Betas (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

In Silicon Valley, the right algorithm can make you a king. And these four friends think they've finally cracked the code.

All right, let's do this.

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- This is so great.
- Perfect.

[Sailing
by Christopher cross]

*

- * sailing takes me away

* to where I've always

* heard it could be
[Crunching]

*

[toy guns firing]



* just a dream and the wind
to carry me *

* and soon I will be free

[typing loudly]

[Toy guns firing]

- Unacceptable.

[Grand symphonic music
playing]

- Space available.

Valet-me.

Jolly well parked, sir.

[Phone ringing]

- I still can't believe
valet-me

closed their series "a."

I mean, 800k?

This thing's a joke.



- Listen, Trey,
i can't do this anymore.

Can't be productive here.

Two weeks behind schedule,
and everywhere there's cheetos

and sweat stains
and pizza crusts.

I c-c-can't think!
Okay, i--

[toy guns firing]
Assholes!

- Okay, Nash, you're dropping
your pronouns again.

Try to breathe, okay?

Put on your music,
your Billy Joel or whatever.

- Billy Joel is shit, okay?

He does not soothe me.

He's not Toto.

He's not
the little river band.

- I can't talk to you
when you're like this.

Put Hobbes on.

- Hobbes isn't here.

- Ooh.
[Chuckles]

Naughty girl,
i know what that means.

- Mm.
- That's hot.

Speaking of that,
I'm getting pretty hot myself.

You wet?

[Kid slurping straw]
- Like monsoon season, baby.

- Excuse me, mister,
are you finished?

- Finished?
Como se dice "cock block"?

- [Speaking spanish]

- Sorry.
- Yo, what up, hobnob?

- Hey. What's up, man?
- Oh, jeez.

- How are ya?

Swear to god, Mitch,

this neighborhood's
falling apart.

Can't even
finish a load anymore

without some pequeno
pervert staring at me.

- Uh, yeah.
I was gonna say, man,

my roommate's mom does,
like, all of our laundry.

So you ever want me
to throw in cycle or whatever,

just say the word. G2g.
- All right.

- Do you have any
of that Adderall lying around?

- Yeah, but it's, uh,
my prescription,

so I kind of need that
for my mesolimbic pathway to...

- Mm. Thanks, man.
- Help me function my brain.

- I'm fuckin' exhausted.

- Hm. Bottoms up.
[Chuckles]

- Hey, is Trey still meeting
with that angel tomorrow?

- That's the word
from on high.

- That could mean
some serious cheddar.

- [Chuckles]
I'd settle for grocery money.

If I eat any more tuna,
I'm gonna have to start
a softball team.

[Both chuckle]

[Ping-pong ball bouncing]

- Cancel the meeting.
- You don't cancel
on George murchison.

If he invests in brb,
we're golden.

No more bootstrapping.
No more communal office.

No more Nash freak-outs.
- It's not ready.

I smoke-tested
the build last night,

- and it bricked my phone.
- Fuck the build.

Our algorithm alone
is worth major seed money.

Investors are buying
napkin sketches

from high school dropouts.

- I don't make
napkin sketches.

- I didn't say that.

- You did--you said,
"make a napkin sketch."

- No, not you--

- yeah, I don't do that.

- I--yes, I know--
[Sighs]

* I'm a broken man,
I'm damaged goods *

* lock me in the basement
with furnace soot... *

[elevator bell dings]

- Give me your digits, girl.

[Woman on phone moans]
I'll text you, huh?

Girl, you know
I'm gonna call you.

- Dude, you just gonna
pine away,

or are you gonna
make a move?

- What? I don't even
know her name.

- You know who does?

Scrawny depp over there.

He's about
one bjork reference away

from strumming
her flying "v."

- Yeah, but, I mean,
i can't, you know?

Like, Dane's, like,
a total badass.

- Badasses don't manscape.

- [Sighs]

- Dude. Whoa, man.

You're, like, really hung up
on this girl, huh?

- She's just so sweet.

She has this little tattoo
of badtz-maru.

It's adorable.
- Oh, man.

These addies must
be kicking in,

because, uh, I just shed
a real tear for you.

Don't worry, man.

We'll get you those digits.

- [Indistinct chatter]
- Fuck me.

Lone ranger and Tonto
are at it again.

- Okay, you remember
sophomore year,

- our o.S. Design final?
- I remember you betrayed me.

- You refused to turn in
something that wasn't flawless.

If I hadn't
gone behind your back

and turned it in anyways,

we would've failed.

