Bergerac (1981–1991): Season 5, Episode 6 - S.P.A.R.T.A. - full transcript

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You have a beautiful bum.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

I don't think
I've come into the wrong room.

- Miss Philippa Vale.
- Yes?

Detective Inspector Fuller,
New Scotland Yard.

Oh, yes?

You're a long way off your patch,
aren't you, Inspector?

About 3,000 miles as the cow flies.

Never mind how far I'm off my patch,
Miss Vale.

I'd like to talk to you.



Oh, would you? I, on the other hand,
would like to have a shower

and a little snooze before dinner.

It's a matter of recovering
some stolen property, Miss Vale.

Inspector,
assuming I was this female Raffles

your colleagues
seem to insist on painting me,

I'd hardly be likely
to hang onto the loot

to gloat over in my old age.

I'm not talking about diamonds,
Miss Vale.

I'm talking about the book.

The book?

- You're not a copper.
- Let's not play games, Miss Vale.

I'm sorry. All this is completely...

Over my head.

Yeah, I can see
why they call you the Ice Maiden.



You've got exactly five seconds.

I don't care if I've got five years,
I haven't got your book.

Pity really. If you'd had the book,

we might have been able
to come to some sort of deal.

As it is, you're a bit of a loose end.

All right, all right.
I'll get your wretched book.

(BED CREAKING)

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

Did the earth move for you too, darling?

Remind me to send a note to the
management about their hotel Bibles.

They certainly do wonders
against the forces of ungodliness.

Fond of dressing up, are we?

(MUMBLING)

£1,000, that's what I'm worth,
is it, Mr Harris?

£1,000 on behalf of Leonidas Enteprises
made on out Jersey States Bank.

Now, who do you know on Jersey who
thinks I might have a book of theirs?

You're dead, darling. You know that?
You're a walking corpse.

I don't think you're exactly
in any position to make threats

just at the moment.
Now, who do you know?

Read your Bible, love.
And after me shall come another.

And another and...

(GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

My friend will be joining me late.
He's a little tied up at the moment.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hello, Charlie. What can I do for you?

- Oh, nothing, it's all right, I just...
- Barney is not in, he had to go out.

Well, it doesn't matter.

As a matter of fact,
I really just wanted

to have a quick word with...
Oh, hello, Peggy.

- Hello.
- Hello, Mr Hungerford.

Now, now, Charlie, please.

I have told you that before, you know.

(STAMMERING) Well, you see, Peggy, I...
As a matter of fact, I was just...

No, it's just that if it was Police
Committee business, maybe I could help.

That's quite all right, Sergeant,
I can manage on my own.

- Thank you very much.
- Okay.

Oh... I was just wondering, Peggy,
are you a good sailor?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

(PHONE RINGING)

(HUMMING)

Hello. Yes.

Yes, he does,
but he's not here at the moment.

Who's calling?

Well, any minute now, but if you'd
like to leave your number...

- Oh, just a moment. Jim?
- Hello!

Phone.

- Who is it?
- Some woman.

She doesn't want to give her name.

Hello, Bergerac. Who?

Where? Right.

I'm sorry, love,
I've got to go out again.

- What?
- Business, shan't be very long.

How long is not very long,
for God's sake?

I'll be as quick as I can.
I'm sorry, okay?

Terrific!

Well, Sergeant.

Well, Miss Vale.

- We should stop meeting like this.
- We have stopped, Miss Vale.

Whatever ideas you may or may not have
in that devious little head of yours,

you've been under arrest
for the last 10 seconds.

If you like or would you rather pick me
bodily and throw me into the water?

You what?

It'd come to the same thing in the end.

Right.

PHILIPPA: Whilst riffling his wallet,
I came across this.

That's him on the right.

JIM: The fat one?
PHILIPPA: Mmm.

- S.P.A.R.T.A.
- What?

S.P.A.R.T.A. That's the uniforms
they're wearing.

It's a political organisation.
Ultra right wing.

Last we heard, they were refusing
to affiliate with the National Front

'cause they thought they were
a load of liberal softies.

I suppose the Spartans
could be considered

the fascists of classical Greece, but
what on earth has it got to do with me?

I recognise one of these photos.
I'll run it through the computer.

While you're about it, why don't you do
the same thing for Leonidas Enterprises?

