Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 2, Episode 4 - It's Nothing Business, It's Just Personal - full transcript

Ted gets in trouble with Veronica when he provides relationship advice to her new lover, and Phil and Lem compete over a new red lab coat that has mysteriously surfaced in Lem's locker.

I like the people I work
with, but I've always believed

it's important to
keep your personal life

separate from your
work life. Otherwise...

So did you have sex with
that girl last night?

Gee, that's totally your business.

- But I'm trying to keep my personal life
- much more accessible to all of us?

- That's good because thats what makes work interesting.
- I think work makes work interesting.

Oh, God. No wonder she
wouldn't have sex with you.

That... that wasn't...

I was the one...

- We both felt...
- You shoulda shown her that flustered thing.

It woulda totally sealed it.

No, I... I wasn't... yeah, that.

Good morning, Lem.


What's with the red lab coat?

I don't know.

When I went to my locker this morning,

instead of a freshly
laundered white lab coat,

which is what's been in
my locker every morning

for the last 11 years, there was this.

Are all our lab coats red?

No. Mine is still white.

Okay. I am not angry. I just
need to know what's happening.

I don't know.

Well, change doesn't always
have to be bad, right?

Remember when I stopped
doing that finger gun thing?

Everyone liked that.

Oh, my God. It's true.

It's even redder than I imagined.

And I imagined it quite red.

What does it mean?

- We don't know.
- You're lying!

I'm sorry. It's the coat.

Its differentness is
making me say things.

That's it. We need answers.

I've spent my entire
life trying to blend in.

When I shaved off my fu manchu,
I thought I was there. Now this?

I miss that fu manchu.

Talk about pizzazz.

So the testing results
were inconclusive.

Usually that's what people
say when something tests badly,

and this is a good example of that.

Turns out developing
cheese that never spoils

is harder than we thought.

Right now, it's more of
a cheddar-colored fabric

that does spoil.

So we need you to talk to Chet

and get him to push the deadline.

Are you purring?

Or growling?

Oh, man. Are you gonna start
growling now when you're mad?

Because that's gonna
be hard to adjust to.



What? What is so damn important?

Uh, you fell asleep.

Well, maybe you two are boring.
Did you ever think of that?

Veronica has a very high-powered job.

To blow off steam, she recently started

a new, very exciting relationship

with an extremely passionate
man with huge appetites

named Mordor.

He's also a world-class magician.



Unfortunately, this new relationship

has made Veronica a
little distracted at work.


You know you're spreading
cream cheese on your iPhone?


Then where's my bagel?

The relationship is very intense.

This weekend, Mordor and
I are going scuba diving.

Last weekend, we raced
cars in the desert

and ate a rattlesnake...

And a go that wandered into our camp

and then a light salad.

But mostly, we have sex...
hours and hours of it.

Last weekend, I helped my daughter

build a house of Legos.

I know I've been a
little distracted lately,

but I'll be fine.

I'm just living an
exciting and full life...

burning the candle at both ends,

the way my great-grandfather,
a misunderstood candle maker,

insisted candles should be burned.

Whenever I have sex, I have
to be alert the next day

so I don't make mistakes.

I have to be alert during
sex so I don't make mistakes.

- Basically, I always have to be alert.
- Is it possible to make mistakes during sex,

for a woman to make mistakes during sex?

I'm on a very tight
deadline with this, Ted.

I need Veronica to focus.
You know her boyfriend.

You should tell him to dial it down

- so Veronica can do her job.
- Well, let's see. Would a guy welcome another guy

telling him to have less
sex with his girlfriend?

Yeah. That a normal thing
guys tell each other to do.

So you think it's
okay for a relationship

to be completely on the man's terms?

- God, you'd be hard to go out with.
- H... I am fantastic to go out with.

I... I'm thoughtful as a man can be

while still pillaging like
a viking in the bedroom.

But I am not getting involved
in Veronica's personal life.

So my boss gets to have all
the sex-fun of a relationship

while all the stress of being exhausted

trickles down to me?
Man, capitalism blows.

We have a problem.

- What's with the red lab coat?
- Exactly.

The company wants me to wear it.
- Why?

- Exactly.
- I called the laundry people.

They said it was assigned to
me, but they don't know why.

