Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 5 - Help, Help, Don't Save Me - full transcript

Darrin is having a mental block coming up with a campaign for one of his oldest and most lucrative clients, Caldwell Soups. He needs to come up with something that will impress Mr. Caldwell, since the soup business is a highly competitive one, and Caldwell has been losing market share. Darrin's ideas he believes are almost what he wants, but he realizes something is missing with each creative. When Samantha looks at his ideas, she has a brilliant fix for each. Darrin is initially grateful for her help, until he comes to the belief that her ideas were all a result of witchcraft. Despite her assertion that her ideas were all out of her own imagination and not witchcraft, Darrin doesn't believe her and refuses to use any of her ideas. But if he doesn't, he risks losing the account. But worse, he risks losing Samantha for not believing her. But one thing may show Darrin for certain if Samantha is telling the truth about those creative ideas.

[ENDORA CHUCKLING]

Good morning, darling.

Or should I be more
specific and say,

"Good 4:00 in the morning"?

What are you doing up so early?

I'm not up early.

I'm up late. One
party after another.

I haven't been to bed yet.

And neither have
you, apparently.

Well, it's typical,
typical, typical. Of what?

Of the neglected housewife.



Drinking coffee, eaten
alive by suspicion,

her husband out till the wee
small hours of the morning,

doing... whatever
it is he's doing.

Darrin's working in the study.

You're joking.

No. He's been working
till the wee small hours

every night this week.

Oh, well. Lust
is lust, I suppose.

Whether it's for women
or money, it's all the same.

It has nothing to do with lust.

He's creating a new
campaign for Caldwell's Soup.

Ambition.

Thoroughly immoral
and foolishly mortal.

Darrin's a very dedicated man.



So is Caesar,

and all it got
him is a torn toga.

He was such a nice man too.

[GIGGLES]

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna take
Darrin some coffee.

Very well.

And you can tell What's-His-Name

that any man with
a wife like you,

who spends every
night with a can of soup,

must be even less than human.

[♪♪♪]

[RINGING]

[RINGING STOPS]

Sweetheart, you've
been up all night.

You'll get sick.

I will not get sick. I am sick.

Nothing's worth
your killing yourself.

I won't have this.

Oh, don't worry,
sweetheart. I'll be fine.

What time is it?

About 8:30.

Eight-thirty! I'll
miss the train.

Excuse me, honey. I
have to take my shower.

Darrin?

What's this sudden urgency
about Caldwell's Soup anyway?

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[DARRIN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GIGGLES]

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I can't hear a
word you're saying.

[DARRIN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

"What was good enough for
Dad is good enough for me."

Hmm.

"Always a winner.
Caldwell's Soup."

[DARRIN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

"Game called on
account of soup."

Oh, that's very clever.

You understand
what I mean, honey?

Hm?

Competition.

At one time, Caldwell's Soup

was the only packaged
soup on the market.

Now there are 40 other brands.

Would you please
get my, ah, suit?

The one that just came back
from the cleaners? Oh, sure.

And a clean shirt,
please, honey. Mm-hm.

I think those layouts are cute.

Cute?

[SIGHS]

Uninspired, pedestrian
trash. That's what they are.

But they're close.

Ah, just misses it, misses.

Here you are. Oh, thanks, babe.

I don't know what
you're so worried about.

I mean, after all, you are

the best advertising
man in the world.

Thank you, honey.

Up till today, I wouldn't
argue the point.

But in the advertising business,

you're just as good
as your last battle.

Caldwell's sales
are falling off.

They're ready to go
to another agency.

Well, I don't think that's fair.

You've been selling
their soup for so long.

That's just the trouble.

Old Man Caldwell keeps yammering

about being so
close to the forest,

you can't see the
trees. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, well. You'll get
it. I know you will.

It had better be before noon,

because I'm having
lunch with Caldwell.

I don't know. Maybe
I'm losing my touch.

Aww.

Darrin? Hm?

Suppose you use some
familiar expressions

with double meanings.

For instance...
instead of a farmer,

make this fellow a fisherman.

Put in a background
like the sea...

and instead of chicken okra,

make it bouillabaisse.

And the billboard could read:

"A pretty kettle of fish."

DARRIN: "A
pretty kettle of fish."

A pretty kettle of fish!

Now, for instance, in
the poker game... Uh-huh.

Maybe you could
take out the lady...

DARRIN: Yeah?

Put the soup in the
middle of the table...

and this one could read:

"The... "pot's... right..."

The pot's right!
Caldwell's Soup! Like it?

