Betas (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Takin' It to the Streets - full transcript

(sighs) True or false.

Since 2006, N.F.L. become
sport for crybabies.

Again, not much
of a sports girl.

Did you even read my profile?

True! Horse-collar
tackle is fair, no?

50 years it's okay.

But then in 2006 a couple
of pussies snap their legs

and poof, suddenly not legal.

Uh, another round on Yanni
over here. Like, immediately.

Let me show you maneuver
for purpose of reference.

Oh, what the fuck, dude?



That's what I say to league.
What the fuck?

Roy Williams makes horse-collar
tackle signature move.

In my opinion why not
say, "No tackle of any kind"?

Make it two-hand touch.
Pussy ball.

Look, Georgie, you're
a hot piece of ass.

But if this is gonna work, I'm
gonna need you to stop talking.

* Ooh, ooh, oh,
move real slow *

* You gotta feel my soul

* Come on, baby,
feel my... *

(phone chimes)

JORDAN:
Morning, Barrett.

What do you want, Jordan?

Just wondered if you
checked out Twitter today.

I've been a little occupied.



Well, BRB's blowing up. Tons of
fucked-up mismatches last night.

That's algorithmically
impossible.

We're probably
getting trolled.

I woulda thought so,
too, had I not

seen it for myself.
First hand.

Oh. So you decided to use
my little hook-up app, huh?

Don't get cocky.
It was a disaster.

It's gonna make a
helluva story.

Give me 24 hours.

If I don't report on
this, someone else will.

And I like to come first.

This could bury us,
and you know it.

You've got ten hours to
find me a better story.

Then the knives come out.

(phone beeps)

* I'm a broken man,
I'm damaged goods *

* Lock me in the basement
with furnace soot... *

We launched so fast, I figured
I missed something, a bug.

-But look at all these.
-TREY: Manual edits.

We've been hacked.
What about our backup logs?

-Overwritten. (sighs)
-(electronic music plays)

Okay, no one sets foot in the
accelerator until we fix this.

You hear me? A glitchy
launch is one thing.

All-out security breach is game
over! Will you give it a rest?!

Sorry! I'm totally listening.

The, um, manual, uh, back,
uh, the back-ups. (sighs)

Kid's off his meds.
It's not pretty.

Well, get a refill.
I need you focused.

I can't. Not for two more weeks.
Sorry.

Does anybody want some Moose
Tracks? I got some sugar cones.

Nachos, as well. That
would be pretty sick.

I poached a few Addies
to get through launch.

May have killed the bottle
prematurely. Sorry.

You're an asshole.

Also a hacker, so tell me
what we're dealing with here.

(sighs) All right. (sighs)

This is what it would
look like if I hacked us.

Meaning what?

Meaning whoever did this had

an intimate knowledge of
my coding techniques.

(sighs)

Fuck, Jon Carlo.

Who?

It's an old
hacker buddy of mine.

Never forgave me
after kicking him

out of Operation
Aviary back in '01.

Operation Aviary?

We broke into government servers

trying to find
documents on U.F.O.s.

Yo! You believe in aliens?

I believe in a citizen's
right to know, Mitch.

TREY:
And this helps us how?

I mean, Nash and Mitchell

still have to rebuild
the code from scratch.

J.C. explains to us
how he damaged it,

saves us precious ticks.

Let's find this fucker.

Here ya go.

Shit. We're trending.
Hashtag BRBwarned?

We're fucked.

You sure you wanna
do this, man?

J.C.'s like my mortal enemy.
This could get ugly.

All this because of aliens?

That was just the final straw.
We were best friends for years.

Back in 99, when Y2K fever
was heavy in the air,

we lived together off the
grid almost like brothers.

He also tried to
burn me alive, so...

I gotta tell you, those W.T.O.
protests?

Made me who I am today.

Battle of Seattle, baby.
(laughs)

Hey, "Dangerous Minds",
time to pay the piper.

Hobbes! This is a surprise!
God, it is good to see you!

That is Jeremy there, huh?
Abe, Peter S.

We are the Four Horsemen.

Don't believe we've
had the "pleas."

Cut the shit, J.C.

Oh, Hobbes. Oh. (laughs)

Your anger was
always so palpable.

Made you a worthy adversary
of the oppressor.

Now, can I interest either of
you in an heirloom tomato, huh?

They're organic.

Look, we don't want
to make a scene

in front of the... Horsemen.

We're not involving the cops.

We just need you to
reverse the edits.

Edits?

Come on. We know you
hacked BRB, dick.

BRB?

Oh, that's that hook-up
app for your phone.

-It's not a hook-up app.
-It's got hook-up components.

Oh, yes! Your new gig!
Congratulations.

You know, I've always
been rooting for you.

Oh, yeah? Were you rooting

for me when you
tried to kill me?

