Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 3 - It Shouldn't Happen to a Dog - full transcript

Did I startle you, darling?

Try a touch of
bay leaf from India.

Have you ever thought of
calling before you drop in,

like other people?

I'm not like other people,
Samantha. Neither are you.

So will you please
kindly tell me

why you are
wearing yourself out?

Because Mr. McMann and
Mr. Tate thought it would be nice

to have Mr. Barker
here for dinner tonight.

Well, why don't they
have him to dinner?

Because he's Darrin's account.



Now, if you'll excuse
me, I am very busy.

There's an easier way
to do that, you know.

I promised I wouldn't.

Oh, please, you're
breaking my heart.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go and change.

Oh, well, go right ahead.

And I'd rather you didn't
show up at the party tonight,

if you don't mind.

Why should I? I'm
only your mother.

I won't be around forever.

Wanna bet?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hello, darling.

Mr. Barker's bringing a date?



Oh, no, no. No trouble at all.

I miss you, sweetheart.

I miss you too, angel.

Yes, and I love you very much.

Bye-bye.

[SMOOCHING]

I sell baby food, Stephens.

I know.

You ever see my product?

Yes.

What'd you think of the label?

The way it's packaged?

Frankly, Mr. Barker,

I think there's room
for improvement.

Hmm. I designed it myself.

I still think there's
room for improvement.

Did...? Did you open the can?

I did.

Taste the product?

No, Mr. Barker.

I'm not crazy about baby food.

It's a little, uh,
bland for my taste.

What's bland about
strained bananas and squash

with buttered beef hearts?

It's delicious.

In fact, it's so good, you
hate to give it to your kid.

How 'bout that, huh?

What do you think of that?

Of what? The slogan.

"Barker's is so good,

you hate to feed
it to your child."

Well, I'd rephrase
that, Mr. Barker.

"Barker's is so good...

you can hardly resist eating it
yourself." Something like that.

You like rephrasing
things I say, don't you?

I like being honest.

Hmm. You're pretty
sure of yourself, huh?

I know my business, Mr. Barker.

This sort of campaign
is most effective

in slick magazines and in color.

Well, look, I don't have
too much time today.

But you haven't
seen any of this.

Well, I'll take it with me.

See you tonight, huh?
We'll talk about it then.

[♪♪♪]

Well, how'd we make out?

Well, I don't know. He
took the layouts with him.

Said we'd talk about
it after dinner tonight.

That's a good idea.
A man who's just had

a marvelous culinary
experience, topped off

with a fine old brandy, is
tremendously receptive.

We are going to have a
marvelous culinary experience

topped off with a fine
old brandy, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

But we might be better off
if we serve strained bananas

and squash with
buttered beef hearts.

[ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING,
PEOPLE CHATTING]

Can I tell you something, honey?

That little girl you
married is a witch. Pardon?

In all my life, I never
saw one person

that could throw
together a dinner like this.

And she did it all by herself.

It's like magic. She's
very gifted that way.

Rex always tells me that with me

it would take six
weeks and 12 servants,

and it still wouldn't
turn out right.

LARRY: You said "first-rate."

I presume you were
referring to Stephens' portfolio.

No, I was referring to his wife.

[LAUGHS] Yes.

But about the campaign,

did you have a
chance to look it over?

I haven't even had a
chance to look her over yet.

She's been in and out
of that kitchen all evening.

Oh, there she is.

Oh, she's quite a girl. Yep.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm, Mrs. Tate, can I
get you something else?

No, thank you. Oh, that was a
marvelous dinner, Samantha.

Thank you so much. How
about a green mint or brandy?

Brandy sounds wonderful.

Hi, there. Samantha.

Yes. We were just talking
about you. Can I fix you a drink?

I was just taking
Mrs. Tate a brandy.

Well, here you are. Give that
to your wife, will you, Tate?

Well, of course.

Now, what'll you have?
Oh, nothing, thank you.

Listen, don't you
ever slow down?

You haven't talked
to me all evening.

I have guests. And
I'm one of them.

Why don't we take a stroll
and get to know each other.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I think I do.

