Better Call Saul (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Alpine Shepherd Boy - full transcript

After a strange encounter with the police, Chuck ends up in the hospital. Jimmy meets up with a series of unruly clients.

Albuquerpue police. Hello?

We'd like to talk with you for a minute.
Could you open the door, please?

We know you're in there.

You're casting a shadow
through your peep hole.

All we wanna do is talk.
Would you please open the door?

I'd prefer not to, officers.

Sir, come on and open up.

I have a condition.

I can't go outside
or be exposed to what's out there.

You were able to steal
your neighbour's newspaper.

I didn't steal it. I left $5.

The cover price is 50 cents.

Did your neighbour consent
to sell you her paper?



Officer, let's talk about something
called "probable cause."

As I'm sure you know,
in New Mexico...

...there is a two-part test
to determine whether police...

...have an objectively
reasonable basis...

the situation as Mincey v. Arizona
pointed out...

...create an event...

Hey, Tommy,
come around here, would you?

And that's why the Tenth Circuit
Court of Appeals...

...ruled that a coercive order...

Check this out.

Requiring an individual
to leave his house is seizure.

And therefore protected
under the Fourth Amendment.


Whole lot of camp stove fuel.

- Guy sure sounds like a tweaker.
- See what he did to the breaker box?

Is he coming out, or are we going in?

You got ten seconds to open this door
or it's coming down, you hear me?

- Final warning.
- Okay, I'll let you in.

But leave your electronic
devices outside.

No phones, no walkie-talkies,
no flashlights.

Definitely, definitely no Tasers.

I can't emphasise that enough. Deal?

Or... Look, look, I'll give the paper back.


James McGill
to see Mr. Richard Sypes.

Ricky. Call me Ricky.

Come on in.

This is my assistant's car.

My Mercedes is in the shop.

Yeah, I ought to give him a raise.
You're right.

Jim, I saw you on the TV.
That billboard thing?

And I had me a pair of insights.

Insight the first:
You ain't afraid to put yourself out there.

And insight the second:
You believe in the real America.

Freedom. Self-sufficiency.

I do. I...

I really do.

When I see a man like you driving
that foreign shitbox of a car...

Well, see, actually...

it's a sign a good man
can't get ahead today.

It's a travesty, that's what it is.

Well, that may be, Ricky.

But I refuse to consider myself a victim.

You know, we are once again
at a point in our history...

...where the fly-swatting hand
of government... crushing the spirit
of entrepreneurship.

Taxes, OSHA requirements.

The INS poking their big fat nose
into every mother-loving hire.

It's damned oppressive.

It's tragic.

It's un-American.

Jim, I think you are just
the lawyer I need.

Because I got me a case.

Major. I say, a major case.

Are you ready to clear your calendar?

Ricky, I'm all ears.

I want to secede
from the United States.

Now, I got 1100 acres of property here.

with solar power and wells.

A sovereign state immune
to the business-killing regulations...

...of the country
in which it geographically lies.

We are going to be America's
Vatican City.


...I'm your man.

Yeah. Let's do this.
Let's show them all.

Yes, we are doing this.

Now, it's not gonna be easy.

The government is gonna fight us
tooth and nail.

We could end up in the Supreme Court.
I'm talking thousands of man hours.

I mean, years of effort.

Are you ready for that?


I say bring them on.

Let's talk turkey.

What's your rate?

Four hundred and fifty an hour.

To hell with hourly.

I want you on retainer.

How about one million even?

Five hundred up front...

...and 500 when we're done.

A million? That seems...


Would you like that in cash?

Tax-free and backed
by the full faith and credit...

...of the sovereign Sandia Republic.



You are getting in on the ground floor.

Mr. McGill, hi.
Thanks so much for coming.

Roland Jaycox. Roland.

Hey, Roland. Great to meet you.

- You can call me Jimmy.
- Jimmy, absolutely. Hello.

- Please, come on in.
- Well, thank you.

What was it like climbing that billboard?
Must've been pretty scary, huh?

Guy needed help, that's all.

You know? If I can do it, anybody could.

Well, my hat is off to you.

So here we are.

And patent law is something you...?

Oh, yeah. I do so many patent cases...