You mean the summer I saved
you from a bee attack?

Those were your bees.

You opened the door to a
shed full of your bees.

There isn't a day that goes
by that I don't regret that.

Can we focus? Please.

Hobbes says you're
the only person

who knows his
encryption methods.

I have dedicated my life
to shaping young minds.

Why would I hack your app?

I don't know. I don't know
what you're capable of.

Yeah, but you do.

Have I ever not taken credit
for a hack? Name one instance.

(phone chimes)

(sighs) Okay, we gotta go.

Nash tracked the hacker's I.P.
to some pie place. Sorry.

I hope this is a rebirth
for us.

Hey!

Drop out of school. Take acid.

Your parents are liars!
This guy's a liar.

(microwave beeps)

Ow. Okay. All right.
Flying in. Here we go.

I can't eat those.

Right. The lactose. Sorry.

I'm a fucking space cadet.
Um, do you want grapes?

No.

I have grapes.
Got the green kind.

Fuck! A lawyer at
Dropbox matched

with a registered sex offender.

They blogged about
it on HuffPo.

(sighs)

-(playing electronic music)
-No, wait.

No, wait. Wait. No, wait.
I got it.

-Will you get him out of here?
-Yes, yes.

I'm done. Just where... Can I
take these?

I can't think!

-Yeah. Yeah, take 'em.
-All right. Sweet.

-Bye.
-Sorry.

Bye.

He was pee'd, right?
He seemed hella pee'd.

No, he's just projecting.

Look, I think I can
get you some Addies.

-(gasps) Fo' reals?
-Yeah.

Oh, that would be huge.

Um, hey maybe we
should take my car.

Um, I just...

although I probably shouldn't
drive in my current condition.

But you could!

Although I don't
know if my insurance

is gonna cover the both of us.

You know, you might
be a liability

if, uh, things were just...

(panting)
Okay.

(sighs)

If things get too intense...

you can always hold
onto the sissy strap.

(engine revs)

Ah!

* Eyes wide open,
eyes wide open... *

Wait. Wait. But
you've only patched

5% of the code, and
you booted Mitchell?

He was disturbing me.

Hi! I'm Joanne, Trevor's mom.
I live upstairs.

Uh, hi. I'm Nash... to...
to meet you.

Nash, who are you talking to?

I'm just gonna straighten
up a little bit.

Don't worry, I'll stay
out of your hair.

Nash, any decision
you make today,

you run by me first, okay?

But just tell me what's going
on with the code exactly?

Maybe I can help.

Maybe if I was building a
simple chess simulator!

This is complicated work, Trey!

(phone beeps)

What's up?

-(sighs)
-* Doo, doo, doo...

You don't recognize anyone?

-* Doo, doo, doo... *
-WOMAN: Um...

Oh, I guess it could
be the dude with the mask.

Bill never takes that mask off.

If he came in, he'd
look just like that.

Okay. Um, cute cat.
(laughs)

He's dead.

Okay. That's gross.

Actually, you know what?

I think you've, uh, gone
through all the suspects.

Wait. She came in here
last week. I remember.

She called me a twat
cuz I wouldn't

hold a slice of
key lime for her.

Sounds like Brenda. Fuck me.

Wait. Your ex hacked us?

Things have been weird
with her, but I don't... (sighs)

I couldn't really
see her doing that.

Hey, we're gonna have
to go and see her, man.

Are you gonna be cool?

Just don't let me fuck her.

Yeah. That sounds like
a job I want.

* I'm never gonna find
somebody better... *

(sighs)

* With you I wanna
be by your side *

* And hold you tight

Oh, hon.

Oh. Your energy, the stress...

I can feel it just emanating.
May I work with you?

Work with me?

I'm a Second Degree
Reiki healer.

And your chakras are...
are deeply misaligned.

But I, um, I have, uh, to...

Okay.

Day she moved in here, we had
sex right in the hallway.

It was like "Less Than
Zero" with shittier coke.

Fascinating. (sighs)

Listen, man, I know we're in
crisis mode here, but, uh...

but I'm getting a lot of
personal shit coming off you.

Oh, you think?

We're getting hacked
because you're

personally obsessed
with your ex-wife.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you stalk
Lisa's Instagram some more?

Seems to cool you off.

Why do you keep
bringing that up?

Just trying to keep your
eye on the ball, man.

Hey! Brenda!
Don't power trip me! Open up!

Look, we hooked up a few times.
It literally meant nothing.

I knew it! You boned
down on Lisa.

How was she? She likes
it rough, right?

Like a lot of buttoned-up
girls do.

-Did you go downtown?
-Are you serious?

I'm just trying to
get a visual, man.

Suck your balls?

Hi there.
We're, uh, looking for Brenda?

She moved.

That's impossible. I saw her
three weeks ago, right here.

Did she leave a
forwarding address?