What's the connection?

Sergeant, if you'd had
the doubtful benefits

of an old-fashioned classical education,

you'd know that Leonidas was the leader
of the Spartans at Thermopylae

and Thermopylae
was the most famous military action

the Spartans ever engaged in.

Right, I'll check on both of them,

just as soon as
I've got you nicely tucked away

in a warm, comfortable cell.

Sergeant, we've been through all that.

How long do you think
it would take them to find me?

What, in police custody?

Sergeant, I would much rather
spend a year or two in jail

than spend the rest of life
looking over my shoulder

for some homicidal psychopath

with the penchant
for black leather jackboots.

You get these people off my back
and I promise I will deliver myself

into your hot little hands
freely and eagerly.

Why do I find all that just a little
difficult to swallow, Miss Vale?

So formal, Sergeant?
Last time you were calling me Philippa.

Where are you staying?

Longueville Manor,
unde the name of Valerie Phillips.

All right, I will spend one day,
just one day, my so-called day off,

checking this out.

But if you're pulling
some kind of stunt on me,

God help you.

Sergeant, there's no love
without perfect trust.

Hey, Susan.

Susan?

First I got very angry.

Then I got very drunk.

Then I thought, "The poor man is
obviously suffering from abrigophia!"

So, I thought,
"Hey, let's do the picnic right here."

Well, that was a very nice idea.

I thought so, too.

- There's only one trouble with that.
- What?

- Well, er, I've got to go out again.
- When?

Right now, right away.

Soon as I change my trousers.

JIM: Peggy, anything come in
from the Met?

Yes.

Now, the man in the picture
is Miles Pynsent.

Great.

They think he's linked to at least
two bombings and one assassination.

That's what I wanted to know.

They're also more than a little curious
as to why you should be so curious.

- Are they? Bye.
- Bye.

(WOMAN CHATTERING)

...and I was talking to...

I'll tell you later.
No, late, someone's just come in.

- Help you?
- Ah, yeah, your boss, please.

- Mr Armitage?
- Could I have a word?

Oh, no, he's not here, not today.
Well, he might be here tomorrow.

He usually does look in on Fridays.

- Ah, well, perhaps you can help.
- No, I don't think so.

I just answer the phones,
stuff like that.

I don't know anything
about the business.

Dead boring, actually.

Have you seen
either of these two men before?

Who are they supposed to be?
Rambo's kid brothers?

No, never seen them before.

Have to ask Mr Armitage.

- If he comes.
- Okay, well, thanks for your help.

You're ever so welcome.

Was that all right, Mr Armitage?

Perfect, Angela.
Expect me when you see me, eh?

And don't forget to lock up.

All right?

JIM: It's got to be a front.

CROZIER: So they have
sloppy business methods?

That doesn't make them
a front for anything,

let alone a terroist organisation
like S.P.A.R.T.A.

You still haven't explained
why you think there's a connection.

A cheque for £1,000
made out to a known terroist.

You known terroist
is called Miles Pynsent,

the name on the cheque is John Harris.

I have direct evidence
linking that cheque to Pynsent.

- What evidence?
- Look, just get me permission

to look through the bank records
of Leonidas and I'll guarantee you

that some of those payments
can be traced directly to S.P.A.R.T.A.

Oh, come on, Jim, what is this?

You know as well as I do
it works the other way around.

Never mind, forget it.

Yes, I will.
I think you should do the same.

Charles Hungerford here,

Hello, Mr... Charles? This is Peggy.

Oh, hello, Peggy! How are you?

I should just like to say

I should very much like
to accept your invitation.

Oh, well, that's marvellous! I am glad.

- Saturday, then.
- Fine, Charlie, I'll see you then.

Splendid, splendid.

Bye, then, Peggy.

PHILIPPA: So now I'm the star witness?
JIM: Looks like it.

Look, Philippa, there's no way
I can go any further with this

without your testimony
linking the cheque to Pynsent.

And you really think they'll believe me?

Well, they might.

They might. And they might just think
it's the Ice Maiden

laying another of her smoke screens
and toss me into a cosy little cell.

And when they come in one morning
and find me the teensiest bit dead

under mysterious circumstance,

they'll say, "Poor old Philippa.
She was telling the truth after all."