Right now,
done is better than perfect.

- Well, perfect is better
than shit.

- Hobbes and Mitchell
will fix the build.

You just make sure we have
user data for the demo.

Can you do that,
for me?

Pound it? Oh...

Right.

[Sighs]

He's fine.
We're fine.

How's the build coming?

- Ah, we all over it, boss.
C.I.D.

- We're killin' it, boss.
We're really gettin' it.

- * oh, come on

* yeah, come on

- see, people think
in one of three ways--

visual, auditory,
kinesthetic.

So if we can identify
our users by these types,

we'll increase brb's
match accuracy by 66%.

- 66.6 repeating.

But it's not terrible.

- Fewer calculation cycles,
better matches.

I feel that.
- Mm-hmm.

- Did you just erase
our beer menu?

- Yeah.
- I apologize.

My friend's a piece of shit.

- What? Look.

This is exactly
the kind of innovation

that will set us apart
from the competition,

and murchison especially
is gonna love this.

- Motherfucker!
[Cackles]

- Oh, snap. Valet-me.

Now I hear they're
getting out of the valley.

Copped some baller offices
in soma.

- Jagerbombs for everybody!

[All cheering]

- Ugh, I can't believe

we're getting lapped
by David chu

- and the rain-bro coalition.
- Valet-me--

I mean, you gotta admit,
the name is pretty catchy.

- Yeah, so is the herp.

Well, look at
the bright side.

At least our break room won't
smell like natty ice anymore.

- Can't work here.

Going home.

- What's happening?

- I'm going.
I'm going.

That should be us
in there celebrating,

not David chu.

Look, man, I know that

you want it to be perfect,
but if we don't

capitalize soon,
we're gonna end up

working at your parents'
bed and breakfast.

- It's a motor inn.
- Whatever.

Is that really
what you want?

Working the graveyard shift
at the front desk

with your grandma?

- Fine. I'll--
I'll go to the meeting.

- Great.
Just do me one favor.

Wear pants.

- I don't own pants.

- You--okay.

[Rock music]

- [Groaning]

- Ah, dude!
- Cripes.

- See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

We're surrounded by people
desperate to interact.

Everyone's staring
at screens.

- Dude, have you
played tiny wings?

It's heat waves, baby.

- Listen,
handsome robot man.

Maybe people are staring
at screens 'cause

the last thing they wanna do
is interact.

Like, look at her,
for example.

Does she look desperate
to interact?

- I think you're wrong.
- I think you're wrong.

- I think you've
made a grave mistake

growing a beard.

Blisters, right?

My Louboutins
do the same thing.

- It's pronounced "loo-boo-ta,"

and I would not pay $800
for a pair of shoes.

- Do you know
that 70% of women

won't correct a stranger's
pronunciation?

And those who do
tend to be

in managerial
or supervisory positions.

- No offense,
but I'm sort of

dealing
with something here.

- Sure. All right.

Forgive me for trying
to start a conversation

in a popular social venue.

- Wow. Thank you
for the shot of judgment

with the condescension chaser.

I thought putting my bag
on the stool

would be
a pretty clear sign

I'm not looking
to get hit on by

every aspie in the joint.

Oh, but that's the thing
about you guys, isn't it?

You're not exactly aces
when it comes

to reading people.

- Burn!
- Bad job.

- Burn!
- Bad job, not good.

- She's a fuckin' outlier.

Let's hit the food trucks.

- Burger for breakfast.
- Burger for lunch.

Burger for dinner.
- Lunch, dinner.

- Then a healthy snack.

Look alive, man.
- What?

- Your future ex is here.

- Oh, my god.
Dude, stop.

- What's crackin',
chin curtains?

- I was just
telling mikki that

I'm spinning at the cellar
on Friday.

You guys should
come check out my set.

It's gonna be sick.
- Cool.

I'll never be drunk enough
to do that.

Hi, Hobbes.
- Hi.

- You're mikki?
- Yeah.

- What's up?
This is my friend Mitchell,

king of the ones and twos,

master of the turntables.

You guys are both chill.
You should hang.

- Hi. Hey. Hello.

- Hi.
- It's nice to finally meet you.

Been watching you
across the office

for a couple weeks now.

No, totally not
in a creepy way,

not like that at all,
but, um--

you--you do
smell very pretty.

- What kind of stuff
you spin, bro?

Some sweetness?

- All of the kinds.

Uh...You know,

just--just mad--
mad, crazy beats.

