Better Things (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Scary Fun - full transcript
That bit.
That's better.
Nasty bit. I don't
like that bit, either.
There we are.
Yes.
Mother, you had me
but I never had you
I, I wanted you
you didn't want me
Hi!
Hi. Oh, you're chipper.
Oh, ew, mom.
Don't smell me.
You're so creepy.
Sorry.
Uh, Harvey's over.
Oh. He is?
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Does he want to stay
for dinner?
I'm making.
Um, I don't know.
Well, he could be out here
helping us with
the groceries, maybe.
- Oh, no, mom. It's fine.
- Don't you think?
No, we got it.
We're strong,
independent women.
Hey, Harvey. Hi.
Something wrong
with your bones?
The way you're
laying there,
I should call
someone, right?
Ha ha! I'm just kidding.
Anyway, you must be
exhausted.
You look
completely exhausted.
- Hey, mom.
- Yeah.
Oh, no. We got these.
That's fine.
Um, so, Harvey, would you
like to stay for dinner?
Uh, yeah, sure.
That would be sweet.
All right. Cool.
Okay, mom, we're going
to go upstairs now.
No, no, no, no, no, baby.
Stay down here.
Oh, no, mom, seriously.
We're just going
to do homework.
No, no, no, no, no. Come
help me with the groceries.
No. It-it's cool.
I'll wait.
You want to help me cook?
Oh, no, mom. We have
a lot of homework.
That's great.
What is that?
Just messing around
with something.
Hey, can I borrow you
for a minute?
Yeah. Sure.
Cool. Step into my office.
Hey, what
are you doing?
- Come on down.
Don't worry about it.
I'm just going
to talk to him.
No, mom, this is...
No, that's kind of weird.
- It's cool.
- No, no, no, mom.
- It's all right, baby.
- Mom, this is really...
Mom?
Whew.
- Mom!
- Have a seat.
- Mom!
- Okay.
Mom! Um, no, no no!
This is so weird!
- Mom, please!
- I don't mean to scare you.
- Mom!
- I'm not scared.
Mom! Mom!
- You know what?
- Mom!
Come down here.
It's quieter.
- Mom! Mom, no!
- It's all right.
I'm not
going to murder you.
Mom!
- Uh...
- Yeah. Go on in there.
It's just
the laundry room. Yeah.
Mom!
Oh. Great.
There you go. You sit.
Okay, Harvey,
you have to understand
that I'm mom, dad,
and the cops around here,
and you seem
like a nice kid,
but the first time
i ever met you,
you lied right to my face.
Wait. What?
Yeah. It was when Max
and Tyler were here
and they asked me
if you could sleep over,
and they said, "it's okay.
Harvey is gay. Ask him."
And I asked you,
and you turned to me
with your adorable face,
and you said,
"yeah, I'm totally gay."
Yeah, they told me
to say those things, so...
Okay. That's even worse.
So be that as it may,
you lied right to my face
straight out of the gate.
Wait, uh, do you want me
to be gay?
I... I don't...
I don't get it.
I don't care what you are.
Gay guys can sleep in my
daughter's room naked,
but straight guys
and liars don't get to.
My daughter
has never had, like,
a kind of relationship
with a guy before thing,
so I would suggest
that you guys just work
on the friendship, okay?
You can come over.
I'll cook for you.
You guys could
do homework.
It may help her focus.
It may help you.
Another little thing.
I don't want you to smoke
or drink around my daughter.
I don't want you
to smoke or drink period,
but if you do,
i want you to lie to my
daughter that you don't.
And one last thing.
That should go nowhere
near my daughter.
Okay?
Do we understand
each other?
Let's hug it out. Okay?
Come here.
Good job. You did good.
That wasn't so scary.
Okay!
Honey, you can't.
What? What can't?
You can't point
at a 15-year-old
boy's dick.
I just pointed.
I don't want
his 15-year-old dick
pointing at my
15-year-old daughter.
That was the point
of that point.
Oh, my god.
You sequestered a minor
in a room forcibly
and pointed at his penis.
Do you know how close
to jail you are?
Oh. Well, sorry.
Not really sorry.
