Benson (1979–1986): Season 2, Episode 4 - Masquerade - full transcript

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Well, Benson,
what have you
lost this time?

My patience.

Perhaps I have
what you want.

Kraus, you ain't got
nothing I want.

Even the guest list
for the costume party?

Where did you get that?
I told Marcy to leave this
on my desk.

And I told her
to give it to me.

Whatever ends up
on that desk
disappears forever.

In that case,
hop aboard.



Benson, I've a complaint
about the dinner.

I wasn't too crazy
about breakfast.

I mean, the costume dinner
for the Picoan ambassador.

Daddy just told me
there's a $100-a-plate
donation.

So?
Don't you think that's
a little steep for one dinner?

That includes dessert.

No, Katie, the money
is to help build a new
hospital in Picoa.

Memo from Clayton,
Benson.

I can tell.
It's engraved.

So, Katie, have you decided
on a costume for the party?

Pete wants me to wear
the traditional costume
of Picoa.

I think that might be fun.

Benson, they wear
bananas on their heads.

Well, I wish I could
decide what to wear.



You are wearing
a costume?
Well, sure.

I saw an author on
David Hartman
just this morning

who said it's a very healthy
way to act out your fantasies.

I would never act out
my fantasies in public.

I would never act out
my fantasies in private.

Never?
Don't push her,
just thank her.

What about you, Benson?
What are you wearing?

I'm gonna wear my blue suit
with the beige shirt
and a striped tie.

Read Clayton's memo.
You'll find it
very interesting.

"In keeping with the spirit
of the evening,

"all house staff
will be required

"to appear for work
at the Picoan dinner
in costume.

"P.S. You, too, Benson."

How nice!
A personal touch.

Costumes? Well,
what am I supposed
to wear?

Why don't you leave town
and come as a missing person?

Benson in?
Unfortunately.

My name is Howard.
I'm a friend
of the gardener, Lou.

He's sick.
Lou's sick?

Right. He asked me
to fill in for him.
Didn't he call?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Excuse me.

Hello. Lou,
what a surprise.

Listen, Benson,
I can't make it today,

so I sent a friend over
to work for me.

Yeah, he just got here.

What happened, Lou?
Your grandma die again?

Oh, no, I'm just not
feeling too good.

Well, stay put
until it passes.

Oh, yes, I intend to. Bye.

Okay. Take it easy.

You know what to do.
No problem.

Benson, I have made up
my mind.

I am not going
to dress up

like some funny, strange
creature in weird clothes.

Yeah? Well, then you're just
gonna have to get a costume.

Now, Ambassador Corzo
is personally supervising

all the security
arrangements.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

You want to see me,
Clayton?

Yeah, I'll be with you
in a while, Benson.

Fine. I'll see you
in a while.

No, wait, Benson.

We have great news
about the party.

We're gonna bob for apples?

You know,
that might be fun.

Governor.
I'm sorry, Benson.
Maybe next time.

What did you want to
see me about, Clayton?

All right, Benson, what we
are about to tell you

must remain
strictly confidential.

Which means no press,
no leaks until
the right time.

Ambassador Corzo
is being accompanied by...

The golden monkey.

And we don't want
his wife to find out?

Oh, I think she knows.

The golden monkey!
Isn't that great?

Is it housebroken?

For the benefit
of the uninformed,

the golden monkey happens
to be Picoa's national symbol,

a pre-Columbian
statuette

and the island's
most ancient
and revered artifact.

Uh-huh.

The whole gizmo is
made of gold and covered
in precious jewels.

Benson, we're talking
big coverage.

We're talking the "People"
section of Time

and the "Time" section
of P eople.

The ambassador is displaying
the monkey at the party
as a gesture of thanks.

And you, Benson,
are to cooperate with
the ambassador's people

and arrange for the proper
display of the golden monkey.

We want to be sure
that it gets the respect
it deserves

during its stay with us.

