Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 31 - That Was My Wife - full transcript

On your way out?

If you want to make sure
you have a good time, stop.

Go to the nearest mirror and
take a good look at yourself.

Are you really attractive?

I mean, as attractive
as you can be?

We don't think so.

Maybe it's your hair.

Yes, hair.

Ever wanted to see yourself
as a flaming redhead?

We think you can be a knockout.

We can make you
anything you want to be.



And remember, if
you don't like the result,

you can easily rinse it out.

Use our brand of magic.

Even your neighbors
won't recognize you.

Perhaps you'd be
happier as a brunette.

We guarantee you'll be
a knockout in any color

with Tortoise and Hare,

H-A-R-E, color preparations.

It's the old story of the
tortoise and the hare.

Hello, Mrs. Stephens.

I ran out of sugar
and I wondered if...

Ooh!

Is something the matter?

Your hair changed color.



It's a wig.

You sure got it on fast.

What happened to the
mirror that was hanging there?

What mirror?

Well, I was sure I saw a mirror,

and you were looking, uh...

Mrs. Kravitz, why don't
we go into the kitchen?

I'll get you your sugar.

Does your husband
like your hair like that?

Well, he hasn't seen it
yet. I want it to be a surprise.

He doesn't like you as a blond?

Oh, well, it isn't that.

I think that every man likes

a little variety in his
daily life, don't you?

Besides, it's easy to become
bored with the same old face.

You may be right.

Come to think of it,

Abner hasn't been
his old self lately.

You sure one cup's
gonna be enough?

He doesn't even kiss
me good night anymore.

Last night he just
shook my hand.

Well, some people
have different ways

of showing affection.

It wasn't even a
friendly handshake.

Excuse me.

Hello? Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Everything okay?

Sure, why?

I thought something
had gone wrong,

and you couldn't make it.

Honey, I wouldn't let
anything interfere with tonight.

I just wanted to
ask you to bring

that mystery story
I was reading.

Oh, I'll put it in with
the things I packed.

And I'll meet you in
the hotel lobby at 6:00.

At 6. Bye, sweetheart.

Bye.

You going away someplace?

Darrin and I are spending
the night at the President Hotel.

We do that once
in a while. What for?

Well, to get away from the
drudgery of everyday life.

We relax, have a
nice dinner in our room,

get to know each
other all over again

without having to worry about

phones that ring,
dishes to wash.

You know how it is.

Hm. I'm trying to remember.

You mean Mr. Stephens
goes for that romantic stuff?

Well, I don't think he'd want
any of his friends to know,

but just between you
and me, I think he enjoys it.

I've got to hand it to
you, Mrs. Stephens.

You certainly know how to
keep the magic in your marriage.

Well, I keep trying.

I thought we'd use
a distinctive motif

in the campaign, Larry.

I have a few
sketches in the office

I'd like you to take a look at.

And... Larry?

Pretty girl. Uh-huh.

I have a couple of
ideas on the subject.

So have I.

I was thinking of the campaign.

Oh.

All the letters for you to sign
are on your desk, Mr. Stephens.

Thanks, Ellen.

Here, take a look
at these, Larry.

See what you think.

Larry?

Larry, will you put
your eyeballs back

and take a look at these?

Look, just because I'm
married doesn't mean I'm dead.

It's very frustrating

when I think of all that charm
and sex appeal going to waste.

Ellen's?

No, mine.

You talk a great game, Larry,

but I think you're a
sheep in wolf's clothing.

Now will you please
take a look at these?

Maybe we can go over
'em on the train tonight.

No, I'm staying in
town tonight. Yeah?

Look, I'm half-planning
on meeting Louise in town.

Give Sam a call, and the four
of us could make a night of it.

Uh, no, I'm afraid we
can't make it tonight.

I have something
to take care of.

Well, there's nothing
pressing here, is there?

No, it's a personal matter.

Maybe some other time, huh?

Yes?

Sure, put her on.

It's for you. Louise.

Hi, honey. Decided on
what you wanna do yet?

Oh, I don't care. What
do you wanna do?

I don't know. What
do you wanna do?

Oh, anything. But you
make up your mind.

I'll do anything you wanna do.

Okay. Let's go to a ball game.

No, I don't wanna do that.

