Betas (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Lowdown - full transcript

MITCHELL:
Dude, Hobbes is famous.

"Fame is a fickle food."
Emily Dickinson said that.

(scoffs) Trevor,

I'm gonna throw away that
quote of the day calendar.

* I'm a broken man,
I'm damaged goods *

* Lock me in the basement
with furnace soot... *

How bad is it?

Watch and burn.

JORDAN: With us today is
founder Olivia Catlin,

whose "ladies only" app,
Damsel, is scorching hot.

Damsel. The app where women
rate their ex-boyfriends?



Yeah, chicks are way
obsessed with it.

We wanted to create
a space where

women feel safe to
express their opinions.

I love it. It's like
Yelp, but instead of

rating dive bars,
you're rating dudes.

Does she actually
mention us, or do

you just have a thing
for the founder?

She's hot, but no,
just keep watching.

And women are
really responding.

You've already reached the
coveted million download mark.

It's no secret that social has
a bit of a "woman problem."

I think Damsel is
connecting with

an audience that's
been under-served.

Oh, you mean like
all those tone-deaf



hook-up apps flooding
the Valley--

things like BANG WITH FRIENDS

or the more
recently-launched BRB--

apps created by men who have no
idea how women actually think.

No idea how women...
that's bullshit.

Actually, I've been
mining user data

and we're losing females
left and right.

Yeah, our ratio is way skewed.

It's like 80-20 dudes-to-chicks.
Total gangbang.

And the people who do use it
are only looking for hook-ups.

So we get more women to sign up.

Tweak the interface,
emphasize our social features.

Once we show people that
BRB offers more than just...

-Stalking?
-...dating...

we can optimize the experience.

A million users...

What else do we know
about Damsel?

(video game beeps and blips)

Yo! Check it.

Did a little recon on
those Russian dudes.

The blonde one has
a PhD in robotics.

-They're all blonde.
-Uh, poofy hair.

Oh, yeah, the head
goon from "Die Hard"?

Yeah, he's probably doing some
kind of cyber soldier thing.

Pig.

Excuse me.
Just one second here.

Hey. Web brigade. Listen up.

It's that guy.
Am I a misogynist? No.

Is that a real cat? Yes.

Can you pet it? No.

Any questions?

Hey, you wanna punch my tit?

You want to partner
with Damsel?

Their founder said that we
were the problem with social.

We need to focus on the parts
of the app that are working,

not some wild goose chase.

Those were Jordan's
words, not Olivia's.

And what are you saying?
You want to scrap everything

we've been working for and
embrace being a hook-up app?

What I want is a
successful business.

Okay, you need to
listen to the data.

How can we trust the data if
our user ratio is fucked?

We haven't even given
this thing a chance.

I'm not gonna toss
everything aside

because you're
afraid of failure.

Just focus on the code and let
me take care of the business.

-(Hobbes shouting)
-Guys, we got

a situation out here.

Come on, dork.
What are you, a mathlete?

-What are you doing?
-You wanna punch me? Come on!

Punch me in the moobs!
Punch the patriarch.

-(onlookers gasping)
-Ow!

(sighs)

C'mon, Trey, man, this meme
thing is a joke,

right? You were there!

I know, the circumstances
were extreme.

But things are a little
sensitive right now.

We can't have BRB associated
with "Crazy Misogynist Guy."

What are you saying?

We need to put you
on ice for awhile.

Sorry, was that insensitive?

I forgot he found his
cat in a freezer.

Wow. I never thought my
own team would turn on me.

Dude, it's not like
that at all.

It's not permanent.

It's just 'til this blows over.

I don't have anywhere... to go.

We know. Nash told us.

You're homeless. It happens.

I'm not homeless.
I'm... couchhacking.

-Bro-bro, you're homeless.
-Yes.

That's not a thing,
couchhacking.

All right. Living the
dream now, baby.

Workin' from home.

This isn't
telecommuting, Mitch.

This is exile.
I'm fuckin' Trotsky.

You know, when Trotsky
was in exile,

he had an affair
with Frida Kahlo.

Great. I can't wait to fuck
a woman with a unibrow

and monkeys hanging
off her tits.

Am I allowed to
say that anymore?

"Tits"? Or will I be
executed on the spot?

Dude, you are not in exile.

Whatever. (sniffs)
Trey'll probably send you

here tomorrow with an
axe to finish the job.

