Bergerac (1981–1991): Season 4, Episode 5 - Return of the Ice Maiden - full transcript

- Will there be anything else, sir?
- Bring me one more coffee.

Very good, sir.

I think you friend was having you on.

- Look, we got the right place and the right man.
- And the wrong time.

Look, let's face it.
If he's right about what's in that package,

she's hardly likely to take the time off
to have her hair done before she turns up.

Okay, Chief Inspector, sir, if you've got
some brilliant idea what our next move should be,

I'm always only too willing to lean.

- How much?
- Eh?

- How much do I owe you?
- I've only just...

- How much do I owe?
- All right. Five quid.



- Take it.
- Don't you even want you bill?

- Hey, you! Just a minute.
- MAN: What are you doing?

Bingo.

You totally blew it.

Completely.

- They are beautiful.
- Mmm.

Look at that.

Not a mark on them.

Mmm.

I think the Dutch treasury might have forgiven us
for damaging them,

considering they should have been destroyed
six months ago.

Tempting, isn't it?

I've always fancied retiring abroad
and printing me own money.

Yes, I can just see you tiptoeing through the tulips
and gazing at the windmills. Come.



Constable Paris, sir.
He'd like a word with you.

Would he?
Yes, well, I'd like a wod with him.

Well, Detective Constable Paris?

Just wanted to say I was sorry, sir,
for jumping the gun like that.

I should bloody well think you were.
What were you doing?

I thought...
I was afraid we might lose him, sir.

Look, Paris,
I know you're a new boy around here,

but I would have thought there was one
significant difference between Jersey and the Met

that wouldn't need spelling out to anybody.

(PHONE RINGS)

Tell him. Yeah.

It's an island, Nick. People can't just
slip down a tube station and disappear.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

If we had managed to put a tail on him, he might,
just might, have led us to the Costain woman.

As it is, we'll never tie her
in with it in 100 years.

He hasn't said anything, then?

He hasn't said anything
because he doesn't know anything.

He's just a delivery boy.

He did give us a description
of the Amsterdam contact.

Might be useful to the Dutch police.

But as far as Jersey goes,
all he had was a time and a place.

Look, I'm really sorry.
I mean, anything I can do...

Well, that's really very nice of you,
Detective Constable Paris.

But unless you can come up
with a foolproof method of planting something,

other than a parking ticket,
on the oh-so-respectable Mrs Costain,

I don't think there is a lot
you can do for us just at the moment.

Well, that's a bit of a tall order, sir.

I mean, she was operating in London
all the time I was on the Met

and we were never able to pin anything on her.

Oh. Well, that's it then, isn't it?

Obviously, we might as well
forget about the whole thing.

Go on, get out.

If anybody ever talks to me again
about Cockney shrewdness, I'll throttle them.

- He's only trying to make a good impression.
- Oh, he did that, all right.

A more telling argument for local recruitment
I've seldom seen.

- So, what do you think went wrong?
- I don't know. Tip-off?

Well, you tell me. Leech is you snout.

You think he's playing both ends
against the middle?

Giving us the place to keep us sweet

and then warning the Costain woman
not to turn up to collect them?

He and his girlfiend
are due to leave this afternoon.

- I think I'll go and help them pack.
- Good idea.

In the meanwhile,
I'll lock these up in the safe.

Sam?

Sam?

Sam?

Midge!

(DISTANT TALKING)

That you, Midge?

- Midge?
- He was about to find another job.

- Midge?
- It's all right.

We'e going to Cornwall to stay with my bother.

He's got a job fixed up for Sam and everything.
No problem.

Midge?

Only he won't get out of the bath.
He's a lazy sod.

You tell him, Sergeant.
Tell him to get out.

Sweet Jesus.

MIDGE: Sam?
JIM: Come on.

- Sam?
- come on. It'll be all right.

- Sam, we'e gonna miss the plane.
- Terry!

- Sam, you better get out...
- Terry!

Sam!

If it hadn't been for me,
Sam Leech would still be alive.

- For God's sake, Jim.
- It's a fact.

You didn't even lean on the man.
You just offered him a bit of spending money.

He was free, white and over 21.
All he had to do was say ''No''.

