Bergerac (1981–1991): Season 5, Episode 4 - A Desirable Little Residence - full transcript

DISPATCHER ON RADIO: Suspect vehicle
heading your direction.

Approximate distance, half a mile.

Roger.

We've got him. Over and out.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Why are you hopping about as if somebody
had dropped a brick on you toe?

For God's sake, Nick.

"For God's sake, Nick."
What for God's sake?

- For bringing it here.
- Bringing what here?

It's stupid. It's crazy.

Don't ever call me stupid, big brother.



Yeah, all I'm saying is...

Yeah, well, all I'm saying is
don't ever call me stupid.

Oh, my God.

Thank you, Mr MacVie.

- My name is Sergeant Bergerac.
- Yeah, I know who you are.

You're Berguerac.

The name is Bergerac, Mr MacVie.
The 'G' is soft.

Oh, soft is it?

Only the name, Mr MacVie.

And this is Detective Constable Goddard,

- and we are from the Bureau...
- Bureau des Étrangers, I know.

Seem to know quite a lot, Mr MacVie.

I know that the Bureau des Strangers is
supposed to deal with foreigners,

not respectable Jersey citizens.



Ah, yes. But in this case, we are trying
to trace some stolen building material.

Stolen on the British mainland
three nights ago.

- Is that a fact?
- Yes, that's a fact.

And we have reason to believe that it
was shipped to Jersey yesterday

for collection this morning
by its potential purchaser.

Do you mind if I look in your van?

You got a warrant?

Help yourself.

Right.

All good free-range stuff, Bergerac.

(MEN LAUGHING)

I don't approve of this factory farming,
do you?

I think it's cruel.

Right.

That should do it.

- It's funny.
- Hmm?

No, it's just...

It looks so small.

- When I was a kid it seemed enormous.
- Yes.

Everything seems bigger
when you're a child.

I used to think of this
as a huge jungle.

Look at it.

You've not been here since
you were a child, then?

Couple of holidays as a teenager
after my parents died.

Not really since.

- Terrible, isn't it?
- No, of course not.

Well, I couldn't have lived here.

And Gran would never have settled
on the mainland.

Even so...

Worst thing...

is thinking of her
having that heart attack

all alone.

Nobody finding her till the next day.

Come on. Show me the inside, eh?

Thank you for your cooperation,
Mr MacVie.

Come on, Bergerac,
where's your sense of humour?

Nick, is it worth it?

What?

I mean, why risk everything
for the sake of a bit extra?

- A vanload of chickens?
- You know what I'm talking about.

We're doing very nicely staying legit.

Nicely, is it? Is that what we're doing?

Very nicely?

According to you,
we were doing "very nicely"

as a tinpot pair of jobbing plumbers.

We were doing ''vey nicely''
when we built ou fist house.

We wee doing "very nicely"
when we built our first estate.

And we were doing "very nicely"

when we managed to make enough for them
to deem to let us come and live on

their precious, little island.

Well, we're always doing
"very nicely"...

- Nick...
- If it was up to you,

we'd still be unblocking other people's
toilets in the backstreets of Belfast.

Well, I'll tell you this, Don.
We'll only be doing "very nicely"

when we own this bloody island.

It's sad, isn't it?

She was 87, you know.

She lived round here
nearly all her life.

And now...

Are you sure you want to sell?

Oh, I know it's a bit
dull at the moment,

but with a lick of paint, new furniture,

- it'd make a smashing holiday home.
- No, no, I couldn't.

And even if I wanted to,

have you any idea just how much
a nurse actually earns?

I can imagine.

Do you think you'll have
any trouble selling it?

None at all.

It's a very desirable little property,
especially in this location.

We'll shift it in no time.

Well, I'll put the wheels in motion,

and be in touch as soon as anyone
shows any interest.

When are you going back to the mainland?

Well, I thought I might stay here
for a night or two.

Well, in that case,
can I take you phone number?

