contract
where it says...
I am not allowed to beat up on
my boss on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Fact is, I still think I can take you.
Talk about a case
of arrested development.
Where you going, chicken?
To a saloon.
You meet a much more intelligent
class of people in bars...
than you do
in advertising agencies.
Potbelly!
Thanks, Harry.
We meet again.
Darrin Stephens, right?
No, I just look like him.
Actually, I'm Elroy Aspinwall,
the well-known professional fly-caster.
Look,
you can't keep running forever.
Why don't you and me
just step outside...
and we'll see how tough
you really are.
Okay. Why don't you go out
the back way and wait in the alley?
I'll be along
as soon as I finish my drink.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- That's okay.
Hey, aren't you the guy
that KO'd Kovack?
Look, I just came in
for a nice, quiet drink.
I've been wanting to meet you.
You really creamed him, huh?
That thing with Kovack
was an accident.
An accident? Twice?
- Yes, twice. Now, if you don't mind, I...
- Not so fast.
You know, I don't get it.
You don't look as if you could
knock out my grandmother.
Well, let's just say I was lucky,
and forget it.
I guess those stories about Kovack
having a glass jaw are true.
Yeah, that's right, a glass jaw.
Now, do you mind if I sit down
and finish my drink?
Sure. Right after I've tried
a little experiment.
- Experiment?
- Experiment.
I'm the prettiest,
and I've got an iron jaw.
- So bust me one.
- What?
I mean it.
Give me your Sunday punch.
I'll bet you can't even
make me blink.
Well, go on.
Give it your best, put it to the test...
and I'll put you to rest.
Now, look...
You laid him right out.
- But it was an accident.
- You know who that is?
No, and, frankly, I don't care
as long as he's not another contender.
That's no contender.
That's Tommy Carter, the champ.
Sam. Sam? Sam, where are you?
Sam, where are you?
Who are you calling for?
She changed herself
into someone else so that...
You!
You're Sam.
That's right.
- Sam, what did you do with Harry?
- Harry? Harry went home.
Sam, I've just about had it.
Now, I'm warning you.
When we were married, didn't you
promise to love, honour and obey?
Me?
Do you want to be my wife,
or don't you?
Anything you say, mister.
Only, wouldn't you be
just as happy...
if instead we got to be
very good friends?
Here we go again.
I'm making the front page
more often than the astronauts.
There you are, darling.
I swear to you, I came straight home
after I left your office...
and I haven't been
out of the house since.
Then you kept your promise.
I should've known you would.
You've got to promise me...
you'll stop getting in fights
with world champions.
Honey, I didn't fight him, I fell on him.
My feet got all tangled up.
A likely story, tiger.
I will promise you one thing.
That was my last bout.
Then you're gonna retire, undefeated,
as champion?
Depend on it.
I'll drink to that.
- Hi.
- I should've known it'd be you.
Darrin, I didn't come here
to exchange insults.
You just want me to knock a chip
off your shoulder.
Hi, Sam.
He's all over the papers again.
Tommy Carter came up to the office
looking for you, champ.
- Oh, no.
- It's all right.
- I straightened out everything.
- You did?
You did?
Larry, you're a good man.
- The fact is, he's now working for us.
- For the agency?
Well, not exactly.
But he's agreed to appear...
at the Advertising Club's annual
charity ball. How about that, huh?
Larry, I've said it once,
and I'll say it again...
you are the greatest salesman
in the world.
What's he gonna do,
say a few words?
Oh, better than that.
He's gonna box four rounds
with an opponent of his choice.
With an opponent of his choice?
Larry, you didn't.
It was the only way
I could get him, Sam.
Oh, great.
Don't worry, darling.
Everything is gonna be all right.
- It will?
- Sure.
I'll be in your corner.
Together, we'll be unbeatable.
of onions...
a pound of butter...
a head of lettuce...
and 60 cans of wax beans.
Yes, that's right, 60 cans.
Bye-bye.
They're having a sale on wax beans.
- I see.
- You know, by buying 60 cans...
- I save 3 cents a can.
- Wonderful.
And it also takes care
of all your wax-bean buying...
for the next 15 or 16 years.
- Are you making fun of me?
- Of course not.
You know, there's a lot more
to running a house...
than most people think.
Did you know that lemon juice
takes out ink stains?
- No, I didn't.
- See that?
Honey, I think it's wonderful
the way you've adjusted.
Bet there's not a witch in a thousand
who'd do as well.
I love being a housewife.
You sure you won't get bored
once the novelty has worn off?
How could I be bored being
married to someone like you?
Lady, you've just talked yourself
into dinner for two...
at the best restaurant in town.
I'll see you tonight.
I'm Mrs. Darrin Stephens.
