Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 14 - Samantha Meets the Folks - full transcript

Ouch!

[CRASH]

Aunt Clara!

[COUGHS, MUMBLES]

Oh, Endora was right. I
should have traveled by bus.

Oh, are you all right?

You know, I think I've
been putting on weight.

I used to come down
through a chimney

as clean as a whistle.

Come on over here and sit down.

Over here. All right?



Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh, it's so nice
to see you again.

Oh, and it's nice to
see you too, dear.

Oh, well, we'll have a
lovely weekend together.

A weekend?

Doorknobs are all very
well, but they're not family.

Aunt Clara... I count
them when I'm lonely.

But somehow, you know,

today they didn't
seem to do the trick.

And then I remembered the
lovely invitation you gave me,

to come here
whenever I wanted to.

I see.

Now, where's that nice
mortal you're married to?

Darrin went to
pick up his parents.



They're spending
the weekend too.

Oh? Oh, I've picked
a bad time for a visit.

Uh, oh, well.

Never mind. I'll leave
before they arrive.

No, you won't.

Now, I haven't met
Darrin's parents.

Be kind of nice to have
you around for moral support.

Besides, we have plenty of room.

Now, are you sure I
won't be in the way?

Of course not.

And I'd like them to
meet my favorite aunt.

Oh, you are a nice girl.

Now, why don't I
show you to your room.

And you can get
cleaned up and rest

before you have to meet
Darrin and his parents.

No, I think I'll wait for
my bag and umbrella.

They weren't ready and
packed when I wanted to go,

so I just left them there.

Teach them a lesson.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS] I can't wait to see him.

Oh, I hope she hasn't
let him lose weight.

He can't afford to lose weight.

Oh, he's probably in the
last stages of malnutrition.

Oh, now, you know
that isn't what I meant.

Oh, there he is!

Oh, Darrin! Oh, Darrin!

[DARRIN LAUGHS]

Aw!

Uh-oh. Here come the waterworks.

Three months away and it's
like he's back from the grave.

Well, it's too long for a son
to be away from his mother,

much too long.

Marriage obviously
agrees with you, boy.

I've never seen you look better.

Have you, Phyllis?

Oh, he looks terrible.

How can you say he
looks well? He looks terrible.

Have you been eating
the right foods, Darrin?

Oh, I feel great, Mom. Honestly.

Never mind.

I'll fatten you up with
some good home cooking

in a couple of days.

Meet my wife, the diplomat.

Now what did I say wrong?

There's our luggage.

Sam's a pretty
good cook too, Mom.

Sam?

Samantha.

Oh, Samantha! Oh,
I'm sure she is, dear.

And you know

I'd cut off my right arm
rather than interfere.

I just thought I'd give
her a few tips, though.

Can she make chicken cacciatore?

No, Mom. No one can make
chicken cacciatore the way you can.

Oh, it's nice that
there's something

you need your mother for!

Well, let's go.

I'm anxious to meet
this bride of yours, Darrin.

I'll bet she's something
really special.

Pop, you win your bet.

[KNOCKING]

Oh. Oh, there you are.

I told you I wouldn't
wait for you.

Well, don't stand
there like that.

Come in, come in, come in.

Now, your room is
the second on the left.

I'll check dinner
and be right up.

[SNIFFS]

Oh, it smells good!

Pot roast.

I wanted to serve
something more exotic,

but I thought I ought
to stay on safe ground.

Exotic?

Yes, you know.

Beef stroganoff, coq au vin.

Something that would really
impress Darrin's mother.

Oh. Now, don't you worry, dear.

I just know they're
going to love you.

How can you be so sure?

I'm a witch.

[CHUCKLES]

Ha!

[SMACKS LIPS]

I can't tell you
how excited I was

when we heard that
Darrin was married.

Fainted four times. Four.

Oh, he's exaggerating as usual.

Oh, I will admit
that I was surprised,

but I'm not one of those mothers

who want to keep their children
tied to their apron strings.

Then why is everything
in Darrin's room bronzed?

Why, there's nothing
wrong with being sentimental.

I think it's rather nice.

His tennis racket?

[LAUGHS]

Now, why don't you
two men leave us alone

so that I can get acquainted
with my daughter-in-law.

Come on, Pop. I'll
show you your room.

Right.

You treat her well now,
Phyllis. I like this girl.

Now we can talk.

I just wanted you to know
that you don't have to worry

about me being one of those
interfering mother-in-laws.

Why... Why, I'd cut
off my right arm first.

Well, I wouldn't
want you to do that.

Of course, if you...

If you do need any
help, I'm always available.

That's nice to know.

Well, I do know a little more
about Darrin's habits than you.

So if there's anything
you want to know,

anything at all,
feel free to ask.

Uh, Darrin tells me
you're a good cook.