Three people told me
that loved my skirt today,
and I told them
I'm a thrift shop addict.
Anyway, just so you know,
I went to see
my hand doctor today...
Or actually,
was it yesterday?
And he gave me a shot,
and it helped a lot.
So obviously
I'm not allergic to it.
Did I tell you this
already?
Phyl, you should
go home now.
I know. I eat so slowly,
it drives her crazy.
- This is delicious.
- It sure was.
And you know what, dear?
I will come and sit with you.
Ah. So are you getting Sam
some more work lately?
- Because I read this book...
and there was
a project... oh. Sorry.
- Time for me to go.
- Hmm.
This was delicious.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
I'm so lucky.
Okay. I'll clean.
Thank you very much.
Glad you liked it.
I did like it.
Can I have some candy now?
I think you can.
Darling,
oh, you've got
such beautiful skin.
Let me see your teeth.
Did your mommy make
your dentist appointment?
- Did you?
- Phyl.
- I know.
- Night-night.
- Night-night.
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra-ra-boom-Dee-ay.
- Bye.
Can I have some?
Yeah.
You guys can have,
like, one more piece.
Ohh.
Can Rory have...
- Mm-hmm.
- Kit-Kat?
Yeah, there's no nuts.
"Two is the beginning
of the end."
Mama, no offense,
but you're kind of
mean to gran.
Oh. Honey, you're going
to be mean to me, too.
Your sisters already are.
In fact, I need you to be
mean to me when I'm old
so I don't feel so bad
about how mean I am
to your grandmother now.
Was gran mean to her mom?
I don't think so.
I think I started it.
"Of course they lived at 14.
Until Wendy came,
her mother was the chief one."
don't you think?
It might be...
Oh! What the hell!
Oh, my god, mom.
You freaked.
That's not funny.
A person could get injured,
and they could sue you.
Nan, mom's not going to sue me.
It's just a coat.
I sued my mother.
Mom.
Goodbye.
- Ooh.
- Are you okay?
You know, she keeps doing
that to me on purpose.
Okay, this shit is on now!
I'm going to get her back.
Ho-ho! Yes.
Mama, what are you
going to do?
Mom, I'm scared.
No, baby.
Don't you be scared.
I'm only playing.
Mom and Frankie are in a game.
We're going to scare
each other.
Oh, can I be in it?
Can I help scare her?
Sure.
But not too scary,
though, right?
Well, I really want
to scare her, though.
But I don't want it
to be too scary.
Well, then maybe you could
just let mama do it.
But I want to be in it.
Okay, let's not worry
about it right now.
Just go get your stuff
together.
Wait. Why?
Because you're going
to pepper's house.
Remember?
What?
You're sleeping over.
You're going to paint
her room.
Oh, shit, I forgot.
Duke.
I'm sorry, mama.
I didn't mean to say that.
- I don't know...
- My baby.
Your first swear.
I wish uncle modie was here
- because he would tickle you!
- Oh, no!
- He would tickle you!
- Oh, no!
And he would wash
your mouth out with soap!
Okay. I am about to scare
the shit out of you, Frankie.
Frankie, baby,
remember you told me
to tell you
if I ever saw a big coyote?
There's a huge one outside.
Get your phone.
Frankie.
Whoo. Boo!
Oh, my god, mom.
That so didn't
scare me at all.
Was there even really
a coyote out there?
No.
Mom, you're so lame.
Turn the lights on.
Okay, fine.
I'll turn the lights on.
Look. The power's out.
Okay, mom? don't.
I know
what you're doing.
What?
Try the switch yourself.
Here.
You're doing this
because I said you're
not fun anymore.
Really?
- I don't even remember that!
- Oh!
Aah! Aah!
- You...
- Yeah!
No! No! No!
I can scare you!
- Yeah!
- You didn't.
You're gonna pay!
You're gonna pay!
- Oh!
- Oof!
- No!
- Yes!
And she's down!
No!
Yes! Yes! Ha!
Ow!
Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!
T.O. T.O., t.O., t.O.
T.O. Frankie, t.O.
Ow, ow, ow!
T.O. T.O. I hurt my foot.
I hurt my foot,
seriously. Get off.
