Better Call Saul (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Cobbler - full transcript

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(TICKING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(MUMBLES)

(EXHALES)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(OFF KEY NOTE PLAYS)

(MUMBLES)

(EXHALES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(SIGHS)

Howard.
Morning.



Delivery for McGill.

(CHUCKLES)
What are you doing here?

Ah, it's been a while.
Thought I should come
and check in on you.

Did I hear music?

Hmm?
No. No. I was just...

Let me get that for you.
Yep.

(SIGHS)

It's good to see you,
Howard.
Oh, likewise.

You are sorely missed,
my friend.

Don't take that as
any undue pressure.

Um...

I'm thinking of
maybe coming in
for an hour or two next week.

Kind of play it by ear.

Well, if you feel
comfortable.



I mean, we certainly
would love to have you.

We will take
anything we can get.

I'll figure out a day,

and get Ernesto to
give you a heads-up.

That sounds great.

How's Ernie working out?

Ah, he's been fine.
For the most part.

Excellent.

Everything on
track with Sandpiper?

Moving along.

Davis and Main are really
pulling their weight.

They better.
It's a complex case.

Well, it's definitely not
a two-man job,

that's for sure.
Yeah.

Anyone heard from Jimmy?

I have, yes.
I've talked to him.

How is he?

He's fine. Doing well.

Speaking of which,
I have some news.

He's working at
Davis and Main.

Doing what?

Working as an attorney.

Hmm.

Clifford Main hired Jimmy?
Mmm-hmm.

To be fair,
he had his doubts.

But he's giving
Jimmy a chance.

He had his own people
doing client outreach,

but every time
they would talk to
a Sandpiper resident,

Jimmy's name would come up.

Yeah... (INHALES)

Those old folks,
they just...
They love him.

Yeah, they do.
Hmm.

Plus, I guess,
Cliff thought it
would be a good idea

for the case to
have that sort of uh,

you know, continuity.

Hmm.

Jimmy certainly has
a way with people.

He does.

They're aware
of his background
at Davis and Main?

His education?

In the spirit of
full disclosure,

Cliff did talk
to me beforehand.

I didn't pull any punches.
I tried to paint
a complete picture.

But I didn't stand
in the way.

Of course not.

Nor should you.

Truth be told,

Kim Wexler pushed
for this. Hard.

But I didn't,
you know, stand in the way.

Partner track?

I would, uh...

Yeah. I assume so.

(CHUCKLES)
That's great.

Good for Jimmy.

(CHUCKLES)
Charlie Hustle, right?

(LAUGHING) Yep.

Well,
I'll get out of your hair.

Anything else
you need me to add
to Ernie's list?

No, all set. All good.

Thanks for coming by,
Howard.
Any time.

You truly are missed.
No pressure.

Hmm. (LAUGHING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(TICKING)

FRANCIS: "Document review
will be coordinated
through HHM.

"To date,
the following documents

"have been
requested from Sandpiper

"as part of our
initial discovery petition.

"One,
resident lease agreements,
past and present,

"from all Sandpiper locations.

"Two, invoices and
transaction documents

"from all supply companies
used by Sandpiper.

"Three,
lists of all past and present
official Sandpiper vendors.

"Four, any and all
business agreements
and contracts

"between Sandpiper
and its distributors.

"Five, records of residents'
social security
check receipts.

"Six, allowance
transaction statements.

"Seven, resident
invoices non-related to..."

KIM: I'm loving the new look.

How's Santa Fe?

(CHUCKLES) It's...

(SCOFFS)

It's really...

Wha... See.

What'd I tell you?

Is it a nice place?

Psst, finest in temporary
corporate housing.

Can't wait to see it.

Maybe I should leave HHM.
Get on the cushy
D and M train.

It is very cushy.

Amazing.

Jimmy,

I'm so happy for you.

Thanks.

You know, things are
really turning around.

