Better Things (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Ephemera - full transcript
Sam learns about pronouns and finance.
GLORIA: They're
dropping like flies.
Good Lord.
A lot of my friends are dead.
It's like a serial
killer's in town.
Or maybe chemical warfare.
I just can't believe Lorelai
and Hal are both gone.
And Hal hung himself.
- Hanged.
- That's so sad.
Well, he got the diagnosis,
and he just didn't
want to go on.
And Lorelai swore
she would never drive
at night anymore.
Well, you can play
bridge with two people.
Gran, I found this box
with a bunch of
stuff with Post-its.
It's like you've been
preparing to die since 1997.
- Course.
- That's so rude.
It's part of life.
- (iPad beeps)
- Oh, bugger.
Gloria? Oh, goodbye, Gloria.
This is wonderful.
- I like having this.
- Okay.
Now satellite, maps.
MAX: Okay.
- Now type your address here.
- PHYLLIS: Mm-hmm.
- FRANKIE: Boom. Isn't that crazy?
- (Phyllis gasps)
Oh, dear.
That's my home.
Oh, I don't like this at all.
This is a dreadful invasion.
And why is my old car
still in the driveway?
No. No, Nan, this isn't now.
This is a drone shot that
was taken a while back
before Mom made you
get rid of your car.
Made me? That was my choice.
Your mother can't
make me do anything.
Me, either.
Oh, you know what I
really want to see?
The house where you and
Uncle Lester grew up.
MAX: Is that okay,
Nan? Do you want that?
I-It's all right, dear.
I-I'd like to see that.
MAX: Okay.
19 Ainsworth Avenue.
United Kingdom.
Oh, my goodness.
That's my house.
And there's the bus stop
my father used to take
to work every day.
And that's the River Mersey.
We lived on the east
side of the river.
And this is where my
good friend Lilly lived.
Everyone called us Phil and Lil.
And... Yes.
Then there was the gang.
Dorothy Brew,
Valerie Campbell
and Diane Simpson.
I was jealous of Diane
because she was an only child
and got everything she wanted.
And then there was Sheila Corbyn
and her sweet brother Ben.
He fell madly in love
with me, you know.
(Frankie chuckles softly)
- Do you think he's still there?
- I have no idea.
I lost touch with everyone
when I came to America.
Well, let's see if
he's on Facebook.
Is that the cloud?
Absolutely not.
I'm not doing the cloud.
Nan, you're using
the cloud right now.
This is the cloud.
It's actually the perfect place
for your people
to stay in touch.
What kind of people am I?
The Silent Generation.
But regardless, she
doesn't have an account,
so let's just use... mine.
Is that him?
Yes. That's him.
Oh, my goodness.
He's still handsome.
- (Max chuckles)
- Oh, he did make me laugh.
I did like him quite a bit.
But I wanted to
travel, see the world.
No set plan.
Just save my money
and get up and go.
He's single. Friend him.
Oh, he doesn't need to be single
for us to be friends again.
- (Max chuckles)
- Let's send him a message.
Oh, no, stop!
(chuckles softly) I would
never greet him like that.
(scoffs)
"Darling..."
(chuckles): Oh.
- No.
- (all laugh)
No, I couldn't
possibly. Um, um...
"Dearest..."
- FRANKIE: Aw, "dearest."
- MAX: I love that.
- He's so pretty.
- I know, right?
And it's weird, because
I didn't think...
Like, I don't hate her as
much as I thought I would.
Who's pretty? Your teacher?
Mom. This conversation
is private.
(chuckles): Oh. Private. Okay.
I'm sitting right next to you.
Do you want me to just
pretend I'm unconscious?
Yep. Just your friendly
neighborhood Uber driver here.
Not listening.
Which is bullshit.
They always listen.
So, this is the Chapel
of the Holy Cross.
The three of us hiked
all the way to the top.
And then this is the
view of the whole canyon
- and the red rocks. It was sick.
- Whoa, that's beautiful.
- Was it hard?
- Not really.
I mean, my dad was
a little bit slow,
but Marianna kept
up. She's a runner.
(exhales) Okay, Mom,
I didn't tell you
because I thought you would
get your feelings hurt.
Me? Oh, I so don't care, baby.
(chuckles): I have zero feelings
about your dad's
personal dating life.
- Don't care.
- Okay. But, Mom, she's actually, like, kind of cool.
She's a dermatologist.
And she's half Uruguayan.
And she gave me all these, like,
really good skin care products.
Uruguayan. Hmm.
Okay, see? You do care.
Oh, no, I seriously don't.
It's like you told me
some gay guy named Larry
married his boyfriend
in Torrance.
Pepper,
- you got your paperwork to shadow Duke?
- Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Five stars, please, Miss.
You're not funny.
- (car door closes)
- (chuckles) Actually,
people tend to find
me pretty funny.
Please put that phone down
before you walk
into that building!
- Esperanza!
- (school bell rings)
- Hi.
- ESPERANZA: Oh, hi, Sam.
- How are you?
- SAM (chuckles): Hi.
- I'm good.
- How's Max and Frankie?
They're good.
- Toi, toi, toi. They're all big now.
- Aw.
The house feels kind of empty.
- You want to come back? I need a friend.
- (chuckles)
- (Sam chuckles)
- (horn honks)
I'm with this new family now.
I think the boy is a Nazi.
He doesn't like my pupusas.
- (horn honks)
- What?
- H-Here.
- One sec! Who could hate your pupusas?
- Here, you take them.
- (gasps)
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Be honest. Do you miss us?
- (chuckles)
- We're your favorites, right?
- (grunts softly)
- What?
Oh, Danny! Hey.
I was hoping I'd see you here.
DANNY: My friend.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
You come back for tacos nacos.
- With you?
- Bring your kids.
I'll bring six of mine, okay?
- (chuckles)
- Okay.
- You make me smile.
- Oh.
Bye, Danny.
- All right.
- See you later, king.
What? You know Danny Trejo?
- Yes.
- (Esperanza gasps softly)
Sammie, be careful.
He's a married man.
You know he's already
had seven wives.
Oh, what? No. (Chuckling)
- We're not that. No.
