Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Lawyer, the Lemur and the Little Listener - full transcript

When you work for a company

as demanding as Veridian Dynamics,

it's important to make time
to have a personal life.

She seemed nice.

That was Nadine.

Oh, good. So you know each other.

Yeah, she's one of
the company's lawyers.

Sorry for not introducing you.

Your tongue was kinda busy,

all up inside her mouth.

She's amazing.



It's just that we both
work such long hours,

it's hard to find time to go out.

So we usually meet in her office,

where she has a door that closes

and a closet where we
can hang our clothes

so we're crisp and fresh
after we've soiled each other.

The only time I've ever
been naked in this building

remember when those super lice
got out and tried to colonize me?

This is more fun than that.

Hey there, bloopity-bloo.

- Oopity-bo? - It's a nickname
I came up with for you,

- right off the top of my head.
- So what made you get high before work this morning?

I'm high on life, Ted.

You know how I've been trying
to write children's books?



- I just sold one.
- Really? Well, congratulations.

I sent a chapter

to a bunch of publishers,
and one of them bought it.

I may have a whole new
career entertaining children

instead of working for a place that
uses them to assemble munitions.

Boy, who's gonna judge
us when you're gone?

No, but really, that... that's great.

So is this the story

with the little forest
creature who looks like Phil?

He's a lemur. And he doesn't
look anything like Phil.

Their markings are completely different.

Hey, guys.

Ooh, bananas! I love bananas.

Oh, God.

I stuck a tail on Phil
and put him in a tree.

He's gonna hate that.

Oh, go talk to him. Maybe he'll like it.

But if he shows his teeth,
I'd get the hell outta there.

Oh.

We all need a life outside of work.

Mine is compressed into one perfect,

conveniently sized bundle.

Daddy!

Hey, come here. Oh.
How's your day, sweetie?

Awesome. Cammy threw up,

and then Aaron Oberlander
slipped in it, and then...

Grace T. hit Grace H.,

and then Grace S. put
gum in Grace T's hair.

And then there were
crying Graces everywhere...

What's great about having
Rose in after-care at work

is we see more of each other.

The downside is, I hear
a lot of boring stories

- about the children of my coworkers.
- And then grace told me that Billy's dad is getting fired.

His name is Larry Pancake.

Honey, there's nobody at the company

named Larry Pancake or
anybody else named after food.

What about Taco Tony in the cafeteria?

Well, that was just a nickname,

and we don't call him that anymore.

When he moved to the salad
bar, it just sounded racist.

The company has started
another round of downsizing.

There's blood on the
cheap, industrial carpets.

Some guy in Pete's R&D department

just got laid off.

Really? His name wasn't
Larry Pancake, was it?

That's racist, Ted.

Legal says we can't make fun
of people's names anymore,

even if it's hilarious.

The guy's name was Larry Pancow.

Larry Pancow?

Yesterday in after-care, Rose heard

that someone named Larry
Pancake was gonna lose his job.

She knew? How could she
have known ahead of time

- something that confidential?
- One of the kids was talking about it.

If Rose could tell us
who's about to be laid off,

we could save their jobs.

Being fired around here is not pretty.

Veronica did have a point.

When H.R. decides it wants
somebody terminated...

We're go on Larry Pancow.

The extraction team swings into action,

descending on the unwitting
employee before he or she

can remove any sensitive information

worth millions to our competitors.

Larry Pancow.

When they lay people
off in my department

it makes me look weak, like
my people are expendable.

Come on, Ted. You're a people person.

Th Rose's help, we could save people.

Isn't that the kind of
thing you "people" people do?

Okay.

There are a lot of good peop here,

and I'd like to save their jobs.

We can have one conversation with Rose.

Gently.

Fine.

Let's get her up here, crack
her open like a lobster claw

and scoop out her sweet
white meat of information.

- Gently.
- I know you don't like to eat children,

but it's that kind of talk

and your cottage in
the woods made of cCandy

that keeps those rumors alive.

My paycheck is a little light this week.

- Is yours?
- I never open it before I give it to my wife.

She doesn't like me
snooping into our finances.

Hey, guys.

- I sold one of my children's books. Yay.
- Congratulations.

That's great.

And the coolest part
is, it has a character

that doesn't look like
anyone you've ever seen.

Don't you agree?

And wouldn't it be fun to
sign a release to that effect?