You didn't see her, did you?
She was talking to him like he was still...

None of this is any good to anybody.

If you've got Sam Leech on your conscience,
the best thing you can do

is start thinking about how can nail the woman
that did it to him. Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

I don't see the point in this.
I mean, he can't prove anything.

- Leave it out, Terry.
- All right, all right. I'm sorry I spoke.

MAN: Hey, you! Come here!
You're trespassing on private property.

What the hell is going on?

- ...what I can and cannot do, all right?
- Look, mister, you...

Mary Lou Costain?

I'm terribly sorry, madam,
but I couldn't stop him.

You are Mary Lou Costain, are you?

I'm Mrs Costain, yes.

Who the hell are you?

My name is Bergerac.
I'm a sergeant in the States Police.

Oh, really?

And that gives you the right to come
barging in here like some mad bull, does it,

without even letting my butler tell me you're here.

- He pushed his way past me, madam, there was...
- That's all right, Thomas. Just go away.

Well...

Congratulations, Sergeant.

- You've just cost that dear old man his job.
- That doesn't exactly surprise me, Mrs Costain.

Getting rid of people who annoy you
is rather a speciality of yours, isn't it?

- What?
- Sammy Leech.

He used to work for you, didn't he?

There was a man named Leech
who used to run errands for me

and yes, I did have to get rid of him.

I didn't think he was altogether trustworthy
so I fired him.

- Why? Is he in some sort of trouble?
- He is dead.

Really?

Was there something else you wanted to say?

- It really doesn't bother you, does it?
- Why should it?

I've got far more important things
to worry about than ex-employees

who decide to walk under buses.
Or whatever it is he did do.

- I'm sorry if you think I'm callous.
- Callous isn't the word for you, Mrs Costain.

Look, we both know that three months ago,
an employee of the Dutch mint

walked off with some curency plates
that were due to go through the ginder.

He put the word about that they were up for sale
to the highest bidder.

- And that bidder tuned out to be you.
- Did it?

Yesterday Sammy Leech phoned me
to tell me you were expecting the delivery.

I tuned up, so did the man with the plates,
but no sign of you or your people.

Well, that's hardly surprising since this is
the first we've head of this extraordinary story.

So I go around to see Sammy Leech,
see if he can tell me what happened.

Only he can't, can he? Because he is dead.
Do you find that extraordinary, too, Mrs Costain?

Yeah, well...

Perhaps he committed suicide
out of remose for telling all those lies about me.

Oh, yes. He just sat in the bath
and slashed himself to death with a razor blade.

Listen, Sergeant.

Do you have anything to connect me with all this?
Apart from the word of a vindictive ex-employee

who isn't even around
to back up his own story any more.

I mean, some sort of witnesses
to connect me with this man's death.

His girlfiend who found him.
It's 50-50 whether she'll ever be coherent again.

Oh, what a pity.

Still, that will teach her
to pick her boyfriends more carefully in future.

- Jesus hist!
- Jim.

Is that how you get your kicks?
I mean, what sort of animal are you?

- For God's sake, Jim, take it easy.
- Yes, listen to you friend, Jim.

Because he knows as well as I do
that if I report this conversation to your superios,

you'll be lucky
if you'e still left handing out parking tickets.

Still, fortunately,
I've got a compassionate nature.

I understand your feelings of guilt.

I mean, obviously, you encouraged
this man Leech to become a paid infomer.

You must have known
the dangers you were leading him into.

Now, I'm sorry that you're not prepared
to face up to your responsibilities,

but, please, don't try and ease you conscience
by flinging wild accusations at me.

All right.

All right.

What's this, Peggy,
you doing the paper round as well?

I thought you might be interested, sir.

I've head nothing officially yet, but I remember
you and Sergeant Bergerac talking about her.

It was all over the 1:00 news as well.

Take that and show Jim in there.

(CHUCKLING)

Chief Inspector thought
you might want to look at these.

Oh? What's all this?

I must say, she's very photogenic.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

All right, all right. Hang on a minute.
I'm just coming. Give us a chance. Blooming...

Hello, Charlie. You don't mind
if I watch you telly for a few minutes, do you?

- You what?
- Thanks, Charlie. I knew I could count on you.