- ESPERANZA: No?
No.
That's right.
- No man for Sam.
- Yes, that's right.
- (laughs)
- Down with men.
El stinko. Muy contenta sola.
- (chuckles)
- Ciao.
- Bye, Esperanza.
- ESPERANZA: Adios.
(bag rustling)
- (sniffs) Oh.
- (horn honking)
Sorry! Sorry.
- (engine starts)
- (honking continues)
Okay.
- (dog barks)
- (Sam sighs)
MARION: Hi there, schmuck.
Oh, a briefcase.
- Hello.
- Shut up.
(dog barking)
Uncle Marion's
here to help Mommy.
(scoffing)
Just sign this.
Do this right now.
What is it? (Clears throat)
- Fill it out. You need it.
- (pen thuds)
I don't have a lot of time.
Ooh.
Gold pen. Can I...?
- You're giving that back to me.
- Okay.
Wait, what is this?
- What?
- I'm not checking this box.
"An unmarried woman"?
Am I being filmed?
- (sighs)
- Is this a joke?
I don't joke about money.
It's antiquated, yes. Fine.
It's just how most
forms are still.
Ugh. This makes
me physically ill.
Who am I, Jill Clayburgh?
Was "spinster" not available?
I would prefer "spinster."
Just fill it out.
Oh.
Ooh. (Chuckles)
That's your fiduciary
voice. You're very serious.
It's so fiduciary.
You're doing that right now.
(deep voice): "It's
very fiduciary. Mm."
Do you even know what the
word "fiduciary" means?
Yes.
Boring. Money-related.
- Republican.
- Would you like to know
what my fiduciary advice
is to you right now?
No, not at all.
Good. 'Cause you
wouldn't like it.
Okay. Sorry.
Go ahead. Tell me.
Be annoying.
Your debt-to-income
ratio is a joke.
You're overleveraged
with the two mortgages
and the four dependents.
Not to mention the
mamzer who bled you dry.
Okay. Yes. I know all this.
So what do I do?
You want my advice
moving forward?
Yes.
- Okay.
- No. No.
No. No. No.
Yes.
- All right.
- No.
- Oh, God.
- No. No.
No. (Groans, sighs)
Okay, yes.
- All right.
- No. Actually, no.
Because I don't like
the tone of your face.
And I feel very
accused right now.
So, if you could give
me your advice without
that.
Our mother's 83 years old.
She doesn't need a
three-fucking-bedroom house.
I knew it.
It always comes down
to Phil with you.
You're obsessed.
You got to take the
emotion out of it.
Rent her a small condo.
People do it every day.
It's not a
revolutionary idea, Sam.
Do that and...
"And"? "And"? I get
to do another thing?
Yes.
Sell your house.
You're in the negative
zone right now.
Shrink.
Shrink. Shrink.
Shrink.
- Are you a grown-up?
- Are you a grown-up?
Seriously, are you?
Because grown-ups
don't pretend their
financial issues evaporate
- just by closing their eyes.
- (sighs)
I'm not selling my house, bro.
Why not? Max is gone.
Frankie and Duke
will be gone soon.
Why do you need all this house?
You don't.
It's just you. You're
five-foot-nothing.
You don't need all this.
I love you, sis, but
you're a pain in the ass.
You got all the love growing up
because you're so talented
and charming and entertaining.
But this right here? This
is what I'm talented at.
And I'm sorry if
my talent is boring
and dry.
(voice breaking): And
a little overwhelming.
Aah!
- (crying)
- Bro.
Bro.
This just happens lately.
I'm gonna say this because...
I think you need to
hear it right now.
- Dad would have been proud of you.
- Aw, come on.
(sobbing): That makes it worse.
All right. Come here.
Let go.
- Oh, you stink.
- Let go.
You're the worst.
Let go.
Let go.
All right. Get off
me. That's enough.
I hate you.
You put the "douche"
in "fiduciary."
(sighs) Just sign it, will you?
- I'm not checking that box.
- You don't have to...
You don't have to...
Just sign that.
- (Sam groans)
- (Marion sniffles)
- (pen scribbling)
- (exhales)
You're such an adult.
I'm proud of you.
- (chuckles) Bro.
- Yeah.
- (chuckles) Sucker!
- (groans) Damn it.
- It cost more than your car. Come here!
- I love you!
Are you serious?
What?
Please come in here with me.
I can't. I can't fuck
with antique malls
and all those energies in there.
It's dangerous for
somebody like me.
Okay, Theresa Caputo.
Are you coming in?
Uh... No, thank you.
Be careful of those robots.
They'll get you.
PEPPER: I can't believe they
sell those. Is that legal?
Roald Dahl was a Nazi.
Uh, what should I get my mom?
Do you like any of those?
I don't... I don't know.
Just get her whatever.
She'll like anything.
Are we done?
Can we go now?
- Um, let me pay for this, and we can leave.
- Okay.
♪♪ It's too late for tears ♪♪
♪♪ Honey, it's too late ♪♪
♪♪ Too late to cry ♪♪
- PEPPER: Hi.
- Hi.
♪♪ Oh, but it's too late ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, for begging
me, baby... ♪♪
That's a beauty.
Sandalwood.
- Honey, will you get her the key so she can open it?
- Mm-hmm.
♪♪ Now that you
need me, darling ♪♪
♪♪ How could you walk out? ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, whoa... ♪♪
DUKE: It's so sad.
Everybody who was in these
and took these are all gone,
and now nobody wants them.
WOMAN: Actually,
lots of people do.
Objects have energy.
It's strange,
but, well, our lives become
lovely ephemera.
♪♪ Too late to cry ♪♪
♪♪ But I know you know
that I know that I know ♪♪
♪♪ That it's too late for
wanting me, baby... ♪♪
PEPPER: Hey.
- What's the matter?
- No, it's...
I don't... I don't
feel anything.
My... Can we just go?
Can we just... Can we just go?
Okay.
♪♪ Too late for tears. ♪♪
I guess I'll just get her
a T-shirt at the train
station or something.
No, we can... we
can go to Burbank
and, like, find
her a special gift.
- It's okay.
- No, really, we can...