Oh, my God. It's me.

- It's not you, you egomaniac.
- I love it.

Okay, it's you. See, lem? I told
you I'd look good with a tail.

Not as good as I'd look with antlers.

Of course, I'd have to
cut the top off my car,

- but it would be totally worth it, even in a rain.
- You better make sure

- the company doesn't find out about your book.
-Yeah, our employment contracts

say that anything we create

automatically belongs to Veridian.

But I thought that just
meant, like, science-y stuff.

Anything we create... science,

literature, poetry, a mournful ballad.

Even a hearty fish chowder I
brought to a company picnic.

Verian sold the recipe to the F.A.A.

Now they use it to spray down a tarmac

when a plane's coming
in for a hard landing.

I was gonna work on it while I was here

because I'm under a
really tight deadline,

but I can't risk the company
taking it away from me.

What am I gonna do?

You guys are thinking about
antlers and tails, aren't you?

Why do animals get all the best
stuff attached to their bodies?

I would love to have a blowhole.

So tasha threw hamster poo at Molly,

and she started crying because
some of it got on her grapes.

And grapes are Molly's
ninth favorite fruit,

after peaches... pears... mangoes...

Oh, my God, your life is trivial.

How do you stand it?

Veronica, we're being gentle, remember?

Less Hulk, more Bruce Banner.

Come on, kid. How did you know about

- Larry Pancake getting fired?
- Grace Hutchens told me.

Grace Hutchens? That must
be Bert Hutchens' kid.

Well, that makes sense. Bert
is head of human resources.

She must have overhead
something at home.

What else did Grace say?

Is anyone else losing their jobs?

- I don't remember.
- You don't or you won't?

Veronica. Honey, if you
don't remember something,

that's perfectly okay.

I think grace said somebody named...

Paul is also getting fired.

Was it Paul Spielman?
Think, honey! Think!

Or Veronica will

inappropriately pressure you again.

Pretty sure it was Paul Spielman.

Oh, my God. Not Paul Spielman.

- You have no idea who Paul Spielman is.
- Not even a little.

He's one of our
department's best engineers.

And they're just gonna
throw him out on the street

with no consideration for how
weak that's gonna make me look?

Paul might not like it either,

- you know, 'cause he's got four kids.
- Fine, I'm insensitive. I can live with that.

But we have to save Paul's job.

Not wanting the company
to know about her book,

Linda decided working
on it at the office

would be too risky.

- Where are you going?
- Bathroom.

- With all your stuff?
- I meant my bathroom at home.

I don't feel well.

So I need to go home for a few days

and use the bathroom.

- Yeah, that hangs together.
- No, it doesn't.

If I had more time, I'd bat
you around like a cat toy.

But I have to save some guy's job.

So do whatever you want,
because I don't care.

Now that hangs together.

- Veronica.
- Ugh! There are employees everywhere.

It's like I'm walking
through spiderwebs.

Do you know why my paycheck
is a little light this week?

That's the code for the
company's legal services.

Apparently you spent four hours

- with one of our attorneys last week.
- Well, I've been seeing Nadine Webson,

but we haven't been
doing anything legal.

Wait. Let me rephrase that.

All attorneys hours have
to be billed somewhere.

The company doesn't care
if you're estate planning

or drilling her like an oil well.

If you're spending time with a
Veridian lawyer, you have to pay for it.

But that's reducing my relationship

- with this beautiful, intelligent woman to...
- $300 an hour.

I'm sorry to barge in, Nadine.

But I just heard the strangest thing.

Apparently the company charges
me whenever we're together.

Which means every time
I have sex with you,

- I have to pay for it.
- Oh, my God. That's outrageous.

I... I know. It's so...

Naughty?

Okay. Naughty.

But... but... but
doesn't it also seem...

Extremely naughty?

Purr.

Mm.

You argue cases with that mouth?

Mm-hmm. Oh!

Armed with information about Spielman,

Veronica and I went into
action to save his job.

The sky hammer missile system
is the ultimate stealth weapon,

featuring our patented
hush-a-boom technology.

Hush-a-boom... when your
army wants to get in and out

without waking the neighbors.

Fantastic.

War just keeps getting better.

Thank you, but we
really should give credit

to our engineer... Steven Spielberg.

- Paul Spielman.
- Paul Spielman.

We shouldn't even
call it the sky hammer.

