Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 32 - Illegal Separation - full transcript

Okay, now you can open.

Champagne, what's the occasion?

The occasion is our first quiet
evening at home in two weeks.

I intend to toast you in blank verse...

and whisper sweet nothings
till sunrise.

Aren't you sweet?

First, we remove
the protective wiring.

Then we pry loose the cork
with a resounding...

Chime.

Who dares intrude on blank verse
and sweet nothings?

I don't know.



But we're gonna get rid
of whoever it is in a hurry.

Oh, Mr. Kravitz.

- Evening, Mrs. Stephens, Mr. Stephens.
- Good evening.

I dropped by to give you
some neighbourhood gossip.

Well, could you tell us
tomorrow, Mr. Kravitz?

- It's late, and we were...
- Mrs. Kravitz and I just split up.

Oh, no.

We had a championship fight.
Round one began with a dispute...

over which drawer I should
keep my socks in.

Round 10 ended with me storming
out of the house to go to my club.

Why don't go to your club?

I was so mad,
I didn't realise I don't have one.

Until I was out the door...

which Mrs. Kravitz childishly
locked behind me.



And when I rang the bell,
she didn't open it.

She probably didn't hear you.
Why don't you go back and...?

I rang 20 minutes nonstop.

I said, "Gladys, let me in,
I'll catch pneumonia."

- And she didn't answer?
- She answered.

She gave me the name
of a good doctor.

Would you care to plead
with her on the phone?

No, I refuse to stoop
to her level of immaturity.

I'll sleep in the gutter. She'll find her
sole source of support frozen, dead.

You'll do no such thing.
You'll stay in our guest room.

Come morning,
when tempers have subsided...

you and Mrs. Kravitz will make up.

You're both very kind.

Tough luck, Gladys.
I'm going to live.

Would you care to join us
in a glass of champagne?

- Thanks, but not at bedtime.
- Oh, all right, Mr. Kravitz.

The guest room is the door
to the left, on the top of the stairs.

At bedtime, I drink piping hot cocoa,
if it's not too much trouble.

Oh, no. No trouble at all.

Hurry back, honey,
before the champagne gets cold.

Coming, darling.

Oh, boy. That Mr. Kravitz
sure is a good sleeper.

He's also a good snorer...

with amazing
long-range reverberations.

There was a fleeting moment
around 3 a.m...

when I thought we were
under attack by enemy aircraft.

In a way, it's kind of cute.

Cute? There is nothing cute
about staying awake all night...

listening to stereophonic snoring.

I meant it's cute that after
30 years of marriage...

a couple can still have
a lovers' quarrel.

- You think that's all it is?
- Oh, of course.

And in the clear light of day,
they'll both see how ridiculous it is.

That must be the lady in question
come to claim her lost sheep.

Well, say "baa-baa" to her lost sheep.

I'll clean up those things later.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. Kravitz.
- Good morning.

Won't you come in?

Something the matter?

To the naked eye...

this looks like
the average American home.

Mrs. Stephens, are you by any
chance harbouring my husband?

Yes, I hope you don't mind.
It was very late and he didn't have...

Don't apologise,
this is a free country.

Oh, don't tell me you're
going home to mother.

These are Mr. Kravitz's clothes.

Tell him he can keep
his socks anyplace he chooses.

Mrs. Kravitz, do you seriously...?

The home is half mine.
Why should I move and leave it to him?

- Let him move and leave it to me.
- Mrs. Kravitz, do you seriously...?

He can keep the car,
I'll keep the house.

I'll try again.

Mrs. Kravitz,
do you seriously mean...?

I do. The 30-year partnership...

of Abner and Gladys Kravitz
is finished, washed up, dissolved.

Just because of a pair of socks?

- Now, Mrs. Kravitz, I know your...
- The socks is just a symbol.

- A symbol of what?
- Of Mr. Kravitz's crummy neuroses.

He's neurotic, you know.

Oh, he's so neurotic
that a normal person like you...

A normal person like me might what?

Nothing, I forgot
to whom I was speaking.

Would you give
Mr. Kravitz this note?

Tell him if he wishes to reply to it...

to have his attorney
contact my attorney.

Pardon me, ladies,
but I have to go to work.

- Where's Mrs. Kravitz?
- She left.

- Alone?
- Alone.

Darrin, this is much more
serious than you predicted.

- I didn't predict anything.
- She's contemplating divorce.

That was the best sleep I've had
in months. Mrs. Kravitz snores.

Mr. Kravitz, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

No fresh orange juice?

- No.
- Hey, that's my suitcase.

How about that.

It's packed. What did Mrs. Kravitz
say when she brought it over?

She left you this note.

This is shocking.

She has the penmanship
of a 10-year-old child.

Never mind the penmanship.
What does it say?

It says, "Farewell forever."

If you don't have fresh orange juice,
I'll have half a grapefruit.

We have fresh orange juice. We have
fresh orange juice every morning.

Mr. Kravitz, why aren't you
pounding your head in misery?

- Because I'm not miserable.
- Well, you should be.

If I wrote you a "farewell forever" note,
wouldn't you be miserable?