- Has my husband arrived yet?
- Not yet, Mrs. Stephens.
Right this way, please.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Can I get you anything from the bar?
- Oh, no, thank you. I'll wait.
Is there something
I can do for you, beautiful?
Yes, you can go away.
I dig blonds with class.
Now, why don't you and I get
to know each other a little bit better.
Please leave.
I'm expecting my husband
any moment...
and he has a very violent temper.
- Excuse me.
- Hi, honey.
- This man been bothering you?
- It's nothing.
This little blond here tells me
that you're a very tough guy.
This little blond
happens to be my wife...
- and if you don't...
- Darrin. Darrin, he's...
Well, let's leave.
Darrin.
That's a pretty name
for a tough guy.
Now, look, you. I don't...
- Does that hurt, Darrin, baby?
- You let go of him.
This is just for openers, Darrin.
Why, you...
Come on, Darrin, let's leave.
Oh, my stars.
Breakfast ready, honey?
No. No, just a minute, sweetheart.
Darrin?
Are you still mad at me?
Honey, I'm not mad at you.
I'm just disappointed.
I was only trying to help.
I know, sweetheart,
and I appreciate it.
- But you're not supposed to.
- Why not?
When a man's wife is being annoyed
by a drunk in a bar...
the man's the one who's supposed
to do something about it.
- Well, you did, didn't you?
- Oh, sure.
I took a wild swing, and I missed.
You twitched your nose
and knocked him cold.
Does it still hurt?
Darling, I just can't stand by
and do nothing when you're in trouble.
You'd do the same for me
if you could, wouldn't you?
Yeah, sure.
Let's pretend the whole thing
never happened.
- Let's just forget about it.
- Okay.
Honey, where's the morning paper?
Morning paper?
Oh, never mind. I see it.
Samantha!
Abner!
Something you wish
to call my attention to, Gladys?
The Stephens.
They're fighting with each other.
You saw it
on your private radar screen.
No. No.
He... He... He...
Mr. Stephens is gonna
be the next heavyweight champion.
That's wild, all right.
But not as wild as some of the things
you've been dreaming up about them.
- Maybe you're getting better.
- All right, Mr. Know-It-All.
Look, it's right here in the paper.
Mr. Stephens, wait a minute.
May I have your autograph?
- Mr. Kravitz. You're kidding.
- You're a celebrity, Mr. Stephens.
Sign right here where it says
"next heavyweight champ."
Me, living next door to the man who
knocked out "Jolting" Joe Kovack.
- Can you imagine that?
- No.
I'm sure glad I got your autograph
this morning...
while you can
still write your name.
What does that mean?
You didn't see Kovack's fight
with "No-Nose" Novotni?
No. Excuse me, Mr. Kravitz.
- I have to get to the office.
- Sure.
Of course, they didn't start calling
Novotni "No-Nose" until after the fight.
- Hi, Johnny.
- Good morning, Mr. Stephens.
- Are you okay?
- Sure. Shouldn't I be?
After the Tomson-Kovack rematch...
Tomson had both shoulders
in a cast for three months.
And he was lucky.
- Lucky?
- Yeah, it was a glancing blow.
- The next time you run into Kovack...
- Yeah?
Be in your car.
- Mr. Stephens?
- Not right now, Barbara.
- But...
- And I don't want to be disturbed.
All right.
- Okay, but you'll get the chair for this.
- Easy, Mac.
- Stupid, here, just come to apologize.
- Yeah.
Apologize?
Well, he...
He certainly should apologize.
Annoying my wife
and assaulting me and going...
Look, pal, I had a couple of shots,
and, well I ain't used to it.
Most of the time, I'm in training.
See what I mean?
Now, about that assault bit, sport.
We got some witnesses and a picture.
Now, this picture shows my tiger
out cold and you standing over him.
I still say I never saw
the punch he hit me with.
Yeah, the whole thing was magic,
like he did it with mirrors.
- As a matter of fact...
- Let's get down to business, right?
Now, I figure you and Joe meet
at Dundee's Bar again...
- and he apologizes to you in public.
- Oh, that won't be necessary.
- Shut up.
- The sooner, the better, is what I say.
So we'll make it at lunchtime today.
Now, I'll fix it so there'll be plenty
of reporters and camera guys around.
- You dig?
- No.
Don't you know what that lucky punch
of yours last night cost us?
A million bucks. Maybe 2 million.
You knocked us right out
of a title fight.
- I did? Why?
- Because who's gonna pay to see us?
I mean, me, fight Tommy Carter,
the champ...
after I've been KO'd
by a square named Darrin.
- I got a good mind to...
- Shut up.