I'll change the sheets
in the guest room.

Uh. Governor,
while we're talking
about this party,

I'd like to discuss
my costume.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Don't tell me what
you're coming as, Benson.

I will want to be surprised.

No, no, no, no, no, sir.
I mean...

I think the staff could do
a much better job working
without costume.

Uh, uh... The costume party
was the ambassador's idea.

Well, it was a bad one.

Yeah, but, see,
the party coincides with
Picoa's national festival.

I mean, costumes are
traditional.

And I'm afraid unless
everybody comes in costume,

the ambassador may take it
as a sign of disrespect.

There will be
no exceptions.

What's the monkey coming as,
a chicken?

Besides, when do I have time
to go looking for a costume?

Oh, don't worry,
I'll get the costumes
for the staff.

Yeah, thank you, Peter,
I'll take care of my own.

I plan to wear something
suitable to my character.

Who are going to get
to be the front end?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

You heard me, Jake.
The golden monkey.

And I'm getting you
the exclusive.

This is big, Jake,
real big.

We're talking gold.
We're talking emeralds.
We're talking rubies.

You name the stone,
it's on this chimp.

Pete, there's a guy
holding for you on line 3.

Yeah, I know.
Remember, Jake,

this is an exclusive,
just for you. Right.

Hello, Sam. Yeah,
thanks for holding.

I got a hot
exclusive for you.
Yeah, just for you.

Would I lie to you,
Sam?

Why not?
You lied to Jake.
Shh!

I hope the display case
is ready.

Ambassador Corzo's on his way
over with the golden monkey.

Which one of them's
driving?

Well, I've been
reading all about it.
It's just fantastic.

Did you know that money
is 12 pounds of solid gold?

Mmm. That could fill
a lot of teeth.

It's worth
a lot of money.
So is my dentist.

Yes, uh, right this way,
Mr. Ambassador.
Thank you.

Oh, uh, sir,
I'd like you to meet

Governor Gatling's executive
secretary, Marcy Hill,

a most reliable and
hardworking member
of our staff.

My pleasure.
Oh, no, no, sir.
It's her pleasure.

Yeah, and this is
Peter Downey,

the Governor's
press representative.

He's highly experienced,
extremely dedicated.

How nice to meet you.

And this gentleman...

This is Benson.

Benson?
He set up the display.

What a privilege
to meet you.

In my country,
only the most
respected officers

are allowed to touch
the shrine of
the golden monkey.

Mr. Ambassador,
I can't tell you

what a thrill it is to have
such a famous treasure
at this mansion.

We've heard
so much about it.

And you shall not
be disappointed.

Words cannot describe
the beauty of our sacred
golden monkey.

I hope he brought
the sacred vacuum cleaner.

Ready?
Yes.

Well?

What do you think?

Uh-huh.

Well, it certainly is
the most pre-Columbian
thing I've ever seen.

I don't think I've ever
seen a monkey so short.

Oh, what...
What can I say?

That... That's a monkey,
all right.

Thank you.

It is a true work of art.

I've won better-looking
things knocking over
three milk bottles.

Kraus, tell your people
we need more meatballs.

Yeah, they are
on the stove.

Who are you
supposed to be?

Heidi.

Well, it doesn't
"hide-y" enough.

Well, don't blame me.
Pete picked out the costume.

Besides, you don't
look so hot.

I never saw
a black pirate before.

That's because
they're all below deck,
playing basketball.

Gretchen, we're out
of meatballs.

Coming up.

Do you believe
this costume?

What's wrong
with that costume?

It itches.

I can't dance,
I can't sit down,

and no one talks to me,
'cause I blend into
the drapes.

Isn't anyone here
working?

The ambassador has requested
more Picoan meatballs.

Why? Don't he have enough
on his staff?

Clayton, that is
a magnificent costume.

Costume?

This happens to be
a family heirloom,

first worn by a distant cousin
in the 17th century.

Did he ever wear it
to Yankee Stadium?

