Betas (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - One on One - full transcript

(crowd shouting)

Come on, Willie! Finish him!

CROWD:
Oh!

-Oh!
-Yeah! Go, go, go. Woo!

-Is he okay?
-Hells no!

Not after Chocolate
Thunder! He's donezo!

One, two, three!

MITCHELL:
Yeah!

This is incredible!

Woo!

Dude, isn't this awesome?
You come, you get wasted,



you see incredible
feats of athleticism, and then,

afterwards, you get to hang out
with the dudes

that performed 'em. It's like a
farmer's market for kicking ass.

What's up, bro?

-Oh. Hey, buddy. What's up, man?
- What's up?

I'm Mitchell.

Incredible Reefer Madness, man.
Super awesome spot.

Thanks, bro.

What the fudge?

What is Mr. Murchison
doing here?

He's got a bid in
to buy the league.

Wants to be our Vinny Mac.

Wait, Murch is an Agg-head?

I dunno about that, lil' bro.



But, uh, apparently he's
got some big plans.

Wants to take us, like,
national or whatever.

How could you
let an outsider

corrupt the artform
like that, man?

He's talkin' big money.

So, is it Mitchell
with two "L"'s?

Yeah, like sellout.

I'm sorry, Mr. Blaze. I didn't
mean a word I just said.

* I'm a broken man,
I'm damaged goods *

* Lock me in the basement
with furnace soot... *

And I thought oral hygiene
couldn't be sexy.

Thanks. But if you're
angling for morning action,

you might want to try
some eye contact.

-Shit.
-Something wrong?

We launch in 96 hours and
Hobbes just pinged me

-that our hardware's
on the fritz. -What?

Something about Russian spies?
I mean he's a crazy person.

No, what did you
say about launch?

We still have four weeks.

Murch pushed up the date.

And you didn't think
to consult me?

Me? He's your boss.
I thought you were looped in.

Well, I wasn't.

He just wants to capitalize

on the heat from the
founders video.

We've preregistered
80,000 users.

I know the numbers.
Which is why I think

launching in four days
is a huge mistake.

You don't have a
stable build.

You don't have anyone to
handle customers once you...

You know,
distracting me isn't gonna...

(laughs)

You sure?

It just really tokes
my cookies, you know?

They take the thing you love,
throw a bunch of cash at it,

and then they ruin what made
it awesome in the first place.

Doesn't matter if it's
"W.W.F." or "B.I.G."

Mo' money, mo' problems.

Yeah. Hey, look, I need you to
focus on fixing the calendar.

The app keeps setting
dates for 1913.

Maybe we should just
build a time machine.

It's gotta be easier than the
shit I'm dealing with right now.

Did you shower here?

Yeah.

I took a jog.
You know.

Gotta be limber for
the big push, right?

-Since when do you jog?
-Since when do you shower?

Hilarious. Listen,
Nash-eesh, this calendar

glitch is just the tip
of the shit-storm.

All of the phones that we used
to test the build are fried.

We need new ones stat.

I just bought those phones.

Listen...

I think these Russian
motherfuckers

attacked our cell network
with an "S.M.S." worm.

Why would you think that?

Occam's Razor. The simplest
explanation is usually true.

Plus they dress like
The Talking Heads

and they listen to polka.
Untrustable.

You're setting them up to fail.

What BRB needs is
time to perfect

their product, not a lesson
in rolling the dice.

Uh-huh.

Seriously? Are you capable of
focusing for one minute?

It's called multi-tasking.
I happen to be

researching an investment.

And what BRB needs is to
capitalize on their momentum.

I know these guys are
onto something big.

But the market is too crowded
for a half-baked release.

Highlight was the talk of
South By when they launched,

then faded when their app
drained everyone's battery.

And then they
fixed the problem,

and now they're
bigger than ever.

Thus proving my point: users
first, optimization second.

If I'd listened to
you, Valet-Me would

still be tinkering
with their build,

and not closing a multimillion-
dollar deal with Chevy.

When I took this job,
you told me that I'd be

in charge, that I would
manage our investments.

Our investments?
Last time I checked,

this was my company,
financed with my money.

This is not a democracy.
It's not up for debate.

BRB is launching.

I got your ping
about the hardware.

What... what's going on?

Test phones are toast.

And we can use a tower or two.
Three would be amazing.