- Oh, damn, missed it.
- Hey, just a second. I were watching Bilko.

It's just something
I wanted to watch on national news.

Don't tell me the upwardly mobile Miss Young
doesn't run to a television set?

Oh, I was on my way home but you were close.

- So, it's definitely home now, is it, her place?
- Well, you know.

Anyway, it's nice to know
you're taking interest in world events again.

How do you mean?

I heard you were pretty badly shaken up
by what happened to that Leech fellow.

Oh, yeah. It did shake me up a bit
but, you know, you get over that.

- Hey, just a minute. Isn't that, uh... Oh!
- That's he!

WOMAN ON TV: ...Jersey force to look out
for Philippa Vale,

who has been nick-named the Ice Maiden

because of her alleged connection
with several robberies involving diamonds.

The search has spread to Jersey
after an incident late last night in London.

St George's Hospital received an emergency call
from a young woman.

She reported that an elderly aunt
had suffered a serious heart attack.

When ambulance men arrived
at the house in Hampstead,

an attractive blonde
was giving mouth to mouth resuscitation

to a woman in her late 70s,

By the time ambulance men
had revived the woman, Mrs Hamah Harris,

her so-called niece had disappeared.

Mrs Harris and the ambulance men identified
the mysterious woman from police photographs

as Philippa Vale.

Just over a year ago,
Miss Vale was interviewed by Jersey Police

following the theft
of the valuable collection of diamonds

from the home of local millionaire,
Maxwell Flagg.

Island Police would not comment on the incident
other than to say, "No charges were brought".

All right, no need to rub it in.

I thought you'd found
poor old Maxwell's diamonds for him.

Oh, we did. But we kept quiet about it.
We thought that if she didn't know we got them,

one day she might come back
and try and pick them up.

And of course she never did, did she?

- Well, you can't win them all, can you, Charlie?
- You can try.

What's the matter?
Worried about your precious plates?

Well, you know, I've got enough hassle already.

- Oi, Brody.
- Yeah?

- Come here.
- Why?

Just come here.

Look at this.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

- Go on.
- No!

- Go on!
- Brody!

Brody!

Look, I don't care what you've heard.

There are no problems this end.
Nothing I can't handle.

Forty-eight hours, all right?
That means I'm only asking for an extra day.

What?

Well, yeah, all right.

Have to be, won't it?

Bastards!

JIM: Ever had that feeling
you've been somewhere before?

Sergeant, what a lovely surprise.
Jersey wouldn't be the same without seeing you.

Well, I knew you wouldn't want to leave
without popping in to say hello,

- so I thought I'd save you the trouble.
- How very thoughtful.

I thought I'd never see
this moment arrive, Miss Vale.

I think it's about time I read you your rights.

What's the charge?
Drunk in charge of a bag of marbles?

I think we can do a bit better than that!

- Um...
- Oh, don't worry.

I never travel without a formal little number
for being arrested in.

So you worked out where I'd left the stones,

and then when you read about
my little fun-and-games on the mainland...

I told port authorities to keep a lookout
for anyone who might conceivably be you.

And if they did, to leave you strictly alone,
but to get in touch with me at once.

Oh, and there's me thinking
you've been haunting the beach ever since I left,

like Heathcliff dreaming of Cathy.

Ready.

What were you gonna do next?
Go back to the mainland?

Oh, I see.
You've got friends on Jersey, have you?

They were gonna help you
with the next stage of you journey.

Beautiful view here, isn't it?

No, but seriously, Sergeant,
who on earth would I know on Jersey?

I was just going to have
one last glass of champagne on British soil

and then be on my way.

- That's your cue, isn't it?
- Cue?

"Afraid it'll be a long time
before you have any more champagne, Miss Vale."

- Thanks, Lil.
- My pleasure, Jim.

We've met somewhee before, haven't we?

Miss Vale is an acquaintance of mine
in the jewellery business.

Oh, yes. Haven't got any free samples
you don't know what to do with, have you?

- I'm afaid I'm taking an early retirement.
- Oh, well, just my luck.

Special vintage?

One glass and I break down
sobbing on your shoulder

and confess to everything I've ever done.

