Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 12 - Jabberwocky - full transcript

Ted steals money to give Linda a secret "green" project. When Veronica asks about the missing money, Ted tells her about a fictional, "revolutionary" project, which soon becomes the talk of the company.


The environment...

Everyone likes it,
and so we do, too.

That's why we're committed
to saving.

Veridian dynamics is turning
every one of our buildings

100% green.

It's ridiculously expensive

and spending money makes us sad.

But we're doing it
because we love nature,

even when it's being mean

or just acting stupid...

I'm an honest guy, and yet,
I'm about to lie to 2,000 people.

We're in it now. Ted.
Go big or go home.

I can go home?

That stage is your home. Go.

So how did I get here?

Because I like a girl,

specifically this girl.

And like so many stories
about a girl,

this one starts with gunplay.

OK, fellas.
What are we looking at here?

This is the new unbreakable dinnerware
we've been developing.

It's made from our new polymer, yo.

When you talk like that,
it just makes you whiter.

- How much does this weigh?
- 8 pounds, 4 ounces.

- 8 pounds?
- 4 ounces.

I know I asked for an unbreakable dish,
but it doesn't have to take a bullet.

What kind of dinner parties
do you go to?

Show me a lighter version.

- We've disappointed him.
- No one would want to be us now,

and since we are us,
it's very difficult.


- Where are we on the...
- unbreakable dinnerware?

- It's not really...
- Well, then just...

- I don't think we've to go that far.
- Good,

- but make sure...
- I will.

We have worked together so long,
we have a shorthand,

an understanding, a trust.

I saw this Veridian commercial that
said they're greening their buildings.

Sure. The company does
a lot of good things, like...

- Greening their buildings?
- There's one.

They also have stopped
their logging operations.

Because they ran out of trees.

What do you want?

I was hoping maybe I could work
with the group doing our building.

I was reading this stuff about
roof gardens. They're amazing.

They can cut air conditioning costs
by 30%.

Plus, our roof would look 70% prettier,
so that's 100% right there.


Well, the math seems sound.

- Let me clear it with Veronica.
- Really? Excellent. Thank you.

That was just platonic...

- Oh, yeah, I got that.
- 'cause I've a boyfriend...

- 'Cause you weren't interested in me.
- It wasn't you.

Why bringing this up?
Just go get me my garden.

There is no program
to green the building.

They made a commercial about it.

I didn't say there wasn't a commercial

I said there is no program.

So it's all a lie?

They prefer to look at it as a dream.

But one they're not working towards.

Are you working toward
all of your dreams, Ted?

Then stop pointing fingers.

How am I gonna tell Linda the one
Veridian project she believes in

is all a big lie?

She sometimes has a problem
with what we do here.

If we make this, it could kill
all the world's fish.

But, boy, does it whiten teeth.

- All the world's fish or just...
- Why are we even talking about this?

There she is.
I'm just gonna tell her the truth.


You're in.

- Or completely lie to her.
- Really? That's fantastic.

It's a dream come true.

I didn't see anything.

The rest of the team is working
on other really good green projects,

so you're gonna do
the roof garden by yourself.

- Wow. That's a lot of work.
- So don't do it.

- I want to do it.
- All right.

But you can't tell anybody .

The company has classified this
as confidential.

But it's a good thing. Why does
it need to be confidential?

Because, uh, if only bad things
were confidential,

When there's something "confidential,"
people would know it was bad

- That's weird.
- I know. So don't do it.

I want to do it.

Good. Welcome to the team...

Which is only you.

So I lied. But you saw that face.
Who wouldn't lie to that face?

Look at all this stuff.

All right, guys.
Let's get it on the roof.

Plus, I figure if she's successful,

I can sell it as a prototype
for all Veridian buildings.

Welcome to the big city, fellas.

So what's the deal?
Are you guys fighting or having sex?

I know.
One always follows the other.

To fund the project,
I had to move some money around.

I've never done
anything like that before,

but people do it all the time, right?

At a company this big, no one
ever notices where the money is.

Ted, I've noticed some money's missing,
and I need to know where it is.

Do you know where the money is?
Because the company loves its money.

The money, it's not missing.

- Good. Then where is it?
- Well, it's...

It's been moved to...

The Jabberwocky project.


You know about Jabberwocky?

You're higher up the chain
than I am.

It's going to revolutionize
the way we do business.

- Don't tell me you don't know about...
- Of course I know about Jabberwocky.

It's gonna revolutionize
the way we do business.

You obviously know
more about it than I do.

And I always will.
Keep me posted.

There's no Jabberwocky project.

I don't normally lie to Veronica.
In fact, I never do.

