Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 2, Episode 10 - Lust in Translation - full transcript

Sometimes a project comes along

that kicks the stress
level a a couple notches.

That's when I need to
stay especially calm,

so my people will stay calm.

Hey, cats and kittens, what is going on

- with the multi-language translator device? -
Oh, my God. Ted's overcompensating for his stress.

- The project must be in huge trouble.
- Our lives as we know them are over!

Guys, it's all right, okay.
I just want to make sure

we're on track with the translator.

The Germans are gonna
be here this afternoon.

- They might want to see a demonstration.
- Oh. Well, we can do that.



- What'd you come in here all calm for?
- A...and listen, the Germans are worried about working with us, because, ironically,

they think that Veridian
is ruthlessly efficient

and bent on world domination.

Wow. That's like when
those Irish auditors thought

our accounting department drank too much

- and wrote overly depressing poetry.
- Well, maybe you could put away

some of your especially evil creations.

- Uh, you know, in case they want to see the lab.
- Evil?

We don't create evil things.

Some might see this long-range
people-skinning laser

- as evil-ish. -
That was only designed

so you could peel an
orange in your kitchen

- while sitting comfortably in your living room.
- Well, now it's used to peel enemy soldiers overseas,

- while you sit comfortably at the Pentagon.
- Well, what about this translator device?



That's going to make it easier
for people to talk to each other,

and with the exception of almost
everything my wife ever says to me,

communication is always good.

Well, actually, the military is also
gonna use it to interrogate prisoners.

Listen, just to be safe, why don't we
clear everything away, uh, except the ficus?

You mean the man-eating ficus?

All right. I'll just try to
keep the Germans upstairs.

Is everything we do down here evil?

Well, that's crazy. We
make a lot of nice stuff,

like, uh...

Kills...

Slowly kills... quickly kills...

Helps shed unwanted pounds!

But also kills.

Oh, my God. Maybe we're evil scientists.

I'm sorry.

I laugh like that when faced
with an unpleasant truth.

That's why I got thrown
out of that Al Gore movie.

Hey, excuse me. This isn't a library.

You can't just leave your
trash wherever you want.

Jeez.

Hey, Brett, you see that
awesome Youtube video

of that goat that sounds like a man?

- He keeps yelling... "mark! Mark!"
- I love that goat. He's all... "mark! Mark!"

- Do you mind?
- "Mark!"

- "Mark!"
- "Mark!"

- "Mark!"
- "Mark!"

- That's the last time forward anything to you guys.
- "Mark!"

Worried about the deal with the Germans,

Veronica was also under a lot of stress.

We believe the
multi-language translator

will create a furor in Germany,

a furor that will sweep across Europe,

crushing... no.

What's going on?

Do you live here?

Do all the cubicle workers have
little hobbit holes like this?

No, some of us nest in trees,
others have underground warrens.

Actually, I just found this empty room,

so I decorated a little,

and come here occasionally to get a break
from that corporate mosh pit out there.

Was that thumping noise the sound of
you banging your head against the wall,

summouning the other hobbits
to feast and dance?

You know, why don't you lay off?

If you want. I'm sorry. It's just,

I'm a little sensitive
about the hobbit jokes,

because I think of myself
as having big, floppy feet.

I know. It's crazy, right?

Fine. Don't reassure me
about my giant feet....

which I might be too sensitive about.

Again, thank you. Anyway,
that thumping sound

was this game I came up
with to blow off steam.

You take a bagel, you stand on this
coffee stain, and you try to bounce it off

that wall and into that air vent.

It's pretty tricky.

Mm... not for me,

because I'm good at everything I do.

I'm not bragging,

because bragging is the
one thing I'm not good at.

Although, if I wanted to be,
I'd be excellent at that, too,

as I've just proved.

Really? You think you'd be
better than me at Linda bagel?

Because, you know... I'm Linda.

And I'm Veronica. So bagel me.

Veronica is late for our big meeting

with the Germans,

who, of course, are right on time.

What? It's a positive stereotype.

Anyway, now I am stuck
having to charm them

all by myself.

which suddenly, I am fine with.

Pots-damn!

Hello, I'm Ted Crisp.

Guten tag, I'm Hans
Muller. This is Carl Hoffman

und our CEO Greta Schulz.

Hello, I am being happy to meet you.

You and I... do it, I hope.

The coming together?

Uh, o... okay. I hope so, too.

Fraulein Schulz is
not fluent in English.