- Such a comfort.
- Yeah, I agree with that.

But it is stalemate, Philippa, and
there's nothing more I can do about it.

Nothing you can do?

Fancy a grape?

Well, well.

Well, well.

Well, well.

- Bergerac.
- Sergeant, dear.

Some rather interesting papers
have just come into my possession.

Sorry to disturb you.

I suppose there's no question
of my being told what's going on.

JIM: Soon as I get back, I promise you.

Oh, and when will that be?
Just so I can pencil it in my diary.

Oh, Susan.

Oh, Miss Phillips,
there's a gentleman to see you.

Good. I've been expecting him.

Yes, he said so.
He insisted on waiting in your room.

- I hope I've done the right thing.
- Yes, of course you did.

Have I got a surprise for you.

Oh, goody goody.

I love surprises.

Tools of the trade?

Listen, I've already been to the police.

They're not sure
whether to believe me or not

but if I turn up dead suddenly,

even they won't have a problem
making up their minds.

- You went to the police?
- Yes.

And they said never mind that
there's a warrant out for your arrest,

you just go and take a nice little
holiday in one of our local hotels.

Listen...

Anyway, love, there isn't going to be
anything suspicious about your death.

You're just going
to have a heart attack.

No doubt brought on
by remorse at your evil

past.

- Turn and turn about, eh, love?
- What I...

Fair enough.

Miss Phillips, please,
she's expecting me.

Uh, but she already has a visitor, sir.

- You what?
- She already has a visitor.

No...

It won't take very long, love.

Just got to find a vein.

It'll take about six seconds
for the air to each your heart,

and then, poof, all over.

(PHILIPPA MOANS)

(SHOUTING)

You should be glad it came out cleanly.

Yeah, I'm on the verge
of sobbing with gratitude.

Serves you right
for not rescuing me sooner.

I'm sure you were outside
that door for hours.

Well, it's the best I can do
for the time being.

You ought to get it looked at properly.

That needle could have been in
dozen of prospective corpses.

- Your shirt, Sergeant.
- Thank you, Miss Vale.

A couple of hundred years ago

I seem to remember you saying
something about some papers.

Guess who is the parent company
of Leonidas Enterprises.

- I've got no idea.
- Hamerco International.

- What, Sir Clive Hamer?
- None other.

Oh, come on, Philippa.

- What's the matter?
- You know who he is, don't you?

Yes, the acceptable face of capitalism,
patron of the arts, etcetera, etcetera.

Can you imagine a better cover

than being the intellectual and
financial muscle behind S.P.A.R.T.A.?

- No, I can't buy that.
- But it's here in black and white.

I'm not disputing
he's the head of Leonidas,

but it doesn't necessarily
mean anything, does it?

Not necessarily, no.

Maybe Pynsent
is a fully qualified doctor

who was just trying to inoculate me
against whooping cough.

I'll tell you something else.

Your precious Sir Clive
has a fort on the island of...

- Chausey.
- Right.

Which is exactly 20 miles from Jersey,

20 miles from where S.P.A.R.T.A.
keeps its money box.

Of course, I expect
it's just another coincidence.

All right, Philippa,

but it doesn't tell me
how you're tried in with it, does it?

What are you holding back?

Oh, I'm not holding anything back,
Sergeant dear.

I wanted to see if you'd be convinced
before I gave you the clincher.

You may also know that Sir Clive Hamer
has a very attractive wife

- about 10 years his junior.
- So?

To whom, just over a year ago,

he gave a very valuable and ornate
diamond choker as a birthday present.

Oh, I see.

Quite. Of course, I would flatly deny it

if you were to repeat
this conversation to anyone,

but there's the vague possibility
that I removed that choker

from the safe in Sir Clive's study
about 10 months ago.

Just the vague possibility?
And is there also a vague possibility

that you helped yourself to this
famous book while you were about it?

No, that's the whole thing.
I don't know anything about any book.

- Well, what makes him think you do?
- I don't know.

We'll just have to ask him, won't we?

At last!

My God. You look terrible.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I have felt better in my time.

Well, you just sit down here
and tell me all about it.

- In you own words...
- Hey, watch that arm!

- Is it painful?
- Yes, it is.

- It's getting better.
- And better?

And better? And better?

SUSAN: I'm not altogether reassured,
you know.