Uh, like, uh...

[Imitating dubstep music]

- Fuck, man, shit.
- Oh!

- Oh, god. Aah!

What a mistake.
- Careful, man.

- Let's get you
cleaned up, man.

There's a sink at the bar.

- Oh, man, this shirt's
hand-painted, bro.

- Yeah, well, does it
come in a v-neck?

'Cause it's a cool shirt.

- Some dope beatboxing.

You classically trained?

- Ha.
- Ha.

- Classically trained?
- Yeah.

- Totally.
It's cool.

[Deep breath]

- You know, sorry's
not even the word.

- Yeah. Way to go,
dickbeard.

- Like, super apologize, man.

- You are a pile. Jesus.

- [Scoffs]

Hola, jefe. Que Paso?

- Common men's room decorum

calls for a two-foot gap
between users

and no eye contact.

- So about
this meeting tomorrow,

you got it, right?

You--you feel ready?
- Yeah.

- 'Cause, you know,
I'm 35.

It's, like,
95 in valley years.

I can't really take
another failed start-up.

- We're not gonna fail.

- Good! 'Cause, you know,

I feel like
you're on to something here.

And, uh, it's really great,
you know?

I think it could go far.

But I'm still on probation

from hacking shitty-bank.

And if brb fails,
they're gonna take me out back

and old yeller my ass.

[Imitates gunshot]

Blow my head off in the yard
like a dog, you know?

So I just really need
you to look me in the eyes

and tell me
that you got this.

- Hobbes...

I got this.

- Whoa.
- How was that?

- Chills.
[Laughing] Good job.

- Thanks.

- I'm gonna take a shit.
- Great.

[King of the village fete
by Lazarus and the plane crash]

- * ring a bell

*

* ring a bell

* six-foot-four
with my feet on the floor *

* what's the mayor's wife
a-waitin' for? *

* I'm the king
of the village *

* fete

[harmonica solo]

*

* look what's...

- Okay, I feel like
my calves are suffocating.

- They're not suffocating,
okay?

- Wait, wh-wh-what is--
- they're definitely not.

- Why you stopping right--
- what do you mean?

- Don't stop, don't stop.

N-n-n-no, no--
- okay, it's fine, just relax.

- I don't know
what you're doing.

- What?

Thank you.
- What is this?

What's going on?

- Well, looks like
the murch

is having a few people over.

- You told me we were
going to a meeting.

This is--this is why
you made me wear pants?

You lied to me.
- No, no.

I managed expectations.

If I told you
we were going to a party,

you'd be in the fetal position
humming sussudio.

Now just stay close
and don't say anything.

- What? Why?
- Shut up, shut up.

Good evening.
Larry page, shamit ramdi.

My assistant
probably called

to let you know
we were coming.

- Have a good time.
- Thanks.

Come on.
- Huh?

[Upbeat music playing]

- What was that?

We weren't invited?

- Look, "all war is based
on deception."

Sun tzu.
Also, 50 cent tweeted that.

- Oh, can't.
Don't belong here.

- Nash, buddy, pronouns.

We're gonna be fine.

Okay, that's Chris mclaren,

designer of the
chicken assassin games.

Escapist bullshit,

but the company's
valued at 600 million.

We'll do better.

Felix abasi--big time v.C.

Invested in instagram
and about a billion others.

[Rock music]

*

and that is George murchison.

Don't let the flute
and sandals act fool you.

The guy's got a mind
like a--

- Moby.
- What? Like--

- bald man is Moby.

*

[cheers and applause]

- [Chuckles]

Thank you, Moby.
Thank you so much.

- Okay.

We got this.

Uh, Mr. murchison.
Trey Barrett.

This is my partner
avinash dagavi.

We actually met
at social fresh last year.

- Ah, yes, Barrett,
got your emails, all 20 of them.

- Yeah, if we could just
get five minutes of your time,

we're working on something
i think you're gonna--

- got a party to host, kid.

You wanna talk shop?
Call my office Monday morning,

set something up.

- I wonder how 50 cent
would assess that effort.

Bad, he would assess it bad.

- Yeah, I get it.
- It was not good.

- I ge--
[Sighs]

- Have you seen these
robotic vaginas?

Well, you will in
three to five business days,

'cause I ordered one.

- Man, I totally
blew it with mikki.

- Let me tell you something
about ladies, Mitch.

They reward persistence.

Think of mikki
as a frostbitten limb.