Something of the sort, yeah.

You could get into a lot of trouble
for doing this, couldn't you?

- You're pretty straight for a copper.
- And for a thief, Miss Vale, you are pretty classy.

Don't believe everything you read in the papers.

Oh, no. Actually you held her down
and tried to throttle the life out of her

until the ambulance men came
and had to drag you off, eh?

Actually, I went soft for five minutes,
and we all know where that got me.

So you'll know better next time, won't you?

You have got style, Miss Vale.

And that's what counts
at the end of the day, is it?

Probably.

All right. To style.

- Oh, good, Lil. There you are.
- Hello, Charlie.

I wanted to book a table for tonight.

- Jim's over there.
- Oh, is he?

Good grief!

Know her, do you?

Well, of course I know her, so do you.
That's Philippa Vale.

Of course!

Oh, yeah. I learnt all about it.

How the smart set took your father up
and then dropped him again

when the next artistic craze came along.

How he became addicted to heroine
and how, when the money ran out,

you found a very good way of paying the bills,
didn't you?

Anyone who can weave theories like that
out of a handful of facts

ought to be working for a national newspaper.

He was a good artist and a nice man.

Still, I expect a big, strong, silent type like you
wouldn't have thought very much of him.

- Ask me why I'm not drinking.
- You'e on duty.

Well, well, who'd have thunk it?

Good morning, Jim.

Hello, Charlie.
You don't know Philippa Vale, do you?

Not actually, no. No.

I was taking her down to the station to charge her,
but she felt a bit faint.

Oh, dear. Well, you seem to be
making a remarkable recovery now.

- Two more glasses and I'll be as good as new.
- Good. Good.

What about the Costain woman, Jim?
Any luck there?

No, not yet, Charlie, but we're working on it.

I'm delighted to hear it.
Oh, well, arrivederci,

- Who was that?
- My ex-father-in-law.

What a lot I'm learning about you
in such a short time.

And the Costain woman,
is she my local competition?

No, not exactly.

Look, I didn't know what else I could do.

I mean, they might just have
put a tail on him for days

and then you'd never have been able
to make contact.

I thought at least this way there'd be where
I might be able to get me hands on them.

And can you?

They're in a safe.

There's someone on duty round the clock and
I haven't been able to find out the combination.

Well, you'd better hurry up and find out,
hadn't you?

Look, there's a bloke coming from Holland
to pick them up day after tomorrow.

- Can't you just...
- Paris!

Apart from the fact they'll have him
under police escort all the way to the airport,

I can't wait 48 hours.
I don't want to wait 48 minutes.

Now then, you got them in there,
you get them out.

Let me go! Let me! Let me go! Help!

Leave me alone! Let me go!

Let me go! Help! Let me go! Leave me alone! Help!

MAN: ...he won't lay a finger on you.

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't smash your ugly face in.

How about six months in the nick, you berk?

- You what?
- I'm a copper, you stupid great lummox!

- Can I help you at all?
- No, thank you. I'm just looking.

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh! I'm so sorry.

- Upstairs.
- What?

Up the back stairs unless you want them
to catch you. Come on.

Upstairs. I'll be as quick as I can.

Why don't you make yourself comfortable?

- They've gone.
- Good.

- Well, in that case, I'll...
- No, don't rush off, Philippa.

Don't mind if I call you Philippa, do you?

Don't tell me this lazy slob
hasn't even offered you a drink?

I offered, she wasn't interested.

Oh, well, I'm sure she'll have one now.

After all, no point in turning down
a free drink, is there?

I was always taught there's no such thing
as a free drink.

Especially when you don't know who's buying.

I'm Mary Lou Costain.

Name mean anything to you?

I seem to remember
hearing the name around town.

Thought you might.

So what are you doing on Jersey?

Oh, I retired here some 18 months back.

Running a nice respectable little business.

Importing Oriental goods.

More to the point,
what are you doing on Jersey?

Liddell, the whisky bottle's empty.

So?

So, go and get another one.

Good little puppy, isn't he?

Needs a smack on the nose from time to time.

So, you were just going to tell me
what you were doing on Jersey.

- Was I?
- I think so.

Only good manners, really,
when you're drinking my scotch.