We should call it the Spielman.

Because that's the man's name.

Spielman, huh?

Why don't you stop that
thing we were talking about?

That's a no-go on Spielman.

I repeat... no-go on Spielman.

Copy that. The bird goes
back in the nest, fellas.

Have a nice day, sir.

If we go past 4:00, do I
have to pay for the full hour

or do they bill by the quarter?

I don't know. I don't handle the money.

Duck. Duck. Duck...

I don't like my work life

and my life with Rose to overlap,

but since it was just this one time,

- it's hard to see the harm.
- Goose.

Children... so adorable.

In a way, they're like people.

Yes, that's why there's
a taboo about eating them.

So good news about saving Spielman.

Yes.

It's a shame to let a resource like Rose

- go to waste, isn't it?
- No, it's not. It's fine.

- Because we agreed we were gonna do this once.
- Right. We're saving people.

Why would anyone ever want to do

- something heroic like that more than once?
- Veronica...

I get it, Ted. If it had been up to you,

it wouldn't have been
"Schindler's list."

It would've been "schindler's guy."

Okay, how does the story end?

Come on. Think. Back to basics.

Lemur.

Nothing.

Hey, Linda. I just thought
I'd stop by on my way home

and see what amazing adventures

my lemur brother from
another mother is up to.

He's up to nothing.

He stared at me as I
ate a carton of ice cream

and then judged me

- as I watched four back-to-back episodes
of "Alf." - Well, maybe I can help.

Oh, I once had an affair
with a 73-year-old woman.

Can you use that?

Only to vomit up the ice cream.

I didn't have to come here, you know?

I'm sorry, Phil.

I... it's just... what
if I can't do this?

Maybe I'm really not a writer.

What if I end up just
some product tester

working for a soulless company

with a half-finished
lemur story in her drawer?

What a cliché.

You can do this, Linda.

Okay, what do you have so far?

The lemur feels stifled,
living his small,

uninspired life in his little tree.

His friends rally around him
and help him find the courage

to go off and seek his fortune.

Okay.

What if he geta summer job

driving a van for meals on wheels

and meets a sexually
adventurous elderly lemur

who roughly takes his virginity?

Thanks for stopping by, Phil.

Wait.

Why does the lemur need
to leave the tree anyway?

Because the tree is stifling

and the Linda has a
dream... the lemur...

the lemur has a dream,

and she... me... he knows
there's more to life.

Why would he want tay
in a little, tiny tree?

Maybe because that's
where all his friends are.

No, you said the other lemurs
rally around and help him.

Maybe that makes him
decide he should stay.

That's it. That's the perfect ending.

The lemur realizes

he doesn't need to go
off and seek his fortune

yeah.

Because the only
fortune anyone ever needs

is friendship.

Oh.

And when you have that,
you wouldn't leave it

for all the adventure in the world.

Suck it, Veridian! I
am rich and outta here!

I was just in the neighborhood

and thought Rose might enjoy some pizza.

I don't usually feed Rose pizza

at 11:30 on a school
night while she's asleep.

But everyone's happy to
wake up for pizza or Candy

or a signed photograph of Zac Efron.

There she is. What's the matter, honey?

You couldn't sleep
because you were worried

there might be more
cutbacks in our department,

and that might reflect badly on me?

No. Somebody out here isn't
using hush-a-boom technology.

Veronica, I told you,
we're not pumping Rose

- for any more information.
- I don't know anything else anyway.

I told you all the new
stuff I heard at dinner.

I... I couldn't resist.
I like saving people.

I make no apologies. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. What a hypocrite.

I feel like I don't
know you. Fake outrage.

- Moving on. What did you get out of her?
- Okay, here's the deal...

Jeffrey Bouchard's daughter told Rose
that their family's moving on Saturday.

They're going to Seattle.

- Jeffrey Bouchard.
- Another engineer.

There's a picture of you
two on your office wall.

People always want to have their
pictures taken with me, Ted.

I'm like a sunset.

Anyway, why is my new best
friend Jeffrey Bouchard

suddenly moving to... wait a minute.

- Zell Industries is in Seattle.
- Yes, and they're developing a missile system

very similar to the sky hammer.

Bouchard is planning to steal
hush-a-boom technology and jump ship.

How could he do this?

And after I let him
use me like a sunset.

Well, you better take his picture down.

