Betas (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Kid Charlemagne - full transcript

All right, let's do this.

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- This is so great.
- Perfect.

*

(sighs)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-I thought you measured.
-I eyeballed it.

Then you need glasses.

This is a John Holmes-Kristi
Yamaguchi type situation, bro.

What if we took off the door
and removed the hinges?



You, sir, are a fucking
visionary. (chuckles)

Place is a shit hole,
though, right?

Guess The Murch isn't forking
over the big bucks yet.

No, this is
a huge opportunity, man.

You know what companies have
been through this accelerator?

You can't wipe your ass
with opportunity.

Cash, on the very hand--
very absorbent.

So stoked you're finally
in the city, bro-bro.

You gotta come over.

Deshawn's got, like,
a 60-inch plasma,

plus we're like a block away

from the best ice
cream in San Fran.

I'm lactose intolerant.

HOBBES:
Oh, fuck! Aah, sorry!



They got hibiscus sorbet,
gluten-free cones.

-Mitch, beer us.
-Yep.

(man muttering unintelligibly)

I like to sell my recipes
all around the yard.

-(chuckles)
-(man mutters)

I question this neighborhood's
gentrification status.

Oh, this hood is Ponyville.

When I lived in
the Tenderloin,

a crack-head set my
landlord on fire.

Gentlemen, if I may...

Tomorrow, shit gets real.

And when we win,
when we crush this,

it'll be because
we came together

to cram a giant couch through
a tiny fuckin' doorway.

-To BRB. -BRB, whoo!
-Mad inspirational!

Oh, my God!

This is great, this is so great.

-MAN: Ah, ah...
-NASH: But that's my couch.

Please stop.

-(laughs)
-(grunts)

Such a proud people.

* I'm a broken man,
I'm damaged goods *

* Lock me in the basement
with furnace soot... *

Guys, I hear The Murch makes
every team that goes through

the program do these, like,
weekly talent shows.

-Is that true?
-Stop scaring him.

(chuckles)

Mitch, this isn't a fuckin'
speakeasy. Where is it?

Uh, email says,
"Enter through the alley."

Oh, boom!
Murch's secret lair.

All right, let's do this.

That's nice.

Oh...

Hey, now...

Yeah, I could work here.
(laughs)

There are over 300 applicants

for the four spots
in this class.

So you've already proven
you're special.

Velocity will give
you the tools,

the mentors and the access

to put you on the fast track
to success.

On Demo Day,
you'll present your work

to some of the most motivated
investors in the Valley.

Translation? You've got three
months to get your shit together

and to change the world.

Okay, enough yapping.

I'll see you at the
class mixer on Thursday.

And remember, intoxication
is mandatory.

(applause and cheering)

Hey, is that Jordan Alexis
from ValleySmash?

Ooh, I thought I felt my balls
ascend into my abdomen.

Does anyone still read that rag?

No, just everyone in the Valley.

She must be blogging
about the new class.

We need to get a sit-down.

She's a Gremlin, T.

Do not feed her after midnight.

So, Jeff from Teq-we-la
is in the conference room.

You know, he's got a really
compelling business model.

-I actually think...
-Crowd-funded tequila?

Come on, the only
thing compelling

about Jeff is his jawline.

(text alert)

Oh, wait, it's Rob.
We keep missing each other.

Oh, Mr. "Sleepless in Chicago."
How's that working out?

-Long-distance is tough.
-True.

Well, if it goes tits-up
at least you're

surrounded by all these
potential rebounds.

-(laughs)
-Jordan?

Hi, I'm Trey Barrett,
CEO of BRB.

Wow, that's a lot of letters.
You must be someone important.

-Well...
-Ha-ha!

-Kidding!
-Ah! Funny!

I... I'd love to get together

sometime, tell you
what we're up to.

Not a good time, Trey.
Uh, Jeff's waiting.

So, what, you don't think
we're blog-worthy?

Last I checked,
BRB was a PowerPoint

piggy-backing on an illegal
hack of Facebook.

That's a bit reductive,
don't you think?

Until you have a beta, a user
base, some monthly revenue,

something real... I think
publicity is beside the point.