Frankie, get off!
You're so dramatic.
I'm not dramatic.
Oh. That was fun.
It was really fun.
I'm sorry. I need ice.
- I need ice.
- Whatever, mom.
We can't ever have any fun.
That was fun.
I said it.
We were having fun.
Uhh!
Yeah. Hey, if it was Duke,
you wouldn't
even bat an eyelash.
That's disgusting.
And Max gets away
with everything.
That's not true.
Today sucked.
I... hate Jordan and missy.
I'm so over it. And I don't
even want to be saying this,
but miss giovanetti threw me
out of the classroom today.
I was one minute late,
and she made me leave
and stand in the hallway.
Baby, that sounds really hard,
and I'll write to your teacher,
but I need ice.
Whatever, mom.
Thanks for caring.
Nobody ever
gives a shit about me
and what happens to me.
How many feet
are there in a fathom?
What type of animal
was inside sputnik 2
when launched into orbit
in 1957?
- Hi, Jackie.
- Hi, Jackie.
Just to warn you,
it's trivia night.
I know. Frankie's teacher
told me to meet her here.
I'm excited.
So you're going
to team up with him?
Um, I didn't know
it was a team thing,
but, uh, I guess.
This is just like
a vodka pineapple...
Try some. It'll put
hair on your chest.
See, I don't need
any more of those.
Hi. Are we interrupting
something?
- We won't wait up.
- I know.
- It's insane.
All I'm saying
is that Mr. fields
is an adorable,
very married "i wouldn't
want to do anything with him,
but I want to all the time"
kind of way.
I just love him, and I'm
always looking for an excuse
to, like,
have a meeting with him.
Yeah. Those "paper chase"
jackets he wears...
Elbow patches, corduroy...
I swoon.
I know.
I knew I loved you.
I love you. Oh, my god.
I can't believe it.
I wasn't going to come here.
I'm so glad. I mean,
this is really fun.
Sam, I have to tell you
that Frankie
is incredible.
- Really?
- Oh, my god, Sam.
I've been teaching
for years,
and you just go
from year to year,
and the kids kind of
blend together.
But your Frankie...
Sam...
- Tell me.
- I feel so connected to her.
She amazes me
every day...
The way she writes,
the way she thinks.
She's seriously gifted,
very, very gifted.
I know. I know it.
But to hear you say it?
And you know I have three,
and she just gets buried...
Absolutely, absolutely.
Sam, I know
that you know me
as just an art teacher
at...
No, no, no, no, no.
We sistas now.
Oh, my god. Really?
Yeah. You're Frankie's
school mom.
Ah, Sam! You're making me
so effing happy.
But seriously, though,
trieste,
this is making me so happy
because
Frankie really needs...
It's true.
She's amazing,
and I just wish
that I had all day
to guide her.
Yeah, Frankie
does need specific
and special attention,
and I want to give
that to her.
Jesus. What a relief.
You know, public school
was just not good for her.
- Not good.
- Mm-mm.
She just...
She got left high and dry,
and I'm a piece of shit.
You know, my contract is up
at the end of the year.
Oh. What?
Yeah.
You mean the school year?
No, this calendar year
after xmas.
What? Why?
You know,
i was just thinking
I can really be there
for Frankie
after I leave school.
I could be
her private tutor,
really shape
her education,
because I think
she needs that.
Oh. Yeah. Would that
be part of...
I just feel so close
to you and to Frankie,
and I just want to help.
I want to help you, Sam.
I also have always wanted
to do something in the
entertainment industry,
and I could maybe be,
like,
be your assistant.
Something.
And Frankie told me
you have an extra room.
This could be such
a win-win for all of us.
Also, I love to cook,
and I know
you love to cook.
I love to eat, too, so...
Homework before
anything else.
I know.
What are those?
Ooh.
They're all for nan.
What?
That's what they say.
Hang on. Hang on.
I want to ask you something
before you go inside.
It's about your teacher
trieste.
What? What?
Trieste
is kind of a psycho.
Uh, stalkery, I mean.
No offense,
just she's a freakhole.
Huh.
What about her?
- Nothing.
- Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
What?
Can you take these
to nan's?