- The laundry people useless.
- Well, they do do laundry.

You love the laundry people.

You take their side in everything.

First of all, I do
love the laundry people.

Secondly, I'll look into the coat.

In the meantime, maybe
it's not a bad thing.

Maybe the company is singling you
out because you did something good.

Maybe it's an honor.

I did finish the super-fast
spy pigeon project

- ahead of schedule. - I worked on
the super-fast spy pigeon project.

I'm the one that made it wireless.

Before me, it could only spy
on people right next to it.

- Why didn't I get a red lab coat?
- I did more work than you.

I was late one day because
my wife was choking.

It's not fair!

I'm penalized because my
wife eats breakfast fast.

- She's hungry in the morning.
- He's here.

- Oh, thank God.
- Who?

- I don't care. It gets me out of this.
- Mordor. Veronica's boyfriend.

He says he's surprising her
and taking her to lunch and sex.

The man is relentless and very candid.

Wow. Can you imagine
how great it would be

to just take Veronica out
in the middle of the day

and have lunch with her?

You should try to aim
higher with your fantasies.

Veronica is supposed to
meet with Chet this afternoon

and get us that extension.

What if she comes back
exhausted and purring?

You're right.

All right. I'll go talk to Mordor.

The man lives a life of excess.

Maybe I can sell him on
the exciting adventure

of having less sex with his
incredibly hot girlfriend.

I may phrase it differently.

Hey, Mordor.

Hey, Ted.

Um, I need to talk to you

- about something that's a little awkward.
- You have a crush on me.

- What? No. What?
- Men often do, Ted. I find it's best to just get it out there.

No, no. Th... this is about Veronica.

See, she has a very high-pressure job.

And she does it with 100% focus.

Oh, she's the same in bed
or when dismembering a goat.

Right. So you and the
other animals have seen it.

The thing is,

lately, she hasn't been
getting enough sleep...

Because she's with you...

Doing things, things that are fun,

but, you know, tire a gal out.

Whoa. Wh...

A... are you suggesting

that sometimes when I'm with Veronica,

- I should... just let her go to sleep?
- Exactly.

And then have sex with her?

I'm gonna start again.

It would be good if you
had less sex with Veronica.

The end.

Hey. What did you say to Mordor?

I did not tell him to
have sex with Veronica

while she's sleeping.

- Why? What did he do?
- I walked into the supply closet,

and he was in there with
Ashley from accounting,

and they were not looking for supplies

unless she uses her ya-ha
to store office supplies

and uses his Yang-doodle
to look for things.

- That's what my mom calls it.
- All I said was maybe he should

dial it down a little bit with Veronica.

Well, he must have taken that
as a green light to fool around,

because was going at
that accounting chick

- like he wanted sparks to come out.
- Well, gee. Maybe it was a mistake

to get involved in
Veronica's personal life.

Oh, don't be that guy
who points fingers.

No one likes a pointer.

Even in the dog world,
they're seen as insufferable.

- Veronica needs to know what's going on.
- Oh, no, no, no. She doesn't need to know.

No one needs to know.

In fact, you should forget.
And I... I will, too.

- Forget what? - I don't even remember. - It's
happening in the office. She's gonna find out.

Better from you than from office gossip.

Me? You mean the... the person
who didn't want to get involved

- in this in the first place?
- I can't believe you're still bringing that up.

You've really got a stick up
your boodle-doodle about that.


We need to talk.


What? Oh, Ted.

I was having the best
dream about Mordor.

He makes me so happy.

I feel free and untethered,

like a spy pigeon without a wire.

So what's up?

The red lab coat.

- The guys were wondering what it means.
- Well, you can't tell them,

but it has no meaning whatsoever.

- It was given out randomly.
- Why?

The company commissioned a study
which showed that any change

in the work environment
increases productivity.

- Any change, it doesn't matter what.
- That's crazy.

Giving one person a different lab coat

can't possibly make
everybody work harder.

- I am so going to win that coat tomorrow.
- Oh, no, you're not,

because I'm working faster
and more efficiently than ever.

So the painted stripe
that appeared suddenly

- in the hallway last week?
- You mean two days before quarterly reports were due,

all of which were turned in early?

