Betas (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Waiting for a Girl Like You - full transcript

In an effort to secure a round of funding for BRB's launch, Trey welcomes Nash's parents to the Accelerator, but the tide turns when the Dagavi's present their terms: Nash must go a blind date, which in his culture is a step away from arranged marriage. Meanwhile Hobbes, Mitch, and Mikki bail Dane out after their prank lands him in jail.

All right, let's do this.

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- This is so great.
- Perfect.

* Hmm, hmm, hmm

* Candy makes yo dick grow

* What? What?

* Hey, hey!

* You know what to do

(continues indistinctly)

Yo, buddy...



Mm-hmm?

Seriously?

What's up, Your Honor?

I been sitting here
for 20 minutes.

-Go, go, go, go!
-Shit!

(whining):
No, no, not... No. No, no.

(sighs heavily)

They all leave, Mitch.

At some point,
they all leave.

(phone rings)

Is this guy fucking with me,
or is he really this dense?

-Who dat?
-Dane.

He still thinks
this is your phone.

Dude sent a dick pic
and didn't use Snapchat.



He's an idiot.

Hey, Skinny Jeans,
listen up.

The Chinese takeout you keep
ordering, it ain't coming.

We switched Mikki's number

in your phone just
to fuck with you.

-I'm Japanese, dick.
-Same deal.

Oh...

What? What is it?

Dane's on the inside...

...of jail.
He's in jail.

-Oh! -Oh!
-Dane's in jail.

-Split.
-Shit.

* I'm a broken man,
I'm damaged goods *

* Lock me in the basement
with furnace soot... *

Hello.

-Hey, Mom.
-Hey, honey.

There is a thing called
the poverty line, Avinash.

You dress like
you are below it.

But this is your old sweater.

I threw it away for a reason.

Hush, janu.
He looks handsome, huh?

My favorite Dagavis.
How was your flight?

I had hoped Avinash would
have replaced you by now.

(chuckles):
Right?

You ready for the big tour?
Come on.

Now, Velocity
is ground zero for

some of the most innovative
companies in Silicon Valley.

Just being accepted
into this program

is a huge
accomplishment.

A huge accomplishment would have
been graduating from Stanford.

Are these people your employees?

No, Amma, they're more of...

More like collaborators.

You're not their boss?

No, Mr. Murchison is our boss.
Well, sort of.

He runs the accelerator and...

But Nash and I run BRB.

What is this
Murchison paying you?

-Nothing...
-TREY: Yet.

But he's given us office space
and access to investors,

in exchange for equity
in the company.

This man takes part of your

corporation and
pays you nothing,

in exchange for
the same table

you could have at Starbucks.

How is this a way to
do business, Avinash?

We have free cereal...

and the milk... is free.

We have to bail
him out, man.

How do you figure?

Because we
ordered the drugs.

It's our fault
he got locked up.

Yeah, if it wasn't us,
it'd be some banker

trying to get a menage
going at his loft.

The dude's a drug dealer.

Getting popped is just part
of his occupation.

He's not exactly
Pablo Escobar.

He just moves a little weed
and "X" between design gigs.

Yeah, thanks
for the input, Yoko.

Can you tell me what
you're doing here?

Trey asked me to help
with market research.

And at least Yoko has talent.

You're like Ringo
with beard mange.

Ringo was a fuckin'
metronome, okay?!

Guys, we can't let Dane
rot in prison, okay?

I don't like the dude either,
but he doesn't deserve

to get mouth-raped
in a projection booth.

"Shawshank... Redemption."

You guys, it's like the top-
rated movie of all time on IMDB.

Yeah, no, I know what movie
you're talking about.

I just didn't take
that home from it.

That's gross.

And because our founders
video was such a success,

we pre-registered 42,000
users for our beta.

Right now, awareness is
at a tipping point,

and if we capitalize on...

I think I speak
for Mrs. Dagavi

when I say we are
thoroughly bored.

Well, let me get to the point.

The point is, you want us
to invest more money.

My question is, why?

We need to rent server space
to handle new users.

And we need to hire
a marketing manager,

someone to build awareness
and deal with new customers.

You talk like a magician.

If I may, Mr. Murchison has
high hopes for this team.