Then what?

Well, I've given a full desciption
of what she's wearing to the docks,

to the airport, everybody.
She can't get off the island.

That's what you said the last time.

Philippa Vale once again
makes us look like a bunch of idiots.

Of course, what really makes it terrific
is you treating her to a bottle of champagne

just to wish her bon voyage.

If the press ever get hold of that...

- Who told you about that?
- I ran into r

What the bloody hell did you think
you were playing at?

Does it matter?

The only difference is she would have
pulled the same stunt only an hour earlier.

Maybe.

You didn't drink any of that champagne, did you?

- Is that all?
- For the moment.

Depends whether we get her back.
If we don't...

So, what you need is three things.

A safe place to hide fom the law,
a safe route off the island,

and as much spending money as you can get
your hands on to help you on your way.

A bit of luck you walking through my door, really,
wasn't it?

Was it?

A safe place, safe route,
and 20 grand in cash, what do you say?

I'd say Chistmas is getting earlier every year.

I'm assuming, of course, you're offering
all this out of the kindness of your heart.

No. You're the one that specialises
in sentimental gestures, love.

It's nothing too difficult.

Nothing out of your usual line of work.

- Diamonds?
- A safe.

I want you to open a safe
and bring me what's in it.

I've done safes, yes, in my time.

But I'm not exactly the best in the business.

I think you'll enjoy the challenge of this one.

Sweet of you, but I've been able to do up
my own buttons since I was a little girl.

(LAUGHING)

Eyes still bigger than your tummy, Liddell.

She's not called the Ice Maiden for nothing,
you know.

That? That's just a front.

Oh, still fancy your chances, do you?

In that case you'll be pleased to know
that I want you to drive our little guest

over to her appointment, wait and pick her up.

And make sure
she hands the plates over straightaway.

- Yes, okay.
- Then kill her.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Yes, what?
- Sorry, sir. Yes, Chief Inspector.

- You trying to be funny, Ted?
- The Costain file, sir, you wanted to see it.

- Who says I did?
- Well, the girl, the WPC.

What WPC?

I don't know,
I've never seen her before.

She just said...

- It's locked.
- Key, Ted, quick.

- I didn't know...
- Just give me the bloody key.

- She said she knew you.
- She jammed it.

Well, she can't have flown out.

She didn't have to fly, she just walked out.
Double-crossing bitch.

Excuse me, sir, is this your car?

Oh, yes. I mean, well, no,
I mean, well, you know, just hired it.

Exactly. Sir, the thing is, a car answering
this description was reported stolen

early last evening.

Stolen?

Well, I mean, you know... No.
No, that's impossible.

- I'm sure there's a simple explanation, sir.
- Yeah.

If you'll just give me the keys,
we can sort it out.

- The keys?
- So I can drive it round to the pound, sir.

If you wouldn't mind answering a few questions,
we'll have you on your way in no time.

If you wouldn't mind, madam.

Now look, I mean, you know,
I hired this car in all good faith.

Yes, I'm sure you did, sir.
Thank you so much for your cooperation.

What do you mean double-crossing bitch?

It was a set-up.

I let her go.

- What?
- I let her go.

And she was going to run straight to Costain.

- And then?
- Don't know.

I mean, I figured that with a professional
safecracker suddenly on her hands,

Costain couldn't resist the opportunity
of getting her hands on those plates.

- So you knew this was going to happen?
- Well, I thought it might.

Only she was supposed to
get in touch with me before

so we could put a tail on her here,
and catch her in the act of receiving them.

And you really believed that's what she'd do?
Have you gone completely off you trolley?

Why on earth would Philippa Vale
do anything to make our job easier?

Because I told he the judge
would take it into consideration

and because when I told her about Sammy Leech,
she didn't like it any more then I did.

Oh, Christ, Jim.

Little old lady or no little old lady,
she's a crook, first, last and foremost.

And crooks don't turn copper's narc
unless it's the only course open to them.

- Well, she did go to Costain.
- Well, sure she went to Costain, why not?

She comes here and double-crosses you
and Costain, too, probably.

And on top of that she has a highly marketable
set of plates to add to her retirement fund.

