Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 1, Episode 10 - Just One Happy Family - full transcript

I thought all it needed
was the antenna.

Oh, no. No, lady,
that was just part of it.

Your oscillator
variation control is out,

your audio analyzer's burned

and that TV filter,
well, that's all shredded.

It's gonna be a job. Big job.

Can I use your phone?

Yes, of course.
It's in the kitchen.

Thanks.

Yeah, I put the antenna up,
and I stripped down the set.

Ought to be worth about 40
bucks to put it back together again.



[LAUGHS]

How did you, uh...?

Nail file.

[♪♪♪]

They're putting a
new train in service.

Leaves the city at
10pm. How about that?

Don't tell me.

That's a gentle way of saying

you have to start
working nights again.

Nothing like it.

My evenings with you are
worth more than success or gold.

I should think Larry would
want you to save your strength.

He'd go out of
business if you got sick.

[WHISPERING] Samantha!



I have to speak to you.

[WHISPERING] What's the matter?

I can't talk in front of him.

It's extremely urgent.

There's nothing
you can't say to me

that you can't say
in front of Darrin.

Well, get rid of him.

And hurry up! It's cold in here.

What did you say, dear?

I said it was sweet
of you to say so.

Say what?

About my being more
important to you than gold.

I like the thought.

Sincerely said
and honestly felt.

[WHISPERING] Samantha!

I advise you to listen to me.

What is it, mother?

It's your father.

He's coming to see you.

Father?

What did you say, honey?

Nothing, darling.

That's funny.

You know, for a moment there

I thought you were
talking to the dishes.

Father's coming here?

Yes, he is. Tonight.

And he knows you're married.

Why so secretive?

Don't you realize what
that means, Samantha?

Of course.

Oh, it'll be wonderful
seeing him again and...

Oh, no!

Exactly.

How are you going
to explain Duncan?

Darrin.

His name will be mud

when your father
finds out he's human.

Maybe we'd just
as well face it now.

I'm married and there's
nothing he can do about it.

I shudder to think
how many things

he can and probably
will do about it.

What am I going to do?

Your father?

Yes.

He knows I'm married,

and he's coming
to see me tonight.

When did you
find out about this?

Just now.

You were talking to the dishes!

I was talking to Mother.

She was trying
to be unobtrusive.

Oh.

Well, so your father's coming.

I'd like to meet him.

Father doesn't approve
of mixed marriages.

Well, neither does your mother,

but we worked that out.

Sort of.

But Father's different.

He's got a terrible temper.

Honey, it's time he faced
the fact you're married to me.

What can he do about it?

That's what he can do about it.

You're kidding.

No, Darrin, I'm not kidding.

I know my father.

And I'd better break
the news to him alone.

Okay.

Okay, but I'm coming
home right afterwards.

Darrin?

Uh, Darrin, look
these over, will you?

Yeah, sure, Larry.

Uh, try to get on it
this afternoon, will you?

We can talk about
it on the train.

I forgot to tell you, Larry.

I won't be going home tonight.

[KNOWINGLY] Oh, really?

"Oh, really?" Come
on, now, Larry!

I'm just going to stay in town

and have dinner.

Trouble with Samantha?

No, of course not.

Then why can't you go home?

The fact is, my father-in-law's
coming over tonight,

and Samantha hasn't
told him about me yet.

So what?

He should be proud to have
the finest account executive

of McMann & Tate
for a son-in-law.

I'm afraid that wouldn't
impress him very much, Larry.

Well, you're a fine
human being, Darrin.

What more does he want?

If I told you, you'd
never believe me.

I've got to be
strong with Daddy.

After all, I'm not
a child anymore.

You'd better be careful or
you won't be a bride anymore.

It's not fair.

No one tells him
how to run his life.

First of all, your father
doesn't run his life,

he... choreographs it.

I don't care what he does.

When he gets here, I'm
going to stand right up to him.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS]

Father!

Samantha! Of course, it is.

You've got to be my daughter.
You're positively gorgeous.

Well, what about yourself?
You look marvelous.

Yes, I suppose I
do. All right, Charles.

I shan't be needing you anymore.

Endora.

My love. Nice to see you.

It's nice to see you too,
Maurice. How are you?

In excellent health, thank you.

You wouldn't have it
any other way, would you?

Of course not.

Close your eyes and
reach in my pocket.

You brought me something?

Haven't I always?

[GASPS]

Oh, Father!

It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

It's the most beautiful
thing anyone has ever seen.

Endora, a little
something for you.

Oh, thank you, Maurice.

Oh, how very thoughtful of you!

From that charming little
shop in Zurich. Remember?

Oh, yes. Yes, I remember.

Is that disagreeable
little clerk still there?

Oh, yes, he's there.

And still disagreeable,

but, uh, very, very little.

Oh, Maurice, you shouldn't have!

It was nothing.

Not the gift, the clerk.

I haven't brought anything
for the man of the house,

but then, what can you create
for a man who has everything?

What's his name?

Darryl? Denny? Dinny? Donald.

Darrin. Darrin.