...I should probably just go ahead
and specialise already.

So, what do we got?

- I feel silly asking this.
- Yeah.

Before I show you my invention... mind signing
a non-disclosure agreement?

You got it. No problem.

It's my idea of a lifetime. If Fisher-Price
or Playskool got their hands on this...

No worries.

You ready?

I may have seen one of these before.

Not like this.

This one has this little unit I've added.
This is my invention.

- Do you have children?
- No.

My wife and I have two boys, 4 and 6.

And let me tell you. Toilet training them?

Both times. They just didn't
wanna use the commode.

So I wired a motion sensor
to a voice chip.

Well, no sense getting all technical,
but it's all about positive reinforcement.

Meet Tony the Toilet Buddy.

And when you sit down
to do your business...

...this is how he works.

Oh, yeah. That's the way.

Gosh, you're big. You're so big.

My goodness, look at you.

Fill me up, Chandler. Put it in me.

Chandler's my youngest. Loves it.

Give it to me, Chandler. I want it all.

Anyway, it goes on from there.
You get the picture.

Yeah. I...


So, what do you think?

It's a little sexual maybe?

Sexual? What does that...?

Suggestive, maybe?
Maybe that's a better word.

Look, I'm not saying this thing
won't make you rich.

Some wealthier Pacific Rim nations,
they'll love this.

The crazy bastards.

I created this for children.

- Children. Understand?
- Hey.

Viagra was originally invented
to treat hypertension.

Look how that turned out.

You're completely disgusting.

you're the one with the sex toilet.

Get off my property!

Know what?
I hope you do make a fortune.

Because Chandler's gonna need it
to help pay for his therapy.

I found the Alpine shepherd boy.

No, no, you just stay put.

I'll be right over.

Now, where were we?
Oh, would you like some more tea?

No. No, thank you. I'm fine.

Now, the shepherd boy Hummel...

...that's gonna go to your nephew

As long as he finishes college.

If he drops out, it goes to my niece

But then Raylene doesn't get the girl...

The girl with the geese, I know.
That would go to your cousin Helen.

So long as she never
remarries Frederick?

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

And no matter what,
I want the towheaded twins... go to Reverend Laurence's

Don't you mean Reverend Haynes?

Reverend Laurence's grandson
is going to get the lute-playing angel...

...because he was in the choir.

Very sharp, Mr. McGill.

And here I thought
all lawyers were idiots.

No, only half of us are idiots.
The other half are crooks.

- Aren't you a spicy one.
- Well...

If I were 40 years younger,
I'd have you buy me a piña colada.

Well, if you want me to draw up a DNR...

...I'll bring a blender
and some pineapple.

I knew I'd like you when I saw... you saved that poor man
on the television.

Moxie is in such short supply
these days.

Yeah, well, I pride myself on my moxie.

Now, I hate to do this, but I do need
to bring up my payment.

And I'm sorry,
but I can't accept S&H Green Stamps.

Now, my fee is $140.

A hundred and forty.

I'll gladly accept 70 today...

...and 70 when I come back
with the completed documents.

Twenty, 40...

...sixty, 80...

...a hundred...

...and 20...



- Shall we continue, Mr. McGill?
- Yes.

Yes, we shall, Mrs. Strauss.

Put it on the nail, not the skin.

I can't help it if your toes are too small.
They should all be the same size.

Size of the big toe. That one I can do.

Yeah, that would be attractive.


How's it go again?

"You're huge, Chandler.

You're a big, big boy.

Oh, where does it end?"

"Oh, don't stop, Chandler.

Don't stop!

Here it comes."

"Oh, what is that?
Is that a piece of corn?

No, no.

Did you eat corn?

- Is that a niblet I see?"
- Stop. Disgusting.

- No.
- Too much?

Hey, good times.

Even your lousy days are more
interesting than my good ones.

Yeah, we should definitely
do something about that.

Seriously, don't ever try
to make a living at this.

- Stick with the law.
- Yeah.

Because I'm really... the world on fire
in that department.

Did two wills today.

Two wills, and I started a living trust.

Old people love me.

Maybe you got a future in elder law.

You think I could handle
all that glamour?

No, I'm serious.

