Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 2, Episode 7 - Change We Can't Believe In - full transcript

Ted struggles with an overly talkative security guard who worships him and wants to be his best friend. Meanwhile, a terrified Phil and Lem face the prospect of working alone with Veronica for the first time.

Did it explode?

Oh, my God. There's flagella everywhere.

What have we done?

Uh, I took the back stairs.
Are there spiders in my hair?

- I am five seconds away from a total freak out.
- Relax, Ted.

If you had been bitten by
one of the back-stair spiders,

you'd be flopping on the floor,

deep in the throes of spider
madness. Your hair is so perfect.

Man, I want to be you. What? Nothing.

Boom. And all clear.

So did you go the
back way to avoid Ryan,



the chatty security guard?

No. I'm trying to create a
spider sanctuary in my hair,

maybe get some of that
sweet government money

to fund my head.

Sarcasm... the first
sign of spider madness.

Yes, I am trying to avoid Ryan.
Every time I walk by the guy,

he sucks me into a
15-minute conversation.

You do that eight times
a day, it adds up to...

Well, time I could be
working on my math skills.

Ryan was a very friendly guy,

which was exactly the problem.

- Hey, Teddy. Notice anything different about me?
- Nope.

I got a haircut. Want to see a penis?

What? What the hell's wrong with you?



Oh, I see what you thought there.

No, no, you know my wife's preg.

Take a look at this
ultrasound picture of my son.

Sitting at his desk all day,
Ryan had a lot of time...

To think about things,
really stupid things.

Hey, Ted. You went to college.
Who you think would win

in a fight between
Santa Claus and a shark?

Shark.

Wrong. Hey, while I got you here,

how are we ever gonna solve
this middle east thing?

He once sucked me into
a 20-minute conversation

about the colonization of mars.

- Spoiler alert... he's for it.
- I don't want to insult the guy.

If only there were a nice way to say,

"you're killing me, you
energy-sucking time-gobbler."

You're avoiding a difficult situation.

For the first time,
I feel like you and I

may be part of the
same species. Anyway...

Veronica wants us upstairs
to talk about a project.

Shall we slip out the back?

We're not going past the spiders.

- Unless you let us both sit on your shoulders.
- And then run.

- And then we go out the front.
- Fine. We'll go past Ryan.

But no matter what, we keep walking.

If one of us gets caught,
the others don't come back.

Unless it's me. Come back for me.

Hey, hey. It's my three favorite people.

Don't engage. Keep going. Keep going.

- So my mom's back in the hospital.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Ryan. Damn it.

- Leave him.
- Yeah.

They just cannot find
the head of that parasite.

Parasite? Damn it.

A half-hour later, we
were finally upstairs.

I didn't tell Phil and Lem

they were gonna be
working alone with Veronica

because they find her
a little intimidating.

- Have a good meeting.
- What? Where are you going?

I'm not on this one. I have
quarterly budget reports.

- You guys will be fine.
- But... no, stop. Ted?

Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted?

This is the first time
the guys are working

with Veronica without me.

It might take a little getting used to.

Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted?

She's staring at us...

with her eyes.

Oh, you guys. You're making me feel bad.

Come on. Get away from the door.

Get away from the door.

What's up, Veronica?

Okay, first of all, you
know you're holding hands?

Oh.

Will that be all?

No. The company finally realized

the P.A. System in this
building needs to be fixed.

It makes everything
sound like that janitor

that got trapped inside the wall.

"Let me out. I'm not a ghost."

We do have a lot of fun here.

The P.A. Has been causing
problems for years.

That's weird.

The bird passed out.

Wake up, you stupid bird.

Luckily the effects were temporary.

After a week of vomiting,

everyone, even the
bird, was back at work.

But from then on, no
one took any chances.

Every time they heard the P.A.,

they ran for the emergency exits.

It's the P.A.!

Run or we'll all die!

The constant evacuations are
costing the company money.

Plus, nobody knew it was fajita day,

and that hurt a lot of
feelings in the cafeteria.

That explains all those
sad people in sombreros,

which is traditionally the
happiest hat in the world.

Well, next to the fez.

I think it goes like this...
sombrero, fez, ten-gallon...

I would like to unsubscribe from
whatever you're doing right now.

You two need to design
a new P.A. system,

one that can actually
transmit human voice.