- We can go.
- Forget it.
We can head back. You're
obviously over it.
Hey. Can you please
put your phone down
- for like five minutes?
- What do you want from me?
I don't mean to be a bitch,
but I used up my break
to spend time with you.
I could have gone on
a trip with my mom.
And instead, I'm staring at you
looking at your phone all day.
And see?
If I say anything,
you just medicate.
And it's boring.
You're boring, Duke.
Yeah. You are.
Just, like, I-I don't...
I don't know what to say.
What do you... Like, what
do you want me to say?
I don't want you
to say anything.
I just want you to
have fun with me.
And be with me. Can you
just be with me, please?
(crying): I don't know.
I just, like...
I don't... I don't
feel anything.
Not even my thing.
Like, not even,
like, my sunshine.
And it's like, like, I don't,
like, I don't feel comfortable
in my own skin. I
just... I hate my face.
I, like, I hate my
body. And it's like...
Like, I, like... Like, I
don't want to leave the house,
and, like, I don't
want to do anything.
And, like, I'm not
good at anything.
Like, I... Like, there's
nothing else I do but that.
And it's like...
Like, I don't... Like, I
don't want to leave the house.
Like, I don't feel connected.
To, like, anything.
And I suck at... My sisters.
My sisters are so
fucking perfect.
And, like, they're good
at everything they do,
and they're so
fucking beautiful.
And then it's just like
I'm, like, next to them
like nothing. I'm nothing.
That's dumb.
You're beautiful.
No. Fuck you. You're beautiful.
- No, I'm a fat shit.
- Shut up.
- It's just that...
- That's okay.
'Cause I love myself.
I'm good with myself.
I want that for you.
Do you remember this
poem you wrote me?
That's what you're good at.
Writing.
Are you staring at my tits?
(chuckles, sniffles)
They're right there. Eye level.
(chuckles)
(peacock honking)
LaMARR: Welcome to the
Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
My name is LaMarr.
My pronouns are he/him.
My pronouns are
fat and trans fat.
- Mom.
- I'm kidding.
I know it's no laughing matter.
My pronouns actually are
- Mr. Dobalina/Mrs. Bob Dobalina.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
- Please continue.
- Thank you.
Today, you will be seeing
the final resting places
of actors, writers,
stuntmen, grips.
Boom operators like
my late father.
- Don't step on the...
- Stepped on the new guy.
- Oh, he's new? Ooh! (Spits)
- FRANKIE: Brand-new.
LaMARR: If you
have any questions,
please feel free to ask.
Are we ready to
begin our journey?
Shall we?
- SAM: Dedication, October 26, 1999.
- FRANKIE: 1999.
SAM: Mama Irene!
- FRANKIE: I love the sunglasses.
- SAM: I love her shoes.
Wedges.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
This is incredible.
He was a rock climber or...?
Look at all these movies.
He was in all these movies.
- Oh, whoa.
- Or he did all these movies.
So he was a... stuntman.
See, that's what I don't get
about the rest of them, though.
I wish they all, like,
said what they did
rather than just, like,
"Here's a person.
Here's when they lived.
- "Here's when they died."
- SAM: I mean,
this is just a
magnificent monument.
Wow.
Beautiful.
Abbondanza!
"A man who is missed
"by anyone that knew him.
"You've left us
a lasting legacy,
"and we miss you
terribly every day.
You will always and forever be
in our hearts and thoughts."
(sniffles)
- (exhales)
- LaMARR: Right here to our right
- is Charles S. Chaplin Jr.
- Oh!
Over the archway, you
can see Iron Eyes Cody,
- one of our finest Italian actors.
- Oh!
And right down here
is Joan Hackett's
shrine of reverence.
- (Sam gasps loudly)
- Take a look.
- Will you shut up?
- Sorry.
I'm excited. Lot of people
that I really admire.
(exhales) Sobering.
FRANKIE: What a legend. I
mean, can you believe the kind
of harassment she
put up with at work?
Who are you talking to?
I went through all
that shit, too.
Wait, where are you going?
- FRANKIE: I want to walk around.
- But the tour.
Okay.
Just slowly...
I love you. (Kisses)
Slip away.
You ever think about, like...
Do you have any
plans, like, maybe
for what you want
to do next year?
Like, actual plans
for the future?
I'm so confused.
What are we talking
about right now?
♪♪ After searching
all my life ♪♪
- ♪♪ I've found a place ♪♪
- (man praying in Hebrew)
♪♪ Where love never dies ♪♪
♪♪ Have you seen
the people there? ♪♪
Amen.
Omain.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you very much.
SAM: I think I really
messed you guys up.
FRANKIE: Mom, I get it.
Make plans for the future.
Think about my life
even though global warming's
gonna kill us all anyway.
I totally understand.
SAM: Where to next?
You want to go to...
Little Thailand or
the gay section?
Grandpa's grave.
Oh.
What?
- Mom, come on.
- (sighs)
- Come on.
- Geez there, then.
I don't feel like it.
FRANKIE: One for
you, one for me.
(exhales, kisses)
(peacock honking)
See? You can see yourself.
Let's go home.
- Do it again.
- (Frankie imitates peacock honk)
(Sam and Frankie laugh)
- Yeah, it's like a... (honks)
- Like a squeaky toy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Please don't attack us.
- (peacock honks)
- (Frankie imitates honk)
(Sam laughs)
- That was nice.
- Mm.
Mom, Jason's they/them.
Oh. What?
They're not he/him.
They're they/them.
Oh.
They are?
Those are their pronouns.
Okay? And I'm not, like, mad
about your dumb jokes
in the circle earlier.
Whatever. I still
have a sense of humor.
And if you mess up in
the future, I get it.
It's a process.
I know it's a lot for
you to understand,
but you should even
though you're old.
(chuckles) All righty, them.
All righty, them. (Chuckles)
That's a good joke.
I... (clears throat)
Sorry. So, um,
Jason's a they/them. Okay.
Not a they/them. Just they/them.
Okay. So there's, like,
more than one of him?
I mean... Sorry. Them?
It's a plural word.
They are a thousand strong.
They are legion.
(chuckles) -It's okay.