(SIGHS)

Our only chance of catching her now is if she's
laughing so much she gives herself a hernia.

Yes, I thought you were soft on her
the last time she was here.

Oh, come on.

All right, tell me...

You tell me why you thought she'd cooperate?

All right. All right.

What does Philippa Vale do?
She nicks diamonds and helps old ladies.

Mary Lou Costain tortures people to death for fun.

Now, I think I would let 20 Philippa Vales
get away if it meant getting one Mary Lou Costain.

Go home.

Hard day at the office, dear?

This is not funny, Miss Vale.
Nothing you do or say is funny.

What's the matter? We had a deal, remember?

Now, Sergeant, I'm going to tell you fortune.

You're going to go on a journey over water
and meet a woman with blonde hair.

- Have you got a wet suit?
- Have I got what?

Where?

Philippa!

PHILIPPA: Isn't this fun?

There is some point to this, I suppose.
Apart from making me look like a complete idiot.

Oh, every point. And if you get any silly ideas
about arresting me, you'll just end up in the drink.

- You do look annoyed.
- Do I?

- I can't imagine why.
- Neither can I.

- I mean, everything went according to plan.
- Yeah, except for one tiny little detail.

You promised to get in touch with me
before you laid hands on those plates.

Ah, yes, when it came right down to it,
I just couldn't see myself as a copper's narc.

It's a great pity you didn't develop those
scruples before I let you make a run for it, isn't it?

No, you don't understand. I promised
to help you fix the Costain woman, right?

Well, she's fixed.
What you don't know is she was already in debt.

And she paid for those plates in advance
and mortgaged everything she has to do it.

House, business, everything.
She'll be lucky if they even leave her a handbag.

That isn't good enough, is it, Philippa?

I can't see Sammy Leech
being delighted about that.

And she borrowed a quarter of a million
pounds from an organisation in London

who are very anxious to have their investment
back by the end of the week at the latest.

You know, the sort of people
with their own special brand of official receiver.

You lean on her now, she'll probably confess
everything in exchange for police protection.

Well, I hope you're right.
What about the plates?

Ah, well, friends of mine
are looking after those for me.

I didn't think you had any friends on Jersey.

You will give them back, of course.

- Naturally.
- Naturally.

I do hope you mean that.

- Oh, you're in big trouble if I don't, is that it?
- Well, what do you think?

You friends?

I think it might be time to leave.
That could be the owner of this yacht.

- Well, come on.
- What?

Last one to the beach is a wimp.

Wimp!

- Sorry about that, I got a bit caried away.
- Yeah, you certainly did.

No, I mean every well-brought-up English girl
wants her own police station to rob.

I hadn't thought about where it would leave you.

Well, I'll be all right,
providing you do hand back the plates.

Yes, all right. I've said I would.
Don't go on about it.

I'm already beginning to hate myself
and it isn't even morning yet.

You know the ironic thing about all this?
This has really been a waste of time, hasn't it?

We could have sat on the plates and
the Costain woman would have gone down anyway.

I wouldn't bank on it. She has contingency plans.

Oh, yeah, like what?

If I were you,
I wouldn't let those plates out of my sight

until the man from Holland comes to collect them.

You got any more sisterly advice?

Yes. From now on I'd rely on my own judgement
if I were you.

- Ignore the classically recommended sources.
- What? Is that supposed to mean something?

Think about it.

Nice here, isn't it?

I'll give you a ring and tell you
where you can pick up the plates.

Philippa, you don't want to go on running
for the rest of you life, do you?

Sergeant, the first time we met you told me
nobody can have everything they want.

I'll be at the Bureau.

I thought you told me never to call you at work.

Hello, Jim, I thought you were...

- No, it's all right, I'm just expecting a phone call.
- Oh.

- Oh, Peggy, can you do me a favour?
- I expect so.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Could you find Nick Paris for me?
Tell him I want a word. Bergerac.

- Hello. I've got your precious plates.
- I'm glad to hear it,

I thought it might be a nice gestue if I left them
at our old trysting place, don't you think?

Wherever you like. Philippa? Philippa.

You sent for me, Jim?

Yeah. I've just found a way
of getting out of the mess I'm in.