Now is this you talking
or The Murch?

As far as you're concerned,
we're one and the same.

-Hmm.
-Huh.

SikJeans has a hundred thousand
unique visitors a month,

and Discountess is in talks
with Google,

-so we are so far behind.
-You're missing the point.

The Murch hand-picked us.

We've got a direct line
to the man upstairs.

Open your eyes, Mad Max.

The Murch just wants
to sit around

and watch us all tear
each other to pieces.

This place is Thunderdome.

All we need to do is
get the word out,

you know, build some
brand awareness.

Mikki does marketing.

Maybe she could, I don't know,
do, like, a viral campaign

-for us or something?
-Speaking of thinking

with your dick...
Ch-ch-ch-ch... check it out!

What is that?

This, my brilliant brown friend,
is the RealTouch.

It's like a robot pussy...
on steroids.

Cyber-bush is bad news,
dude, uh...

Number Six, Buffybot,
the chick from "Blade Runner,"

-Cherry 2000...
-(mechanical humming)

Trey, stick a finger in.
She's waiting for you.

She won't bite.

Thanks, I'm good.
And I'm tweeting.

-I'm twatting.
-(chuckles)

What are you tweeting?

Oh, not what. Who.

Jordan, hi.

Thanks for meeting me.

Oh, is this a meeting?

I thought it was more
of a rendezvous.

-You weren't followed, were you?
-What?

Lisa seemed pretty intent
on keeping us apart,

so just wondered if I should
keep an eye out for spies.

(chuckles)

Well, that Glass-hole
looks a little shady.

Maybe we should find
somewhere more private?

-And I need another drink.
-Oh, perfect.

Uh, you a whiskey girl?

Since I was 12 years old.

Uh...
(clears throat)

This place rules!

Oh, yeah!

Dude, it's like 2:00 pm.

First of all, man,
I don't think

the company
would provide beer

if we weren't supposed to drink
it. And second of all,

this is about the
closest thing I have

to a paycheck, so denying
me its frosty pleasure

-would be kind of like
advocating slavery.
-Okay.

Is that the direction you
want to go in, man?

You want to be a slaver?

-I do not want to be a slaver.
-Good.

Son, you didn't tell me you
played "Words With Friends."

Yeah, man,
this app is reserved

for one-way communication
with the ex.

It's like a Bat signal,
only bitchier.

Ugh! What does she want?

Besides alimony and
my balls in a pouch?

Aren't balls already
in a pouch?

Sack. Hey, can you give me
a ride to the Mission?

Uh, Mikki's coming in,
like, an hour, so...

Oh, yeah?
You gonna eat that bento box?

What?! No, you weirdo.

She just wants to check out
the new digs, like, as a friend.

HOBBES:
Okay.

Hey!

Hey, hi, I'm Stuart.

What?

Uh, Stuart,
CTO of SikJeans.

We sell designer denim
at wholesale prices.

It's "sick" in a cool way,
uh, not...

Oh! Hi, I'm Nash.

And I'm not into pants.

My, uh, co-founder, Devang,
makes me wear the product,

says we have to
dog food our hardware.

CEO's...

Sorry, I'm just, uh,
a little overwhelmed.

Um, my co-founder said that
we'd have our own office.

It's not exactly the
Baxter Building,

but we've got
free broadband,

sweet snacks,
and not to mention

those bangin'-ass hotties
with the bargain-hunting app.

What's that?

Ah! "Coding Challenge
of the Week."

This one's on Projection
Perspective, and it's a bish.

I, uh, won the last three.

MITCH: The dye
in the marshmallows

was turning kids'
poop pink,

and so they were squirting
this, like, weird salmon color.

And their parents were just,
like, freaking out about it!

They called it
Frankenberry Stool!

-(Hobbes chuckles)
-Classic!

Dude, Dane texted me.

"Yo, chica, you still need dem
Molleez for Treasure Island?"

This Skeletor-looking
motherfucker

still thinks this
is Mikki's phone.

You gonna let him
off the hook?

No, dude, I'm gonna
buy some "E."