It's perfect! [GIGGLES]

Now, this one...

Instead of baseball
hats and gloves,

they could wear
astronaut helmets

and carry jet planes...

and the billboard could read:

"The race for space...
DARRIN: Yeah?

"at the table... Yeah?

When you serve...
Caldwell's Soup."

How about that? Incredible.

You really like it?

They're the answer
to all the problems.

These'll cinch the account.

Here, sweetheart,
put 'em right in here.

Oh, okay. There you go.

Thank you, honey.

These'll knock Old Man
Caldwell right on his...

Of course! Why
didn't I see it before?

It was you.

You did it. Did what?

Lay out a perfect solution
of the whole campaign

and hand it to me
on a silver platter.

I was only trying to help.

Sam, I don't want
that kind of help.

I told you, magic was out.

But there was no
magic in what I did.

Well, what would you call it?

I'd call it imagination. I
do have some, you know.

Oh, come on, Sam. I don't
have that kind of an imagination,

and I'm a professional.

Well, Darrin, all I
tried to do was...

I know what you tried to do.

And from now on, keep
your miracles to yourself.

Eh.

Well, I don't
know. I don't know.

It just doesn't...

What we're trying
to do, Mr. Caldwell,

is, uh, update your campaign.

Make it appeal more
to the modern eye.

Well, I'm not so sure I care
to appeal to the modern eye.

I like to think
there's a good bit

of old-fashioned
romance left in the world.

So would I, Mr. Caldwell,

but the people in
your sales department

seem to feel that
in order to sell soup,

we have to keep up
with the trend of the times.

They're right, of course.

Yes, but I'm from
the old school.

You know what I mean?

What was good enough for
Dad was good enough for me.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you get what I mean?

Yes, sir, I do.

That's why I thought

that this particular layout
of the old-fashioned kitchen,

farm kitchen,
would appeal to you.

Note that caption.

That caption.

"What was good enough for
Dad is good enough for me."

[CHUCKLES]

Eh... No, it's no good.

Now, let me tell you why

we've got to look
in another area...

DARRIN: He's not buyin',
buddy. He's not buyin'.

Samantha's ideas could
cinch the whole deal for ya.

Tell him. Go ahead. Tell him.

It just misses making the point.
You get what I mean, Stephens?

Stephens? Stephens?

Yoo-hoo.

Oh, y-y-yes. I do, uh, see.

Uh, perhaps this will
more closely illustrate

what you're trying to get.

"Always a winner."

Well, it does have something.

But then again, it doesn't
have anything else.

Do you get what I mean?

You see, when a group of
men get together playing poker,

they're not thinking
of buying soup.

Don't fight it.

Tell him Samantha's slogan
for the layout. It's a natural.

What's the difference
who thought of it first?

Are you with me, Stephens?

Stephens, I say,
are you with me?

Oh, yes. Uh, yes, sir.

Well, that'll help.

How 'bout this one?

Specially designed
for kid appeal.

Kid appeal?

Now, kids aren't
interested in buying soup.

We have to make
them soup-conscious.

You'll never do it.

As far as kids are concerned,

what isn't bubblegum
is medicine.

You're losing him.

In about 10 seconds,
he's going to walk.

And what have you proved?

That you've got
pride and integrity.

And you're stupid?

Too close to the trees, my boy.

Trees? Yeah.

What I mean is that
you have had our account

for a long time,
Stephens. And...

don't worry about it,

we all strike out
once in a while.

I wouldn't exactly
say that, Mr. Caldwell.

Oh, now, you don't
have to apologize at all.

No one is perfect.

Oh, look at that, 2:00. I
had no idea it was so late.

I've got to get going.

Mr. Caldwell.

Yes, what is it?

Um, nothing. It's no good.

Well, let me be
the judge of that.

What were you going to say?

If I do it once,
I'll do it again.

And before you
know, I won't be able

to do anything for myself.

Well, that's an
interesting philosophy.

But I don't see how
it applies to soup.

You take care of
the check, will you?

[VACUUM CLEANER STOPS]

Good morning, darling.

What's this supposed to mean?

Well, you enjoy
working like a horse.

I thought you might
enjoy looking like one.

Oh, very funny.

Now, why don't you go away?

I've had about all the
sarcasm I can take for one day.

Oh, really?

Trouble in paradise, eh?

Nothing we can't work out.

Besides, it was all my fault.

That's a wonderful
attitude, Samantha.

We haven't had a
martyr in the family

since the Salem trials.

What did you do to
What's-His-Name,

besides bruise his ego a bit?

