Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 6 - Citizen Kraus - full transcript

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Good morning, Benson.
Good morning.

Hard at work, I see.

Ah, just as I thought,
the sports page.

Why don't you read something
that will improve your mind,
like the horoscopes.

I don't believe in that stuff.

Ah, you must be
Taurus the bull.

You must be Kraus
the crab.

Gretchen, this telegram
just arrived for you.

Thank you, Marcy.

Aren't you gonna open it?
Later.

I don't have time
to sit around reading
like some people.



Is she referring to me?

How can you not
open a telegram?

Where is it from?

I don't know.
I didn't open it.

Bavaria.

You peeked.

Well, if they don't
want you peek,

they shouldn't put those
little cellophane windows
on front of the envelope.

Busy day, Marcy.

Attorney General Prine
just called.

He's had to resign
for reasons of health.

Reasons of health?
It says here he's
been indicted.

Yes, and he's sick
about it.

It's no skin off
your nose, sir.



You didn't appoint Prine,
so how can you look bad?

Pete, any time
a public servant
betrays his trust,

it makes us
all look bad.

Though that is a
very attractive picture
of Mr. Prine.

He always was
a snappy dresser.

Yeah,
that's a smart-looking hat

he's holding
in front of his face.

I don't want you
worrying about this, sir.

I'll put out a release
saying that,

"Although the governor
worked closely

"with the Attorney General
for two years,

"he never really liked him."

Well, Clayton,
we'd better snap to it.

We've got to get up a list
of possible replacements.

Yes, sir.

Marcy, we're liable to
be burning the midnight
oil on this one,

so if you have any plans,
flush them.

KRAUS: Hot damn!

I have great news.

Well, what is it,
Gretchen?

My Aunt Hilda died.

I'm very sorry
to hear that, Kraus.

How much longer do you expect
to be in mourning?

Aunt Hilda was very old und
had been ill for many years.

May she rest in peace.

The surprising thing is
she has mentioned me
in her will.

I don't know why.
She hardly knew me.

Maybe that's why.

I am an heiress, Marcy.

Well, that's wonderful,
Gretchen.

What did she leave you
in the will?

I don't know.
It says a letter will follow.

Also, I must go to Bavaria
to sign the papers.

Well, hot damn!

How long do you expect
to be over there?

I don't know.
A week, maybe.

Oh, Bavaria must be just
beautiful this time of year.

Ja, it is
the hunting season.

Do they wear those cute
little lederhosen

and go hunting
for wild turkey?

There are no turkeys
in Bavaria.

But there's one
on the way.

Give a cheer.
Frankie's here.

Frankie, what do you want?

I brought a letter over
for Miss Kraus,

and I thought,
since I was here, I'd...

You'd pitch a few jokes
to the governor.

Frankie, sit down.
But, Benson...

Sit, sit, sit, sit!

Frankie, let me tell you
something.

I like you.

Now, that may come
as a surprise to you.

I know it does to me.

You're a good messenger
and a nice kid.

I like everything about you
except your jokes.

But they're funny.
They're not funny, Frankie.

The governor is not going
to hire you.

He does not need jokes
in his speeches.

His speeches are jokes.

But, Benson,
I have a dream.

Then wake up.

It's no crime
not to be funny.

Lots of very important people
aren't funny.

But, Benson...
Frankie!

Don't bother to get up.
I can throw myself out.

Hi, Frankie.

You want to hear
a joke?

Not if it's
one of yours.

Marcy,
the letter arrived.

About the inheritance?

Ja, it's wonderful,
better than my wildest dream.

Well, it really
must be something,

'cause her wildest dream is
about a boatload of Vikings.

I want to share this
with you.

Read it und weep.

Aunt Hilda has left me her
Gasthaus in the Bavarian Alps.

It's a little inn with
a restaurant downstairs.

Und over the front door
there is this huge clock.

Cuckoo?

Ja, und it is...

Out in the front,
there is a wishing well.

The townspeople
drop in a pfennig
und wish for power.

At the end of the day,
you have to shovel it out.

Oh, Gretchen,
it sounds so romantic.