With Nash's engineering skills
and Trey's product vision,

we believe BRB can compete
with any startup in the Valley.

There is no passion
in your words.

You're paid to be
here, nothing more.

Excuse me?

Ms. Rudolph, we
own and operate

a 36-bed Motor Inn
in Fife, Washington.

We make a profit, we pay
our employees with money.

I don't know your business.
What I do know is

I have seen no return of
my initial investments in BRB.

Hey, boss?
Sorry to interrupt.

Dane got busted with drugs

and needs us to bail
him out of jail.

So, we gotta go to his house,
get cash. It's a whole thing.

So, we just need
the afternoon off.

Sure.

'Hesh! 'Sup, man?

How ya doin'?

Your son's a fuckin' genius.

-Goodbye, Hobbes. Hey.
-Okay, bye.

We didn't come here today
to talk about business.

Avinash, we love you,
but we will not stand by

as you waste your life
surrounded by imbeciles.

It is time to grow up.
We want grandchildren.

Grandchildren? I-I haven't
met the right person yet.

Perhaps that means that your
matchmaking app isn't

-as effective as you think.
-It's not a matchmaking...

The Aunties have
gotten together,

and they have found you a match.

Her name is Divya,
and she lives in the city.

Top of her class at Berkeley,

fluent in Hindi,
first chair oboe.

And she takes improv
comedy classes, huh?

A funny, lovely girl
for my funny, lovely boy.

You will call her,
you will meet,

you will show us respect.

If you cannot do this,
we cannot call you a man.

These are our terms.

TREY:
It's a couple of dates.

You show some effort,
your parents

feel heard, they
lend us the money.

I refuse to get married because
you need more bandwidth.

Who said anything
about marriage?

You don't understand.
Aunties were involved.

I agree to this and
the next thing

you know, I'm riding
in on an elephant.

You're being dramatic.

It's just showing your parents
some good faith, respect.

Respect is what I have for
Kenny Loggins.

This is extortion.

We need the money.

What if I came with you?

Like my chaperone?

Yeah, that won't be awkward.

I could bring someone.

Yeah, yeah,
make it a group thing.

You know,
take the pressure off.

No, no, and no!

My job is to help you
with your product.

That does not include going
on double dates.

Our product is a social app,

and my co-founder
barely leaves his desk.

Don't you think that's
a problem?

I think you're
trying to shake down

your friend's parents for money.

What if he likes this girl?

He'll never know if he
doesn't try.

Look, my only agenda here is

helping Nash get out
of his own way.

And for some reason,

he feels comfortable
around you.

Don't ask me why.

You're funny.

So after we gank Dane's
rainy day fund-- his words--

I'm gonna drag my balls
against his pillow,

if you guys don't mind.

-(chuckles):
-This is it.

(sniffs) Snap.
Should I kick down the door?

Could you kick down the door?

No, no way, not with
my Supremes on.

These bad boys are
super limited edition.

-Got 'em from my friend Josh...
-Shut up, shut up.

Can you... can you grab that?

Here you go.

Ah, nice detective work,
Veronica Mars.

(grunts):
It sticks a little.

Whoa, hey!
What's up, Mikki?

Oh, wow, those are
super sweet... frames.

-MIKKI: It's hilarious, right?
-Yep.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yep, those are real funny.

Um, did Dane
take all of these?

Yeah. That's Enid.

I met her during one of my
bi-curious phases.

She turned out to be
a total psycho bitch, though.

Boo-ya!

We can has currency.

Yay.

Okay, A)-- rad hiding place.

No one would ever think to
open this piece of shit.

And B)-- Dane's rich, y'all.

I never should've stopped
dealing weed.

Hey, can we just bounce?
We got what we came for.

You know, every fiber
of my being

wants to leave Dane in jail
to get his flower picked.

But I gotta give it to
the guy-- he's got taste.

Whatever. Probably just hired
an interior decorator.

-He didn't.
-(sighs)

So, you were
a comp sci major?

Yeah, I have to say
it was nice being

the hottest girl in
class, for a change.

(laughter)

Uh, so what's your favorite
programming language?

C++.
Insert boob joke here.

So, uh, you dropped out
of Stanford, right?

Yes.

Wow, uh, gosh, my parents
would have sold me

on Craigslist if I had even
thought about quitting.