What do you think?
25 pills, is that cool?

-Yeah, sure.
-(chuckles)

All right,
done and done.

-Peace.
-See ya.

Hey, are you sure
about this, man?

You told me your ex
was a nightmare.

The junk wants
what the junk wants.

See, we have to make social

spontaneous and local,
like real life.

BRB is gonna define
that space.

You do realize
it's been tried before?

Like Highlight, KisMet.

That abomination
Girls Around Me.

I mean, people still
value their privacy.

Not me, of course.
I mean, I'm an open book

or a psychotic narcissist,
depending on who you ask.

No, those apps were
cheap Foursquare knockoffs

with a social component,

and you know it.
The key is...

You know, if we got you
out of that hoodie,

you'd almost
be handsome.

I should set you up
with the Gustin guys.

Thanks, but I don't
crowd-source my clothes.

Oh, well maybe you should.

Your style could use
a little update.

Sorry, is that too frank?

No, I just don't care about
style; I care about efficiency.

You know, research shows
that wasting brain power

on small decisions
like fashion actually

erodes your ability
to make bigger ones.

Ooh, stats!
Just what the ladies like.

-What?
-(sniffs) Hold that thought.

Hey, fellas.
What's going on?

(chuckles)

How'd you manage that?

I told them I'd get
their skate video

on the front page of Reddit.

Nice.

-Works every time.
-I bet it does.

(knocks)

(sighs)

You look like a vagina
from the '80s.

Too busy fist-fucking your
drum circle to wash your hair?

-Funny.
-What do you want, Bren?

You decide I'm the
man of your dreams

and you want to give this
marriage thing another shot?

You know I have no money,

and I have very little
soul left to shit on.

Eat me, asshole.

You know if you just
wanted to trade insults,

we could have done it
on "Words With Friends."

Who said I need
to want anything?

Re-phrase.
What do you need?

(grunts)

(screaming and moaning)

(grunting and yelling)

(grunts)

(moaning)

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Oh!

(wincing groan)

(moans)

Oh!

Stay out of my ass, Bren!
Stay the fuck out of my ass!

So, Trey gave
this really nice little speech,

and then, um, all of a sudden
this Indian dude

just comes out of nowhere and
totally whizzes on Nash's couch.

And I was, like, "What?!
This is cray-cray!"

My, uh, video got like
600 hits on YouTube.

Check it out.

-Red dot or feather?
-Huh?

Oh, the Indian guy! I thought
you were quoting Jay-Z.

(energetic shouting)

MIKKI:
Total nerd frenzy.

What, did Hermione
just turn 18?

A long time ago.

(shouting)

Winner gets dibs on the Xbox.
And mad props.

Well, who's running the book?

Hmm?

Taking wagers.

Bets!

Jesus, Mitch, you've got a
roomful of stat wizards

-and no fuckin' action?
-There's an online leader board.

Your boy's behind.
Are you worried?

Worried Stu's
gonna kill himself.

No, Nash is like the
train in "Unstoppable."

-He's totally unstop...
-Unstoppable, yes, I got it.

Okay, I got a bitcoin
on Bollywood.

- Who's in?
- Oh, you're crazy.

I haven't smoked since college.

That's your first problem
right there.

Get familiar, 'cause when
this stuff becomes legal,

there's gonna
be a huge market.

Yeah, like Uber for weed.

"Doober."

(chuckling)

You're funny!

-This is fun.
-Yeah.

So, tell me...
I heard a rumor

the reason The Murch picked
you for his little project

is 'cause you crashed his
house party and got him laid.

Who told you that?

Doesn't matter.
Is it true?

Well, you forgot the part where
Nash stole Facebook's user data

and then Lisa called us
a "stalker's wet dream."

(chuckles):
Oh, shit!

And I thought we'd have
nothing to talk about.

(sighs)

You been
sharpening those talons?

I have work.
You should go.

Oh, right. Jesus!

Grab a Dove bar on your way out.
I know you get hungry after.

Yeah, I'll grab two.

Fuck!

What the fuck?!

What the fuck...?!

What did you do
to Ray Katzweil?

I didn't do anything,
asshole.