When do you have to be there
for the reading of the will?

Is immediately too soon
to hope for?

I don't know.

I stopped reading when
I got to the part about
the wishing well.

Oh, yeah?
Well, listen to this, Kraus.

"In order to inherit
said property,

"the beneficiary must
remain on the premises
as resident owner."

I think they're asking you
to move to Germany.

What?
Well, I won't do it.

Wait a minute.

"Otherwise, said property
passes to alternate heir,

"Heidi Kraus."

In that case,
I'll think about it.

Who's Heidi?

My cousin.

Und would she love to get her
big mitts on that property.

Oh, Gretchen, you just can't
move to Germany.

All your friends
are here.

Benson, tell her
she can't go.

Benson.

I'm trying to, Marcy.
It just won't come out.

That's all right, Marcy.

Perhaps I should go.

I am in the August
of my life.

Soon will come September,

und it will be time to gather
up the nuts for winter.

You know what
I'm saying?

Do you?

I'm talking about security
in my old age.

I must think this
through.

Benson, do you think
she'll go?

Not when she realizes
how happy it would make me.

Hey, Kraus.
What are you doing up?

(SIGHS) I've been trying
to make up my mind,

und I finally decided
I cannot go back
to Germany.

Well, wait a minute,
now, Kraus.

You don't want
to make a decision

that I'm gonna regret
the rest of my life.

Hard cheese, Benson.

I'm going with
my gut feeling.

Und in my gut,
I am an American.

Believe me, Kraus,
you're an alien.

I know.
I saw the movie.

Oh, Miss Kraus, didn't
I just hear Benson talking?

Ja, but he didn't say
anything, as usual.

He went to bed.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was looking forward
to talking to someone.

I've just been tossing
and turning,

trying to make up my mind

who to pick for
the Attorney General.

I just can't get to sleep.

I have the same problem.

Oh, well, thanks,
Miss Kraus,

but picking a new attorney
general is really my job.

Besides, you have
enough to do.

Um, Governor,

I would like to speak to you
about becoming a citizen.

Well, I already am
a citizen, Miss Kraus.

You can't be governor unless
you're a citizen.

Well, that is what
I want to be.

Well, fine, but you will have
to become a citizen first.

That is what I am trying
to tell you, sir.

I would like to become a
citizen of the United States.

Good. I think you've made
an excellent choice.

It's my favorite country.

Well, tell me, Miss Kraus,
why, after all these years,

have you suddenly decided
to become a citizen?

Well, I remember the first
year I was in this country,

I watched the Fourth of July
parade from my window.

Haven't missed one since.

Und I just realized

that all those years
I watched from my room,

where I really wanted to be
was down on the curb

with a flag in my hand.

You see, sir,
I don't want to watch
from my window anymore.

I want to be part
of the parade.

Congratulations,
Miss Kraus.

Of course, you have to file
a declaration of intent

and then wait for
the naturalization test.

They ask you questions about
our government and history.

There's a lot to learn.
You think you can do it?

Ja. I mean, yes.

Well, maybe Benson
can help you.

It would be
the first time

Benson has ever done
anything for me.

I put your name
on the waiting list
for the moon shuttle.

Benson, Miss Kraus has
decided to become a citizen.

Isn't that wonderful news?

Yes, sir.
When the word gets out,

they'll be dancing
in the streets.

(LAUGHS) Oh, I don't think
people will go that far.

No, I don't mean here, sir.
I mean in Germany.

Okay, who said,
"Don't give up the ship"?

Captain James Lawrence
on June 1, 1813.

Right again.

Gretchen,
how did you know that?

She was there.

American history has always
fascinated me.

She has a whole shelf
full of history books.

I'm going in
to watch the news.

The news?
Yeah.

So I won't have
to read about it
when I'm in high school.

Well, I'm very impressed,
Gretchen.

One thing's for sure, you're
not gonna have any trouble

with that citizenship test
tomorrow.

Benson, what is this?

How did you get
ahold of this?

I gave it to him.

I want an itemized accounting
for the Thursday reception,

not just the alleged
total figure.

I know that, Clayton.

Then why didn't you
do a breakdown?

