Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 2, Episode 1 - Love Blurts - full transcript

Veridian tries to play matchmaker for its employees, but the motives are less than altruistic. Ted's and Linda's matches cause friction between the two, and Veronica finds out that she's matched up with Lem.

At Veridian Dynamics, scientific
research is second to none.

Unfortunately, it seems sometimes that research
is conducted on the people who work here.

What's all this?

The company posted a
list of single employees

they think should date each other
based on genetic compatibilty.

Yep, that sounds about right.

Wheee... love is in the air.

Oh, gee. Genetic engineering is romantic

That's why it's so often
used as a prom theme.

They're only helping
hook up the single people.

Once again, the marrieds
don't get to date.

We just have to go home to
our cold, not-empty beds.

Phil, just because they
used the word "wheee"

doesn't mean it's a good thing.
Remember "wheee! It's pension rollbacks"?

Oh, actually that was fun...

Until they rolled back our pensions.

So, Veronica, the company wants

genetically compatible
employees to pair up?

Is this the first step

in trying to breed somebody tall enough

to change that lightbulb in the lobby?

Why do you always think
there's some dark motive

behind everything the company does?

Did a corporation once
touch you in a place

- that made you uncomfortable?
- When they rolled back my pension,

- I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
- Okay, fine. This whole thing is about money.

- Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
- Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy.

It's his power and his curse.

The company has thousands of employees,

and every year, hundreds
get married and have babies.

If Veridian can ensure
the breeding couple

is genetically compatible,
the company will save

a huge amount of money on
health care for their offspring.

So to save money, the
company's getting involved

in people's sex lives?
They may regret that,

like when they tried to
replace food in the cafeteria

- with those nutrition pellets.
- Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate.

Anything that starts
with the word "wheee"

is just a fun suggestion...

like the constitution
and "wheee" the people.

This sucks. Having my
name on that dating board

is like announcing to the whole
floor, "ooh, look at Linda.

What a loser. She's
so single and alonely."

- Alone. Not lonely. I'm fine.
- I know. The whole thing is crazy.

Who does the company think it is,
telling us who to boff? This is America.

We fought the British over our right
to boff. They wanted us to shag.

Ugh, I'm not even gonna
look at that stupid list.

- Good. Me neither.
- They don't think we're compatible.

- I know. I saw that.
- The thing is, if I don't do it,

everyone else is gonna hook up,

- and then I'll look alonely again. I'm fine.
- Well, I'm not doing it.

So we both won't do it.

- Good. It's a deal.
- They can take our loneliness

when they pry it from
our cold, sad hands.

Is that the super-fast-growing
moss for the NASA project?

Yes. I left the lid off
the containment vessel,

and it spread everywhere. We'd
better make it less aggressive.

It's supposed to feed astronauts,

not feed on astronauts.

I've been called up to
Veronica's office so I can listen

to her yell at me about
violating containment procedures.

Hey, the company sent me an e-mail
about the genetic matchmaking.

Looks like they didn't forget
the married people after all.

"Congratulations, Dr.
Myman. Based on your DNA,

the company is offering you a free..."

double clicking... "Vasectomy"?

- Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce?
- Sorry, Phil,

I can't think about your
reproductive system right now.

I have to go see Veronica,
and my own reproductive system

has retreated like a turtle's
head up into my abdomen.


- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.

I... I'm sorry. It got out
of its containment vessel,

and it's extremely aggressive.
Wait. Did you say my...

Sperm, yes. I want to freeze yours.

It turns out you and I are the two

most genetically compatible
people in the entire company.

And while right now I'm neither
interested in raising a child

nor in playing landlord for nine
months to a parasitic organism,

I just want to keep my options open.

You want to have my baby?

Well, using your DNA
would only be my plan "e,"

behind fall in love and breed, clone,

take one of my sister's kids

or rip out the whole works
and sail around the world.

Well, you would look good on the deck of
the right ship... tanned, wind in your hair,

- no ovaries.
- You have outstanding genes, Lem,

too good for a gal to pass up.

Your mother is a world-class scientist.

Your father was the
first male supermodel.

- I did my research.
- Boy, this is a lot to take in.

- Excellent. Then it's settled.
- What?

There's a man waiting for you with a cup

on the eighth floor to take your sample.

Just make sure it's the right man.

Ugh. I know I sound
like a stand-up comic,

but don't you hate it when someone
puts half a yogurt back in the fridge?

Yes, and what is the
deal with airline food?

- Why don't they serve it anymore?
- Hi, I'm Danielle.

The company feels very strongly
that we should, "wheee..."