It needs to be wireless

so executives can broadcast
from anywhere in the building.

I suppose we could use the
20 terahertz oscillator.

But doesn't that burn throu flesh?

- Not always.
- How about we use the 10 terahertz oscillator?

10? Yeah. Why don't we
just hop on a winged unicorn

and fly off to magic land?

Bunsen, beaker, focus.

This thing you do, with the science

and the yammering and the unicorns?

That doesn't work for me.

Well, that's part of our
process to come up with...

sorry, from now on when
you present ideas to me,

only one of you is allowed to talk.

But that's not how we work.

- Exactly. That's now how we work.
- Not.

- Now.
- Not.

Now.

- Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
- Not?

Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.

We should go.

So I'm thinking about asking
security to reassign Ryan.

Does that make me a bad person?

Before you answer
that... I just sponsored

a political prisoner
for Amnesty International

and rescued a dog from the freeway.

His name was Sparky. I don't know
the dog's name. He didn't have a tag.

I don't see what your problem is.

Ryan is just a nice guy who
wants to get to know people.

And as my mom says, "getting to know
people is the best way to get to know them.

Is this the same woman who
says, "you eat what you eat"?

Oh. Look, there's Mr. Krebs.

He walks by two or three times a day.

He's dull as toast but
always wants to talk.

Look how I deal with it,
or as my mom would say,

"watch what you watch
and see what you see."

Hi, Linda. How are you today?

I'm great, Mr. Krebs. Hey,
did you ever figure out

- what's making that noise in your car?
- Oh, no. For me, new cars are like women.

They start making noise,

- I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do.
- But there both fun

- to take out for a spin once in
a while, right? - Uh-oh. Look out.

Nice to talk to you, Mr. Krebs.

See? You should just accept
people for who they are, Ted,

and embrace them.

I can't stand who Phil and Lem are,

- so I'm changing them.
- I can't believe you two.

Ted's annoyed by Ryan. You
don't like how Phil and Lem act.

You both have to be more tolerant.

Which would really help me right now,

- because I'm sure I just crossed a line.
- Maybe Linda's right.

Maybe she did just cross a line.

And she's also right
about your Ryan problem.

Don't be a wuss, Ted.

If someone'sothering you, change them.

- No, I didn't say any of that.
- The version of Linda you heard in your head is right.

I shouldn't be avoiding
this. I should do something.

Good job, Linda. We brought him around.

- Look what we can do when we work together.
- That's not what I...

I heard what you said,
but it bothered me,

so I changed it like you suggested.

Friendship... it's so important.

But it's different at work.

Time spent with friends at work

robs your employer of productivity,

and robbing people is wrong.

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Hey, it's Ted. You know
a thing or two about feet.

How thick should a
toenail be? Specifically...

Whoa. We're not doing that.

Uh, listen, Ryan, I...I need
to talk to you about something.

Anything you want, Teddy.
I love our conversations.

Sitting down here gets so boring.

Chatting with you is
the best part of my day.

All right. Show me your damn feet.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Look...

I need you to dial down
how much you talk to me.

I mean, I like you Ryan.

- It's just, this is a place of business, not a hair salon.
- Really? You think I talk too much?

Well, I don't know about
generally, but to me?

- Oh, my God, yes.
- Wow. That's kinda hard to hear.

Hi, honey. You ready to go to lunch?

I guess so.

Uh, Ted, this is my wife Sarah.

Oh, my God. The Ted? Ryan's
told me so much about you.

You've been such a great friend...

all the talks you've had
about his mom and my pregnancy.

Oh, did you show him your toe, honey?

- Does he know what that thing is?
- Ted's an important man. He doesn't have time for my toe.

Oh, I'm...I'm not that important.

Oh, I'm getting a phone call.

My phone's vibrating. It's on vibrate.

Hello.

Wow, that is a big problem that
requires my immediate attention.

I'll be right up.

Yeah, my phone's broken.

It rings even though it's on vibrate...

And I'm on the phone with you.

It was nice to meet you.

All right, I'm not gonna sit
through another dog and pony show,

so which one of you is
going to speak, dog or pony?
All right, I'm not gonna sit
through another dog and pony show,

so which one of you is
going to speak, dog or pony?

- Well, Phil and I were hoping...
- Pony it is. Go.

Right. So... The P.A. System...

Put your hands down.

We're installing new
speakers on every floor.

