Better Call Saul (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Mijo - full transcript

It's really messed up.

Hey, hello. Habla English.
Hey, are you the son?

Grandson.

- Hit while driving.
- My leg.

The crazy old biznatch
ran over my brother.

It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad.
It hurts so bad.

- Look at that.
- It's this one.

She broke his leg, stood on the gas.
That's a hit-and-run.

She felonied me. That's a felony.

- We got the whole thing right here.
- Hold on. Let me talk to her.

- Start talking.
- Good.



- He can't put pressure on it.
- Need to lean on you.

- Es muy mal for my leg-o.
- Lean on this.

No, man, it really hurts.

Dude.

- Yes, sí, problema.
- And now dos problemas.

Dude.

- I don't know what you're saying, man.
- Dude.

Dude, we got a real problem here.
Yeah, sí, problema.

What're you gonna do
about this leg situation?

- I really need a doctor.
- Doctors ain't cheap, yo. It's gonna cost.

Either you or her,
somebody's gotta pay.

You want money?

- Yes.
- Yeah, damn straight.

Hit-and-run? It's no joke.
What are the cops gonna say?



Cops? They coming?

- Yeah, maybe.
- That's up to you, man.

- They could be looking at this tape.
- It's all up to you.

You called her "biznatch"?

- I didn't...
- Whatever. Hurry it up. I'm hurting.

Show us the green, or la policia
is gonna come and take Granny away.

She's gonna go to jail.
You want that?

That's right. Play it smart. Okay, good.
So let's talk dollar amounts.

For what you did...

No...

Biznatch.

Hey, get over here.

Yeah, my abuelita's.

Bring No-Doze, and tell Nacho
to bring his van.

Open up, officer of the court.
Open up in the name of the law.

Good afternoon, this...

Showing hands. I'm relaxed. Okay?

Non-threatening.

You move, and you're dead.

Got it.

Seems to be a misunderstanding.

Is there by any chance
a Betsy Kettleman here?

Not sure if this is a situation...

...where I should
or should not look you in the eye.

Now sit.

Who are you? Are you with
those red-headed scumbags?

My name's James McGill.
I'm an attorney.

I got a call from some clients,
something about an accident.

I did not get any details.

When I saw skateboards in your
front yard, I assumed they might...

Talk.

I'm gonna make an educated guess
what happened here.

My two clients, Frick and Frack,
the mopheads...

...were in a simple traffic accident.
A minor fender-bender.

They were on the wrong side
of the street...

...or didn't look both ways.

It could happen to anyone.

My clients, exhibiting
extremely poor judgment...

...followed your grandmother to this
delightful, well-tended home.

Now, at this juncture, I am deducing
that they said or did something...

...that crossed a line...

...and you, with some justification,
you put them in their place.

Based on the salsa stain there,
could've gone a couple ways.

The bottom line, not to be morbid,
but if they're dead...

...I'm guessing that I'm...

I'm gonna...

Yeah, I'm gonna go with glass half-full
here and say they're not.

If they're still alive, why kill us?
Because of a misunderstanding?

Our own stupidity? Why mess up
your lovely abuelita's place?

Why jump to the nuclear option?
See, I'm saying keep it simple.

I will collect my moronic clients,
and, poof, we are gone.

Neither you nor your lovely abuelita
will ever lay eyes on us ever again.

Guaranteed.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Assuming, you know,
that they're still breathing.

You got a mouth on you.

Thank you.

Get up.

- That way.
- That way?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Why not?

So, I should cut them loose?

- It was him! It was all his idea!
- No, no, no!

You shut up!

- Say what?
- He wanted to scam you.

He said we could clear 2 grand easy.

You punking me?

Are you punking my abuelita?

He hit his head, he doesn't
know what he's saying.

For what?

For what are you getting 2 grand?

It was for going after your grandma.

For taking a header over her car,
then for bracing her.

It was him, I swear. It was the lawyer.

- Who are you? Why are you after me?
- I can explain.

You're gonna laugh, it's so...
I'm a lawyer. Check my ID, okay?

- I was running a scam...
- On my abuelita?!

Not on your abuelita. Not on you.