Yeah, like that chick in
Total Recall.

I hope you're not talking
about the remake,

'cause then we
can't be friends.

What about the calendar?
Can we get it working in time?

We're debugging as
fast as we can,

but the hardware failures
are killing us, okay?

If we'd had the money
from my parents...

It's cool. I've got another
investor meeting in a half hour.

Hopefully, this one
will come through

so I can get us
what we need.

Oh, cool. Who's it with?

David Chu.

Oh yeah?
Is he paying you in rufies?

(laughs)

That was funny.

We'd make Valet-Me a premium
launch partner with BRB --

on our homepage,
the whole deal.

That's 80,000
fresh eyeballs minimum.

I bet you get a
lot of eyeballs.

That's for you.
I can tell you twerk hard.

Thanks.

She ratchet anyway.

Look, I respect
your hustle, T.,

and your whole FourSquare meets
OKCupid vibe is tight --

but dropping stacks on

an untested beta
isn't good business.

-I gotta pass.
-I thought you were on board.

I was. Now I'm not.

Maybe once y'all have uniques,

we can revisit and
talk hard numbers.

How am I supposed
to get hard numbers

without enough capital
to seal the deal?

Mm-hmm. That shit sound like
a you prob, not a Chu prob.

But if you want my
advice, I'd suggest

slowin' your roll and
raisin' a round.

No one's gonna invest
after the fact

if your launch
is weak sauce.

Least I can do.

HOBBES: They got blackout
curtains and a biometric lock.

So either they're building some
kind of electromagnetic weapon,

or they're very shy poopers.

Maybe they're just working.
You should try it sometime.

Mitch, back me
up on this, man.

Have you heard a fucking
single word of English

come out of any of
these fuckers' mouths?

Well, that's kinda racist.
But no, I haven't.

That Motherfuddrucker.

I can't even look at
his face anymore.

I gotta do something.

Yes, you have to work.
We all do. Leave it alone.

You don't understand,
bro-bro.

This is like, like walking
in on George Lucas

as he's sketching Jar Jar
Binks for the first time.

I have a duty to stop him

before he destroys
everything we hold dear.

That's an oddly
compelling point.

Thank you.

Wrestling! Can you
believe that?

Apparently, my input
is less important

than roid-rage
and unitards.

Glad The Murch is keeping
himself entertained

on his long, long spiral
towards irrelevance.

Wow, you're so not helping
right now.

What the fuck is
up with this menu?

What do you recommend?

My current obsession
is the Mundo Nova.

It's a single origin heirloom
varietal, from Baratillo.

It's grown at 1,800 meters.

And it has notes of dragon
fruit, rose hips and...

What, are we fucking
buying shampoo?

-Caffeine.
-Two, please.

Look, I know from
experience that if you

do good work for George he's
never gonna promote you.

You've become too valuable
right where you are.

So you're saying I'm screwed.

No, I'm saying you either accept
his terms and hate yourself,

or you do what I did
and get the fuck out.

Oh, they still haven't filled

that position at
GreenMob in Seattle.

Oh great. I can celebrate
my 30th birthday

with a pay cut and
ten months of rain.

It's a chance to call the shots,
run something of your own.

Maybe that's worth
more than money.

I hear you got an offer
from Wantful.

Yeah. Giving is the
new taking, apparently.

You don't sound excited.

It's a job,
not a vibrator.

Work with us instead.

I'm listening.

Once we go live
we're gonna have

80,000 users with
10,000 problems.

Now my guys are great with
tech, but they're not...

Look, you want an
ad campaign,

I'm happy to manipulate
people and take their money.

But that sounds like
customer service.

I need someone who
can do it all,

like we did with the
founders video.

You know how to play the
angles and you know this team.

And let me guess, you
want me to work for equity.

What, the usual
three percent?

For you? I'd go five.

Flattering.
But I need something real.

You ever hear of Ray Sidney?

Is that the pock-marked guy
from "Goodfellas"?

Ray Sidney was employee
number five at Google.

Cashed in his stock back in '03,
worth over a billion dollars.

BRB is about to blow and I'm

offering you the
Ray Sidney seat.

Take it.

Somebody put on his Glengarry
pants this morning.

What, next you're
gonna tell me

a million dollars isn't
cool, a billion is.

So you'll do it?

Look, long as you understand
a girl's gotta eat.

