Better Off Ted (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 11 - Father, Can You Hair Me? - full transcript

Veronica! A quick question.

What is it with everyone and their questions this morning?

"Where did you learn to drive?", "will you marry me?",

"why would you say that to my baby?"

Rose is running for 3rd grade class president.
And some of the guys from the print shop

whipped out these campaign posters.

What do you think? Too much? Not enough?

Ted, you don't have to go through all this.

Just say the word and the election's hers.

We did for Iceland, and we can do it for your kid.

Oh! Flowers!



Look at you. Having a girly moment.

Crap on a cracker.
And she's back.

From my stinking father.

I need status report on every
product we have in the pipeline.

I should explain.

Veronica and her dad don't have what you
call a traditional father-daughter relationship.

Veronica's father is Elijah Palmer,
CEO of Digivation industries.

One of our company main rivals.

Digivation Industries has long been working

to develop a new more powerful battery.

One that could last up to seven years.

Veronica and her dad are both extremely competitive.

And have an history of stealing prodycts from each others companies.

So ...



I am proud to stand here today to present to you...

Absolutely nothing. Thank you all for coming.

It's a little cat and mouse game they play,

instead of having a normal healthy relationship.

Hover shoes. Brilliant.

You better take a look at this.

And every time one of them steals an idea from the other,

the winner sends the loser a thankyou present.

Hey, did you guys hear? Digivation is coming
up with a new weight-loss toothpaste.

Damn it!

Aren't we developing something like that?

Oh! Flowers!

They really steal product ideas from each other?

That's a whole new kind of crazy.
Well, it's a little strange...

But I am the last one to judge.
My father and I hardly speak.

We're like Oil and... what's that thing that's always disappointing Oil?

Oh, yeah . It's me.

My dad and I totally love each other.

Oh, I'm sorry. Does your obvious pain
make that an insensitive thing to say?

No. No, I am totally fine with the fact that nothing I have ever done

or will do, could ever please my father. Or make up for the fact

that I did not become the plumber,
he so desperately wanted me to be.

I talk to my dad every week.
Oh.

Well, usually, my mom takes the phone,
but that's ok, 'cause I totally love her too.

And sometimes grandma picks up the phone...
Oh, that's fantastic,

there's a whole lot of love in your family and not in mine.

You should get the "Family of the Year" award.
Do they have one of those?

Because we would totally kick ass.

I just talked to Linda about her father... man...

I'm never gonna do that again!

I have the best ad.

All he ever want was for me to have a better life than him.

So what's your deal?

Oh, my dad died when I was three.

Oh ... so, he may have been a horrible man.

A horrible man who died saving
30 people from a burning bus.

The newspapers said his last words were

he loved me more than all the stars in the universe.

Now that I'm a scientist I know that meant his love was infinite

and ever expanding.

My father once got kicked out of a
zoo for giving a monkey a cigarette.

So, what's the result on the wrinkle cream?

It's a disaster.
A debacle.

A disastercle.

The synthetic skin graf show no increase

in suppleness or elasticity.

All that's happening is they're growing thick strands of hair.

It's like my aunt's chin before she plucks it for church.

This happens every time?
Yes , we failed. You stop screaming at us.

Guys, you didn't fail! You're growing hair!

This is the Holy Grail of Reasearch and Development.

Every R&D department in the country is looking for this.

This discovery could make us legends.

I love when Ted's happy.
Me too.

I know just the song we should sing when he leaves.

We're making Ted happy and we're going to go down in history.

God, my dad is gonna be so proud.

I'll drop the proposal and get the paperwork at it.

If all goes well, we could start work on this by next fall.

Next fall? No, we can't wait that long. We gotta keep moving.

But... what about protocol?
Forget protocol!

Did Einstein stop to fill out paperwork
before discovering his theory of relativity?

Actually, he was a patent clerk, so all he did was filling out paperwork.

Guys, keep going.

If this is successful, we could do to the comb over
what Einstein did to...

Newtonian physics.

See? I know things about stuff.

Ok, honey. So, you just introduce you, you walk in front of the class.

You're projecting this strength and
leadership of a future class president.

You have smartly peed before hand, so you're not all squirmy

Dad, can I say my speech while I'm still on third grade?

Yes, sorry... go ahead.

Hi, I'm Rose.

Vote for me.

Please.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And the crowd goes wild.

That was great.
You know, the only thing that class president does

is go to student councils meetings, and feed the gerbils.

I don't even know if I want to win.

The gerbils kind of a junk.

Of course you want to win,
honey, you're just nervous.

But you are gonna be great.

I'm gonna go take a bath, maybe color a little.

You know, unwind.

I always encourage Rose to dream big,

because the only thing my father have encouraged
me to do is be a plumber, like him.

You biked all the way down here to tell me you wanna go to spacecamp?

Come on, try to live here on Earth with the rest of us, Teddy.

While I was trying to be a good dad,

Veronica's dad had gotten under her skin.

So she called the guys from corporate intelligence
to help her get some daughterly payback.

Nobody steals my weight-loss toothpaste and gets away with it.

I want to bring him to his knees.

