Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 27 - There's No Witch Like an Old Witch - full transcript

Well, Mary and I have been
discussing it...

and we've decided we won't be able
to go to Miami to the conclave.

We just don't feel right
about going off...

and leaving your poor
Aunt Clara by herself.

- Doesn't she want to go along?
- Of course she does.

But she won't.
She's no longer able to fly that far.

Oh, poor dear.

And she's too proud
to take a plane.

Well, you know, she gets
all mixed up in her spells...

and when anyone tries to help her,
she gets so depressed.

- Where is she now?
- She should be here.



I offered to bring her,
but she insisted on flying by herself.

What can I do to help?

Let her stay with you
until we get back from Florida.

You seem to be doing so well
without witchcraft.

Maybe you could show Clara
how to manage.

Well, of course she can stay with us.

And we'll help her
in any way we can.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Oh, that must be Clara now.

Don't you worry. I'll talk to her.

It would be better if I weren't here.

She gets terribly self-conscious
in front of me.

Well, you run along, and don't worry.

All right. Goodbye, dear.



I'll just go out this way.

Aunt Clara?

Aunt Clara?

Aunt Clara?

Aunt Clara?

- Aunt Clara.
- Oh, thank goodness it's you.

Oh, dear. I've lost my doorknobs.

No, you haven't.
They're all over the floor.

Just don't move.

- How did you get in the closet?
- Oh, I don't know.

- I don't know.
- Don't go away.

Oh, dear.

Well, at least I'm in the right house.

Of course I'm glad Aunt Clara
is here for a visit...

but I wish you'd let me know.

Sorry I couldn't get you
to cancel the theatre tickets...

but I knew you'd understand.

It's okay. It doesn't matter.

Aunt Clara, I'm so glad to see you.

Oh, thank you, dear.

No, now, I don't need any looking after,
and I refuse to be treated as a guest.

I hope you'll excuse me
if I give you a hug once in a while.

Well, all right.

But don't overdo it.

- Here you are, Aunt Clara.
- No, no, I don't need that.

- Would you like a little sherry?
- Oh, yes, but I'll get my own sherry.

I can still do things for myself,
although some people think otherwise.

Now, let me see. Now, there's:
Prendel...

broom...

stackpool

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry. Don't worry, Aunt Clara.

No harm done.

None at all. These are my favourites.

Here you are, dear.

Oh, but you handed it to me.

Yes, of course.

- Oh, so you've forgotten the spell too?
- No, no.

We prefer it this way. No witchcraft.

Oh, well, I see what
you're trying to tell me...

and you're both very sweet...

but I'm not going to stay here
another moment...

unless you go on living your lives
just as if I weren't here.

All right, if that's the way you feel.

Darrin and I have tickets for the theatre
tonight, and we're gonna use them.

And since you're not a guest,
you can come and help me fix dinner.

Oh, good. I'll take my sherry with me.

Better hurry, honey. We'll be late.

Now, have a good time.
A good, good time.

- Don't you work too hard.
- No.

- You promise.
- I promise.

- All right.
- Bye-bye.

Have a good time.

Well, now, I suppose we must get
all you dirty dishes into the kitchen.

Now, gently, now,
so none of us break.

Franken, loo, crumple

Oh, dear.

I wonder what I did wrong.

Well, now, I suppose I can
do the leftovers myself.

Suds.

Suds...

Zolthan, durbin, lye, loam

Oh, well, that wasn't so difficult,
was it?

Zolthan, durbin, lime...

Infinito. Oh, no.

Stop them
Stop them, halt them, stop them

Help. Oh, help them...

It was a great play, if you ask me.
Don't you think so?

Well, sweetheart,
I've seen an awful lot of plays.

- Oh, really?
- I was only kidding.

I agree with you 100 percent.

Well, I hope Aunt Clara
found something to amuse herself.

My stars.

Aunt Clara?

I had a bit of trouble in the kitchen.

Oh, my goodness.

Here, Aunt Clara. A nice cup of tea
will make you feel better.

Oh, now, you know, I feel terrible
of the mess I made of things.

Don't be silly. Matter of fact,
you've done me a favour.

The house never looked cleaner.

I can't do the simplest thing,
like washing the dishes...

or the simplest kind of a spell.

You could learn the mortal way
of doing things.

Oh, no, I don't wanna do that.

Aunt Clara, you are
simply feeling sorry for yourself.

And who has a better right?

No, no, I might as well face it.

I'm earthbound.

I'm nothing but a helpless old witch.

- I hope we're doing the right thing.
- Of course we are, darling.

All ready, Aunt Clara.

It'll be good for her to get out with us,
and she'll love the Caldwells.

I know. I just don't want her to feel
we're pushing too hard.