But I had to cover the lie
I told Linda.

What the...

Veronica didn't question me

'Cause the worst thing that can happen
is to be out of the loop.

If you're out of the loop,
you're out of a job.

You wanted to see me, Chet?

There's some money missing
from your department.

It's not missing.

It's been moved to the
Jabberwocky project.

Yes. That's right.

I see.

You do know about Jabberwocky,

don't you?

Of course I do. I just
didn't know that you knew.

How could I not know?
It's in my department.

Isn't it?


So we both know what it is.

Yes. We do.

Don't we?

Yes, we do.

Ted, we now have a plate
that weighs less than 5 ounces.

And it's still unbreakable.

- Watch.
- You can't fire a gun in here.

Alan ruined that for everybody.

But check this out.

Yqou were right.

That polymer could burst
into flames on high impact.

You owe me a smoothie.

I'm going to leave this here.

Sorry about that, Kathy.

But better than that time
Alan shot at you, right?

I'm gonna have to pull the plug
on this thing.


What if we could come up
with a use for a burning plate?

A plate you could also
cook your food on.

- A plate that is also a stove.
- Aplove.

Yeah, I don't think so.
Everyone goes through a slump.

Did you hear that? Now he
thinks we're in a slump.

Oh, god. My mom's gonna be so upset.

She hates when we disappoint Ted.

- You don't have to tell her everything.
- You don't know her.

She gets things out of you.

It's revolutionize the way
we do business.

I gotta get on this Jabberwocky thing.

My wife is pregnant again. I need a

I'll put in a good word for you.

- You're on Jabberwocky?
- Cleared half my schedule for it.

It's a freakin' game-changer.

Just once in my career,
I'd like to change a game.

Oh, man, this lie is spreading
like mayonnaise at a baptist picnic.

This is crazy. I haven't gotten
anything done all day.

Everyone just keeps pestering me
to get on Jabberwocky.

- I was talking to Brett and...
- I'm going through a tunnel.

I'll call you back.

Listen, Veronica,
I need to tell you something.

Hey, guys. Isn't this a great day?
I am so happy.

I need to tell you
that she is so happy.

- Can I borrow him for a second?
- She needs to borrow me for a second.

I wish I had the power
to make everyone go away.

Oh, wait. I do.

Here, taste this tea.

- Why?
- Just taste it.

- How do you like it?
- I don't know. It tastes like tea.

- It's made from urine.
- God.

Don't worry. It's safe.

It's safe, but it's
also made from urine.

You need to work on your flirting.

Larry in engineering gave me
this water purification system,

and I've been talking to people about
things we can do to green the building.

You're supposed to be working
on the confidential.

- Don't take on any more than that.
- Why not?

Why not? Why not?
You remember Alan?

Remember how much he tried to take on?
Think about it.

- Why aren't we on Jabberwocky?
- We need to be on it.

Oh, I thought we decided
to go with aggressive.

All right, I give up.
I gotta tell you the truth.

- There's no Jabberwocky.
- Don't give me that crap!

Too aggressive. Felt it
as soon as it came out.

I'm telling you, it doesn't exist.
I made it up.

Come on.

When my mom hears you didn't put
us on it, she's gonna change the locks.

Guys, there's no such thing as...
Wait, your mom knows about it?

He tells her everything,
Ted. It's a sickness.

He's cutting us out.
Because we failed him.

- We need to make him believe in us.
- Agreed.

- It's nice to see you calm.
- I hated what I was turning into.

Jabberwocky was getting out of control.
I had to kill it,

the best way to kill a rumor is
with another rumor.

Keep this to yourself,
I hear it's not a game-changer at all.

I hear it's a game-staying-the-samer.

Total career-killer.
People can't leave it fast enough.

Don't go anywhere near it.

I'm telling you this
'cause I like you...

Unfortunately, Jabberwocky
had gotten too big.

It's like trying to kill
a bear with a chopstick.

I'm not saying it can't be done,
it's just super-duper hard.

And so we're looking for a way to make
Ted feel good about us again

Any ideas?

I don't know.
Buy him a candle.

That's not gonna fly.
Ted hates things that light on fire.

- Ted likes Linda.
- You wanna give him Linda?

I wasn't thinking that, but...

I will be given to no man!

I saw that in a movie once.


What if we just help her with
whatever project she's working on?

Yeah, Ted might
appreciate us doing that.

Say, Linda, what are you working on?

Oh, you're talking to me again.

Well, I'm not supposed to tell anyone,
but I could use some help.

I'm building a roof garden,
and I need

a super energy-efficient way
to light it at night.

- Have you considered a plove?
- No, forget the plove.

What about bioluminescence?