Why can't you?
Come on, man.
Mom.
Did you have packages
delivered to my house
on purpose?
Because that's not cool.
Nan?
I mean, there's, like,
a shit-ton of boxes...
Oh, my god. Mom!
Mom? Mom.
Mo... n... mom.
Phyl?
Phyl!
I got you!
Look at her face.
She's so mad.
She's so mad
because I got her
and she can't scare me.
Never has been able to.
Nan, you're crazy.
I'm not, dear one.
I'm staying sharp,
that's all,
just staying sharp.
Now come with me
because I want you
to choose a watch
and I've got so many,
and I want you
to have one.
- Thank you, nan.
That's very nice.
Oh, I know exactly
which one I want.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, because I like
the one with the velvet.
- Do you?
- Mm, sort of, but i...
- The velvet strap.
This looks really good.
You should wear this
every day, I think.
Mom,
i need a broom.
What for? You're being Elvis.
No, I'm changing it,
so I need a broom.
You're changing
your costume again?
Mama, I want
to change mine.
No way.
You're my Cher.
Mom,
where's a broom?
What are you being, a witch?
No, I'm going to be
a useless housewife
from the '50s.
Ha! I love that!
Mama, do we need
to go to the guy
next door again?
Last year he gave us
the dental kind of candy.
Oh, he's an asshole.
He's a shit.
My baby,
all grown-up
potty mouth.
Mom, what are you
talking about?
Well, can you believe
she says "shit" now?
Mom, she's been
saying that for years,
just not around you.
- Serious?
- Yeah, she says everything.
No.
Hey, Max, hurry up!
We're leaving soon!
I'll go get her.
You guys finish getting ready.
I'm going to get you a broom.
You're a shit.
Honey...
What?
Uhh, is it Harvey?
What?
Oh, god, what a dick.
Baby.
I'm such a loser!
No. Harvey is a loser.
I'm telling you,
i know losers,
and I could smell the loser
on him from a mile away, honey.
No, it hurts, mom!
And I really like him.
And-and everybody knows.
And he's making fun of me
with everybody!
Oh, shit.
Honey, I'm really sorry.
Do you want to go
trick-or-treating
with me and your sisters?
No. That's stupid.
Baby, I get it. I get it.
That would have picked you up
a few years ago,
but I just... I don't know
what to say. I'm sorry.
I used to have really good
mommy toolbox for you,
and now you're a real person,
and your heart is broken,
and I wish I had
an easy thing for that,
but nobody does, baby.
I'm so sorry. I'm...
I'm really sorry.
I've been a total
bitch lately.
That's okay.
I can take it.
That I can do for you.
What's going on?
Get out!
What happened?
Frankie, can you please
take Duke trick-or-treating?
You're not coming?
No. I'm going to stay
home with Max.
You guys go.
I'm staying home, too.
Honey, we both
can't stay.
Somebody
has to take Duke.
I don't care about candy.
Can we stay home
and watch scary movies?
You want to?
Yeah.
You want us
to stay home with you
and watch scary movies
while you cry
about this stupid boy?
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, mom, by the way,
have you talked
to trieste lately?
What?
Well, I mean,
i don't know.
Just you brought her up
the other day.
Um, what the hell... wait.
What?
Did you tell her
that she could live with us
and be your permanent
tutor and person?
Yes.
Why on the planet
would you tell somebody
something like that?
Mom, mom, I told her
to pretend to be a stalker.
Did I get you or what?
Oh, my god.
What, mom?
- You little shit fink.
- Hey! No!
- I can't believe you!
- Get off! Hey!
I completely believed her.
Yeah because
she's a great actress.
I think I got her fired.
Ohh!
- Aah!
What the hell!
Hey! Ow!
- Don't hurt the angel!
She's sad right now.
Ow!
She's sad right now.
- Happier than me!
- Ow!
Evil's in my pocket
and your will is in my hand
oh, your will
is in my hand
and I'll throw it
in the current
that I stand upon so still
love is all
from what I've heard
but my heart's
learned to kill
oh, mine has
learned to kill
oh, I said I could rise
from the harness
of our goals
here come the tears.
So embarrassing!