The phone's been disconnected.

Ah, well, if I can't get in touch
with you direct,

do you mind people turning up
at odd hours to look at the house?

- No, of course not. That'll be fine.
- Okay. Bye.

Bye.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

Peggy.

- Yes, Chief Inspector.
- You've no idea what's happened

- to my soap, have you?
- Soap?

Yes, I put a new bar in there
last thing last night,

- now it seems to have vanished.
- Well, I...

- That's the second time this week.
- Well, I certainly haven't taken it,

- Chief Inspector.
- No, no, no, of course not.

I'll get a new one, thank you.

- How'd it go?
- Oof! Don't ask.

Well, we've had duff tip-offs before.

Well, the tip was good enough.
I'd stake my pension on that.

Look, I'd like to stay on for this one
if I may.

Why are you so interested?

Well, I don't know, but there is
something going on, you know?

Well, there's no harm
in keeping an eye out.

- You've nothing else on at the moment?
- No.

Oh, by the way, neither of you two know
anything about my soap, do you?

- Your what?
- Soap. I left a bar in there yesterday,

now it's gone.

Well, I just thought I'd ask,
that's all.

Can I help you?

We couldn't see it in the window,
but out at La Pulente,

Ocean View, that is your sign, isn't it?

Good heavens, that was quick.
I'm still doing the details.

- Still free, then, is it?
- Oh, yes. Very much so.

We saw it from the bus, and it looked
just like what we're looking for

now that George has retired,
if the price was right.

The owner is asking 63,000, Mrs...

- Palmer.
- Palmer.

Well, that doesn't seem too bad,
does it, George?

Not too bad, no.

We've got a bigger house to sell,
you see.

Is it on the market yet?

- Oh, that's all being taken care of.
- Oh.

Well, would you like to
view the property now?

I can run you over there myself.

Oh, we wouldn't want to
put you to any trouble.

Mrs Palmer, if it does turn out to be
what you're looking for,

you'll actually be saving me trouble.

Thank you.

I wonder if it's worth contracting
the Met,

see if they've got anything on him.

If the Met had the slightest whisper
against him, he'd never have got

- his residency, would he?
- No, I suppose not.

Well, maybe this is a one-off.
Maybe he's been straight up till now.

Oh, look.

You find me all
the straight builders in the UK,

I'll find ten more people

and maybe we'll have a football team,
all right?

I resent that.

Oh, hello, halie.
Present company excepted, of course.

Excepted from what?
What's brought all this lot on, anyway?

- That's classified.
- Well, I'm not prepared to stand here

whilst you make sweeping generalisations
about honest builders.

Buildes.
Don't talk to me about builders.

- Eh?
- I've asked three different firms

to come and look at my guttering,
and they've all let me down.

Well, it's too small a job, Peggy.
They can't be bothered.

Now, that is totally unfair.

Well, what's the matter
with your guttering, Peggy?

Oh, it seems to be falling down
all over the place.

Reggie always did that sort of thing.
I'm hopeless, I'm afraid.

Ah, well, don't you worry.

If for no other reason

than to vindicate a body
of fine and hard-working men,

I shall personally arrange
for my own builder

- to get in touch with you.
- Oh, no, really, Charles...

And he will do the job when he says
and at a very reasonable price.

Well, Charles,
I don't want to bother you.

It's no bother at all, Peggy.
My pleasure entirely.

- I'm afraid it's rather small.
- Oh, no. We wouldn't want it any bigger.

- Would we, George?
- No.

No, not with your back, no.

- Well, I'll show you inside then.
- Oh, lovely.

You won't need me. I'll stay out here.

(GASPS)

- This your place, then, is it?
- No, it isn't.

It is, nonetheless, private property.

But it's for sale, though, innit?
I mean, that's what the sign says.

Yes, it is for sale,

and if you make an appointment
with the estate agents,

I've no doubt the owner
will be very happy to see you.

All right.