'Cause there's a big mustard
stain on the front.

Oh, no!

I can't go back out there
looking like this!

Sure you can.
Wear a mask.

Clayton, I will clean it
for you.

Come with me
to the laundry room.

Hell of a price to pay
for same-day service, huh?

Boy, I must have eaten
100 meatballs.

Hey, you guys aren't
still angry about
the costumes, are you?

I don't know what
you're complaining about.

This hat smells like
a buffalo roamed in it.

Hello? Yes.

Tell your man
I'm dressed as a pirate.

They like Kraus'
meatballs,

no wonder they
worship a monkey.

Hi, Benson.
Well, hello, sugar.
(CHUCKLES)

How are you?
Fine.

Except when the people think
my hat's the dessert tray.

(LAUGHS)

I thought you weren't gonna
wear that Picoan costume.

Pete said
it's my civic duty.

Frankly, Benson,
I feel used.

(CHUCKLES)

Isn't it about time
you were heading for bed?

Just one more
mingle, okay?
All right.

Excuse me.
Wait a minute.

You're the substitute
gardener.

Get out of here,
you lousy freeloader.

Out!
Hello.

So honored
you could come.
Out!

How do you do?
Nice to see you.

You're looking good,
Governor.

Oh, well, you think so?
Uh-huh.

I picked it out myself.
Can you tell who I am?

Are you on a dollar bill?

I don't think so.
Did you lose one?

Never mind.

Have you seen
a dollar bill?

The road has many turns.

You talking to me?

The road has many turns.

Well, drive carefully.

You are the pirate?
Right.

You want to take the cash
or go for what's behind
door number three?

I am Alonzo.
Alonzo?

I would have
guessed bozo.

So, my pirate friend,
you are ready?

Yo-ho-ho!

You made
all the arrangements?

Yeah, but Pete picked
these costumes.

The monkey
is beautiful, no?

No.

So, everything
is according to plan?

Yeah, well,
it seems smooth to me.

Good. Perhaps no one
will have to die.

Yeah, well, that could
put a damper on the party.

Sometimes, it is necessary
to kill for the revolution.

Revolution?
Shh!

Governor, I'm just telling you
what the man told me.

His exact words were...

(IN SPANISH ACCENT)
"Sometimes, it is necessary
to kill for the revolution."

Revolution?

Oh, Clayton, have we fallen
that far in the polls?

Sir, I am sure this is
just another case of
Benson overreacting.

Oh, really? Well,
what do you want me to do with
that clown in the living room?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.

Excuse me, Governor.
We've got a problem.

We caught this man
climbing through a window,
carrying this gun.

A burglar?
I am afraid it is
more than that.

He wears the tattoo
of the scorpion,

a violent revolutionary
group from my island.

They are here, undoubtedly,
to steal the golden monkey.

Oh, one of them violent
revolutionary groups
with no taste.

Yeah, why would anybody
want to steal that?

It is priceless.

It could finance
their whole revolution.

Clayton, call General
what's-his-name
at the National Guard.

That will not stop us.

We are all prepared to die.
How many of you are?

Are you asking
for a show of hands?

These people are fanatics.

We shall find another way
to solve the problem.

What problem?

We just tell them, "Hey,
we burned the pot roast.

"We're going out
for Chinese."

They leave, we ship the monkey
out on the next plane.

You think we are fools?

Any change in the plans,
the shooting will start.

All right, mister.

I want the names and addresses
of all of your associates.

You won't get
anything out of him.
Take him away.

Guard, be sure to
keep him out of sight.

We don't want
to tip our hand.

Obviously, that hoodlum
was to be recognized
only by his costume.

That's why they
approached Benson.

They're both wearing
pirate's costumes.
Well, I'll fix that.

Benson, you must
continue the charade

until we find out how many
revolutionaries there are.

You talking to me?
You're the only one.

Why?
Because they know you.

They've already made
contact with you.