There's a woman named
Betsy Kettleman. I mentioned her.

Married to Craig Kettleman,
treasurer of Bernalillo County.

I wanted his business.

He stole a million and a half bucks
from the county.

He's gonna be indicted
for embezzlement any day now.

That's a good case for me.
A lot of publicity. I'll get my name out.

I thought if I had these two...

...run their little skateboard hustle
on Mrs. Kettleman...

...I could, you know, rescue her.

Come in, throw oil on troubled waters,
and get their business.

That was the plan. But it turns out
your lovely abuelita...

...she drives a car that is a whole lot
like the Kettle-mobile.

So these two geniuses ran their little
stunt on the wrong one.

So joke's on me.

Simple as that.

Where's he going?

Talk to me, okay?

Who do you think I am?
What is he getting?

I was running a scam to get a client.

I made a mistake, that's all this is.
Oh, jeez.

You don't need...

That's not... I'll talk, okay?

Tell me what you want to know.

Who do you think I am?

Hey, use your words, okay?

You know what I smell?

I smell lies.

- I smell pork.
- No, that's not necessary.

We know you're with the heat.
The question is, who?

- Local, FBI, DEA?!
- No, I'm a lawyer.

Just reach in my pocket right now.
Right there.

Truth.

That is the truth! I'm a lawyer!

Guys, I passed the bar!
Ask me anything!

Not contract law...
I'm down at the courts every day.

People know me.
I'm a known quantity. I am.

I'm Special Agent Jeffrey Steele, FBI.

- FBI?
- FBI. I'm undercover, okay?

You got me. I'm the tip of the spear.
Releasing me would be the smart move.

You hear that shit?

I told you the business was too good.

I knew it. I told you.

Can I?

- Okay, Special Agent Steele?
- Jeffrey A. Steele.

Okay, Agent Steele,
what business are we in?

- Business?
- You're investigating us, right?

For what? What did we do?

What do we sell?

- Drugs.
- What kind of drugs?

It's Title 21, Schedule II through
Schedule V, including Part B.

That's what we call them
down at the Bureau.

The task force is designated
Operation Kingbreaker...

Kingbreaker? That makes me the king!

Can I?

All right.

The next words out of your mouth
ought to be the truth.

You understand?

Who are you?

I'm James Morgan McGill, a lawyer
trolling for business. That's the truth.

- Now, you find a Bible, I'll swear on it.
- What about Operation Kingbreaker?

I made it up, okay? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't know you. I don't want to.

This was a mistake.

It's my mistake. Okay?

I take full and complete
responsibility, but...

I don't know any of your names,
and I got a bad case of face blindness.

You let us go,
we'll forget this happened.

Guys, we're gonna forget, right?
Nod your heads.

Okay.

So if you'd just let us go...

I just... We wanna just go home.

I say cut him loose.

He said he was FBI. He admitted it.

You had your wire cutters on him.
He would've said anything.

You really see the FBI hiring
those two flaquitos?

Maybe.

Croaking a lawyer for no reason
is bad business.

He goes away,
someone's gonna look for him.

They walked into my house.

They disrespected my abuelita.

They called her "biznatch"
and they just walk?!

What about the lawyer?

He's giving respect.

Okay.

"James M. McGill,
a lawyer you can trust."

I know how to find you, James McGill.

- Understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

Up.

Okay?

Take him back to his car.

Thank you. This is good.
This is right. Thank you.

Come on.

What about them?

- Come on.
- Yeah, right.

- Come on.
- Yeah, right.

- Where you going?
- Can I say something?

- Where you going?
- Can you let them go?

- Just let them go.
- Are you stupid?

They don't deserve to die.
I put them up to it.

I don't deserve to die,
but they don't either.

I'm gonna skin them like javelinas!

Forget about them! They're insects!
Hey, think about their mother.

I spit on their mama!

She is a sweet little lady.
She's a widow.

She works hard, all day, every day,
just like her mother before her...

...from dawn till dusk,
scrubbing the floors of rich people.

She needs a cane to walk, you know.

She's got arthritis,
and still she works every day.

What? For herself?
No, for them. For these two.

Her boys, they're apples of her eye.