Now for an executive
to access the system

from anywhere in the building,
they'll wear two control pins...

one for the mike and one for the volume.

Attached like so...

The pins create the perfect
acoustic triangulation.

You twist this one
to activate the system

and this one to control the volume.

And what if those two little
knobs were attached to a woman?

Do you see how that could be a problem?

Oh!

All right. You face the wall.
You tell me this can be fixed.

Not a problem.

But we'll need more aluminum.

Titanium.

That's it. We're done.

And next time you present,

only one of you is allowed in my office.

- Now face each other.
- Why?

This is not a good look for us.

Maybe it'll look less
weird if I carry you.

Nope.

So did you hear the
latest office gossip?

Ryan the security guard quit his job

because you're a giant douche-mobile.

That's right, you're a douche on wheels

or perhaps a decorative sculpture

hanging above a baby douche's crib.

- The gossip didn't specify.
- Wait, Ryan quit his job?

He stormed out of here yesterday.

Of course, he stopped to
tell everyone he passed

what was going on, so his
storming took most of the day.

- He was actually the last one out of the building.
- Oh, God. I feel awful.

I... I didn't mean to hurt the guy.
I just wanted to change him a little.

Well, maybe I can change things back.

- I gotta go find him.
- Well, if you want to get there fast...

Yes, I'll take the douche-mobile.

Why do I have to be the one to present
this stupid P.A. system to Veronica?

Because I did the talking last time,

so it's your turn in the saddle, cowboy.

Get on that horse and...

I don't know any more cowboy things.

Wait. Beans.

- But I've never presented to Veronica by myself.
- I know.

Together we're a thing
of beauty, like a swan.

But on my own, I'll be like half a swan.

All I'll do is make a big mess and die.

Gentlemen.

Man we don't know.

Whoever you are, you're not
supposed to be down here.

We have a lot of top-secret stuff

that no one's supposed to see.

- Okay, we'll show you one thing.
- Each.

No, no, I'm not here
to look at anything.

I'm just taking a roundabout
route to avoid someone.

Is it Ryan? He's gone.

Moseyed on outta here.
Another cowboy thing.

I have more than I thought.

- Peg leg.
- No, that's not one.

No, no, no, it's some needy blonde

who talks my ear off every
time I walk by her cubicle.

She's obsessed with my
car and my wife. Who cares?

They're both small, boring and Japanese.

You know what might brighten your day?

A peek at the smallest
squirrel science can make.

But we're going to have to
ask you to wear a face mask.

He's crazy easy to inhale.

Oh, Ted.

What are you doing here?

Did my husband's talking bother
you all the way across town?

Okay, that's fair. Um,
actually I came to apologize,

get him to come back to work,
maybe have a look at that toe.

I don't know the problem,
but I stopped by a pharmacy.

- I bought everything that had a foot on the label.
- Is that Ted?

Let him in, 'cause I got
me things I want to say.

Hey, Ryan.

Shut up. You talk too much, Ted.

How does that feel? 'Cause I don't care.

You're in my house now, and I
can talk about whatever I want,

like my heart and how you broke it.

- I thought we were friends.
- Hey, we are friends.

Why else would I come here

and bring you this bag
of stuff for that... whoa.

Nothing in this bag is gonna hthat.

Look, I know what I said
yesterday was insensitive.

I really want you to come back to work.

And you can talk as much as you want

or 20% less 30%... it's up to you.

40%, 50%, whatever.

It means a lot that you would come here.

Okay, I'll come back.

And I know sometimes I talk too much.

I'm sorry. But don't
give up on me, friend.

Hey, I am not giving up on you.

- My water just broke.
- Well, I should get out of your way.

Oh, God. It's happening. Oh
man. I drank too much to drive.

Ted, can you take us and film the birth

and help us name him and cut the cord?

Yes. Maybe. Benjamin.
And a big no the cord.

You can present to Veronica.

You're brave. You're strong.

Who opened that jelly
jar this morning, huh?

Who kicked that jar's ass?

You did, you rugged son of a bitch.

- So hey.
- Hey.

You're kinda freakin' everyone
out. How you doing in there?

I'm okay. Well, not great. Pretty bad.

I just lied to myself
about opening a jelly jar,

which is worrisome.

You're gonna be fine.