There's a learning curve.
SAM: Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm...
What?
Are you
anything in particular
else called thing
that you would like
to tell me about?
No.
Because, uh, I was
just wondering,
if-if one of you guys...
Uh...
I mean... Sorry. People.
Uh, what would I
- supposed to be calling you?
- (engine revving)
Asshole!
Why do you have to
call us anything?
I mean, why-why do things
have to have labels
and be genderized all the time?
What does that even mean?
What are we, all just a bunch
of nouns walking around?
I-I'm-I'm saying, I'm wondering,
I have three daughters.
- What would I... call you?
- Well,
a daughter is a girl.
They'd still be
your child, though.
"My child."
I would have two
daughters and a child.
Like the 1820s.
"My child.
"My child is ill.
My child has typhoid fever."
- (chuckles)
- Pretty much.
So, what would the sisters
call the FKA sister?
Sibling.
(Sam exhales)
I've always been the
mom of three daughters.
Who would I be then?
It's not about you, Mom.
(Sam exhales)
("Mary Moon" by LABRYS playing)
(exhales)
♪♪ Mary, did you
see the moon? ♪♪
♪♪ Mary, did you miss it? ♪♪
♪♪ Mary, did you go outside ♪♪
♪♪ During the eclipse? ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
(iPad chimes)
- (laughing)
♪♪ Ooh... ♪♪
Hey, Uncle Lester.
(sighs)
♪♪ Oh! ♪♪
♪♪ Y'all want it nasty ♪♪
♪♪ Let me get down and dirty ♪♪
♪♪ What's that plan,
suffragette? ♪♪
♪♪ All right, let me
tell you like it is ♪♪
♪♪ Ha ♪♪
♪♪ They say what
goes up come down ♪♪
♪♪ Don't tell me that lie ♪♪
♪♪ I know that it
can change around ♪♪
♪♪ But we've been through it ♪♪
♪♪ Cheating on each other ♪♪
♪♪ Don't paint me no color ♪♪
♪♪ And call me brother ♪♪
♪♪ All right, 'cause you know ♪♪
♪♪ You know I know ♪♪
♪♪ What goes around
come around ♪♪
♪♪ And it stinks when
it come back, baby ♪♪
♪♪ And it gotta be funky, funky,
funk, funk, funk, funk, funk ♪♪
♪♪ All the way
down through it ♪♪
♪♪ Huh? Baby, I got
a message for you ♪♪
♪♪ Hey, man, it seem
like life been ♪♪
♪♪ Somethin' of a
problem to somebody ♪♪
♪♪ Let me get down and dirty ♪♪
♪♪ What's that plan,
suffragette? ♪♪
♪♪ All right, let me
tell you like it is ♪♪
- ♪♪ Ha. ♪♪
- Here's to you.
- (clattering, dogs barking)
- Jesus.
MAX: Hi, babies.
(barking continues)
DEMAREST: Yep, okay.
- (grunting)
- SAM: Hello?
- MAX: Guys...
- Is this your mom?
CAMPBELL: Bro, this is
really heavy. Keep going.
Keep going, guys. Keep
going. Up the stairs.
- Don't stop.
- Okay. Yep.
Whoa, whoa. Oh, no, no, no.
No, you-you need to stop.
- Guys, just keep going up the stairs. Up the stairs.
- No, no. Not up the stairs.
- Don't stop.
- Stop! Stop, stop. I...
No. No, put that down. I
have to protect the art.
- Yeah, bro, you got to protect the art, okay?
- DEMAREST: Here, go in first.
- And freaking help me, okay?
- No, no, no. Stop now.
Set it down right
now on the stairs.
- Put it down on the stairs.
- (overlapping chatter)
- Sit it down right now.
- I'm gonna drop this mattress.
- SAM: Okay.
- Oh!
- Thank...
- Ooh.
(panting)
(dog barking)
(blows raspberry, clears throat)
Hello.
Hi.
Uh, Mrs. Fox...
Oh, no, no, no, bro.
Okay, where do you
want the mattress?
Not my name.
I was gonna call you,
but it's not my fault,
because, like, the U-Haul
changed location last minute
and I-I had to go all the
way to Canoga Park to get it,
and then my phone
died because, like,
I had to use GPS the whole time.
I almost got lost in
freaking Chatsworth.
So...
Okay, so should I assume
that you're moving back home?
Well, I don't have a choice.
I mean, it really sucks.
Like, I loved that apartment.
Okay, so, uh, where do
you want the mattress?
Just upstairs, to the left.
Um, no, actually, that's
not your room anymore.
Your room is Duke's
room, or FKA Duke's room.
- Seriously?
- That's... Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Upstairs to the right.
- (panting)
- SAM: Thank you, boys.
CAMPBELL: Yes, Ms. Fox.
(Campbell and Demarest
grunting, panting)
Hello.
Will you come with me?
It's gonna be fine. Ooh,
look at your fucking tushy
- in these pants.
- (laughing): Mom.
- Mom.
- (clears throat)
This makes me feel
like a failure.
I just, I-I need you to know
I don't want to live here.
Yes. Okay, thank you.
(chuckles): No. No offense.
I just, like, I don't really
have a choice right now.
I won't be here for that long.
For the lady.
- Who is this for?
- For you.
You need it. Take it.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- How is that?
- Mmm.
- Good.
- Yes.
Yes.
- One for Mama.
- Mmm.
- It's good?
- Good.
I want you to
know... that I know.
Know what?
That this feels
like going backward.
But it's not.
This is movement
towards your future.
This is forward movement.
I swear to Frances Farmer.
Thanks.
What do you think about Frankie?
What about Frankie?
I was just wondering
what you think.
They're fine.
♪♪ Can you remember
what it's like... ♪♪
- Mm. What?
- Frankie's good.
Okay.
♪♪ In your sight... ♪♪
Welcome home for a little bit?
Just a little.
♪♪ Spread it around, do... ♪♪
Mmm. I just want...
Mmm, mmm, uh.
- All the salt.
- (both laugh)
Mmm, I love... (laughs)
- Mmm.
- (conversation continues indistinctly)
♪♪ What does hoarding
all that joy gain? ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it all around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around. ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
dropping like flies.