Darrin. That's a good name.
It's got a good sound to it.

Darrin. Darrin what?

Stephens. Stephens.

I don't think I've
ever flown into them.

Massachusetts. Very old stock.

Good.

Are you happy? Yes, I am.

That's all that's important.

That's what I've
always wanted for you.

You really mean that,
Father? Of course I do!

Then I have
something to tell you.

Marry the right man,
and you'll be happy.

The right man?

Haven't I always said that?

Find the man of whom I
approve, and he'll make you happy.

Do you remember
my telling you that?

Yes, now that you mention it.

It doesn't make sense.

Why should he be
against your marriage?

He just doesn't approve
of mixed marriages.

Oh? I didn't know
you were mixed.

Oh, yes. Um, I'm English and...

she's Norwegian.

That's a mixed marriage?

To her father it is.

What is he, a Viking?

Worse.

Well, where is he?

When am I going
to get a look at him?

Well, he's not
here, is he, Mother?

I hope not.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, if he was here,

he wouldn't be where
he was supposed to be.

Isn't that right, Samantha?

Yes, Mother, that's right.

And he's supposed
to be in... Washington.

What do you think
of him, Endora?

Well, I...

I, uh, think he'll surprise you.

Good.

Good.

Look, Darrin, you love
Samantha, don't you?

Certainly.

Well, then, you
have to fight for her,

stand up to the old man.

What can he do to you?

Point a finger at
you and blow you up

like you were made out of glass?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It's a shame I'm not going to
see that young man of yours.

Yes, well, it's too bad
you can't stay longer.

Darrin should be
home in a few days.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

He's been working
so hard lately.

Aren't you going to answer it?

The telephone? Yes.

Oh, yes! Yes, of course.

Hello?

Hello, Darrin. How are you?

I'm in a bar getting drunk.

You're so far away I
can hardly hear you.

He's so far away I
can hardly hear him.

You won't be home for a week?

Why not?

Oh, that's a shame.

You see, my father
dropped in tonight,

and I was hoping the two of
you would get a chance to meet.

If you think I'm going to
spend a week in this bar,

you're out of your mind.

Oh, no, of course
not. Just a moment.

I think I'd better take this in
the other room. You understand.

Of course. Go ahead, darling.

She's turned into quite a girl.

Chip off the old block, eh?

If you say so, Maurice.

Chanson du Mer '59.

Mmm, quite like old times.

Brussels. Remember
l'épaule de mouton?

Oh, what a weekend that was.

We were never in
Brussels together, Maurice.

Of course we were! I
remember distinctly.

You were...

Perhaps you're right.

You always did have a
memory like a steel trap, Endora.

Chanson du Mer '59.
'53 was much better.

No '53.

Oh, well. Probably only
half a dozen bottles left.

Darrin, you can't!

I don't care, Sam.
I'm coming home.

I beg of you, Darrin.

Please don't come
home. Please listen to me.

I'm through listening. Goodbye.

Hello? Hello, Darrin?

Please understand, I'm
doing this for your own good.

Larry!

Larry!

Get me out of here!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

What's the matter?

What do you mean?
I'm stuck in here!

Oh, come on. Pull on it. Pull!

What's the matter
with this door?

There's Darrin. We
were on our honeymoon.

Nice-looking boy.

What's this?

That's Darrin when
he was a lieutenant.

What's he doing in the service?

Everybody goes into the service.

Everybody perhaps, but not us.

Oh.

Well, you see, it's
really very simple. He's...

MAURICE: He's what?

He's... patriotic.

He's always been patriotic.

I have pictures of
him in World War I,

the Spanish-American
War and the War of 1812.

Before that, I have paintings.

LARRY: You all right,
Darrin? DARRIN: Yes!

Come on, fellas,
easy. Down easy.

Easy does it. MAN: That's good.

DARRIN: It was a nice trip.

We'll have you out of here
in a few minutes, Darrin.

Okay. Did you talk to her?

You bet your life, I did!

What'd she say? She
said not to come home.

But I said I'd had enough.
I'm coming home right now.

Want me to drive you?

No, it's too far.

But there's a new
train in service, Larry,

but I don't know
what time it leaves.

Have you got a dime?

Yeah.

Here you are.

Thanks, Larry.

I have in this
hand a certificate

testifying to the
birth of a male child

named Stephens,
first name Darrin.

Mother, Phyllis, father, Frank.

Would you care to explain?

Yes. Yes, I would.

It's a front to fool
the neighbors.

I tried that. It almost worked.

Almost?

I also found this.

"Darrin Stephens.

One capsule after each
meal, two before bedtime."

Does the front to
fool the neighbors

extend to the bathroom
medicine cabinet?

No, of course not.

Then why would a warlock
be needing medicine?

Unless, of course,
he's not a warlock at all.

Can you tell me when
the last train leaves

for Morning Glory Circle?

Thank you.

Twenty minutes.

Larry, can you have
me out of here by then?

Don't worry. If we can't,
we'll ship you railroad express.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Is he or isn't he?