- have unprotected sex with each other.
- Oh, you're that Danielle.

You're... you're on
my compatibility list.

- Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
- I know. It's ridiculous.

I mean, just because your
DNA matches mine doesn't mean

you're gonna like pink's chili
dogs or that your favorite movie

- is "Caddyshack."
- I swear I'm not hitting on you,

but my favorite movie is "Caddyshack,"

and if pink's chili dogs were
on the list, I would date them.

- But, uh, the list is stupid, right?
- Oh, absolutely.

So we definitely should not
do what it says and date.

Yeah, although my cousin is stupid,

and he once had a good suggestion.

Excuse me. Are you Linda?

- Yes.
- Okay, I'm Greg.

- Uh, you're number one on my compatibility list.
- Oh, damn it.


You're good-looking.

Yeah, it bums me out,
too. Thanks a lot, God.

No, it's just, I'm not
dating off that stupid list.

A friend and I made a deal not to.

We can't let the company
breed us like golden retrievers

or we'll all end up with
weak hips and kennel cough.

Yeah. I didn't want to do it either,

but then I saw you,
and next thing I knew,

I'm standing here wanting
to get to know you.

Oh, crap. You're charming, too.

Just get out.

Ted, we need your help.

- Guys, I'm in the middle of...
- Veronica's demanding my sperm.

And the company wants to turn
my testicles into twin hermits

with no conduit to the outside world.

This is out of my area of expertise,

so I will just see you later tonight.

That's nice work, fellas.

You know, that's why it wasn't called

"Romeo and Juliet and Lem and Phil."

- So what is going on?
- Me first. Veronica and I are a perfect genetic match,

so she wants to bank my DNA

but I don't want to have children.

- I'm a dangerous bad boy.
- No, you're not.

Shut up, Phil. It's not your turn yet.

Plus, I don't want Veronica to
be the mother of my children.

I might like my children, and she's the
least maternal person I have ever known.

So Lem needs you to talk to
Veronica and tell her to back off

- because he is a coward. Whew. Now me.
- Phil wants you to find out why the company

doesn't want any more
Phils in the world.

Oh, and he's also a coward. I tried to
get my medical records from the company,

but they say they're confidential

and can only be released to
other insurance companies,

pharmaceutical reps,
suppliers of medical equipment

and for some reason, the R.N.C.

Okay, guys, relax. I
will take care of it.

I will talk to Veronica. I will
get you your medical records.

And then tonight, I will
rescue a young, beautiful lady

from a Tedless existence.
Now back to work.

This is why we draw pictures
of him as a superhero.

He must never know about aqua-Ted.

I did it. I stuck to our
pact, and I stood on principle.

It was really hard, but I turned down

this really good-looking,
charming guy who...

Why are you backing away from me?

What did you do, cri?

You son of a bitch!

Get out of my way.
Excuse me. Move, please.


Hi, Greg. Does tonight work for you?


Oh! I've just gotta...

Ted tells me you don't
want me to have your baby,

and I shouldn't talk to you about it

because it will make you uncomfortable.

- Is that true?
- No, you never make me uncomfortable.

Why would he say that?

"I'm dying to do it" is
what he should have said.

Good. Then get up to the eighth floor

oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on

with the edible moss project?

- Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
- Please.

I'm not interested in all the
little details of your life.

The NASA guys are coming tomorrow.

- Just make sure I have something to show them.
- Yeah.

Then I came to Veridian four years ago.

I like the people,

but sometimes the company makes me feel

so small and... and unimportant.

Oh, man. I can totally relate to that.

I used to steal creamer
out of the coffee room.

I didn't even use it. I just
wanted to stand for myself

and say hey, I'm here. You
don't control everything I do.

That is awesome. I totally get that.

- I have my own little way of acting out.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- What is it?

- No, you're gonna think it's strange.
- Oh, come on. I told you my thing.

All right. Uh, twice a week after work,

I put on a totally
realistic bear costume

and hang out in the park.

You what now?

Yeah, it makes me feel powerful, mighty.

I don't scare anyone.

I sit in the bushes,
root around for berries.

Ce I pushed on a camper...

you know, just bear kind of stuff.

I think that's great.

My date with Danielle was fantastic...

really fantastic, right up until...

I love you.

- I just blurted it out.
- Good God.

You told a woman you loved
her on the first date?

- That is so needy.
- I know. In the blink of an eye, I went from sexy to psychopath.

It's just, I hadn't been
with a woman in a while.

It was something I
used to say to my wife.

You should always limit
what you say during sex

to moaning and helpful tips.