Good Lord.
A lot of my friends are dead.
It's like a serial
killer's in town.
Or maybe chemical warfare.
I just can't believe Lorelai
and Hal are both gone.
And Hal hung himself.
- Hanged.
- That's so sad.
Well, he got the diagnosis,
and he just didn't
want to go on.
And Lorelai swore
she would never drive
at night anymore.
Well, you can play
bridge with two people.
Gran, I found this box
with a bunch of
stuff with Post-its.
It's like you've been
preparing to die since 1997.
- Course.
- That's so rude.
It's part of life.
- (iPad beeps)
- Oh, bugger.
Gloria? Oh, goodbye, Gloria.
This is wonderful.
- I like having this.
- Okay.
Now satellite, maps.
MAX: Okay.
- Now type your address here.
- PHYLLIS: Mm-hmm.
- FRANKIE: Boom. Isn't that crazy?
- (Phyllis gasps)
Oh, dear.
That's my home.
Oh, I don't like this at all.
This is a dreadful invasion.
And why is my old car
still in the driveway?
No. No, Nan, this isn't now.
This is a drone shot that
was taken a while back
before Mom made you
get rid of your car.
Made me? That was my choice.
Your mother can't
make me do anything.
Me, either.
Oh, you know what I
really want to see?
The house where you and
Uncle Lester grew up.
MAX: Is that okay,
Nan? Do you want that?
I-It's all right, dear.
I-I'd like to see that.
MAX: Okay.
19 Ainsworth Avenue.
United Kingdom.
Oh, my goodness.
That's my house.
And there's the bus stop
my father used to take
to work every day.
And that's the River Mersey.
We lived on the east
side of the river.
And this is where my
good friend Lilly lived.
Everyone called us Phil and Lil.
And... Yes.
Then there was the gang.
Dorothy Brew,
Valerie Campbell
and Diane Simpson.
I was jealous of Diane
because she was an only child
and got everything she wanted.
And then there was Sheila Corbyn
and her sweet brother Ben.
He fell madly in love
with me, you know.
(Frankie chuckles softly)
- Do you think he's still there?
- I have no idea.
I lost touch with everyone
when I came to America.
Well, let's see if
he's on Facebook.
Is that the cloud?
Absolutely not.
I'm not doing the cloud.
Nan, you're using
the cloud right now.
This is the cloud.
It's actually the perfect place
for your people
to stay in touch.
What kind of people am I?
The Silent Generation.
But regardless, she
doesn't have an account,
so let's just use... mine.
Is that him?
Yes. That's him.
Oh, my goodness.
He's still handsome.
- (Max chuckles)
- Oh, he did make me laugh.
I did like him quite a bit.
But I wanted to
travel, see the world.
No set plan.
Just save my money
and get up and go.
He's single. Friend him.
Oh, he doesn't need to be single
for us to be friends again.
- (Max chuckles)
- Let's send him a message.
Oh, no, stop!
(chuckles softly) I would
never greet him like that.
(scoffs)
"Darling..."
(chuckles): Oh.
- No.
- (all laugh)
No, I couldn't
possibly. Um, um...
"Dearest..."
- FRANKIE: Aw, "dearest."
- MAX: I love that.
- He's so pretty.
- I know, right?
And it's weird, because
I didn't think...
Like, I don't hate her as
much as I thought I would.
Who's pretty? Your teacher?
Mom. This conversation
is private.
(chuckles): Oh. Private. Okay.
I'm sitting right next to you.
Do you want me to just
pretend I'm unconscious?
Yep. Just your friendly
neighborhood Uber driver here.
Not listening.
Which is bullshit.
They always listen.
So, this is the Chapel
of the Holy Cross.
The three of us hiked
all the way to the top.
And then this is the
view of the whole canyon
- and the red rocks. It was sick.
- Whoa, that's beautiful.
- Was it hard?
- Not really.
I mean, my dad was
a little bit slow,
but Marianna kept
up. She's a runner.
(exhales) Okay, Mom,
I didn't tell you
because I thought you would
get your feelings hurt.
Me? Oh, I so don't care, baby.
(chuckles): I have zero feelings
about your dad's
personal dating life.
- Don't care.
- Okay. But, Mom, she's actually, like, kind of cool.
She's a dermatologist.
And she's half Uruguayan.
And she gave me all these, like,
really good skin care products.
Uruguayan. Hmm.
Okay, see? You do care.
Oh, no, I seriously don't.
It's like you told me
some gay guy named Larry
married his boyfriend
in Torrance.
Pepper,
- you got your paperwork to shadow Duke?
- Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Five stars, please, Miss.
You're not funny.
- (car door closes)
- (chuckles) Actually,
people tend to find
me pretty funny.
Please put that phone down
before you walk
into that building!
- Esperanza!
- (school bell rings)
- Hi.
- ESPERANZA: Oh, hi, Sam.
- How are you?
- SAM (chuckles): Hi.
- I'm good.
- How's Max and Frankie?
They're good.
- Toi, toi, toi. They're all big now.
- Aw.
The house feels kind of empty.
- You want to come back? I need a friend.
- (chuckles)
- (Sam chuckles)
- (horn honks)
I'm with this new family now.
I think the boy is a Nazi.
He doesn't like my pupusas.
- (horn honks)
- What?
- H-Here.
- One sec! Who could hate your pupusas?
- Here, you take them.
- (gasps)
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Be honest. Do you miss us?
- (chuckles)
- We're your favorites, right?
- (grunts softly)
- What?
Oh, Danny! Hey.
I was hoping I'd see you here.
DANNY: My friend.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
You come back for tacos nacos.
- With you?
- Bring your kids.
I'll bring six of mine, okay?
- (chuckles)
- Okay.
- You make me smile.
- Oh.
Bye, Danny.
- All right.
- See you later, king.
What? You know Danny Trejo?
- Yes.
- (Esperanza gasps softly)
Sammie, be careful.
He's a married man.
You know he's already
had seven wives.
Oh, what? No. (Chuckling)
- We're not that. No.
- ESPERANZA: No?
No.
That's right.
- No man for Sam.