Well, good.

Son of a gun.

You all right, honey?
Well, a little tired.

You're doing a great job.
Oh, thank you, darling.

Everybody's raving
about the dinner

and you, especially Barker.

Meeting you might be the
thing that gets us his account.

You're not serious?
Well, I certainly am.

Barker's very
impressed with you.

You married me.
Therefore it follows,

I must be something
very special.

Presto, he hands
over the account.

Take it easy.

[♪♪♪]

Peekaboo!

Ooh!

[LAUGHS] Oh, Mr. Barker,

you scared me half to death.

Oh, I didn't mean to do that.

I just thought you
forgot all about me.

Nothing of the kind.

You're not the sort of man
a person could forget about.

Oh, good. Good.

Why don't we sit...?
I'll freshen your drink.

I don't drink anymore.

I don't drink any less,
but I don't drink any more.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Let's go inside. It's
kind of chilly out here.

I-I don't wanna go inside.

I'm warning you, Mr. Barker,

my husband is a
very jealous man.

Well, I don't blame
him. I mean, so am I.

SAMANTHA: Please.

Darren? Hmm?

Barker say anything
about the account?

No. Have you seen Samantha?

Yes, I think she went
outside somewhere.

Ah.

Please, Mr. Barker.

Mr. Barker, I'm warning you.

If you don't get
control of yourself,

I'm going to do
something drastic.

Promise?

What are you doing
out here all alone?

Oh, I'm not alone.

Where'd he come from? [YIPS]

Oh, he's been around all
night, making a pest of himself.

Love-starved little
beggar, isn't he?

Yes, he certainly is.

Darrin, there's something
I'd like to tell you.

Later, sweetheart,
we have guests. I'll...

[BARKS, GROWLS]

Vicious for a
little guy, isn't he?

Yes, be careful. Darrin...

Put him down, honey.

You're supposed to be the
host of this party, remember?

Come on, put him down.

[GROWLING]

[BARKS]

Good night, Mrs. Tate.
Be sure and call me.

Yes, I will, Larry. Good night.

Thank you. Good night.

[BARKING]

Awww, where were you

when I was looking for
you a little while ago, hm?

I think I'll just
take you out back.

Hey, isn't he cute?

Yes, you are,

you shaggy little devil
with that cold, wet nose.

He's adorable. I'd like to
take him home with me.

Why don't you?

Well, isn't he yours?

Just dropped in. Probably
belongs to one of the neighbors.

[BARKS, GROWLS]

Never mind. I'll take him.

I'll just put him... No,
sweetheart, I'll take him.

[BARKING]

Well, thanks again for
the marvelous dinner.

And stay out.

I'm still worried
about Mr. Barker.

This isn't the first time I've
had to drive myself home.

I'm used to it with Rex.

[BARKING]

Good night. Good night.

[CHUCKLES]

Whew. Well, honey,
time to go to bed.

[STILL BARKING]

Honey? Honey? Hm? Oh!

Yes, but what about
him? I think I ought to...

Never mind about him.

But I'll just go out
and close the gate...

He found his way in, sweetheart.

He can find his way out.

Oh, dear.

[YELPS]

[BARKER BARKING]

[SIGHS]

What's the matter
with that mutt?

I'll go see. Never
mind, I will do it.

Yes, but, Darrin, I'm worried...

I'll do it, sweetheart.
It's so cold...

I'll put on my
robe. Yes, well...

B-but I could... [BARKING]

Shh! Wanna wake up
the whole neighborhood?

Oh, Mr. Barker, don't
you ever give up?

I can't change you back here.

[DOOR CLOSES] Darrin will...

It's no use. We might as
well let him stay till morning.

Oh, I don't think that's
such a good idea.

He'll get tired and
curl up in a corner.

I don't think so.

Wonder how he
got in here anyway.

Darrin... Hm?

You invited him. What?

I couldn't say anything
in front of the others,

but I had to do it.

You had to do what?

Change Mr. Barker into a dog.

What kind of a joke is that?

Oh, it's no joke. You see,
he got very obnoxious. Wait.