Nonsense.
She'll have a marvellous time.

Well, here I am, here I am.

- All set, Aunt Clara?
- Oh, yes, yes, dear, yes.

- But I do feel like a fifth wheel.
- What's wrong with a fifth wheel?

There have been many times
I was glad I had a spare.

What's he mean by that?

- Hi. Hi, Darrin.
- Hi, Bea.

This is my Aunt Clara.
Aunt Clara, Bea Caldwell.

- I'm glad to meet you.
- How do you do?

Stash your coats,
we may be here for a while.

- Tom still working?
- We'll meet him downtown.

- I'm afraid we have other problems.
- What happened?

My regular babysitter copped out on us.
I haven't been able to find another one.

- Something wrong, Aunt Clara?
- No, no.

I was just admiring the doorknob.

- Let me take your coat.
- No, you run along with the others.

I'll hang it up myself.

I beg your pardon.

You must have somebody on call
in case of an emergency.

I collect goldfish.
Would you like to see them?

Oh, I certainly would, yes.

I'm going to introduce her to my fish.

Well, thank you.

Well, that's that. No babysitter.

- It's a shame, Bea.
- Well, I wanted to be a mother.

- Fish are a lot of fun.
- Oh, yes, I'm sure they are.

Why don't you three go downtown
and meet Tom.

- Nothing doing.
- No, please.

It's better than leaving him
in the big city by himself.

Let him come home.
We'll fix something.

Oh, well, you know,
I have a splendid idea.

Now, why don't you all run along,
and I'll stay here with Jimmy.

Oh, no, no. I wouldn't think of it.

No, Aunt Clara.
Wherever we go, you go.

Oh, no, but I'd enjoy it.
Really, I would.

It's sweet of you to offer, Aunt Clara, but
we can go out to dinner another time.

Oh, well, if I'm a guest,
I must do as you like...

but if I had my druthers,
I'd rather stay here with Jimmy.

Well, all right. If you'd rather.

I wanna show you my marbles.

- I got an agate lagger.
- Oh, no.

Have a good time.

I'll get our coats.

What do you think?

I think it's marvellous.

Oh, isn't he nice and fluffy.

Yes, but he doesn't like me much.

Oh, that's nonsense.
Of course he does.

Well, now, you watch.

Hey, he wagged his tail.

Yes, now, wasn't that good?

This is my favourite, but I broke it.

Oh, that's a pity.
Well, let me see, now.

Oh, maybe I can fix it.

Sailboat mast

Boy, how did you do that?

Oh, it's really nothing.

What else can you do?

Well, I can't do what I used to do,
but let me see.

How would you like a toy soldier?

Well...

Oh, dear. Done it again. Well...

- Hey, you're a magician.
- No, no, I'm a witch.

You are?

Gee, I wish you could live here
all the time.

Oh, thank you very much, Jimmy.

Well, now, off to bed.

Hey! Neato.

I'm sorry, Aunt Clara is booked solid
on Thursday. Just a minute.

She could sit with your little girl
from 2 until 4:30 on Friday.

No, Saturday is all filled up.

Okay, 2:00 Friday.

Fine. Oh, fine.

Yes, I'll have her there
at 2:00 a week from Thursday. Bye.

Isn't it wonderful?
I've never been so busy in all my life.

Neither have I.

Come on, let's go.

Now, no more arguments.

You go to sleep.

Hey, it squirted in my face.

See what happens
when you're naughty?

Well, we had breakfast in Cairo,
then we flew off to London.

How did you fly, Aunt Clara,
prop or jet?

- Proper what?
- Jet.

What airlines did you take
from Cairo to London?

Airlines?

Witches don't bother with airlines.

They just take off.

Really? Gee, how do you do it?

Well, when you're a young witch,
it's easy.

All the joy of wanting to be
in some place...

and "ala-kazaam,"
you're on your way.

- Ala-kazaam!
- Ala-kazaam!

But it's different when you get older.

You mean you can't fly anymore?

Well, not like I used to.

I can't even fly across the
Gulf of Mexico with a favourable wind.

But you still can make short hops,
can't you?

Oh, well, if I'm up to it.

From rooftop to rooftop,
that sort of thing.

Are you up to it tonight, Aunt Clara?
Will you show us how?

Oh, no, Louise.
No, no, not tonight.

But by the way I'm feeling...

I may be up to it by next week.

Oh, boy, that's great.

And in the meantime...

Do you think it's normal for a babysitter
to tell children she's a witch?

Oh, Agnes, it's just a way
to amuse them.

I don't know what she's done to my
kids, but they believe she's a witch.

So do Louise and Gary.

And if you ask me,
I think she believes it herself.

But Aunt Clara's a good witch.

If I promise not to try,
then will you let her fly off our roof?

