Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 13 - Secrets and Lives - full transcript

The office finds out that Veronica is secretly working as a magician's assistant, Linda sets up a date for Ted, and Phil tries to improve his self-confidence.

It's not always easy to know who you are...

and to be comfortable with that.

Like Alice- She still thinks she's 20.

And Ernie- He thinks he's a gangsta.

And Linda-She thinks she and Veronica...

can talk about their personal lives
like girlfriends.

Hey, girlfriend. Veronica. Boss.


So, my boyfriend wants us to move in together.

Why would he want us to move in together?

No. I mean, he wants me
to move in with him.

Then where am I supposed to live?

You're sabotaging this
conversation, aren't you?

- Just till we get to the meeting.
- I can get it done in that time.

So we've been back together for six
months. He's a really nice guy.

My cat loves his dog, and he has better
furniture than I do. Done!

Okay, fellas. Nerd it up.

We've been developing a new search engine...

and unlike language-based search engines...

this face-matching technology
uses visual recognition.

Less nerd, more English.

- You take an image of a person-
- Or a picture.

- And scan it into a computer-
- Or magic box.

I'm not embarrassed to say this is helping.

Now, once the photo,
like your corporate head shot...

is scanned-

the search engine
will find that face on every video...

or still image that's ever been uploaded
onto the Internet.

It can find the subject in a crowded stadium...

in the background of home movies,
security cameras, webcams.

It's like having eyes everywhere,
but not in a bad way...

like that time we spilled
that container full of eyes.

With this technology,
we have finally defeated privacy.

I just have to say, a technology like this
could have serious consequences.

I mean, we are opening up
a huge can of-Awesome.

Look at all those pictures.
This must be how a bee sees me.

There you are in the background
of some fancy restaurant.

Looks like a man's getting sick.

The guy died, which is apparently
what you had to do at that place...

to get the waiter's attention.

More. More, more.

Whoa. What's this?

Well, it looks like you on some kind
of stage with a... magician?

Somebody must've taken this with a camera phone
and put it on the Internet...

perhaps for our pleasure.

Hey, everyone!
Linda's moving in with her boyfriend.

Unless your boyfriend is a half-naked magician...

I say we stay on the topic
of"What the hell is that?"

Boy, I cannot figure out this weather.

I mean, I woke up, it looked like rain.

I get to work,
and you're a magician's assistant.

What can I say? I love him, Ted.

- Who?
- Mordor.

- Is that the magician?
- His name is Mordor. What do you think?

Eight months ago, I saw him performing
at a lounge off the Vegas Strip.

We shared an instant animal attraction.

He invited me up on stage, and I never left.

Boy, when you undo that bun,
you really undo that bun.

Now I fly to Vegas
every other weekend to perform.

For those two days,
I don't have to be in charge of anything.

It's a total release.

All I have to do is please the man I love...

and twice nightly lock him in a watertight drum,
which also pleases him.

You look like you could use a handkerchief.

Here, use mine.

Okay. I will get it for you.

Look! It is never ending!

When will it end? Never?

I always dreaded this day would come...

that people here would find out
about my other life.

Veronica, look. People are gonna have their fun
for the next couple days...

and then something weird will happen, like
someone in the lab will invent carnivorous shoes...

and this whole thing will be old news.

Ta-da! It is ended!

I can't function here
if people know that twice a month...

I put on half an ounce of spandex
and hide a dove in my-

- Let's just say it's not comfortable for me or the dove.
- Oh.

Anyway, it would undermine my authority,
so I've decided to quit the act.

But what about... Odor?

It's Mordor.

Mordor the Unforgiving.

And I just hope he understands.

Our new search engine
had exposed Veronica's private life...

and it was about to change Phil's.

Oh, great.
Here's a video of me at the mini-mart...

buying my wife some tamp-you-know-whats.


- Here's me in a cowboy outfit.
- No way!

Looks like I'm on some kind of a ranch.