Shut up!
I'm coming!
That's better.
Nasty bit. I don't
like that bit, either.
There we are.
Yes.
Mother, you had me
but I never had you
I, I wanted you
you didn't want me
Hi!
Hi. Oh, you're chipper.
Oh, ew, mom.
Don't smell me.
You're so creepy.
Sorry.
Uh, Harvey's over.
Oh. He is?
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Does he want to stay
for dinner?
I'm making.
Um, I don't know.
Well, he could be out here
helping us with
the groceries, maybe.
- Oh, no, mom. It's fine.
- Don't you think?
No, we got it.
We're strong,
independent women.
Hey, Harvey. Hi.
Something wrong
with your bones?
The way you're
laying there,
I should call
someone, right?
Ha ha! I'm just kidding.
Anyway, you must be
exhausted.
You look
completely exhausted.
- Hey, mom.
- Yeah.
Oh, no. We got these.
That's fine.
Um, so, Harvey, would you
like to stay for dinner?
Uh, yeah, sure.
That would be sweet.
All right. Cool.
Okay, mom, we're going
to go upstairs now.
No, no, no, no, no, baby.
Stay down here.
Oh, no, mom, seriously.
We're just going
to do homework.
No, no, no, no, no. Come
help me with the groceries.
No. It-it's cool.
I'll wait.
You want to help me cook?
Oh, no, mom. We have
a lot of homework.
That's great.
What is that?
Just messing around
with something.
Hey, can I borrow you
for a minute?
Yeah. Sure.
Cool. Step into my office.
Hey, what
are you doing?
- Come on down.
Don't worry about it.
I'm just going
to talk to him.
No, mom, this is...
No, that's kind of weird.
- It's cool.
- No, no, no, mom.
- It's all right, baby.
- Mom, this is really...
Mom?
Whew.
- Mom!
- Have a seat.
- Mom!
- Okay.
Mom! Um, no, no no!
This is so weird!
- Mom, please!
- I don't mean to scare you.
- Mom!
- I'm not scared.
Mom! Mom!
- You know what?
- Mom!
Come down here.
It's quieter.
- Mom! Mom, no!
- It's all right.
I'm not
going to murder you.
Mom!
- Uh...
- Yeah. Go on in there.
It's just
the laundry room. Yeah.
Mom!
Oh. Great.
There you go. You sit.
Okay, Harvey,
you have to understand
that I'm mom, dad,
and the cops around here,
and you seem
like a nice kid,
but the first time
i ever met you,
you lied right to my face.
Wait. What?
Yeah. It was when Max
and Tyler were here
and they asked me
if you could sleep over,
and they said, "it's okay.
Harvey is gay. Ask him."
And I asked you,
and you turned to me
with your adorable face,
and you said,
"yeah, I'm totally gay."
Yeah, they told me
to say those things, so...
Okay. That's even worse.
So be that as it may,
you lied right to my face
straight out of the gate.
Wait, uh, do you want me
to be gay?
I... I don't...
I don't get it.
I don't care what you are.
Gay guys can sleep in my
daughter's room naked,
but straight guys
and liars don't get to.
My daughter
has never had, like,
a kind of relationship
with a guy before thing,
so I would suggest
that you guys just work
on the friendship, okay?
You can come over.
I'll cook for you.
You guys could
do homework.
It may help her focus.
It may help you.
Another little thing.
I don't want you to smoke
or drink around my daughter.
I don't want you
to smoke or drink period,
but if you do,
i want you to lie to my
daughter that you don't.
And one last thing.
That should go nowhere
near my daughter.
Okay?
Do we understand
each other?
Let's hug it out. Okay?
Come here.
Good job. You did good.
That wasn't so scary.
Okay!
Honey, you can't.
What? What can't?
You can't point
at a 15-year-old
boy's dick.
I just pointed.
I don't want
his 15-year-old dick
pointing at my
15-year-old daughter.
That was the point
of that point.
Oh, my god.
You sequestered a minor
in a room forcibly
and pointed at his penis.
Do you know how close
to jail you are?
Oh. Well, sorry.
Not really sorry.
Three people told me
that loved my skirt today,
and I told them
I'm a thrift shop addict.
