Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 36 - Cousin Edgar - full transcript

- Darrin.
- I woke up.

- You all right?
- I heard a sound and I woke up.

You sneezed.

That's ridiculous. I never sneeze
in my sleep. It wakes me up.

What time is it?

- A little after 3.
- Did you set it for 7?

Yes, it's all set. Now you better
cover up and go back to sleep.

I gotta have a clear head tomorrow.
I gotta. I've got some day.

Can I get you anything?

Well, my stars, cousin Edgar.

You got it?



Don't you think it's about time
you began to materialise?

I can't spend the entire morning
talking to a cup.

Are you still bashful?

Come on now.
Don't be silly. All the way.

Well, now that's better.

It certainly is nice seeing you again,
cousin Edgar.

I can't wait for you to meet
my husband, Darrin.

Right now, he's taking a shower.

I hope you won't be hurt
if I don't introduce you today.

You see, he has a very important
meeting and he's very nervous.

And he's an absolute bear when he
hasn't slept well. You understand?

If there's one thing that might give him
a bit of a jar right now, it's an elf.

We'll have to sneak you up
on him gradually.

Why don't you ease in
for dinner tonight.



I want him to like you
just as much as I do.

After all, you're the best bodyguard
a young witch ever had.

Any time I was in trouble,
there you were, my trusty little elf.

Come to think of it...

I don't remember seeing you
unless I was in trouble.

So, what brings you here now?

Edgar? Edgar?

Oh, well. See you tonight.

I don't believe it.

- Hi, sweet...
- Hi there.

- What happened?
- I cut myself.

- Badly?
- I'm afraid to move my head.

Oh, you better call the plumber,
have him look at the bathroom pipes.

They on the fritz again?

Boy, you make a hot cup of coffee.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
Are you all right?

I don't know. I've been like this ever
since I got up. I guess I'm nervous.

- The Shelley shoe account?
- Yeah, big meeting this afternoon...

and I haven't got an idea in my body.
I better change these.

You'll think of something.
You always do.

I'd better. Boston, Barton, Schulwiler
and Froug are hovering like vultures.

- They want this account very badly.
- Well, don't let them get it.

- Larry will never forgive you.
- Worse than that, he'll probably cry.

Oh, I'm late. I better leave.
I better change these first.

Wild slogans and puns.
That's all you've got.

"The sole of the shoe industry."
"Shelley likes to play footsie with you."

"We want you well heeled." No wonder
you couldn't sleep last night.

All right, Larry. All right, I admit it.
You've got me.

Maybe I was reaching just a little bit.
But there's still some...

They've got it for sure. The account
is as good as in Froug's pocket.

Snap out of it, Larry.
It won't help to go in with that attitude.

You don't know this guy Shelley.
He's a wealthy square.

He wears tailor-made stuffed shirts.

Any idea that's far-fetched
or the least bit eccentric...

I know will go
right out the window.

We've got to come up with some...

Did I say something funny?

No. No, I just had
the oddest sensation.

You were saying, Larry?

Well, one thing. You're a pretty
normal, presentable person.

You talk well, you dress well,
you behave well.

I think that's in our favour.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

I'm not just accident-prone.
It's got to be more than that.

Endora!

If we can only come up with an
exciting, brilliant, square idea...

I think we've got it licked.

Did you call me Endora?

Why should I call you Endora?

Listen, Larry, this may be
the answer to all our problems.

Just a simple, eye-catching sketch.
Something like this.

You start out with this. It goes...

Why? Why are you doing this to me?

- Why am I doing this to you?
- I didn't mean that.

Oh, well, perhaps you'd like me
to apologise.

Larry, it's just charcoal.
It'll come right off. Here, here.

Get up.

I can't seem to move my foot.

Try taking it out of my pocket.

I hope that's not a good suit.

Not anymore.

Hello?

Your mother's destroying me.
What have I done to deserve it?

Mother? My mother?

That's the one. I don't need help
to lose the Shelley account.

I can do very well on my own.

I don't understand, Darrin.
What's she doing?

She's making me look like
a clumsy, bumbling idiot.

No, I'm not overtired.
You speak to her.

And be firm.

All right.

- You all right?
- Sure.

- Mother.
- Yes.

I want a word with you.
Have you been bothering Darrin?

- Who?
- My husband.

Oh, that who.

Don't play innocent.
I want an explanation.

For what, dear?

He says he's beginning to look
like a clumsy, bumbling idiot.

I know what he looks like.
I just can't remember his name.