Fireflies have been using it
for 200 million years.

Fireflies... the flaming plates
of the insect world.

Thank you.

You don't have to thank me
every time I say "hello,"

but it's nice to hear.

OK. Do it.

No, I mean, i love this project.
I'm not supposed to say anything,

- but I really appreciate it.
- So you're working on it, too.

- Day and night.
- I see.

Then tell me, Linda, how's it going?

Tell me anything.

Even the littlest thing
would be great to hear.

Well, the worms are thriving,
and I got Ted to drink urine.

Hi, Ted. Just trying
to get to know you better.

By going through my files?

You're such a closed book.

I don't know what Jabberwocky is.

It's the most exciting project,

and all I know is that
it involves worms and urine.

There is no Jabberwocky.

- What?
- I made the whole thing up.

You lied to me?

I know. It was wrong.

I needed to move some money around
so Linda could build her roof garden.

A roof garden?
Oh, for god sakes, Ted.

Why don't you do her already?

Do you know what trouble we're in now?
This is all they're talking about.

In a couple of hours,
we're presenting it to the division.

Why'd you agree to that?

Really, is that your strategy,

let's make this Veronica's fault?
You're the only person I told.

Wow. It is your strategy.
That is so thin.

All right, let's not panic.

Why don't we tell them that Jabberwocky
is Linda's project?

'Cause they don't care about greening
the building. It's not gonna happen.

- How am I gonna tell that to Linda?
- Why don't you start like this?

"Hey, Linda, can I borrow some money?
'cause I just lost my job."

You're right.
Why are we even talking about Linda?

We have to focus on this presentation.

We need to come up with a product
that no one has ever seen before.

And it better be good. They've already
signed a contract with James earl Jones

to be the voice of...

So here we go again.

Because of a girl,
I'm about to lie to 2,000 people.

We're in it now, Ted.
Go big or go home.

I can go home?

That stage is your home. Go.

Business is changing...
Changing at the speed of information.

Whoever adapts first...


In order to compete, we innovate.

In order to innovate, we redefine.

And how do we redefine?

With a new definition.

This is going great.

Imagine if we'd come up with a product.

Products are for people
who don't have presentations.

Imagine a new way to do business
that's faster than a cheetah...

More powerful than...

Another cheetah.

I only had an hour to pull
stuff off the Internet.

A way of doing business
more magnificent than...

A fish.

Or a whale.

Sure, there were a few hiccups...

But not having a product
wasn't slowing us down at all.

So what is it?

What is it exactly that's gonna
revolutionize the way we do business?

Simple. It's...


The game is changing right now.

Coming in 2012.

So do you understand
what Jabberwocky is?

Of course I do, you idiot.
Don't you?

Yeah. I was just seeing
if you needed me to explain it to you.

I love being applauded.

If I had a tape of that,
I'd fall asleep to it every night.

It was a great evening, although
I'm still angry about the flash pop.

That would've looked so cool!

Ted, don't ever lie to me again.

I'm sorry. I won't.

Too many people get hurt.

The next thing you know, you're buying
James earl Jones an muffin basket.

And you're not
a very good liar, anyway.

But that's OK.
Neither am I.

Now that's how it's done.

There are a lot of bad things
about lying.

But the worst thing

is when you have to tell the truth.

So this project never existed?

Then this whole thing was pointless?

No, it wasn't.

Look around.
Look how beautiful this is.

You did this.

You made a difference
right on this rooftop.

I hope you're not upset.

You stole from the company for me.

How could a girl be mad
at someone that does that?

You're like my thief
in shining armor.

If we're gonna hug,
you're starting it.

Good evening,.

- I was past the greeting.
- Don't.

We were working with Linda
on this project,

and we are about
to light up this rooftop

without using a single watt
of electricity.

- Impossible, you say?
- I didn't say anything.

It's not!

Behold the power of biolunescence.

It's so pretty.

We took the plants' d. N. a.,

spliced in the
bioluminescent properties of fireflies.

We call them... Fireflowers.

Nice work, fellas.
I'm impressed.

- Really?
- Yeah. In fact,

The company might be interested
in something like this.

- We're back.
- And we're proud.

What was that?

A fire-squirrel.

A week later, we found another benefit
of Linda's roof garden,

although the fire-squirrel
turned out to be a mistake...

Driven mad by not being able to sleep
due to its constant glowing.

As for the Jabberwocky project,

we never did have to figure out
what the hell it was.

Because after our presentation,
the company was so excited,

they fast-tracked it
and shipped it to Japan.


What they shipped, I'm still
trying to figure out...

And so are the Japanese.

I understand it,
I just think it would be better.