I always thought your relationship
was a bit iffy with Philippa Vale.

My relationship with Philippa Vale
is purely professional,

and it will end with her
seeing the inside of a police cell.

And in the meantime
you and she are going off

on a nice little cosy trip
to a romantic French island, hmm?

If and when we go to Chausey,
I promise you, I promise you,

absolutely nothing will happen
between me and her.

Anyways, nothing I can do
until the weekend.

There's no way I can get Crozier
to give me some time off.

And in the interim
you'll just have to pop into her hotel

every once in a while

to make sure
that everything is all right.

Look, if you're so worried about her,
why don't you come in tomorrow morning?

Meet her for yourself.

Okay, Sergeant.

Uh, Miss Phillips, please.

- Ah, Sergeant Bergeac?
- That's right, yeah.

- The lady left this for you.
- Left?

Hadn't you better read it,
Sergeant dear?

PHILIPPA: Sergeant dear,
I didn't really fancy hanging around

waiting for our friend with a needle
to have another go

while you dealt
with all those complicated,

personal and professional
problems of yours,

so I thought I'd press on
and take a look for myself.

Do join me at the weekend.

Always assuming you can get away,
of course.

Spoilt, thoughtless, stupid little...

Hello! Excuse me!
I wish to see Sir Clive Hamer.

Here, you have a go, Peggy.

Are you enjoying yourself?

- It's wonderful!
- Good.

You wait till we get to Chausey.
You'll love the old fort.

- Fort?
- It belongs to a friend of mine.

Well, an acquaintance really.

He told me to look him up
anytime I was over on the island.

Sounds interesting.

He's a splendid chap, Sir Clive Hamer.
You'll like him.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Lady Hamer.

- Is my husband expecting you?
- Not exactly expecting, no,

but I did get the general impression
he'd like a few words with me.

Really?

Miss Vale.

- What a pleasant surprise.
- Sir Clive.

Good of you to come all this way
to see me.

Please come this way.

- Where are you going, Christine?
- Only down to the causeway.

As you wish.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Please follow me.

Do come in.

Please, sit down.

Well, I've admired your resource
for sometime, Miss Vale.

Now it would appear I have to
admire your courage as well.

You certainly believe
in walking into the lion's den.

- I'm so glad.
- I'm sorry?

I'm so glad we're not going to have
any "What is this all about?" nonsense.

As for being brave,
I hardly think I'm in any danger,

especially as I still
have your property.

So, you do have the notebook.

Of course. How else would
I have known where to come?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Well, I must apologise for the crudity
of my employees, Miss Vale,

but you see, your silence on this matter
was so inexplicable.

I expected some financial demand for
the notebook within days of its theft.

It was sometime before I realised
what was going on in your mind.

Oh, yes?

You see,
you're not a blackmailer by nature.

But you realised that the notebook
gave you considerable power.

Not only over myself,

but over several other
very influential people.

So you thought
that you'd save it for a rainy day.

So that if ever you happened to
be picked up by the police,

you'd find yourself with friends
in very, very high places.

- I'm right, aren't I?
- Oh, absolutely right, Sir Clive.

Though I must say, the vague possibility

that I might one day
ask a small favour of you

hardly seems to justify assassination.

Well, I must say
I'm rather pleased we didn't succeed.

How sweet. You have
a very forgiving nature, Sir Clive.

Do I?

I must say, it was my wife's hysteria

on finding the safe open
and her wretched jewels missing

that I find
the hardest thing to forgive.

However,

I can hardly hold you responsible
for my wife's neuroses now, can I?

Now, I take it you're here
to propose some sort of deal, hmm?

Yes. As you've been such a bad sport
about the whole thing,

I thought we could move onto to plan B.

- Plan B?
- Yes.

I give you your notebook,
you give me £10,000

and allow me to grow old gracefully.

I think I'd prefer plan C.

You give me the notebook,
I call off my hounds

and I give you nothing at all.

Oh, well, it was worth a try.

You'll have your notebook back
within 24 hours.

Splendid. Splendid.
Look forward to hearing from you.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Bang. You're dead.

JIM: It was a stupid thing to do!
Stupid and bloody dangerous.

I'm not sure I'm altogether answerable
to you for my actions, Sergeant!