Thank you.
Um, it was his idea.

Well, we... we both wanted
to pursue our career,

and, uh, school was
holding us back.

Oh, yeah, I saw you guys
in that video.

That was funny shit.

Oh, please don't
encourage them.

Their heads are already
too big for their hoodies.

(chuckles)

We need shots.
I'm gonna get us some shots.

I can't tell if this guy's
marriage material if I'm sober.

Yeah.

I bombed on "Pococurante."

"P-O-C-O-C-U-R-A-N-T-E."

Ugh! I doubled the "R's."
Rookie maneuvs.

-What about you?
-Uh, "Xanthosis."

It's the yellow
discoloration of...

Degenerative tissue.

-Yeah, that's a tough word.
-Don't remind me.

I could have been Pierce County
Spelling Bee champ,

but I placed third.

Father was not pleased.

Nash's dad has
very high expectations.

Oh, I feel that. I was so
overloaded in high school,

I started snorting speed
just to keep up.

I don't think I slept
junior year.

Well, aside from rehab,

which by the way was
a total nightmare.

Wow, that's intense.

People don't understand
the pressure

in our culture to succeed.

Asians ain't got nothin'
on the brown folk. Trust.

So much pressure.
So... so much.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

So, it's really cool
of you to do this.

Nash hasn't been on
many dates, so...

Oh, really? You mean the, uh,
Tandoori fuck-hammer over there?

(laughing)

So, um, how long have you
and Trey been together?

Oh, we're not together.
We're just... we're colleagues.

Oh, so just
the hand stuff, then?

(laughs)

Divya's cool, man.

She abuses drugs.

Uh, "abused" with a "D."

And you take Xanax.

I have a medical condition.
She took too many electives.

Oh, see?
You're being a smartass.

I know you're having
a little fun.

She's not terrible, okay?

Lisa seems nice... ish.

You know, I used to be
scared of her.

Yeah, you know, get
a couple of drinks

in her and the fangs retract.

Do you think she likes you?

I don't know, Nash.

She didn't pass me
a note after homeroom.

All right, workaholics.

Knock these down
and drop some dollas.

There is a whole
city out there,

and I'm guessing
you've never seen it.

Let's do it.

* I like... I like it...

-Yeah!
-Ah!

C'mon!
Come on!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

(cackling)

Whoa!

-Yeah!
-Whoo!

(laughter)

Easy, pal,
I need my deposit back.

(imitating Indian man):
Your driving is horrible, woman!

-Is that your dad?!
-Yeah. Do yours.

If you want to find a wife,
you must lose weight!

We are sending you to
summer camp for fatties!

What? You? I can't imagine
you were ever fat.

I would kill
to have your body.

Oh, I was fat!

-Yeah, I was big.
-(chuckles)

-(tires squealing)
-My parents eloped, actually.

Yeah, drove cross-country and
spent their honeymoon here.

Came back every
anniversary till the divorce.

Why'd they split up?

Uh, my mom was
always working,

and my dad liked
to take his time.

Why are we talking
about my parents?

I want to know something:
What do you do for fun?

Um... besides baby-sit
tech CEO's?

(mock laugh) You know
what fun is, right?

I do, I do know what fun is,
believe it or not.

Um, I don't know.
I like watching cooking shows.

Uh, I'm really
into Yoga-cycle.

You're shitting me.

The spin class with the
inspirational gurus? You?

(laughs): Yeah, yeah!

What, you think I was born
with these calves?

Well, I just... can't imagine

you taking life advice from...
anyone.

(laughing)

Divya has drugs!
She wants to go dancing!

Um, o-o... okay!

*

Met some pretty serious
dudes on the inside, man.

Fucked my head all up.

"On the inside"?

You were in there for,
like, three hours.

Yeah, but we got deep.

This cat T-Nut, he broke
it down for me.

Private prisons are
colluding with the Feds

to control the labor market,

and you can trade open-mouthed
kisses for cigarettes.

Dude, why are
you riding shotgun?

You know it's ladies first
in the Mitch-mobile.

What crawled up your ass, bro?

Um, Dane's back there trying
to front like Avon Barksdale.

Distract him.

Hey, Jailbreak, it's pretty hard
for me to admit this,

but, uh, your photography's
actually really good.