You must find out
exactly how many rebels
are at the party.

Did I miss something?
When did I volunteer?

Benson, you are the only one
who can do it, I'm afraid.

You're afraid?

(WHISPERING) Benson.
Yeah?

Whatever I say,
don't scream.

Stick 'em up!
(BOTH SCREAM)

Just a joke.
I'm just kidding around.

Clayton told me
all about the plot.

The plot?
BOTH: Shh!

And I spotted someone I think
could be part of it.

Where is he?
He's over there.
Don't look now.

He's the guy wearing
the priest costume.

He looks very suspicious.
You look very suspicious.

He's got "revolution" written
all over him.

The nerve!
Impersonating a priest.

Marcy, that's not a costume.
That's Father O'Malley.

Father O'Malley
is plotting something?

Get him out of here!

Come on, Tex.
I'll fill you in.

Fool!

You're supposed to be
by the door.

Give me a head start,
and I'll be through it.

That comes later.

First, we must proceed
with point C.

Point C?
Si.

Already?
My, how time flies.

In one hour,
we will create the diversion

and seize the monkey.
Good.

So, uh, listen, you want me
to check on the rest of us?

That's not your job.

Yeah, I know, but I just
want to make sure

that what's-his-name
don't chicken out.

What's his name?
Yeah, a little short guy,
moustache.

That's me.
Oh.

Well, I mean,
the tall guy,
No moustache.

Pedro, he's here.
Yeah, yeah, good,
Pedro, yeah.

Yeah, well, that's me,
you, Pedro, and...

And all the others.
And all the others.

Yeah, I'm just
a little confused

because there are so
many of us, aren't there?

There are as many
as planned.

That many? Huh.

No one called in sick?
Of course not.

Oh, well, since everybody
showed up, um,

won't we be a little
crowded in the, um, bus?

Bus?
Truck?

What truck?
For the getaway.

Brainless one,
we'll make our escape
in the station wagon.

Oh, a station wagon.
Is that an economy wagon?

I'm sick of your
stupid questions.

I will meet you at
the golden monkey in an hour
or I will box your ears!

Yeah, you and,
how many other guys?

So, they are planning
an escape in a station wagon.

Okay, that would mean
they could comfortably seat
a family of six.

I don't think they
brought their kids.

You know, when I was
in college, we squeezed
47 into a Packard.

And if they all were
in clown costumes,

well, one time in
the circus, I saw...
Sir. Sir!

I think we can safely say
we have no idea
how many there are.

And we are running
out of time.

So, what do we do?

I have a plan.
I don't like it.

You don't even know
what it is.
Am I in it?

Yes.
Then I don't like it.

What's your plan,
Ambassador?

Benson returns
to the party
as our decoy.

"Decoy?" The term is
"sitting duck."

Thank you.
Sitting duck.

But this time,
he will be ready

for those
bloodthirsty ducks.

The term is "dogs."

"Sitting dogs?"

Good night and good luck.

Benson, can't you
at least listen?

I stopped listening
after "bloodthirsty ducks."

We will beat them
at their own game,
Benson.

We will switch the real
golden monkey

for this replica!

Hey, that's terrific.
You like it?

It was to be my country's
gift to your state.

Oh, well,
this is remarkable.

It's just as heavy
as the real thing.

It's just as shiny
as the real thing.

It's just as ugly
as the real thing.

Um, Clayton,
you will turn off the lights
for a few moments.

Benson, you will make
a switch in the darkness.

Oh, I see. That way,
when the revolutionaries
take the monkey,

they'll be stealing a copy.

Ingenious, Ambassador.
I'm most impressed.

If you like it so much,
why don't you do it?

Because I'm management,
and you're labor.

Benson, you're behaving
like a coward.

In my country,
we laugh at death.

We ain't in your country.

He's right.

Nevertheless, sir,
it is a good plan.

But is it fair to ask
Benson to risk his life?

No!
ALL: Yes.