I used to be afraid of Veronica, too,

because she's scary and dangerous,

and rumor has it,

she once walled up a janitor
in her office, but you're...

Hey, why is Mr. Krebs taking
the stairs? He's got a bad leg.
she once walled up a janitor
in her office, but you're...

Hey, why is Mr. Krebs taking
the stairs? He's got a bad leg.

He said he's trying

to avoid some needy
blonde in the cubical area.

So back to me and how
I'm going to be fine.

Wait, was krebs talking about me?

I'm not needy. He's the one who's needy.

Hey, krebs?

I'm not fine yet.

You made me worse, and
I was already so bad.

Are you avoiding me?

- Clearly that's impossible.
- I can't believe you called me needy.

- You're the one who's needy.
- You're the one

who stops me to talk every
time I pass your desk.

I don't make small talk with you.

You make small talk with me

- because it brightens your damn day.
- No, it doesn't.

- Yes, it does.
- It's my day. I think I know.

Hey, look, Buddy. I'm not
the Ryan in this relationship.

You're the Ryan. You talk my ear off,

but I put up with it because I
accept who you are... the Ryan.

You know what? I just
won't be friendly anymore.

Fine. Whatever keeps you quiet.

No, I will be friendly
because that's who I am,

- and I love that about me.
- I don't care.

- I just won't be friendly to you.
- Good!

- You're mean.
- You're tedious.

- You're rude.
- You're bland.

- You're old.
- Are you as turned on as I am right now?

- No. What? Ew! No. What's happening?
- You're not feeling this...

is heat that's finally
happening between us?

No. Barf.

You're a horrible man.

And I'm a friendly person

who never wants to talk to you again.

Oh. Stop by my desk on your way out.

I made some of those butter
cookies your wife likes.

Oh.

Unfortunately me and
my new best friend Ryan

never made it to the hospital.

That's it. Push, S... Sarah.

Just keep going. There you go.

I don't even let my
daughter eat in this car.

We have combined the P.A. microphone

and the volume knob into
one convenient nipple.

I'm sorry. Nipple.

I'm sorry.

You're just a shivering
chihuahua, aren't you?

Actually, this is going
better than I had expected.

I can't get this pin on.
God, this is frustrating.

Maybe we should have some
juice. That always calms me down.

- Here, you do it.
- Me?

No, the microphone attaching
elf who lives in my drawer.

Talking about drawer elves

isn't going to make this any less Scary.

I'm sorry. My hands are very sweaty.

And I've never been this
close to your neck before,

which is the perfect flesh
pedestal for your head.

God, I'd kill a man for
some juice right now.

And I'd like to unhinge my jaw
and swallow you like a mouse,

but we both have to
work with what we have.

- Come on. Hurry up. Careful. Don't stick me with it.
- I've almost got it.

Aah! I'm bleeding.

Get out! Get out now!

I guess it works.

Yes, it's a huge improvement
over the old system,

which made everybody panic
and run out of the building.

You're so critical.

No wonder I'm afraid
to be alone with you.

I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing,

like, "you're so critical.

No wonder I'm afraid
to be alone with you."

Wait. Am I dreaming?

No, Phil, you're not.

Crap.

I am Veronica, queen of Veridian.

The gorilla habitat will
be closing in 15 minutes.

I need a price check on peas.

And now it's time for
all the young people

to come to the dance floor.

Hello, Ted.

Hello, crazy lady talking
to an empty building.

Where is everybody?

If corporate calls, I'm
going with "it's Saturday."

Well, I've had an eventful day.

Turns out, I should not have
tried to change Ryan, but I did.

Now my car looks like someone
made wine in the backseat.

And trying to change Phil and Lem

was even more irritating
than just leaving them alone.

I scared everyon out of the building

and I got stabbed in the neck.

Although I did get to watch Phil run.

He was like an ostrich in a lab coat

trying to catch a bus.

And I saw the beautiful
miracle of birth...

And the less-beautiful
expulsion of afterbirth.

Maybe my kindergarten teacher was right.

- Maybe I am too controlling.
- Ah, probably.

But I am certainly not
gonna try to change you.

Thank you.

It's lonely always knowing what's best.

I know, right?

Well, we've got each other.

And that reminds me of apecial song

from a simpler time.

* They say our love won't pay the rent ?

Not doing it.

* Before it's earned,
our money's all been spent

Not doing it.

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