Because I haven't
had a chance to get
all the receipts together.

I lost them.

Stay out of this, Kraus.

I can take care of myself,
Benson.

You lost the receipts?

Then how on earth did you
come up with the figure

of $1,584.70?

I remembered
what everything cost.

I have it all in my head.

Oh? So, let's have it.

Uh, well, uh,

there was the rental
of the extra chairs.

Und, um, the florist.

Dollars and cents, Kraus.
I want the numbers.

The suppliers are sending
the receipts, Clayton.
I'll handle it.

Come on, Kraus.
I haven't got all day.

Stop pushing me.
You are making me nervous.

Clayton, she's got a lot
on her mind right now.

Really?

Seems like a total blank
to me.

You two ought to
get your story straight.

Sorry, Gretchen.
He treated you very badly.

He should have.

Cost sheets are
my responsibility.

You don't hand them in.
I do.

And if those receipts
don't match this figure,

he's really gonna
get on your case.

Well, when my memory
is working, it is perfect.

You're telling me you've got
a perfect memory

when you can't remember
your middle name.

Oh, ja?

Well, the meat, produce, und
baked goods came to $334.85.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
$334.85.

The liquor cost
was $754.90.

(CLICKING)

Furniture rental
und florist, $315.25.

(CLICKING)

Bongo-drum player,
90 bucks even.

Okay, is that it?
No.

My middle name
is Wilomena.

Kraus, that comes
to $1,495.

You're $89.70 short.

Add the 6% sales tax,
dummy.

On the nose.

Well, good for you,
Gretchen.

So, why didn't you
do that with Clayton
instead of Benson?

I don't know.

It could be that Clayton
makes me nervous,

while Benson only
makes me nauseous.

Is Miss Kraus back yet?
Not yet, sir.

I want to be here
to congratulate her.

It isn't every day
we get to welcome

a new citizen
to this country.

Try and tell them that
in Miami.

Daddy, what does it mean to be
"naturalized," anyway?

Well, you know how
in some places

the hamburgers
aren't all meat,

but they still call them
hamburgers?

I can't wait to hear
the end of this one.

Well, they add soy meal
to the meat.

But it looks like hamburger
and it tastes like hamburger,

so it's sort of
naturalized hamburger.

So Miss Kraus is
gonna become something
she wasn't before?

Right.
Now she's a citizen.

But she's still
a hamburger.

They should be back by now.

I'm gonna go see
if they're here.

Benson, keep it a secret,

but I'm thinking of giving
Miss Kraus a party tonight.

Would you come?
Will she be there?

Here they are!
They're home.

GOVERNOR: Oh, good.
Congratulations, Miss Kraus.

You're no longer the wretched
refuse of our teeming shore.

(CRIES)

What happened?

She didn't make it.

Gretchen failed the test.

Hi.

Oh, how's Miss Kraus?

Not good.

She's talking about
going back to Germany,

but I don't think
she means it.

I don't get it.
She knew all that stuff cold.

Boy, I saw it coming.

The minute the immigration
officer walked into the room,

she was just
a bundle of nerves.

And when he asked her
the first question,

she couldn't remember
her own name.

She drew a blank.
Mmm-hmm.

Just like she did when
Clayton pressed her
for those receipts.

Certain people just seem
to intimidate her.

I wish I was one of them.

Well, it's not
that unusual

to panic when faced
with a test.

I know I do.
Ooh, me, too.

I really fall apart under
pressure. I always did.

I remember
on my honeymoon,

I ended up sleeping
in the lobby.

Oh, Miss Kraus,
I'm so sorry
about the test.

Better luck next time.

There will be
no next time.

I thought you wanted
to become a citizen.

It's a free country.

I have the right
to change my mind.

Gretchen, you've got to
take the test again.

You know, the same thing
happened to me

my first year
of college.

Every time I had an exam,
I drew a blank.

So, what did you do?

I failed.

But I didn't quit.

I dealt with the problem,
and I graduated with my class.

Well, how did you do it?

I decided to study.

I have a little trick
that I use

when I'm trying to remember
things, word association.