Cold and incapable
of feeling,

but if you get in there
and you really rub,

you'll get down
to the pink.

To wit--Dane's phone.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Where did you get that?
- I boosted it.

So now I send you
mikki's digits.

And then we change her number
in Dane's phone to mine,

so that when
i ping Dane--

- he'll think
it's coming from mikki.

- Exactly.
- Nice.

But if have her number,
then shouldn't

I just call her or text her?

- Dude, love is a jungle,
okay?

The only way a guy like you
is gonna

get a girl like mikki
is by taking out the Alpha.

Let's humble
this motherfucker.

- He had a hat!
[Laughter]

- We're like wallpaper
in here.

We need to find a way in,
a weakness.

- Perhaps you should
dye your hair blond

and show some cleavage.

- Was that sarcasm?

You're a lot funnier
in pants.

[Muttering]
Okay, I'm going.

[Soft music]

*

- did you ever
fuck an octopus?

I fucked an octopus.

That's why I'm a vegan now.
- Me too.

No, I'm not.
I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not.
I just said that.

- Ah, the rain man cometh.

You don't have
a real one, do you?

Technology has its limits.

- Sorry, no.

I-i bite my nails
when I'm stressed, so--

i-i didn't catch
your name last night.

Trey Barrett.
- Who says I'm stressed?

- I didn't mean
to imply that you were.

I just thought because
of the smoking and--

- relax. I'm messing
with you.

So what are you
doing here?

- I just came over
to apologize.

I wasn't hitting on you
in the bar.

I mean, you're not even
my type,

to be perfectly honest.

I-i prefer tall women
with blonde hair

and a dancer's build.

A little extra in the trunk
is kind of nice,

but it's not necessary.

But a far less conservative
fashion sense than this.

But this is nice,
in a classic sort of of a way.

- You have a talent
for flattery.

Do 70% of women slap you
in the face during conversation?

- Ah, that's--
you're making fun of me.

Fair.
- You are an easy target.

- My point is that
i was conducting research

when I approached you.

And while I can see how

you'd misinterpret
my intentions,

they had nothing to do
with sexual desire.

- Well, thank god for that.

- Yeah, I'm developing
this app that

helps like-minded people

actually socialize
in the real world.

I'm here to pitch it
to George murchison.

- You're gonna engineer
peoples' social lives?

Wow, that sounds promising.

- It is promising.
I--i promise.

- Randall!
- Oh, David.

Hi, I'll be right there.

Well, Trey,
it's been strange.

- You're with David chu?

- "With" with?
No.

Murchison capital
led his seed round.

And as murch's
senior associate,

it's my job to make sure
he doesn't

invest in anything shitty.

David, hello!

- Mm, coffee.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

What--
mm. Nothing.

Just, um, hanging out.

- 'Cause it looked like
you put a phone in Dane's bag.

Which is weird,
'cause he's been

looking for his phone
all day.

- [Sighs]
Oh, fudge.

Hobbes took it
to get me your number,

because you and Dane
grinded phones earlier.

And then we changed your number,
so we could

text Dane, but pretend
we were you and--

- cool. I want in.

I'm sorry. What?

- If you're fucking with Dane,
i want in.

I'm bored,
plus he's a tool.

- Oh.

Um, I thought
you guys were--

- no. He said he could
get some ecstasy,

and I need some
for burning man.

My connect went
back to grad school, so--

- that's a bum out.
- I know.

- Yeah, it sucks.
- Yeah.

- I took half a bottle
of ritalin once

and played crysis 3
for, like, 15 hours straight.

- Yeah.
- Team deathmatch--

hashtag intense.

- Don't say that out loud.

- Fair. Yeah, noted.

- This fish was caught
less than 20 hours ago

off the coast
of loch etive.

They call it
the Ferrari of trout.

Anyone dips this
in soy sauce,

get my maguro bocho
up their ass.

[Laughter]

- Mr. murchison,
I'm sorry to interrupt, but--

- I thought I told you
to fuck off.

- Actually, you told me
to call your office next week.

- Same thing. This isn't
the time or the place.

- The only wrong place
is second place.

You said that.

- You think kissing my ass
is gonna win you an audience?

- Sorry, George.
If you'd like,

I can show Mr. Barrett out.

- Then he'd be missing
an opportunity--

something he's been
doing a lot lately,

come to think of it.

Snapseed, foursquare,
pinterest, mint--

you passed
on every single one,

so maybe I misheard you.

Maybe you're okay
with second place.

- Five minutes.