She means she hopes this
deal between our two companies

will come together.

Thanks for the clarification,

herr buzzkill.

Nothin' but vent! Do I look like a bus?

'Cause I just took you to school.

- Suck my big hobbit feet!
- Keep your flippers in your clown shoes, Linda.

We're going again.

The multiple language translator device

will instantaneously
translate any language...

- into any other.
- Just flick this switch

- and turn this dial to the desired language.
- Sorry I'm late. There was an emergency

with the dough-based projectile
ventilation targeting system.

P please... continue.

Phil, who speaks fluent German,
will now speak into the device,

which will translate
what he says into English.

Hello. I am your friend.

Do not be afraid. It's me! Phil!

- I thought you guys were working on the voice.
- We were, and we made it more awesome.

Who wouldn't want to sound

like a 90-foot robot, you know?

Our ships are hovering

above all your cities.

Oh, God. We have unhappy Germans.

Nothing good has ever come from that.

Um, okay, we will have this voice fixed

in a couple days. I...in the meantime,

- why don't you relax?
- Maybe do some sightseeing?

Yes, on us! Throw on
some leather shorts,

dark shoes, socks up to the knees,

and stomp around our fine city.

Perhaps Ted can stomp me.

Ah... stomp with me.

I not wish to die
from Ted's under-boot.

Good, 'cause I just
got new under-boots.

I'd hate to have to scrape you off them.

You know what? Don't translate that.

Just... just tell her I'd
be happy to take her around.

I saw what was going on in there

between you and fraulein cheekbones.

When you show her around town,

- keep your hansels off her gretels.
- I was just being friendly.

I'm serious, Ted. This
deal is too important,

and sex can screw things
up. Why do you think

the three stooges went
through so many curlys?

Wow. Look at her.

I can have a personal relationship

and not screw up a business deal.

I'm nothing like the three stooges.

I have never spent the
night in a mummy museum

or... or smuggled a
chicken into the opera.

Hello, toad.

Ted.

Eat me?

Let's go to dinner. I'm gonna
teach you the word "with".

Phil and Lem couldn't stand the
thought of being evil scientists.

Maybe if we came up with
something that's pure good...

something that the company
couldn't possibly use for evil.

Or... what if we invent something

that's already pure evil?

Then maybe the company will
turn it into something goo

like a horrible device that
drops heavy things on your feet

and tells you the end of movies
you really, really wanted to see.

I thought you saw "The Sixth Sense,"
and I told you I was setting down

- my end of the sofa.
- Well, I hadn't, and my toe will never be the same.

- How are glasses and mustache doing with the translator voice?
- First of all,

glasses and mustache
are the same person.

- And, uh, Lem and Phil need a little bit more time.
- The Germans aren't going to like this.

Actually, they're in
no hurry to leave town.

Oh, my God.

You're jackhammering Gretel
like she's the Berlin wall.

It was a little more romantic than that.

Although... there was a
lot of cheering in German,

followed by heartfelt congratulations.

Ted, if something goes wrong,
you could blow this whole deal.

But you think nothing will go
wrong, just because it's you.

I do not think that, although
nothing will go wrong.

It's me. That's hubris, Ted.

You're cocky. You think you can't lose.

It's very self-destructive. You
should take a hard look at...

Linda, rematch in 30 minutes, and
this time, there's no way I lose.

Okay, but I don't think
you used my proper title.

Oh, queen Linda the dainty-footed.

Anyway.

You're gonna end up
making a fool of yourself.

So why is Veronica talking to you

- like a waitress at medieval times?
- Wasn't it great? I made up this bagel toss game,

and when she loses,
I make her say stuff.

And she always loses.

Chick throws a bagel like
the horse is still attached.

that works better for horseshoes,

but you get the point. Look,
Veronica's got the better job,

the better car, the better shoe size.

This is the only thing I'll ever do

that I'm better at than she is.

- And I'm telling myself it's the most important thing.
- Well, I can see by the spittle flying out of your mouth

that you're in a good place,
but, uh, you should know,

- Veronica will strike back.
- I don't care. It's worth it, as long as I keep winning...

- which I will, because I am Linda of Linda bagel.
- You know what that is? That's hubris. You're cocky.

You think you can't lose.
It's very self-destructive.

you should take a hard
look at... ooh! It's Greta.

We've got a date tonight.
It is gonna be awesome.

Here's a little extra work

that requires your
royal touch, queen Linda.