And there you are riding a bull at a rodeo.

This can't be me. Why would I be on a bull
without zinc on my nose?

Look at this.

"Byron McNertny wins eighth
bull riding competition. "

This isn't you. The search engine
found someone who looks exactly like you.

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

It's like looking
into some bizarre alternate universe...

where I can drive a bull and wear tall shoes
with throwing stars attached to them.

- Those are boots with spurs.
- Wild!

Here he is surrounded by women.

All my life, I thought my average looks
were holding me back.

How does this McNertny guy do all that
with the same ham hocks and chitlins?

For most people, there's a gap between
who they'd like to be and who they really are.

But not me. Oh, I'm not bragging.
I just happen to know who I am.

Hey, Ted.
You're not seeing anyone right now, are you?

Nope. And I'm totally fine with that.

Hey, I heard you're moving in with Don.

I'm totally fine with that too.

Yes. I'm very happy,
and I want you to be happy.

So I'm setting you up with my friend Rebecca.

She's beautiful, and she's a veterinarian.

So when you meet her, if you start trembling
and pee on the floor, she'll be okay with it.

Well, that is my move.

I- I don't know if I want to meet anyone right now.

I'm busy with work and with Rose.

My herb garden's finally come together. I've got-

Oh, Rebecca. How weird that you
would show up right at this moment.

So, coincidence, huh?
That's what you're going with?

You must be Ted. I'm Rebecca.

Setting me up with your friend.
That's happening, like, right now.

Apparently it is, Ted. Sorry about Linda.

She's as subtle as a Weimaraner.

See, that's funny
because Weimaraners are high-strung dogs.

- Oh.
- And they're notorious for setting up their friends.

Sounds like they're the yentas
of the canine world.

Look what's going on here.

I did not major in chemistry,
but I know it when I see it.

You two should go out to dinner together.
How 'bout Friday night?

I can watch Rose. Rose is his daughter.

So, looks like we have two choices.

We go out Friday, or you put Linda to sleep.

I don't care about your problems.

Doing a magic act
and spending time with the man she loved...

had been Veronica's way to relieve stress.

Since that pressure wasn't being relieved,
it was coming out in other ways.

It started harmlessly.

But she needed more.

'Sup, V-ness? I got your mail on.

Looks like a shout-out
from the "C" to the "E" to the "O."

Finally, she found something that worked.

Ahh. There we go.

And for the next few days,
Veronica slapped her stress away.

I'll take some coffee.
Anything but Dutch blend.

Sorry. All we have is Dutch blend.

Maybe just a bagel.


I checked your computer, Miss Palmer.
It can't be fixed.

How 'bout now?

So, people are not loving the slapping.

You think I like it?
Touching all those strange faces?

- It's gross.
- Plus, you could get fired.

I mean, it is a weird-ass thing to do.

Yes, Ted. I know.
I shouldn't hit people on the staff.

I've been hearing that since grade school.

I think you need to look at
the bigger problem here.

Clearly, crawling around a stage on all fours
with a dove in your thong...

has kept you from acting crazy.

First of all, you're way off
on how the trick is done.

Also, now that I've been exposed...

I have to choose between my two lives,
and I'm choosing this one.

Veronica, you love Mordor.
You love working with him.

You can't just throw away a part of who you are.

You know I'm right.

- Don't do it.
- The hand wants what the hand wants.

Don't do it.

We're cool.

Luckily, Mordor was in town for a big show...

so I went to see him, hoping to get him
to call Veronica so they'd get back together.

I'm not talking to that woman. I've worked
for years to get a show in this town...

and then when I finally do,
she just disappears forever, like my first rabbit...

and my mom...

and everybody else
who's ever come into my life.

Look, Veronica needs you,
and I think you need her.

- Yeah? What makes you so sure?
- Help! I'm trapped!

Save me with your magic!

There's a latch, remember?

Sorry, Kevin.

- It's Mordor.
- Oh.