I would never axe you, man.
Never.

I think that cat is dead.

Trey! My long-lost pal.

You don't text, you
don't Tweet...

Okay. Are we friends?
Because every time

I turn around, you're
slinging shit at my business.

Aww. Are you still pissy about
my post over the macho Greek?

I'm the one who had
to sleep with him.

People do actually listen
to the things you say.

Or does that even
occur to you?

Only every waking moment.

Oh, hey, Jordan, did you
get a chance to verify...

Antoine. What the shit?
I'm obviously in a meeting.

Go be worthless
somewhere else. Ugh.

Tell me you came to
rescue me from this place.

Because I have some
ideas: bar, park, bar...

ooh, 3:00 showing of
that shitty Jen Aniston pic

'cause I'm a sucker
for romance.

I was hoping you could introduce
me to Olivia Catlin, actually.

She's not responding
to my emails.

I could.
In fact, she'll be at

the She Plus Plus mixer
on Thursday night.

Seriously? That would be huge.

I said I could.
The question is: why would I?

There is a new start-up at
Velocity, very hush-hush.

Possibly Estonian. Any idea
what they're working on?

An Ikea table?

C'mon. You give me the scoop,

I'll put you in touch
with the Big "O."

I don't know anything.

Then you're no good to me,
Barrett.

Fuck it. I'll find another way.

So we're not going to the park?

-(phone beeps)
-Yo.

Olivia Catlin's gonna be at the
She Plus Plus fundraiser

Thursday night. Can you
get us on the list?

How? You think they just invite

anyone with a vag
and a Smartphone?

No, I think you'll find
a way to convince them

because you're just that good.

(sighs) Listen, flattery
will get you nowhere.

Formal wear, on
the other hand...

Fine. Put it on my tab.

Gravy. We talking Givenchy
or Forever Twenty One?

-Bye, Mikki.
-Bye.

* Guess, who slot ey bras,
hey kitten, ey crump *

* 'Fore they say my name
I'm dangerous... (what)... *

* Newest dudes in the
game who is you...? *

HOBBES: When my hand opens,
the shit has left my body.

(grunts)

The mere sight of his
hand inflames my IBS.

Yeah, classic
Pavlovian response.

Dude, we haven't played
PS 3 in 48 hours because

your disgusting friend
has been watching

-"Hoarders" marathons nonstop.
-(toilet flushes)

And he's been feeding
Chance turkey jerky.

-He has high blood pressure.
-All right, I hear you.

Hook up the PS 3 in my room.

Trev, we'll take the
little guy to the vet,

get him some Levatol.
It'll be fine.

You guys, this is just like a
temporary situation, all right?

(knock at door, gruff yelling)

(doorbell ringing,
guys talking indistinctly)

My assassin has arrived.
How does this work?

Do you provide the
blindfold or what?

Saw you on the web, man,
I had to hit you up.

This is my boy Riff Raff.

Huge fan of your titty work.
Ha-punch, ha-cha.

That's the, uh, Misogynistic...

-That's the guy, man!
-He's a good guy.

Congratulations on your
terrible taste. Please leave.

No, no, no, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, wait, dude.

No, no. Are you crying, man?

This woman in Des Moines's
drowning in her doll collection.

Her husband can't even sleep
in the house anymore.

-It's just crazy.
-Oh, man, I seen that episode.

It was an ill episode, man.
Mentally and literally.

Poet, man. He's good. Huge
"Hoarders" fan. We're coming in.

-No ifs ands, bitch.
-Pretty much coming in, man.

(sighs)

I want to say you look great,

but I'm afraid of
what it cost me.

Yeah, be more afraid of what
I'm gonna spend at the bar.

TREY: One drink, and then
we'll split up

and see if we can find Olivia.

MIKKI: Don't worry,
I never miss a hot piece.

Barrett!

I see you found another
woman to do your bidding.

Not bad for a back-up.

Thanks. And you hide the
psycho pretty well.

We were exchanging
compliments, right?

(forced laughter)

Can I borrow your man
for a minute? Shop talk.

Guard your dick, yo.

So, I'm glad you finally
decided to reach out.

So how's life?

How are things with, uh, uh,
what's her name? Is it Divya?

Oh, uh, we, uh... it...
it didn't work out.

But, you know...

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
She seemed fun.

(laughs)

Plenty of great single
people in this city, though.

If you can tear yourself
away from work.