That means paid gigs on the
side, just until we get rich.

Unrelated -- you
wouldn't happen to know

where I could find Nash some
new hardware on the cheap?

Damn, Barrett, already
turning the screws.

How desperate are you?

On a scale from one
to pretty fucking,

I'd say pretty fucking.

Aloha.

It's, uh,
it's not what you think.

Excuse me?

A.W.E.

It's not some ATM
that you can

just pump and dump
for a quick buck.

It's, uh, it's magic.

It's a little thing called
true athleticism.

You know, you can't
just Ted Dibiase

all over our dreams, dude.

Because, uh, we
are the ring.

We're the ring that protects
the ring, and we are stronger

than the influence of the
corrupting almighty Benjamin.

Biggie Smalls, ya heard?
Please recognize.

Respectfully.
Sir.

What company are you with?

BRB, sir.
I'm super sorry, I just...

Ah, yes, one of Barrett's
young wizards.

Coming in here
pretending to piss...

Takes a lot of balls, and
a real hard-on for the sport.

What are you doing
later tonight?

Um, working, sir.
We have a launch coming up.

Have a drink with me.
I wanna pick your brain.

*

You sure this gear's legit?

I don't need some
knockoff Dell

flaming out five minutes
after I boot up.

Papi, does this look
like Chinatown to you?

Listen, I deal in only
authentic luxury electronics.

Okay. Look, if Mikki vouches
for you, that's good enough.

So, what's next?

Well, I can get you your
shit, that's no problem.

But it's gonna take me
some time, you know.

A couple days.
Maybe more.

A couple...what...I...I
thought you guys

had warehouses full
of hot merchandise.

You guys? Hot merchan-?

Mija, explain to boyfriend here
he best shut his fuckin' mouth.

Give us a sec. Alright, he's
negotiating, McNulty, okay?

You want same-day delivery,
you gotta sweeten the pot.

I already offered him
everything I've got.

Unless he wants equity
in a social app.

(laughs) Social? Aye, Papi,
that market is saturated.

No. No, I like your ride.

That's a real classy piece.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This was my high-school
graduation gift.

It belonged to my dad.

Final offer.

*

Man, Mr. Murchison, we
totally coulda come to you.

-I feel terrible making you...
-Nonsense.

When I see your
kind of passion,

I roll up my sleeves
and get dirty.

It's the secret of my success.
That, and HGH.

I want you to tell me everything
that you know about A.W.E.

I don't know, boys.
Where do we start?

Favorite costumes?

Trevor, please don't
be weird right now.

Um, five-star matches?

That's easy.

Joey Ryan and Scott Lost
versus Homicide and "B"-Boy

at the Tango &
Cash Tag Tourney.

-Epic.
-Ew. I'm disgusted.

Are you for real? Joey Ryan's
a cheating little twat.

He only beat Steen
at Chanukah Chaos

because Super Dragon
worked him over first!

Do you even read
the dirt sheets?

I read the dirt sheets
first thing in the morning.

Woah, woah, gentlemen, slow
down. Try a little foreplay.

I've got a lot to learn.

I got a chameleon named Chance.
You wanna check him out?

Just shut the fuck up,
Trevor.

Murch, I'm gonna show you a move
that in the Luchardor circuits

is known as the
Unbreakable Deathlock.

What? Oh, come on.
No.

Seriously, I'm...I'm
gonna Hulk out.

And he's going.

Trev?

Oh, I'm
his emergency contact.

Trev? Trev?

Fainting goat,
motherfucker!

-Nice.
-I thought you would know that.

Nice performance, Ron Eldard.
Very good.

Hey, do you wanna see

some sick-ass moves on
Dashawn's YouTube channel?

-You bet your ass I would.
-Thank you.

Thanks.
(clears throat)

Sazerac!

Is that Latin?

That's citrus.

Come on,
you pussies. Go.

*

(knocking at door)

-Hi.
-Hey.

What are you...
did we have plans?

I thought we could celebrate.
I made some big moves today.

We may actually pull
this thing off.

So, I hired
a marketing manager

this afternoon,
and then I bought

stolen tech from a
Puerto Rican gangster.

How was your day?

(laughs) Uh, fine.
Weird.

I told The Murch I didn't
think you were ready.

Why would you do that?

To buy your team
some more time.