- Most social networking tools

connect us with people
we already know.

Brb is different.

Our app introduces you
to the people you should know.

When Facebook launched,
kids used it

to check each other out
before a campus kegger.

And now it's just--
it's just clogged

with baby pictures
and fan pages

for Katy Perry's rack.

I mean, I'm a fan,
but it's still

just another screen
to stare at.

- But screens
are how we make money.

What are you selling?

- Nash, show the man
how it works.

- [Sighs]

[Beep]

- This is George murchison,
brb user,

home alone on a Friday night.

Now, maybe he wants
to see a movie

or set a tennis date.

Brb can do that,
absolutely.

But I'm guessing he's interested
in something else.

[Beep]

See, brb knows
where we you are.

But even better,
it knows what you like.

Local matches are sorted

by hundreds of
invisible factors

to guarantee compatibility.

Those blondes you were
talking to earlier--

heh, not your type.

- Where did you get his info?

- He's hacking
into Facebook servers.

- And foursquare.

But it's just a demo.

- Who's the chick
at the top there?

[Beep]

- Debbie, someone at the party
you overlooked

while you were out hobnobbing
with those blondes.

And, according to our app,
a 92% match for you.

Our data says she's into
Sushi, jam bands, and kinbaku.

- Kinbaku?

- Japanese rope bondage,
very hot.

[Bubbling]

[Phone chimes]

- Ooh, girl,
that is filthy.

- Yo.

No, it's cool.
Don't worry about it.

Told her,
she wants in.

And Dane's a drug dealer.

- Oh. Maybe
i underestimated him.

- No, he's just
a middleman.

Has Dane said anything
i can use to get off?

- Well, I'm six texts in.

I'm trying to score a dick pic
in 12 moves.

- Yeah, I would never
say "damp."

It makes my vag sound like
the dagobah system.

- Listen, I have a lot
of experience in this field.

- Impersonating asians?

Give me this.
Move over.

- Okay.

- All right.

Bet you 20 bucks
he waxes his balls.

- Make it 15,
you've got yourself a sucker.

- I tried nair on mine once,

burned so bad.

- Lisa, what do you think?

- It's a stalker's
wet dream.

- She's right.

You can't demo this
around town.

Zuckerberg'll turn
your nutsack

into a dream catcher,
hang it from your jail cell.

If you want my advice,
make something practical.

- Like valet-me.
- A parking app?

Think.

It's only useful
until it becomes popular.

More users means
fewer free spots,

more competition--
it'll cannibalize itself!

I'm offering you a product
with infinite scalability.

The whole world wants brb,

they just
don't know it yet.

[Closes case]

[Brass band playing]
- Jolly well parked, sir.

[Rattles]

- Fuck it.
We'll find someone else.

- I told you
we weren't ready.

- Our algorithm
can't be denied.

Any idiot can see its value.

- Just listen to yourself.

Or are you even capable
of listening?

You just--you push
and push and push,

and you expect
the impossible from me,

and it's still
not enough!

- Well, at least I try.
- Yeah.

- You know, at least
i put it out there

for people to say no to.

You'd rather sit alone
in your little cocoon

and pretend the world
doesn't exist.

I thought we were
in this together.

- So did I.

I need my keys!

[Phone chimes]

[All exclaim]

- Oh, man.
The eagle's junk has landed.

- Oh, my god.
He hipstamatic'd his dong.

- Why's he holding it
next to the keyboard like that?

- To show scale, obvi.

- Yeah, but from
base to tip,

it's only "v" to backslash,

full chub too.

[Phone chimes]

[All exclaim]

- Two! Two!
- Jeez.

- Oh, man.
- This is--come on.

- He's got pretty good form
with these.

- He's got a beautiful penis.

- I hate to admit it.

[Roll the dice
by koufax]

- * oh, the bill of rights

* those days were nice

* now two and two

* oh, it equals five

[phone ringing]
* do you understand

* why the sharks
and schools *

* are keeping tabs
and their eyes on you *

* but I wanna
roll the dice *

*

* I wanna roll the dice

* leave my job
and quit my wife *

* tonight

[beep]

* troubled times

* they're not hard to find

* Jean-Paul was right

* with his take on life

* do you understand

* why a thinking man

* chose to pass

* on the nobel prize

* I wanna roll the dice

* I wanna roll the dice

* leave my job
and quit my wife *

* oh, yeah, I wanna...

Watch all episodes
of Alpha house,

- starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that's be great.

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instant video.

Amazing.