Since I'm already in town,

why don't I go to the ball
game on my own, hm?

Well, okay.

Maybe I'll give Samantha
a call and drop over there.

You do that, and I'll pick
you up over there later.

Want company for dinner?

Sorry, Larry. I have
an appointment.

Oh.

Well... see you tomorrow.

Yes?

Mr. Stephens, the
President Hotel just called

and confirmed your
reservations for tonight.

All right.

Did you say Darrin
had reservations

at the President Hotel?

Yes, sir.

Why, that son of a gun.

I beg your pardon?

That boy deserves an Oscar.

He had me completely convinced.

Who?

Never mind.

That son of a gun.

Got a light?

Mm-hmm. Sure.

My, you do have strong hands.

I beg your pardon.

Sam!

What have you done to yourself?

What do you think of the new me?

Well, I don't know.

I don't think the old
model is quite obsolete yet.

Thank you, darling.

Bleachers? That all you got?

Afraid so, Mr. Tate.

But I'll freeze without a coat.

Yeah, but it should
be a great game.

Ohhh. Not worth pneumonia.

I think I'll skip it.

That son of a gun.

There. That better? Much.

What did you do with the wig?

Oh, easy come, easy go.

How could I ever possibly

become interested
in anyone else?

What brought that on?

Well, never mind.

Sam, can I ask you a
hypothetical question?

Yes, I'd know.

What?

If you became interested
in another woman.

You really have
that sort of power?

That's for me to know, and
you better not try and find out.

You wanna watch some TV?

No, I thought I'd finish

that mystery story
I was reading.

I only have three
chapters left to go.

Where is it, honey?

I knew I'd forgotten something.

Oh, Sam, I specifically
asked you to bring it.

Well, there's no problem.
I'll pop home and get it.

It'll only take a minute.

Never mind.

You wanna know who
the murderer is, don't you?

Well... Only be a second.

Sometimes I think I'm
married to Peter Pan.

Oh! Uh, Larry, what
are you doing here?

Well, isn't Louise here?

No, she isn't.

Well, that's funny.

I guess she decided
to stay home after all.

Well, I'm sorry, Sam. I
guess I disturbed you.

Oh, I wasn't going to bed.

As a matter of fact,

I was just gonna get
dressed and go out.

At this time of night?

Yes, I thought
I'd surprise Darrin.

Oh.

He's working late at the office.

I thought I'd pick him up, and
we could get something to eat.

Can I offer you some
coffee or something?

No. No, thanks, Sam. I...

I have some
business to attend to.

Bye. Good night.

Abner!

Uh-huh?

I've got a surprise!

Mm-hmm.

Hi there.

Hi.

You've had your nose
stuck in that book all day.

I wanna see how it turns out.

It's about the Civil War!

The North won!

Let me find out for myself, huh?

Abner?

What is it, Gladys?

I want you to look at me.

So? I'm looking.

But you're not seeing me.

You haven't really
looked at me in years.

I don't have to. I already
committed you to memory.

Abner, don't you notice
something different?

Oh, you bought new shoes?

Did you find out who done it?

Mm-hm. Wouldn't have
been able to sleep if I hadn't.

What's a seven-letter word...?

Darrin, open up. It's Larry.

How did he know...?

Oops.

I'd better make myself scarce.

Sam.

Honey, you don't
have to hide. W... Sa...

You son of a gun.

What?

I should've known.

The quiet ones are
always the worst.

Have you been drinking,
Larry? Oh, come on, Darrin.

I saw the brunette downstairs.

Brunette?

Oh, that brunette.

That was Samantha.

Boy, you never give up, do you?

I'm telling you,
that was Samantha.

Oh, come on, Darrin. I
saw her with my own eyes.

Now, you come on, Larry.

Samantha? Samantha?

Come on out. Appear
before me. Darrin, this is silly.

Let's go, Sam. Come on.

You don't have to
put on an act for me.

Let's go, Sam.

Darrin, I was just at your
house talking to Sam.

I don't care if you...
You were what?

Twenty minutes ago. I drove
here like a maniac. But...

You gonna tell me this
Sam can be in two places

at the same time?

No, I'm not gonna tell you that.

You son of a gun.

Well... you got me, Larry.

Yeah, you're right.

Nobody's perfect, right? Right.