Maybe put it in your
drawer next to the one

of you and Saddam Hussein
riding that tandem bike.

Yeah. That was before he got weird.

The next day, bright and early,

Jeffrey Bouchard got a little surprise.

Jeffrey Bouchard...

We've got a rabbit.

Aah!

Oh, that's Jeffrey Bouchard.

I love it when they run.

Tased flesh smells bacon-y.

Now I'm hungry.

Nadine?

I'll be right out.

Can't wait tsee you.

I mean it.

Hurry.

Oh, boy.

It's gonna me 300 bucks just
to get you outta that rig.

- I thought you would like this.
- No, I do, I do. It's sexy.

You know what would be really sexy?

If you could do some work
for another billable client

- while I take it off you.
- That would be fraud.

So now you're asking me
to commit a crime for you.

A naughty, naughty crime. Purr.

Purr.

Okay, first of all, you
can't just say "purr."

You actually have to make the sound.

And that's not even my biggest problem

with all of this.

Phil. Oh, my God.

I just got off the phone with my mom.

- She saw my lemur on the Internet.
- I'm on the Internet!

Shh. The company can't
find out about this.

They'll take it away from me.

I just turned in my manuscript,

- and my publisher is already promoting it.
- I could help promote it.

I'm a pretty decent ice skater.

Maybe I could have my own capade.

Oh, you will have a capade, my friend.

My mom said it's on some asian web site.

- Your mom is really tech savvy.
- That is so hot.

Why did I say that?

- Oh, look! There he is.
- Oh.

Oh, he's so cute.

Yum yum!

- What is he doing?
- Yum yum!

I don't know. It looks like it's...

Yum yum!

An ad.

Yum yum!

- For beer.
- Yum yum!

For children.

So you have a good afternoon.

Remember, your main job is to have fun.

But if you happen to hear anything...

Today, I'm going to
concentrate on Vanessa.

There's something going on there.

I want to report a children's book

that a veridian employee
sold to another company.

I demand veridian take
possession of it immediately

and not punish the person who wrote it.

I feel very strongly
about that last part.

Is this about that book you were writing

- while you were pretending to be sick?
- How did you...

all I have to do is look at Phil,

and he tells me everything,

even things I don't want to know,

- like his time-saving system for
washing his legs. - I just found out

my publisher is owned by
a huge, evil conglomerate

that's using my character to
sell beer to children in Asia.

God, I love Asia. There's
no regulation on anything.

Did you know companies there can
just shoot a man in the street?

I heard that at a conference

about reasons to move
your business to Asia.

I know.

They make it crazy hard
to kill anyone here.

I want my country back.

Anyway, if the company
takes ownership of my book,

they can stop these ads, right?

Yes, but it'll be tied up
in litigation for years.

Your book's not gonna be
your ticket outta here.

I have no choice.

Look at you.

You were so anxious to
get away from this place,

and now you have a problem

and who do you come running to for help?

The company. The glorious company.

- Say it with me.
- The glorious company.

I'm kidding. I just wanted
to see if you'd do it.

- Now say...
- Veronica.

So Linda didn't get to quit her day job.

But like her lemur, she realized

she could find something nice
about where she already was.

"And the lemur said to all
of his friends in the forest,

'I love you guys, even you, lion,

who devoured my friend Keith.'"

- Rose.
- And I realized maybe using Rose's help

to know what's going on around
here isn't such a bad thing.

So anything interesting happen today?

Oh, yeah. I found out something funny.

Amy Bouchard's father
wasn't taking her to Seattle.

He's taking her to see cattle.

She isn't moving away.

Her dad just likes looking at cows.

Uh... daddy's gotta go fix something.

So why don't you go listen
to the rest of that book?

And no more spying.

It's my fault, but you shouldn't do it.

Now don't let it worry
you, but daddy's gonna turn

and run away as fast as he can.

Our team...

Over 100,000 strong...

And we love all of them.

Unless they cross us.

Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them,

because that's love, too...

Veridian Dynamics. Don't cross us

Ever.

Seriously.

Just don't.

Jeffrey, there is no question
bad things were ne to you,

and there is also no
question whose fault it was.

Ted.

- I got tasered, Ted.
- I know, and I'm very sorry.

A... and if there's any way
I can make it up to you...

Maybe you can.

Let me see that taser you got.

Oh, Jeffrey...

I'm so sorry!