So how do I get hold of
the estate agent?

Oh.

Well, as a matter of fact...

- Oh, this is nice, isn't it, George?
- Yes, very nice.

- And this is the first bedroom.
- Oh, yes.

And a slightly large one.

- Oh, I like that.
- Yes.

Would you like to have a look
at the lounge?

- Oh, please.
- Yes.

Here we are.

- Oh, it gets all the sun, too.
- Yes, there's a lovely...

Mrs Miles, I am sorry to interrupt.

- This is Mr...
- Barnett.

Mr Barnett, he's turned up
without an appointment,

but he would like
to view the property as well.

No, I wouldn't.

- What?
- There's no need.

- I'll take it.
- What?

I'll take it.

But that's ridiculous.
You don't even know the price.

Well, how much is it?

63,000.

Fair enough, I'll take it.

Look...

I mean, this lady and gentleman
were here first.

That's right, and we've decided
to take it at the full asking price.

- Haven't we, George?
- Yes, we have.

- All right, I'll give you 70.
- Seventy?

Is this some sort of a joke, Mr Barnett?

It's no joke. Seventy grand in cash.
No mortgage, nothing to worry about.

I'll have it for you
first thing in the morning.

- Well, I don't think we...
- It's all right, Mrs Palmer,

Just a moment.

Mr Barnett, do you have
residential status on Jersey?

- Eh?
- You're from the mainland, yes?

- Well, so what?
- So, Mr Barnett,

according to island law,
only a person already in possession

of residential qualifications
may purchase property on Jersey.

- (SCOFFING) You're joking?
- Oh, no, I'm not.

- That's bleeding ridiculous.
- It's the law.

Well, how do I get these qualifications?

Well, Mr Barnett, there are three ways.

Firstly, you have to have assets of...

Oh, I think the going rate is
something like five million pounds.

Can you manage that?

Secondly, you have to have lived
on the island for at least twenty years.

And the other?

Oh, it's to do work
of an essential nature.

Something that no native islander
is qualified to do.

Right. I'll fix it.

- Mr Barnett...
- Now, listen.

I'm offering you
at seven grand more than they are.

Now, that's worth waiting
a few days for, innit?

So what do you think he's playing at?

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

- James?
- Yeah, what? Sorry. What?

Have I been talking to myself?

No, no. Bungalow called Ocean View.

So, what do you think he's playing at?

God knows. It doesn't matter, does it?
I mean, either way you sell it.

But I don't understand what all
the fuss is about.

It's such an ordinary,
poky, little bungalow.

You're the detective.

You're the one that's
supposed to like puzzles.

Yes, I am the detective,
which is why, when I get home,

I like to forget about puzzles.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, really.

- You throw.
- Oh.

Soap. A nice, new bar of soap.

I'm just going to put it on my washbasin

where, in the normal course of events,
it should last me a good fortnight.

- Good.
- Just thought I'd mention it.

You know what excessive cleanliness
means, don't you, Barney?

Hello, what wee you
up to last night, then, eh?

- Not a lot.
- Oh.

Had to go out at 2:00 in the morning to
deal with a girl over from the mainland,

who was convinced she had a prowler
in he back garden.

She's only over here for three days
while she sells her granny's bungalow.

Ocean View, was it, the bungalow?

- Yeah.
- Was her name Miles? Carol Miles?

Yeah, how do you know that?

- Was there a prowler?
- Not as far as we could see,

but she insisted she'd been hearing
noises for the last half hour or so,

but there wasn't a sign of anybody,

- not unless you can count this.
- Here, let's see.

She swears it wasn't there
the day before.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm interested in purchasing
a small property.

Well, you've come to the right place.

(LAUGHING)

What sort of price did you have in mind?

Ah, no, you don't understand.

You see, I know just exactly
the property I want.

- Jim, you're never gonna believe...
- That man that just went out...

Yes, he's just offered me £80,000
for Ocean View.

Do you know that... Jim!