I hate to be inhospitable,
but, you know...

Sure.

Oh.

Wait, I better tell
you why I'm here.

Why?

Sam's on her way to the office.

So if I were you, I'd
get on over there, boy.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

You son of a gun.

Oh, great.

Samantha? Samantha!

I'm not sure I
like his attitude.

It's entirely too... French.

Why didn't you tell
me you saw Larry?

You never asked.

The doorbell rang,
so I answered it.

Did you have to answer it?

How could I possibly
know it was Larry?

I thought you were
pretty good at that thing.

You needn't get huffy.

What am I gonna tell him?

If I tell him the truth,

he's liable to suspect
that you're a, you know.

Go ahead, Darrin.

You can say it. You're
among friends. "Witch."

Samantha, Larry's
eaten up with curiosity.

He's not going to
stop until he finds out

who the other woman is.

Darling, you've done
nothing to be ashamed of.

There's nothing wrong with
being interested in two women...

What?

As long as they're
both your wife.

Oh, I meant to tell you.

The other night, instead
of going to Samantha's,

I went with Mabel to
the high school play.

Her son was very good.

Mmm?

Larry, are you listening to me?

Sure I am.

Anyway, on the way home,

we were attacked by
two masked bandits,

knocked unconscious
and shipped to the casbah.

Glad you had a nice time, dear.

Don't you think it's a little
undignified for a man your age

to have a lifetime subscription
to a magazine like that?

It has some very
interesting articles.

Sure, and they all fold out.

I meant, it has
intellectual content.

You mean the girls wear glasses?

Louise, every man likes
to look at pretty girls.

It's a normal, healthy
American pastime.

Something you wives
don't understand.

Because it's not true.
Some men grow up.

Name one.

Well... Darrin, for one.

I bet he doesn't ogle girls.

Well... Darrin's not
as perfect as you think.

You mean he buys
magazines like that?

He doesn't have to.

Because he's
married to Samantha?

I mean...

Of course, that's what I meant.

No, you didn't. What
are you trying to hide?

Why do you think I'm
trying to hide something?

Your skull is moving
back and forth.

It always does that when
you're hiding something.

Louise, you can
question me all night,

and you'll never
find out a thing.

Darrin?

Now can I go to sleep?

You actually saw this brunette?

Louise, if you breathe a
word of this to anyone, I'll...

I'll cut off your
charge accounts.

Poor Samantha.

Especially to Samantha.

Now repeat after me:

I promise I will not
mention this to Samantha.

Oh, Larry.

Say it. Oh, okay.

I promise I will not
mention this to Samantha.

Hello, Samantha?

Yes, this is Samantha.

May I speak to Darrin, please?

Is that you, Louise?

How are you, dear? How
have you been feeling?

Oh, just fine.

Well, I just want you to
know you're not alone.

You always have
friends if you need them.

Well, thank you,
Louise. I'll get Darrin.

I think she knows.

Did she say so?

No, but she's treating
me as if you just died.

I don't see how she
could know. Hello, Louise.

Good morning, bluebeard.

She knows.

I realize you can't
talk, so just listen.

Meet me in the lobby
of the President Hotel

this afternoon at 3:00.

And promise not to tell Larry.

I want to talk some
sense into you. Goodbye.

Okay...

What'd she say?

She's determined
to save our marriage.

I don't like this, Samantha.

Well, neither do I.

I guess there's only
one thing you can do.

Tell her you're a witch?

No.

Listen to her, look guilty

and promise to give her up.

Her?

The other woman.

Obviously, one of
me has got to go.

Abner, I'm home.

Well, don't you
have anything to say?

Did you remember to
get my corn plasters?

Put that flute down.

I wanna talk to you.

Abner, don't you ever
think of romance anymore?

Gladys, please. I'm retired.

We've got to face facts.

Now, over the years

we've come to take
each other for granted.

Well, I think we should
do something about it.

Now, what have you got in mind?

I've made a reservation
at a hotel downtown.

We'll spend the weekend there,

away from the drudgery
of everyday living.

We'll relax and really get
to know each other again.

How about it, Abner?

I don't know, Gladys.

It seems like a lot of
trouble to save a marriage.

Besides, I know you
well enough already.

Oh, no, you don't.
Look at me carefully.