He was 12 years old.

-How long?
-Three weeks.

In the freezer?

Well, I didn't know
how to tell you.

Oh, so you thought you'd fuck me
and feed me ice cream first?

I thought you might
want him.

That's why I reached out.

Listen...

... we can't
keep doing this.

It's not healthy,
you know?

We got divorced
for a reason.

Come on, come on.
Let's go.

(joyful shouts)

STUART:
Okay...

It is my honor to
bestow upon you

the Amulet of
Epic Domination.

-Yeah, buddy!
-Well-played, man.

So, I packed up all your stuff,
Lis,

the lamp that you love,

your Klimt poster and the
Vitamix. Anything else?

The Vitamix was a gift,
remember?

-When you got into law school.
-Oh, right.

I guess I never

caught smoothie fever.

Oh, Jesus, Rob.
Fine, yes.

I'll make some fucking
hummus or something.

Sorry,
I didn't mean to snap.

You know,
I got to go study, Lis.

Yeah, fine.
Bye.

(phone vibrates)

Um, uh, hey, George.
What's up?

Did you see this hatchet
job on ValleySmash?

I want Trey Barrett in my
office at 9:00, sharp.

TREY:
I take full responsibility.

I was just trying to drum up
some publicity for BRB,

and she twisted
everything that I...

The only thing you should
be drumming up

is a goddamn reason I keep
your ass around!

Hey, the article made me
look bad, too.

Just give me
a chance to fix it.

Absolutely not!
You and your team

are on press blackout.

I see so much as an Instagram
of your dipshit face

before your beta launches,
BRB is done!

Dis-fucking-missed!

Don't even start.

I know you tried to keep me
from betting on Barrett.

But you shouldn't have
let that Jordan Alexis

get anywhere near
this place.

Girl's a walking
shit-nado.

We don't gain anything by
alienating ValleySmash.

They've become
way too big to ignore.

Besides, Barrett went
behind my back.

Short of tranquilizing him, I'm
not sure what I could have done.

Figure something out.

It is your job,
after all.

Jesus,
look at these comments.

Someone called me "Mark
Fuckerberg's mutant rape-spawn."

Harsh.
Was the Murch P.O.'d?

Unless he spits
when he's happy.

This is a nightmare.
I signed a lease.

Hey, check it out.

My couch pisser video
made it onto Reddit.

It's got, like,
8,000 views.

Who cares, man?

You see I'm trying
to mourn my friend?

Of course, yeah.
Totally, man.

Um...

it's just, carrying around
the carcass is kind of weird.

No offense.

Yeah, well,
fuckin' offense taken, man!

All right?

And it's not just
a carcass, okay?

It's a metaphor.

Am I the only fucking
English major in here?

Yeah. How did you even
get this in the bar?

It's not an outside
beverage, dude.

Look, if it makes
you feel any better

you're not the first young buck
to go down in Jordan's sights.

Great.

Women are destroyers.

Maybe if we just
show some progress

on the beta,
The Murch will...

What, forget the
entire tech world

knows he's into
rope bondage?

Fuck that. We gotta hit back,
tell our side of the story.

What is that, exactly?

I mean, she didn't actually
print anything untrue.

It's just, y'know,
bitchy.

Exactly.

So, let's own it.

How many views
for the couch pisser?

8,000 in the last hour.

That's what we need to do.

She's already given
us the stage.

And a story.

We gotta double down.

Hi, I'm Trey Barrett,

co-founder of BRB,

the world's first and only
online social network.

It's for your computer.

You might know me better as the
guy ValleySmash recently called

"more hoodie than human"

and "a shining example of the
Silicon Valley wantrepreneur."

True and true.

But a wantrepreneur's
only as good

as the people whose work
he takes credit for.

This is my CTO, Nash.

He hacked Facebook because
he's a fuckin' genius,

and he got a billionaire laid
simply because he cares.

This is Hobbes.

I don't know if that's his
first name or his last name.

But I do know he
founded Anonymous

and brought Citibank
to its knees,

which is why he's our
Site Security Specialist.

He's still on parole.