Morning.

Fellow came in just ahead of me,
wearing a blazer and a trilby.

Oh, yes.
He's with Mr Newsom and his friend.

Suite 125.

- There's nothing wrong, is there?
- No, no. It's just routine.

(MAN MOANING)

Do you know,
I think my hearing must be going, Nigel.

I swear I didn't hear
any knock at the door.

I am sorry about that.

- Mr Newsom, innit?
- Yes, that's correct, Mr...

He's a member of the constabulary,
Mr Newsom.

Oh, really?

That's right.
Sergeant Bergerac, Bureau des Étrangers.

Delighted to meet you, Sergeant.

This is my personal assistant, Nigel.

Hello, Nigel.

And it appears you're already
acquainted with Major Rice.

Major Rice?

Oh, yes. He and I are old friends.
How are you, Lonny?

Vey well, thank you, Sergeant.

In fact, I've sent him down twice.
Is that right, Lonny?

Only for a couple of minor,
small frauds,

which is why I was half expecting to see
a young man called Kirk Barnett up here.

- Kirk...
- Barnett.

He's very anxious to buy
a property on the island.

And as I know that Lonny
is as likely to fly

as he is to get his hands on £80,000,

I thought maybe a little bit of
proxy buying was going on.

I'm afraid you've lost me, Sergeant.

Using his residential qualifications
to buy property for a non-resident.

- It's a highly illegal act.
- Really?

Well, as you can see,
there's no one named Barnett here.

No. Perhaps you're the man
I should be talking to, Mr Newsom.

But presumably there's
nothing illegal about

my advancing a loan to an old friend

so that he can buy the sweet,
little cottage he has set his heart on?

- Old friends are we now?
- Very much so.

As a matter of fact,
dear Lonny once saved my life.

Which war was that, Major?

I got out of my depth swimming one day
and Lonny pulled me to the shore.

You don't forget something like that.

Even to the extent of advancing him
50% over the odds

for a perfectly ordinary
little bungalow?

A debt of honour is a debt of honour,
Sergeant.

If that's the house dear Lonny wants,
that's the house he shall have.

Now, was there something else
you wanted to say, Sergeant? Hmm?

So I can pass this on to Carol Miles
as a genuine offer, can I?

Well, I don't see what else you can do.

All right.
I'll pop over as soon as I've finished.

Do you mind if I tag along?
I'd like to find out

what makes this bungalow
so stunningly desirable.

Ah, now, I've had a thought about that.
Come with me.

Now, here's Ocean View in a row
of half a dozen bungalows,

and then behind, sweeping up the hill,
there's this big area of heath land.

Now, I happen to know that a small
consortium of local businessmen

have bought up this land
with a view to development,

which makes the entire area
a potential money-spinner.

So you think the bungalow's
important for that reason?

Yes. Can't quite figure out why, though.

How do I find out?

You can go straight to
the horse's mouth.

Eh?

- They said I could find Charlie here.
- That's right. It's the guttering.

Oh, he's supervising, is he?

Well, actually,
his builder didn't turn up.

When you finish up there, Charlie,

we've got a couple of loose tiles
at our place.

(HAMMER CLANKING)

Now look what you've made me do.

Do you know what you're up to?

Look, just bring that back up here,
will you?

Always fancied meself
as a builder's mate. There you are.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I just want to ask you
a couple of questions.

Oh, aye?

Is it true that you and a bunch of mates

have bought a large parcel of land
down to La Pulente?

- Who told you about that?
- So it is true, is it?

Well, what if it is?

Do you mind telling me
what you plan to do with it?

I can't see what business
it is of yours.

Anyway, we haven't even got
planning permission yet.

But when we... If we do get it,

we're aiming to put up
a whacking great big leisure complex.

Sporting facilities, restaurant,
multi-screen cinema.

Why? What's the problem?

It's just what this island is crying out
for, innit? No, no, seriously.