You say they don't deserve her?
Maybe so. But they're all she's got.

Now, you turn them inside out...

...I want you to think
about what happens to her.

That's on them. They should've
thought about that.

When I was at your abuelita's place,
you were gonna let them go.

The way I see it, that's because
you're tough, but you're fair.

You're all about justice.

That's what I'm saying.

- Justice.
- These two shit-for-brains, big-mouths?

You already beat
the living hell out of them.

You think they'll
ever forget today? Never.

Ten years from now, they're still gonna
be crapping their Jockeys.

- It's not enough.
- Okay, okay.

Then let's talk proportionality.
They're guilty.

Agreed. Now you have to decide,
what's the right sentence?

- Like a judge.
- Like a judge.

Ever hear of the Code of Hammurabi?

Let the punishment fit the crime?
Eye for an eye?

Eye for an eye.

- You want me to blind them.
- No, no.

- All they did was trash-talk.
- So I cut their tongues out!

Wait. See, I'm advising that you
make the punishment fit the crime.

"Punishment fit the crime."

Colombian neckties.

I cut their throats, and then I pull their
lying tongues through the slits!

- Biznatch!
- Or you could give them black eyes.

Black eyes? That ain't nothing.

That one there, holmes?
He already got a black eye, fool.

Stop helping.

Or you could sprain their ankles.

- Sprain?
- They're skateboarders, right?

That's how they run their scam.

They can't skate,
you hit them where they live.

I ain't spraining nothing, bitch.

I'm gonna break their arms,
then I'm gonna break their legs.

Arms? When did we get onto arms?

I'm cutting their legs off.

We could go that way,
but we were talking about breaking.

- We're heading in the wrong direction.
- Okay.

- Break their legs.
- How many legs?

- Two. They got two legs.
- One leg each.

One leg each?

One leg each. Total of two legs.

Hey, look, they can't skateboard
for six months...

...and they're scared of you forever.

You show everybody that
you are the man, but that you're fair.

That you're just.

One leg each.

That's tough, but it's fair.

All right, lay them out! I ain't got all day!
It's hotter than shit out here!

Quit moving!
You're only gonna make it worse!

Look! Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah!

He said he had a broken leg,
now he's got one for real.

You, tell your mama you're sorry, bitch.

Other one.

Hey, look, it's backwards.

Check it out.
I'm gonna do this one real clean.

Walk home now, bitch!

Shut up! Shut up!

Here you go. Here you go.
Easy, easy. Save your breath.

You are the worst lawyer!
The worst lawyer ever!

Hey, I just talked you down from a death
sentence to six months' probation.

I'm the best lawyer ever.

Oh, my God!

Could you...? Could you...?

I'll be right back.

Ground yourself?

Jimmy, did you ground yourself?

I don't think you grounded yourself.

Jesus.

Jimmy, you didn't drive
like this, did you?

Oh, no.

No. I knew it.

Chuck.

Coffee?

Yeah, thanks.

- You're gonna have to take it black.
- Out of milk?

Sorry.

Why are you in that space blanket?

You brought your cell phone
in here last night.

It was in your pants pocket.

Sorry about that.

Where is it?

Outside. I threw it out the door.

How did I get here?

Your car's not outside,
so I'm assuming taxi.

Right, the bartender
wouldn't let me drive.

Why are you in that space blanket?

I told you, you brought your
cell phone into my house.

Chuck, did you...?

Chuck, did you read this?

Read what?

This bill, did you read it?

Emergency room bill.

I may have glanced at it.
It fell out of your pocket.

Hey, Chuck, listen.
I know how this looks.

I'm down to my last dime, and suddenly
I'm paying for broken legs.

But it's not that, I swear.

This represents
a good thing, ultimately.

Okay.

I'm not backsliding.
This isn't Slipping Jimmy.

Fine.

Take off the space blanket,
will you, please, Chuck?

It helps.

Take off the blanket.
I didn't do anything wrong.

It has nothing to do with that.
It was your phone.

Take off the space blanket.

Why?

Take off the space blanket, Chuck.

Come on.

Take off the blanket.

Thank you.

Front yard?

- Do you have any idea where it landed?
- No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No. No.