Not answerable? Do you know, as far as
my Chief Inspector is concerned,

I'm at this moment in bed
with a bad case of flu.

Hope he never checks it out.

- Well, you didn't have to come!
- No, I didn't have to come.

I just had this rather perverse idea
that I'd rather not stumble across you

lying about somewhere
with a bullet through your head.

Oh, Sergeant, our first quarrel.

Do you ever listen?

Was there a notebook?

Well, I vaguely remember
a big red book of some sort,

but I didn't even give it
a second glance.

Well, if you haven't got the book,
who has?

Hamer said it was his wife
who found the safe open.

You're in my way!

That's most impressive, Lady Hamer.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

But I'm afraid...
Actually, this is private property.

Yeah, I know that.

My name's Sergeant Bergerac
from Jersey States Police.

Oh, my.

Did you want...
Were you looking for my husband?

No, I was looking for you, Lady Hamer.

I was wondering if you'd let me
take a look at that notebook.

- What notebook?
- Hmm?

Well, the notebook you took from
your husband's safe a few months back.

I've... I've no idea
what you're talking about.

Well, perhaps I'd better have a word
with your husband after all.

No, don't, please.

- Well, I'd better if you can't help me.
- I can. I can.

- I don't understand.
- Lady Hamer...

A very good friend of mine is in danger

because your husband thinks
she took that notebook.

CHRISTINE: We can't talk here.

Well, as I said, very impressive that.

I thought I'd make the ruined fort
my next subject.

Oh, yeah?

Hello. It's a lovely day, isn't it?

Psst!

Thank you for coming, Lady Hamer.

Didn't really seem that
I had a lot of choice.

- We must hurry, we haven't much time.
- Okay.

Lady Hamer, I know that you're afraid
of your husband.

Yes, I am.

- Did you take that notebook?
- Yes.

If that book contains
incriminating evidence...

You mean you don't know
what's in that book?

No, not really.

The story
of my husband's life, Sergeant.

His real life.

Records, evidence about how
he and his other respectable friends

have set up and paid for every
sick little activity you can imagine.

JIM: Such as?
CHRISTINE: Racist riots.

Beatings up. Bombings.
Even one or two killings.

All to set up an atmosphere
of panic and anarchy

so my husband and his friends
can step in.

You'd better give me the book,
hadn't you?

I've told you, I can't.
I haven't got it.

It's still there,
it's still in his study.

- What?
- I couldn't sleep that night.

I often can't sleep.
But that night I'd run out of pills.

I thought maybe
if I got myself a drink...

In those days the house wasn't guarded
the way it is now.

I came downstairs and...

Then I saw you, Miss Vale,
coming out of the study.

I had always wanted
to get into that room

and find something
that would tell the world

what he was really like.

I'd only read two or three pages
and I knew that I had it.

If I used the book properly there was
no way he could refuse to let me go.

Someone's broken into the safe!

And I had it.
Right there in my hands.

All I could think of was,
"He'll find it!

"He'll find it!
And then what will Clive do?

"What will he do to me
when he finds out what I have done?"

CLIVE: What the hell are you doing here?

The diamonds, they've gone! The door
was open and the safe open, too!

Pynsent, you find out whoever did this.

You do what you have to do
but you get me that book back!

You get me that book back!

- What about my diamonds?
- Shut up!

Shut up about your bloody jewels!

Damn it!

And I knew they'd eventually find you.
I'm so soy.

Please, don't put yourself out
on my account.

You mean you never got the book back?

The doors are always locked,
day and night.

I'm watched all the time.
It's like a prison.

Where exactly did you put it?

I stuffed it down the side
of his leather chair.

The one he sits in every day.

(LAUGHTER ECHOING)

Where have you been?

Drop dead!

You must admit it's wonderful, Sergeant.
The rich and powerful Clive Hamer

sweating blood
over his precious notebook,

utilising all the resources of his
nasty little organisation to recover it.

And all the time it's been
underneath his supercilious behind.

Still think I ought to get in touch with
the French Police and get a warrant.

Do you honestly think the French Police
would move against a man like Hamer

without something tangible to go on?
No. My way is much better, honestly.

Don't think I don't appreciate
the concern.

Or everything else you've done for me.

Well, I always was a bit soft
in the head. Well, I better go.