We don't need more time.
We're tracking off the charts.

Why are you fighting
me on this?

I'm not fighting you, Trey.

I'm advising you.
It's my job.

Is this because of what's
going on between us?

Did I do something?

Because I thought things
were going pretty well.

Nothing's going on between us.
You're not listening.

Nothing? Huh.

So booty texts at 3:00 a.m.,
that's what, advising me?

Do you consult with all
your teams that way?

I didn't mean
nothing. Okay?

I just don't wanna
complicate things.

I just spent the
last year living

a thousand miles away from
the guy I was seeing,

and now I'm sleeping with a
guy I can't be seen with.

So I don't need a therapist

to tell me that that
is not healthy.

Cool, I get it.
And Chicago's

2,000 miles away
from San Francisco.

You know, if facts
matter to you.

Trey. Don't be like this.

I'll see you at the office.
Or not.

I mean, I wouldn't want
to complicate things.

(sighs)

HOBBES: Those Russian
motherfuckers

were still soldering
at 4:00 a.m.

I could barely hear
myself think

over the sound of their
ventilation system.

Why were you here
at 4:00 in the morning?

Think about it.
This town's an innovation hub.

One blast from an EMP-- boom...
the country's off the grid!

I think Ohio can survive a
night without Facebook.

If you're not gonna help me,
just get out of my way.

I am helping!
I'm being vigilant.

What are you doing,
"No Fly List"?

Are those pajamas?

Hey, man. Don't touch
my clothes. Hey.

Maybe you need to get a couple
extra hours of sleep, man.

You're cracking up.

(announcer
speaking indistinctly)

Bullshit! If this
was real wrestling,

you'd be disqualified.

Even real wrestling
isn't real, scrote.

Say that again, you mark.
I'll end you.

Chance senses
a sadness in you.

Man, this reminds me of hanging
with Don Fagen back in '72.

Steely Dan had just released
Can't Buy a Thrill

and Pong was all the rage.

We used to drop ludes and pump
quarters into that machine.

And that's when I knew...

...tech was the future.

Pong? Man, are you kidding me?

You were, like, born
at the wrong time.

The new PS Four graphics
are gonna melt your face off!

I saw Hendrix play Berkeley and
had a three-way with Twiggy.

You kids don't know
what face melting is.

You boys are good
shits, though.

I wanna get your input as I
move forward with this deal.

(announcer speaking
indistinctly)

It's important to me that
I do right by the fans.

You guys are the heart of A.W.E.
There's no show without you.

ANNOUNCER:
Oh no! (continues indistinctly)

How you like me now, biotch?

(laughs) You little bitch.
(laughs)

-Beginner's fucking luck.
-(laughs)

Crashed again.

I'm gonna have to start
calling you Nash Bandicoot.

Do you have any idea how
difficult it is to account for

every single permutation
of a program?

Millions of variables.

Yeah, I do, man.
And maybe if you weren't so busy

playing pants police maybe we
could finish the fucking build.

Guys! Focus. What did the
regression tests tell you?

Are these phones stolen?

Don't ask questions you
won't like the answer to.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Where have you been?
We've been coding since dawn.

We have
a little launch thing happening.

Shut...listen. You're
not gonna believe me,

but I was up all night
raging with The Murch.

-Don't say raging.
-Wait. You were with Murchison?

Yeah. And, uh, I
had him all wrong.

Because the dude is
like the dopest.

Did you know that he named all
the ghosts in Pac Man?

And that Pinky was actually
named after Twiggy's...

I'm glad you two decided
to have a bro down

in the final hours
before launch,

but if you could
pull up your chair

and bang out some code,
that'd be awesome.

What're you doing here?

Your prayers have been
answered, Mitchie.

I'm your new co-worker.

If you dorks are
gonna dry hump

I need to be
somewhere else. Now.

I think Hobbes
is living here.

-What?
-He sleeps here, showers here.

He never goes home.
And his jeans are jammies.

(cell phone chimes)

What I said last night--
that was unfair.

I didn't mean to
make it personal.

It's fine. You've been against
BRB from the get-go.

I don't know why
I thought you

and I...whatever,
would change that.

But I'm not against you, Trey.
I believe in you.

I told you not to
launch because I care,

not because I want to
stand in your way.

And...I might not be around

to protect you if you
run into trouble.

Well, what does that mean?