- Yes, that's right.
- (laughs)
- Down with men.
El stinko. Muy contenta sola.
- (chuckles)
- Ciao.
- Bye, Esperanza.
- ESPERANZA: Adios.
(bag rustling)
- (sniffs) Oh.
- (horn honking)
Sorry! Sorry.
- (engine starts)
- (honking continues)
Okay.
- (dog barks)
- (Sam sighs)
MARION: Hi there, schmuck.
Oh, a briefcase.
- Hello.
- Shut up.
(dog barking)
Uncle Marion's
here to help Mommy.
(scoffing)
Just sign this.
Do this right now.
What is it? (Clears throat)
- Fill it out. You need it.
- (pen thuds)
I don't have a lot of time.
Ooh.
Gold pen. Can I...?
- You're giving that back to me.
- Okay.
Wait, what is this?
- What?
- I'm not checking this box.
"An unmarried woman"?
Am I being filmed?
- (sighs)
- Is this a joke?
I don't joke about money.
It's antiquated, yes. Fine.
It's just how most
forms are still.
Ugh. This makes
me physically ill.
Who am I, Jill Clayburgh?
Was "spinster" not available?
I would prefer "spinster."
Just fill it out.
Oh.
Ooh. (Chuckles)
That's your fiduciary
voice. You're very serious.
It's so fiduciary.
You're doing that right now.
(deep voice): "It's
very fiduciary. Mm."
Do you even know what the
word "fiduciary" means?
Yes.
Boring. Money-related.
- Republican.
- Would you like to know
what my fiduciary advice
is to you right now?
No, not at all.
Good. 'Cause you
wouldn't like it.
Okay. Sorry.
Go ahead. Tell me.
Be annoying.
Your debt-to-income
ratio is a joke.
You're overleveraged
with the two mortgages
and the four dependents.
Not to mention the
mamzer who bled you dry.
Okay. Yes. I know all this.
So what do I do?
You want my advice
moving forward?
Yes.
- Okay.
- No. No.
No. No. No.
Yes.
- All right.
- No.
- Oh, God.
- No. No.
No. (Groans, sighs)
Okay, yes.
- All right.
- No. Actually, no.
Because I don't like
the tone of your face.
And I feel very
accused right now.
So, if you could give
me your advice without
that.
Our mother's 83 years old.
She doesn't need a
three-fucking-bedroom house.
I knew it.
It always comes down
to Phil with you.
You're obsessed.
You got to take the
emotion out of it.
Rent her a small condo.
People do it every day.
It's not a
revolutionary idea, Sam.
Do that and...
"And"? "And"? I get
to do another thing?
Yes.
Sell your house.
You're in the negative
zone right now.
Shrink.
Shrink. Shrink.
Shrink.
- Are you a grown-up?
- Are you a grown-up?
Seriously, are you?
Because grown-ups
don't pretend their
financial issues evaporate
- just by closing their eyes.
- (sighs)
I'm not selling my house, bro.
Why not? Max is gone.
Frankie and Duke
will be gone soon.
Why do you need all this house?
You don't.
It's just you. You're
five-foot-nothing.
You don't need all this.
I love you, sis, but
you're a pain in the ass.
You got all the love growing up
because you're so talented
and charming and entertaining.
But this right here? This
is what I'm talented at.
And I'm sorry if
my talent is boring
and dry.
(voice breaking): And
a little overwhelming.
Aah!
- (crying)
- Bro.
Bro.
This just happens lately.
I'm gonna say this because...
I think you need to
hear it right now.
- Dad would have been proud of you.
- Aw, come on.
(sobbing): That makes it worse.
All right. Come here.
Let go.
- Oh, you stink.
- Let go.
You're the worst.
Let go.
Let go.
All right. Get off
me. That's enough.
I hate you.
You put the "douche"
in "fiduciary."
(sighs) Just sign it, will you?
- I'm not checking that box.
- You don't have to...
You don't have to...
Just sign that.
- (Sam groans)
- (Marion sniffles)
- (pen scribbling)
- (exhales)
You're such an adult.
I'm proud of you.
- (chuckles) Bro.
- Yeah.
- (chuckles) Sucker!
- (groans) Damn it.
- It cost more than your car. Come here!
- I love you!
Are you serious?
What?
Please come in here with me.
I can't. I can't fuck
with antique malls
and all those energies in there.
It's dangerous for
somebody like me.
Okay, Theresa Caputo.
Are you coming in?
Uh... No, thank you.
Be careful of those robots.
They'll get you.
PEPPER: I can't believe they
sell those. Is that legal?
Roald Dahl was a Nazi.
Uh, what should I get my mom?
Do you like any of those?
I don't... I don't know.
Just get her whatever.
She'll like anything.
Are we done?
Can we go now?
- Um, let me pay for this, and we can leave.
- Okay.
♪♪ It's too late for tears ♪♪
♪♪ Honey, it's too late ♪♪
♪♪ Too late to cry ♪♪
- PEPPER: Hi.
- Hi.
♪♪ Oh, but it's too late ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, for begging
me, baby... ♪♪
That's a beauty.
Sandalwood.
- Honey, will you get her the key so she can open it?
- Mm-hmm.
♪♪ Now that you
need me, darling ♪♪
♪♪ How could you walk out? ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, whoa... ♪♪
DUKE: It's so sad.
Everybody who was in these
and took these are all gone,
and now nobody wants them.
WOMAN: Actually,
lots of people do.
Objects have energy.
It's strange,
but, well, our lives become
lovely ephemera.
♪♪ Too late to cry ♪♪
♪♪ But I know you know
that I know that I know ♪♪
♪♪ That it's too late for
wanting me, baby... ♪♪
PEPPER: Hey.
- What's the matter?
- No, it's...
I don't... I don't
feel anything.
My... Can we just go?
Can we just... Can we just go?
Okay.
♪♪ Too late for tears. ♪♪
I guess I'll just get her
a T-shirt at the train
station or something.
No, we can... we
can go to Burbank
and, like, find
her a special gift.
- It's okay.
- No, really, we can...
- We can go.
- Forget it.
We can head back. You're
obviously over it.