Heavy is the head that
wears the $10 haircut.

No problem.

It's as easy as throwing
a bagel through a vent.

Oh, I'm sorry.

For some people, that's
practically impossible.

in spite of not being
able to speak very well,

Greta and I were having
no trouble communicating.

Oh! Hmm?

It is here. Herr Muller bring for me.

Surprise.

I tell Flem and the little bird man,

"mach schnell.

I must speak with mein Ted."

Really? They fixed
it. That is fantastic.

I really like you, Ted.

You're a very special man.

Is that Phil's voice?

What's wrong?

Die stimme

Von diesen dingen ist mein freund Phil.

I like this voice.
It's warm and friendly

and almost gender-neutral.

The device works. Our business
deal will be a success.

Kiss me, Ted.

Kiss me hard on the lips.

What?

I thought you'd be happy we can finally

get to know each other
on an emotional level.

- Our relationship wasn't just about sex, was it?
- No.

Nein.

Then let's go into the bedroom,

and we can make love and talk

and make love and talk all night.

Yay.

Yay.

Phil, why on earth would you use

- your voice for the translator device?
- It was the fastest way to fix it,

since we already had
my voice in the computer

- from that failed talking frying pan project.
- Stupid thing wouldn't stop screamin

- when you put it on the burner.
- Plus, it was very critical...

"you really need that much butter?"

Screw you, frying pan.

Okay, fellas... excuse us.

So here's the deal.
Greta and I are dating.

But... it's hard for me
to fulfill my manly duties

- when Phil keeps telling me how much I'm pleasuring him.
- Oh, my God.

Yes. You said that a lot last night.

Guys, I need your help.
I really like Greta,

and I don't want this thing between
us to go south, plus if it does,

I... I could foul up this whole
deal, and Veronica's gonna kill me.

Recording and loading a
new voice could take days.

Well, we still have those Nixon tapes.

I guess we could pull from those.

I'm beginning to think you
guys really are evil scientists.

Oh, hi, Ted. How are
things going with Greta?

- You screw that up yet?
- No, not at all. We really like each other.

Plus, she is very happy with
the new voice on the translator.

The guys just need a
little time to tweak it.

- It's close, it's close. Ohh, it's so close.
- Oh, man. I have to go.

I need you to design me a perfect bagel.

Perfect but somehow evil?

Like halfway down your
throat, it triples in size

or tells you the end to "Rocky IV"?

- No, just a dozen perfect, aerodynamically balanced bagels.
- A perfect bagel...

- there's no way that could be used for anything bad.
- I'm using them to cheat.

Linda sucked me into this stupid game,

and your super-bagels
will help me destroy her.

- And... boom. We're back in the evil business.
- Oh, and throw in a pint of cream cheese.

I don't care how evil you are...

you don't show up with
bagels and no schmear.

Linda.

So if a guy asked you
not to talk during sex,

- would you be offended?
- No woman likes to be told to shut up during sex.

Wait. Did Paul from accounting
tell you to ask me that?

Because all we did was
make out in his car,

- and all I said was, "get off my hair."
- Paul from accounting? Really?

No. Gotcha.

Would you leave? I have
a lot of work to do.

Yeah, what is all this?

- Veronica's retaliating.
- Why don't you just let her win?

Wh... what are you afraid of?
If you...if you throw a game,

it's gonna keep you out of
the time-wasters' hall of fame?

No. My position there is secure

from getting my art history degree.

I just can't make myself lose.

I've tried, but it feels
so good to beat her.

Well, then figure out a way
to end the game without losing.

Like, when Rose gets
frustrated with checkers,

she just flips the board over.

I once tried the same thing
in Vegas with a craps' table.

Got it up just high enough to
tear every muscle in my back.

Interesting. Like when
Van Gogh got so frustrated

with his paintings, he
ripped up his canvases.

That little factoid cost my
parents $60,000 in tuition.

Since I couldn't tell Greta not to talk,

I tried to make it so I couldn't hear.

Ted, the music is so loud.

Ich weiss. Ist es nicht erotisch?

I know your friend's voice bothers you,

but isn't it worth
it to hear my feelings

and instructions

about the best way to touch my breasts?

Eh...

If we can't communicate,

then this is all just about sex,

and that doesn't work for me.

Es ist nicht nur sex, Phil... Greta.

Sehen sie das problem?

Why don't you take that schnitzel
you brought me and go home?