I got offered a job. In Seattle.
Running my own team.

Nothing fancy, but something
I can build on my own terms.

Are you going to take it?

I don't know.

You know, I never asked
for your protection.

Hell, I never asked
you for anything.

And now that I need you,
now that we're hours away...

Nine out of ten
companies that come

through Velocity
don't make it.

That's the cold,
hard truth.

Murch makes a living betting
that one outta ten hits it big.

And I don't want you
to be one of the nine.

I'm not gonna be.

I know you think that, Trey.

But that feeling
he gives you

of being special, being
the chosen one...

just try not to let
it cloud your vision.

(cheering)

Ah!

(cheers)

Thanks for coming out.

I thought your team
could use a break.

All due respect, sir, but a
break is the last thing we need.

We're supposed to
launch in 60 hours.

And you're having doubts.
Any rational man would.

BRB is your future, right?
It's everything.

I just want to make sure we
put our best foot forward.

You only launch once.

Now you're sounding
like Lisa.

Don't get me wrong, she's smart.
She's a strategic thinker.

But she's not bold.
She's not like us.

Where you and I see opportunity,
she just sees risk.

Most people look at this and
think it's ridiculous --

men in costumes, running around
like a bunch of lunatics.

But there's nothing
silly about passion.

Passion is the one
pure currency.

It means a loyal audience,
need -- a market.

I appreciate the
pep talk, but I

just don't see what wrestling
has to do with BRB.

Tell me what you see.

Besides drunk geeks screaming?

As a C.E.O. What do you see?

(raucous shouting)

-I see customers.
-Ah.

Entertainers trying to
reach those customers.

-And chaos.
-Exactly.

A.W.E. is just a small
node in a vast network

of independent wrestling
shows across the nation.

An industry in search
of a platform --

a way to deliver content
to an army of loyal fans.

Like Bandcamp did
for indie bands.

Exactly.
And I can re-purpose

that technology and
connect all this.

And the wrestlers give you a
cut of t-shirt and ticket sales.

It's a golden opportunity,
but if I wait around

for the Lisas of
the world to vet

my every move, somebody
else'll do it first.

And I sure as shit
won't have any fun.

(crowd cheering, shouting)

Yes! Guy-on-guy stuff,
hey Mitchie?

I never would've
guessed.

-What? No. These guys
are athletes. -Uh-huh.

There's totally a girl
just right there.

Suck each other's dicks!

What he said!

-Woo! Yeah!
-Yeah!

It's your call, Barrett.

The way I see it, you
have two choices:

You can either watch the show,
or get in the fucking ring.

What's it gonna be?

(crowd cheering)

Drop your cocks and grab
your socks, ladies!

We're going live.

Lotta douchey C.E.O.s with
idea napkins out there.

But We. Fucking. Ship.

Proud of you, buddy.

Proud of us.

Here goes everything.

(cheering)

You know, I've always
wanted to drink

champagne off an
Indian nerd's tits.

(laughs) Alright. Guys,
before I forget.

Here. You guys killed it.

So, this is not as much as you
deserve, but it's a start.

And, uh, it's all I've got.

Hey...for a robot,
you've got a big heart.

Thank you.

-(laughs)
-MIKKI: Thank you.

Uh, excuse me.

MITCHELL:
It's good.

I saw you get off the bus.

This, uh, morning.
You never take the bus.

You sold your car.

Maybe I can ride on
your handlebars.

You took the job.

-Good.
-Yeah?

Yeah. I want you to stay,
for a bunch of reasons.

They're all selfish.

You need to go.
For you.

So is this the part
where you make

some super-meaningful
toast about launches?

Yeah. Totally. There's
my go-to toast.

Congratulations.

Thanks. I had to
go with my gut.

I know. Another one
of your go-tos.

Does it get easier?

What?

Following your gut.

No.

But easy isn't really
the point, I guess.

* I know...

I was your first download.

MIKKI: Yo, boss, get your
ass over here!

You gotta see this.

Go ahead.

* I know

* I know

* Whoa, I know...

-Ooo.
-It's our first review.

What? Yeah?

(sighs) Fuckin' trolls.

I hate the Internet. (sighs)

Yeah.

Watch all episodes
of Alpha House,

- starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that'd be great.

Exclusively on Amazon Prime
Instant Video.

Amazing.