I'm even thinking
of looking, you know,
of my own place to buy.

In Santa Fe?

Not sure yet.

Maybe someplace
closer to Albuquerque.

Since I'm going
between the two so much.

Okay, so, halfway points?

Yeah, I was thinking...

Wait. What about Corrales?
Corrales.

Yeah.
Get a nice little bungalow.
Or, maybe, not so little.

With open floor plan.

I don't want any walls
disrupting my chi. Yeah.

Uh, but I'm thinking
I definitely want
some decent acreage.

Get in touch with nature.

Horses.

Come on.
You could get horses.

Man, that would be
so amazing.

Too expensive. They...

All those oats, right?

It's oats that
they're always eating?

Worth it.
And the horse shoes.

Have to get 'em shoes
and nail 'em with a hammer.

It's totally worth it.
A long ride through
the country and then

a glass of wine
on the back patio at sunset.

Oh, we should get one
of those smokers.

We could just
barbecue for days.

Yeah, we definitely
gotta get a smoker.

(SCOFFS)

All right, well,
I gotta go to the salon.

They're delivering
my new company car.

Ah! Are you serious?

What?
(SCOFFS)

(WITH ACCENT) "Jeeves,
where's my solid gold blimp?

"No, not that one.
The other one."

Jealous?

(CAR DOOR CREAKS)
Totally.

Oh, I forgot.
I got your present.
One sec.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Oh, such a beautiful
wrapping job.
It's a shame to open it.

It's a gift. Be grateful.

Just keeping it real.

Come on.
Second is still very,
very good.

All right.

Thanks.

See you tonight?

Maybe.

If you play
your cards right.

(WOMEN SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE)

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Hello, beautiful.

What do you think, ladies?

(WOMEN SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE)

Yeah, I know, right?

It's got all leather interior.

Heated seats for those
cold desert mornings.

This must be what
heaven looks like.

(SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE)

Hey! Goodbye hug?

No?

All right,
we'll forego the tears

and just say
"Till we meet again."

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(CLINK)

Must be metric.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(RUMBLING)

Hey!

(MACHINE BEEPS)

What... (CHUCKLES)
What are you doing here?

I work here.

Oh.

Small world.

So is this the parking lot
for the police station?

It is.

You don't know if
they validate, do you?

Why don't you pull
around over there?

And, we'll have a little talk.

Oh, okay.

(SIGHS)

Why are you here?

I have business
with the police.

And, what business
might that be?

Well, if you must know,
I was robbed.

Somebody broke into my house
and stole my property.

Your drugs?

Well, yeah, but obviously,
I didn't tell the cops that.

I'm not stupid.

You've already
spoken to them?

A couple of them
came by my house.

But it's not
the drugs that I care about.

I mean, I care.

It's my baseball
cards I need back.

Your baseball cards?

Yes.

I have a very
valuable collection
of baseball cards,

and someone stole them.

I guess I
shouldn't be surprised
I have to tell you this,

but it's probably a bad idea
that you willingly
talk to the police.

Being a criminal and all.

I'm not here as a criminal.

I'm here as a crime victim.

Just because I
occasionally sell
some pharmaceuticals,

I no longer have a right
to protection from crime?

And I was very careful
when I talked to them.

They have no idea
about my other business.

If you already
made your report,
why are you here?

They called me.

They have a few
more questions.

They are very dedicated
to finding this thief.

Since you're new to this,

let me explain it to you.

They've invited you
on a fishing trip.

What's that?
A fishing trip?

Those cops have no
interest in helping you
get your cards back.

(SIGHS)
You're obviously
under suspicion.

There was nothing
there for them to see.

I refer you to our
previous conversation

and this blinking
neon sign of a vehicle
that says "drug dealer."

They suspect you.

They will get you in there,
pretend to be your friend,

lull you into
a false sense of security

and then they will sweat you.

And you will break.

I don't...

I disagree.

Not open for debate.
You go home now.