Anyway, just so you know,
I went to see
my hand doctor today...
Or actually,
was it yesterday?
And he gave me a shot,
and it helped a lot.
So obviously
I'm not allergic to it.
Did I tell you this
already?
Phyl, you should
go home now.
I know. I eat so slowly,
it drives her crazy.
- This is delicious.
- It sure was.
And you know what, dear?
I will come and sit with you.
Ah. So are you getting Sam
some more work lately?
- Because I read this book...
and there was
a project... oh. Sorry.
- Time for me to go.
- Hmm.
This was delicious.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
I'm so lucky.
Okay. I'll clean.
Thank you very much.
Glad you liked it.
I did like it.
Can I have some candy now?
I think you can.
Darling,
oh, you've got
such beautiful skin.
Let me see your teeth.
Did your mommy make
your dentist appointment?
- Did you?
- Phyl.
- I know.
- Night-night.
- Night-night.
- Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra-ra-boom-Dee-ay.
- Bye.
Can I have some?
Yeah.
You guys can have,
like, one more piece.
Ohh.
Can Rory have...
- Mm-hmm.
- Kit-Kat?
Yeah, there's no nuts.
"Two is the beginning
of the end."
Mama, no offense,
but you're kind of
mean to gran.
Oh. Honey, you're going
to be mean to me, too.
Your sisters already are.
In fact, I need you to be
mean to me when I'm old
so I don't feel so bad
about how mean I am
to your grandmother now.
Was gran mean to her mom?
I don't think so.
I think I started it.
"Of course they lived at 14.
Until Wendy came,
her mother was the chief one."
don't you think?
It might be...
Oh! What the hell!
Oh, my god, mom.
You freaked.
That's not funny.
A person could get injured,
and they could sue you.
Nan, mom's not going to sue me.
It's just a coat.
I sued my mother.
Mom.
Goodbye.
- Ooh.
- Are you okay?
You know, she keeps doing
that to me on purpose.
Okay, this shit is on now!
I'm going to get her back.
Ho-ho! Yes.
Mama, what are you
going to do?
Mom, I'm scared.
No, baby.
Don't you be scared.
I'm only playing.
Mom and Frankie are in a game.
We're going to scare
each other.
Oh, can I be in it?
Can I help scare her?
Sure.
But not too scary,
though, right?
Well, I really want
to scare her, though.
But I don't want it
to be too scary.
Well, then maybe you could
just let mama do it.
But I want to be in it.
Okay, let's not worry
about it right now.
Just go get your stuff
together.
Wait. Why?
Because you're going
to pepper's house.
Remember?
What?
You're sleeping over.
You're going to paint
her room.
Oh, shit, I forgot.
Duke.
I'm sorry, mama.
I didn't mean to say that.
- I don't know...
- My baby.
Your first swear.
I wish uncle modie was here
- because he would tickle you!
- Oh, no!
- He would tickle you!
- Oh, no!
And he would wash
your mouth out with soap!
Okay. I am about to scare
the shit out of you, Frankie.
Frankie, baby,
remember you told me
to tell you
if I ever saw a big coyote?
There's a huge one outside.
Get your phone.
Frankie.
Whoo. Boo!
Oh, my god, mom.
That so didn't
scare me at all.
Was there even really
a coyote out there?
No.
Mom, you're so lame.
Turn the lights on.
Okay, fine.
I'll turn the lights on.
Look. The power's out.
Okay, mom? don't.
I know
what you're doing.
What?
Try the switch yourself.
Here.
You're doing this
because I said you're
not fun anymore.
Really?
- I don't even remember that!
- Oh!
Aah! Aah!
- You...
- Yeah!
No! No! No!
I can scare you!
- Yeah!
- You didn't.
You're gonna pay!
You're gonna pay!
- Oh!
- Oof!
- No!
- Yes!
And she's down!
No!
Yes! Yes! Ha!
Ow!
Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!
T.O. T.O., t.O., t.O.
T.O. Frankie, t.O.
Ow, ow, ow!
T.O. T.O. I hurt my foot.
I hurt my foot,
seriously. Get off.
Frankie, get off!