So at Dundee's place,
Joe's gonna apologize...
like the clean-cut fella he is, only
you ain't gonna accept his apology.
Sure, I will. I'm a good sport.
Ask anybody.
No, Darrin. You're a lousy sport.
You're gonna refuse
to shake hands with him.
One thing is gonna lead
to another...
you'll throw a couple of punches...
and Joe is gonna lay you out.
- Joe is gonna pull his punch, natch.
- Natch.
He's just gonna graze you,
and you go down, and you stay down.
Are you suggesting
that I take a dive?
I won't do it. It's un-American.
So if Joe busts your jaw for real,
you're a patriot?
- Can I kind of lean on him right now?
- Not now.
Later, maybe.
Darrin, I don't think you're
in no position to dicker.
- May I think about it?
- Why not. Take your time.
Take about 10 seconds.
I'm up here in the nursery,
Mrs. Kravitz.
Okay.
- Hello there, Mrs. Stephens.
- Hi.
- What are you doing?
- It's a pony for Tabatha.
Isn't she a little too young to ride?
Abner says that if he were
Mr. Stephens, he'd be hiding out.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm just telling you what Abner said.
He says Kovacks is gonna catch up
with him and give it to him good.
Hello. This is Mrs. Stephens.
Is my husband there?
Did anything unusual happen?
Did you say Dundee's?
No, no. No message. Thank you.
They're meeting for lunch.
It's an ambush.
You've got to warn him.
- I'll tell you, I'll babysit and you go. Go.
- All right.
Tabatha's been fed,
and I'm sure you'll have no problem.
Problems. It'll be a pleasure.
Oh, Mrs. Stephens, aren't you going
to change before you go out?
Oh, of course.
What could I have been thinking of?
Goodbye.
Hey, ain't you what's-his-name?
The guy that creamed Joe Kovack?
You're confusing me
with someone else. Excuse me.
You're him.
You're the guy, all right.
Well, you don't look so tough to me.
Put them up.
Come on, put them up. Come on.
Come on.
Hey, come on. Fight.
You, I know I can lick.
- And I don't want no mistakes.
- Okay. All right.
Well, I owe you an apology.
- Oh, yeah?
- No hard feelings?
Get lost.
Give me a double martini.
Look, friend,
I'm trying to be a nice guy.
Beat it before I flatten you again.
Now, friend...
Don't call me "friend," you...
You louse!
All right, put them up.
Samantha.
Samantha. Samantha!
Samantha!
Sam, you're supposed to be my wife,
not my bodyguard.
Darrin, how was I supposed to know
the whole thing was a fake?
What was I supposed to do?
Let him hit me.
You mean just stand around
and look happy...
- while he puts you in the hospital?
- Yes.
Well, I don't mean that.
He wasn't really going to hit me.
- You sure?
- I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry.
I really did mess things up, didn't I?
I'll figure some way out of this, but
you've gotta promise me one thing.
- Anything you say.
- Don't do it again.
I mean, if you see me squaring off
with a locomotive, don't twitch.
Go read a book or something.
Understand?
Yes, sir.
In the future,
let me fight my own battles.
- Okay. Okay, I promise.
- Okay.
Abner.
Hey, Abner.
Abner, put that flute down
and come and help me.
Help you what?
Help me put this box
over there on the sofa.
- You got it?
- Yeah. What have you got in here...
some of your icebox cookies?
I'll tell you in a minute.
Abner. Abner, he did it again.
- Who did what?
- Mr. Stephens.
I just heard it on the car radio.
That boxer got snippy again,
so Mr. Stephens hit him.
- Where?
- In the bar.
It took three seconds
to knock him out cold.
The fight game
isn't what it used to be.
Abner, what would you do if someone
made a pass at me in a bar?
- I'd faint.
- No, I'm serious.
Now, supposing a man tried
to kiss me, what would you do?
Put a dime in his tin cup,
pat his Seeing Eye dog and go home.
- Now, what's in the box?
- Something for that stomach of yours.
- They have a sale of bicarbonate?
- You're out of shape, Abner.
I was born that way.
Well, anyway...
I decided that the one thing you
needed in your life was a dumbbell.
So you married me.
Funny. Very funny.
Put that flute down.
Doesn't it bother you
that every time I go out...
I am fair game for any playboy
that has a roving eye?
Gladys, if Richard Burton
can live with it, so can I.
That's not a good enough answer.
It's my responsibility
to keep you healthy and fit.
I don't want to be healthy and fit.
I paid good money
for this dumbbell...
and you're gonna be healthy
and fit if it kills you.
Hi, Darrin.
- Would you mind explaining this?
- It's the morning newspaper.
I know it's the morning newspaper.
What I want explained is...
You mean there's more?