Speaking of, how are
things over at BRB?

It's been (sighs)...
challenging.

We, uh, we had a few
unexpected glitches at first.

So I heard, huh.

Jordan Alexis seems to have a
bug up her arse about you guys.

I think Trey offended
her, you know.

He, uh, has a way
of doing that.

Yeah, he's always been a
headstrong fella, that one.

You either love him
or hate him, right?

You know, I still think
he's pissed at me

for, uh, hooking up
with Ellen Wagner.

Even though we all know girls
aren't really my thing.

You know, we don't
have to talk about BRB

if it's, you know,
if it's upsetting.

No. No, it's... no, it's not.

I just, um, I just...

Trey never compromises.

He has this vision in his
head and he won't change

even when the data
says that we should.

And he never listens to me even
though we're equal partners.

I'm sorry.
This isn't your problem.

Hey, just because I'm not
your T.A. anymore

doesn't mean you can't
come to me for advice.

All right? I'm here for you.

(laughs) Well, that
sounds amazing, Shelly.

I'll catch ya later.

Twat.

-God, I hate these things.
-Tech mixers?

Yeah, but especially

these "lady power" ones.
Lifelong aversion.

I was kicked out
of Pioneer Girls.

Off-brand Girl Scouts.

Yeah. My mom wouldn't
let me join Scouts.

Said it was an organization

"expressly designed to suppress
independent thinking."

Hm. Sounds like
a real sweetheart.

Huh. Isn't that Olivia?

Like you don't know.
I'll introduce you,

but only 'cause you look
so sad in your little suit.

Yo! Catlin! Hey.

(whispers):
I'll be right back.

Hey, Jordan.
Cute dress.

Oh, thanks. I found it
in some dude's closet.

I'd like you to
meet Trey Barrett,

co-founder of BRB. He's been
on my ass for an intro.

Olivia Catlin. Kent State '07.
Interned at Google.

Recently started a
regular "crafternoon"

for female founders
in Bernal Heights.

All true, but you forgot about

my crippling addiction
to Bagel Bites.

I was getting there. You Tweeted
about it a few weeks ago.

I saw you on Jordan's
show, talking

about social's "woman problem."
And I couldn't agree more.

We're very concerned
about that at BRB.

I bet you are. But you know,

that was more
of a Jordan theory.

We launched a month ago,
so admittedly,

we're new on the scene.
But we're showing significant

growth among young males.

-Pause. (laughs)
-Let him speak.

Well I-- I'd like to make BRB
more appealing to women.

Our goal is to be inclusive,

provide something
beyond a "hook-up" app.

Well, I've heard this speech
before and my glass is dry.

So I'll leave you guys to it.

She's a charmer, isn't she?

Yeah. She doesn't like
me very much.

Are you kidding?

Riff's hoping you can
make some cameo magic

with the rope-a-dope
in his next video.

A little punch the titties
left, right. Ding, ding, ding.

I don't think I'm really doing

-public appearances right now.
-Black titties,

white titties, animated titties.

Tig old Bitties. Come on, man.
Bust a verse on that shit.

* Oh, uh, oh, chenille pants
stripe like Cincinnati Bengals *

* Diamonds floating around
like Criss Angel *

-* Used to drive the Jag...
-Ha!

* Punching your grandma's
titties like a speed bag *

* Ding, ding, ding...

But, you know that's
off the dome.

So, you know, writing
is rewriting, so...

Riff Raff is in our house.

Dammit, Trevor. Don't
say house, it's "crib."

Have you seen a fucking
John Singleton film?

(sighs) This is unreal.

Uh, Mitch, what are
we supposed to do?

I could make guacamole.

Come on, man.
You don't offer a criminal

in the Neon Iconic
chip and dip spread.

We gotta get him outta here.

Nobody wants to see "Crazy
Misogynist Guy," okay?

Even in a rap video, home of
all things crazy misogynist.

What the fuck is this
"Hobbes, Interrupted" shit?

Dude, you're a celebrity.
Look, by the end of the night,

I'll have bitches lining up

just to rub them
thangs on your fists.

Like in a loving way?

Mad loving, man!
Let me check my

bitch sitch and get
the pawty started.

All right, get some hos
in here. Let's figure it out.

You have to learn to stand
up for yourself, mate.

You can't take the backseat
in your own life story.

I don't think that's
what I'm doing.