Somebody couldn't put the kibosh
on that, could they,

by buying one of the bungalows
down on the main oad?

-Why?
-Just asking.

Well, we should have to come across
those bungalows, naturally,

for the drainage.
I mean, it's built on a hill, you see,

and, well, it's the only way we could
connect up with the main drains.

But we've got provisional agreement
with one or two of the owners,

so I can't see that one bungalow
would affect us one way or the other.

Oh. Oh, well.
Back to the drawing board.

You wouldn't like to expand on
all that a bit, would you?

No, thanks, Charlie, it's classified.

Thank you, Peggy.

How's it going, Charlie?
'Cause I really must get to the office.

Oh, blooming Ada.

- So it was a non-starter?
- Yeah, looks like it.

Oh, by the way, this is what
I was coming to see you about

- in the first place.
- What's that?

Carol Miles had a prowler
at the bottom of her garden last night.

Barry found this.
Mean anything to you?

Well, I can't be sure,
but I think Barnett was wearing one.

Yeah, well, there you are.
KB. Kirk Barnett.

(LAUGHING) I should be a detective.

What would he be doing prowling about?

God knows. Been onto the Met
to see if they've got anything on him

or this man Newsom, but no joy yet.

(KNOCKING)

Mrs Miles!

Are you there?

Mrs Miles?

- Oh, Mrs Young, it's you. Thank goodness.
- What's the matter?

- He won't go away.
- Afternoon.

Mrs Miles, I'm a police officer.

Has this man
been threatening you, has he?

- Well, not exactly...
- If she says I have, she's lying.

I've just been trying
to make her see sense.

He keeps trying to make me hang on
until he can buy the house.

Well, there's no need to worry about
that any more, Mrs Miles.

We've had a better offer, £80,000.

- What?
- And from a legitimate Jersey resident.

Well, who's offering that, then?

I'm afraid that's absolutely
none of your business.

- All right, I'll make it 85.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Ninety. Ninety grand.
Are you listening?

Please, will you just leave me alone?

Hey, you heard.
Now you are on private property,

so please, go.

I warn you, if you don't take my offer,
you're making a big mistake.

It really did sound like a threat,
didn't it?

A financial mistake.
All right, copper?

All right. Now, come on, on your bike.

You just remember what I said.

And I have a keen interest
in the orphanage.

I do feel, however,
I could do so much more

if I were a member of the committee.

- Hey, Nick?
- One moment, Jocelyn. I'm busy!

There's a bloke outside
wants to talk to you.

Says it'll be worth your while.

- What bloke?
- From the mainland.

Says he's a friend of Joe Richie's.

Um, do you mind if I get back to you
on this, Jocelyn?

Yes. Okay, bye-bye.

There you are. Your Mr Newsom.

Ah, the all-time big fence.
Might have known.

What? Well, it says there, he's a
well known receiver of stolen property.

- Yeah, well...
- He's never had any convictions,

so they obviously couldn't
prove anything,

and he's staying at the Grand.

JIM: Here comes Kirk's record.

That's funny, he's got no form at all.

I could have sworn he'd done some bird.
Had it written all over him.

- Hey, do you mind?
- Done some bird...

Hey, Neville?
Hello, Neville, this is Bergerac here.

Listen, I have a bracelet here which,
with any luck,

has got some decent fingerprints on it.
Could you help us?

What's so special about this house,
then?

Do I look like an idiot, Mr MacVie?

What you look like, sunshine,

is somebody who's getting dangerously
close to stepping out of line.

Play the game. I mean, if I tell you
what's so special about this house,

well, what's to stop you cutting me out
and buying it for yourself?

I mean, my way, we both
do ourselves a favour.

So the deal is,

you put up the readies,

I use my residency to buy the place,

I make the place over to you,

and you give me ten grand
for my trouble?

That's it. Joe Richie told me you were
a man with a nose for a good deal.

- I'll think about it.
- Yeah, but, Mr MacVie...