Fuck off, man.
You think you can just

massage these nuts and
get away with this shit?

I got a record
because of you, dude.

No, you have a record because

you peddled illegal
substances, man.

My mom is gonna shit
the soup.

Listen, man,
I've been busted a few times.

Although I can't go into details
about it, let's just say

the record has been
expunged on my behalf.

-You fuckin' serious?
-I know people.

Hell, yeah! So, what
was your favorite piece?

-Piece?
-Photos, chode.

You said you liked my work.
Come on.

I like the desert scene.

-(laughs)
-What's so funny?

That wasn't a desert, bro.

That's my ex's boosh.

Nice.

You think I'm gonna bring you
somewhere monotonous?

Okay, I guess not.

Well, I wouldn't.
That is the answer.

Okay.

Oh, you know what?
You guys grab some drinks.

-We're gonna hit the ladies'.
-Okay.

Let's go exploring, shall we?

-Sure.
-Let's.

Ooh, what are we exploring?

* ...it gives you hell,
gives you hell *

* Now where's your
picket fence love? *

Uh, you need to pace yourself.

I'm just having fun.

Isn't that the whole point?

Yeah, no of course, but you
don't really drink, obviously,

and I just think you
should take it easy.

I'm a grown man, okay?

You don't have to tell me
what to do.

I've got parents for that.

All right, get pretty.

Oh...
(snorting)

Oh, God! Oh!

I haven't done blow since
my sorority formal.

What? You need more than that.
Get in there.

-(snorts)
-(phone chimes)

Oh, God, why is Rob
liking my photos?

We broke up three weeks ago.

And who... who is this chick?

Seriously?
He's banging some blonde?

He told me he hated dye
jobs, that fuckface...

Whoa, take it easy,
white girl.

There are two very cute boys
out there waiting for us,

and this screen is doing you no
good, so I'm gonna put it away.

I was looking for a fax machine.

(laughing)

Who the fuck faxes anymore?!

Hey, playa,
how's it going in here?

-Oh, it's about to get awesome.
-What do you mean?

* If you leave me now

* You'll take away
the biggest part of me *

(laughter)

* Ooh, no,
baby, please don't go... *

(whooping and cheering)

(dance music plays)

I've never seen
him dance before.

-No?
-It's crazy.

-He's real wiggly.
-Yeah, he's all arms.

-Yeah, yeah.
-A lot of arms.

-But it's good, he's got
control... -Yeah.

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

I was not expecting that.

-Oh, oh
! -Oh, okay.

Um, uh, she's gonna
break his glasses.

Yeah. It feels... I feel...
it feels weird.

Maybe we should
give them some space?

-Yeah, most definitely.
-All right.

-Mm-hmm.
-Ah...

Come on.

(giggling)

Hold on, hold on.
Just hold...

Uh, what? What is it?
What happened?

Nothing, uh... I-I think I
just had too much to drink.

-Oh!
-Excuse me.

Okay.

I can't believe I didn't see it
before. So, this is your ex?

Starla.

The desert motif's like a
tribute to how we met.

Trippin' balls
out on the playa.

(sighs) Shit got weird.

What happened to you two?

Eh, she ran off to sew costumes
for "Lord of the Dance."

Started banging some clogger.

Do they still do that show?

Oh, my God,
how do you keep hitting me?

I'm, like,
a hundred yards away!

You haven't memorized the 'nade
spots on this map? Tourist!

No, I have, I just...

Dane got the older version.
I got the new one.

Brenda just had the most
exquisite perineum.

(sighs)
I just wanted to paint it.

I didn't know you rocked
the brush, man.

Me? No, no, no, no, I just,
uh... she inspired me.

Dude, totally.

Ol' Dane's done some pretty
crazy shit for a betty.

John Mayer tickets,
butt play, sobriety.

That Brenda sounds like
she was spesh.

She was... till hate turned her
into a withered husk.

-So it goes.
-Yeah.

Those 'tards are friends now?

Jesus Christ,
I weep for the world.

Ugh! I know, right?
They behave like children.

-Oh, no fair!
-Ooh!

-All right, fine!
-Fragged again, Bitchell!

-Submit!
-Never.

Avinash?

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

It's great to see you.