I've thought about getting into elder law

I watched my grandmother at the end.

It's awful what people have to deal with.

Insurance companies.

My scumbag cousin stealing her savings
and her pain meds.

Getting old sucks.

Seniors need someone on their side.

- It's Howard.
- What the hell does he want?

Hi, Howard.

No. I mean, I haven't...

Oh, my God, when?

Yeah, okay.
I'll see if I can track Jimmy down.

I'll call you back. Sure.

It's Chuck.

Chuck. Chuck, you with me?

Chuck, hey, buddy, it's me!

Hey, can you talk to me?

Crazy sons of bitches.

Hey, hey, sir.

You can't do that.
All of this needs to stay on.

No, no. No electricity, you understand?

No, it needs to be on.
I'm getting security.

No, wait, wait. Wait, wait.
No, wait, wait.

- Why isn't that one going out?
- Stop.

- Damn it.
- Jimmy.

Just... Jimmy, wait a second.

Jimmy, think. What's the plan here?

Sir, sir?

Sir, I need you to get down.

What kind of torture chamber
you running?

- He's allergic to electricity.
- You heard the doc. Get down.

You might as well throw him
into a microwave. Don't touch me.

He is this patient's brother.
Please, listen to him.

- Now, hey.
- Let's go.

Hold on, hold on a second, Edwin.

- You ready to calm down?
- His name's Jimmy.

And he is gonna calm down.

- Say the words, Jimmy. I need to hear it.
- I'm calm, okay? I'm calm.

Why don't you go wait in the hallway?

I'll call if we need you.

Okay, so tell me about the electricity.

Look, I know how it sounds,
but it's real. Oh, shit.

My phone. Stuff.
Anything with a battery in it.

- He can't have it near him.
- Hang on.

There's my phone. Okay, that's it.


Okay. What the hell happened?
Why is he here?

It started when Charles
stole his neighbour's newspaper.

What? He never leaves the house.

I don't have all the details.

Police found him
in a very agitated state.

He was confrontational
and incoherent.

How come you didn't call me?

Why did I have to hear about this...

...through my brother's
prick of a law partner?

The only contact information
we could find was a business card.

Jimmy, in my opinion...

...Charles should be committed
for 30 days of psychiatric observation.

As a family member, you can submit
a petition for him to be evaluated.

There's an excellent facility
in Las Cruces.

He can be there tomorrow.

I'd rather not.

Hey, buddy. Hey, I'm right here.

- Oh, hey, Chuck.
- Excuse me.

Mr. McGill, my name is Dr. Cruz.
Do you know why you're in the hospital?

The police kicked in my door.
No warrant.

No cause.

I wasn't incoherent.
They just weren't listening.

They Tasered me, Jimmy.

Oh, Jesus.


- I'm sorry, I can give you privacy.
- No, no, no, that's all right. Stay.

Howard called me.
He's very concerned about you.

How are you feeling now, Mr. McGill?

Do...? Do you have a phone
or a pager...

- ...or anything with a battery?
- I don't think so. I...


Oversight. Sorry about that.

Can you tell me a little more
about your...

- ...situation?
- It's not a situation.

It's a condition.

Electromagnetic hypersensitivity.

For reasons unknown, my nervous
system has become sensitized... certain frequencies
of electromagnetic radiation.

Your brother called it
an allergy to electricity.

Well, it's an oversimplification.

But it's essentially correct.

Electronic devices create
their own electromagnetic fields.

The closer I am to such devices...

- ...the worse my symptoms.
- Which are?

Burning sensation on my skin...

...a sharp, cold pain in my bones...

...muscle fatigue, heart palpitations...

...blurred vision...


...vertigo, nausea, shortness of breath.

- A general...
- It hurts.

Yes, it hurts.

When did you first experience
these symptoms?

- Must have been...
- You left the office 18 months ago.

Well, in that case,
must have been almost two years.

Two years? That's a...

That's a long time
to live with discomfort.

Well, there it is.

You think I'm crazy.

I never said that.

No, you didn't,
because you're very polite.

But you think it.

Otherwise you wouldn't
be talking about commitment.

- You find that idea distressing?
- Who the hell wouldn't?

I find it inappropriate for a person...