I said, I'll think about it.

- Get in touch in 24 hours.
- Well, there are other people...

24 hours! Take it or leave it.

CROZIER: Oh, bloody hell!

You all right, Barney?

This morning, you saw me put it there.
A brand-new bar of soap.

You saw me. A brand-new bar.
You saw me. Didn't you see me?

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes, but... That's for me.

I mean, what have we got?
A soap-eating poltergeist?

Uh, yeah. Excuse me.

Bergerac. Yeah, that's right.

Hmm? No, I'm afraid
that doesn't mean a thing.

No, hang on, hang on a minute.
Him I have heard of.

(RINGING)

Go away.

Hobson & Young.

- Ms Young?
- Yes.

It's Carol Miles.

- I don't like to trouble you.
- What's the matter?

Well, someone else
has just turned up on the doorstep.

He's brought a lawyer with him
and they've got a contract all drawn up.

What?

He says he's prepared to pay 100,000
for the bungalow

as long as I sign immediately.

What man? What's his name?

I think he said his name was Mr MacVie.

Brian Baines.

Brian Baines? Who is he?

Come on, get that computer-like memory
of yours into gear.

Brian Baines, Brian Baines...

Yes, I remember.
Big-time tealeaf from the mainland.

We eventually ran him to ground
in some boarding house in La Pulente.

- Yes, I remember. That was years ago.
- Fifteen years, to be exact.

Hmm. So what about him?
Has he come back?

(SCOFFING) I hardly think so.
He died in the nick seven years ago.

But that place he was staying in at
La Pulente is right next to Ocean View.

- So what?
- Well, do you remember

what he was supposed to be carrying
when he skipped the mainland?

Three-quarters of a million pounds worth
of uncut diamonds,

and they've never found them.

You're not saying you think he hid them
in the bungalow.

Not in, Barney.
Bungalow wasn't built till a year later.

What do you mean, underneath?

Come on, Jim. Treasure Island?
I don't believe it.

No, I'm not sure I do,
but Newsom certainly does.

And I'll tell you someone else
who does, too.

- Who?
- Baines' son.

Because, according to fingerprints,
that is who Kirk Barnett really is.

Well, it all seems
highly irregular to me.

Don't worry, darling,
you'll get your percentage.

One hundred grand, love.
Take it or leave it.

Do I have to decide now?

Yes, that's the way
I like to do business.

Here you are, you can use my pen.

- Why?
- Huh?

If you're prepared to pay nearly twice
the amount that this property's worth,

my client has the right to know why.

It doesn't matter why I want the place,
does it, darling?

The point is
you're getting twice what it's worth.

So what's the problem?

(PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me one moment.

Hobson & Young.

Oh, yes, Sergeant.
No, she's not here at the moment.

Well, she had to go out
in rather a rush.

Yes, that's right.
Yes, Ocean View.

Well, extraordinary thing,

apparently someone's turned up
cash in hand,

wants to put the deal through
on the spot. Yes.

Uh, no, no, local.

A builder. Fellow named MacVie.
Yes, but...

Hello? Hello?

Mrs Young, what do you think?
Should I sign?

- It's your decision.
- Go on, darling.

You're never gonna do better
than 100,000 grand.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Would you, Lonny?

A hundred and ten thousand.

And ten. A hundred and twenty thousand.

Oh, dear. Well, I can't let you down,
can I, Lonny?

A hundred and twenty five.

You're a mainlander. You can't even buy
property on the island.

I'm simply bidding for my friend,
all open and above board.

One hundred and twenty-five
thousand pounds.

All right. One hundred and thirty.
One hundred and thirty thousand pounds.

A hundred and forty.
A hundred and forty thousand pounds.

And five.

Please, can you just give me
a moment to think?

I'm sorry to distress you, my dear,

but the offer is one hundred
and forty five thousand pounds.

Hello, Bergerac.
What are you doing on my property?