Isn't that enough?

Nonsense. It isn't nonsense.

He thought my
ideas were witchcraft.

Well, weren't they?

Of course not! But
he doesn't believe me.

He never will.

I told you it'd be impossible
for you to be a help to him.

He doesn't need my help.

He did very well
before I came along.

And he'll do very well
without you, I agree.

Now, don't you put
words in my mouth.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm gonna stay right here,

and I'm gonna clean this
house with my own two hands.

And then I'm gonna
start to fix dinner,

and then I'm gonna take a bath

and put on the
sexiest dress I own.

And when my husband comes home,

I'm gonna have a drink with him

and spend the evening
trying to convince him

that he was right
and I was wrong,

and from now on I'm gonna
mind my own business.

To err is human,
to forgive divine.

Exactly.

When you're up to here in err,

and you've changed into
one huge lump of divine...

don't say I didn't warn you.

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, darling.

Hello, honey.

Oh, you must be dead.

Did you have a hard day?

Oh, no. I often lose the
agency's biggest accounts.

Two or three a week sometimes.

Darrin, you didn't have an idea?

No, and I didn't
use yours either.

Well, I thought you
might in an emergency.

You have almost as much
faith in my lack of integrity

as you have in
my lack of talent.

Oh, Darrin, please.

Well, you weren't
entirely wrong.

I thought about spreading out
your miracle there before him,

just to save my own
face, but I bit my tongue.

[MUMBLES] You see that?

I let him walk out on me,
in spite of all your influence.

What do you mean by that?

I could feel you
there in the restaurant,

prodding and digging
at my conscience.

Well, I haven't been
anywhere near your conscience.

All day, I've been
right here at home.

I've vacuumed and
scrubbed and cleaned.

And I made dinner.

Well, big deal.

What does that mean?

Well, I've seen the way
you can, wham, wash

and, uh, pow, clean and...

ring-a-ding up a dinner.

Well, I didn't wham, pow
or ring-a-ding up anything.

These are bona
fide dishpan hands.

You could've whipped
that up too, for appearance.

Are you calling me a liar?

If the shoe fits.

Sam.

Samantha!

Samantha, listen to me.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Samantha, unlock this door.

It's not locked.

Oh.

Now, listen to
me, Samantha. I...

Now, cut this out, Sam. I...

I wanna see you immediately.

Sam, you're my wife.

I demand that you
appear before me.

Now, didn't you
hear what I said?

Sam, this isn't going
to prove anything.

You're merely being
supersensitive and obstinate.

Now, listen to me.

Don't do anything
you may regret later on.

Now, Sam, cut this
out. This is ridiculous.

Sam, I've had enough of this.

Ow!

Sam!

Sam, now, cut this out.

Samantha, put that back!

Where do you think you're going?

You're not leaving this house.

She couldn't.

Samantha, come back here.

Samantha!

Samantha!

Samantha, come back
here, do you hear me?

All right, have it your way.

My poor baby.

He called me a liar.

I know. I heard the whole thing.

I don't want to
say I told you so...

Then don't.

There, there, dear.

You just hold on to Mother,

and we'll go far, far away.

Now, before we do,

I think I'll change him
into a horned toad.

Mother, please don't.

Maybe you're right.

Why make it easy for him?

I think I'll leave
him just as he is.

Darrin.

I've got six memos on my
desk from the legal department,

reminding me about
Caldwell's renewal.

How'd your lunch go
yesterday? Did you...?

Are you awake?

[GROGGILY] I
have been all night.

You look terrible.
What's happened?

Nothing much.

I just lost the Caldwell
account and my wife

all in one week.

What?

That's horrible.

I know, I can't believe it.

Your wife too, huh?

Oh, well, it's par for the
course for newlyweds.

It'll work out.

But what about Caldwell?

Well, what do you want me to do?

The man can't recognize
a good ad campaign

when he sees one.

All right, Darrin,

but I better get someone
else busy on the account.

And don't feel
too badly about it.

Happens to all of us.

I don't care about Caldwell.

I was talking about your wife.

But don't feel too badly
about Caldwell either.

You've got a great
batting average.

You gotta whiff
one once in a while.

I didn't whiff anything.
I was right on top of it.

I just came up too late
with the answers, that's all.

What do you mean, too
late? It's never too late.

If you got the answer
to this campaign, tell me.

We can still hold the account.

I could lock up Caldwell in
two minutes if I wanted to.

"If you wanted to"?

Don't you want the sun
to rise tomorrow morning?