You're so dramatic.
I'm not dramatic.
Oh. That was fun.
It was really fun.
I'm sorry. I need ice.
- I need ice.
- Whatever, mom.
We can't ever have any fun.
That was fun.
I said it.
We were having fun.
Uhh!
Yeah. Hey, if it was Duke,
you wouldn't
even bat an eyelash.
That's disgusting.
And Max gets away
with everything.
That's not true.
Today sucked.
I... hate Jordan and missy.
I'm so over it. And I don't
even want to be saying this,
but miss giovanetti threw me
out of the classroom today.
I was one minute late,
and she made me leave
and stand in the hallway.
Baby, that sounds really hard,
and I'll write to your teacher,
but I need ice.
Whatever, mom.
Thanks for caring.
Nobody ever
gives a shit about me
and what happens to me.
How many feet
are there in a fathom?
What type of animal
was inside sputnik 2
when launched into orbit
in 1957?
- Hi, Jackie.
- Hi, Jackie.
Just to warn you,
it's trivia night.
I know. Frankie's teacher
told me to meet her here.
I'm excited.
So you're going
to team up with him?
Um, I didn't know
it was a team thing,
but, uh, I guess.
This is just like
a vodka pineapple...
Try some. It'll put
hair on your chest.
See, I don't need
any more of those.
Hi. Are we interrupting
something?
- We won't wait up.
- I know.
- It's insane.
All I'm saying
is that Mr. fields
is an adorable,
very married "i wouldn't
want to do anything with him,
but I want to all the time"
kind of way.
I just love him, and I'm
always looking for an excuse
to, like,
have a meeting with him.
Yeah. Those "paper chase"
jackets he wears...
Elbow patches, corduroy...
I swoon.
I know.
I knew I loved you.
I love you. Oh, my god.
I can't believe it.
I wasn't going to come here.
I'm so glad. I mean,
this is really fun.
Sam, I have to tell you
that Frankie
is incredible.
- Really?
- Oh, my god, Sam.
I've been teaching
for years,
and you just go
from year to year,
and the kids kind of
blend together.
But your Frankie...
Sam...
- Tell me.
- I feel so connected to her.
She amazes me
every day...
The way she writes,
the way she thinks.
She's seriously gifted,
very, very gifted.
I know. I know it.
But to hear you say it?
And you know I have three,
and she just gets buried...
Absolutely, absolutely.
Sam, I know
that you know me
as just an art teacher
at...
No, no, no, no, no.
We sistas now.
Oh, my god. Really?
Yeah. You're Frankie's
school mom.
Ah, Sam! You're making me
so effing happy.
But seriously, though,
trieste,
this is making me so happy
because
Frankie really needs...
It's true.
She's amazing,
and I just wish
that I had all day
to guide her.
Yeah, Frankie
does need specific
and special attention,
and I want to give
that to her.
Jesus. What a relief.
You know, public school
was just not good for her.
- Not good.
- Mm-mm.
She just...
She got left high and dry,
and I'm a piece of shit.
You know, my contract is up
at the end of the year.
Oh. What?
Yeah.
You mean the school year?
No, this calendar year
after xmas.
What? Why?
You know,
i was just thinking
I can really be there
for Frankie
after I leave school.
I could be
her private tutor,
really shape
her education,
because I think
she needs that.
Oh. Yeah. Would that
be part of...
I just feel so close
to you and to Frankie,
and I just want to help.
I want to help you, Sam.
I also have always wanted
to do something in the
entertainment industry,
and I could maybe be,
like,
be your assistant.
Something.
And Frankie told me
you have an extra room.
This could be such
a win-win for all of us.
Also, I love to cook,
and I know
you love to cook.
I love to eat, too, so...
Homework before
anything else.
I know.
What are those?
Ooh.
They're all for nan.
What?
That's what they say.
Hang on. Hang on.
I want to ask you something
before you go inside.
It's about your teacher
trieste.
What? What?
Trieste
is kind of a psycho.
Uh, stalkery, I mean.
No offense,
just she's a freakhole.
Huh.
What about her?
- Nothing.
- Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
What?
Can you take these
to nan's?
Why can't you?