So did she say "I love you" back,

- or were you the only crazy one in the bed?
- No, it was just me.

But I covered for it, although
I don't know if I made it better.

I love you... tah.

You love Utah?

Very much.

Why would you say you love
Utah at this particular moment?

It's... it's just, uh,

Utah, it's a very
spiritual place for me.

I go there in my head sometimes
during special moments...

Sex, birth of my child. I've
even yelled it at ball games.

Oh. Uh... Why Utah?

Because... I'm from there.

You are?

Most of my family is from Utah.

Yeah. Salt Lake City.
Where are you from?

Not Salt Lake City.

I'm from...

I don't remember the name.

You don't remember the
name of where you're from?

Not the English name.

What other name is there?

The Indian name.

- She used up the good one.
- Provo, Park City, Moab, Castleville, Cedar City...

Yeah, it's easy to play "Jeopardy!"

When you're at home in your living
room with all your clothes on.

Ogden, Fruit Heights,
Ggoshen, Mayfield, Lewiston...

- All right, I get it. You know Utah.
- You mean the beehive state?

Anyway, once I started lying,
there was no going back.

Before I knew it, I had
made up this whole story

about my childhood growing
up on an Indian reservation.

Oh, Ted.

Wow, your grandfather sounds
like such a proud man...

Trying to keep your culture alive.

Hey, hey, what's your
word for grandfather?

that means "goat,"

which is why we no longer eat goat.

What am I doing?

The thing is, I want
to keep seeing Danielle.

- I really like her.
- What's not to like?

She's gullible and slept
with you on the first date.

If her mom's not fat, I'd
say throw a ring on it.

I'm gonna tell her the truth, but first,

I need to spend time with her,
you know, just... just being me.

Then when I come clean, this will all be

- just that funny story about our first date.
- Yes, Ted, maybe yours

will be the one Indian
story that ends haily.

Listen, I still ven't
seen any edible moss,

and NASA's coming this afternoon.

Go light a fire under your nerds.

I don't know where they are,

but I'm sure you're
an excellent tracker.

Hey, Ted-edict Arnold.

How did your date go with Danielle?

- Good. Really well.
- Oh, just really well?

My date with Greg went
really, really well, so...

- Ted.
- Danielle. Hey, you want to maybe grab some lunch later?

Yeah, that sounds great.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

- How do you say "lunch" in your language?
- Oh, that doesn't have to be our thing, does it?

Oh, come on. It's such
a beautiful language.

It's, um,

You have your own language?

It's not mine. I share
it with my people.

And you have a people.

She thinks I'm an Indian.

Oh, goodness.

Hey, Linda.


I had a really, really
good time last night.

Me, too. I told you so. Uh, this is Ted.

He likes to pretend he's an Indian.

Oh, cool. You ever pretend to stalk

totally realistic-looking
large animals?

That's funny. You're adorable.

Yeah? Then why don't
we go out again tonight?


Ooh, maybe we can go to the park.

Phil, I'm having a bad day.

Tell me you're almost done
with the edible moss project.

Sorry, Ted. I am actively
disappointing you.

I'm researching my family
tree to find out why Veridian

doesn't want any more
Mymans in the world.

Oh, yeah, that. I tried to
get your medical records,

- and the company won't release 'em.
- I have my answer anyway.

Turns out the entire Myman
family line is worthless.

We have been hated throughout history.

The English hunted Mymans for sport.

The French used us
as building materials.

The Russians had an expression...

- "as useless as a stack of Mymans."
- Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors?

"The screaming Mymans"...
that sound promising.

They weren't warriors.

The crusaders launched my
ancestors over castle walls

- as ammunition.
- Oh, good, you're here.

I need you to tell Veronica
that I don't want to give her

- my baby ingredients.
- I already did.

But then I untold her. I'm so weak.

How can I ever look my sperm in the eye?

At least you didn't lie to your
sperm about being an Indian.

No, I did not. But once
when I was a teenager,

I did abandon it at a bus stop.

We have a scientist problem.

God. I can't wait until they
invent their own replacents.

Phil is freaking out. He needs
to see his medical records.

Yeah, I noticed he was
acting a little odd earlier.

Did you know that "turd"

comes from the Gaelic word for Myman?

Shh. I love this song.

And you gotta back off Lem.

What's going on with you
and this baby thing, anyway?

I don't know. My stupid sister
just popped out another one.

And I held it, and it
smelled really good.

It was soft and squishy,
and for the briefest second,

I didn't want to give it back.

Part of that was because

I don't like my sister
having things I don't have.