Look, Veronica told me she loves you,
and she does not love easily.

She is like a Portuguese water dog in that way.

Oh, I just met this cute veterinarian,
and she says things like that...

then has to explain it, like I am now.

I'm sorry. I won't call Veronica.
She sawed my heart in half!

And it wasn't one of those plastic hearts
that come in two pieces...

in the kit with the pair of fake legs.

Damn it.
I keep telling people how my tricks are done.

I'm guessing that's not you eating sushi
off that naked woman...

and not just because you're allergic to mercury.

I figured it out.
What's been missing from my life is confidence.

That's the only thing keeping me
from being Byron McNertny.

- Well, then you're screwed.
- Or am I?

I'm thinking confidence
may be one of those things...

people can't tell if you really have
or are just pretending to have...

like the female orgasm.

So you're saying by just acting confident,
you can McNertny-nize yourself?

That is my theory.

Well, then as men of science,
let's put it to the test.

McNertny's always surrounded by women.

Let's see if, using nothing but confidence,
you can attract one.

But I'm married to a woman who seethes...

with both indifference and jealousy.

Y- You don't have to sex the female.
Just get her phone number.

You talked to Mordor?

How did he look? Is he okay?

Did you touch his chest? It's so hard not to.

No. Linda's setting me up with a friend of hers...

so I think I'm gonna see where that goes first.

Veronica, you left him right before
one of the biggest nights of his life.

- He'll be fine.
- Listen, he needs you.

Kristi, his new assistant, she thought
that abracadabra was a country in Europe.

Kristi. The waitress from the lounge.

She's an idiot. She could get Mordor killed.

You have to be smart to be an assistant.

You have to be totally in sync
with your magician...

know when to pull the wire,
slip him the key, ice his nipples.

Well, after meeting Kristi...

looks like Mordor's gonna have to
pick a lock with flaccid nipples.

All right, damn it.
I'll do the show one last time.

Only because I know how important it is
and I can't leave him hanging.

Well, occasionally, I leave him hanging,
but it's part of the act.

Or sometimes foreplay.

So, the number for the pizza place is on the fridge.
You know how to get in touch with me.

And don't let Rose on the computer.
She's grounded from the Internet.

Did you see some pictures you shouldn't have?

- I bought a boat.
- Notjust any boat.

It sleeps 12, and we're not keeping it.

Well, have fun, you two.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- There's nothing I wouldn't do.
- I know. I was your roommate.

All right. You guys have fun.

- Good night.
- Good night!

So, why aren't you dating my dad?

Well, because it's complicated.

Sometimes grown-ups
find themselves at different places...

and they're not always open to the-

Oh! I have a boyfriend. That's why.
I don't know why I spaced on that.

And while I was getting to know someone new...

Phil was trying to be someone new.

- Well, hello there.
- Hello.

Phil Mymen, scientist.

Two people behind you in the lunch line yesterday.

I trust you enjoyed your... applesauce?

It was fine. Apples and sauce.
What could be bad about that?

I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to correct you.

It's actually apples made into sauce.

So, phone numbers.
Those things are crazy, right?

- Mmm.
- Can I help you with something?

Maybe. Do you know her phone number?

Yeah. It's the same as mine.

Well, don't pick up when I call.

- And then what happened?
- She told the waiter it was my birthday.

- So they brought me a cake and they sang to me.
- Oh. So she's a liar.

I know what you're getting at, Rose.

- You want me to be with Linda, but it's not gonna happen.
- I have an opinion about that.

Well, it's not up to you, honey.

When you call the shots,
we end up buying boats.

A boat. One time.


I think we're done here.

Good morning, Lem.

Oh, my God! Women!

They think just because they're stronger,
they can get away with anything.

No. It wasn't a woman. It was her boyfriend.

Men. They think just because they're stronger,
they can get a-

No, no. It was a good thing.

He saw me as a threat. I'm a scientist, Lem.