Hey, man.

Hi.

Hello, Michael.
You look well.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, yeah, I'm doing
the whole raw thing.

Yeah, I love your sweater.
Is that vintage?

Oh it's... It's my dad's.

-Oh. So, vintage.
-Yeah, I guess.

Um, I read about your
acquisition. Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.
Everything's timing, huh?

I think they overpaid, but you
know how bubbles are.

Next month, who knows?
And you?

I was so jazzed to hear
about your beta.

You know, I still
tell my team that you

were the best
programmer I ever saw.

Hey, are you feeling any better?

Uh, uh, yes, very much.
(laughs)

Hi, I'm Michael.

Hi, Divya.

-I love your dress.
-Thank you.

-We're on a date.
-Oh!

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Well, um... I'll let
you guys get to it.

Uh, nice to meet you, Divya.

-Nice to meet you.
-Uh, Nash, ping me.

We should, uh... we'll talk.
We'll catch up.

All right.

(chuckles sheepishly)

Hey, we have more
dancing to do.

-Dancing?
-C'mon, yes.

How high on a heel
can you actually go

before you're
falling right over?

-(laughs)
-You understand?

Oh, do you even remember

when photographs were
printed on paper?

Hey, hey, I had a Canon
i960 back in the day.

-That's inkjet, baby.
-Ooh.

Wait, your generation used--
what was it-- typewriters?

Oh, stop! No, never.
Maybe.

Okay, we need a record.

Otherwise no one is ever
gonna believe this.

Okay. All right. (laughs)

-Ow.
-Ow.

-Sorry.
-Stupid heels.

Okay, all right.

Happy face, sad face, business
face, crazy face, you got it?

-Uh, very spontaneous.
-Okay.

How do I look good?
I look good?

-All right. Thanks.
-Yeah, you look great.

- (clears throat)
- Okay...

-What was the first one?
-Happy face!

-Happy face.
-(flashbulb pops)

Okay, happy. So, sad, sad...

(flashbulb pops)

-Business face.
-I don't have a business face.

(flashbulb pops)

Crazy face!
(goofy grunt)

(flashbulb pops)

* Rock, rock

* Larger than life,
in for the ride *

-Whoops.
-(cackling)

* Larger than life,
and this is our time *

* You feel it, too?

* Yeah, yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah,
yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah *

* Larger than life

-Your lips are soft.
-So are yours.

Here we go.

* Yeah, yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah,
yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah *

Oh!

Look at that, everybody.

My car!

To her place!

* Larger than life.

(sighs)

Nash, I got your text.

Nash, wake up.

-What?
-Where's Divya?

She went to some party
on the third floor

with these two girls
with fake breasts

and a large man
with a boom box.

I think she knew them.

Oh, well, I-I thought
you two hit it off.

No, I, uh...

I screwed up.

I got drunk, and I didn't
like Divya enough.

And now she's gonna
tell my parents.

And then they're not gonna give
us the money and...

and they're gonna
be so pissed-off.

Hey, they'll get over it.

You don't understand.
(sighs)

I'm never gonna be able
to make them happy.

Dude, you crushed it tonight.

-No.
-Made the rest of us look bad.

You got up onstage.

I was so proud of you.

What are we gonna do
about the money?

Uh, right now, we're not
gonna worry about it.

Tomorrow or later today,
I guess,

we'll come up with a plan,

figure something out.

How'd it go with Lisa?

Well, in the words of
a wise man I know,

she's not terrible.

Okay.

Come on, let's hit Dottie's
for some pancakes,

-beat the morning rush, huh?
-(sighs)

* The sun's coming up

* You're filling your cup

* With all the possibilities

* Good conversation

* It's your life you're making

* Bluebirds sing to you
as you wake up *

* It's your time to shine

On the next Betas:

We launch in 96 hours.

And you didn't think
to consult me?

I got your ping
about the hardware.

Test phones are toast.
We could use a tower.

What BRB needs is time to
perfect their product.

What BRB needs is to
capitalize on their momentum.

You don't sound excited.

It's a job not a vibrator.

Guys, focus.

* Rise and shine

* And it's good
to the last *

* Good to the last
drop, drop... *

All right, let's do this.

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- This is so great.
- Perfect.