- Your property?
- I'm afraid so, alas.

It seems poor Lonny
will have to look elsewhere

for a spot to pass his declining years.

Never mind, we'll find you a far more
bona gaff. Come along, my dear.

- You sold it to him?
- Yes. Why shouldn't I?

They were all going on at me.

She sold it, Bergerac,
for a hundred and fifty thousand.

The cheque's in her pocket,
her signature's on the contract,

and you are now plonking
your bloody great peeler's feet

all over my garden.

I have reason to believe
there is stolen property

concealed beneath that building.

- Have you?
- Yeah.

Well, you're welcome to look for it.

Mind you, I doubt if there's
a judge living who'll give you a warrant

to tear the building down,
but you can always try.

- You bastard!
- Hello, sonny.

I just had a long chat
with Joe Richie about you.

Told me all about your dear old dad.

- Very illuminating.
- You bastard!

Always good business
to cut out the middle man.

And you. I warned you
what would happen if you sold it!

- Just get off me, yeah?
- Children, children.

If you must squabble, please do it
on somebody else's property.

MAN ON RADIO: And the temperature
at the moment is 13.5 degrees Celsius...

- You're a bit previous, aren't you?
- Mmm.

Thought I'd look in on the Palmers
before I went to work.

Palmers?

Yes, you know, that sweet old couple
that wanted to buy the bungalow first.

Thought I'd tell them
I'm still looking out

for something really nice for them.

What's this,
sentiment or good business, then?

It's what the advertisers call
"a judicious blend".

I'm going in, too.
See Carol Miles, make sure she's okay.

Why, because of what Kirk...
Thingy said?

Well, that was just bad temper.
He wouldn't do anything.

Would he?

(GASPS)

- Yes?
- Mr Palmer.

You don't remember me.
I'm Susan Young, the estate agent.

Oh, yes. Sorry, you can't come in.
My wife's not feeling very well.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

Well, I just popped by to tell you
I'm still looking out

- fo a nice little bungalow for you.
- Oh, well, we've actually...

We've changed our minds.
We're not going to move after all.

- Really?
- Sorry to have been a nuisance.

Oh, it's no trouble...

at all.

That's strange, she's not answering.

She hasn't checked out, has she?

No, she hasn't.
I'm sure she's in her room.

Look, I think I'll just go straight on
up if that's all right with you, okay?

- What's the room number?
- Room 101 .

Ta.

Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere...

Ah, yeah. That's the other one.

I knew I'd handled two
of those funny little bungalows

in the last six months. There.

And they both shifted easily?

Greased lightning. No othe wod fo it.

And now I come to think of it,
Mappin & May had a board

outside the one next to your Ocean View
a few weeks back.

That came down in a couple of days, too.

Really? Mappin & May? Thanks, Tim.

Excuse me, have you got
a key for that room?

Que? I no speak English.

(SPEAKING IN BROKEN PORTUGUESE)

What...

Yes. Yes, thank you.

Yes, thank you very much. Bye.

Shan't be long.

- So whose idea was it?
- It was mine. All mine.

When I was a kid,
my gran was always telling me

about this big London crook

and the fortune in jewellery
that nobody had ever found.

And then when Gran died
and the bungalow was mine,

I remembered, and the idea
just came into my head.

- What, the whole plan?
- Not all of it. Not at first, but...

I went and found Kirk
and discovered that his father had died

without ever telling him
where the jewels were.

And he was even broker than I was.

- And we seemed to get on all right.
- You could say that.

So we thought that if he came to Jersey

and made as big a fuss as possible
about trying to buy the bungalow,

then people would start
jumping to conclusions.

We haven't done
anything illegal, you know.

No, you haven't. That's right.
Well, not strictly speaking.

But neither Kirk nor I
ever did or said anything to imply

that we thought there was something
buried under the bungalow.

We were very careful about that.

Well, when MacVie finds out
that he spent £100,000 over the odds,

I don't think it's the legality

you're going to have to worry about,
though, is it?