...suffering from a physical condition.

Anyone who's spent more
than a few minutes with me knows...

...that this isn't some kind of delusion.
Wouldn't you agree, Kim?

- Of course she does.
- Well, I'm not a doctor.

You've known me for a decade.

Have you ever seen me exhibit any sign,
any sign whatsoever, of mental illness?

See? If I thought for one second... could cure me, believe me,
I'd jump at the chance.

All due respect,
psychiatry doesn't have the answers.

I'd very much like to try.

Section 43-1-11, part E3.

"The proposed commitment
is consistent...

...with the treatment needs
of the client...

...and with the least drastic
means principle."

Do you think subjecting me to this pain
for a month is the least drastic means?

Might as well spend a month
in a wood chipper.

I understand your frustration. I do.

You're obviously
a highly-intelligent man... difficult circumstances.

May I ask you a question?
Just for my own interest.


How do you meet
the needs of daily life?

What do you do for light?

How do you prepare food?

I use white gas lanterns.
For cooking, I have a camp stove.

I have a large cooler
I keep filled with ice.

It's not ideal, but I make do.

I see.

Well, thank you.

Would you mind if I took a moment
to speak with your brother?

Make sure you still have your wallet
when you're done.

Funny guy.


I wanna go home.

That was a dirty trick.

That wasn't a trick.
It was a demonstration.

This allergy to electricity isn't real.
It's a manifestation of something deeper.

I'm not saying it's 100 percent real,
but Chuck is smarter than you and me.

So we're not talking him out of this.

And I'm not sending him
to a rubber room.

No one is talking about rubber rooms.

- There are specialists...
- He's seen specialists.

The best doctors.
None of them helped. Not one.

So you're ready to give up?

Who's giving up, huh? I'm...
I'm the one doing the heavy lifting here.

That white gas?
Who do you think brings him that?

And milk, bread, toilet paper
and ice and every other thing he needs.

Is that helping or enabling?

If you testify in a custodial hearing,
he can get help. That's in your power.

To be committed involuntarily,
he has to be a danger to himself.

- Or others.
- And he is.

Coleman lanterns indoors?
A camp stove?

He could burn his house down,
or the entire neighbourhood.

And then you're looking
at a commitment of 10 to 20 years.

What if...? What if he just hurts himself
in a household accident?

How does he call for help?

You have the power
to help your brother.

Truly help him.

Ignoring this won't make it go away.

What would you do?

All I know is...

...he needs help.

Untie him.
I'm getting him out of here.

The nurse will bring you release forms.

Oh, boy.

- Jimmy? Kim?
- I found him.

- I thought I'd wait till you got here.
- Great.

- How's he doing?
- Better. Resting.


Jimmy, I want you to know
that I've talked to the DA...

...and he absolutely will not sign off
on any commitment papers.

This is a physical condition,
not mental.

Chuck is of sound mind.
I think we can all agree on that.

You're a real peach, Howard.

Of course you don't want
Chuck committed.

No, I don't. Why would I?

If Chuck were committed,
I'd become his legal guardian.

- And I'd cash him out of HHM.
- Jesus, Jimmy. Now?

You wanna hash that out here?

The tanning bed must have
melted your brain if you think...

- Guys, Chuck, that's why we're here.
- Yes.

Let's stay on point.

We're talking about the well-being
of a man whom we all love very much.

There's many factors.

- Spite doesn't have to be one of them.
- I was on the fence till you showed up.

Thanks for helping me decide.
Wave bye-bye to your cash cow...

...because it's leaving the pasture.
I'm committing him.

Jimmy... Ji... Wait.

Jimmy, wait. Jimmy...
Jimmy, can you wait?

Jimmy, wait a second.
Listen, I agree that Chuck needs help.

And maybe it's the right thing to do,
but you can't do it like this.

I just wanna see
that son of a bitch sweat.

It's so obvious what he's afraid of.

I'm taking my brother home.

There you go, buddy.

Yeah, there you go. Okay, some steps.

One and two, and there you go.

Hey, you're home.

All right?
Everything's gonna be all right.

You want something to eat?

Some tea? Cup of tea?


Coffee. Coffee it is.

Jimmy, I'm gonna need my...