(gulping)

Mitchell here graduated
high school at 15.

We call him "Jake the Snake"
for the way he handles PYTHON.

That's a programming language.

He's also fluent in Ewok,
Elvish and Dothraki.

My man here lives to code.

So, how do I lead
my crackerjack team?

Simple.
I don't believe in meetings.

I believe... in massages.

And free snacks.

Now, sure, my grandpa didn't
have perks like these,

but he just built
the railroads.

At BRB,
we're connecting people.

Dress codes
inhibit creativity.

At our office,
no shoes allowed.

Flip-flops are fuckin'
shoes, Hobbes!

By now you're probably wondering
what it is we're selling.

How does BRB work?

Will it get me laid
if I'm not a billionaire?

So many questions.

But ask yourself...

with a founder's video
this awesome,

does it really matter?

MIKKI:
Hold it, hold it, cut!

Dude, it totally matters.

Yeah, the whole
point of this shiz

is to tell people
about the beta.

If you don't tell them,
I will.

Ugh!

(clears throat)

I talked to TechCrunch
and ValleyWag.

They're gonna run with it.

Jordan's made
a lot of enemies.

Nice.

What do you think?

Oh, I think you're gonna
flame on or flame out.

Either way, it ought
to be entertaining.

(chuckles): Thanks for the
vote of ambivalence.

(mutters):
Yeah.

All right.

*

Hi, I'm Trey Barrett,
founder of...

It's for your computer.

You might know me better
as the guy ValleySmash...

*

He hacked Facebook
because he's a fucking genius.

And he got a billionaire laid
simply because he cares.

Mitchell here graduated
high school at 15.

Great, it's like
"Children of the Corn."

So is that a good thing
or a bad thing?

Doesn't matter.
At least they know who we are.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a little
distance, just in case.

For sure.

I saw your video.

Impressive.

It's no Keyboard Cat,

but you definitely made
Jordan eat her words.

Thank you.

I-I'm surprised you're
talking to me.

Oh, it's not by choice.

The Murch asked me to
keep tabs on you.

Ah, so I'm, like,
the troublemaker now.

I think you've always been
the troublemaker.

And you're
The Murch's guard dog.

So what,
we're just gonna pretend

to hate each other
for the next three months?

Uh, I don't like being
predictable,

and you know, it seems like
you could stand to, you know...

I don't.
Stand to what?

Loosen up.

Every time I see you
in a crowded place...

I mean, we're at a party
and you're all alone.

Well, every time I see you,

you're scheming to
sneak behind my back.

Maybe it makes
me a little wary.

Well, if we worked
together, maybe...

We'll see.

Have you... evaluated it?

Oh, yeah.
It's better than sex.

How would you know?

Zing!
It jokes?!

Seriously, though, this thing is
like Oculus Rift for your dick.

- (mechanical buzzing)
-Total. Sensory. Overload.

(squishing)

Interesting.

It has a self-lubricating
mechanism?

Ooh, must have missed a spot.

(chuckles):
Dude, your face! Priceless.

(laughter)

* He hot, he fly,
he stoned, he's hot *

* Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey,
got me checking my phone... *

Disobedience is often
a sign of greatness.

When I was your age,
I dodged the draft

and ran sound for
The Grateful Dead.

That's how I hooked
up with Owsley

and built our first LSD lab.

Wow, the team and I just want to
say that we appreciate...

Spare me the fuckin'
rub 'n tug, okay, pal?

Point is, hype is cheap.
Delivering is what's important.

If we had dropped
some weak shit back in '67,

San Francisco never would've
experienced the Summer of Love.

Owsley and I gave the world
White Lightning,

Jefferson Airplane,
public orgies.

Your little stunt got
everybody's attention, Barrett,

but now, you better deliver.

* He hot, he fly,
he stoned, he's hot *

* Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey,
got me checking my phone *

* Every other minute,
got me checking my phone *

* He hot, he fly,
he stoned, he's hot *

* Yeah, he got it goin' on, hey,
got me checking my phone *

* Every other minute,
got me checking my phone... *

*

Watch all episodes
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- starring John Goodman.
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Amazing.