Well, I'm still learning.

Oh, good.

Uh, that is, maybe
I could give you

the recipes for some of
his very favorite dishes.

Do you know how to make
pineapple upside-down cake?

No, I don't.

Then there are his hives.

Well, I don't know how
to make those either.

Uh, no. No, dear.

That's an allergy.
It's a rash he gets.

I'll show you how to treat it.

Oh, I've cured that!

You cured his rash?

Oh, yes.

We found out he only got it
when he ate chicken cacciatore.

Oh, I see.

My, this is a... This
is a lovely room.

Did you, um... Did
you have a decorator?

No, I did it myself.

Well, it's absolutely lovely.

I'll bet you can't
wait to get it finished.

Finished?

Oh, really, all it needs is a
few knickknacks to warm it up.

Darrin is used to that. He
always had them at home.

Oh, I've got more than enough.

I'll send you some
when I get back.

Oh, why, thank you.

[MEN CHUCKLING]

Oh, uh, Darrin, I was
just telling Samantha

how lovely the room looks.

Oh, yes, it does have
a nice, clean look.

I hate a room that's all
cluttered up with ornaments.

You know, we really don't know
very much about you, Samantha.

What did you do before
you married Darrin?

Well, I traveled a lot.

With your family?

Sometimes.

Do you get to see
much of your mother?

Oh, she pops in and out.

And what about
the rest of your...

fami...

Oh! Hello, Aunt Clara.

Oh. Hello, everybody.

Come on. I want you
to meet everybody.

Oh.

Aunt Clara, this
is Mrs. Stephens

and Mr. Stephens.

How do you do?

And that is Darrin.

Oh!

Uh, this is an
unexpected pleasure.

You haven't met Darrin before?

Oh, well, I've met him,
but he hasn't met me.

Uh, in the flesh, I mean.

So to speak.

Aunt Clara's going to spend
the weekend with us too.

DARRIN: She is?

I-I-I mean, she is?

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, wouldn't you like to
see my doorknob collection?

Why, yes, I... I
beg your pardon?

Aunt Clara collects doorknobs.

I have 3000.

Where'd you get them all?

AUNT CLARA: I don't remember,

but there are a lot of people

having a heck of a time
trying to open their doors.

Uh, Samantha, could I
speak to you for a minute?

When?

Now.

Uh, yes.

Excuse me.

Maybe this would be

a nice chance for us
to have a little chat.

Oh, yes.

[CHUCKLES]

Darling, I was just as
surprised as you were.

I turned around, and there
she was, sitting in the fireplace.

She came down the chimney?

Oh, well, darling, you can't
blame someone for being old.

She used to come
through the wall

just the same as everybody else.

Oh, great!

She's really very sweet.

I'm sure she is, darling.

And I'd love to have
her here any other time,

but not this weekend.

My parents are
plain, simple folks...

Darrin, Darrin.

Darling, I can't
ask her to leave.

I couldn't bear to see her hurt.

You can understand
that, can't you?

[SIGHS]

I suppose so, honey.

I know it's inconvenient.

But I'm sure your
parents will understand.

Besides, what possible
harm could she do?

Yes, I'm a witch.
All my family are.

Sort of a family thing that's
been handed down, you know.

Yes.

Uh, but the witch game
is not like it used to be.

Oh, no.

Now, there was a time

when you could cast a spell
on someone and they knew it.

Not now.

No, not now.

Oh, well, now take the Yankees.

Oh, the Yankees?

Well, they lost two World
Series in a row, didn't they?

They did. Uh, you put
a spell on them, huh?

Well, Bertha and me, yes.

Bertha and you!

[AUNT CLARA LAUGHS]

Oh, well, I'm... I-I'm
so glad you don't mind.

Mind?

About Samantha being one.

Oh, Samantha's a witch too, huh?

Uh, yes, yes.

But she's trying to get away
from it. It bothers Darrin.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I, uh...

I think I'll go for
a little... fresh air,

if you don't mind.

Shan't be long.

[GASPS]

[THUD]

I used to go through a
wall, "Whoo!" Just like butter.

I think I'll try the front door.

[SIGHS]

[THUD]

She's kind of cute, isn't she?

FRANK: What about
your sister Madge?

PHYLLIS: That's not
the same thing at all.

Madge has a quirk, that's all.

FRANK: Quirk? She
thinks she's a lighthouse!

You call standing on the
garage roof when it rains

to warn ships at sea a quirk?

PHYLLIS: That woman
believes she's a witch.

Now, you can't tell
me that's normal.

FRANK: Oh, well, Darrin
isn't married to Clara.

And I think Samantha's
a perfect wife.

PHYLLIS: Perfect?

She can't even make a
pineapple upside-down cake.

What kind of a family has
poor Darrin married into?