Did you or did you not go
to Darrin's office for some reason?

I'll be very honest. I wouldn't
go to his office for any reason.

I'm trying so hard not to upset him
what with cousin Edgar coming and all.

Edgar?

Cousin Edgar here?

What's wrong?

Don't be naive, Samantha.

Edgar must regard your marriage
as a blot on the family name.

I just regard it as
a blow against good sense.

- You don't think that he would...?
- Of course. Isn't it divine, dear?

It's terrible. I'll have to do
something to stop him.

Oh, I don't think you can.

A witch who's on the wagon is no
match for an elf who's on the warpath.

If that won't put him to sleep,
nothing will.

Oh, I feel like a traitor, Samantha.
I just can't bear to stay and watch.

- Thank you for your help, Mother.
- Call me Benedict Arnold.

Edgar.

I'll get Jim DeWitt
to make the presentation.

Nobody can make a presentation
like me.

Take the day off.
Catch up on your sleep.

I don't feel like sleeping.

Darrin, I can't risk it with you.

Larry, you can't risk it without me.

I remembered how much
you like hot chocolate...

so I made some for both of us.
Here, sit down.

Oh, my. I see so little of Darrin,
it's nice to have company.

Oh, I remembered
your favourite cookies too.

There you are.

Drink up, cousin Edgar.

You all right?

Of course I'm all right.
Would you stop asking that?

You're right. If I had any sense,
I wouldn't wanna know.

I wonder what keeps me
in this business.

How come Froug's in on this meeting?

That's the way Shelley wants it,
both agencies represented.

Isn't that a bit unethical?

Yes. But Shelley has
one redeeming feature.

He contributes huge sums of money
to the advertising industry.

Excuse me, gentlemen.
Mr. Froug is here.

- Larry boy, how's the boy?
- Freddy Froug.

Darrin, sweetheart, nice to see you.

Are you still married?
Or are you happy?

How are you, Fred?

I'll tell you the honest truth.
I can't complain, kid.

Everything is top of the mast.
How is it with you and your shop?

Pretty smooth. You know.

Well, that's a nice change.

- I'm only kidding. You know that.
- Sure.

Well, today's the big day, huh?

Today we put wings on our airplanes
and see how they fly.

Listen, Larry. And I mean this in all
sincerity. May the best man win, kid.

You know what I mean?

I mean, I mean that in all sincerity.

We'll run it up the flagpole
and see who salutes.

I wish you both luck.

Thank you, Fred. Whatever you wish
for me, I wish for you.

Well, slugger.

Aren't you gonna shake my hand?

Oh, sure.

- Darrin! Easy does it.
- Up you go.

- You all right?
- Where did you learn to fall like that?

It's started. It's started.

Why, hello, Mr. Shelley.

I don't believe you've met.

Mr. Shelley, this is my top
creative man, Mr. Stephens.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Sit right here. May I assist you?

Okay.

Thank you, young man.

- Are you all right?
- All right, Endora, I know you're here.

You're not gonna get away with this!

You won't get away with this.
Come out wherever you are.

I say, come out wherever you are!
All right, Endora, I know you're here.

Sam? Sam? Sam, where are you?

Honey, wake up. I have something
very serious to talk to you about.

Hi.

I hope your mother's proud of herself.
I hope she's good and satisfied.

- Sam.
- Yes, dear?

I've had quite a day.

Have you been sleeping all afternoon?

That's a fine attitude. Just when I
need you most, you couldn't care less.

You might be interested in knowing
that the Shelley account...

just about went up in smoke.

Am I boring you?

Oh, no, of course not.
But you are cranky. What's the matter?

What's the matter? I just finished
telling you what's the matter.

We had to postpone the Shelley
meeting until tomorrow.

Fortunately, he didn't like Froug's
ideas either. I've got one more chance.

Oh, well, that's good, darling.
I'm sure you'll think of something.

Sam, what is the matter with you?

I don't know
what's the matter with me.

But I'm all right now.

I don't understand.

Sam, what do you mean
it's not Endora?

- Now, darling, try to be calm.
- And who is cousin Edgar?

- He's an elf.
- You're kidding.

No. I'm afraid I'm very serious.

I've been a favourite of his
for years and...

Well, I think he resents you.

- Why, for Pete's sake?
- He's protecting me.

From what?

He doesn't think I should be
married to a mortal.

He doesn't understand
how I can be happy.

- Are you happy?
- Of course.

Well, then tell him.