I certainly would. Because she's my
wife, and Mrs. Kravitz is your wife.

I know, wanna trade? I'll give you
Gladys and 18 pairs of socks.

Mr. Kravitz, we're disappointed
in you.

Aren't you gonna fight for her?

I'm undecided, it depends on
how much I enjoy not fighting with her.

I'll get dressed for breakfast.

Shouldn't you go to work?

Yes, and so should you.

- What does that mean?
- You should go to work...

getting Mr. Kravitz back where he
belongs before I get home tonight.

- How?
- I haven't the faintest idea.

But being a devoted wife and witch,
I'm sure you'll think of something.

- Know what I mean?
- Darrin.

Sweetheart, I'm home.
Come give me a passionate kiss.

Okay, pucker up.

That's passionate?

Mr. Kravitz, may I speak to my wife
alone for a minute, please?

Sure, I'll start the Brussels sprouts.

Sweetheart, when I left
this morning, I...

Brussels sprouts?

He said if it wasn't too much trouble,
he'd like to show me a special recipe.

I hate Brussels sprouts.

Well, he likes them
and he's our guest.

Why? When I left this morning,
I asked you to make him disappear.

No. You asked me to get him
back where he belongs.

That's much harder
than making him disappear.

Make him disappear from our house
and appear in his house.

Wouldn't do any good. He'd see
where he was and come right back.

Samantha, you're stalling.

- Well...
- You've used your powers...

to solve much tougher problems
than this.

Since when do you want me to use
witchcraft? You always want me not to.

- That's true, however...
- However what?

- I'm willing to make an exception.
- Mrs. Stephens.

- Yes?
- If it's not too much trouble...

- where do I find the anchovies?
- Second cabinet to the right.

Thank you.

- Why does he need anchovies?
- To stuff the Brussels sprouts.

Make him disappear from our house
and appear in San Francisco.

Darrin, our aim isn't merely to get rid
of him, it's to reunite him with his wife.

Send her to San Francisco too.

They have to reunite
on their own free will.

Of course, I suppose
I could go and see Mrs. Kravitz...

and try to reason with her,
wife to wife.

- When?
- Now?

Fine.

Good luck.

Brussels sprouts.

- Mrs. Kravitz, I...
- There's been an accident!

Mrs. Kravitz, your husband
is in perfectly good health.

- Scout's honour?
- Scout's honour.

I'm sorry to hear it.

Could we go in and sit down
and have a little talk?

Why not.

If Mr. Kravitz asked you to beg me to
forgive him, you're wasting your time.

He didn't beg me, Mrs. Kravitz. As a
matter of fact, he doesn't even know.

I'm doing very nicely without him.
I like this peace and quiet. I...

- I was gonna throw that in the garbage.
- Oh, were you?

Or were you looking at it
because you miss him?

Absolutely not. I wouldn't miss him
with a 10-foot pole.

I like this peace and quiet.

Oh, Mrs. Stephens, I miss him so much
I don't know what to do.

I'm an unhappy ship
floating down a lonely river.

And this is my
ninth handkerchief today!

Oh, Mrs. Kravitz. I am sorry.

I'll tell Mr. Kravitz
to come home right away.

Over my dead body!
I want him to want to come home.

I want him to get on his hands and
knees and say he can't live without me.

What if he's too stubborn
to admit it?

I'll kill him.

Oh, I see. You have just as much
pride as he. And he's the man...

so it's up to him to make
the first move.

I stand on that principle,
is that unreasonable?

No, Mrs. Kravitz,
I can't say that it is.

What would you say
to a little compromise plan?

- By whom?
- By me...

and our mutual
living-room windows.

I just took a king.
You're not concentrating.

I was still thinking about the Brussels
sprouts stuffed with anchovies.

Gin.

Guess who I can see from here.

Why, it's Mrs. Kravitz.

Loser deals.

She has a new hairdo.

Oh, yes. I noticed, very becoming.

Did you see her negligee?

Oh, yes. Very dainty and feminine.

That's enough shuffling. Deal.

Boy, when Mrs. Abner Kravitz
puts her mind to it...

she sure can look appealing.

I don't want it, do you?

Gin.

On the first card?

- What luck.
- It wasn't luck.

It was skill.

I'm not a man
given to rash statements...

but Abner Kravitz,
alias the Brussels Sprouts Kid...

has been our houseguest
for two nights.

And this is the second day,
and I have had it.

Which upsets you more...

the sonic-boom snoring
or the Brussels sprouts?

What I object to most
is the invasion of our privacy.

I'd always hoped our family
would be enlarged.

- But what I had in mind was a baby.
- Well, cheer up, we've got one.

A middle-aged bouncing baby boy.

He misses his wife just as much
as his wife misses him.

He'd go back to her in a second
if his ego weren't playing...

a silly game
of who's gonna crack first.

I'll tell you who's gonna crack first.
I am.

- Darrin.
- Good morning, my genial hosts.

Good morning.

Mrs. Stephens,
if it isn't too much trouble...

would you mind taking my shirts in
your delivery to the laundry? Thanks.