Somewhere in Oakland.

(sighs)

So, um, who's this
connect of yours?

Uh, she's a friend. She's
a graphic designer.

Does some sex
work on the side.

Oh. That's word.
Sex work is chill.

I definitely consider
myself, uh, sex positive.

Do you ever listen to
Dan Savage's podcast?

-No.
-Oh, it's the best.

How come you only call me
when you want something?

Oh, come on.
It's not even fucking like that.

Oh, snap.
You're from Dane's wall.

Dane? Are you still
screwing that idiot?

A), no, and B), not your
fucking business anymore.

God, the shittier you are
to me, the more I want you.

Mm.

This space is the bomb dot
com, by the way, you know.

Dope floors. What are
these, uh, Pirelli tiles?

Oh, no. I'm okay. Thank you.

I like a little
scruff, you know.

Gives my face some definition.
Sure. (clears throat)

Try not to draw
attention to the fact

that we're buying illicit
substances, kay?

-Right.
-I'll be back.

We'll be here. Ah. (laughs)
"Terminator", ya'll.

(laughs) Hey, yo,
what are you doing?

Shut up.

Oh, I like this.

The idea of holding a man down,

a sharp blade
against his neck...

It's fucking hot, right?

Yeah. Totally.
It's super hot.

Yeah. What do ya say, Mitchy?

You wanna fulfill
a girl's fantasy?

Uh, all right.

Yeah. Go ahead.

-Shave me.
-Hmm.

(laughs)

No, come on.

Oh.

I'm yours now.

(laughing)

Hey, well played,
Bitchell. (laughs)

-Thank you.
-(sighs)

(clears throat)

Oh.

Thanks for the drugs.

Sorry. Um...

It's all about energy,

and love is the highest
vibrational energy there is.

Can you feel it?

That's your crown
chakra opening up.

(laughs)

(hums)

Hot buttered Christ on a stick.

Young man, I know for a fact,
that's not your pie!

Jesus, mom,
don't burst a vessel.

At least offer some
to your guest.

Don't be such a asshole.

I don't even
know this guy.

(sighs)

Want some pie?

Pie?

(doorbell rings, phone chimes)

Fuck. Another threat from
Jordan. We have four hours.

Don't respond, she
feeds on misery.

She's a blogger.
Bloggers are garbage.

What are we gonna do? I mean,
Brenda's obviously not home.

Well, we could break into her
house, check her laptop?

There might be useful data.

That's a double-bitted
lever tumbler.

If I just had the right
tools, I could...

- Door's open.
- Okay.

Owwww! Fuck. (grunts)
This is my Ab Curler.

It's the only piece of exercise
equipment I've ever gotten into.

Shut up.
Will you shut the fuck up?!

Oh fuck.

Okay. Grab it. Let's go.

-Just a second.
-What are you doing?

Dude, we need to leave now.

The word loser is highlighted
like 50 times, dude.

Bad teeth. Giamatti face?

Don't do this to yourself.
Let's just go.

(sighs) Oh. Turns out I'm
high-anused, which I knew.

And Bren cheated on me.
That, I did not know.

What the fuck, dude?

BRB is on the brink of
collapse and you're spiraling

into some kind of
self-destructive vortex.

We've wasted the
whole fucking day!

Well, if you hadn't insisted on
launching early, we wouldn't

have gotten into this
shit-storm in the first place!

This is on you!

(sighs) You know how you still

can't figure out why
Brenda left you?

Well, let me help you out...

...it's cause you're a
depressing sack of shit!

Oh, yeah. You're such a charmer

Lisa left you after
fucking you one time!

It was eight times.
We fucked eight times.

-Oh, you counted the times?
-Yeah.

Ah!

Ah! (grunts) Ah!

-Oh!
-What the fuck?

Hobbes! What the fuck
are you doing here?

Jon Carlo? What is this?

Dude, I... I wanted to
tell you about us earlier.

Can I get some fucking ice?

Are you insane? You just
break into my house?

What the fuck are you doing?
I almost killed your friend!

Yeah.

(sighs) Why?

(sighs) We were friends since
before you and I even met, okay?

It just kinda happened.

Not him. Why did you hack BRB?

What? You really think
I would jeopardize

your one source of income?

Okay, I can barely pay my rent.

Why do you think I moved
to fucking Oakland?

Baby. Babe.

I need your stupid little
app to hit it big, asshole.

We both do.
And not just financially.

We want to see you
flourish as a human being.

God, it's such a relief this
is all out in the open.

I guess I just don't understand
why you didn't... I mean you...

we... we still call each other.
You still call me and we...

I need you to go. Okay?

C'mon, man.
Let's get out of this dump.

Go.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Hey.

-Get the fuck out.
-Ssh...

MIKKI: I used to come here
when I was little.

I loved chasing those bubbles.
The giant ones.