But I have an appointment.

Break it.

And, if they call,
you do not answer the phone.

But what about
my baseball cards?

The cost of doing business.
No!

No, no, no!

I'm getting those back.

I will take the risk.

No, you won't.

Because then
you'll be putting my
well-being at risk.

I have to.

I... (STAMMERS)

Those cards,

some of them were my dad's

and I am getting them back.

I'm getting them back.

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(SCOFFS)

I'll find your cards.

Is...

Is that something you do?

Oh, that's...

That is so generous of you.

Oh, it'll cost you.

Oh.

Okay.

We should discuss
some sort of financial
arrangement in which I...

Well...

Okay, then.

Jesus.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(GUITAR PLAYING)

Come on in.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Not at all.
I was just
blowing off some steam.

Well, you sound good.

Thank you.
Clears the head.
You play?

Oh, I tried to learn
in high school,

but then I decided
there were easier
ways to get girls.

Well, I hope you've got
a way to decompress.

Everybody needs something.

How're you settling in?

Great. It's...

It's quite a step up for me.

Well, we're happy to have you.

Just let us know
if there's anything else
you need, Jimmy.

Thanks, Cliff. Um...

I'm happy to be here.

Great.

All right.
Better get back to it.

Yeah, me, too, I suppose.

Um...

Actually, um,
I might have found something
in the initial disclosures.

Oh, yeah?

Schweikart and Cokely
keep referring

to the "Optional
Allowance Program."

But I checked a number
of residents' contracts.

Not a single
one has opted out.

Which makes me think
it's more of a mandatory
financial arrangement.

And you're thinking
that's the
"Failure to State Claim"

that they filed
in their answer?

They keep saying
it's optional,
thereby voluntary.

I think we can counter
that if opting in

is a requirement
for residency,

which it sure
seems to be, well,

their "voluntary"
claims don't hold water.

You might be on
to something here.

Nice work, Jimmy.

Thanks, Cliff.

(MARIACHI MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)

(BELL DINGS)
Hola.

Hola. Como estas?

Welcome.
How can I help you?

Um, I was hoping to get
an estimate. My car.

Uh, mi coche.

You do cars?

Si, cars.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Ah, I was hoping to get
my seats reupholstered.

Um...

Take a look?
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Yeah, thinking something new.

Give the old
girl a little love.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

He said you should save
your money and get a new car.

Yeah? Well,
it has a sentimental value.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Classic car.
Hmm.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Uh, what material do you want?

Well...

I was thinking leather,
definitely. Um...

Maybe alligator?

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Too much money.

Like I said,
it has a sentimental value.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

He says alligator's
gonna look all wrong.

Cheaper might be better.

Well, show me
what you'd pick.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(BELL RINGS)
Oh!

I'm sorry, Senor.

My son, he will help you.

Okay?

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SNIFFLES)

How'd you find me?

(SCOFFS)

Why are you here?

Baseball cards.

The way I figure,
you saw that
mid-life crisis of a vehicle

and wisely decided to
cut ties with the man.

And I don't blame you.
I did, too.

And then you ripped him off.

Now, I'm sure
those baseball cards

looked like an easy way
to make a few extra
bucks off that idiot.

Teach him a lesson, too.

But you underestimated
just how big an idiot
you were dealing with.

(CHUCKLES)
No, I am pretty aware.

Well, then you underestimated
how attached the man
was to those cards.

So attached,
he called the police
and reported them stolen.

Now they're nosing around.

That sounds like
a "you" problem.

No, I think it's very
much an "us" problem.

Yeah, I guess I'll just
have to take my chances...

(WHISTLES) Good luck to you.

You know,
I was hoping you'd see

our dilemma and
do the right thing.

But I think what
we have here now

is a carrot
and stick situation.

Oh, yeah?

This the stick?

Hmm?

You coming here,
threatening my family, uh?