Mr. Kravitz, I have observed
that whenever you ask my wife...

to do you a favour,
you always finish or start with:

- "If it's not too much trouble."
- And I end with "thank you."

- I always try to be polite.
- That is very admirable.

However, there are certain
requests that are too much trouble.

Now, not at all, darling. Mr. Kravitz,
you just set them down over there.

- I'll be happy to take them for you.
- Thanks.

Oh, Mr. Stephens?

- What?
- You had the paper first yesterday.

It's my paper, isn't it?

Okay, if that's your attitude,
I'll get my paper. Excuse me.

How do you do, madam?
I represent the Wet Rose...

- Kiss me.
- I beg your pardon?

Kiss me, I wanna make
my husband jealous.

Lady, don't go to extremes.

If you don't wanna buy,
just slam the door in my face.

- Darrin?
- What?

Can you sleep?

No.

Neither can I.

Bet I know why.

- Why?
- We've gotten so adjusted...

to Mr. Kravitz snoring,
that the one night he doesn't...

it keeps us awake.

That's probably it. Doesn't make
any sense, but that's probably it.

Sort of at a standstill, aren't we?

- Do you have any ideas?
- No. Do you?

Yes, but it's only half an idea.

Now, since we can't seem to reunite
the Kravitzs' while they're awake...

perhaps I can reunite them
while they're asleep.

Sounds logical.

I thought if, by witchcraft...

I gave each of them
the same dream at the same time...

Go ahead, I'm listening.

That's all. That's why
it's only half an idea.

A dream that would make them realise
how much they love each other.

So when they woke up,
they'd rush into each others' arms.

Exactly. Suggest a dream.

You suggest a dream.
It's your half an idea.

It should be about a time
when they were both blissfully happy.

Like when they were single.

- That's perfect.
- Sam, I was being sarcastic.

That's absolutely perfect.

When is the happiest day
in a man's life...

in relation to his wife
before they were married?

When he finds out she isn't going
to need $3000 worth of dental work.

Wrong. The day he proposes
and she accepts.

It's the happiest day for her too.

- Possibly, but...
- Possibly?

- Wasn't it the happiest day for you?
- I guess so.

Yes, it was.

Same here. So that's what I'll do.

I'll make them both dream
of his proposal...

Don't go away. I'll be right back.

Abner and Gladys Kravitz...

sweet dreams.

- How was your class in home ec?
- Oh, keen.

- How was your class in business ed?
- Keen.

But my favourite class
is Scandinavian lit.

- So's mine.
- Why?

You tell me first.

My favourite class is Scandinavian lit
because in it...

I sit next to a certain
Miss Gladys Gruber.

Gladys Gruber, some name.

I think it's beautiful.

It's too guttural. Gladys Gruber,
Gladys Gruber.

- Maybe you'd like to change it.
- Change it to what?

To Gladys Kravitz.

I admit, it isn't
much of an improvement, but...

Gladys, I love you.

I've loved you since you fell
off the truck on my fraternity hayride.

I want you to be my wife.

To travel my life highway...

sharing my joys and sorrows.

Abner, is this a proposal?

If it wasn't a proposal,
would I have bought this?

It's keen!

You got your fingers
over the diamond.

I wanted to buy you a diamond
as big as my heart.

But they don't make one.

- Even if they did, I couldn't afford it.
- This is big enough.

My needs are simple.

Kindness, understanding...

a nice winter coat.

Does that mean the answer is yes?

- Didn't you know it would be?
- Well, I wasn't sure. I only hoped.

As the years glide swiftly by...

our love will bloom in beauty,
like a rose.

The end. Now, all I have
to do is wake them up...

and let them take it
by themselves from here.

- Fascinating.
- What?

- Being married to you.
- Oh, good.

- Will it work?
- I hope so.

Gladys!

Where are you?

Abner.

Abner, where are you?

Now...

Let's go look out the window.

- At what?
- At their reunion.

- Abner!
- Gladys!

- You know what might be a nice touch?
- What?

The way they do it in the movies.

Well...

- that's that.
- Congratulations.

I started the ball rolling.
It wouldn't work...

- if they didn't love each other.
- As much as we do?

Maybe.

No. No, that is impossible.

Okay.

- Now, where's the blank verse?
- Well...

Here you are.

There once was a girl named Sam...

- Hi, I'm back.
- We're both here this time.

How nice.

To thank you for your hospitality...

and also to give
you a small token of our esteem.

- Well, thank you very much.
- Oh, yes. But you shouldn't have.

It's an expensive vegetable dish.

You were so good to Abner.

I have a funny feeling it was you
who put us back together again.

A very funny feeling.

Oh, it's beautiful.

- Thank you again.
- Ideal for Brussels sprouts.

I brought some champagne,
but I see you've got some already.

Yes, we were planning
on celebrating our reunion too.

- Maybe we shouldn't intrude.
- Intrude? On these people?

You gotta be kidding, right?

- Right.
- We'll pool the champagne...

and make a night of it, right?

- Darrin?
- Right.

Here's to dreams.

- That come true.
- I'll drink to that.