Also tell him if I have
one more mysterious accident...

I'll punch him right in...

- Has he got a nose?
- Yes.

Nose.

Edgar, you stop it this instant.

Where is he? Where is he?
I'll destroy him. Where is he?

Cousin Edgar?

- Cousin Edgar!
- Edgar.

Ed...

Edgar, you're behaving like a child.

Edgar, I'm not gonna stand for
any more of your merry pranks.

You hear me?

Now, look, sweetheart.
By some miracle, in a little while...

I'm gonna have to convince Shelley
we're the only agency...

that understands him.

I love you. And if your cousin
Edgar doesn't understand that...

I may have to ask you
to do something horrible to him...

like turn him into a human being.

Now, think about that for a while.

But, Darrin, your suit's stained.

It's all right. It's a brown suit.

Edgar, could I see you
for a moment?

Your face.

Edgar, pull yourself together.

Now, about that hot chocolate.

Now, I know you think you're doing this
for my own good, but you're not.

I love Darrin.

No use being upset about it,
because that's the way I feel.

And for the first time in my life,
I feel wonderful.

Now, that's how it is.

What makes Darrin happy
makes me happy.

Now, if you were really concerned
about my happiness...

you'd know I'm worried
about that Shelley shoe account...

because it's important to Darrin.

Edgar, I know you're
all broken up about it, but...

Edgar?

Edgar, where are you going?

Cousin Edgar?

Today, things are gonna be different.
I've got some ideas...

- that are gonna knock him right...
- Right out of his chair?

Larry, if you let Jim DeWitt do this,
you're committing suicide.

Darrin...

I wanna tell you something.

Darrin, I've been in this business
a lot longer than you.

I know what the pressures are,
what they can do to a man.

I may retire shortly myself.

I'm not firing you. I just want you
to take a few days' rest.

You'll come back a new man.

But I don't wanna come back
a new man. I like me as I am.

Why do you wanna do this?

It's like being thrown from a horse.

If you don't leap right back in the
saddle, you may never ride again.

Okay.

- Thanks, Larry, you'll never regret it.
- Darrin, I know I'll never regret it.

I think.

Dynamite, I tell you.
I had Fitzgibbins draw them up.

When you make him race his engine,
he's the best artist on the staff.

Best artist in the whole darn world.

Present company excluded,
of course.

Larry...

did you hear the door open?

No.

- Are you...?
- No, no. Forget it. Forget it.

It's none of my business, Darrin, but
have you been hitting the booze at all?

- Just a little bracer.
- Unnerved to face Shelley?

No, to face you.

Gentlemen, Mr. Shelley's here.

Oh, good afternoon, sir.
It's a pleasure to...

Is this gonna be another
one of those days?

Come on, get up.
This is no time to play around.

- This is business.
- I don't understand.

- Now, if we can get on with this.
- Certainly, Mr. Shelley. Darrin.

May I help you...?

I don't know which one of you
wants to go first.

I have some interesting sketches here,
sir. I'm sure you may remember...

I am definitely going to retire.

I know it's none of my business, but
have you been hitting the booze at all?

I'd like to know what's going on
around here.

Dynamite. I'm sure you'll agree, sir.
Wait till you see these sketches.

Now then, sir, here's a beauty.

Now, if you like that one, sir,
wait till you see this one.

Is this your idea of a joke?

Oh, no. No, no. It was Fitzbiggins...
No, no, I mean it was my... I...

Sir, do you mind if I leave you
for a minute?

To be honest with you, I'm gonna be
very much annoyed if you stay.

And I thought he was
such a bright young man.

Darrin.

Hey, this is very clever.

The elves of a shoemaker,
is that right?

- Oh, yeah.
- I don't remember any...

This will have great appeal
for the kids.

I like that. Yes, I like that very much.

What?

I can't get over the look
on Shelley's face...

when he saw those sketches.

Oh, Darrin, I'm glad it all worked out.

Where's cousin Edgar now?

- I think he's gone.
- Oh, yeah?

- Well, that's what you wanted, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah.

He at least could have said goodbye.

I'm glad to know you're not angry
with him anymore.

Angry? For destroying my sleep...

and making me look like a lunatic
for two days, why should I be angry?

To tell the truth, I'm not angry.

I was getting kind of used to
having the little guy around the house.

Sam. Sam.

I knew you'd like each other
if he snuck up on you gradually.

You know, I'm genuinely sorry
to see him leave.

You mean you'd rather
not be alone with me?

I didn't mean that at all.