That story about your parents,
and this thing with Trey?

It sounds like a
lot of people have

opinions about how
to live your life.

(sighs) How do I... move up?

Just grab
the fuckin' wheel, mate!

You make it sound so easy.

All right, one step at a time.

For Demo Day, you
need numbers, hmm?

Once you raise a round,

you'll have time to figure
out your next move.

Well, Trey's talking to
Damsel about a partnership.

You know, maybe he's right.

Maybe, but if that
doesn't work out,

Star Room has a customer
base of five million users.

I'd be happy to include a link
to BRB in our next email blast.

Even at a one percent
click-through rate,

that's gonna be at least...

50,000 new users.
You would do that?

Of course. My customers are
gonna love your product.

Social and fashion
have a ton of overlap.

I believe in your talent.

So I have a proposal for you.

Is it indecent?

I'd like you to
link BRB to Damsel

so we can reach
more female users.

Women respect you; your
endorsement would mean a lot.

Wow. That's very forward.

What would I get out
of it, exactly?

We'd be willing to offer you
some of our back-end tech.

Damsel doesn't offer
much beyond ratings.

Your users will get
bored and move on.

You mean like messaging and GPS?

-Yeah, exactly.
-Damsel had all that.

Users weren't interested. They
wanted to rate their exes

and gossip about boys.

I'm sure BRB can
offer you something.

I mean have you
thought about...

You're not listening,
which is ironic,

because I was just telling
an anecdote about listening.

You keep saying that you're
different, but I've been talking

to you for ten minutes now and
I have to say, I don't see it.

-Well, what does that mean?
-It means you're exactly

like those "hook-up apps"
you keep railing against.

You use facts and figures
to suggest we're a match,

then try to unsnap my bra
and propose a merger

within five minutes of meeting.
And I don't even know you.

Okay. Look, I didn't
mean to offend you.

Oh, I'm not offended.
That's the other thing.

We "ladies" don't mind hooking
up, when we're in the mood.

If you want to build
something lasting,

something real--
that takes time.

(sighs)

(hip-hop plays,
indistinct conversations)

So what's next for the CMG?

Diversify.

You know, the energy drink
market's still got legs,

and no one's ever
done a two-pack.

I wanna do a two-pack, call it
"Canz" but it's in bottles.

Mmm. I'd let you drink my Canz.

-Oh, would you?
-I love energy.

(laugh) I love you all.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Guys,
I'm so sorry about this.

I... I'll pay
extra rent or something.

Are you kidding me, Mitch?

This is the best thing that's
ever happened to any of us.

And that includes the
time that Trevor

faked fibromyalgia
to get a weed card.

We should probably
call the cops, right?

This is insane.
We gotta call the cops.

Call the cops on our own party?

At our own crib?
Get serious, Mitch.

It's just I've never
seen Hobbes like this.

He's smiling but
his eyes are dead.

Hey, buddy. How you feeling?

What's up, bitch?
How you doin', man?

Hobbes 2.0 is feeling
pretty fucking good, dude.

Let me ask you something.
Who's got more longevity:

me or fucking Ridiculously
Photogenic Guy?

'Cause, uh, I like to think
I'm a little bit more

than just a pretty face,
you know what I'm saying?

That's it! That's my
next installation, man:

a series of meme
portraits, dude.

Moody. Raw.

I'm talkin' Tay Zonday,
in a motherfucking

chocolate rain forest
just shivering naked.

Dude, just riff.
Go, go, go. Yes. Yes.

Uh... David After Dentist,
alone in the backseat.

How about me with Dolly Parton,

but I have tiny
little baby hands?

Fucking gold, bro. Serious.

(laughs)

From the lady.

(elegant piano music plays)

So what'd I miss?
Are you two "Besties" now?

We're at least
"Acquaintancies."

(laughs) You know you're on her
little app, right?

And the reviews for Mr.
Trey Barrett are... lukewarm.

Must be a jilted ex, huh?
Well, let's see...

Hash tag Chicken Legs.
Have to disagree there.

Hash tag Mommy Issues.
Mm, is that 'cause she wouldn't

let you join Boy Scouts or
is it some weird sex shit?

I think that's my cue.
Trey, nice to meet you.

Keep in touch.

Does that mean
you'll return my emails now?

(laughs)

Jordan, always an adventure.

Overall score...
Five-point-five!

God, you must've bored
someone to death.