- We'll take about it tomorrow, okay?
- All right.

Of course, we both know
you don't actually have to go anywhere.

Well, actually, I think I better.

Oh, I see. Yes, of course.

Silly me.

Good night, Sergeant.

Well, there we are.

Come on, Peggy.
We'll go and have a spot of breakfast

in the local hotel before we
take a stroll up to Fort Lyons.

I think you'll like it. It's a most
beautiful place when you get up there.

You'll be surprised.

Oh, Charlie, this looks nice.

I think you'll like it, Peggy,
it's very nice.

They do a very good breakfast here.

- Bonjour!
- Bonjour, monsieur.

(FALTERING FRENCH)

...as hunrgy as horses.

Can you manage something
in the way of breakfast for us?

Oh, good.

Oh, very good.

- Hey, hang on a minute, isn't that...
- What?

It blooming well is, you know!

- Well, Jim.
- Charlie, what are you doing here?

I was just going to ask you
the same thing, funnily enough.

- JIM: Ah, well...
- And Miss Vale, isn't it?

- So, how have you been keeping?
- Have we met?

Once before,
under very similar circumstances.

I take it Barney Crozier
knows you're over here, does he, Jim?

- Charlie...
- Only the last thing I heard

- you were laid up in bed with flu.
- Um...

Aren't you going to introduce me
to your wife?

Eh? Well, no, I mean...

- Philippa Vale, this is Peggy Masters.
- Hello.

How do you do?
Come here regularly, do you?

Just a minute...

What are you doing here
at this hour of the morning?

Never mind what I'm doing.
I've every right to be here.

I'm sure you have, Charlie.

- It is the 1980s after all.
- It's nothing to do with the 1980s!

- Won't breathe a word, Charlie.
- Neither will I. Promise.

Just a minute!

Must rush,
not all of us are here for pleasure.

- But, Jim. Jim! Jim!
- Charlie! Now don't make a fuss.

He's no right to cast aspersions
on my character.

- I've never heard anything like it!
- Come and sit down.

(CHARLIE GRUMBLING)

Thank you.

- I know what we'll use. Leave it to me.
- I'm putty in your hand, James.

(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

- Good morning, Sir Clive.
- Miss Vale.

PHILIPPA: A small token of my esteem.

How very sensible of you.

I take it you did not have to go too far
to locate it.

Not all that far, no.

Well, if it's all the same with you,
Sir Clive,

I think it's time
I got back to my sunbathing.

It's been interesting knowing you.

- The honour of the Spartans?
- Honour is for those who've earned it.

It's a quality wasted on petty thieves
and blackmailers.

Still, in one sense
I am keeping my word to you.

I promised you
that if you returned the notebook,

you need no longer be worried
about being pursued by any of my people.

I can assure you
that in a very shot space of time,

you need no longe be worried
about being pursued by anybody at all.

(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

What on earth?

- Sir Clive Hamer?
- What is the meaning of this?

Sir Clive, my name is Bergerac.

I'm a Sergeant
of the Jersey States Police.

Possibly. Even so, this does not give
you the right to come bursting in...

Very sorry to disturb you,
but we have reason to believe

that you are harbouring
a fugitive from justice

and I see
that my information is correct.

Miss Vale.

Sergeant, how lovely to see you
after all this time.

I'm sure I don't need to remind you that
Chausey is under French jurisdiction,

and this woman is a guest in my house.

Look, Sir Clive, I don't know
what she's been telling you,

but this young woman is wanted
on the British mainland

for seveal thefts of valuable diamonds.

The Jersey police
would also like a word with her.

Even so, as you have no warrant...

I don't need a warrant to arrest
a known fugitive.

I mean a warrant to enter my house.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I don't understand your attitude.

I've already told you that this
young woman's a known jewel thief.

I can't understand your objection is
to my arresting her.

Sergeant,

all I am saying is that there's a proper
way of going about these things.

It's all right, Sergeant.

I'll come quietly. Please don't put
yourself out on my account, Sir Clive.

I'd hate to see
your naturally chivalous nature

getting you into trouble
with the police.

Yes, well, as the lady seems to have
no objection to coming with me,

I take it you have none either,
Sir Clive.

None whatsoever.

Please carry on with whatever
you imagine your duty to be.

Thank you.