I don't... I... I...

Oh, it's...


Wanna talk about this?

Nothing to talk about.

You took the paper,
you saw this, you got sick.

What's your point?

Chuck, I think you got sick
because you saw this story.

Whenever you think
I've done something wrong...

...something questionable,
you get worse.

I didn't get sick because
I read about you in the paper.

I got sick...

...because I went out of my house
to retrieve the paper...

I'm too tired for this argument, Jimmy.

I've had it too many times.

You think this is the return
of Slippin' Jimmy, but it's not.

All right.

You think the billboard thing
was unethical.

But it was promotion.
It was advertising, that's all.

Which wasn't even allowed
until five Supreme Court justices...

...went bonkers
in Bates v. State Bar of Arizona.

But in any event...'s legal. If you wanna advertise,
that's your business.

"Business" being the operative word.

Because I have gotten business
off of this.

Legit business. Wills, trusts.

I'm kind of starting to specialise
in elder law.

- Elder law?
- Yeah.

The things the elderly have to deal with.
I mean...

...relatives coming after their savings,

...reverse-mortgage scams.
I mean, getting old sucks.

Seniors need someone on their side,
so you're looking at him.

Oh, that sounds promising.

But it has nothing to do
with my condition.

Chuck, I'm gonna make you
a promise right now.

Not necessary, not requested.

Okay. The billboard
was a one-time thing.

I'm a good lawyer.
I just needed some razzmatazz.

You know, to get the ball rolling.
Some showmanship.

That's all it was. It's done now.

- It's over.
- All right.

From here on out,
I'm gonna play by the rules.

- As any lawyer should.
- Exactly.

There are clients out there
who need me.

I'm gonna give them the best
representation I know how to provide.

I'm on the up-and-up, okay?
I will be good.

Slippin' Jimmy, he's back in Cicero.
Dead and buried.


We'll see.

Where you going?

Somebody's gotta make that coffee.

I'm sure the truth will come out...

...if indeed that's
what we're all interested in.

I know everybody in this courtroom...

...has strong feelings
about Nicholas Baron's past...

...but I submit he is not on trial here
for his past.

He is on trial for the murders
of Donald Kovack and Eddie Alonzo.


Light blue or cream.

It's blue.


Simple. Single pocket.

Thank you.

Hello there.
James McGill, attorney at law.

- How are you this fine morning?
- I'm just fine. How about you?

Oh, very good. Play fair.

Oh, what do we got here? I see...

...a piece is trying to get away here.

Enjoy the Jell-O.

Get to the bottom.
Wait, who's the banker here?

That's the only one I wanna talk to.
There he is.

- How are you?
- Hey. I'm good.

Whoa, what a grip, young man.

Watch out, that's my will-writing hand.

- I'm quite strong, you know.
- Okay.

Hello, ladies. You look beautiful today.

All right over there?

Very good. Play fair.

No betting.

Wait a second, is that Veronica Lake?

Give me a hug, beautiful.

Yes. You look great today.

All right. No cheating,
no hiding the tablet.

Oh, what do we have here?

Hey, there he is. The man in the booth.

John Wilkes Booth. Booth Tarkington.

What you reading there?

The Complete Annotated Book of Rules
for Parking Validation?


The rules for parking validation
are actually pretty simple.

Most people get it on the first try.

Well, you'll be pleased to know
I have the requisite stickers.

Be still my heart.

And... can have this as well.

I'm doing elder law now.

"Need a will, call McGill."

So give me a call if you...

If you happen to know any elders.

- Good night.
- Couldn't have a bad one if I tried.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Have a good one.

He drove in from El Paso,
but he made good time.

Pick it up on pancakes.

- Eggs over-medium.
- Hash browns.

Eggs over, pick it up.

Don't be so silly.

- There's nobody around.
- You never can tell.

- Then I'll come in.
- I wouldn't.

- We're going to be late.
- Don't be bashful, Lucy.

I'm not bashful,
but I've never kissed you before.

And I don't think this is the place.

Gosh, if you knew how crazy I am about
you, you wouldn't hesitate. I can't sleep.

- Why don't you take some hot milk?
- I must be in love because I started...

Long way from home, aren't you?

You and me both.