'Cause you're gonna need
a bigger stick, old man.

I'm not here to
threaten your family.

And the name of the stick
is Tuco Salamanca.

Now, you don't play ball,
so to speak,

and Tuco finds out
about your little
side business.

That a big enough stick?

However,
I prefer the carrot.

I think you will, too.

And, what would that be?

You give me back
the baseball cards,
$10,000 in cash,

and you net roughly...

Roughly $60,000.

(CHUCKLES)

And how exactly
does that work?

(TICKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

CHUCK: Ernesto.

ERNESTO: Hey.

Going somewhere?

Yes, we are.

PRYCE: She's a little
tricky around the corners.

So, and you gotta go
with the premium gas.

I know it seems like
a scam, but it makes
a huge difference.

And I would get her washed
at least once a week.

And spring for the hand wax.

You're gonna want
that extra layer

of protection
for the clear coat.

She deserves the best.

I'll make sure
the boys at the chop shop
are real gentle with her.

(STAMMERS) Why?

No.

You think I'd be caught dead
driving that thing?

It looks like a school bus
for six-year-old pimps.

All right.
Shall we move this along?

(MUMBLES)

Aaron.

Okay, there is Jeter.

Mantle.
Mantle. There's Mantle!

Are we good?
Uh...

Yeah,
that looks like everyone.

Yeah, they're here.
Looks like everyone's here.

And, now, the other item?

And, now,
our business is concluded.

(ENGINE STARTS)

You know,
I can't help thinking
an apology was in order.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Uh, it's the police again.

Sandpiper hasn't
really responded
to our discovery requests.

They've buried us
in paperwork,

but nothing actually
relevant to the particulars
in this case.

No real surprise there.

We may have to subpoena
their bank records.
Thank you, Erin.

Jimmy, how we doing
with client outreach?

While we're waiting
on those subpoenas,

I'm thinking we should try
wrangling some of this stuff

from the clients themselves.

Most of these folks
have hard copies
of everything,

going back to
the Eisenhower
administration.

Of course, given some
of their inconsistent
organizational practices,

it's gonna be slow going.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

This one lady, um,
she's sweet but
deaf as a doornail,

she keeps all of
her paperwork in...

She keeps it in...

I'm sorry. Excuse me, Jimmy.

I'm gonna need
everybody's phone,
key fobs and electronics.

Chuck. Welcome.

Please, have a seat.

Don't mind me.

Hey, everybody.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm sorry for
the interruption.
Just pretend I'm not here.

Happy to have you.

Jimmy, where were we?

Uh, yeah.

So, I was saying...

Um...

Getting documents
from some of the clients...

We definitely
have some packrats.
God bless 'em.

I was visiting Mrs. Gusdorff
at Sandpiper Santa Fe,

and I spent
the whole afternoon

sorting through just
a haystack of

recipes and half-off
coupons for Big Lots.

But, now, we've got copies
of this woman's
monthly statements

going back to March 1997.

So, it might be
a little labor-intensive,

but our clients will always be
our best resource.

Plus, they have ribbon candy.

(LAUGHTER)

CHUCK: Jimmy.

Hello?

What are you doing here?

My name is on the building.

So great to have you here.

If you need anything,
I'll be in my office.

(SIGHS)

Why are you here?

To bear witness.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

James McGill.

It's Ehrmantraut.
You still morally flexible?

If so,
I might have a job for you.

Where and when?

Take a seat.

Mr. Wormald,
thank you for coming in
and talking to us.

Yeah. Of course.

Yeah, we've been
looking at the reports

that the officers
took at the scene,

and we have a few
small follow-up questions.

Sorry to waste your time.
Just standard stuff.

There's really no need
for a lawyer to be here.

I'm here in more of
an advisory capacity.

Dan just wanted
a friendly face next to him.

COLEMAN: Well, we're all
friendly here.

Look at us. Four friends.
(CHUCKLES)

We just want to get
the facts straight

so we can help you
get your property for you.