- Elsie?
- But, Mama...

Please be quiet.
Oh, no, not you, Elsie.

There's something I think you
should know about Aunt Clara...

before you hear it
from your children.

You have? Yes.

This paper says that Aunt Clara
is restrained from further babysitting...

until she reports to
Judge Virgil Winner for a hearing.

- There's a troublemaker around here.
- Now, Sam, calm down.

- Never trouble trouble.
- I will not calm down.

Just when she found something
she loves? It isn't fair.

That I agree with, but if Clara appears
before that judge and starts talking...

I wanna come face to face
with the person...

that started this smear campaign
against my Aunt Clara.

And I'll help you.

But no rash acts, no temper,
and above all, no:

Please, promise, for everyone's sake.

- Well...
- Sam.

All right, Darrin, I promise.

Aunt Clara. Is there no surname?

It isn't necessary.

You may call me Aunt Clara.

Very well. Aunt Clara...

are you aware of the nature
of the complaints...

Mrs. Agnes Bain
has filed against you?

Yes, of course.

Quite aware.

Now, you understand,
this is not a trial.

It's only a hearing to determine
the accuracy of the complaints.

Would you mind answering
a few questions?

Oh, not at all, not at all.

Aunt Clara, do you know the meaning
of the word competence?

Yes, I do.

Do you believe that you are
a competent person?

Well, of course.

But there's some things
I don't do as well as I used to.

Not at my age. Who does?

- Aunt Clara, do you like children?
- Why, very much so.

Do you ever feel resentful
toward children?

Resentful?

Oh, my, no. Why should I?

Sometimes when we get a little older,
we resent those who are younger.

Well, I suppose
you have a point there.

But I don't think resentful
is the right word.

No, I think we like to look back,
remember when we were young.

At a time free of care, you know.

Full of happiness and music
and bright colours.

Aunt Clara, during your employment
as a babysitter...

did you ever tell children
you are a witch?

Oh, yes.

You told them this in a spirit
of make-believe?

Oh, no, no, I was quite serious.

Witches are evil beings. Were you
trying to frighten the children?

Oh, certainly not.

And what makes you think
that witches are evil?

Well, aren't they?

- Oh, pure "flumery."
- I beg your pardon?

Oh, "flapdoodle"
and "blatherscythe."

We're like just ordinary people.

Only, we do little extra things,
that's all.

What sort of little extra things?

Some of us paint, write music...

like Mozart and Rembrandt.

You mean Mozart and Rembrandt
were witches?

Well, you don't think they were
ordinary human beings, do you?

Aunt Clara, what sort of extra things
are you able to do?

Well, not as many as I could
when I was younger.

Well, let's put it this way.

Did you tell the children in your care
that you could perform feats of magic?

Oh, yes. I did tricks for them.

What kind of tricks?
Can you do any of them now?

I suppose I can.

How about a rabbit?

Rabbit. Let me see...

That would be:
Winking, blinking, three times three

Doesn't look like a rabbit, does it?

Well, now, let me see...

Well, I thought a rabbit was:
Winking and blinking...

Well, it is, yes.
Four times four

Yes, it isn't right yet.

Well, we're getting closer.

Oh, dear. You know, I knew the spell
just as well as I know my own name.

Now: Winking, blinking and...

Oh, yes. Ten times 10

How did you do that?

I didn't... I'm not sure.

Very funny.

If you think this is
a laughing matter...

ask her how she intended to
fly off the roof carrying my children.

Will you be seated, Mrs. Bain?

Now, Aunt Clara, had you intended
to attempt such a thing?

Well, I told the children that if it were
possible, I'd fly with them next week.

They got a great kick out of that.

But it wasn't possible...

so I explained to them
that I was no longer a young witch...

and there would be no flying
from rooftop to rooftop.

We don't like to
disappoint children, do we?

I could make it up to them with several
other little tricks I think they'd like.

I just have one more question
I'd like you to answer.

Could you possibly arrange to come
sit at my house with my son?

He's 7 years old.

Oh, yes.

I'd be delighted.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, judge, but Aunt Clara won't
be available for the next two weeks.

She's going to Florida today.

She'll be glad to sit with little Otis
when she gets back.

Oh, thank you. Bye.

You've got a list of clients
whenever you want.

Well, isn't that nice.

You all set?
We have to hurry to get the train.

No, no, you don't have to drive me.
I can get there under my own power.

Aunt Clara, are you sure?

Well, I told you I felt much better.
Oh, I'll prove it.

- Are you all right?
- Fine, fine.

- What went wrong?
- Maybe you didn't concentrate.

Could be. You know, these walls
are getting harder and harder.

Well, I proved it.

Oh, there's no witch like an old witch.

I'll get the car.