Don't you wanna
live to a ripe old age?

Don't you want me
to live till tomorrow?

Don't you want the
most important person

in the whole world
to come back to you?

Of course I want
her to come back.

I mean Caldwell.

All right, take a look at those
layout boards on the desk.

There's your campaign.
Go ahead, live.

"The race for
space at the table."

"The pot's right."

"A pretty kettle of fish."

Darrin, this stuff is great.
You're a genius, you hear me?

You're a 100-percent
unadulterated genius.

I'll have Caldwell back
here in 10 minutes.

He'll get down on the
floor and kiss your feet.

And, Darrin, get
yourself cleaned up.

I'll try.

LARRY: "A race
for space at the table

when you serve
Caldwell's leek and potato."

"The pot's right.
Caldwell's Soup."

"A pretty kettle of fish."

Mr. Caldwell, this campaign is
not only clever and humorous,

but it has taste,

that soupçon of something extra

that Caldwell's Soups
always looks for.

Darrin Stephens, I
take my hat off to you.

I don't like it.

You don't like it?

Well, it's gimmicky.

Gimmicky? Mm.

CALDWELL: Gimmicky.

Did you say you didn't like it?

That's right. It has no good
old-fashioned romance in it.

You mean you
really don't like it?

Mmm. No warmth, no love, no sex.

Sex?

I don't suppose there
are many of us left

who look upon soup as
having sex appeal, but I do.

I always will.

And you're not going to buy it.

I'm sorry, Stephens.

That's marvelous!

What's the matter with you?

You wouldn't understand, Larry.

My...

Mr. Caldwell,

are you absolutely sure
you won't change your mind?

Absolutely.

Mr. Caldwell,

I'm eternally grateful to you.

Wait a minute. Have you
become completely uncorked?

Where are you going?

I'm taking the
rest of the day off.

You don't mind, do you, Larry?

There's something I
gotta do before it's too late.

And thanks again, Mr. Caldwell.

That's perfectly all
right. That's... all right.

LARRY: Mr. Caldwell,
before you leave,

I can assure you
that McMann & Tate

will come up with a campaign

that will be everything
you expect it to be.

I know that we can deliver.
And I know that you'll buy.

I hope not.

It would be a shame to make
that poor boy unhappy again.

Sam?

Sam?

Sweetheart?

Sam, I don't know where you
are or if you can even hear me,

but I want you to
know, I apologize

for being willful,
self-centered and stupid.

I was wrong,

from start to finish, all
the way down the line.

Since you left, I haven't
been able to think

about anything but you.

Nothing means anything to me.

I love you, Sam.

I miss you.

I wish you'd come home.

Hi.

Sam.

I'm glad to see you.

Where have you been?

Not far.

I'm sorry, Sam.

I should've known
you wouldn't lie to me.

What made you change your mind?

Caldwell wouldn't
buy the campaign.

What do you mean, "Caldwell
wouldn't buy the campaign"?

I mean he wouldn't
buy the campaign,

so it must have been
your imagination.

Your ideas were no good.

Well, Darrin, I don't
think that's very nice.

Well, I-I don't mean that
your ideas are no good

or that you don't have any
imagination... I know, I know.

You... You know. I
know what you mean.

I understand.

It doesn't matter.

The only thing that's
important is that I love you.

And I love you.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, it seems ridiculous

that a can of soup could
ever come between us.

Nothing ever will again.

What did you just say?

I said, the only thing that was
important is that I loved you.

No, after that, you
said something.

I don't know. When?

Why didn't I think of that?

What are you talking about?

You just said...

You sure you don't
know what you said?

About what?

Never mind. Never mind.

Sam, I've got it.
And it's perfect.

It's more than perfect.

It is inspired. And
you inspired it.

I did?

Yes, you did. You inspired it,

and I found it, and that's
the way it ought to be.

Where you going?

To see Caldwell.

But I'll be back
before you know it.

I love you, Sam.

Won't give up, eh?

What do you think he'd say

if he knew you had
given him a hint?

He does know.

I inspired it, and he found it.

You heard him say so.

You're spitting hairs, Samantha.

No, not at all.

That's the way it should be.
You heard him say that too.

Anyway,

all you can ask of
anyone is to take a little

and make it go a long, long way.

Good.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Breathtaking.

You know, I come down here

every once in a while
just to sit and stare.

It is kind of old-fashioned
and romantic, isn't it?

Mmm-hmm.

It's wonderful. And
I'm very proud of you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

SAMANTHA: "The only thing
that will ever come between us."

[♪♪♪]