That's why, if you don't mind,

we'd like to get off the island
as soon as possible.

All right. I can't wait
to see his face when I tell him.

(JIM CHUCKLING)

Nice view, isn't it?

Ah, there you are!

There's a gap, see,
between the sink and the surround.

You put the soap down there,
it's slippery from the water,

it slides down and disappears
down the gap.

Well, I wonder what Arthur C Clarke
would make of that.

What?

At least none of us
are under suspicion any more.

Nobody was under suspicion.
It wasn't a question of...

(PHONE BUZZING)

But you must admit, it was pretty odd.
Crozier here.

- Hello, Barney?
- Yes, Jim.

It's about Ocean View.

Are you ready for this?

I saw you clocking my car
outside the Palmers' this morning.

Yes. I assume you were paying them off,

even though you didn't use them
in the end.

And you woked it all out
Just fom that?

You're too good for that dozy peeler.

Oh, it didn't take that much
working out, Mr MacVie.

I knew about the project, you see.

No, what I can't figure out is

why all this fuss
over just one bungalow.

Whereas you presumably now own them all.

Every last one.

They thought they were too good
for me, you know.

- Who did?
- Hungerford and that mob.

I wanted to come in on this project
from the beginning.

But, oh, no! Not the likes of me.

Not Nick MacVie,
not the Belfast wide-boy. Oh, no.

Well, now they'll have to take me in.

Either that or run
their precious leisure complex

on Elsans and cesspits.

No Nick MacVie, no drainage.

It must have been a nasty moment for you

when you found out about Kirk Baines
and his father's jewellery.

That? You didn't fall for that, did you?

It was a scam, darling,
and a bloody obvious one at that.

So it's all turned out
very nicely for you.

And for your precious Mrs Miles
and all the other punters.

Not for her grandmother, though.

That stubborn old cow!
She had her chance. If she'd only...

If she'd only what?

Anyway, it's all
highly ingenious, Mr MacVie.

And I'm sure it's perfectly legal,
in which case...

- Shift over.
- What?

Shift over. I'll do the driving.

(MACVIE CHUCKLING)

I always did shoot my mouth off
at the wrong moment.

Look,

this is silly.

- I mean, I don't know anything.
- Ah, but you're a bright girl, darling.

I saw that little brain
of yours clicking away.

And that boyfriend of yours
hates my guts.

And one word from you,
and he'll start asking questions.

But what could he prove?

I don't know.

Maybe somebody saw me
out there that night.

I didn't...

I didn't touch her.

Old people.
What can you do with them?

I offered her twice
what the place was worth, but, oh, no.

She'd lived there for 14 years
and she was gonna die there.

Well, she bloody well
did die there an' all.

I didn't...

touch her.

I just shouted at her a bit.
Well, maybe I...

But I never would have hit her.

She just fell on the floor
and lay there.

Why didn't you call a doctor?

If you do anything to me,
it will be murder.

I know that.

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING STOPS)

I could give you money.

Yes! Yes, you could!

How much would you give me?

- It's no good, is it, darling?
- No. No.

Please!

(GROANS)

Bitch!

Bitch!

(CLANKING)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

(MACHINERY CLANKING)

Hey!

Mr MacVie!

I'll be with you in a minute.

What have you done to you head?

Oh, banged it.
Banged it on a bloody gide.

That's nasty, that. I didn't know
you did you own labouring.

Oh, I'm not too proud
to get my hands dirty.

What was it, then?

I thought I'd just drop in
and share a little joke with you.

Would you like to...

What's that...

(SCREAMING)

Bergerac!

Oh, for the love of God, man,
get me down quick!

Oh, Jesus, Bergerac!

I didn't mean it!

Bergerac, you bastard!
Get me down!

Bergerac!

(BANGING)

Come on. Come on.

You bastard!

I know that estate agents are unpopular,
but this is ridiculous.