And since you're in the doghouse as well,
I thought you might like to share my good luck.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Philippa Vale just rang up.

She's leaving the plates in the cove
where I first found her,

and I think, if we'e quick,
we can grab her and the plates.

Jim, I just have to tell them something
at the desk, all right?

Yeah, sure. Be quick.

I'm sorry, Jim.
Roberts was being bloody difficult.

Just jump in, Nick.

- We should still be in time, shouldn't we?
- I hope so, Nick.

I really wouldn't like that lady
to get one over on me again.

Yeah, cunning little bitch, ain't she?

Cunning isn't the word, Nick.
Sometimes I think she must be a bloody magician.

I mean, think about it.
She's only been on the island 24 hours,

yet already she's managed
to get herself a police unifom,

find out exactly where we keep the plates

and find out the name of the sergeant
who's in charge of them.

Yeah. Amazing.

- How do you think she does it?
- Me? I don't know.

No, nor I.
Then there's that funny remark she made.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I saw her just over an hour ago
and she made this really weird remark.

She said that if she were me, she would ignore the
classically recommended sources of judgement.

Now, what do you think
she could have meant by that, eh?

God knows.
You know women, they'll say anything.

Maybe. Anyway, it set me thinking.

He father was an artist
and she knows all about painting.

And I used to have this girlfriend
who was a painter

and I remember her once
taking me round this gallery,

showing me this big picture
with three women with hardly anything on

and this bloke, sitting holding an apple.

I've never been one for dirty pictures.

Oh, you'd have been inteested in this one, Nick.
It was called the Judgement of Paris.

And I remember Francine telling me

there was this famous phrase
in a book somewhere.

''Give me the judgement of Paris.''

Now, why do you reckon Philippa Vale would think
that wasn't a terribly good idea?

I don't know what the hell you'e talking about.

You managed to get through all right, Nick?

You were gone so long, I thought
you must have dialled the wrong number.

Jim...

You see, I may be mistaken, but I reckon
five minutes after we aive at that cove,

Costain will roll up
to get her hands on those plates

and if she does, there's only one person on earth
who could have told her.

I reckon I'm gonna be
flavour of the month, don't you?

What are you grinning at?

Oh, I see. She wasn't at the shop.
She was at the house, was she?

That's what took you so long.
You had to make two phone calls.

Only five minutes from the cove, Jim.

I just hope you girlfriend's gone by the time
they get there. Costain really hates her.

You better keep on hoping that, Nick,

because whatever they do to her,
that is exactly what I'm gonna do to you.

Sweet. That was really sweet.

Now, kill her.

(GUNSHOT)

LIDDELL: She'll never be any deader.

Don't waste you time worrying about her, love.
She'd have danced on your bones.

- I, uh... I just wonder why, that's all.
- These are why, darling.

Why waste you life taking orders
from a crazy woman

when you can soak in the sun
for the rest of your days?

Okay, let's go.

LIDDELL: Move.

I suppose there's some good reason
why I'm being allowed to live.

Go on.

Three reasons, love.

First off, you've got a safe way off this island.

Second, if you haven't, you'll make
a lovely hostage to make sure I do get off.

And third, if you play your cards right,

after I sell...

(GUNSHOT)

Right. Now, move away from him.
Right away.

Keep still. You too, Sergeant.

If I don't, you'll let me have it
straight between the eyes, will you?

The killer or the jewel thief, Sergeant.
You can't have us both.

Oh, Philippa!

Liddell, catch.

Well, go on! Or has the prospect of a life
in the sunshine suddenly palled?

Good girl.

Yeah, good girl. Great girl. Terrific girl!
If that is your idea...

Are you gonna stand there all day
throwing insults at me, Sergeant,

or are you going to get after the plates?

(GASPING)

- Took your time about it.
- Philippa, give it up.

I'll tell the court.
They're bound to take it into consideration.

You'll be out inside two years.

I've got a better idea, Sergeant.

Have you any idea what those plates are worth
on the open market?

Why don't you and I take a year off
and do Europe together on the proceeds?

- What?
- Not you style, is it, Sergeant?

And prison uniform isn't mine.

Bye.

(GROANING)

Oh, shut up.