And the drinking fountain

that just stopped working for no reason?

That was broken, Ted. God,
you people are paranoid.

No wonder the company has
to secretly manipulate you.

So... is there anything else?


- Mordor is having an affair with somebody in the office.
- What?

Someone walked in on
them in the supply room,

and I thought I should
tell you, Veronica.

I'm sorry. But why?
Why would he do this?

It's not like he's not
getting enough from me.

Well, who knows why people
do what they do, you know?

The important thing
is not to blame anyone

or look for answers, really.

Some things just shouldn't be probed.

There's an unfortunate choice of words.

I rambled on like that for ten minutes,

somehow using the words

"thrust," "prod," "rigid" and "impale."

All comforting terms.

Well, it's good she knows about Mordor.

If it were me, I'd want
to know. Is she okay?

I think so. They haven't
been together that long,

and she's pretty tough.

So I'm guessing they're gonna be okay.

Hey, scuba girl. You ready to go?

You shot me!

I'm sorry. It was an accident.

Although... who's Ashley?

I don't know what happened.

I was packing up the
speargun, and it just went off.

- So it was an accident.
- Of course it was an accident.

Although, the man was cheating on me,

and my subconscious is very protective,

and sometimes, kind of a douche.

- I'm so angry, Ted.
- You have every right to be.

- I'm angry at you.
- You have no right to be.

Why did you tell me
Mordor was cheating on me?

I... I thought you'd want to know.

Linda would want to know.

Well, of course I'd want to know,

but not when there's a speargun

sitting 3 feet away from me
and my douchey subconscious.

- What were you thinking?
- Ms. Palmer?

- Yes.
- He's out of surgery, and 'll fine.

However, we could not save the spear.

Old joke.

I use it with all the family
of loved ones who survive.

Don't anymore.

Now I have to break up with him,

which is gonna be that much harder

since I just shot him.

Look what you made me do.

Sorry I'm late.

I'm trying to get my wife
to eat slower in the morning.

It's a project.

- What happened to your red lab coat?
- Wasn't in my locker this morning.

I don't get it. You
worked so hard yesterday.

But then, so did I.

Oh. Now I'm sad again.

Morning, ladies.

Notice anything redder about me?

I am literally shaking
with jealousy. Get out!

I don't want the coat to
see me like this. No, wait.

Let me touch it. No, no.


Your call.


I've been thinking about
how I behaved last night,

and I've realized, it wasn't your fault

that Mordor somehow got himself sh.

And so I'd like to apologize.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm just glad you're rid of him.

Um, that guy was a
self-absorbed dill-hole.

- Ted...
- "Ooh, I'm Mordor. I think all men are in love with me."

I mean, seriously, what a doofus.

We made up.

Oh, good,

'cause now I can stop
pretending I don't like him.

He had an affair, and I shot him.

So we decided to call it even.

Plus, I found out why he did it.

Apparently somebody
suggested that he ease up

- on our relationship.
- Well, I didn't mean for him to...

It was you?

What was me?

My God, Ted.

You don't tell a man like
Mordor to be less passionate.

It's like telling Gandhi to be less...

- Whatever he was... thin.
- You weren't getting your job done.

You... you were falling asleep
at work with your eyes open.

What... what if they dried out?

They would've lost their luster.

I was worried about your luster.

I don't need you or anyone
else interfering in my life.

You're responsible for my boyfriend
screwing around. You're the one who shot him.

In my mind.

And then you call him a dill-hole

right to his face.

- No, I...
- In my mind.

I think you and I need a
little distance from each other.

That's a good idea.
I'll go to my office.

Actually, I was thinking
a little more distance.

And so Veronica sent me down
to the ridiculously tiny office.



Hi, Ted.


Hi, Ted.


This is not as bad as I imagined.

It makes your chair and desk
look gigantic, which is cool.

Plus, it would be impossible
to lose anything in here.

No, it's all great.
So what's up, fellas?

'Cause I'm pretty busy
getting into my chair.

We're... unhappy about something.

Is this about the coat?

I worked my ass off
yesterday to get that thing.

I can't tell you
exactly what's going on.

I'm in enough trouble as it is with
Veronica. But the coat may not be

something you want to
work extra hard to get.