Philippa Vale, I arrest you on charges
of robbery on the British mainland.

You do not have to say anything
unless you wish to do so,

but if you do say anything,
it may be given in evidence.

- What lovely diction you have, Sergeant.
- I'm sorry to disturb you, Sir Clive.

- What the hell is going on?
- It's all okay.

You're surely not letting them go?

You can't get rid of a policeman
the same way as you can a petty thief.

- God knows who knows he's here.
- But they're working together.

After them!

Well, it's called
Fort Lyons, Peggy, and uh,

the island belonged to
the same French family for years

and they've converted this into what
is really the most beautiful house

you can ever imagine.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Hello, Jim.

- Excuse us.
- Jim, what the hell's going on?

- Bye, Charlie.
- Jim!

- Oh, Sir Clive!
- What?

Do you remember me? Charles Hungerford,
I met you at the garden party last year.

You told me to drop in
anytime I was over...

For God's sake!

You stay! Get them back to work.

Go on! Get back to work!

Aye, well, of course,
he is a very busy man.

Go!

(HORN HONKING)

Come on, James!

Don't you lose them, Thompson!
Whatever you do, don't you lose them!

- We're losing them!
- Oh, goody!

Come on, drive it!

- Are those cowboys or Indians?
- Comanches, the lot of them.

(GUNS FIRING)

- James, they're shooting at us!
- No, really?

Are you all right?

That's the second time
I've fallen for you, James.

Follow them!

- Morning.
- Oh, good morning.

Could you tell us please when the next
ferry is due to make an appearance?

- In half an hour.
- Oh.

- That's a good-looking boat, isn't it?
- Yes, isn't it?

Want to take a look over her
while we wait for the ferry?

Oh, darling, what a lovely idea.
Why don't you come with us?

- Do come.
- Yes, all right.

It's all right, isn't it?

You're very welcome
to come with us if you like.

Come on, love, we don't want
to cause any trouble, do we?

- James!
- The gun.

- Get on the boat!
- Then what?

Get the Coast Guard, get help!

What about him?

- Oh, the Segeant will be all right.
- Are you quite sure?

Hey, you!

I'm not sure that was altogether fair.

On the other hand...

James, the others!

Move!

For God's sake, get on the radio.

Dai Sun! Dai Sun!
Dai Sun calling French Coast Guard.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

(GUNS FIRING)

Get down!

Dai Sun! Dai Sun!
Dai Sun calling French Coast Guard,

Mayday! Mayday!

Dai Sun! Dai Sun!
Dai Sun calling French Coast Guard.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Look at it! Just look at it!

Bullet holes everywhere. Oh, dear.

I don't know what on earth
I'm going to put on the insurance forms.

- Never mind, Charlie.
- Never mind? Never mind?

I should have known the moment
I clapped eyes on him over here.

Wherever he goes, disaster follows.
Sheer, unmitigated blooming disaster.

Oh, don't say that, Charlie.

- I've had a wonderful time.
- Have you?

Have you really, my dear?

Well, of course,
when I said disaster, I...

- Charlie.
- What do you want?

- Seen Philippa around, have you?
- The redoubtable Miss Vale? No.

She was over there by the ferry,
just before it sailed.

Hey, don't say
she's done it to you again, Jim!

It's becoming an annual event,
isn't it, eh?

Poor Jim!

Good job we're not Chinese, isn't it?

What?

I was just thinking,
it's a good job we're not Chinese.

What are you going on about?

Well, you've saved my life
at least twice now.

If we were in China,
I'd belong to you forever and ever.

If you ever belong to anyone,
Philippa Vale,

they'd have snowball fights
at the equator.

Of course I belong to you, Sergeant.

Here I am,
handing myself over to your mercy,

as specified in the original contract.

Of course, as you were at such pains
to point out to Sir Clive,

you're not really
in your own jurisdiction, are you?

Strictly speaking, no.

Strictly speaking, you should
hand me over to the French police

and then apply to have me extradited
in the proper manner.

And I'm known by the way
I never vary by an inch

from the officially recognised
methods of procedure.

Famous for it.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What are you up to now?
Bird watching?

Don't tell me you've never seen
a police launch before.

Not quite like this one, Charlie.

Style, Charlie.

That's what makes the difference
at the end of the day. Style.

Bloody hell.