There's something
different about me.

Now, what is it Abner?

Is it animal,
vegetable or mineral?

Ooh!

Darrin in his office?

No, he left the building
about 10 minutes ago.

Three in the afternoon?

Did he say where he's
going, or when he'd be back?

No, he didn't.

Well, I've got to
get hold of him.

Look, get Mrs.
Stephens on the phone.

I'll take it here.

Hello?

Uh, Sam, this is Larry.

Do you, by any chance,
know where Darrin is?

Why? Is something wrong?

Well, we had a meeting
scheduled for tomorrow morning.

I just heard from the client,

and he has to leave for
the West Coast tonight.

He wanted the meeting
pushed up to 4 this afternoon.

Unfortunately, I
can't find Darrin.

Well, you might try paging him

in the lobby of the
President Hotel.

The President Hotel?

Yes, he's meeting someone there.

Thanks, Sam.

You're welcome, Larry. Bye.

I know that young
people have trouble

adjusting to each other

in their first year
of marriage, but...

You're right, Louise.

And I promise to give her up.
It was just one of those things.

I'd better get
back to the office.

Sit down. I'm not
through with you yet.

Now, you know, I
wouldn't be here, Darrin,

if I weren't very fond of you.

I realize that, Louise.

Louise.

Abner?

What did you do to your head?

You noticed.

Well, who wouldn't?

It looks like you just stuck
your finger in a light socket.

Well, You didn't before.

Before what?

When I wore the platinum
wig and the blond wig.

Well, I couldn't notice
that. I'm color-blind.

Color-blind?

You knew that.

That's wonderful.

I thought you didn't care,

but you were only color-blind.

I'll get your medicine, Gladys.

Oh, hi, Larry.

You philanderer, you. What?

Oh, no wonder you wouldn't
tell me what the girl's name was.

Why... No, no, don't
try to lie about it.

All the pieces have
fallen into place

to make a horrible picture.

Larry, you're supposed
to be liberal-minded

about this sort of thing, right?

You go near Louise
again, and you're fired.

What is this? An
old witch's cure?

Nope, a young witch's
cure, called beefsteak.

I'm worried about
this whole plan.

We've got to do something

to patch up your
friendship with Larry.

Also, I can't let
something I did

come between Larry and Louise.

Can't we just tell him our story

instead of staging
this ridiculous scene?

Certainly.

All you have to do is say,

"Larry, my wife is a w..."

Forget it.

Where's Larry now?

In his office.

Mm-hmm.

Louise should be
here any minute.

Good.

Hi, honey.

Ho-ho!

I love the way your face

lights up when I enter a room.

What do you expect?

What's the matter, Larry?

You look like you just
lost your best friend.

Huh. Who cares about that?

Are you coming
down with something?

Maybe you need a shot.

That's the best idea
I've heard all day.

Larry, you wanna tell
me what's bothering you?

Louise... where were you today?

Oh. You found out, huh?

Yes, I found out.

Oh, darn.

I specifically told Darrin
not to mention it to you.

Is that all you've got to say?

Well, it is rather
disappointing.

I mean, who can
you trust these days?

Oh, Louise.

What's that?

I don't know.

Darrin, you promised.

Promised what?

Hello there.

Hi.

I don't even wanna
talk to you, you... You...

You...

Samantha?

Who else would
be kissing Darrin?

Darrin, what
happened to your eye?

Yes, er, what happened
to your eye, Darrin?

Larry hit me.

Who? You.

He thought you were the
other woman in the hotel room.

He thought what?

Oh, darling.

You've just made my day.

I told you I went to the
high school play with Mabel.

But, as usual, you
weren't listening.

I still have the program.

I believe you.

Louise met Darrin in
the hotel this afternoon

because she believed what
you told her the other night.

She thought she'd
be able to help.

But you promised me you wouldn't

say anything to Samantha.

Now look at the
mess you've cau...

Oh, forget it.

I have an idea.

Good.

Why don't we all go out
somewhere and celebrate?

I'll buy that.

You must let me try your
wig on sometime later.

I don't think it'll fit, Louise.

It was custom-made for my head.

Darrin... just a moment.

Ha...?

How did Samantha
get from your house

to the hotel in less
than 20 minutes?

She, um... She's a witch!

You son of a gun.