You're telling me
you took a live person

and turned him into a dog.

Yes.

Back up, I wanna
get this straight.

You actually turned a
human being into a dog.

Yes.

And that dog is Rex Barker?

Yes.

I can't believe it.

Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I had
to do it. You see, he was drunk.

Hrmph?

Of course, that
explains everything.

A drunken dog is better
than a drunken man.

He trapped me in the garden
and was making advances.

I had to do something.

You call that something?

That's my client.

You don't wanna even
hear what happened.

I had the account
all wrapped up.

What am I supposed to do now?

Bring Larry Tate a contract
with Barker's paw print on it?

Will he remember any of this?

No. Good. Change him back.

Not until you listen
to what I have to say.

I'll listen later.
Change him back.

Barker practically attacked me.

But that doesn't seem to matter

as long as you get him
to sign with your agency.

What do you mean,
he attacked you?

He was very aggressive.
You're exaggerating.

I am not!

Well, so maybe he
had a few too many.

Any common, ordinary wife
would know how to handle it.

But not you. No, you had
to turn him into an animal!

Well, he behaved like an animal.

He grabbed me
and tried to bite me.

[YELPS]

No wonder. Look at
the way you're dressed.

I wasn't dressed like this.

You are now. Put something
on. You're driving him crazy.

You're so concerned
about him. What about me?

Well, what about
you? You're just a wife.

He's a... livelihood.

And that's all you care about?

Yes.

Fine. Then that settles it.

[BARKER WHIMPERING]

Please leave this room.

Now, just a minute, Samantha.
Let's not fly off the handle.

Out. This minute.

All right, if that's the
way you feel about it.

Just change him back.

Never. Samantha.

Out!

Samantha! Will you listen to me?

Samantha! Samantha, open
this door. Do you hear me?

[BANGING]

All right, have it your own way.

[GROWLING]

Sorry, old man.

Yes, Mother, what is it?

I just popped in
to say I told you so.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that ridiculous
husband of yours

certainly is a sketch.

I almost split me bodice.

[CAT MEOWING]

What's that?

Pussycat.

[CAT YOWLING, BARKER BARKING]

What's all the excitement?

That little pussycat
won't hurt Mr. Barker.

You call that a pussycat?

What do you call it?

A mountain lion. It'll
tear Mr. Barker to shreds.

Where are you going?

To rescue that drunken dog.

If anything happened to him,
Darrin would never forgive me.

[GASPS]

Oh, Mr. Barker.

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

What happened?

Where am I?

Well, we took a little stroll.

Ooh!

I'm bleeding.

Well, just a bit.

Now, you be sure and
put something on that

as soon as you get home.

[GROWLING]

[LAUGHS]

You little... spitfire, you.

Go ahead, scratch
me again. See if I care.

Oh, Mr. Barker.

[YOWLS]

[BARKING]

My dog! He'll be killed.

We'll get him. Just
don't get excited.

But you don't
understand. You see...

Do you live around here? Yes.

What's your name?
Stephens. Mrs. Darrin Stephens.

How come you're in
your robe, Mrs. Stephens?

Robe?

Oh, y-yes.

Well, you see, I was taking
my dog for a walk, and...

I wish you'd let me find
him. Something terrible...

Now, don't get excited,
Mrs. Stephens. Well?

I have to find that dog.

My husband's very
fond of that animal.

We'll put out a call. One
of the cars will pick him up.

That's nice of you,
but no, thank you.

I think I better just
keep on looking.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

You can't wander
around the street

like that, Mrs. Stephens.
We'll take you home,

and when we find
your dog, we'll call you.

I've been worried sick.
Where have you been?

Mr. Barker got in a fight
and decided to leave.

In a fight with who?

A cat. A cat? You
mean, he's still...

He was.

You changed him back? I did.

Well, is he all right?

I mean, d-did he say anything?

No, not a word. The last time
I saw him, he was in a hurry.

You think I ought
to call the hotel?

No, I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

He's gonna need all
the rest he can get.