I've been a threat to humanity,
the environment, even Jupiter once...

but never to a hot girl's boyfriend.

I have goose bumps.

It's like this is the beginning
of a whole new Phil.

Actually, no.
I looked down Byron McNertny Road...

and it leads straight to the emergency room.

No. I've decided I'm gonna stick with who I am.

W- Well, isn't there some sort of middle ground?


- And then what happened?
- We had some free birthday cake and talked for a while.

- Can we go to lunch now?
- W-You don't seem very excited.

Let me just show you what you could have here.

We developed this search engine...

so I pulled together
a bunch of stuff on Ted for you to see.

- Here he is at the company picnic,
playing volleyball.

Look at his muscles when he serves.

Oh! And in this one,
he's helping Rose onto a ride at Disneyland.

Look at his face- the way he looks at her.

So concerned and caring.
It just melts your heart.

Oh, my God. You're obsessed with Ted.

- That's ridiculous!
- Look at you.

You spend more time thinking about Ted
than you do your own boyfriend.

Well, maybe I could focus on my boyfriend
if someone would take Ted off the table.

Is that why you want me to go out with him-
to make him unavailable?


I just thought we'd make a great couple. You'd!

You'd make a great couple. Oh! Are we gonna
stay here all day, or are we gonna go eat lunch?

To help the man she loves,
Veronica decided to do one last show.

I'm here to support her.
She doesn't want to get nervous...

so she told me to sit in the back
where she can't see me.

Come on! Let's all sit in the front
where she can see us!

Oh, God. Veronica's gonna freak out.

Plus, they have better seats than me,
so I'm not happy either.

Ted, what are you doing backstage?

And get in here quick. You'll let the dove out.

I like to let him flap his wings a little.

Tire him out before I load him in.

Okay. I gotta know.
What is the last thing the dove sees?

He's blindfolded. It's better for both of us.
What do you want, Ted?

Well, I came to warn you so that you're not
surprised when you go on stage.

There's a bunch of people here from work.

What? I can't do the show
in front of people from work.

They're just here to laugh at me.
I'm not going on.

Veronica, if you go out there
with self-respect and confidence...

they'll be the ones who look foolish.

Halfway through the act,
I drink from a large saucer of milk.

- Wow.
- And then Mordor and I bathe in it.

The first two rows have to wear ponchos.

Listen, you have to do this.
You should be true to yourself.

If you're not, it would be
like telling the guy you love...

that you're ashamed of who you are together.

Are you ready, Athena? Oh! Hey, Ted.

Listen, if you don't mind,
Athena and I have a preshow ritual.

It's kind of a prayer/sex thing.

So if you could leave
or find something to read?

So, what's it gonna be?

It's gonna be one hell of a show.

And then we're gonna do some magic.

The act was a side
of Veronica we had never seen.

And you totally could not tell
where she kept the dove.

One, two-



And after that night,
no one ever laughed at Veronica again.

Veronica, how can you leave all this?

I'm not going anywhere.

After that,
Veronica wasn'tjust her old self...

she was something better.

She was whole.

Hey, V. Sorry your mail's wet.

Had to fish it out the toilet, yo. Crazy story.

Here you go.
If it happens again, you're fired.

And having accepted who he was...

Phil said good-bye to the rodeo not taken.

And Linda also
realized something about herself.

Don, we went over this last night.

I haven't been honest with myself.

This just isn't the right relationship for me.

I'm sorry.

Flowers? What are these for?

Ever since my wife left,
I have been sitting on the sidelines...

afraid to get back in the game,
and that's not me.

You made me realize I want to be with somebody.

- You do?
- Yeah.

It felt really great to be with Rebecca.

And I want to see her again.
She's smart and funny and cute.

Yeah. Yeah, I told you
you guys would be great together.

Well, anyway, thanks. You're the best.

Yo, Linda! Bad news.

Your mail's wet. Crazy story!

Yo, where's my quarter?

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