No, I will steal his kneeds, can we do that?

Well, joints stealing technology is still years away but...

our inside at Digivation did gave us a lead on one of the hotter projects.

Marine mammal communication.

That you talk to whales. The device...

That doesn't work.
Dad!

Or rather, it does work, but it's useless.

The whales are shallowed tweets. All
they do is gossip and spread rumors.

It's like talking to teenage girls.

Well, you'd know all about that.

Gentlemen, please excuse us.
Yes , off you go fellas.

There's a large woman on the fourth floor with of
our listening device embedded in her derriere.

See if you can sniff it out.

So...

Obviously, that whale thing is a winner
or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.

Unless it's really a loser and I'm pretending
it's a loser, to make you think it's a winner.

Or am I pretending to think it's a winner, when I actually know that's a loser

because you said it was loser to make me think it's a winner.

So... the student become the master.

Or the student has always been the master,

but wanted the master to think the master was
the master, when he was actually just a student.

This conversation is why your mother left us.

That and the fact that you poured your way through my sorory.

Look, Ted.

We were able to successfully grow hair on a
living organism which previously had no hair.

Here! Three, no longer bald, potatoes.

We isolated the follicle generating coumpoud and atomized it into...

an aerosol.
This is incredible.

I want to start testing.
But we are testing.

See, testers...

testies, testing.

You said testies?

Oh my God, that's hilarious.
Guys.

Focus. I mean human testing.

Ted, we can't test it on humans,

there's a whole protocol we have to follow.

But first we have to test it on a rat,
then a bat, then for some reason a hat,

I think that started as a typo.
Then a cat...

Forget about it guys, I'm telling you, I want you to speed this along.

No.

What?

He said no.

At least, I think that's what he said. There's...

a lot of blood rushing through my ears right now.

We are not mad scientists, Ted, regardless
of what our bowling shirts might say.

Guys, when I ask you to do
something, I expect you to do it.

Apparently

we're standing our ground.

Fine.

Then I'm gonna get you bowling shirts that say "boss-disappointing, protocol-loving

unlegendary scientists "

We are working hard to make your life better.

But our competitor, Digivation, wants to ruin your life.

Since Digivation was founded 50
years ago, millions have died.

Millions more have become sad.

What's your problem, Digivation?

You came here to call a truce?

'Cause I want things to be different between us now.

You must be sitting on something huge,

something so big you can't stand the thought of me stealing it.

There's something I need to tell you.

Ted.

Mr. Palmer.

Is that your dad?

Why are you throwing him out of the building?

He says he is dying.

I know it's not my place to say anything,
but... my God, what is wrong with you?

You mean, why do let employees to talk to me that way?

Your father is dying, and you throw him out of the building?

Oh, please, he's not dying.

What is this? Dutch blend? I hate Dutch blend.

And the Dutch too. Those people are lunatics,

with their wooden shoes and their fatty sausages.

What about your father?

I don't know how he feels about the
Dutch, Linda. You'll have to ask him.

I mean, how do you know he's not dying?

Because I know how the man works. He's after something,
I just don't know what it is yet.

Do you know the Dutch celebrate Christmas by throwing fruit at each other?

I read that once.

But what if he really is dying.

What if it's not a lie, like all that stuff you just said about the Dutch?

It can't be true. People don't just...

Well, people do, but not my father.

I mean, really, it's not in his nature to die.

I have to check something.

Veronica. What are you doing here?

And who is this man?
This is my physician?

Dr.... something-berg.
Rosenbaum.

Rosenberg.
Rosenbaum.

Stop arguing with me. That's not why we're here.

I need to confirm that you're full of crap, not tumors.

Well?

He is telling the truth. That says he's gonna about a year left.

What? That's impossible.

Oh, my God. My dad is dying.

There, there.

At least now you'll have something to talk to your sister about

besides all her stupid babies.

Phil and Lem have refused to move forward

on the hair growth formula.

So I stole a sample and when they run downstairs to the ice cream truck.

I'm gonna test it on myself.

I know I'm being a little impatient, but...

this project hits very close to home.

So you made the chess team. One step closer

to your life dream of being a giant nerd.

Oh! Look at me. I'm valedictorian.

whoopty-damn-doo

Business school? The only business I care about

is the one people do in their toilets.

Tell me something, Teddy, when are you gonna get your
head out of your butt and do something useful,

like figure out how to make that toupet that doesn't awol

every time I crowl under a damn a sink?

All my life I tried to make my dad happy,

and I've never been able to.

Until now,

because now, I'm gonna give him something
ten times better than a toupet.

And no, I don't mean ten toupets.

My dad's sixtieth birthday is coming up.

I was going to give him this.

But now...

I'm gonna give him this.

Hair.

It worked.

We're almost out of orange juice

and I don't want to be class president.
What?

What's going on?
Well,

I opened the refrigerator...
Rose.

I just don't want to spend all my recesses in meetings.

I'd rather play in the sandbox and make mud pies.

Honey, you're just nervous.

Look, I know it's not easy, but I
really think you should stick with it.

You're gonna be the best class president ever.

Allright.
Allright?

Good.