FRANK: Oh, for...
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Oh, Darrin, you think
everything's going all right?

I don't know what
you're so worried about.

Pop thinks you're great.

Yes, but what about your mother?

I'm sure she likes you too.
Obviously the flight upset her.

She's just not
herself, that's all.

I don't know. I just don't know.

I have a funny feeling there's
something out of whack.

The only thing out of
whack is your Aunt Clara.

Well, at least you know
where you stand with her.

Well, has Mom said anything?

Oh, no. Of course not. I
know she's trying to be nice.

I've done everything
I can to please her.

I just don't know. I have
a funny feeling, that's all.

There's something wrong.

Hello, dears.

Everything all right?

Yes, everything's ready.

Just keep your fingers crossed.

Oh, I don't believe
in superstition.

I just know that everything's
going to be perfect.

Oh, dear.

I better go empty the
ashtrays in the living room.

Oh, Sam...

Now, Clara, Clara,
don't goof this up.

Now, coq au vin.

[CACKLES]

[GROANS, MUTTERS]

[CACKLES]

Go away, chicken.
Go away, chicken.

Go away, little chicken.

Oh! Now, that's better.

Oh. Now... Now for dessert.

Pineapple upside-down cake.

It'd be just my luck if it
came up right-side up.

Oh! I'm on a winning streak!

Please sit down, Mr. Stephens.

Oh, fine. Sure.

Aunt Clara, make
yourself comfortable.

Ah! Hey, that smells
great! What is it?

Pot roast.

I would like to have served you
something, well, more exciting,

but cooking really
isn't one of my...

That's coq au vin!

DARRIN: Samantha.

Yeah, that's
what it is, all right.

Oh, it looks delicious!

I thought you said
you couldn't cook.

FRANK: Quite a sense of
humor this girl of yours has, Darrin.

Yeah, she keeps
me laughing all day.

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHS FORCEDLY]

How'd you know it
was my favorite dish?

Oh, does Mrs.
Stephens cook it for you?

Cook it? She can't
even pronounce it.

You're a great cook.

Oh, you wait until you see

the dessert she's
whipped up for you.

What is it, Samantha?

Maybe it should be a surprise.

AUNT CLARA: Pineapple
upside-down cake.

Well, Phyllis, I guess you
can stop worrying now, huh?

Our boy couldn't
be in better hands.

What's the matter?

I have a sick headache.

You've been at it
again, haven't you?

Shh! They'll hear you.

[WHISPERS] Zap, coq au vin.

Wham, pineapple
upside-down cake.

I didn't make that food.

You promised me no witchcraft.

You said you were just
going to be yourself, but...

You didn't?

Well, who did?

I would say your prime
suspect is Aunt Clara.

Unless, of course, your
mother's holding out on us.

What?

She isn't a witch too, is she?

Let's leave my
mother out of this, huh?

No matter what you say, Darrin,

it was a delicious meal, and
she hardly ate a mouthful.

Now, what can I do
to get her to like me?

Sam, let's just solve one
problem at a time, huh?

I think I'll have a little talk
with Aunt Clara after dinner.

Now, Darrin,

if you hurt her feelings,
I'll never forgive you.

She was only trying to help.

Well, I'll just ask
her to stop helping.

Be tactful.

Don't worry.

I'll tactfully tell her

that the position of house
witch is already filled.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hmm? Come in.

Oh.

Am I disturbing
anything, Aunt Clara?

Oh, not at all, not at all.

No, I'm just polishing
my doorknobs.

That must be quite a
job, keeping those clean.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, it keeps me
out of the pool halls.

[CHUCKLES]

That was quite a
dinner you whipped up.

Oh, I still know a trick or two.

Well, that's what I wanted to
talk to you about, Aunt Clara.

You see, my mother and father,

they aren't... used
to, um... witchcraft.

You see that?

Now, to a doorknob collector,

that's equivalent to
the Hope Diamond.

It's not that we don't
appreciate your trying to help.

Such a nice sparkle.

I wouldn't even have
brought it up at all,

except that...

Well, my mother and
father just don't understand.

Do you understand what
I'm saying, Aunt Clara?

Oh, it's nice of you to look
at my doorknob collection.

Not many young people care
about that sort of thing nowadays.

Come on, bag. We must go.

Did you talk to Aunt Clara?

Uh-huh.

You didn't upset her, did you?

Well, she didn't
seem to be upset.

Did she understand?

I don't know. It's hard
to tell with Aunt Clara.

I think I'd better
go up and see her.

I thought I'd give you
a hand with the... dish...

Oh. Oh, you've
already done them.

[SIGHS]

Isn't there anything I can do?

DARRIN: Nothing at all, Mom.

Sam's done it all.

Oh, you should get

the Good Housekeeping
Seal of Approval, Samantha.

Thank you. I-I'll be right back.