Come on, man.
Mom.
Did you have packages
delivered to my house
on purpose?
Because that's not cool.
Nan?
I mean, there's, like,
a shit-ton of boxes...
Oh, my god. Mom!
Mom? Mom.
Mo... n... mom.
Phyl?
Phyl!
I got you!
Look at her face.
She's so mad.
She's so mad
because I got her
and she can't scare me.
Never has been able to.
Nan, you're crazy.
I'm not, dear one.
I'm staying sharp,
that's all,
just staying sharp.
Now come with me
because I want you
to choose a watch
and I've got so many,
and I want you
to have one.
- Thank you, nan.
That's very nice.
Oh, I know exactly
which one I want.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, because I like
the one with the velvet.
- Do you?
- Mm, sort of, but i...
- The velvet strap.
This looks really good.
You should wear this
every day, I think.
Mom,
i need a broom.
What for? You're being Elvis.
No, I'm changing it,
so I need a broom.
You're changing
your costume again?
Mama, I want
to change mine.
No way.
You're my Cher.
Mom,
where's a broom?
What are you being, a witch?
No, I'm going to be
a useless housewife
from the '50s.
Ha! I love that!
Mama, do we need
to go to the guy
next door again?
Last year he gave us
the dental kind of candy.
Oh, he's an asshole.
He's a shit.
My baby,
all grown-up
potty mouth.
Mom, what are you
talking about?
Well, can you believe
she says "shit" now?
Mom, she's been
saying that for years,
just not around you.
- Serious?
- Yeah, she says everything.
No.
Hey, Max, hurry up!
We're leaving soon!
I'll go get her.
You guys finish getting ready.
I'm going to get you a broom.
You're a shit.
Honey...
What?
Uhh, is it Harvey?
What?
Oh, god, what a dick.
Baby.
I'm such a loser!
No. Harvey is a loser.
I'm telling you,
i know losers,
and I could smell the loser
on him from a mile away, honey.
No, it hurts, mom!
And I really like him.
And-and everybody knows.
And he's making fun of me
with everybody!
Oh, shit.
Honey, I'm really sorry.
Do you want to go
trick-or-treating
with me and your sisters?
No. That's stupid.
Baby, I get it. I get it.
That would have picked you up
a few years ago,
but I just... I don't know
what to say. I'm sorry.
I used to have really good
mommy toolbox for you,
and now you're a real person,
and your heart is broken,
and I wish I had
an easy thing for that,
but nobody does, baby.
I'm so sorry. I'm...
I'm really sorry.
I've been a total
bitch lately.
That's okay.
I can take it.
That I can do for you.
What's going on?
Get out!
What happened?
Frankie, can you please
take Duke trick-or-treating?
You're not coming?
No. I'm going to stay
home with Max.
You guys go.
I'm staying home, too.
Honey, we both
can't stay.
Somebody
has to take Duke.
I don't care about candy.
Can we stay home
and watch scary movies?
You want to?
Yeah.
You want us
to stay home with you
and watch scary movies
while you cry
about this stupid boy?
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, mom, by the way,
have you talked
to trieste lately?
What?
Well, I mean,
i don't know.
Just you brought her up
the other day.
Um, what the hell... wait.
What?
Did you tell her
that she could live with us
and be your permanent
tutor and person?
Yes.
Why on the planet
would you tell somebody
something like that?
Mom, mom, I told her
to pretend to be a stalker.
Did I get you or what?
Oh, my god.
What, mom?
- You little shit fink.
- Hey! No!
- I can't believe you!
- Get off! Hey!
I completely believed her.
Yeah because
she's a great actress.
I think I got her fired.
Ohh!
- Aah!
What the hell!
Hey! Ow!
- Don't hurt the angel!
She's sad right now.
Ow!
She's sad right now.
- Happier than me!
- Ow!
Evil's in my pocket
and your will is in my hand
oh, your will
is in my hand
and I'll throw it
in the current
that I stand upon so still
love is all
from what I've heard
but my heart's
learned to kill
oh, mine has
learned to kill
oh, I said I could rise
from the harness
of our goals
here come the tears.
So embarrassing!
Shut up!
I'm coming!