For example, suppose
you were to ask me,

who was the fourth president
of the United States?

Well, the first thing
I'd think of would be
the fourth grade.

And then I'd think
of Daisy Kaufmann,

who used to sit
next to me.

And when I think of a daisy,
I think of a flower.

And when I think of flower,
I think of a smell.

And when I think of a smell,
I think of a nose.

And when I think of a nose,
I think of Barbra Streisand.

When I think of
Barbra Streisand,

I think of
Hello, Dolly!

And when I think of
Dolly, I think of
Dolley Madison,

who was married
to James Madison,

who was the fourth president
of the United States.

Wasn't he?

I think it would be easier
to go back to Germany.

Gretchen,
you're no quitter.

Now, take the test again.

Benson and I will help you.
Won't we, Benson?

Well, I don't know, Marcy,

because I'm not
very much on history.

As a matter of fact,
I can only remember two dates.

December 7, 1941
and June 9, 1959.

Well, I know December 7
was Pearl Harbor,

but what happened
on June 9?

Well, it had to do
with a certain young
lady named Cynthia.

That isn't in the
history books.

It should be.

Miss Kraus, I think
it's very generous

of Marcy and Benson
to make the offer.

And I think you should
take 'em up on it.

What offer?

I'll tell you what,
Gretchen.

Not only
will we help you,

but this time, Benson
will come along as one
of your witnesses.

Marcy.
Benson.

You would do that
for me?

Of course he would.
Wouldn't you, Benson?

Well, anything to help her
make up her mind.

You want me to become
a citizen?

Why?

Well, because, Kraus, you're
worthless the way you are.

Good Lord, woman.

One minute you're saying,
"Don't give up the ship."

The next minute,
you're taking one to Germany.

I just want to know
one way or the other.

Tell me where you
want me to stand,

at the immigration office
or down at the dock?

At the immigration office.

Damn!

Come on, Benson.

I don't know what
I'm doing here.

Well, it's just gonna
take a minute.

You're here to vouch
for Gretchen's character.

Won't that make
my nose grow?

I don't know why there
isn't anybody here?

You're sure
this is the right place?

Yeah, this is it.

Ja, this is the very chair
where I fell apart.

(SIGHS)
Good afternoon.

MARCY: Hello.

Close the door, please.

We were here before,
Mr. Pruitt.

Remember us?
No.

Which one of you
is the petitioner?

She is.

"Kraus."

Did you fill this out
by yourself?
Ja.

And you can read
and write?
Ja.

Can you speak English?

Ja.

Can I hear some of it?

What do you
want me to say?

That's enough.

You two, I assume,
are the character witnesses?

How long have you known
the petitioner?

We've known her
for two years.

But it seems
a lot longer.

To become a citizen,
a person must be of
good moral character.

To your knowledge,
is the petitioner
a habitual drunkard,

an adulterer,
a polygamist, a gambler,

a perjurer, a convict,
or a murderer?

Not to my knowledge,

but then what Kraus does on
the weekend is her business.

No.

The petitioner must
demonstrate a knowledge
of the history

and the principles
of the United States.

Are you ready?

(NERVOUSLY) Ja.

What was the date
of the signing

of the Declaration
of Independence?

The four...

(CLEARS THROAT)
The fourth of July.

Would you care to venture
a year?

19... Uh, 1776.

Who was the American president
during the war of 1812?

Who was the American president
during the war of 1812?

The American president during
the war of 1812 was...

Uh, the one between
Jefferson und Monroe.

Yes, yes?

Um... Oh, I can see
his picture so clearly.

Now if I could just make out
what it says underneath.

I'm waiting.

Just give her a minute.
I'm sure she knows it.

Doesn't she, Benson?
What?

You know, fourth grade.

Oh, sure.
Uh, come on, Kraus.

You've known that
since the fourth grade.

I have?
Yeah.

When you sat next
to Daisy Kaufmann.

She wore a flower.

You used to smell it
with your nose,

which reminded you of
Barbra Streisand...

Dolley Madison's husband...
What's-his-name.

That's what I'm waiting for.

James Madison.

Thank you.

During the Civil War,

who was the president
of the Confederacy?