But part of it was something else.

Well, if that's what you want,
it'll happen for you someday.

But right now, if you want Lem's moss,

you gotta back off his sauce.

Hey, Danielle. You ready for lunch?

We could go to pink's,
grab some chili dogs.

- This tie is ready for retirement.
- And I hate this dress. Let's do it.

Hey, Ted. Do you know if that'
a fresh pot of aw-kay-how?

Hi, I'm Linda. Ted's an Indian.
That's his word for coffee.

He taught me his language.

Lakota wa-glacka
oh-oosby wack-a-toonia.

I just asked him what
he's doing is weekend.

And he says, in his language...

Wigloka netu-aken. Ley wah.

Eh caso kah.


Really? Tennis again? I'm
sorry, I interrupted you.

Please finish what you were saying.




No, they look totally real to me.

- Were you two just talking about my...
- No! No, no.

See, the thing is, um, in my language,

the word for tennis
ball is the same as...

Ah, screw it. I'm not an Indian.

I... I lied about the whole thing.

Wait. W... what? You lied?

Why... why would you do that?

Because I accidentally said
"I love you" on our first date

I... I didn't want you
to think I was needy.

It... it just slipped out.
But if you think about it,

it's about the sweetest
thing a guy can say.

I mean, isn't that why
we're all here... love?

Wait, wait, stop. The
headline here is you lied.


Plus, now I feel like
an idiot for believing

anyone's word for horse
could be "climpe-clompety."

I'm sorry. I love you!
Aah! What is wrong with me?

Hello. I'm Philip Myman.

I'm here for my free vasectomy.

I believe I am also entitled
to a complimentary windbreaker.

We're out of windbreakers.
Would you like a spos bottle?

No, I got the sports bottle
when they rolled back my pension.

Phil, this is crazy.

Just because Veronica tells
you to get your ass up here

doesn't mean you have
to go through with this.

She can't have your things,
and she can't take my stuff.

She would make a horrible
mom, and when she gets here,

I'm going to tell her... I'm ready.

- Relax. I talked to Ted. You're off the hook.
- Ted's a liar.

Let's just get this surgery over with.

- Then maybe you'll take me out and buy me a smoothie.
- We're not here for surgery.

I need to see Phil
Myman's medical records.

Oh, good. You have them
out. Give them to me.

- I'm sorry, ma'am. These records are strictly confidential.
- This is my scientist,

and you are making him very unhappy.

And I can't have him unhappy.

So you give me that file,

because if I have to come
back there and get it myself,

then you're gonna be
unhappy. Do you understand?

Ma'am, I can't.

Excellent. I was hoping you'd say that,

because I haven't gone
balls-out crazy in a long time,

- and it's my favorite kind of crazy.
-Wow. Look how fierce and protective she is.

This must be how a baby lion feels

when its mom yells at a receptionist

to get its medical records.

So now it looks like we
have ourselves a race.

Can you lock that door
before I can get through it?

You feeling lucky? Huh, receptionist?

Run! I'm all bluff.

So, for a pure clean, all
free clear is all you need.

Recommended by dermatologists...

Seeing Veronica ing
so protective of Phil

made Lem realize she did
have maternal instincts,

and that would make her a great mom.

Veronica, here's a cup of
my sperm. You've earned it.

Lem, you remember the guys from NASA?


And after looking at
his medical records,

Phil was relieved to
find out the real reason

the company didn't
want him to reproduce.

My sperm count is off the charts!

I'm so prolific, the
amount of kids I could have

would cost them a
fortune in health care.

The Mymans weren't useless.
They were just plentiful.

Your people are like the edible
space moss of the human race.

And I realized, I haven't
been with a lot of women

since my wife, so maybe
I am a little needy,

and I need to get out
more... a lot more,

and learn about Utah, just in case.

Hey, Ted. Pilo-Maya.

That means I'm sorry I
messed things up for you

with Danielle,

but I was pissed you dated
someone from that stupid list

when we had a deal we wouldn't.

But ruining your love life
was a douchey thing to do.

Pilo-Maya... a simple
word for a complex idea.

Oh, that's okay. Hey, I'm
the one who lied to Danielle.

But at least you got something promising

- going with that Greg guy.
- Yeah, about that.

Last night animal control shot him

- with a tranquilizer in the park.
- What?

Yeah, he was kind of dressed as a bear

and pushing on a van
with some teenagers in it.

Who would have guessed
it would be a bad idea

to let a giant corporation's
financial agenda

- dictate who we date?
- Yeah, well, I guess you and Danielle

sure learned that lesson the hard way.