Well, I've heard worse.
From you, actually.

I mean, if you were a two-- a
two makes a girl feel something.

But a five-point-five? (snorts)

-(whistles)
-Okay.

But, hey, if you're looking
to bump up that average.

Uh, what are you doing?
What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Are you really this
fucking dense?

-Move, bitch!
-(woman gasps)

(phone rings)

(vomits)

(sighs, toilet flushes)

I'm sorry you had
to see that, buddy.

(sighs):
Oh...

Antoine! Get the fuck in here!

Uh, you're back early.

-Come here.
-Is something...?

(sighs)

Come on, Ant.
You know you want it.

-What? No.
-Shut the fuck up.

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

You can't have a freaking
bonfire out here.

Karmic housecleaning, lil' guy.
Look, this is Hobbes 2.0.

He's beyond the ex-wives.
Beyond the bullshit.

-Lives in the now, man.
-Yeah, fuck Brenda.

And fuck Jon Carlo.

Fuck 'em all.
(laughs): Fuck 'em all.

Time to cauterize
the wound, bro.

MAN: Burn the pussy.
Burn the pussy. Burn the pussy.

PARTIERS: Burn the pussy!
Burn the pussy!

-No! No! Don't burn the pussy!
-Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy!

-Hobbes, that's Ray Katzweil.
-Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy!

-He's your friend!
-Burn the pussy!

-Don't burn him. Dude.
-Burn the pussy!

-Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy!
-Everyone, stop!

-Ah.
-Burn the pussy!

Shut the fuck up. That's
Ray Katzweil. Don't do it!

-(shouting)
-Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy!

No! Dude, don't...

(hearty cheering)

NASH: Even at a one percent
click-through rate,

he can get us close
to 50,000 new users.

Men and women.
What do you think?

You went to Michael Lau?

The source doesn't matter.
It's a good offer.

We could use it for Demo
Day and then we can...

The source definitely matters.
Lau is a fraud.

He hates me and
he's just trying

to get his hooks in
you like always.

This isn't personal, Trey.
We need numbers for Demo Day.

Two commas or no one's
gonna give a shit.

You're even talking
like that dickhead now?

What happened to Nash?
Who are you?

Okay. Guys, let's bring
it down a notch.

We can talk about it tomorrow.

No. We're talking
about this now.

I can't believe you
went behind my back.

What was I supposed to do?

Just let you throw
everything away?

This is my company, too.

I told you, let me
handle the business.

-You overstepped your bounds.
-My bounds?

Oh, is that all I am to you?

A coder you can
just push around?

(cell phones ringing)

(hip-hop playing)

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, thank Yeezus
you guys are here.

This is so "F"d. Things
are so "F"d right now.

Yeah, clearly.
Well, where's Hobbes?

I don't know. I keep asking
them to go home,

but no one's
leaving.

All right, I got this.

All right, listen up, everybody.

Party is over.

That means get the fuck out.
Now.

Who's this bitch?

Who's this bitch? I'm the
bitch who's gonna pop you

in the fucking grill if you
don't move your designery

beard-ass face outta the fucking
way, motherfucker!

No, no, no. It's cool.
Everything's cool. It's cool.

What the fuck are you thinking?

This was supposed to be
Hobbes's rebirth, man.

-It's... this is...
-You're an idiot.

Look, no. It wasn't supposed
to go down like this, Mik.

Are you okay?

(gasps) I burned
my best friend.

Is it "burnt" or "burned"?

Oh, I'm so fucked-up on
taxidermy chemicals, man. Wow.

-Okay. Let's get you home.
-Oh!

Yeah, I don't have a home.

What now, fearless leader?

* While P be smoking P's

* 50,000 for the re-up got
to dodge the D's *

* Damn, then I throw
it in the Pyrex *

* I wrap it up and the ...
ain't even dry yet *

* And if I don't get rich
off these rap deals *

* Guaranteed I will
off these ... sales *

* Hit the block, cop a phone,
throw some feens on it *

* Get some work, cook it good,
have them feens coming *

* Stack it all ... a whip,
get a chick driving *

* Tell her open up her mouth
and let the ... slide in *

* Count the re, stash the rest,
now the chips locked in *

* And even though your money
stacking, no shopping *

* Keep it ... sane, your money
ain't afraid of heights *

* And when you see see Papi,
make sure your paper right... *

Watch all episodes
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- starring John Goodman.
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Amazing.