Hey. Can you please
put your phone down
- for like five minutes?
- What do you want from me?
I don't mean to be a bitch,
but I used up my break
to spend time with you.
I could have gone on
a trip with my mom.
And instead, I'm staring at you
looking at your phone all day.
And see?
If I say anything,
you just medicate.
And it's boring.
You're boring, Duke.
Yeah. You are.
Just, like, I-I don't...
I don't know what to say.
What do you... Like, what
do you want me to say?
I don't want you
to say anything.
I just want you to
have fun with me.
And be with me. Can you
just be with me, please?
(crying): I don't know.
I just, like...
I don't... I don't
feel anything.
Not even my thing.
Like, not even,
like, my sunshine.
And it's like, like, I don't,
like, I don't feel comfortable
in my own skin. I
just... I hate my face.
I, like, I hate my
body. And it's like...
Like, I, like... Like, I
don't want to leave the house,
and, like, I don't
want to do anything.
And, like, I'm not
good at anything.
Like, I... Like, there's
nothing else I do but that.
And it's like...
Like, I don't... Like, I
don't want to leave the house.
Like, I don't feel connected.
To, like, anything.
And I suck at... My sisters.
My sisters are so
fucking perfect.
And, like, they're good
at everything they do,
and they're so
fucking beautiful.
And then it's just like
I'm, like, next to them
like nothing. I'm nothing.
That's dumb.
You're beautiful.
No. Fuck you. You're beautiful.
- No, I'm a fat shit.
- Shut up.
- It's just that...
- That's okay.
'Cause I love myself.
I'm good with myself.
I want that for you.
Do you remember this
poem you wrote me?
That's what you're good at.
Writing.
Are you staring at my tits?
(chuckles, sniffles)
They're right there. Eye level.
(chuckles)
(peacock honking)
LaMARR: Welcome to the
Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
My name is LaMarr.
My pronouns are he/him.
My pronouns are
fat and trans fat.
- Mom.
- I'm kidding.
I know it's no laughing matter.
My pronouns actually are
- Mr. Dobalina/Mrs. Bob Dobalina.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
- Please continue.
- Thank you.
Today, you will be seeing
the final resting places
of actors, writers,
stuntmen, grips.
Boom operators like
my late father.
- Don't step on the...
- Stepped on the new guy.
- Oh, he's new? Ooh! (Spits)
- FRANKIE: Brand-new.
LaMARR: If you
have any questions,
please feel free to ask.
Are we ready to
begin our journey?
Shall we?
- SAM: Dedication, October 26, 1999.
- FRANKIE: 1999.
SAM: Mama Irene!
- FRANKIE: I love the sunglasses.
- SAM: I love her shoes.
Wedges.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
This is incredible.
He was a rock climber or...?
Look at all these movies.
He was in all these movies.
- Oh, whoa.
- Or he did all these movies.
So he was a... stuntman.
See, that's what I don't get
about the rest of them, though.
I wish they all, like,
said what they did
rather than just, like,
"Here's a person.
Here's when they lived.
- "Here's when they died."
- SAM: I mean,
this is just a
magnificent monument.
Wow.
Beautiful.
Abbondanza!
"A man who is missed
"by anyone that knew him.
"You've left us
a lasting legacy,
"and we miss you
terribly every day.
You will always and forever be
in our hearts and thoughts."
(sniffles)
- (exhales)
- LaMARR: Right here to our right
- is Charles S. Chaplin Jr.
- Oh!
Over the archway, you
can see Iron Eyes Cody,
- one of our finest Italian actors.
- Oh!
And right down here
is Joan Hackett's
shrine of reverence.
- (Sam gasps loudly)
- Take a look.
- Will you shut up?
- Sorry.
I'm excited. Lot of people
that I really admire.
(exhales) Sobering.
FRANKIE: What a legend. I
mean, can you believe the kind
of harassment she
put up with at work?
Who are you talking to?
I went through all
that shit, too.
Wait, where are you going?
- FRANKIE: I want to walk around.
- But the tour.
Okay.
Just slowly...
I love you. (Kisses)
Slip away.
You ever think about, like...
Do you have any
plans, like, maybe
for what you want
to do next year?
Like, actual plans
for the future?
I'm so confused.
What are we talking
about right now?
♪♪ After searching
all my life ♪♪
- ♪♪ I've found a place ♪♪
- (man praying in Hebrew)
♪♪ Where love never dies ♪♪
♪♪ Have you seen
the people there? ♪♪
Amen.
Omain.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you very much.
SAM: I think I really
messed you guys up.
FRANKIE: Mom, I get it.
Make plans for the future.
Think about my life
even though global warming's
gonna kill us all anyway.
I totally understand.
SAM: Where to next?
You want to go to...
Little Thailand or
the gay section?
Grandpa's grave.
Oh.
What?
- Mom, come on.
- (sighs)
- Come on.
- Geez there, then.
I don't feel like it.
FRANKIE: One for
you, one for me.
(exhales, kisses)
(peacock honking)
See? You can see yourself.
Let's go home.
- Do it again.
- (Frankie imitates peacock honk)
(Sam and Frankie laugh)
- Yeah, it's like a... (honks)
- Like a squeaky toy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Please don't attack us.
- (peacock honks)
- (Frankie imitates honk)
(Sam laughs)
- That was nice.
- Mm.
Mom, Jason's they/them.
Oh. What?
They're not he/him.
They're they/them.
Oh.
They are?
Those are their pronouns.
Okay? And I'm not, like, mad
about your dumb jokes
in the circle earlier.
Whatever. I still
have a sense of humor.
And if you mess up in
the future, I get it.
It's a process.
I know it's a lot for
you to understand,
but you should even
though you're old.
(chuckles) All righty, them.
All righty, them. (Chuckles)
That's a good joke.
I... (clears throat)
Sorry. So, um,
Jason's a they/them. Okay.
Not a they/them. Just they/them.
Okay. So there's, like,
more than one of him?
I mean... Sorry. Them?
It's a plural word.
They are a thousand strong.
They are legion.
(chuckles) -It's okay.
There's a learning curve.
SAM: Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm...
What?