Darrin, are you happy?

What? Of course, Mom.

Now, if there's anything
you want to tell me about,

I'm always here.

I've never been
happier in my life.

Any problem at all, no
matter how large or how small.

Just because you're married

doesn't mean you still
can't come to your mother.

Mom, I don't have any problems.

Well, that's all right.

If you don't want to tell me
about it, that's fine with me.

You know I'd cut
off my right arm...

Phyllis, will you
leave the boy alone?

Now, hasn't a mother the
right to ask if her son is happy?

Well, who wouldn't be happy,

married to a dream
like Samantha?

Oh, she's a
lovely girl, all right.

Well, then why have you
been trying to find fault with her

ever since we arrived?

That's not true!

I mean, what do you want?

She's beautiful, she's talented,

she's even-tempered
and she's a great cook.

I agree.

[SHOUTS] Well, then
there's no argument!

There's no argument! All right!

If there's no argument, why
are you two yelling at each other?

What did you do to Aunt Clara?

I didn't do anything
to Aunt Clara.

You must have said
something insulting.

Otherwise she
wouldn't have left.

Sam, do we...?

Darrin, you promised you'd
be tactful. You promised!

Do we have to discuss this
in front of Mom and Dad?

Yes, we do.

Now, Aunt Clara's a
guest in this house too.

You may not like it,
but she's my family.

Really, Samantha. There's no
need to take it out on Darrin...

Shut up, Phyllis.

I told you, it's not
my fault she left.

Oh, yes, it is.

If you hadn't been so annoyed

because Aunt Clara
made the dinner,

none of this ever
would have happened.

She cooked dinner?

Yes, she did.

You may as well
know it right now.

I'm not a very good cook.

You're not?

No, I'm not.

I can't make coq au vin or
pineapple upside-down cake

or any of those fancy dishes.

DARRIN: Samantha...
It's no use, Darrin.

I cannot pretend to
be something I'm not.

And I won't stand here
and see Aunt Clara hurt.

I don't blame you.

What did you say
to that nice old lady?

I didn't say any...
You be quiet.

Go on, dear.

Well, that's just about it.

I wanted you to think that I
was the perfect wife for Darrin

and Aunt Clara thought
she was helping me.

The fact is I'm not very
good at housekeeping yet.

If you like me any
less for that, I'm sorry.

But you'll just have to accept
me as I am, faults and all.

Oh, Samantha, you don't know
how happy you've made me.

What are you crying about?

Oh, what do you men
know about anything?

What's going on here?

I didn't want you
to be perfect, dear.

Well, then why did
you act as if you did?

Because I'm a silly old woman

who was afraid she'd be
pushed aside and forgotten.

And you seemed

so self-sufficient and
so good at everything.

I just thought I wouldn't
be needed anymore.

Do you understand?

Yes, I do.

I'll go see if I can't
find Aunt Clara.

Oh, she's at the bus station.

How do you know?

I asked her umbrella.

Good thinking.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Well, I hope he finds her.

You asked her what?

Oh, uh, family joke. I just
have a hunch she's there.

Well, maybe Aunt Clara's
right. You are a witch after all.

I am.

But don't spread it around.

Oh, it'll be our secret.

Oh, Darrin, you
don't really think

that I bronzed your
tennis racket, do you?

Of course not, Mom. I
knew Pop was kidding.

However, I did bronze your
shoes. Your football shoes.

We're using them for bookends.

Oh!

Hey, how'd you girls like
to see a little magic, hmm?

Oh, Frank, for heaven's sake!

We'll show you
a little trick here.

Uh, Aunt Clara? Take a
card out of the deck, huh?

Just any card. Go on.

Take it out of there and
look at it and put it back in.

Don't let me see it, now.

Oh. Well!

Let me see. Hmm. All right.

You got it?

Yep!

All right. Put it back
in now. Anywhere.

Just anywhere. Right?

Alrighty, now. Let's see.

Your card is a, uh... [CHUCKLES]

Funny. This always
worked before.

You'll find it in your
top coat pocket.

Oh.

PHYLLIS: Now,
how did you do that?

I'm a witch!

Oh, well, now, I think I'll
go for my little constitutional.

Do you mind if we
walk along with you?

Uh, walk?

Oh! Oh, well. Oh, well, that
might be nice for a change.

You know, the next time we come,

I must bring my
sister Madge along.

She and Clara would have
a ball, wouldn't they, Frank?

[LAUGHS]

AUNT CLARA: Oh, dear.

They really seem to
have hit it off, haven't they?

They sure have. And they
think you're the greatest.

That's nice.

Well, it's as I said.

All you had to be was yourself.

You're right, darling.

Oh, Samantha!

You said I should be myself.

I take it all back.

Maybe my folks aren't
ready for the real you yet.

[♪♪♪]