Yeah, but it's... it's so beautiful.

Only because you think it means
something, which it may not.

I think I know what's going on.

- We're confused.
- That's exactly what's happening.

Oh, Ted.

I can't believe you trashed
Veronica's boyfriend.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Linda.

You never trash the boyfriend.
What if they get back together?

I don't care anymore. I'm out.

I am done getting in the middle
of Veronica's relationship.

Because believe it or not,

there's an office smaller than this,
and you have to share it with someone.

Well, you should be out, because clearly
you don't know anything about relationships.

I don't know anything
about relationships?

It... what... it's because of
your relationship geniusness

- that I'm stuck in Polly pocket's house.
- We should go.

- We want to go.
- Thanks to me? I never told you

- to tell Veronica that her boyfriend sucks.
- I wouldn't have kept talking about her sucky boyfriend

- if you hadn't kept bringing him up.
- I had to bring it up, because you think

relationships are all
about what the guy wants.

And by the way, genius,

Polly pockets doesn't live in a house.

- She lives in a clamshell!
- I know where she lives.

Oh, really? Because
I think you know less

about Polly pockets than
you do about relationships.

That's better.

So if the coat's not a reward
for doing something good,

then that must mean... it's a
punishment for doing something bad.

It's like a Scarlet
letter. Only it's worse,

because it covers the
whole body in shame.

- So why'd the company give it to me?
- You did break

the dieoxolater defibulation
splung manifold last week,

- and that sucka is expensive.
- If only I hadn't tried to protect my eyes when it burst,

I might have been able to save it.

Stupid reflexes.

The next morning,

I checked in with Veronica
to see if I could come back.

Good morning, sunshine.

Not yet.

And in the lab...


It was in my locker this morning.

I worked so hard yesterday
to avoid this exact thing.

All we can do is buckle down

and push ourselves even harder.

I hope Veronica forgives me soon,

because I really like doing this...

Which I totally took for granted before.

What the hell?

Ted, wh... I... I thought you
were working out of the basement.

- Well, I'm getting some papers. What are you doing?
- Well, well, this is, um...


Thank you. See, I figured it out.

I hurt Veronica by fooling around,

but then she hurt me
back with a speargun,

and that reset the relationship.

So I can fool around again
as long as I'm willing

to let Veronica hurt
me again, which I am,

'cause I like promiscuous sex
far more than I dislike pain.

You know, I didn't want to get involved

in Veronica's personal life,

but now I'm glad I did,
because you don't deserve her.

She is smart and... and
beautiful and confident...

Wildly fun in bed...

Yeah, I've been there.
She is the whole package.

And you're just a jerk.

And, yes, a mammoth dill-hole.

All right, Ted. Let's go.

You started this whole thing,

and now you insult me
in front of Tiffany.

- Let's get this over with.
- I'm not gonna fight you, you loon.

Loon? Could a loon do this?


I think a loon would do exactly that.

It's called

It's an ancient Peruvian martial art

involving forceful
and repeated slapping.

I'm not gonna fight you.

Okay, wait. Yes, I'll fight you.

Ouch! What the hell?

It's like you have a hundred fingers.

God, Tiffany, go get help!

It's why Peru was never conquered.

Didn't the Spanish conquer Peru?

Yes, but then they left quickly.

In fact,

means "leave, or we'll
start with the slapping."

Did Mordor tell you this?
'Cause it's not on Google.

Maybe that was also a lie.

Oh, I'm through with him, Ted.

Listen, I'm sorry about everything.

Ted, you stood up for me.

No one's ever done that before.

Thank you.

Maybe it's impossible to
keep your personal life

completely separate from work,

especially when you care about
the people you work with...

And they care about you.

Is he all right?

He's great.

I can't believe he fought
to defend your honor.

- That is so...
- Hot?

- Actually, yeah.
- It kind of is.

And I told him he didn't know
anything about relationships.

He may not, but he'd
sure be good in one.

What have I done?!

And since I do care about
the people I work with,

I decided to end their suffering.

Since any change helps productivity,

why not make it a positive change

and do something people
can feel good about?

What does it mean?

Maybe we've been asking
too many questions.

Maybe this is the company's equivalent

of sending a dead fish.