Father, please...
Just tell me the truth.

Is my son-in-law
a warlock or not?

You won't get angry?

I reserve that privilege.

Father, please sit down.

It's true.

Darrin is mortal.

[RUMBLING]

You're not angry, are you?

[RUMBLING INTENSIFIES]

Father, please.

Maurice, control yourself.

Father, your temper.

Stop carrying on!

Stop acting like a child!

Oh, Maurice! You're
being ridiculous.

And you! I turn my
back, and what happens?

She marries a
common, ordinary mortal.

Darrin is neither
common nor ordinary.

I am not talking to you.

Times have changed, Maurice.

This happens in
the best of families.

It does not happen in my family.

Well, it has.

It's over and done
with. I'm married.

And I am going to annul the
marriage, Samantha, forever.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CAR DOOR SHUTS]

Washington, eh?

Father. Mother!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Very good, Endora.

What have you done with him?

Wouldn't you like to know!

Endora.

Perhaps you frighten
Samantha, Maurice,

but you certainly
don't frighten me.

Where is he?

You're getting stronger, Endora.

You're getting older, dear.

I'll find him.

Wouldn't you like to bring
in the evening paper, dear?

A flower, a bird, a tree...

What do you think, Samantha?

[LAUGHS LIGHTLY]

What's that you have there?

Just the evening paper.

I can't understand it!

A girl of your
background, your breeding!

I can't understand it!

Yes, I can. It shows a
complete lack of respect!

Please!

Young people are all the same.

No feeling for tradition,
no sense of heritage.

It's a disgrace.

Oh!

Are you all right, darling?

Yes, I'm all right.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

Now, look, you!

So far, I've been
locked in a phone booth

and turned into a newspaper.

I've been banged on one end,

and I've been
burned on the other.

Now, I may be a source
of amusement around here,

but I also happened to be
married to your daughter.

She loves me and I love her,

and we're gonna stay married

whether you like it or not.

I have to admit, he has courage.

You certainly picked a good one.

I told you, Father.

It's a shame I have to do this.

Father!

Father, how could you?

I did it for your own
good, Samantha.

Maurice, you have no right!

You keep out of this, Endora.

Bring him back!

Father, please, bring him back.

Someday you'll
thank me for this.

Thank you?

I never want to see you again!

You don't really mean
that. You're excited.

Saladam! Belazar! Oblivia!

How dare you speak
like that to your father!

Maurice,

I'm not overly fond
of that boy either,

but I'm not going to have a
human being on my conscience.

Now, you bring him back.

I'm sorry, Endora.

What's done is done.

You bring him back,

or I'll make your life
miserable for you,

and you know I can do it.

I'll move in with you!

Father, if you love me,
please bring him back.

Does it really mean
that much to you?

I love him.

With all my heart, I love him.

Please don't take
him away from me.

[SIGHS]

Very well.

I'll try.

What do you mean, try?

I'm sorry, Endora, I
gave him a terrible jolt.

Don't waste time. Do something.

Well?

I'm trying!

Please, Father. I
know you can do it.

He's doing it! You're doing it!

Where's the rest of him?

[GROANS]

That's it. That's it, Maurice!

You have it in you,
I know you have.

Keep it up! Keep it up!

Go to it, Maurice! Go to it.

Oh, look at that technique.

Please try harder, Daddy.

SAMANTHA: He did it!

He did it!

Oh, Darrin.

Very good.

Very good, indeed!

Oh, Da... Is that all of him?

[BREATHLESS]
Yes, that's all of him.

Are you all right, Darrin?

Well, here we are,

just one, big, happy family.

Of course, we haven't
discussed it much,

but I'm partial
to large families.

SAMANTHA: Oh, yes, so am I.

Four or five, at least.

Grandchildren might
be a good idea at that.

What do you think, Endora?

There's no need to
rush on my account.

Oh, no, of course not.
We have plenty of time.

But I was just thinking, there's
something I should tell you.

If the first one's a boy...

Now, now, now. None
of this silly sentimentality.

You don't have to
name the baby after me.

Oh, well, I'm glad you
feel that way, Daddy,

because Darrin
promised his father

that we'd name the
first boy after him.

Oh.

Oh, well, I suppose
some people need that.

Well, I must fly.

But before I go, I
want to propose a toast.

Chanson du Mer '59!

DARRIN: '59?

For this family?

Nothing doing.

How about '53?

Chanson du Mer '53?

Chanson du Mer '53.

Are you, uh...? Are you
sure he's not one of us?

It isn't chilled, though.

He's not one of us.

It's chilled, my boy.

Perfect!

Although I take a dim
view of most mortals,

you've made a very
favorable impression, Donald.

Darwin!

Darrin!

After a century or two,

I might get to like you

as well as I like
this champagne.

Too bad you won't
be around that long.

Happiness, darling.

Delightful to see
you again, my love.

One and all, auf Wiedersehen.

Bye, Daddy.

Yes, goodbye,
Mister... Uh, Daddy.

Au revoir, Maurice.

He always was very big on exits.

[♪♪♪]