Are you
anything in particular
else called thing
that you would like
to tell me about?
No.
Because, uh, I was
just wondering,
if-if one of you guys...
Uh...
I mean... Sorry. People.
Uh, what would I
- supposed to be calling you?
- (engine revving)
Asshole!
Why do you have to
call us anything?
I mean, why-why do things
have to have labels
and be genderized all the time?
What does that even mean?
What are we, all just a bunch
of nouns walking around?
I-I'm-I'm saying, I'm wondering,
I have three daughters.
- What would I... call you?
- Well,
a daughter is a girl.
They'd still be
your child, though.
"My child."
I would have two
daughters and a child.
Like the 1820s.
"My child.
"My child is ill.
My child has typhoid fever."
- (chuckles)
- Pretty much.
So, what would the sisters
call the FKA sister?
Sibling.
(Sam exhales)
I've always been the
mom of three daughters.
Who would I be then?
It's not about you, Mom.
(Sam exhales)
("Mary Moon" by LABRYS playing)
(exhales)
♪♪ Mary, did you
see the moon? ♪♪
♪♪ Mary, did you miss it? ♪♪
♪♪ Mary, did you go outside ♪♪
♪♪ During the eclipse? ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
(iPad chimes)
- (laughing)
♪♪ Ooh... ♪♪
Hey, Uncle Lester.
(sighs)
♪♪ Oh! ♪♪
♪♪ Y'all want it nasty ♪♪
♪♪ Let me get down and dirty ♪♪
♪♪ What's that plan,
suffragette? ♪♪
♪♪ All right, let me
tell you like it is ♪♪
♪♪ Ha ♪♪
♪♪ They say what
goes up come down ♪♪
♪♪ Don't tell me that lie ♪♪
♪♪ I know that it
can change around ♪♪
♪♪ But we've been through it ♪♪
♪♪ Cheating on each other ♪♪
♪♪ Don't paint me no color ♪♪
♪♪ And call me brother ♪♪
♪♪ All right, 'cause you know ♪♪
♪♪ You know I know ♪♪
♪♪ What goes around
come around ♪♪
♪♪ And it stinks when
it come back, baby ♪♪
♪♪ And it gotta be funky, funky,
funk, funk, funk, funk, funk ♪♪
♪♪ All the way
down through it ♪♪
♪♪ Huh? Baby, I got
a message for you ♪♪
♪♪ Hey, man, it seem
like life been ♪♪
♪♪ Somethin' of a
problem to somebody ♪♪
♪♪ Let me get down and dirty ♪♪
♪♪ What's that plan,
suffragette? ♪♪
♪♪ All right, let me
tell you like it is ♪♪
- ♪♪ Ha. ♪♪
- Here's to you.
- (clattering, dogs barking)
- Jesus.
MAX: Hi, babies.
(barking continues)
DEMAREST: Yep, okay.
- (grunting)
- SAM: Hello?
- MAX: Guys...
- Is this your mom?
CAMPBELL: Bro, this is
really heavy. Keep going.
Keep going, guys. Keep
going. Up the stairs.
- Don't stop.
- Okay. Yep.
Whoa, whoa. Oh, no, no, no.
No, you-you need to stop.
- Guys, just keep going up the stairs. Up the stairs.
- No, no. Not up the stairs.
- Don't stop.
- Stop! Stop, stop. I...
No. No, put that down. I
have to protect the art.
- Yeah, bro, you got to protect the art, okay?
- DEMAREST: Here, go in first.
- And freaking help me, okay?
- No, no, no. Stop now.
Set it down right
now on the stairs.
- Put it down on the stairs.
- (overlapping chatter)
- Sit it down right now.
- I'm gonna drop this mattress.
- SAM: Okay.
- Oh!
- Thank...
- Ooh.
(panting)
(dog barking)
(blows raspberry, clears throat)
Hello.
Hi.
Uh, Mrs. Fox...
Oh, no, no, no, bro.
Okay, where do you
want the mattress?
Not my name.
I was gonna call you,
but it's not my fault,
because, like, the U-Haul
changed location last minute
and I-I had to go all the
way to Canoga Park to get it,
and then my phone
died because, like,
I had to use GPS the whole time.
I almost got lost in
freaking Chatsworth.
So...
Okay, so should I assume
that you're moving back home?
Well, I don't have a choice.
I mean, it really sucks.
Like, I loved that apartment.
Okay, so, uh, where do
you want the mattress?
Just upstairs, to the left.
Um, no, actually, that's
not your room anymore.
Your room is Duke's
room, or FKA Duke's room.
- Seriously?
- That's... Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Upstairs to the right.
- (panting)
- SAM: Thank you, boys.
CAMPBELL: Yes, Ms. Fox.
(Campbell and Demarest
grunting, panting)
Hello.
Will you come with me?
It's gonna be fine. Ooh,
look at your fucking tushy
- in these pants.
- (laughing): Mom.
- Mom.
- (clears throat)
This makes me feel
like a failure.
I just, I-I need you to know
I don't want to live here.
Yes. Okay, thank you.
(chuckles): No. No offense.
I just, like, I don't really
have a choice right now.
I won't be here for that long.
For the lady.
- Who is this for?
- For you.
You need it. Take it.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- How is that?
- Mmm.
- Good.
- Yes.
Yes.
- One for Mama.
- Mmm.
- It's good?
- Good.
I want you to
know... that I know.
Know what?
That this feels
like going backward.
But it's not.
This is movement
towards your future.
This is forward movement.
I swear to Frances Farmer.
Thanks.
What do you think about Frankie?
What about Frankie?
I was just wondering
what you think.
They're fine.
♪♪ Can you remember
what it's like... ♪♪
- Mm. What?
- Frankie's good.
Okay.
♪♪ In your sight... ♪♪
Welcome home for a little bit?
Just a little.
♪♪ Spread it around, do... ♪♪
Mmm. I just want...
Mmm, mmm, uh.
- All the salt.
- (both laugh)
Mmm, I love... (laughs)
- Mmm.
- (conversation continues indistinctly)
♪♪ What does hoarding
all that joy gain? ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it all around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around, do ♪♪
♪♪ Spread it around. ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