PRYCE: Yeah, you know,
it's fine.

Uh, yeah,
there's no need to...

SALERNO: You know, it's just
standard procedure.

You know,
officers don't always get

all the information
we need in their report.

We just want to find the guys
who took your baseball cards.

Yeah, that's... Uh...

You know, my uncle
had a Ty Cobb tobacco card.

Kept that thing
behind six inches of glass

like it was
the Mona Lisa or something.

Wow! Ty Cobb?
Tell him to keep
the lights low.

Even artificial lighting
has a certain amount of
ultraviolet radiation

that can, uh, you know,
over the long-term...

Yeah, um...

Can you just remind us
exactly where you kept your
cards in the house?

Yeah, well,
as I was trying to say,

it's no longer an issue.

I found them.

So, you found the cards?

PRYCE: Yup.

I just wanted to
come down and tell you,
you know, in person.

You found them.
Where? Around the house?

No, I hired
a private investigator

and he tracked them down.
So, yeah.

Really? So where were they?

You know, it's fine. It is.

I really... I ought to
get out of your hair.
(STAMMERING)

You've wasted
enough time on me.

No. No. It's okay.
It's our job.

We just want to
get the facts right

so we can help
close this case for you.

It's done.

Case closed!

I just...
I know how much, you know,
you guys have on your hands.

Like murderers and robbers,
and gangs and...

Hey, Dan.
Why don't you get some air?

You can have some coffee.
I'll finish up with
the detectives here.

Okay, let's get down
to brass tacks here, guys.

I'm guessing your two
fine uniformed officers

found Mr. Wormald's
little hidey-hole,

and that's why you two
are so interested in
helping my friend here.

I get it.

A hiding place
in the baseboard,

it's gonna make
anyone suspicious.

But let me assure you,
there is nothing
illegal going on here.

Then why is he so nervous?

'Cause, I must say,
the flop sweat is
kind of suspect.

We all have our secrets,
don't we?

Who among us is without sin?

But those sins aren't all
of the criminal variety.

And neither are
Mr. Wormald's, okay?

They are,
however, very private.

Private like
drug dealer maybe?

JIMMY: No. No.

He's being evasive
because it's
a sensitive subject.

Very delicate.

And of no concern
to law enforcement.

You know,
as much as we'd love to
take your word for it,

we're gonna need
a little more than that.

All right,
well, this all comes down

to a personal dispute.
That's all.

It's between
Mr. Wormald and...

His art patron.

"Art patron?"
Yeah.

My client has an arrangement
with a wealthy gentleman,

for whom... (CLEARS THROAT)
Mr. Wormald provides

art in exchange
for this gentleman's
generous...

We'll call it "patronage."

Art. Like what? Paintings?

It's more like digital media.

SALERNO: Digital media?

He made videos for the man.

What kind of videos?

Private videos,
of an artistic nature.

That's what was in
the hiding place.
That's what it's for.

So this art patron
stole the videos
and the baseball cards?

Well, there was
a misunderstanding.

I mean,
call it creative differences.

Artists are
volatile creatures.
Hmm.

(SIGHS)

Guys, this all comes down
to a lovers' spat, okay?

Two consenting
adults had a falling out.
That happens.

And the patron
stole the videos

and the baseball cards
to make a point, I guess,

but the headline here
is it's all settled,
hearts have mended,

and Mr. Wormald will not
be pressing charges.

What was on these videos?

They were private.

You've said that.

(SIGHS)

They were videos intended

to titillate the senses.

COLEMAN: Okay, so porn.

Not... No.

Not as such.

Technically they
would be categorized
as fetish videos.

But nothing illegal.

Just a man,
a fully clothed man

I might add,
just all by himself.

Just Mr. Wormald,
fully clothed.

Uh...

Yeah. So...

All right. So,
a fully-clothed Mr. Wormald

by himself.