Being better than the last won't be hard.

He ate pencils and kept calling our teacher "mommy."

You were right. My father really is dying.

Congratulations, cancer whisperer. You win.

Oh, Veronica. I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Linda.

You'll get through this.

I know I will. I'm trying to support you.

So, how are you feeling?

Oh. We're gonna talk about feelings now. Ok ...

Sad.

Yeah. It had to be felt.

Veronica, you need to spend time with him,
do father-daughter things

that don't invole stealing secrets.

Indeed, steals his heart, fill it with love and then give it back.

But not literally. That would be murder.

Maybe you're right.

I should connect with him before it's too late.

Luckily I always done my best work under deadlines.

And so, Veronica set up to start the
relationship with her father she never had.

At first, it was a little confusing.

So, they decided to do activities together.

I made a list of the advantages and
disadvantages of standing up to Ted

because I stood up to Ted and wanted
to know if there were any advantages.

There are none.
That's why I tried to stop you.

Ted is like the angle opposite the hypotenuse. He is always right.

You did not try to stop me.

I tried to try, but nothing came out.

My head was screaming "No!", but my mouth was chewing gum.

Hope he's not mad at us.

We never stood up to Ted before.

Technically, I still haven't.

Guys.

I need to see you in my office.

It's about the hair growth formula.

Is it terrified in here, or is it just me?

So I snugged some of the spray in my office,

and tried it on my arm,

and it worked.

Of course it did, because we said it wasn't
ready for human testing and you said it was.

"We", There's a lot of "we" talk happening here

and I don't think Ted cares for it.

My desk is having a bad hair day.

That's a little weird, huh?

Incredible.

The papilla are planting themselves on anything porous.

When you used the aerosol, the overspray
must have hit these exposed surfaces.

You know what that means?
Yes.

The mutant follicles have turned parasitic,

and are generating at an astronomical rate.

And... I was right to question Ted.

Yes, we were.

Just let me handle this.
Yes, you were rigth to question.

I was trying so hard to impress my dad, I lost sight of

well, all the smooth surfaces of my desk.

Anyway ...

I'm sorry.

We're cool.

What's that growing out of your cuff?

That would be my new shoulder hair.

I had moral superiority

Phil and Lem went to work trying to
find a solution to the hair in my office.

While Lem and Phil are working for a more permanent solution

I'm just trying to keep my office from
looking like this girl I used to date.

It a long story, but yes, she looked like a desk with hair.

What is going on in here?

Are you shaving your office furniture?

Well, it's not gonna shave itself.

Ok, here's the deal. There was this experiment...

Enough said. I know how those go.

Last week I had that genetically altered koala flying around my office.

While you're here...

So...

Thank you. How are things with your father?

Well, we spent all yesterday together but it never felt right.

Am I a horrible person?
Well, I don't know anything about fathers either.

Chasing a relationship with mine could
turn the whole world into a giant fur ball.

What my father and I had worked for us.

Why am I trying to change it?

Oh, and Ted ...

stop torturing your desk.

I got a Russian girl who can get that thing bikini ready in 20 minutes.

A few days later, Phil and Lem figured
out a solution to the hair problem.

Mr. Palmer had also been thinking about
his new relationship with Veronica.

Huh, Mr. Palmer?

I'm Linda, I'm a friend of your...

well, not really a friend of your daughter.
More of a colleague. No...

I'm definitely not a colleague.
We are not equals in any way.

I guess if you force me to define the relationship...

Young lady...

are you awara that I have only one year to live?

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to say how great I think it is
that you and Veronica are finally connecting

after all these years.
Thank you very much, that's very sweet.

What are you doing for lunch?

I... I thought that you and Veronica were going out.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Of course. We are going out.

That'll be fun.

We've been having so much... fun.

You know, every year my parents and I
rent a RV and go across the country.

You should try it with Veronica sometime.

Last year we saw the world's biggest
thermometer. It did not dispappoint.

And we visited a town that has a dog for a mayor.

He's the only mayor in Illinois that when you scratch its stomach

he looks like he's trying to start a motorcycle.

That's on the brochure. I think I have it here somewhere.

Wow, such a lot going on in this country.

No wonder America is trying to eat itself to death.

Hey, dad.

Are you ready to go to lunch?

Yes, I thouht we could go...

Veronica realised what kind of relationship
she wanted with her father.

I just need to go down the hall a minute. I'll be right back.

Ok.

But left it up to him to decide what kind he wanted with her.

And so they agreed to spend the remaining time together doing what they enjoyed most.

Send them back, with a dozen smiley face cookies.

He just ruined millions of dollars developing a hair product

that's technically a parasite.

And I realized that, rather than trying to change
something about my father that I couldn't

I'd better to focus on being a better dad than my old man,

and accept my kid for who she is and what she wants.

Honey.

You don't have to run for class president if you don't want to.

Really?

I can quit?

To play in the mud?

You are the best dad ever.

Sure, I wanted Rose to become class president.

But it's not something she wanted for herself.

And come on! We all heard her campaign speech.

And to whether my dad likes my gift or not...

I'm really not gonna worry about it.