Ja.

Uh, not Lincoln,
but the other guy.

Uh, the one
with the funny money.

Um, uh, you know,
Robert E. Lee's boss.

Do you know it
or don't you?
Ja, I, um...

Did you study at all?

Ja, I got it all inside.
I just can't get it out.

Then perhaps you'd better
come back another time.

No, I have already been
back another time.

Oh, Marcy,
what am I going to do?

I'm so nervous
I can't think.

Well, nothing new in that,
is there, Kraus?

Benson.

She's wasting your time.

She doesn't know anything
about this country.

Ja, I do.

Then why can't you
remember it?

Now, wait a minute.

Kraus,
you're an incompetent.

You can't even remember
your own middle name.

Now listen, Benson.

Any idiot ought
to be able to name

the president
of the Confederacy.

Jefferson Davis
became president

of the Confederate States of
America on February 9, 1861.

That's very good.

Well, she probably
looked at the answer.

She can read upside-down,
you know.

Let me hold that.
Sure.

"Who secured passage of
the Missouri Compromise"?

Henry Clay.

Is that right?

That's what it says here.

This one will get her.

"In 1823,
secretary of state

"John Quincy Adams
created a policy which"...

The Monroe Doctrine.

That's right.

"The charge up
San Juan Hill"...

Its real name was Kettle Hill,

und it was led by
Theodore Roosevelt,

who later became
the 26th president.

Oh, that's very good,
Miss Kraus,

really excellent.

Well, she got lucky.

Now let's turn
to the Constitution.

Which page?

Sir, it's simply a question
of which is more important,

swearing in the new
Attorney General

or congratulating
the help.

Clayton, we have
half an hour.

And off the record,
congratulating Miss Kraus
is more important to me.

Oh, Katie, Miss Kraus
is gonna love this.

Thanks, Daddy.

Here, you can help
blow up the balloons.

Oh, good.
Here you are, Clayton.

Oh, sir,
I'd really rather not.

I have nothing against
a certain amount of
controlled frivolity.

Blow!

Oh, this would have made
great picture coverage.

Why didn't somebody
tell me?

'Cause we didn't find out
Miss Kraus had passed the test

until 15 minutes ago
when Marcy called.

Have a balloon.

We're back.
Oh, everybody hide.

GOVERNOR:
Congratulations!

(SHOUTING)

Oh, thank you,
Liebling.

Well, how does it feel
to be an American citizen?

It is a great honor.
An honor und a privilege.

We're so happy
for you, Gretchen.

Thank you.

You know,
when I came over here,

the first thing I saw
was the Statue of Liberty

holding up a torch.

Und then I noticed,
in her other hand,
she held a book.

Well, I think today,
when I signed the papers
that made me a citizen,

I wrote my name in that book.

It's right there
with your names.

All of your families
came from somewhere else.

I just got here
a little late.

Well, we're very glad
you decided to stay.

Oh, so am I.

After all, some of my best
friends are Americans.

(LAUGHS)

Thank you, sir.

Welcome aboard,
Miss Kraus.

Don't forget to register
to vote.

I think you're also entitled
to a library card.

Well, it's so exciting.

Let's get the champagne.

Congratulations, Kraus.

Thank you, Benson.

I know what
you did for me.

Without your help,
I would not have
passed the test.

Thanks to you,
I am now a citizen
of the United States.

Well, there goes
the neighborhood.

Mail.

Here's a postcard
for you, Gretchen.
Oh.

What does it say?
I haven't the
slightest idea.

I bet.
It's in German.

It's from my
cousin Heidi.

She has invited me to
spend 10 days at the inn

at a special discount
off-season rate.

Hey, not bad.

Ja, except that right now
it is the off season.

Well, you know how those
foreigners are, Kraus,

always trying to take
advantage of us Americans.

You said it. Would you
like some coffee, Benson?

Thank you very much,
Gretchen.

You know, I think the events
of the last couple of days

have brought us all
a little closer together.

I mean, you two are actually
being nice to each other.

So I think it's about time
you finally admitted
you're friends.

What do you say?
Why don't you shake on it?