I guess you're right. Sam...

look, I was pretty
upset tonight,

and I probably
said a lot of things

in the heat of the moment.
You know what I mean.

I know exactly what
you mean. Forget it.

Good. I'll get my
blanket and join you.

That won't be necessary.

Hello? Sergeant Frost?

Oh, this is Mrs. Stephens again.

You found him? He's where?

Dr. David Cook. Yes.
Now, what's the address?

Fine, I'll pick him
up right away.

Thank you, sergeant.

Scratches are
nothing to worry about.

As soon as his beard grows
in, you won't even notice.

Can I have him now, doctor?
I gave him a tetanus shot.

Let out quite a scream,
the little fellow did.

But it's for his own good.

Doctor, I'm in a terrible hurry.

Oh, yes. A shot and a bath

and a first-rate
clip comes to $27.

Will you please just send us
a bill? You have the address.

Hurry up and get him for me.

He's late for a very
important meeting.

Meeting?

Doctor, please.

Well, how does he look?

[LAUGHS]

I can't imagine.

You'd think at least he'd
have the courtesy to call.

Well, he put away a
awful lot of booze last night.

[YIPS]

All right, Mr. Barker,
you're on your own.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[INTERCOM BUZZING] Yes?

WOMAN: Mr. Barker is
in the conference room.

We'll be right there. And
your wife is on her way up.

Good, tell her to wait in
my office. I wanna see her.

Mr. Ba...

Hiya.

Say, that, uh...

That must have been
some party last night.

What did you do?

I don't know.

But whatever it
was, I won first prize.

[WINCES]

What happened to your hair?

I haven't the faintest idea.

It looks good.

Yeah.

You ought to see
my chest. It's all...

ruffled.

Why don't you sit down?

Yeah.

Oh!

Seems like I backed into a
cactus bush or something.

Is Babs sore about last night?

No. On the contrary, she
thought you were cute.

Look, uh...

Look, I need a
little pick-me-up.

The bar's in my office.
I'll fix you something.

No, look, I know where it is.

Mr. Barker, we'd like to get

this contract buttoned
down this morning.

You got a deal. I
like Stephens' work.

But give me a minute, will you?

This... This is an emergency.

Ruffles.

Phew!

Mr. Barker?

Well, hello there.

How are you feeling, Mr. Barker?

Miserable, thanks.

But this'll straighten me out.

A little hair of the dog that
bit me. Know what I mean?

Yes.

Ooh.

I usually drink it
with carrot juice.

I get just as smashed, but
I can see better after dark.

[LAUGHS]

You know, you
really are a knockout.

Mr. Barker, you're amazing.
Don't you ever get tired?

[BARKER LAUGHS]

Never.

Oh, I was just
telling her about the...

What are you doing?

Protecting my wife.

He was only with
her for a minute.

What could he have done?

He was nibbling at her neck.

You didn't have to hit him.

What do you expect me to do?

Well, use a little diplomacy.

When somebody insults my
wife, that's as diplomatic as I get.

You all right, sweetheart?

Oh, I'm fine.

But you didn't have to do that.

Mr. Barker.

I should've done
that last night.

Oh, you wouldn't
hit a little dog.

You were telling the
truth. Forgive me?

Of course. Well, I won't.

That punch just cost this
company half a million dollars.

What will I tell
the stockholders?

Tell them I quit.
Come on, darling.

Well, what about him?

Why don't you call the pound?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

[WHISTLING]

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I just dropped by to tell
you I signed with your outfit,

provided you handle the account.

You expect me to work with
you after what happened?

Oh, forget it. I've
got a problem.

Some of my best friends
have knocked me cold.

Hey, listen, if
you and your wife

are ever in
Columbus, Ohio, I, uh...

Oh, forget it.

Sam.

They want me back on the job.

Oh, well, I'm not surprised.

You didn't have anything
to do with this, did you?

Of course not. Everybody wants
you because you're the best.

Now, how about taking
me out to celebrate?

Good idea. I'll get my hat.

Uh-uh. Don't you dare move.

Samantha.

I know, I know, no hocus-pocus.

So sue me. It was worth it.

[♪♪♪]