Ich will das zu den schnitzel ast.

Den schnitzel macht dich glucklich.

That's because I thought the
schnitzel meant something.

But I was wrong...

so wrong... about you and the schnitzel.

Good morning. Fraulein Schulz
has decided that we do not want

to partner with your company
on the translator device.

Goodbye.

Was much promising, but not true.

Damn it, Ted.

You were much promising
but not true, weren't you?

She wanted to use the translator
device with Phil's voice during sex.

I don't care if she wanted
to use Phil during sex.

You screwed this up because you
were so sure you were smarter than

- the three stooges.
- You're right. And I like Greta.

I don't want it to end like
this. I'm gonna go talk to her.

Greta, wait. Can we talk?

Human be'!

Damn it. I told them not to
put Klingon on this thing.

- Greta...
- Warten sie, Greta. Konnen wir sprechen?

You have one minute.

Veronica just called.

She's about to play another
game with Linda and wants us

to bring the super-bagels
so she can cheat.

We're completely corrupted now.

We're like Michael Corleone
at the end of "The Godfather."

- Damn it, Lem!
- Well, you should watch a movie occasionally.

Look at them. They're so beautiful.

Usinthem for wickedness would be like

beating a unicorn to death
with a bag of rainbows.

Maybe we should take a stand.

Maybe we should say this is the one
thing that must not be used for evil.

Or maybe we say that the next thing
we make must not be used for evil,

but this one we're fine with.

And maybe the next one after that, too.

But someday, they will push us too far.

- And then next time after that, we...
- No. The time is now...

12:35.

Maybe we should discuss
this for another 20 minutes,

and then commit to something.

Good. You made it. Go inside.
I'll be in in a minute.

Lem and Phil are bringing me something.

It... it has nothing
to do with the game.

It's a... lucky hat. I
may decide not to wear it.

So if I come in without a hat,
don't give it a second thought.

I have devastating news.

Somehow, security found
out about the room.

I don't know how. Nobody
does, and nobody ever will,

so just drop that.

But they don't like people
screwing around on company time,

so they're coming
right now to lock it up.

No! It can't end until I win.

Fine, I'll play without my...

Whatever the hell I said
I was waiting for. Come on.

Okay, Ted, I will give
you another chance.

Lock the door and take
me, and don't be gentle.

- Aber konnten wir uber unsere gefuhl nicht gerade sprechen?
- Nein.

No. And none of that
silly foreplay this time.

Just go for it.

Ha!

I've tied it up.

Your turn, meat.

You gonna blow it? Huh,
meat? You gonna choke?

I'm Linda. I'm choking.

I've got a big chunk of
pressure lodged in my throat.

It's like a chicken bone.

Come on, chicken bone.
Chicken bone. Chicken bone.

I'm really gonna miss this.

Oh, Ted. That feels so
good. More, more. Don't stop.

What the hell is that?
What are Phil and Ted doing?

Oh, is that distracting?
Come on, chicken bone, focus.

Don't think about Ted nailing Phil.

- You are so good with the sex, Ted.
- What?!

Throw the bagel, chicken bone.
Throw it! Throw it! Throw it!

Yes!

This is it.

This is for the world championship...

of the world.

I did it! I beat you!

Ha!

Yeah, whatever.

Seriously, what is up with Ted and Phil?

I have to get that bagel.
It's going in my trophy case.

Also, I have to get a trophy case.

Wow, it's way back there.

- Are you sure we're doing
- the right thing? I've never been so sure

- about being unsure of anything in my life.
- Good.

Then we're on the
same page. Let's do it.

Aah!

Veronica, we've made a decision.

Maybe we should ask her why she
just fell through the ceiling.

No. No small talk.

These bagels are the one thing

we will not allow to be used for evil.

I won.

Congratulations. The deal with
the Germans just went through.

And congratulations to you
for falling through the ceiling

in a metal tube and winning that
game. That's gotta feel good.

You're gonna have to speak up.
I'm temporarily deaf in one ear.

As you may know, I fell through
the ceiling in a metal tube.

But at least I won that
game, and that feels good.

These super-bagels are terrible.

You can totally taste
the high impact carbon.

That's because they're
98% high impact carbon.

Whenever you go past 97%,
it's hard to mask the taste.

So I was able to navigate that
tricky situation with Greta,

so you were wrong. I am
not like the three stooges.

Ow!

Ooh!

Ah, a couple of wise guys, eh?