- Possibly in the afternoon newspaper.
- Possibly?
Probably.
I went to lunch at Dundee's today,
and I met Kovack again.
And he dumped you
right on the seat of your pants...
in front of a whole roomful
of people.
Not exactly.
- There weren't a lot of people around?
- The bar was jammed.
There were reporters
and photographers.
- They took a lot of pictures.
- Of what?
Of me dumping Kovack
on the seat of his pants.
You don't believe me.
Frankly, no.
Darrin, remember when
we used to skip lunch...
and work out together in the gym
on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Yeah. You were on a health kick.
You developed a potbelly and...
Never mind about my potbelly.
The point is...
we used to put on the gloves
and spar every now and then.
Sure, I remember, Larry. We used
to kid around a lot in those days.
Well, I had the impression then that
I could take you any time I wanted to...
if we ever tried to mix seriously.
Sure you could, Larry.
Well, there's a clause in my contract
where it says...
I am not allowed to beat up on
my boss on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Fact is, I still think I can take you.
Talk about a case
of arrested development.
Where you going, chicken?
To a saloon.
You meet a much more intelligent
class of people in bars...
than you do
in advertising agencies.
Potbelly!
Thanks, Harry.
We meet again.
Darrin Stephens, right?
No, I just look like him.
Actually, I'm Elroy Aspinwall,
the well-known professional fly-caster.
Look,
you can't keep running forever.
Why don't you and me
just step outside...
and we'll see how tough
you really are.
Okay. Why don't you go out
the back way and wait in the alley?
I'll be along
as soon as I finish my drink.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- That's okay.
Hey, aren't you the guy
that KO'd Kovack?
Look, I just came in
for a nice, quiet drink.
I've been wanting to meet you.
You really creamed him, huh?
That thing with Kovack
was an accident.
An accident? Twice?
- Yes, twice. Now, if you don't mind, I...
- Not so fast.
You know, I don't get it.
You don't look as if you could
knock out my grandmother.
Well, let's just say I was lucky,
and forget it.
I guess those stories about Kovack
having a glass jaw are true.
Yeah, that's right, a glass jaw.
Now, do you mind if I sit down
and finish my drink?
Sure. Right after I've tried
a little experiment.
- Experiment?
- Experiment.
I'm the prettiest,
and I've got an iron jaw.
- So bust me one.
- What?
I mean it.
Give me your Sunday punch.
I'll bet you can't even
make me blink.
Well, go on.
Give it your best, put it to the test...
and I'll put you to rest.
Now, look...
You laid him right out.
- But it was an accident.
- You know who that is?
No, and, frankly, I don't care
as long as he's not another contender.
That's no contender.
That's Tommy Carter, the champ.
Sam. Sam? Sam, where are you?
Sam, where are you?
Who are you calling for?
She changed herself
into someone else so that...
You!
You're Sam.
That's right.
- Sam, what did you do with Harry?
- Harry? Harry went home.
Sam, I've just about had it.
Now, I'm warning you.
When we were married, didn't you
promise to love, honour and obey?
Me?
Do you want to be my wife,
or don't you?
Anything you say, mister.
Only, wouldn't you be
just as happy...
if instead we got to be
very good friends?
Here we go again.
I'm making the front page
more often than the astronauts.
There you are, darling.
I swear to you, I came straight home
after I left your office...
and I haven't been
out of the house since.
Then you kept your promise.
I should've known you would.
You've got to promise me...
you'll stop getting in fights
with world champions.
Honey, I didn't fight him, I fell on him.
My feet got all tangled up.
A likely story, tiger.
I will promise you one thing.
That was my last bout.
Then you're gonna retire, undefeated,
as champion?
Depend on it.
I'll drink to that.
- Hi.
- I should've known it'd be you.
Darrin, I didn't come here
to exchange insults.
You just want me to knock a chip
off your shoulder.
Hi, Sam.
He's all over the papers again.
Tommy Carter came up to the office
looking for you, champ.
- Oh, no.
- It's all right.
- I straightened out everything.
- You did?
You did?
Larry, you're a good man.
- The fact is, he's now working for us.
- For the agency?
Well, not exactly.
But he's agreed to appear...
at the Advertising Club's annual
charity ball. How about that, huh?
Larry, I've said it once,
and I'll say it again...
you are the greatest salesman
in the world.
What's he gonna do,
say a few words?
Oh, better than that.
He's gonna box four rounds
with an opponent of his choice.
With an opponent of his choice?
Larry, you didn't.
It was the only way
I could get him, Sam.
Oh, great.
Don't worry, darling.
Everything is gonna be all right.
- It will?
- Sure.
I'll be in your corner.
Together, we'll be unbeatable.