Doing what?

Yeah, c'mon, man. What?

Squat Cobbler.

What's a Squat Cobbler?

Squat Cobbler.
You know what
Squat Cobbler is.

No, I don't know
what a Squat Cobbler is.

No, me neither.
What is it?

What?
You two guys are cops?

Hoboken Squat Cobbler!

Full Moon Moon-Pie.

Boston Cream Splat.
(CHUCKLES)

Seriously?
Simple Simon The Ass Man?

Dutch Apple Ass?
Guys, am I not
speaking English here?

What the hell is
a Squat Cobbler?

It's when a man sits in pie.

He sits in a pie

and he wiggles around.

Maybe it's like
Hellmann's mayonnaise.

It has a different
name west of the Rockies.
I don't know.

Technically,
he does a cry-baby squat,
so there's tears,

which makes it
more specialized.

Not all pie sitters cry.

But I'm gonna
tell you something.

This guy is
a regular Julianne Moore

once he gets
the waterworks cranked up.

Pies. What, like apple?

Guys, I'm not
the filmmaker here, all right?

Banana cream. Peach.

And there is
a costume involved.

(SNICKERING)

You gotta be shitting us.

Yeah, like I'd make this up.

Hey, the world is
a rich tapestry, my friends.

But trust me on this.

You don't want to see it.

So, we're good, right?

Yeah, great.
(CHUCKLES)

There is, however,
one little,
tiny hanging chad.

What? What chad?

You're gonna have
to make a video.

KIM: Wait, wait.
So he eats the pies
or just sits in them?

Both. Whatever you want.

Which comes first?

It's dealer's choice.

That's where
the crying comes in,
right?

That's a safe bet.

(LAUGHING)

How the hell did
you come up with that?

If you gave me
a million years,

I still would not
have come up with that.

The muse,
she speaks through me.
I am but a humble vessel.

And, they bought it?

Yeah.
Wow!

I've heard some
far-out scenarios
used to sow doubt,

but this definitely
takes the cake.

Kim. Kim, Kim.

Takes the pie.
Yeah.

Sorry. (LAUGHING)
I should just jump
off the roof right now.

Yeah, should feel
bad about yourself.

Jesus,
can you tell a story?

Well, to be fair,
I think it was
the video that clinched it.

What video?

Wait. Wait.
You actually made
a video?

I gotta say, in the end,
ol' Dan really committed.

I believed the tears.

Oh, this is a leftover prop.
It was extra.

I wasn't sure
how many takes
we would need,

so I overbought.

But I promise you,
untouched by
human buttocks.

You fabricated evidence?

I made a video.
Not exactly evidence.

You used it to
exonerate a client.

You used falsified evidence
to exonerate a client.

Hmm. I think you are
splitting hairs.

I'm not splitting hairs.

What if Davis and Main
find out you faked evidence?

It wasn't
a Davis and Main client.

It was a nothing
little pro-bono thing.

It was off the clock.
It was totally my own thing.

Why?

Why would you
risk the best job

you've ever had for
some pro-bono case?

I was doing
a favor for a friend.

Risking disbarment?
That's some friend.

It's fine. It worked out.

Davis and Main
are none the wiser.

Jimmy, you're playing
with fire here.

I didn't see
you complaining

when Ken the Douchebag
paid our bar bill
the other night.

No. That was a little bit
of rule-breaking right there.

And, if I remember correctly,
you liked it, a lot.

That is so not
the same thing.

How?
What's the difference?

That had nothing
to do with work

and we were just
screwing around.

This...
Fabricating evidence...

Jimmy,
this could really hurt you.

If they find out.
If you get caught...

They're never gonna
find out.

Seriously?
You sound like every
dumb criminal out there.

If you keep this up,
they will find out.

For what, Jimmy?

What is the point?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I cannot hear about
this sort of thing.

Ever again. Okay?

I mean it, Jimmy.

You won't.