Benson, the decision
is entirely up to you.
Oh, come on.

But just remember,
many lives depend on this.

It's a decision many brave men
have had to make,

men like Crispus Attucks,
Nathan Hale, Davy Crockett.

And they all had
one thing in common.

Yeah, they're all dead.

It's about time,
burro brain.

The revolution is no excuse
for rudeness.

You know what you're
supposed to do?

Of course, I know what
I'm supposed to do,

but let's just go
over it, anyway.

We will turn off the lights
and make the switch.

There's an original idea.

Guava face, you stand
by the display.

When the lights go off,

you take the replica
and make the switch.

I make the switch?
That is the plan.

Listen, I was never crazy
about that plan.

You will make the switch.

Don't we have
another plan?
Or you will die.

Then we only have
two plans.

Now, get to the display
and stay there.

The display is this way,
coconut head.

Uh, you know, you know,
when this thing is over,

me and you are gonna
have to have a little talk.

You know
what I'm saying?

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

The monkey is gone.

Something must have
gone wrong.
I never touched the lights.

Nobody move!
(SCREAMING)

Please, everyone,
just do exactly
what they say,

and I'm sure no one
will get hurt.

These meatballs
are good.

Golden monkey.
Where is it?

I've got it right here.

Give it to me.
Keep your shirt on.
Here.

Catch.
(ALL GASP)

MAN: That's not gold!

This is the replica.

Maybe you are thinking
of going into business
for yourself.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're just in time for my
going-out-of-business sale.

Here you go.
(VOICE BREAKING)
The sacred monkey.

Valuable statue, no?
It almost cost you your life.

Come on, hands up!
Move it!
(ALL GASP)

Get out! Come on!
Move it!

Benson, you should have died
before giving it to them.

I almost died
while giving it to them.

Well, Benson,
thanks to your incompetence,

an entire revolution
has been financed.

I can see it now.

"Governor's blunder
bankrolls revolt."

Wait a minute, you guys.
You can't condemn Benson.

He did what any man
would do when faced
with the choice of

saving his own life
or a fortune in gold
and precious jewels.

So he blew it.
So what?

Is that the end
of your defense?

Now that you've all
had your say,

will someone
please take custody

of the real
golden monkey?

Oh! How did you
do it, Benson?

Well, they gave me
a replica to switch, too,

but the lights weren't
off long enough,

so I only had time to slip
the real one into the punch.

So you gave them
the other replica.
Right.

Benson, how can I
ever thank you?

Well, I've always wanted
a Mercedes.

(LAUGHS)

That it?
Uh-huh.

Nice work, kid.

I don't know why everyone
is treating you like a hero.

If you had switched
the statues as you
were supposed to,

none of this
would have happened.

You ruined
the whole party.

You know, I think
I threw the wrong monkey
into the punch.

I just talked to Lou
the gardener on the phone,
Governor.

They almost
scared him to death but
he's gonna be all right.

Oh, I'm glad
to hear that.

Ambassador Corzo
was just here.

The police caught
the revolutionaries
at the airport.

Good.
But he insisted on

leaving us this replica
as a gift.

Bad.
It is ugly,
isn't it?

In a word, yes.

I don't want to
sound ungrateful

but I wish I could think
of some tactful way
to get rid of it.

You know, sometimes,
these cheap, gaudy,

easy-to-break
plastic statues

are sometimes sitting
too close to the edge
of the desk.

Yeah, go on.

And then,
somebody comes along
rather indecently

in his jacket,
it catches on,
and it topples...

Oh, I see,
you mean, like this?

Didn't break.

Yeah, looks like we got
the real one.

Worth hundreds of
thousands of dollars.

Twelve pounds
of solid gold.

Something to think about.

Oh, maybe I better call
Ambassador Corzo
and return it.

Well, there's only one thing
wrong with that, sir.
What's that?

He'll just send us
another one.

BOTH: We'll send it back.