Bet you were a cute kid.

Yeah, I rocked a
pretty sweet bowl cut.

My mom used to take me here

during her stoned
Tai Chi phase.

Oh, no.
That slow-motion karate stuff?

-Yeah.
-(groans)

I get embarrassed
just looking at it.

I don't think I've ever
seen Sharon embarrassed.

She doesn't like me
to call her mom.

Says it makes her feel old.

-Are you guys close?
-I dunno.

She likes to say
we're twin souls.

But I barely even see her.

She's just always off
finding herself.

Right now she's in Peru
studying to be a shaman.

Anyway. I bet your
parents are really nice.

What makes you say that?

'Cause you're a good egg, Mitch.

No, they're almost too nice.

Like, uh, everyone's afraid
to show their real emotions.

Oh. My mom's nothing
if not real.

I wonder how we'll
fuck up our kids.

I don't mean, our kids
our kids. Me and you.

-Uh-huh.
-Just like, in general.

Just, you know, the... like...

not that I wouldn't
want to, uh...

I get it.

Oh.

What's wrong?

(sighs)

I was the one
who hacked BRB.

-What?
-Not on purpose.

I tweaked the algorithm to match
me with a girl I really like.

-I thought maybe...
-God, Mitchell.

It was one line of code.

I changed a single
If-Then statement.

And then I tried to
cover up my edits

and it just all spun
out of control.

I wanted to tell Trey
this morning so bad,

but I know he's
just gonna fire me

so I... I couldn't do it.

Look. I'm... I'm sure the girl
would be really flattered.

But that was a bonehead move.

I mean you've gotta tell Nash.

-It's okay.
-It's far from okay.

Okay. It's not okay,
but you have to...

-Uh-huh.
-Tell Nash.

(sighs)

He's on the 50-yard line.
Fakes to the left...

For all we know,
this hacker could be

a Swedish teenager
or some shit.

Okay. Nash is plugged in,
he's working on the code.

There is nothing to do for
the time being, except drink.

My favorite whiskey
in the world.

I figured if not
tonight, then when?

For tomorrow we die.

Never would of pegged you
as a Dave Matthews man.

-It's First Corinthians, fucker.
-Even weirder.

Hey, I'm sorry about earlier.
For blowing up at you.

I didn't mean, like, 80,
85% of what I said.

Dude, I deserved 100%
of what you said, man.

I dragged you into
my fucked-up drama.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about the stuff I said
about Lisa, man, over at...

That was not cool. (laughs)

Nah, you were right.
Even before the hack,

I just felt like breaking
something. (sighs)

That just means you miss her.

Take it from a guy who's punched
a lot of holes in walls.

So just to get
real for a second,

she sucked your balls, right?

(laughs)

Jesus.
You're relentless with that.

Yeah, well. (sighs)

So you think Brenda
getting married

means she's done fucking me?

I thought her
divorcing you meant

she was done
fucking you, so...

- Fine. Yes.
- (laughs)

Fuck it, right? Let's just
embrace the chaos, right?

Let me demonstrate for
purpose of reference, huh?

Whoa! Hey! What the fuck, man?

(laughs) Yes! Exactly!
What the fuck?

-No, no. No. No!
-Yes!

Oh, get the fuck away from
me, man. Fuck you!

Are you Dallas Cowboys fan?

* Ooh

* Limits

* Ooh

* Limits of desire...

Nash, um... (sighs)

There's something
I gotta tell you.

I don't even know
how to begin.

But I just need you to
know that I respect you

so, so much and I never
meant to hurt anyone.

-Or...
-I know it was you.

I traced the hacker's I.P.
to Pie High.

Went back in the code and found
some anomalies in your profile.

I didn't know you
liked her so much.

Yeah, I... she's...
she's pretty awesome.

You know, once I discovered
the initial If-Then,

the pattern crystallized
and then...

I tried to fix it.
I swear I did.

But it's just without
my Adderall,

I couldn't remember my steps.

And then I just kept
ruining everything.

And then the whole thing...

Relax, I... I patched it.

Everything seems to
be back to normal.

I called Trey and
I let him know.

As far as he's concerned, you
had nothing to do with this.

(laughs)

(sighs) Thanks.

(laughs) Thank you.

To Avinash!

To Avinash!
The smartest guy I know.

Oh. Fuck.
You really think that?

Just in terms of
raw horsepower.

*

-(phone chimes)
-Zip text.

Ooh, Jordan's Cooter?

(laughs)

Shit.

For purpose of demonstration.

Hey, man! Ah!

Ah! You fucking dick.

* And when we get folks
fooling around... *

What the fuck just happened?

* Being a sound, girl...

Watch all episodes of
Alpha House,

- Starring John Goodman.
- Oh that would be great!

Exclusively on
Amazon Prime Instant Video.

Amazing!