What do you want?

Not to starve to death.

What do you say?

You got something for me?

It's showtime, folks.

Clovis, lawyer.

I'm gonna kill him.

Your Honour, I'm sorry.
I'll never do it again.

- Say what?
- Just...

Your Honour, I'm very sorry,
and I'll never do it again.

Okay, Mr. Pearson.
Up you go. All right.

I told you a suit, remember?
You want to look sharp.

That's a loaner, okay?
I need it back. Let's go.

- Petty with a prior.
- Kid took a slice of pizza.

The parents are a train wreck.
He was hungry.

- Petty with a prior.
- Come on.

- You're light on stickers.
- Come on.

- Five dollars.
- You serious?

You got four, you need five.

There's four 90-minute stickers.

- You've been six hours, five minutes.
- Takes ten minutes to walk down here.

Five dollars, or you go
get another sticker.

This makes you feel
real important, huh?

Not enough stickers? More stickers?

It's showtime, folks.

It's showtime.

- Petty with a prior.
- Prior will stay on his sheet for life.

Petty with a prior.

- You're overcharging him.
- Petty with a prior.

That lady up there?
She shorts me every time, okay?

This is not a me problem,
this is a you problem.

It's showtime.

It's from a movie.

Hey!

Okay, hold it.

- Petty with a prior.
- Misdemeanour shoplifting.

- Petty with a prior.
- Meet me halfway.

- Petty, with a prior.
- I can't do it.

- Petty with a prior.
- How about this?

I plead the kid to the sheet.
You give a continued sentence.

He gets six months.
He's still clean, file for dismissal.

Come on. This is how you want
to spend your time?

You can have the rest of these.

Berger, lawyer.

Mr. Berger, we've met before,
haven't we?

Mr. Edison, like the inventor?
I'm James McGill.

I'll be your lawyer.

Doesn't matter.
Judge has gotta see your mother.

Well, do you know anybody
who looks like her?

No, an uncle won't do it.

Okay, so a fire was started.
We all know that.

Freezing, shivering, as she is now.

In fact, wrote a book about it.

To make some cookies.

But because you...
Given her this name...

You can see that this man...

Chose...

A bonehead move.

You're like a troll under a bridge.

"You must have the stickers,
or you won't pass."

Troll alert here. Don't feed it.

Ladies.

Good evening, Ms. Nguyen.

- No mail.
- Hey, Vicki, Maggie.

You have zero messages.

- Customer.
- What?

For you, a customer. Waiting now.

Sure, sure. Give me a minute.

Welcome, welcome. My office is being
painted. Excuse the temporary quarters.

Cosy.

Just me.

Tuco freaked you out, huh?

It's cool. He doesn't know I'm here.

So...

...what can I do for you?

I've been thinking about
what you said out there in the desert.

Those people you were trying to scam,
how much did they steal?

North of a million
and a half bucks, I think.

So, they have a million
and a half bucks somewhere.

In what, cash?

I don't... Why are you asking me?

I'm gonna rip them off.

I like ripping off thieves. They can't go
to the cops. They have no recourse.

You point me at
where they have their cash...

...I'll pay you... What do you call it?
...a finder's fee.

Call it 10 percent, 100 large.

Why would you come to me for that?

You already tried ripping them off.
I'm gonna finish what you started.

I wasn't trying to rip them off.
I just wanted their business.

Okay.

I don't know where their money is.

Smart guy like you can figure it out.

Find out what I need to know,
nobody gets hurt.

We rip them off, easy money.

Look, I'm a lawyer, not a criminal.

You are shitting me.

I crossed a line.

I made a mistake.
I'm not doing that again. Not ever.

I got between you and Tuco. Think you'd
be here now if I kept my mouth shut?

And I appreciate that. I owe you.

And if you're ever in trouble,
God forbid, legal trouble...

...I will be there 24/7 as a lawyer.

- What's your angle?
- No angle.

And I'm not saying
anything about this to anybody.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're a client...

...this is a consultation, and everything
you just told me is privileged.

You rat, you die.

And that too. Yes.

For when you figure out
you're in the game.

I'm not in the game, I promise.